Problems with My Sister - Neptune,NJ

I dont think shelter even needs to be considered here b/c she has a job! What do you mean he takes her paychecks? How? Can't she just get a live check from her work and not give it to him? Deposit it into another account that she opens up? Etc. I don't think the problem is so much that she has nowhere to go but that she doesn't WANT to go. That's a sad conclusion to come to but it sounds to me like she's just using that as an excuse to not leave. She works, she gets money. She could leave whenever she wanted. I doubt her boss is giving the check to her husband =P

And yes, I agree with others, don't give her money.

Sorry you're going through this but unforunately you can't make your sister make better choices..

You really want to help her? Stop giving her money. When she is ready to be done with him she will end it. For some reason your sister loves guys who are abusive and there isn't anything you can do to make her stop. I understand you feel bad for her but look at her track record. Stop letting her take advantage of you, you are enabling her and she knows you feel bad so she is using you.

She has ways to leave she just doesn't want to do it.

No! Don't let her live with you or give her money!

She has paychecks, so obviously she has a job. She can move out and get roommates, if she can't afford to live on her own. What do you mean she has no way to leave? That's ridiculous. If you want to help her, look in the paper or internet for apartment rentals or roommate situations.

Or tell her to do it herself. She's a grown woman.

I think you need to encourage her to go to a shelter. It is very doubtful to me that they would turn someone away who is significantly emotionally abused. I would not give her money based on her history. This is a really difficult situation. The benefit of a shelter would be some counseling there, maybe it would help her not fall into the same pattern again. I believe they would also do job placement assistance. I would call some shelters in her area and see what they say. Good luck.

If she was my sister I would let her stay with me, but give her a time limit, and help her get back on her feet. It would only be temporary for the kids to share a room, or she could share with the girl (which may encourage her to get her act together faster). I would not give her money, just shelter and a shoulder to lean on. I could not, in good conscience, leave my sister in a abusive situation simply because it might inconvenience my kids for 5 or 6 months, but that is just me.

I agree with Melanie D. She's going to have to WANT to change, or it's just going to keep happening. Some people just have to hit rock bottom before they finally get their acts together. Your sister needs to find her OWN reasons to value herself and stand up for herself. As she is now, she's toxic and I would stay away and keep my kids away. I know you don't want to "bail" on your sister, but you're not, she "bailed" on herself long ago. The best thing you can do is continue to be emotionally supportive, but don't provide any other support. She's working, she doesn't have to hand her paychecks over to this guy. They're not married. If he takes her money without her permission, that's theft. Grand theft if it's over $5000. She can call the police. She has to WANT to. She has to get pissed and she has to start valuing herself and realize that she deserves better than this. She has to realize that she is capable of taking care of herself and she doesn't need a man. Until she does, there's nothing you can do.

Honey I know it's hard on you but the best thing you can do for your sister is make her grow up and stand up for herself. Until she does that, she'll keep falling back with these types of guys. She has to leave and there are places she can go. She probably doesn't want to go to a woman's shelter, first of all they have you press charges against your abuser, she doesn't want to do that. You wrote how she gave her car up, I'm sure you kept telling her she'll needs it, but she did what she or her boyfriend wanted her to do. Until she wakes up and sees everything how it is, then she'll stay and be miserable. I'm betting he's hitting her even if she doesn't admit to it, if he's hanging up the phone, taking that much control, she's being hit too... If she does have a job, she can take her paycheck get on a bus and leave everything behind, it's just material. When she has had enough she'll do that. I know you want to help and protect her, but she's has to be an adult now and grow up.
You could find a shelter in your area, church group that may take her in. Tell her take her next check and show she's done with this guy. That she needs to start fresh and show she's ready for a change and you will help her. Don't give up your kids room, let your sister prove herself, not only to you, mostly to herself. It's tough love, but she needs the backbone to stand up and make the change.
It'll break your heart that you feel you aren't helping enough, but this is why you have to be strong for her. She can do it on her own. Don't give her money. If she moves close to you, buy her a meal, or dress for work, but do not give her money.
I'm praying for you!

The ONLY way you should allow her to stay with you is if she cuts off ALL contact with him. If you don't feel she's going to do that, then don't allow her to stay with you. What's the point in you changing your entire life style around for her if she's going to stay in touch with him? and most likely she will keep in contact if she's stuck around this long.

You didn't mention how old she was or if she has kids. IF she has kids, she should be able to get into a shelter easier, but most women prefer an abusive relationship then living in a shelter. It may take HIM leaving her for good before she can move on. It's great you care so much for her and are trying to help but it's almost like trying to help an addict, until they're ready to get help for themselves, there's nothing you can really do. My own Dad has refused my sisters to live with him when they were in a bad relationship, only because he knew they would still be in touch with the men so for now, don't allow her to stay there unless you know in your heart she's completely ready to move on and start over and won't be a negative influence on your children when living in your house. Good luck to you.

She is being abused.
She has no friends.
She has no where to go.
She has no money.
She is in trouble.
She needs help....
She needs money to get away... before she is killed by him.
She needs money.
Give her what she needs. If that were my sister, I would do whatever I can, because I would NOT want her to be a "statistic."
I would also call the COPS on him... and take photos of her if she is injured.. .and DOCUMENT everything.
Get a restraining order.
Plan an escape plan and help her... BUT DO NOT TELL HIM.. or he will retaliate... and do who knows what else to her.
I would think she does get physically abused.... but won't admit it.

Call shelters, and find out information yourself, so you KNOW yourself, what can be done...

She has a habit of being with abusive guys... one day, she will be a statistic. High probability for that.

If it were you... what would you want? Help or no help?
And yes, it is tricky, because, SHE has to do it too.
She is REALLY chronic... and needs counseling... tell her she HAS TO do that... and make it a part of her 'requirements'...

all the best,
Susan

IF (and this is a big IF) there are no drug or alcohol issues involved, I would let my sister crash on my couch for a set amt. of time until she got on her feet (say 3-6 mos. MAX).

If there ARE other issues involved (I only say that because it doesn't seem like rational behavior to me on her part pr his) then she needs rehab and she needs to leave him after that. She will see that clearly once she is de-fogged.)

There are ALL KINDS of resources out there for women that need to get away from a bad/abusive marriage. I think she's using it as an excuse for not leaving (the shelter comment). Has she ever CALLED and been told that point blank?