Friend in Trouble...

Updated on September 08, 2010
A.C. asks from Santa Clara, NM
7 answers

Hello ladies! I hope you can help me in some way with this situation. Will try to make it short and brief. I met this girl about 3-4 years ago, she was the girlfriend to one of my hubby's co-workers. We have never hung out or been close, we just say hi to each other when we happen to see eachother at the store or wherever. I think she is between 22-24 years old. Anyway, this past weekend i saw her at a store where she works (she's a cashier) and asked her how she was, like always. She usually says good and that she is still with her boyfriend. This time though, she said "not good and that he just doesn't change". At first i didn't really know what to say back, then i noticed she had a black eye! I had no idea this guy beat her. She said it had been going on for the 4 years they have been together (don't judge her) and that he had broken her arm twice!! Now don't forget, i really don't know her that well, but i took her comment as a way of asking me for help. There wasn't much i could say at that time since she was working. I told her she didn't have to put up with that and that she should as for help at our local domestive violence shelter. She said, she knew she would have to put a restraining order on him and she knew he wouldn't respect it. I suggested she talk to her family, but she said she had grown up around that environment all her life. I told her she deserved better and gave her my phone numbers in case she really needed me to help her. The thing is, i feeL a little uncomfortable having done that because my hubby said he knows her boyfriend to be a real psycho. He told me he also used to hit his own mother and that if he doesn't get his way, he will get revenge. I know he is a few years older than her, but i just want to be able to help her. She is so young and has her whole life ahead of her. I really want to help her, but i don't want her boyfriend to come after me if he finds out i'm the one trying to help her leave him. What would you ladied suggest?? Any advice would be helpful.

P.S. THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN. THANK GOD.

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So What Happened?

Thank you ladies for all your advice. I found it very helpful. I haven't seen my friend since the black eye day, but when I see her again (and I have been looking for her) I will try to get more info from her and ask her to get help for herself. Thank you again.

More Answers

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

My father was physically abusive to my mother. It ruined the first 21 years of my life and had the potential to really interfere with my adult life.

She absolutely needs to leave him. And she must make sure she is on birth control, even if she has to keep the pills a secret from him. The best thing she can do is come up with a secret plan to escape from him. Contact your local abused woman's shelter.group (look up National Coalition on Domestic Violence for referrals). They can advise you how to safely help her and maybe it will be the boost she needs to contact them. Tell her it never hurts jus tto talk to someone. Men like this pick isolated women or isolate them themselves. She need to get into a support group and work with a DV counselor.

These gusy are able to continue to do this because they use fear. Unfortunately,many of them are very very dangerous. So I understand your discomfort. I would not suggest you offer her a place to go, since he may come find you - and I suspect you have kids. But I do think you can help by storing belongings for her, going with her to set up a secret checking accunt in her name, and whatever else she may need to do to get away. If you can gift her or front her money to put down a security deposit on an apartment, that would probably be a big help because he probably monitors her money. And in general, just support her and encourage her to do the right thing,

In the end, she has to make the decision, and you have to stay safe. I really admire you for wanting to get involved in some way, because most people don't. I had relatives walk away saying it wasn't there business. You can't imagine how de-valuing this can feel. Even though you are realtive strangers, she nees to know she has an ear and some sort of support. And a kick in the behind ot act on the informaiton is good too.

4 moms found this helpful
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D.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

She needs to put a restraining order against him and she needs to move out of the area. He will try to find her if he is a psycho like you are saying. I hate to say it but she could wind up in the hospital close to dead or will wind up dead if she stays with him. I do not care if she grew up in this type of enviornment. She is young and has her whole life ahead of her. You can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink, so the saying goes. You have offered to be there if she needs it and there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is up to her now.

4 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Dallas on

Get her into a shelter, encourage her to go and start a new life. If she's been around this all her life then the poor thing has a lot of issues of insecurity she's dealing with. They can give her lots of help at the shelter. Tell her don't worry about her belongings, she needs a new start in life. They have clothing, food, shelter and most importantly counseling. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE, tell her to LEAVE!!!
HE is crazy, normal men do NOT hit women. He's a bully and has been one all his life. He likes controlling her and will take you away from her. Tell her to make her move now and let her not to tell him that you two talked.
I'm praying for you and her. Thank you for reaching out to her.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from McAllen on

First of all, I am super proud of you for offering help. Not many people does. Second, go to the police and make a report, why? because if worst comes to worst, then you'll have documented precedents. Also, the police will ask if you want to place a restriction order, don't do it, yet. Most likely your "friend" will want to protect you for having extended a helping hand and will keep you out of it.
Second, don't get involved beyond this point, if something goes wrong with her he will blame you, and you'll be a target. Send her to counseling and battered women's shelter, drive her (maybe) but don't offer any advice.
I know how it is, so be careful. Good Luck!!

2 moms found this helpful

C.M.

answers from Myrtle Beach on

I don't have any suggestions, but the girl is very lucky to have friended you, you are a wonderful for reaching out to help her!
Good Luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful

G.T.

answers from Modesto on

It's not really about what you can do to help it's about what she wants to do to help herself. Be very careful with this as you may only become her enemy while trying to help her. Let her know you are available if she ever really decides to leave the guy.

1 mom found this helpful

C.M.

answers from Detroit on

The only support i would have to offer is to make sure you communicate your every move on the situation with your hubby, make sure he is fully aware of both conversations and plans concerning the situation.

Maybe you can contact local churches and set something up and send her the information to follow up.

Please put the safety of you and your family first! but do not give up trying to help as much as you can.

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