Came up with a Plan to Get Out...

Never try to reason or argue with a drunk, Jordan. Get a restraining order and stay safe.

Take care,

M.

Big friend? Could this potentially cause more problem? How about police intervention? Have you called their non emergency number to see what can be done? I haven't kept up with this, but I would think machismo would just irritate any situation.

My brother is a police officer. He said to have the police there. They will make sure he "definately leaves peacefully" and with his things, so he doesn't have a reason to return at a later date. The police visit will be documented (should be), just in case he does come back (drunk or not) and tries to start a problem.
DO NOT have the kids there when this goes down--they do not need to see or hear anything that will happen. Best of luck!

T., I'm very concerned for you. I'm a retired police officer and I don't think this plan will work. If you don't have a restraining order, he can come back any time. He will be even more angry with you for having kicked him out. Also, if you don't have a restraining order or a court order telling him to leave, he doesn't have to leave and the police will not help you get him out. They will stand by to prevent violence while he packs a few things and leaves but he has to leave voluntarily. Do you think he'll do that? I'm surprised your lawyer friends didn't tell you that.

Perhaps you do have legal papers but didn't mention them to us. I hope so.

I'm also concerned about the child support. It takes a court order to get child support and that takes time. And I doubt that the judge will order $250/week. Your husband will only have to pay child support for the one child that is his. The judge can order spousal support depending on your circumstances. But I doubt that he would order him to pay $250/week. $250/week is 40% of the $600. That is unreasonable. A more likely amount would be $250/month.

Even with a court order, there is no guarantee that he'll actually pay. My daughter didn't get child support for over two years from the time her ex was was ordered to pay. Some men get angry and refuse to pay even tho they know it's illegal to not pay.

I urge you to get legal advice from a lawyer who has experience in family court. And that you think thru and get everything arranged before you attempt to kick him out. I don't know your circumstances and it may be possible for you to legally kick him out but I know it's not as easy as your post makes it sound.

I do know of women who have left and gone to a shelter and then had help getting back into the house later. I've also known women who got a restraining order which ordered the husband to leave. But I've never known a woman to successfully kick a man out on their own.

I suggest that you contact a domestic violence hot line and/or women's shelter to get help in making plans. These women have had experience with your type of situation and can help you understand the system and how to go about getting him out of the house, if it can be done, in a legal way. They can also help you do things in a way that is safest for you and your children. They can put you in touch with an attorney that you can afford.

I am pulling for you. You do need to get out of this abusive relationship. And you can do it. Just be sure you do it in a legal way that will stick and especially in a way that will provide you and your children safety.

Please send me a private message if you want to talk further.

I am so happy to read this post!! Yayy for you! You are doing the right thing, and one day your kids will thank you for getting them out of that situation. Stay strong and remember it is going to be hard, but keeping telling yourself "I can do this". You are a good mama! Sending you hugs and prayers :)

Prayers for you, Jordan. You can do this.
He will try to manipulate you, remember what he is all about and hold your ground.
Good luck, hon.

Please take the advise from our really smart women below. I wish you and your children peace and love!

T., didn't read first post but why not have police present to remove hubs? They will just stand there as a deterent, I think that would suffice to keep your soon to be ex-hubs in line. And not to put a damper on your financial expectations and I believe NJ is the same as NY, they can only take 17% of his income for child support. Bottom line good for you and stay safe.

It may be pretty tough now, but life will be so much easier when you get this part of your history behind you. Good for you for working this through.

Please consider getting counseling so you can find out why you chose this man. County health services probably offer counseling on a sliding scale.

Usually there is some pattern, expectation, or belief about "what we deserve" that gets people to choose the same sorts of companions again in the future. I hope you'll avoid getting yourself and your children involved with another man until you've had a chance to get to know yourself better, and find your way into a more positive future.

Many blessings.

Thank you for letting us know.
And Good Job! for conferring with friends and family to guide you.
S.

I'm so glad you are protecting yourself and your daughter....be safe.

Oh thank goodness! I was hoping things would work out. But words of advice for your children. Make sure they have a support to go to outside of you. Like a councilor or church member. I am still dealing with the fact that I was abused by my dad (I shared my thrown into my bed story with you on you original post). I did get help as a child and I don't think it helped any because I didn't know why my mom insisted I talked with a guy with a lot of toys and a sandbox in his office. Make sure they know reasons why, otherwise it's pointless.

I am happy for you, but please be very careful, don't try to talk to him when he is drunk. If you can, if you can, have a phone (one that he doesn't know about it) bring a bag with important documents and clothes to a close friend.
be careful and smart.
I hope soon you can leave all this behind, I came from an abusive ex, it is scary, and it can be hard at the beggining, but life is sooo much better after a little bit and your kids and you deserve.
Hope your little kids are doing good, have you talk to them? I am just asking, I really don't know if is good or not to let them know (not all of course). Do they know about 911?
Every kid should know about it I think.
Take care, keep us post.

I am glad you have come to this decision. Just read some of the posts below. You got some great advice from some really smart women. I hope that you do take their 'legal' advice. I'm really pulling for you.

I am sorry for your situation, but I am not sure you are being very realistic with your thoughts of child support. My dad made WAY more than what you said a week when we were growing up and he def did not pay $250 a week. Please don't think that as bashing but my dad was completely involved in our lives, but just from my experience growing up and friends who are divorced and going through the stuff with child support $250 a week just seems very unrealistic.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation and hope you get all the help that you can.

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Thinking of you and hope everything is going ok x