Desperate!!! Please Help!!!

Here is a phone number to a domestic violence hotline that can help you and give you advice: ###-###-####. Here is their website as well. http://www.houseofruthinc.org/

Hi! how are you? are you ok? I am sorry I tried to answer before but my computer wasn't working. Did you find any help? there is an organization that could help you.. Its called The sheephold. let me know if you need anymore help:)

I suggset you seek professional advice and refer you to Sheryl L. Edgar, Esq., A Center for Children & Family Law, 1111 W. Chapman Ave., Orange CA; ###-###-####. Website: centerforchildren.com

You're getting plenty of comments from other moms who have been in your place. I have been in the place of helping others who are victims (through a non-profit). You want to protect yourself and son, but you seem to also need strength in facing your boyfriend. My advice to you is seek help for the domestic violence (DV) first before calling an attorney. Most DV groups are excellent on educating you about your legal rights, but more importantly a safety plan. As for his threatening you that he will take your son away, it doesn't sound like he would do so through any court. Especially since he can't even follow through on registering his car at the DMV. If he ever would he would just take him without a court order, which would open up a whole new mess because you don't have a court order either. There is a national DV hotline that can hear you out and give you local referrals, look in your yellow/white pages in the govt numbers in the front. Call 211 is the Los Angeles county information line for people services. I don't know what area you're in, but there is also the East L.A. Women's Center their hot line is 1-800-585-6231 (24 hrs) Do not take any action other than calling the police until you learn and make your safety plan. The police have authority to issue an emergency restraining order, usually 1-3 until you get to court to petition a longer one.
You really are in need of a safety plan, because many ignore the restraining order and you are back to where you are right now. With a good safety plan, you should consider moving someplace he is unlikely to guess where you are at (No family, since he probably knows where they live). You'll need to copy all important documents, because he'll threaten and even tear them up so you won't leave. I'll stop hear because if you call a hotline they will give you all this information and more.
Best of luck to you and I wish you strength and clarity in your thinking to get out of this situation.

Please call either of these two shelters. They are specifically for women and their children who are suffering from domestic violence.
Laura's House ###-###-####
Human Options ###-###-####

If they are both full, they should be able to give you a number to other shelters. If your son's dad has the car, tell them and maybe they can send a car to get you or else maybe you can get a ride. Take anything you can, but leave most things. They can help you with clothes, etc. MOst importantly, they will keep you safe and get you into court and get the paperwork going.

Be strong and good luck!

K.,
You need help, fast! Get in touch with your local WEAVE program! File a restraining order now! You need to be documenting in vivid detail everything said and done to you by your son's father and report it to the police. I would also suggest you get your son in counseling as soon as possible. Talk to your son's school administration and let them know what is going on and they can provide you with information and help for you and your son, that is free. Please get help before the damage is irreversible on your son's mental health. My prayers are with you and your son. God bless.
J.

Hi K.,

Oh my goodness, your post sends shivers down my spine. Please please call the House of Ruth hotline: ###-###-####
http://www.houseofruthinc.org/

It's a 24-hr line, so call whenever he's not around. House of Ruth is in Pomona, but they have a really comprehensive referral listing, and they can provide you with LOTS of support and help over the phone.

The chances of him getting custody are slim, though it's possible. Document (and keep it with a trusted friend or relative, or a safe place at work) his drinking and threats.

I just found a local agency for you: Alternative to DV: ###-###-####

http://www.alternativestodv.org/aboutus.html

either of these places can help you make a safety plan, and you do need to have plans in place, and start collecting documents NOW! :-)

I don't have time for a longer post, but didn't want to wait to respond. Please call either or both of these places ASAP

best of luck to you!
C.

K.-
Get an attourney ASAP!!! I think a family law one. You need help and it sounds like this guy is crazy. You have to get someone who knows the law on your and your son's side!!! Get an atty. right away!

I will keep you in prayer!

K.

Surely you are smart to know this is not right-and you are seeking council. Good for you. That is the first step!!! Do you have any good family or friends local? I am thinking the first thing you can do is file a restraining order at the local courthouse.
Don't let him put fear in you in regards to him getting custody. I can tell just by what you have sais it won't happen. He is going to be required to take parenting classes, anger management, pay child support, attend AA and all that before he proves fit to be a father that can care for this child. And IF it should ever be requested you can require supervised visits for him-where there is supervision. I think you have proof enough that he is hostile and does not care about anyone but his sorry self. I hope there is somewhere you are able to go for a week or so...and once the restraining order is in effect you can start calling the police anytime he is near. Make sure you do-for court purposes. Take a day or two and get all your paperwork filed! Make sure your sons school is made aware....and maybe have him wait in the office for you or something until all this is over. Ptraying for you!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there myself recently and you do need to get out, and the sooner the better. I wish it hadnt taken me so long. Please start documenting what he is doing. What area are you in? I found some great help here in Riverside that I can give you contact information for if you are in this area. Otherwise, there are plenty of great resources everywhere, which I believe a few other people have mentioned. If you feel like you need any support, advice, or anything at all, please feel free to contact me privately. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I know how hard it is.

I was in a safe house for dv. They lost some of their funding last year so I don't know if they are taking new clients but it doesn't hurt to try. The program is called Saint Clare's home and is in north county. I believe they have a website but I think the phone # is ###-###-####. Your son can live their with you. It really helped me and my daughter leave our situation.

Immediately go to a women's shelter. They we be able to help you and your son. If you don't know of any in your area call 211 and they will be able to refer you. Remove yourself and your son from the situation first.

K.,
I do not feel that I can offer much advise as I have not experienced this situation personally. I did have a friend who was in a domestically violent relationship and she did get out. I know you must plan and be safe though. It seems like he should be the one to leave, but that leaves you in a bad position still. He should not know where you and your son live if it can be helped I would think. Legally, he could not take your son out of state, but I suppose he could do it illegally and I can understand being worried about that. You are in a tough spot and I hope you can reach out to agencies who can offer good, solid advise and places you can go to get all of this started. It seems like filing for legal custody and getting a restraining order should be first after getting him to leave...if he won't leave on his own, the police need to make him leave once the restraining order is in place. I think you are very brave and you can do this! Be safe and you will be in my thoughts...

women and children are not just abused, they are murdered every day. i dont mean to be overdramatic but my good friends sister was murdered by her abusive boyfriend.

people do die.

get you and your son out now.
take all of the excellent advice you have gotten and act on it immediately.
and file for full custody of your son now, first, before he thinks of it and you will have no problems with that.
act immediately.
you now have many people praying for your safety and guidance.

Dear K.--
You are correct that you need to put an end to this situation. Because you share a son, getting this man out of your life completely is not an option. Supervised visitations may be a possibility. You, and the courts, have an interest in your welfare and that of your son. The restraining order is a good idea, although you are correct that it may motivate him to go to court, but why in the world would the courts be likely to give him more access to your son? Work on doing a good job of documenting what you have described in your letter so that you can present a good case to the court, if it comes to that. You are an articulate woman, and I'm sure that you can do this.

Getting out of an abusive relationship can be really difficult, and I'd suggest that you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org;1-800-799-SAFE) for resources in your area.

I have worked with many domestic violence victims (and offenders), and I know how very difficult leaving a bad relationship can be. Of course you care about your son's father and want him to be the kind of father your son deserves. That speaks well of you. Unfortunately, you cannot make the changes he needs to make for him. Right now, you are providing him with support which may be keeping him from having to make those changes. Sometimes, the kindest things we can do can seem, in the short run, to be unkind. You might think about attending some ALANON meetings for some perspective on this.

Take care of yourself and your son. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

M.

You need some real legal help and this is not the place to get it. But I do know it will help you enormously if there is some kind of record or paper trail to show incidence of domestic violence before a court case. I would say its most important to get him out. But in the mean time, if he does anything violent, call the police and start to create a record against him.

Hi K.,

My first thought was the restraining order. Aside from that, you could leave and either go live with a friend or family member or the last resort which is a shelter for abused moms.

As for him taking you to court, if he is on unemployment, I don't see how he has the money to take you to court.

What my aunt did was she saved up and found a new place to live without him or the children knowing what she was up to. She found a new place and planned her move date for a day when he was gone for the day and the children were at school. By the time the kids got home, the house was cleaned out, she came back and picked them up and left him with an empty house. He never found out where she was living and she has never looked back.

Dear K. i am really sorry for all the bad things that are happening to you,but let me encourage you to take the first step and take control of this situation you are in America where women rights count don't let this loser,bad father and abusive person ruin your life,do it for your son and for you ,you deserve a good happy healthy and wonderful life to enjoy with your son,God Loves you and he will help you in this hard time.You can contact your local domestic violence shelter they can provide you with advice,counseling,shelter and resources to deal with this situation. Call 1-800-799-SAFE or look in the phone book.You should call 911 if you feel that your life and your son's life is in dangerous.God bless you and I will pray for you for this hard time end it soon.

I'm sorry for your situation.
I've been in the same and here is my advice.

You need proof.

1. Tape him during one of his many abusive nights.
2. File for a restraining order saying you are scared to death of him and that he abuses you and your son.
3. File for full custody.

Even if you don't have proof, file for a restraining order and full custody before things get worse.

The only way you'll be able to get him out of your house is by the help of the cops since he wont on his own. A court order will prevent him from harassing you and your family.

LEAVE !! You leave and get another place for your son and you to live. Or get that restraining order. He is a drunk. If he comes to pick up your son when he has been drinking you have the right to refuse to give your son to him. Get out now. I was also abused. I left. Actually my ex didn't come around very much, they just don't. They love to threaten, but usually will not act on their threats. No court in this land will give a child to a drunk. He doesn't work, he has no means of support for your son, and almost always the court will give the child to the mother. You have been beaten down. That is the way he wants to keep you. Run !!! Run as fast and as far away as you can. I'm so grateful I did. My ex just died two years ago from drinking, he never stopped. He was 53 years old. I raised my children. Believe me he doesn't want to raise your son, he just wants to keep you worried. Get out before he damages not only you but your son too.

Go somewhere far away IMMEDIATELY. Don't think about the house or the car or whatever. The fact that he won't leave is NOT a reason for you to just stay there and do nothing. If you can't make him leave, you and your son should go. Go some place far from your home--where he sure won't find you and you guys make a fresh start. If possible to change your names, much better. It would be harder for him to find you. My aunt was once like you before. Since her husband won't leave their house, she brought all four kids with her and went to a relative in a different state and stayed there for a while. After getting a nice job, a new house and a new school for her kids (plus a new identity for all of them), they moved there and has been there for 10 years now. If she was able to make it... SO CAN YOU. Good luck and take care of yourself. I'll pray that you get to where you are SOON. God bless.

Dear K.,

Please seek professional help ASAP. Your child does not need to witness that kind of lifestyle.

First thing do you love you or do you love him ? He needs help , have you told him to seek help? Please do not allow your son to see and hear to much for this can walk with him through live. Please find a way out , even if you have to move out of this apartment without him. Please seek support groups , do not stay in this situation to long.

Please go to Al-Anon. You will find experience, strength and hope there. You are not alone.

There is someone to talk to 24 hours a day. Here is the number. Phone:###-###-####

Hi K., start documenting everything he says and does. Try to talk to your neighbors, let them know what is going on and thry to come up with away to alert them to call the police for you, like if they see your pouch light go in the middle of the day call the police. Take evey percausion to keep your son safe. In the mean time try to see if a friend will let you and your son stay with them, then go to the nearest police station file a restraining order against him. he has no chance in getting a judge grat him cusstudy of your son, thats one reason why you want to start documenting, and hide it. At the police station they will advise you on what to do next. Hope this helps. J.

Call the police and get things documented. Especially if he is drunk, the police will note it. Second, get out! Look for a shelter you and your son can go to. Sorry to be so frank, but if you don't care enough about yourself to do it think of your son. That is so unfair to him. Sorry if that offends you, but I think you need to hear it, you should not stay there.

I know this is easy for me to say, I am not in your shoes, but please get a restraining order --- not that that will protect you, but it isn't fair to you or your son to let this man live with you. Call the police and have him arrested --- press charges. Sorry to say, even if you have a court order for custody, he may steal the boy anyway. You should really talk to a professional about this. You need to have a plan, somewhere safe to go. God bless.

Dear K.,
It sounds as though you already know what you have to do. You will have to take care of yourself and your child. Get that injunction and get that man out of your home. It not going to be easy but you owe it to your self to portect yourself and your child. You have to stop supporting the man that is abusing you. He has to take responsibility for himself just as you need to take responsibility for you and your child. It is damaging to your son as much as it it to you to remain in that violent situation. It not easy but make the first step.
Try and find a woman's shelter and give your self a bit of respite and get some immediate support.
Put all that 'desperate' energy into action and make it work for you.
Get going, and good luck.

oh no... call your local social worker,call dept of child services... go there... talk to a social worker, tell them your dilemma, most of them are just sweet ladies & they will advice you... go to a police station & tell your scenario... if he is drinking & driving then secretly call the 911 & tell them he's been drinking & getting behind the wheels, endangering others... not to mention you & your son, but do these with a calm & collected state... u need to remain calm & come out of this atrocious & damaging condition u r living with. you can do it... blessings & safety for u & your precious baby.

K.,
It sounds like you already know what to do. Don't second guess yourself. You're not overreacting.

It seems to me you need to contacta cood lawer and good luck A. no. Hills

I am so sorry you are going through this. If you can get out of your lease then move and do not let him come inside your new place. If you can't get out of the lease, then change the locks, pack up his things and give them to him. Stop paying for his things. In trying to give your son a relationship with his father and letting him live rent free, you have enabled this man to do nothing for himself. He is teaching your son how to treat you and women in general. Do you want your son to become this man when he grows up? Call a lawyer RIGHT NOW and get the custody hearing set. Try to have documentation (video, recordings, other people who have seen him behave badly) so that you are totally prepared. Good luck to you!

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You and your son are in my prayers. You will need to go to court for custody other wise he can take your son as there is no court order in place. With a court order you will have the legal rights, especially when it comes with your son not leaving the state. If you have called the police then there should be noted on file of his violence. I honestly think the first step is to go to court to file the custody paperwork that way you protect you and your son. I hope you have family around or some close friends. You may want to stay with them till this is over. Ask your landlord if the locks could be changed at your apartment.

please be safe. God bless

You desperately need to get out, for yours and your son's sake. you should call a domestic violence hotline for more info and help. A restraining order is essential, but might not be enough. The stats show that if you leave someone who is a domestic abuser, he is likely to get even more violent-this might be true, but no reason to stay with him. You might even need to go to a shelter for a while, or somewhere he cannot find you and your son. Stats also show that boys living in domestic violence situations are also more likely to become domestic abusers themselves- you do not want this life for your son or his future partner! I know it must be scary, but you must take action.

You need to immediately take your son and go to a safe house for domestic violence victims. He may find you if you go to a friend or relative's house. While there, they will help you file all the necessary documents and find an attorney. Call the local police dept. (not 911) or look in the front of your phone book for places to go, or the numbers people have posted below. Good luck.

IF you are portraying this situation fairly (accurately), and despite your (well-deserved) emotion, I think you are, YOU HAVE TO END IT with this guy. Bums like this give men a bad name. And worse, he is a mean, destructive bum. Don't use those words TO him, but I thought it helpful that you heard a man call a spade a spade. But this is no game, you need to be really careful, and smart, and strong, and you need a support network. Start with family but also include the other suggestions. You will need legal help. You can't do this halfway, with a situation as drastic as this, you have to be driven and endure. Then it will be better, when you and your son have cut ties with what I estimate is a situation that is already bad enough... and could get worse. It won't improve on its own, that does seem to be the consensus. Good luck and hang tough.

K., get out of there now. There are so many people who can support you and get through this. You need to for your son, and you. I just read something today about this. Go to www.mops.org/help
I hope this helps, God's angels over you and your son. Save this family K.!
M.
San Diego

I think you need to leave right away. If he won't leave then you need to leave.
You are putting both yourself and your son in
a dangerous situation and these things can turn
out really bad. It's not worth it to try and be nice
obviously that's not working. This is really unhealthy
for your son as well and can damage him
emotionally where he is not able to have healthy
relationships. You need to be strong and move on with your son.
From everything you have said I don't think
there is anyway this man would get custody
and if you let the court know he is abusive and he
does get visitation every other weekend they can be supervised visits.
Don't let this stop you from getting out.

K.,
I have been where you are. The 1st thing you need to know is that if you have never gone to court for custody, his father has as much right to take him as you have. You MUST go and file for custody NOW,
And, please, please get out of there, take what you can and your child....call the police from away from your home, and they will direct you to a women's shelter where you will be safe until you can see an attorney, get custody and make a plan. Do not put it off...do it now...My heart and prayers are with you....C.

Take your son and go to a women's shelter now.

I would call a lawyer immediately!
Document everything..when he drinks, how much he drinks, what he says to to you or does. get the restraining order!
Stop paying for everything..he does not deserve your kindness.
The court will not allow your son to stay with him for the weekend if he is a drunk.
He may get supervised visits but not the whole weekend.

if you think this will piss him off and he may do something terrible to you and your son.
Make sure you make a plan.
Pack you and your son up and find someplace to stay for a little bit. or if you can plan to move. If he doesnt pay rent then he wont be able to afford to stay. if he is gone for a day pack up his things and put it in storage most places are free the first month... change all your locks don't let him know what you are doing. make sure he is not on any of your accounts. Then you can serve him with the restraining order and custody papers all at once and he wont have a reason to ever come back to the house and if he does he will get arrested!

Good luck and I am sorry for your situation.

Do you have family? Go talk to a Lawyer. Get some help any where you can. If you have to take you son and move. Don't let him control you another minute. Say your going to the store. I know it is hard. You have to do what is best for you and your son. I hope you can get what you need.

Get the restraining order for both you and your son. Change your locks, He has no right to be there and if you get letters from people saying that he is a drunk and a danger to your son go to the courts and they will give you temporary custody until a date can be set. Stop giving him money and being nice to him, he is taking advantage of you and knows it. You did just fine without him all those years, throw him out and do it now before he hurts you or your son more then just emotionally. He wont get custody specially if you can prove he wasnt even around all those years. Good luck and be safe.

Hi K. You do need to document everything and meet with an attorney. Your son doesn't need this sort of input even if it's his "Dad". Why do you keep trying with a loser? Maybe you like the drama, but your son needs to have the stable life he deserves. If this was a neighbor you would report him to the police, if he drives while drinking call the police and report him. Stop giving him money, don't loan him your car, move him out somehow, spend time away as much as you can until he is out of your life. You are a free lunch and that's all. He's scary and he knows it. inform all of the authorities you can, work, school, and police. Sleep with one eye open, you're not sleeping with him are you?
Save yourself and your son, good luck, Deb

I am crying reading your post right now. No one should have to go through this. You have to consult a Lawyer and get away. You need to try to document everything he has done to you as best you can. Changing your locks I do not believe will help you get away. You need to find out what you are legally allowed to get away with to go and hide from him while preparing for court. You have to get a restraining order. That, after consulting with a lawyer, is the most important thing to do. If he gets a whiff of what you are doing he can get one on you and then you will have a big mess on your hands (like you said he will take your son with him). I don't have any specific resources for you but I saw that some women did. Take all this info and make a plan. get out. All the best to you!

Not sure if one of the other responders mentioned this but he does not have all the power. If he follows through with "taking you to court" - which I think is probably an empty threat, he doesn't want the responsibility of a kid, can't take care of himself - you can (from a very safe distance and probably via an attorney) countersue for SEVEN YEARS of back child support. He OWES you child support and if he wants custody, he also needs to realize families comes with responsibility and the STATE will dock wages indefinitely (pretty sure that would include his unemployment) if he doesn't comply. You need to get somewhere safe and find an attorney. The last thing you need is to lose on a stupid technicality that you didn't even know existed.
Best of luck. Hope this guy crawls back under whatever rock he came from...
:-)

I understand your fear...the thought of your child not being with you is aweful. BUT, you will be able to get help, get him out and help your son. If anything he will only get supervised visits. Call someone and get some help. Get him out of your house and change your locks. Allowing him in your life is teaching your child that that behavior is okay. GOOD LUCK AND BE BRAVE!

i would take him to court before he has a chance to take you. be ready for a long battle. document everything! the days he abuses you and how, if hes drinking when he does this, how much and when he drinks a day, that he has only be in your childs life for a short time and that you have been sole prvider for your son. have your son write out (on the comp) what he thinks of his father, if he is scared that he will take him away from you, if he secretly abuses him, things that his father says about you, etc.

what i think will happen is this- you will goto court and have primary custody with you and he will hopefully only get supervised visits, but it will probably end up everyother weekend. if he gets the supervised visits or any visits at all document if he shows and if he is drunk/drinking, if your child comes home hurt, with bruises in weird places and things like that.

good luck with this!

K.,
You need to get an immediate restraining order. With the restraining order he will be out of your home, he won't have a car (since it is not registered) and no job. You will be given immediate custody and it sounds like it would be a lot for him to get back on his feet to have any rights to your son. Also you need to show how long he has been in and out of your sons life and start building a case. This is imperative. Get good representation and advice. Good luck to you.
~~D.