Why Isn't She Grieving, or Is She?

I have never understood why people think it is acceptable to critique how people grieve. Especially when the person did not ask for an outside observation.

Grieving takes on ALL different forms. Some people grieve publically, some do it very privately. Either way, its no one else's buisness how long or how they grieve. Its up to the person experiencing the loss. I think the question was uncalled for and inappropriate. I wouldn't be happy either if someone said that to me.
M

Added - SHE was his wife. She doesn't HAVE to tell them squat about his estate. What he left, other than to them, is none of their business. She is already a mess - they are pushing her over the edge. And they are making sure she never has a thing to do with them ever again. If she has a child or children by him, they risk losing access to those kids. And it will be THEIR fault.

Original:
Of course it was insensitive. NO ONE has the right to tell a person that being messy is not how she should grieve. When the person who says it goes through this herself, only THEN will she understand ANYTHING about what it's like to lose the man she loves and is married to.

It will be good for this poor woman to stay away from people who care nothing about what she has gone through.

Dawn

Everyone grieves in their own, personal way. No one should judge that, period..

It sounds like you listening to gossip & hearsay. You have no idea if what this one person is saying is true. It's her version of how things are.

In answer to your post, yes, the question was very insensitive. I don't blame the woman for keep her distance. So what if she's messy. How is that anyone's business, but hers? It sounds like she has a lot of nosy Nellies judging her & talking about her, on top on having just lost her husband.

I don't think you can understand how it feels when a loved one dies until it happens to you. The woman who made the comment really needs to do some soul searching & look for the heart, because she clearly misplaced it, & sensitivity she seems to have lost. Wow... just... wow. What a witch.

Some cry their eyes out. Others visit everybody they know not to be alone. I isolate. When I lost my husband friends had to specifically invite me and insist that I show up. It was hard. My daughter let me sleep overnight the first time I had to lead a trek alone. When I returned from my week away she had dinner at her house waiting for me.
The second hardest thing in the world is to lose your husband of many years. The first is to lose your child. Believe me the woman is suffering. People who have no sympathy and only big mouths should have shut up. The widow needed company. Even an invite to a movie is a legitimate social time. If someone is too hard to talk to invite them to a concert or a movie and no talk is necessary. Just that you went with them says it all.

When my sister's husband died last year, she was a wreck. We all knew she was falling apart. And yep, you can bet she said some incredibly insensitive things to people.

I don't know all the particulars in your situation, but to me, she sounds furious. The Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief include: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and depression. It's important to note that these stages are not chronological and that some people skip/miss some stages of grief simply because of where they are in life or their circumstance.

Perhaps, too, there is more to it than meets the eye. Perhaps her husband didn't involve her with his affairs regarding business and money management and now she's a bit lost and resentful. "How the hell could he do this to me?" I don't know. I do know that for my sis, she sounded very angry about having to clean out her late husband's boxes and unfinished business. She was still sad, but also having to deal with his messes....

It sounds too, that comments about *how* she grieves are just going to make her hurt more and push her away. Everyone in this situation is hurting. I hope she finds someone to talk to and trust, be it a counselor or friend. Keeping her distance may feel like self-protection at this point. It's hard to want to relate to people who judge 'how' one is grieving or with whom one does not feel acceptance. One aspect my sis told me was hardest for her was feeling like she needed to make everyone else feel okay about her husband's death. She processed it differently than his mom or his friends did, so she needed a lot of space. She couldn't 'act normal' for them, and so she just hid out a bit. We all do what we have to do in these terrible circumstances.

I don't know what the "question" was...but .....
However I would chose to grieve would be my business and I would be ROYALLY pissed off if someone told me how I should grieve.
Leave the woman who recently lost her husband alone.
L.

Beyond insensitive. So is everyone's judging her. And honestly, from the posting it seems you're rather judging her as well. You seem to feel it's wrong of her to tell his family to go his grave and ask him about his estate. And it IS wrong of her; however, she sounds like she is profoundly angry at him for dying, and at his family for asking her questions about something as materialistic as his estate when she is in so much pain. She's keeping her distance as a way to protect herself from further pain or further questions. Questions only remind her he is no longer there. And again, she sounds very, very angry -- with him for being dead (yes, it is possible to be angry with someone you loved because they died), and with his family for coming at her with questions that HE would answer if he were alive (so the questions only remind her that he is dead) and with people who criticize her as "messy" whatever that means, and with the world for being a world without him in it any more.

Anger is one of the classic and extremely typical stages of grief. Get a book about stages of grief or look them up online. Maybe she was and is an interfering person his family doesn't especially like, but that does not give anyone the right to question "whether" she's grieving -- as if she's feeling nothing at all. Clearly, anger's what she's feeling right now, and that is a part of grief for many people. It's impossible to tell from your post if you are a family member or friend who's observing all this but either way, offer her some distraction or comfort, please. But put on your thick skin and realize that she may snap at you. But trying to go easy on her would be the right thing to do. If I were grieving and kept getting estate questions I might blow up at the family too.

your post is confusing.....& it's not often that I say that!

What do you mean by "messy"? Do you mean that she's being a troublemaker in all of the lives around her? Do you mean that she's a slob? Not sure how to take it!

Your 1st paragraph says that his death has not stopped her from keeping up trouble....so, in other words, she has not changed. Your phrasing makes it sound as if this is how she's always behaved. Why would you expect her to change....? Not getting it!

I feel sorry for this woman. She's lost her husband ....& she's being judged by all around her. Kudos to her for keeping her distance....& in the end, isn't that what everyone wanted? You all got the Peace you wanted!

Ooops, to answer your question: yes, the other person was insensitive. No one should judge the process of grieving. My only reservation in stating this opinion would be if the one grieving was seriously cycling thru self-destruction & was personally at risk.

Everyone grieves differently. Therefore, I think it's impossible to know exactly how this woman is feeling and to make a judgement as to how she should act. Also, maybe all the circumstances of her marriage and his death are not out there. Could be she has a right to feel pissed off all the time. Truly, when people go through emotional things, sometimes they do off the wall things and don't always act in a manner that we see fit..

Wow.
That is harsh.

Grieving, can take... a LONG time. And, many people don't even know 'how' to grieve, because, it is different for each person.
There is no ONE way, to grieve.

She is just withdrawing now... because, she knows... that 'everyone' is criticizing her, for her grieving and deciding for her, how she is 'supposed' to grieve. But... this is not being helpful to her. It is being, critical.
Maybe instead of looking at how she is grieving... someone can surmise, that maybe she needs... a shoulder to lean on. Since her Husband died and she has no one... to lean on now.
Not anymore.

My Dad died... about 11 years ago.
We all grieved for him in our own ways. I myself, I never cried. But my Dad and I were VERY close. He, was my Hero and the only person who truly knew me and accepted me for who I am.
Just because I never cried, does NOT mean, I did not grieve.
I did. But I kept a good front, and no one knew, I was breaking down inside. Every.single.day.

Perhaps, this poor woman... needs a grief support group? My Mom went to one when my Dad died.

When people are grieving... what they need is support and sympathy and ability to commiserate. NOT.... criticisms or having to live up to everyone else's ideals.

I don't blame her for keeping away from everyone. Now.
She is probably so alone. And has no one to hug her for comfort.
My Mom... I often have to remember... that I have a Husband. And someone to hug. My Mom.... does not.
It is sad.
Even if I hug her or my kids hug her... it is not the same... as your Spouse.
Simple things like this... NO one can understand... unless it has happened to them.

And did you know... that a messy house is nothing... to having lost a Husband or child. And... "Depression" can sometimes be expressed in that way. The lack of self-care or the lack of cleanliness.
No one seems to care, how the woman is doing, inherently.
Just what she appears to be... outwardly.

Insensitive, unkind, cruel... and pretty much asking for whatever she got. The term 'fighting words' comes to mind rather strongly.

Did he have a will? Since we don't know anything about your friend or her family it's hard to say anything.
The husband may have promisied certain things to a family member for instance his golf clubs to his brother. But he may have never told his wife or written it down. Or his estate may be in a total mess. He may have taken out loans against the house or run up credit card bills and she didn't know anything about it. She may be struggling to keep everything together and greiving at the same time.
If he didn't have a will, even though California is a community property state the whole thing may be a really big mess. She's probably coping the best she can.

You can't tell anyone HOW to grieve. Everyone does it differently and in their own time. She wasn't asked a question. She was told "being messy is not how she should grieve". Question or statement - it was still insensitive.

Have you considered reaching out to her?

She may be totally angry and she's taking out on everyone around her. While death and grieving doesn't excuse her actions - she may need someone and doesn't know how to ask for help so instead she's being nasty to everyone.

Yeah, I can tell you when my dad died, my mother became a hoarder. She always kept such a nice house, but when he died, it was totally trashed, she stopped paying bills, stopped opening mail, stop throwing trash away and her home actually foreclosed b/c she stopped paying all her bills. When my grandfather died, my grandmother became a hoarder. People grieve in very different ways and different stages. This is still a recent loss for her. Being messy is a very typical form of grieving. That was truly a hateful and insensitive thing to say to her. If someone had an issue with ehr organization, they could have kindly spoken to her about it and not tied her husband's death into it. If she is having problems stirring up trouble in the family, or at work or whatever, someone should speak to her kindly and respectfully about how they feel concerned for her and suggest she see a grief counselor. This is your co-worker correct? So a co-worker told her this? Her manager or HR should step in and speak to her.

Wow. Whoever that was was some sort of witch. It was not their place to judge.... At all.

A person I know grieved his wife's death bqy going out, getting drunk and getting married to the first girl he met the night his wife was buried. They have been married 10+ years now... So not anyone's place to say how to greive!

Why is everyone getting in her business? It seems to me she doesn't want the advice that is being given or doesn't like how it is delivered.

Hi F. Shes grieveing, everyone grieves in their own way. J.

She could be projecting anger she felt with her husband over things that aren't public to his family right now onto them. Who's to say he didn't royally screw up with investments and plunge them both into enormous debt and she only found out because he died? Who's to say that having her MIL in the house didn't cause irreparable damage to their marriage? Who's to say that she isn't finding out some shocking things about her dead husband that she now has to deal with completely on her own? All of that type of thing on top of grieving for the loss of him.

Sometimes you don't know someone until they've died. And perhaps that's what happened here, and that's why she's angry. Did she say some crappy things? Do some crappy things? Yes, but striking her below the belt on "how she's grieving" was unacceptable no matter what she's done.

It really depends on her personality, on whether or not she is still grieving.

In many ways it does sound like that is what is going on.

Was she nasty like this to her extended in lawed family before his death, is where I would be looking.

If her behavior only started after his death, then you know this is her way of grieving.

She probably does not want to answer questions about her husbands estate, because she is still living and she sounds to be in pretty tough denial about having to be serious about his estate and things like that.

Her question was extremely insensitive. Yet without knowing her fully, it is hard to say how she intended it to sting and why.....If that makes sense.

If she is not in counseling now, I would recommend someone trying to convince her, she needs to be.

Some people dont want to live with the mother in law in the first place. Now the husband is dead and why would she want to live with mother in law now? She could have been nice about it but she is problably dying inside and doesnt feel like she can put up with his mom's grieving.

Maybe the family isnt being supportive to her. its her husband that died. The man she slept with. They need to leave her alone if she cant stnad to be around them.

Yes the person was insensitive...you should never question how someone else grieves.
Now if by being "Messy" you mean meddling in other peoples lives and causing trouble...grieving doesn't seem to have anything to do with it...seems like you are saying that is that way she has been from the beginning!!! And it is perfectly respectable to address an issue like that ( dangerous but if you are brave...go for it!!) BUT I would not have associated it with her grieving process...that is where the mistake was made.
It sounds to me like you now no longer have to deal with her "mess" so relax and enjoy the quiet!!