Helping Toddler Transition with New Baby in House

My daughter was 3 years old when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, and she turned 4 a couple of months after he was born.

I, from the time I was pregnant with my 2nd child, told my daughter "You are my FIRST baby... and I will always love you no matter what... that is why you are special..." My daughter gets great comfort from hearing that... and even now. Of course I don't "compare" she and her brother or say that in front of my son.. but I have a special phrase with my son too.. saying he is my FIRST son.... and always will be and Mommy loves you etc.

I prepped my daughter and spent a lot of time with her doing that, while I was pregnant.

Some things I did was:
-take her to all my pre-natal appointments. The Doctor encourages this and even taught her how to use the Doppler device on my tummy to 'hear' her brothers heart-beat. She LOVED that.
- I took photos of her very month, as my tummy grew, WITH my tummy or her caressing my tummy. It was special for HER... not for my sake, but for her.
- I spent time explaining to her what a baby is, what they do, how come they cry, how Mommy has to feed him, how baby LOVES HER too, that baby can 'hear' her in my tummy etc. I then gave her confidence in the whole process WITH me being pregnant and having feelings about her brother in my tummy.
_ I let her express ANY feeling, insecurities or worries or great ideas/thoughts about baby. And praised her.
-We bought things for her baby brother together...
- I explained to her that Mommy has to take care of baby in my tummy too... that I have to rest. And we would nap together... she would even tell me "Mommy you need to rest, I'll get a blanket for you..." and she felt "caring" about the whole process and the baby in my tummy. Developing "empathy".
- I let her rub my tummy, sing to it, talk to it, etc. It gave her a connection to her baby brother.
- I made up a "special" nod and hand-shake with my daughter, that only the 2 of us would do... just to check on the other or to 'connect' with each other even if was busy or we were across the room from each other. My daughter LOVED this, and we STILL do that with each other. It is "special" and just between us.

Most importantly...you need to make time for him after baby is home. An "eldest" child has to adapt to their 'new' baby too. They will need even more time and one on one time. A child does not suddenly "become" older just because they are now an "eldest" sibling.... KEEP all "expectations" upon him AGE-appropriate. And, some children will also regress at times. Its okay. An eldest child is not perfect nor "all grown up" by default just because they have a baby sibling. They are STILL just a child, too.
I let my daughter know, that I do NOT "expect" her to be different/better just because she is now the eldest...that she is NOT the "example" for her brother by default of her being the eldest... I know that she is still a child... .and needs Mommy too... that she can tell me anything no matter what and its okay.

Just some quick ideas,
All the best & Congratulations,
Susan

My daughter was 22 months when my son was born. I kept in mind what it would feel like if my husband told me that he loved me so much & wanted another wife. She would arrive tomorrow. Intense jealousy. Because of her age, we decided it wouldn't do her any good to see me in the hospital then have to leave without me (I had a c-section). When we returned home, I didn't want her first view of me to be holding a baby. I walked in alone, later my husband brought in the baby & put him in another room. I spent time with my daughter. She "found" the baby a few minutes later. I also had used the "I'm a Big Sister Now" before and after his birth. She LOVED it. I breast fed. I never said no to her because of the baby (didn't blame the baby). I would distract her with something else until I could do what she requested. They are now 4.5 & 6.5 and both have adjusted well. They have normal sibling squabbles, but play & enjoy each other.

Congratulations on your growing family! My son was 3 1/2 when our daughter was born. We tried to include him in all aspects of the baby's care and every chance I got I would play cars, color and read with my son. Every week my hubby and I took our son out on a "date" while my mom watched our baby girl.

When our daughter was born our son started acting out for about 2 weeks. We were loath to discipline him, because life had changed so for him, but we knew we HAD to have consequences for his behaviour. Literally as soon as we started being consistent with our regular discipline he was back to his sunshiny self and has been best friends with our daughter.

Good luck to you!

J.,
Don't fret, Here are some tips that I use and it works very well.
First make sure that you are not calling him or referring to his as your "Baby". If it is a habit switch to calling him "babe" As in "Thanks, Babe" or Call him your "Big Babe" Or "Big Boy" or "Big helper"
Second, Accentuate all the things that he can do that baby's can't. Whenever he does something that he is pleased with, respond with, "Great! you can do that because you are getting bigger everyday" something like that. Let him know that he will always be your child, but that you are so excited for him so grow bigger, and talk about all the things that big boys do, and all the things that babies can't. (make being a baby sound boring)
Third, Make sure you are calling your baby, "Our Baby" or "your baby sister" rather then "my baby" or "the baby". That way he will take ownership and take good care of her when she gets here.
Fourth, Let him start a few things that only big boys can do. Like Daddy man dates and mommy and me time.
Fifth, when Baby does come, have him help you with everything he can, and praise the heck out of him!
Sixth, When you have to feed the baby or change or comfort, say things like" Its ----'s turn right now, when I am done it will be your turn" and When you are done make a big deal about it being his turn for your attention, read a book or play or whatever it was he needed.
hope these help you, Good luck
E.

Congratulations J.. I also have a 3 1/2 year old son and am expecting a little girl in May. I'm sure there is going to be jealousy when the baby comes. It's only normal. Especially since our boys have already spent 3 years being the "only" baby. When we first told our son, he was NOT happy and didn't like the idea of a baby in the house. That lasted for a few months.
I told my son that HE will always be my baby, even when's he's an old man. I also tell him he's my favorite son (he's my only son, so that works).
We already have a name picked out, "Mackenzie", so we either refer to her as "Mackenzie" or "your sister". He will also call her the baby in your belly. But I try to make a point of not calling her "the baby" and make more of a point as saying "your sister" and letting him know that's he's going to be a big brother and will have fun teaching his sister lots of cool things.
When we see babies on TV or in public we warn him that's what she's going to look like. She's going to small and cry alot 8-)
We also plan of getting our son a nice gift from his sister when she is born...
Good luck!

Hi J.,

Congrats on you next little one. I am also due to have our second in April and our son is three.

My husband and I just took a labor refresher class that included a great deal of helpful hints on how to help you older child adjust to the new baby.

First the teacher suggested not saying things like "your a big boy now" because it usually ends up causing more regression and jealousy. She suggested instead like the other moms said just giving big praise for doing things for himself.

When the baby first comes home bring the baby into the house in the infant seat and let your child see the babies feet, fingers, tiny face, ect. without you or your husband holding the baby. This also appies to if your son is comming to see you in the hospital. The baby should be in the bassinet so tht you can give your full attention to your son first before introducing the baby. I did find though that as far as my hospital goes children are not alloud up to the maternity ward currently due to H1N1.

If he is going to preschool let him stay home for a day or two hanging out so that he can see that you are not having a party while he is at school. Two days of a crying or sleeping baby will be enough for him to discover that the baby is actually a bit boring and he is not missing anything.

She also said it really helps to have a half hour of what she called "floor time" with your older child every day. This is a time when Dad takes the baby, maybe even out of the house for a walk and you give your undevided attention to your son and do whatever he wants. This gives him a window that he can count on to know he will have you all to himself.

SHe also suggested having a special bin of toys and treats that only comes out when you are desperate for a few extra minutes to finish what you need to do with the baby. You allow your son to choose on item from the special box to play with the gain those few minutes. The box should only come out when you are really desperate so it is a real treat for your son.

She also suggested getting a real looking infant baby doll that he can have to play with. She said don't be alarmed if your son bangs it against a wall but do use it as a teaching moment about how delicate babies are and that we have to be careful around them.

Finally she said most children actually show more regressive behavior about three months after the baby comes so be prepared that things might go very smoothly and then later get bumpy. Try to be patient but don't start changing your normal dicipline routine when it comes to bad behavior because that can create confusion and create more problems.

I hope some of this helps and you have a smooth transition to a family of four.

You will be okay and so will your son, you will feel torn at times between baby and toddler but there are many things you can do together like reading books and taking walks, and have toddler help you with baby, by bringing diapers and toys for new baby. Also remember newborns do sleep a lot so you end up having more free time than you think. Find some "big Brother" books at the library to prepare him with the huge job of being a big brother, remind him of all the things he can do, walking, talking, eating, using potty that babies cannot. When baby does sleep have special time with your son Try to keep the same activities you did before with your son, just bring baby in a front carrier or stroller, or when daddy or a friend can watch baby make special one on one time. your son will adjust and will soon play with his new sister and be grateful for her, Also do not forget to give yourself some me time too- that will help everyone in the family- it is a precious balance and some days are better than others but my family has adjusted well w/ my 2 1/2 yr old and now 10 mo old

Your child is too young to understand any explenation. he does not understands what you mean when you tell him there is a baby in your tummy. Children's understanding is very concrete, and when he will se a baby, he will know he is there. So, so not expect the conversations to make him understand, but they are good things to do so your child will start to make such connections.
That is why your child say he is the baby. He IS the baby, from a concret thinker point of view. It is important to reasure him nothing is changing is your relationship with him, so let him be the baby.
When the new baby arrives, that is when the changes are going to be dealt with. He probably still would like to be the baby, and let him. He might want to get what his new sibling is having, and I am sure you do not want him to feel punished, or demoted, by the new addition to the family. This will be the time to give him extra additional attention. The new baby needs his time, but make it short and fast and than spend some one-on-one time with the older one. After all, he is "big brother", but he is a baby, too...
The biggest surprise for parents is the idea that sibling rivlary is inevitable, but can be managed. Each child will feel he cannot get the time he wants, but you are in the position to do a "triage", and decide what are the priority. With two children, you have a group dynamic now, which you did not have with one child. Now you are a family! It is OK not to be there for each one as they wish, and still be a good Mom.

Get your toddler a toy and make sure the gift tag says: from your baby sister. Make an iron on T-shirt that says "Big Brother". Also, have dad take him on a special day out of the house to do some of his favorite things. And if you have a special nickname for your son, like "baby", reserve that only for him and don't use it for the new baby. Good luck and will be well!

Read the Bernstains Bear Big Brother book, it really works, A.

In my opinion you'll have to play it by ear--we brought home a new baby with a 2 year old and it went pretty smoothly- we kept our nanny and nanny share on through the transition, plus my 2 year old was really attached to daddy. Keeping things the same as much as possible i think is important. But, now like you, I'm 31 weeks pregnant and will be coming home to a 4 and 2 year old. I think my 4 year old will be fine but my 2 year old is more attached to me, especially at bedtime. We plan on keeping our nanny through the transition as well but i know this will be harder. My 2 year old doesn't let our nanny do much for him when i'm around. I have heard of major jealously that can happen-one family sought counseling it was so bad. I just keep telling myself and be calm and keep things as normal as possible. Remember, even if it is not smooth in the begining it will eventually all work out. The more nervous you get -- that feeling will transfer to others around you. A great book (which i need to read again) is The Power of Now.