Help!! Unable to Deal with My Kids!!

Hi J. L.

It sounds like the older kids have a little too much idle time. Try putting them in some extra activity, something to tire them out and maybe they will be more calmer and relaxed when they come home. Do something fast because the 2 year old will soon be acting out as well.
Good luck.

HI! My gilrs' are younger but...I have been reading the "Everything Parent's Guide To Positive Discipline" by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. and it seems to help me understand and better able to deal with this kind of thing. Good Luck!

hi J., im a mom with 5 kids one 18 who still lives
at home with me, one 14, one 9 one 8 and last one is 3 yrs.
old and all at home. Yes! there is times when i wanna
pull hairs,but i found something that worked for me
that might be able to work for you, go to the store and
find you a single set of pretty dishes that is to your
liking and store it in your cupboards where you could find
it, buy you a glass that makes you feel as if you were
at one of the most expensive restaurant of your choice,
and make sure you have a body wash that smells really great
and makes you feel like you payed a fortune to be pampered.
im not trying to make you broke or anything like that, but
these are things that could be useful when we need it, it
doesnt need to be victoria secret body wash or china dishes
just something inexpensive but very eye catching and fresh
feeling and smells great. Now here it is, what i gather from
woman is that we need time for us, not being selfish but that
is the thing that mothers lack and its not the kids its our
time we need for ourselves that makes it hard to deal with.
when i feel like all hell is breaking loose against me through dealing with the kids , i settle them down by giving them space to feel free to watch a video. play video games or
just going outside to play with their friends of course where
i know of their whereabouts, then i go to the kitchen get out that pretty dish that belongs to me in these times, that
nice glass that make me feel like im fine dining in the most
beautiful restaurant on earth, i either put a desert on there
or a sandwich and i sit at my couch and put up my feet and
lounge, take a warm shower with your body wash and youre ready to tackle couple more hours of kids bickering and fighting. I realize through all this that sometimes we as
moms gonna have to make it happen even when it seems as if were falling apart, stand up take authority over the kids and
pamper yourself, because i cant always go to the salon, get a manicure, get a massage, i realize that god said in his word that i can do all things through christ whom strengthens me, so that already tells me that christ is all i need and its in me, make the best out of your day even when it seems like its the worst day in history, good people dont necessarily have great days, they just make the best out of it. may god bless you J. and continue to help you with the children.

J.,
I have four children, two teenage s still at home. I can definately relate to what you are going through. I have recently found a great resource - it is a set of tapes called Value Based Parenting, by Dean Nixon. He is local here and also teaches a weekly parenting class that is great. You can get the tape through Turning Leaf Wellness Center here in St George. Also, he has a weekly radio show on 1450AM on Wednesday from 4:30 to 5:00. Anyway, the idea is that as a family you come up with 10 core values that you want to live by. As parents you try to the values, then teach them to the kids and get them on board. One of them might be respect, and when your child is talking back you would ask them how being disrespectful fits with your family vaules. The kids help come up with a list of consequences to choose from when they go against one of the values. (Dean explains it much better) Go to turningleafseminars.com for more info. Good Luck!!

THE BEST THING I EVER DID! Go and buy this.http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?dsource=googleb&am...

I had 3 kids and then my husband died but before he died, we have the earthquake and a lot of him was gone and my kids took over. Get this program and learn how to take back control and raise good kids, not jerks!

Well I'm not sure if I have the answers but am hoping it will help for you to know this is pretty normal - really miserable, but normal. My husband and I have raised 11 children, yours, mine, ours(adopted) and still have the 3 youngest at home 12, 11, 10. We have same situation. Youngest is boy and tortures two older sisters. 12 yr. old has so much attitude its awful. Middle daughter is better but ALL have to get the last word and get great joy out of getting each other in trouble. Had similiar issues with sets of three in older groups (all now either married or living out of the house) so we know its to be expected but feel its magnified on this go round. We think it is worse because of the way public schools have gotten so we pulled them out and put them in private charter school and things have improved greatly. New school is much smaller and seems to have a different caliber of children attending there. We have also gotten alot more consistent in consequences.

I would say read The Indigo Children book. Sounds like your daughter is definitely an Indigo child, and son may be too!

http://www.amazon.com/Indigo-Children-Kids-Have-Arrived/d...

Good luck!

A.

We just took a parenting course through Empowered Parenting! Every parent should take a course is parenting. It's help use so much. You maybe controlling or trying to have too much power over what they do. I found I'm very controlling and when I stop and let them figure things out for themslelves, with some assistants, it's great to see the outcome. It's almost like you have to reprogram your mind on how to parent. I wish we were given a text book before we leave the hospital!
Mother of 2 very different boys. One with Special Needs.

Hi, I would suggest putting them in sports. Let them take their aggression outside and let the coaches train them & help structure them. I work with kids from 5 thru college and i have seen a changes in them emotionally and physically. Soccer, Basketball, Baseball, Sofball, Swimming, Dance, YMCA. I hope that helps. Good luck

J.,

Girl, you need a vacation! Or at least some quality alone time! I have no idea what it's like to have 3 kids, but know that my 1 2 1/2 year old is too much for me at times. I'm definitely a person who enjoys doing MY own thing from time to time, and don't feel that's unusual, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are not robots, but people with feelings and needs, too, and YOU need to do something for yourself. I don't know the answer as to how to handle the situation with your kids. I wish I could help. But PLEASE make some time for your self to rejuvinate yourself so that you can take on this task of motherhood with a renewed sense of confidence. You NEED this!

Good luck,
M.

Check out "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Faber/Mazlish. Very quick easy read and EXCELLENT parenting book. Good luck.

When we were having trouble with our two we finally went to a parenting coach. This parenting stuff is hard! At least it is for me. The coach helped us so tremendously, and most of our issues have resolved when we followed her advice. It might be good to start with a consult to see what direction she might take it. Her name is Melody Elder. Her Web site is http://www.awakenedheartparenting.com.

Take care,
B.

Sounds like you need to bring the fun back into the house. Your two older kids need to do activities that will bring them closer together. Create fun games that they would need to work together and figure things out. (you would need to do some homework on that one) Maybe spend some quality time with each of them seperatly and then together as well.
The kids definately need to take responsibility for there actions. Maybe your son is so emotional because he feels like he is always getting blamed for things he has not done. (I would get upset too!) I think if you spend the quality time with each of your kids seperatly, they may get along better in time. I've seen all these techniques on the Super Nanny show. I'm no expert (I have a 9 month old), but I know that children need special time alone with their parents and fun times together. Good luck!

You are their mother, therefore in charge. No child should EVER be able to hijack the emotions of a family. It's time your daughter spent some quality time in her room. No phone, TV, computer, music. Just her, alone with her thoughts. She may come out for meals and to use the bathroom, go to school and such. Try it for one night even. After one of her episodes, send her to her room for the entire evening.If she protests too much tell her she'll go right in after school tomorrow too if she doesn't stop. She can come out the next day if she agrees to act appropriately and respect the other members of the family. Otherwise, it's back in her room. Be strong. Don't let her bully you. YOU ARE THE MOM NOT HER FRIEND! It's your job to help her understand that she is only one member of the family and she needs to act like one.
There is also a great book by John Rosamond called Teen Proofing. I know your kids are not teens yet, but it has a lot of great advice

Many children are involved in a constant contest to see which of them Mom (or Dad, or both) love best. They do this - or at least, mine did - by trying to see who can get away with the most, or who you are having to discipline the most. I often had to separate them from each other and/or from the rest of the family. That meant a lot of, "Go to your room." It won't hurt them to be isolated until they can be together and act reasonably. If they fought over a toy, or the TV, I simply took the item or priviledge away. I did not engage in any conversation about who started it or whose fault it was, because that feeds the competetiveness. I just told them, "If you can't use it nicely, nobody needs to have it," or, "If you can't play nicely together, you don't need to be together." It's exhausting, but make sure you have them say, "please," "thank you," and all those other things that constitute manners. Good luck!

Hi J.~
I am also a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids and soon to be 4 ( I am due with my 4th in about 3 weeks).
Anyways the ages of my kids are pretty much the same as yours I have a 10yr. old son, 8yr. old daughter and a 3yr. old daughter.
Let me tell you sometimes I wish it wasn't bad to just lock them in their rooms and throw away the key..right?
But my oldest is giong through that same thing. He always has to have the last word, always back talks at the inappropriate time, seems not to listen.
Same with my 8 yr old daughter. She has a major attitude problem, and wants to see everyone else in trouble. But neither one can take responsibility for their actions!

I had to set some MAJOR ground rules for them. First things first in my house, they every day have a "time out", which is for a couple hours are sent to their rooms to read, play game, play with toys ect.. but it is that time alone they seem to refelce how "boaring" it is with out one another..LOL..
Second, the chores. my kids do chores to "earn" TV time, or Wii, or X-box, what ever it is.. they earn time. So if they are not listening it is taken from them and they are forced to either play nicely or help me out. I think the bonding time with eachother or myself HELPS out tramendously!

Also the last bit of advice I can give is to get out yourself. I am involved in a Moms Club for stay-at-home moms. I am the president of my chapter, and having moms go through what i go through on a daily basis, and to be able to talk to them with out judgement is such a relief to me. I think that helps me be a better mom, and keeps me happy knowing I have these women to tell me that I am not the only one.

If you are interested in coming to a activity let me know. We are here in Corona!
Good Luck, take care,
T.

I am also 30 yrs old and have 3 kids..2 boys the ages of 4 and 2 and a 15 yr. old stepdaughter. I to was having a ton of trouble with my boys always fighting and my 4 year old had the worst mouth and was a back talker. He always thought it was funny when he would make my 2 year old cry and would do MEAN things on purpose!! I bought a kitchen timer and started putting them in time out..I put them on the couch where they can see me and my other children playing and we don't say a word to him. I sit him there for 5 min. and if he screams or back talks I hold the kitchen timer to his face and add a extra 2 min. If the boys laugh at each other for being put in a time out they both go because in my house we are all suppose to be BEST FRIENDS and we want to make everyone happy!! I have also purchased a pair of cheap handcuffs and when they can't work well as a team I handcuff the 2 of them together for 15 min. and make them do things together like clean there messes!! I know that sounds mean..BUT it works. My father was a police officer and did the same to me and my brothers and now I can say both of them are my best friends and I love and enjoy spending time with them. You should try it..trust me it works!!

S. Murrieta

Some people call the Redirecting Children's Behavior course a miracle. It can be the fastest, deepest, and most lasting way to get your family back on track, find peace, and start having fun again. Go to www.incaf.com to find a certified instructor near you. It'll be the best money you will ever spend, period, because it will give you stronger, more productive and loving relationships with your children that will last a life time.

We've used this for 15 years at our house. Parenting can be so joyful when you have the right tools.

Best Wishes, C.

Hi J.,
All of my children are grown, I had 4 in 5 years...So I totally understand your frustrations. I'm certainly not an expert, just a mom with maybe a little more experience and my heart really goes out to you. Its so much easier in hindsite to see where you could have done better. Anyway, I think your oldest daughter needs attention. This may sound simplistic, but honestly if you could find sometime or some special activity for the two of you to do together, without the other two it may make a huge difference in her attitude. She needs to feel like she if very special to you and I think too often we discipline an action and don't try to figure out what the root problem is. Usually the bad behavior is a scream for attention. Believe me I'm not saying not to discipline...I'm a firm believer that you have to have control, but the question is why is she behaving this way. She is at such a sweet age she should be your biggest helper, your best friend. It won't be long until she's a teenager then you will be replaced by friends. Its so very important that you establish a really stong relationship now. I had two girls and two boys, the boys remain a mystery to me but girls are a little easier to manage. No matter what you think she desires your approval. The most important thing you can do is get this oldest child under control. In most families...they lead the pack.
I hope maybe this is a little helpful, its a daily struggle but so worth the effort.
G.

This is a tough age and you need to nip it in the bud.
You will have a alot of problems when she is ateenager.
Can I ask how old you where when you married.

J. L,

Have you taken your #1 out just the two of you and gone to a movie and dinner. See, I have two daughters and they are exactly two & half (2 1/2) years apart. We began our "dates" when they were young, five and three. On days that I went out with Justine, dad would do something fun with Kristin. It's continued into their twenty-somethings because, why not. It's been a terrific way for each child to have all the time with each parent. It's also been a great way for my daughters to communicate with me. Perhaps that is a big reason we are still talking and close as ever. I am the Mom and I am also their friend.

The other thing, you cannot be just a friend, your child needs to know the "rules" of the house and her role in the family. She is not the mom and you need to let her know what is acceptable and what is not. Definitely bad attitude is a big no and you need to tell her that now.
I really think, talking with her one on one without any other distraction will help. She probably feels like you aren't interested in whats going on and number two feels like
a number two and he doesn't exist unless hi is complaining or being a pest. Which is because each child needs to know their place in the family dynamics.

Hope my suggestion helps you.

:)A.

HI J.,
I don't have a solution, but would love to see the responses you get. I am in the same boat, but I homeschool. So there is no break.
Good luck and post your responses
K. E

Watch Supernanny. You have to show them how to behave. Plan family things to do together. When they misbehave, look directly into their eyes and firmly tell them that what they are doing is not acceptable and give them a time out, one minute for each year of age. When the time is over, get back to their eye level and ask them to tell you why they were in time out, and (you can) reiterrate that the behavior is not acceptable, ask for an apology, give them a hug, and set them off to do better. Lots of times kids seem to misbehave when they have too much free time, no good family activities, no chores, etc. Build family togetherness and you will see an improvement. S., mom of four

Yikes.
Perhaps they are looking for attention and any attention is good for them. (You may be hollaring at them but you are spending one on one time doing so). So when it occurs, be calm, take them each to a time out, when it is done, calmly remove them from time out without touching, minimal eye contact and low tone. (they don't get the attention they are looking for) But the conversation isn't over. Later when they are calm, one may ask you to play a game, take them somewhere, do something for them, now is the time to explain why they can't. "Honey, I would love to take you to Susies house but you've lost the privelege when you can't behave as is expected in our house" Have the converstation - she may cry and get mad but they need to realize that their actions have consequences. They made their choice. My 7-1/2 year old cried but instead of a "I hate you, I'm so mad", it was more of a "I'm so dissapointed" cry. And I held her and told her I was sorry for her but bad behavior doesn't get rewarded.

Then when you see her doing what you want her to do, offer up that trip to the mall, a play date...
But make certain ahead of time, they know what is expected in your house. What are your rules, how should they behave... then reinforce it. It may get harder before it gets easier but you have to show them what you want and reinforce, reinforce, don't show weekness and STAY CALM (That's the hardest part for me!)
Also, don't be afraid to call a parenting coach if one is available in your area. For less than $100 you can get advice from a professional who can tell you specifics about your situation. Try looking at http://theparentingdoctor.com/category/dr-anns-place-for-... (I have absolutely NO association with this, just have listened to here and know a variety of people she has helped.)
Good luck - it's never easy.

J.,
I read a lot about what your daughter does, and your son but nothing about what you have tried.
I agree with a couple of the Mom's, if your family is not involved in a church you need to be. Children will model behavior they see. If you spend a lot of time with children who are being raised in a Christian home where discipline is the key to happiness you will see a huge difference.
We raise our children according to Christian Principles. They do Not call the shots. We have many things they are permitted to do, none of which include raising their voices, fighting, and there is no arguing with us. We do not argue with them.
Arguing with children, or anyone for that matter, is pointless.
When a child is out of control you Must exert control. The child needs to be seperated from everyone for long enough to calm down. Your daughter may be approaching puberty and her emotions can be pretty extreem. One of mine cried for a year and the other was angry about everything!
The key is not to be a part of the problem. Don't get caught up in fighting with her. Be a broken record and set boundaries for acceptable behavior.
Get your husband involved. These children are the responsibility of Both parents. Jesus loves them and you and your husband as well.
Ask Him into your lives, read your Bible daily, read it to your children as well. It is amazing the difference it will make.
That is a promise.
D.

It is your house and your rules. I have learned to not argue if I said it that is it. You talk she listen if she wants to respone it is after you. and when she is done just say "never the less". I said no. And when she forgets something or needs you to do something remind her of how she has acted and say "what a bummer" if you would have..... I maybe could help you.

Hi J..

It sounds like the kids are the bosses in your family. Not you or your husband.
It is always hard to know where to start but I would take a good look at friends, school and what goes on there. Make sure nothing is going on there. There is always a possibility your daughter had gone through something she doesn't dare to or even can talk about and this is her way of coping.

Buf if this is not the matter and her acting out is just a bad behaviour,and she does not respond to YOUR rules, she needs to find HER fun gets minimized.
Time out and removal of favorite possessions. Every time she misbehaves you remove one more of her favorite things. To get them back she will have to earn them.

For your 8 year old, this applies too.

Always remember they are children. Their way to understand must be brought to them in a firm but loving way.

Good luck.

Are you giving any consequences? or do you just get upset and let it slide?

Hi, I am a stay at home mom also. I do have a 8 year old and a ten year old and your house sounds JUST LIKE MINE! My kids are always trying to out do each other in every way. You are not alone, I had to come to realize it is the age, Your ten year old is going through the changes of life believe it or not, mine seems to know it all and she will do what I ask of her when she feels like it. ( does that sound like yours)? I just know that it won't be this way forever and I need to show them whose boss in a loving way. Spending one on one time separately seems to help. Are you involved at the School ? I spend allot of time working up there or taking things home, The kid's like to see mom involved in some of their stuff. Keep in touch I think we have allot in common.

My kids are younger and I only have two but I often find myself in similiar circumstances. I feel all I ever do is say no, stop, don't, etc. I sometimes feel I am sucking the joy out of thier childhood but kids need boundaries. Set house rules, be consistant and firm, don't tolerate back talk. Having the last word is OK as long as it is respectful. I recently took some parenting classes at Saddleback Church and they really gave some wonderful, solid advice. There is another class in March, it is open to everyone and it is free. You should check it out.

There is a book called 'The Strong Willed Child' that might help. Also, consequences that matter to the child are often effective. I've used consequences like wardrobe restrictions for my daughter, and ten year olds are often very clothes conscious. More than once I restricted my daughter from all accessories, or only allowed her to wear jeans and tee shirts, now that she is 14 I use internet restrictions...also, when one of my kids threw a temper tantrum, I threw myself on the floor and threw one myself. THAT really blows their minds...
It is important that as the mom and the BOSS that you have serious boundaries. My parents held family conferences on a weekly basis, and so do I. A family conference is a time when everybody sits together around the living room or kitchen, Mom or Dad, get a notebook to take notes. Each person gets a turn to talk about what the others in the family are doing that is irritating or creating a problem. It is a rule that the speaker speaks in appropriate tones and language, and the rest of the family listens without comments or interruptions, including rude behaviors like finding ways to indicate disinterest through body language, never say never and never say always is another rule, as well as speak in I statements...a good behavior to learn, instead of pointing fingers, YOU did this and YOU do that, etc., nobody's issues should be treated or responded to as if they are unimportant. The speaker should also say what they'd like to see happening instead of what is happening in the issue they are bringing to the table. All eyes on the speaker, and no glaring, etc. After each speaker speaks, the others respond with how they would feel in that speakers position and the family dicusses solutions to those situations. No yelling, no blaming, teach the kids to say to one another and to you as parents "When you_____________, I feel_______________."
Your family dynamics just need some work. And it IS work. These behaviors weren't with the kids when they were born, they were developed by the kids testing and getting away with whatever. Sometimes it seems easier to just ignore or overlook a little kid's behavior because addressing it is challenging. Stay firm, consistent, kind, and in charge.

If sister says "HE does this and HE does that and HE is dumb and HE gets on my nerves" that's not acceptable. It's got to be "When BROTHER blames me for something I didn't do, I feel angry and I feel like I want to get back at him and I feel like you always take HIS side because he is smaller" or whatever, remember she is thinking with a 10 year old girl's thought process. Ask her to be more specific, give specific examples. Same for your son. Maybe she's been jealous of him since he was born because she was no longer the baby, I don't know, these are things you have to find out.

Incentives are good too...kids respond to rewards. Make a chart, post it in the kitchen, keep track of how many times they fight in a week and talk about that at family conference. Name calling, talking back? Seriously, there is nothing like washing the mouth out with soap. A little dish detergent on the toothbrush, no joke. NOT pleasant, NOT dangerous and they are going to figure out that they do NOT want to have to do that. Put consequences in place and do not waver, no second changes for talking back and name calling. Those are completely unacceptable behaviors. And if you aren't anti-God, find a family oriented church where there are activities for kids.
Another thing...with both my 14 and 22 year old girls...this is the rule...no backtalk, and do not argue with me. PERIOD. If I say this is the way it is, they can agree or disagree, but all I want to hear is "Okay, Mom" even if they disagree. They can come to me with that later in appropriate manner and tone and we can talk about it. But when I draw the line, OKAY MOM and that is ALL I want to hear. Kids need to know that you have the power to make them as miserable as they are making you. Take away EVERYTHING they have to entertain themselves with and give them no other option but to do things together. Take the TV, video games, all of that. Give them a board game. Maybe after family conference you could order pizza and play board games together as a family. Maybe family conference could be arranged on a Friday night after the baby is in bed so there isn't that distraction and the big kids get some special attention in an activity that is conducive to getting along. Play games that call for teams, and make the two of them be teammates.
Lastly...MONITOR AND CENSOR televison, video game and movie selections...NO VIOLENCE. No movies not rated G. No fighting video games, racing games or other competitive games, but the violence that is feeding into most children is an influence and it has got to come out somewhere.

One last suggestion...a good reward might be a Mommy and Me or Daddy and Me day at the end of the month if improvement is evident. Charts and graphs are visual and kids respond well to that. You could start with a gold star for every day with no more than two confrontations...three gold stars for every day with no confrontations at all, and the one with the most gold stars could get a reward. If enough gold stars are earned, the Mommy and me or Daddy and me day is a reward. The child can choose which parent they want to spend that day with and what they'd like to do (to keep the day's activity do-able, give them a list of options to choose from, a movie, out to dinner, a day at the park, etc.).

I hope that something here helps...good luck! I'll put J. L and family on my prayer list.

You can contact me at ____@____.com if you like. Feel welcome but don't feel obligated!

yep, you have your hands full. When my two boys would fight at that age and younger I would make them stand with there noses tounching each other. Its hard to stay mad at someone that way. It sound slike each of them can spend a little time in their rooms or seperate room and get an attitute adjustment.
Its very simple , but you have to stand your ground. You will not tolerate this behavior and if you continue to act this way you will loose all privilages. Write it down and make them read it, repeat it and sign it. Place it in a place where they can see it. Refer to it and above all , no matter how difficult it is on you to. STICK TO IT> You can even have them help you determine what would be the proper punishment for what behavior. You will be happier person in the long run. Just keep remembering you are the Adult , You are in charge of running this home. Do it and Do it right.
hang in there , your doing a good job
N.

Jinny
It's your fault. You are not setting boundaries for your children. Do not let them get away with bad bahavior!!! Be strong and make them behave like respectful kids. They need consequences!!! Take their videos away, take away what ever they love!!! Do this and they will understand bad behavior is nottttt tolerated!!!!!! Do not wait. It will get worse everyday. Start today!!!
It also sounds they are mad at you. Ask them. They may not be getting quality time from you, and acting out is common. Spend quality time with them separately, have a real talk with them to see what's going on inside their head. There is a reason your kids are acting out. Kids just don't act out just because.
Your house should be happy and peaceful like mine... with two kids ages 10 & 12, girl and boy. Mine are even nice to each other.
Be strong
T

Hi Jinny,
Based on what you've written about your oldest-is there a possibility that she is having problems at school or doesn't feel like she has enough time alone with you? It could be a lot of things -as I'm sure you can guess. Does she see a counselor? It doesn't seem like there's much communication in your relationships with your kids (please don't think that's a moral comment. Kids can trigger your buttons but that's not being in communication). Something you might want to check out is an organization called Landmark Education. It's a seminar that gives you access to having workable communication and there's also one for kids. I've seen miracles happen to people who take the seminar. Look it up on the web & check it out, it doesn't hurt.

Wow! Are you sure you aren't talking about the way my kids used to be? LOL We acctually went to family counseling for this reason. We got some of the best advice from him.
First we had to make out schedules for each child and what thier daily plan was. If they do not do what is on the schedule for that alotted time then they would lose a privalige. Then there was the everyday interaction between the kids. Chair time is great. How it works is If they do anything that is anything but nice and helpful they got two minutes of chair time. That is two mins. of NO talking NO moving in their chair NO fiddling with anything for two mins.
If they can not do this then they get two more mins. If they get a total of 6 mins then they are grounded for the next 24 hours to the minute. You need to sit there with them or be in the room to watch them. When they do comlete the chair time they have to tell you why they were in chair time. When they are done telling you why you tell them that you love them and give them a hug and a kiss and send them on thier way. Now if they physically touch each other in an agressive way then they get an automatic 24 hour grounding. And grounding is in thier room on their bed doing nothing but school work and staring at the ceiling. And yes they have to ask to go to the bathroom.
I have to tell you it took about a week of me really getting on them and enforcing the schedule and chair time. But it works. I have three girls 11, 13, & 14 and a son that is 2 1/2. They all get along pretty good now. Now it is just the teenage years that are gonna get me.
I hope I could help. Sorry for the length. remember to give lots of love. Hugs and kisses all the time. My kids love that.
Good luck
B.

J.,

How do you resolve the issue of your children fighting? Do you yell and do fair fighting?

Are your older children happy about having the 2 yo around? I noticed there is quite an age difference.

Some kids fight and instigate trouble when they are bored or jealous. Have them work on seperate projects together. Play with them. A home full of fun is a place where kids want to be. So do more fun activities with them for 2 weeks. Call a family meeting to discuss family rules and values. Keep it simple. There is a program called Accountability now that can help you with accountability pyramids and setting rules. Your kids are starting some bad habits. The middle one manipulating and enjoying pleasure from it. The 10 year old sounds like this is a developmental,control issue. Take some time now or your kids will be the next school bullies.

Debbie

I just wanted to let you know that you are not a lone. I also have three children 2 1/2, 7 & 9 - all boys. Our house sounds very similar with attidue and middle child issues. We do alot of separating of the kids to get them to calm down and actually talk out what is the problem. Sometime that is all it takes, because you are now giving them the attection they need. I am not saying it is easy, I have my times as well. I just know that being a parent of three pulls you in all different direction and trying to stay focused is sometimes hard. I wish you all the best. I hope that you are able to find some kind of sanity. Stay strong and remember you are only one person.

Hi there! Are you sure you are talking about your kids? For a moment, I thought you were talking about my daughter! And she is only six!!!
I don't really have an advice, except for this: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS!!! They go through stages - sometimes it lasts years... - but THEY WILL COME BACK!!! They will grow!!!
My niece had a really hard time as a teenager, but she's back, all sweet and adjusted. And trust me, it was pretty bad back then, drove the entire family crazy! So please, don't give up on them. Go cry in the corner, try to stay alone as much as you can - to recover your sanity - even if it implies hiring a babysitter once a month, if you can afford it, or get a friend to watch them, whatever!
We'll survive, buddy, you're not alone!!!
Bless you!!!
A.

Sounds like the kids are the boss, & until you decide you are the boss, they will be able to see right thru you & take the lead. What do you do when your kids act this way? They must know it wont be much of anything or they wouldn't do it.

Hi J.,

My husband and I raised three kids and now have 7 grandchildren. Although there are more electronic distractions for kids now, other than that, parenting has remained pretty much the same. I'd offer a couple of suggestions from personal experience and then refer you to a great resource. First of all, some behaviors should simply be ignored so the child doesn't get any mileage out of them. Obviously if they are dangerous, hurtful to someone else or destructive to property, you have to intervene. But other times, a child is just bugging you to get your attention. I would suggest that you "catch" your child behaving nicely (it HAS to happen occasionally!) and praise them for good behavior. Whether you use some kind of chart to accumulate points for good behaviors or something else, make the pay off of attention be for the behavior you want, not the disruptive behavior. Set very firm, clear rules about things and post them. Making expectations clear is really important whether your child is 3 or 15!

Other than that, my husband and I have enjoyed watching "Supernanny" on television. Jo has EXCELLENT ideas for developing good, thoughtful behavior in children. Probably the thing she emphasizes the most is consistency and persistence on your part. If you, in fact, give a time out to a child for bad bahavior, be prepared to move that child back to the time out spot until their time is done. Don't let a child whine his or her way out of anything or return to play until the time is done. Be firm. But she also strongly emphasizes how to start having fun with your kids again. My eldest daughter and son both watch Supernanny, and they both have used suggestions she's made. You might try it! Good luck.

I agree with those posting that you have to get back the respect you should have from your daughter and not allow this kind of behavior. However I can't help hearing that lack of support and respect you have for your daughter (the way you framed your question reveals this). The relationship is breaking down and conflict has taken over.
The ongoing model of egos and rivalry with the older two seems to be ingrained and I would advise you seek the help of a professional or maybe even the TV show people who offered on here.
What did you prefer about the 10 year old when she was very young?
Could it be that the baby is your favorite now?
I think you need support. Unless you get a handle on this and start making all the children feel appreciated unique and special - and that you have good things to say about them - things can only get worse.

It sounds to me like the children are being exactly who they are supposed to be..Kids don't come to this world with boundaries and all throughout their life it's their responsibility to test their boundaries in every part of life. That's where it's difficult..it's our job to teach them appropriate boundaries. If it's too hard to figure out what's appropriate therapy could always help to get some ideas. When my son was 4 he started being violent with words and threw the biggest temper tantrums. This lasted for about 4 years until we did therapy and I learned some better skills. It really threw me for a loop how he could come up with that kind of stuff..my husband and I are so mellow and chill. He's as sweet as pie now at age 9.

Call Nanny 911!!! Seriously, you need to become a parent and not allow your kids to run the house. They know you have no backbone and that they can get away with whatever they want. Have a family meeting (with your husband included) and let the kids know that there is a new "sheriff in town"!!! There needs to be serious consequences (not just yelling) for poor behavior and rewards when they do something good. You can't expect them to change when you continue to let them behave the way they do. All yelling does is cause chaos, which you already have plenty of. There are lots of books on parenting...and counselors who specialize in just this type of problem. Look into it. Take charge...you'll be sorry if you don't. It will only get worse!!! Good luck...

sounds like she needs you- i would get a babysitter and take your ten year old rollerskating just you aand her, then talk to her that you need her to be your helper.I think she feels ignored, she misses having you to herself.
good luck

Check out "Redirecting Children's Behavior" (RCB) and "Positive Parenting" books and more importantly parenting classes. It's unfortunate but we're never taught the most fundamental parenting techniques in our lives. There's no easy answer for your problems but they are NOT uncommon. Since your eldest daughter will be entering her teenage years soon, it's especially important to build a closer bond with her now as the attitude you describe will only get worse. There are free parenting classes in all cities and you can call 211 (if its available in your area) to find one or call some community agencies like Jewish Family Services, local community colleges, etc.
Even though I am in the counseling field myself, I took three parenting classes when my first child was born and they have helped me deal with everything from temper tantrums to sibling rivalry.

If you want to talk to someone, my husband is a parent coach. http://www.georgecastromft.com

Hi J. I am also 30 with two kids, boy that is 8 and a girl that is 5 Your house sounds like mind My girl has major additude and is always starting trouble with my boy.Kid are just like that its stages they go threw, Iv heard?? and I remember doing the same thing to my mom.The best advice I can give Is find something for your exihauty maby excersising or I do alot of what I love "mommy time outs" and send them to there room till your ready jump back in.I know it is very hard to disconnet your self in situation like that but you have to take care of your self first. The kids can fell our tensin. Best of luck.Your not alone.

I feel for you!! I have three kids also 10, 8, 5. We have some days like what you have described but not all of our days are that bad. When my two older girls have their bad days I have tried different things. The one I really like (but don't do very often) is having the girls go in their rooms and make a list of things they like about the other person and then they have to come out and read the lists that they made to each other. I know it sounds really corny but it actually has made some moments a little better.
I know that the 10 year old must be tough though. My 10 year old is really pushing the limits much more now. I think it's getting to be a tough time for them. However, I don't let her get away with anything. I think she needs to know that her poor choices will result in negative consequences. (like missing the next birthday party she is going to or whatever will really affect her) Then you can reward her with something postive when you see her acting in a kind way.
I hope that helps. I know when I'm having a rough day with the kids it's hard to see straight to come up with good ideas. Hang in there and I'm sure it will get better.

Seriously you could have been talking about me and my family. I recently allowed my son (9 and very emotional) to go and stay with his dad in Alaska. It was a drastic step, but nothing I could do made this kid happy. He was always negative and mean to everyone, throwing tantrums that would last hours. He was depressed and angry all the time.

He is visiting this weekend after being gone for 8 weeks. It took him about 24 hours to start whining and crying again, while in AK he is happy and relaxed. I think that his dad is a better fit personality wise.

I am not saying that you need to ship your son off, I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone. I hope that my son outgrows it and eventually learns to like his siblings. (he has despised his little brother since he was born)It sounds like you have your hands full and I'm sure that the women on here will have a lot of good advice for you. take the pieces of the advice that will fit your needs and come up with your own special solution.

As for me.... I miss my son like crazy and I feel like I wasn't woman enough to please him. I hate him being gone, but being with his dad has made him happy and believe it or not we are closer than when he lived here. After this weekend I believe that he is better with his dad and his siblings are happier as well. They are able to spend time with me when I'm not all stressed out.

Hi J.;

I raised four children. My eldest is 25 yrs old, married and had 18 mths old daughter. My 21 yrs old son lived and studied in NY for Game and Video Designer. My 16 yrs old is junior college already, 14 yrs old son is freshman in high school. I am stay home mother and my hubby provided us everything that we need. I have to keep this children busy in school and extra curricular activities. You're in charge of your household and you're the boss. You suppose to control,discipline this children of yours,teach them how to respected each other including their parents. I have them routine schedules, even though my house is closer by and walking distance from their school, I still drop them off and picking them up. Having children are challenge and lot of sacrifices in life, it is not an easy task. Being a mother is the most harder job that we ever done in our life. Why don't you allow them to yell and calling names. This needed to stop. Positive enforcement and discipline are the best way to teach your children. I raised my four children and I experienced those attitude but I stop them right away and corrected. I always having a words with them. We always having meals at the family table at 6:30 pm when my husband comes back from work. We teach the children how to carry conversations and letting us know what's going on in their school on that day. I spent lot of time with my children. Inspite of my busy schedules raising them, taking care of my house, paying bills,running our own aparmtne rental business, I still volunteered in their school as room mother, PTA position, Art Docent. The reason I handled all of this job is I am organized and work according to my schedule of my children when they're in school. But after school, I always stop what I am doing and I needed to attend to all of them especially doing their homework and projects. I bake them some cake or cookies so that they have snack in the table while they're doing their homework. I explain to them that it is important to do the work first before play. I monitor with what they're doing. I don't answer the phone when it ring because it is only distractions from my children when I monitor or helping them to their homework. I have to give up lot of time for myself when they're home. Family first before anything else. Then I have them chose what kind of extra curricular activities they wanted to do, I have them join the Girl Scout and Boy Scout. My 25,16,14 yrs children are musical lover and they played five musical intruments, my 21 yrs son also played clarinet but his passion is art. I invested so many musical instruments in our house and art class, sports,music lesson. The more you keep them busy, the challenge to their talent will come out and they have a better things to do than being bored. Is the father is helping you up also. What is the father's input about your children attitude. They needed a positive reprimanded especially they're growing up so quickly. You will tell you 10 yrs old daughter that if she does not listen to you, you will taken her privelege which means if she has a cell phone, you will taken it away from her for one week and it depends on what kind of behavior she is doing. This ground rules will applied to all of your 3 children. I used this method and it works and I take their privelege in life. Remember, we are the parents who provided them everything for them. Give them some chores in the house and make sure you will follow it up. Make sure also to challenge them in their work at school especially their grades. You have to give them a rewards even thought it is expensive, if you could afford it, buy and give it to them. Do not give them anything expensive unless they work for it. I don't believe in give me, give me business, that's spoiling the child. I let my children work for that reward when they brought home their grade. You have to give your children a tough love because if they cannot follow rules and regulations at your home, where do you think they will go? You have to enforce rules and regulations at home because they needed to learn that at home, so that they can also behave at school. Since I am a mother volunteer at school, I understand why those children at school has a problem at school because the parents are not setting it up a good example and discipline to those children at home. Trust me, it will have lot of work but it is work to sacrifice now than later, it will be too late by the time they become teenagers. Since you're daughter is the eldest in the family, you will teach her how to become a good example for her brothers. Also the rules applied to your son also and vice versa. Believe it is a lot of work and patient raising this children now at days. I am glad that I am half way done before the two children went to college. The more activities they have, they think and act better and discipline with themselves. Discipline and behavior is very important to teach to our children now a days. Good luck and please keep asking me a questions, I will be delighted to share it with how I raised my four children.

A.

I really believe that being a good mom is the hardest job there is. You are doing great to reach out for help - I think the key is to find her currency. What matters to her? Computer time? Play dates? Birthday party invites? If her behavior is unacceptable in your home, she loses what she values. Clothes, toys, tv... If she does not seem to have anything she really seems to mind not having I like to have my daughter write 5-10 times "I will be conciderate, or kind, thoughtful, whatever behavior I am looking for from her. Then on the back write 5 examples of how she can be conciderate to her siblings. I als like to have the instigator of the fight, stand facing the other sibling, and have them say 5 things that they like about their sister. If none f these work, I pick an unpleasant chore, picking up 5 pieces of dog poop, scrubbing the bathtub, taking out all the trash from the house, and let them do that. The key is to stay calm. If you engage in rage, they win. They have the power. You also need to be sure that they acknowledge what you are saying - I have my daughters say "yes mom" in a respectful manner, so that there can later be no "I dodnt understand or "know". Standing in the corner is a good calm down tool, a little embarrassing when they get bigger, but also remind them who is boss. Say the words that this is your home, and your home will not be filled with unkind words. When he/she grow up their home can be filled however they like, but here we love one another, and treat one another with kindness. Bringing in a family meeting is great too, because then the time is set aside to address your and their challenges. When your husband says something like "I love my wife, your mother, very much. No one can treat her badly, and that be ok with me. You need to be kind, respectful to your mother, my wife." it is a very powerful tol. Practice what you preach, and when you lose your cool, calm down, say your sorry,tell your daughter why you like her, love her... Perhaps a date with each child - their pick, a movie, lunch, manicure, hitting the ball in the park, sometimes little people just want our attention and dont know how to say that.

Oh my god. I can so relate. I only have two, both girls, at 6 1/2 and 10 1/2. We try to make light of the tween thing. "Are you feeling tweenish today?" And let her be tweenish without being mean to any of us. Ain't easy. I'd suggest (forced if necessary) special dates with at the very least the older two (separately of course). As soon as possible. Whatever they like to do. My oldest would be "I want to go to the mall!" Oy vey. So, I set a limit on Claire's or wherever she wants to go and she, even if she shows attitude during it, I can tell she really appreciates the alone time. That may be hard with your husbands schedule but it works really well in our house. And while at home I TRY to keep my calm, separate them as much as possible (feels like all the time), and I try to find ways to have fun because as you say, there are periods where it is just not fun. PLAY DATES if and whenever possible. Separation we've found is one of the great keys but not always possible with mostly mommy taking care of them. Sleepovers help too. Remember the tween is pulling away, needs to go through this, and would rather be with friends at this stage than us/family. She'll be okay. Make sure you are okay too. Now is really the time I'm trying to find ways to take care of me so I'm in better shape for them. All my best! G. H

Hey Jinny,

Time out, Time out, Time out!!! Make a time out corner and whenever they act up, put them in time out and don't let them come out till they apologize for their behavior! Kids are getting away with too much these days and it's because there are no rules that are enforced at home and they come out and think they can do the same thing outside! With you as the Mom you have to keep in mind that you are getting these kids ready for a very unforgiving world out there, and their behavior is not going to be acceptable when they get ready to go out there without you! So having them follow "your" rules are important cause that is what this world is made of! And you are the one that needs to teach them that! Who's in charge here, you or them!! But most importantly, prepairing them to be good citizens and helping them understand that name calling, yelling and back talking is not acceptable with you! I have two kids, age 17 and age 16 and also work with elementary students all day long, my kids know there is a fine line when talking to me and talking to their friends, cause when they come through the door they are still the kids and I am still the Mom and respect is earned and learned in our household!! Good Luck!!

Your problems are classic sibling rivalry. This may sound funny, but it would be really beneficial for you to watch some episodes of "SuperNanny." Jo deals with that all the time and will show you how to gain respect from your kids and punish them correctly for not obeying. You should check out her book as well. Worth a try!

Hi. Being a Mom is much more complex than anyone could ever imagine. I've raised 5 children. They are all grown now, but I remember well the days of feeling overwhelmed.

Anyway, here's some advice from an old mom:

Sounds like your oldest is feeling insecure. You might want to try expressing extra love and appreciation to her. Praise her when she is right and compliment her when she does not argue, listens and does not insist on having the last word. Validate her opinions. Help her to feel her value to you as a daughter of great worth.
Middle son, probably feeling the same things. Find one thing he's wonderful at. Praise Praise Praise. Make it a point to have individual time with each of the older children. One on one. Make a point of telling each how much you love them and what they are good at.
Also, make it a point to tell each how important it is that they love their brother or sister
and how much you love them.

Cut some things out of your schedule so that you have more time to focus on these issues.
Have faith. It will get better as they feel their value and worth and importance in the family.

I'll bet the 2 yr old is sooo cute and gets tons of attention because he or she is adorable.

It happens to the best of families...so join the ranks and take fresh courage. You can do this. If you don't insist on harmony in your home, who will?

Contention is like a snake. Get it out as soon as you see it.

If you get a chance to read, try "How to Talk so kids will listen" and "Siblings Without Rivalry" by, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. These books are great! I would imagine that your local library would have these books.

Sounds very familiar...I have three myself with the oldest being a 12 year old girl that is very hormonal, a 10 year old boy who loves to see her get into trouble and a 5 year old boy who is very easy going. It's possible that your daughter is feeling neglected and any attention, even negative, is something. My advice would be to enlist your daughter's (and older son's) help. Rewarding them for their assistance (this can be a simple as a hug and a big thank you) will give them added incentive. Also, try to tell the older ones about all the cute things they did when they were little...it's hard to compete with an adorable two year old. With three it is difficult to find one on one time for each but it is important that they all have some individual attention.

Hi J.
I Had the same problem with my 15 year old son...so to solve the issue I always let him have his say..his "opinions" are important...but if it got to the point where he wouldn't let up...when I would say "end of discusion" he knew that would be the end of it...when that didn't work anymore...I told him if he talked back/argued with me without cause..he would be grounded..that has solved it so far...but one thing i always believed is everyone has a right to express themselves...but teach them to do it with out the name calling, argueing....if they can't do it ...then they don't get to spend time together..make sure they are seperated..ie if you can't say anything nice..you don't get to say anything at all..the other thing was if my son started saying not so nice things..I would make him tell me 5 nice things...and we would sit there until he did...

D.

Hi J.,

My 7 year old has attitudinal tendencies too. My husband and I make it clear that bad behaviour is not accptable. When she back talks or gives us any attitude we start with a warning and then move to removal of privlidges. First there's no TV for a day. Then no TV for another day. Time outs help with her as well.

Are you home-schooling or are your children in public school? Some schools are now including character development in thier curriculum but usually teaching children to be good people is very low on the list at public schools. How much television do you allow your children to watch? TV is filled with examples of bratty back-talking "cool" teens. My husband and I recently removed the television from the house and our lives. There's just too much bad stuff on it. What kind of books or magazines does your daughter read? A lot of teen magazines are filled with bad advice and inappropriate material. How much time does she spend on the computer? What is she looking at? What are her friends like?

I really feel you need to take control of the situation in your home. Make sure your husband agrees with you and will back you up every time. Make a list of bad and good behaviour and next to it the benifit for the child for good behaviour, and the punishment for bad behaviour. Make sure your 8 year old knows that snickering when his sister gets in trouble will get him in trouble too.

Good luck and be strong! It's only going to get worse with your daugter unless you put a stop to her behaviour NOW.

H.

Oh, you poor thing!! I don't even know what to say except that you need a break!! It sounds like a lot of people have given some really great advise! Your in my prayers!!

It does sound like a tough situation. My first thought is if there might be some parenting classes where you live (usually offered free by the local county) where you might get some support and some tools to help you and your kids. When I was little, I was the oldest and my two little brothers and I fought a lot and it was stressful as a kid. It sounds like your daughter might need some alone time with you to be able to voice whatever is really frustrating her. There might be counselors available at school. There are always people at school who are on your team, so look for someone there who might be able to help. With things like this, the solution comes in little bites, so whatever you can do to create a little more peace is a victory. It doesn't seem to me like "punishing" will work here, but more listening to them, especially your daughter. Acting out like that means there's stuff she needs to say.

Boundaries are huge and separating them until you have some tools might help. Creating a list of boundaries about what is not okay: name calling, hitting, etc. as a family would be a constructive thing to do.

Most importantly also is for YOU to take care of yourself and be able to get into the joy of motherhood, so whatever it is that makes you feel healthy and connected, do those things! Going for walks, having coffee with girlfriends, maybe a special dinner just with your husband, no talking about kids? You didn't mention him. That might be part of the dynamic in the house, hard to say. But good for you for asking for help. Blessings on you and your family. Keep breathing! More hugs!

Try the center for nonviolent parenting. They are on the web and they have tremendous philosophies about parenting. They have classes on saturday's in echo park ( i think). My children are 14 and 10 and it is helpful for me in regards to them and even to help me understand myself and my relationships with my parents.

your 10 year old sounds like me, my mom uses the take what matters to her most method my dad got me a laptop. i was obsesed- i think i spelled that right but any way i started back-talking my mom and she took it away i had to earn it back by doing chores and little thyings around the house like picking up my brothers toys. im 13 so if you don't take my advice i understand no one wants to be told how to parent 3 children by a 13 year old. And as far as the fighting goes that's goiung to continue me and my nine year old sister fight constantly but that's because we're both girls. Good luck my mom is just like you too

I feel your pain. My 5 year old was running our house awhile ago. We were so unhappy about how our family had turned into such a toxic environment. My husband and I went to the book store and together found a book we both agreed on. We had settled on, "123 Magic". Oh My gosh we had a total switch around in attitude almost immediately. It takes a lot of patience. But, we swear by it now. They may have a book on tape if you don't have time to read it.

We didn't even realize how much our 7 year old son was testing us constantly (since everything he did was overshadowed with his sister being so explosive). When we started with the books advice, we noticed it did wonders with both of them.

I will never forget the time I saw her actually catch her self getting ready to start hollering at me. She Stomped her foot and yelled Mom I... then she stopped and and took a deep breath and asked me to hug her. We both stood in the parking lot clapping and hugging. She had began to be aware of her behavior and what the consequence would be for her own actions. It may be a little different with your daughter being 10. But it is aimed at 2-12 year olds. There still is hope.

Good Luck. It is so worth it to see that peaceful side of your child again.

Dose your family go to church. My advice is for you to take your chlidren to church and get them in Sunday school and a church that has a childrens church. Jesus loves you and your children. You'll be surprise how much a difference it'll make in your life.

Set rules and standards that are clear to your children and your husband (he needs to participate in the discipline too). Then, have consequences set up too, otherwise, your requests will be pointless.
Be consistent every second of the day. Yes, you'll be a witch, but in the long run, you will have a happy family life. And your children will respect you, which means they love you.
You are the parent, you decide. Always.

Prepare yourself and your husband with a plan, then get to work.

good luck

Hi J.!
I went to a parenting seminar called "Don't feed the Dragon!" and it was really fantastic. Sandy, the lady who spoke, was amazing and could be your saviour! She's written a book and it comes with a CD. Anyway check out her website www.parentingSOS.com . I know this will help you.

Christina
mother of 4.
ages (19, 16, 3, 3)

Hi! I know that this must be very hard and trying on you and your family. When I went through a situation close to yours and I thought that I would never see peace again, I took a mini day vacation while the children where in school and got a massage, did nails and regrouped then I joined a parenting class separating the children on the night of the class with family members and or neighbors and found that the class really help answer many of my questions and helped me focus on how to deal with each childes troubles, mostly in my case they wanted a special day with just me for a few hours one on one and I would tell then to write on a paper the questions they had and if it was not life threating to save it for our time together, it worked and they even cut way down on fighting with each other. God bless.

Hello J.,
First Please take this moment and inhale thru your nose and blow out deeply thru your mouth. Breathing is more that what helps us live it is also a free exercise to use at any time especially when there is stress. I do not know if you are a spirtual person. I do not mean religious, I mean spirtual. Your children are wired differently than you. They have come into this realm with a complete set of new dna. The name for these children is Indigo. You can find out about Indio children by going to www.Kyron.com. There many books that have been written about indigo children. It is important to open your mind to the possiblity that your children require not the old ways of raising children...They are smart, aware and are rebelling because they know they are different and they already can see that they are not understood and that they are being forced to comply to a way that may be familiar or seem right to you,but because they are indigo it is not for them. Do a little research. Also check diet. If your children are eating too much sugar, non-organic, food this will only enhance their mood swings. What are they watching...These kids need postive viewing... I wish you well, your children are not your enemy. You are not theirs. You are here to assist them in realizing their potiental as our future...Remember to breathe and Only Love Prevails.
May peace enter your home, M.

Hi J.~
I wish I had some great advice. Unfortunately I am going through the same problem. With my 13, 7 and 17 mo old. My day is always great until 3:30 when I have all three together. I always tell my husband it is a yelling fest in my house until he gets home. Anyways, your not alone. I have them seperated as much as possible. Homework at different tables in the house. Someone told me once that her kids agrued so much she wouldn't let the kids be in the same room as each other. Eventually they understood not to argue with eachother. But something tells me alot of kids are like this. Good luck.

Hi my name is M. I live in Santa Ana.I am Hispanic and have 5 children and I too am married.It has been a roller coaster for me. I Have a 15 year old son who has been giving me problems also and I found a center called the providence in Costa Mesa a counselor/therapist will come to your home and do one on one counseling with them. That has really helped him which helps the whole family have peace and happiness in the home i also have my children in after school sports they all play Football, soccer, basketball and Baseball/fast pitch for girls. They love it so much plus I get to interact with the mothers. I hope that has help because it sure helps me and my family

Hi J., I am a 55 year old mom of three adult daughters and grandmother of six (5 boys and one girl). My oldest daughter has done something that I wish I had done when my girls were growing up. She and her husband decided on the types of behaviors and attitudes they wanted to cultivate in their two kids (their six year old daughter sounds alot like your ten year old!)plus what household work was required of each them (according to their age). Then she made a chart of household rules with rewards and consequences, plus a household chart of what is required from each child (including cleaning their room, brushing their teeth and going to bed on time, etc.) They go over the charts/rules with their children regularly (which keeps ALL of them on track!) Plus they found with my granddaughter, that she loves to earn quarters... for a good attitude, saying nice words, not talking back, treating her 3 year old brother with respect, etc. The reverse is true also, anytime she indulges in any of the above, etc,. she is charged a quarter! And if she talks back, balks, refuses, slams her bedroom door, has a tantrum, etc., more quarters are charged! She earns them back by following the established rules, chart and her good behavior, attitude, using nice words, etc. They purposely catch her doing well and reward her immediately (not always with the quarter... though, praising her goes a long way as well... after so many praises the quarter can be the icing on the cake for her!) By them staying consistent with this, only telling her three times instead of ten times and with each time getting more frazzeled and losing their tempers and yelling... this has really helped their household peace and building better relationships within the family. My granddaughter is very stubborn so this has been a real effort for my daughter... when she stays consistent everyone reaps the rewards, when she doesn't (and who doesn't have a bad day?) then she has learned not to beat herself up, but to move on and try again.
With your children... since they are older, you might also enlist their help in deciding appropriate rewards and consequences, plus since the two oldest are close in age they could also be required to help the other to do better, if they are in a fight, then no matter who is at fault (unless of course, one child is definitely the total at fault) they both will suffer the consequences.

Remember, YOU ARE THE MOM! They are children and since you are the adult YOU know what is best for them. Period. They can express their feelings in appropriate ways, they can disagree BUT they must follow the house rules. They can give suggestions and ideas and you are free to try them if YOU decide they are worthy of giving a try. And you know, that as time proves your rules/rewards/consequences you will have to make adjustments/tweak where necessary for the individual child and for the family as a whole.

Start first, with what you and your husband want in a peaceful, loving household then set your requirements, rules, charts, rewards/consequences around that. Your home is where your children learn how to deal with authority, respecting other people and their differences, respecting and following rules/standards, how to be a good neighbor/good citizen... and how to feel good about themselves in those areas of life. Right now they are not happy children... their behavior is begging their parents to set some rules, boundaries, to teach them how to live, behave... etc. And you can do this... I have seen this work... My daughter's household is much happier and peaceful... the children are secure within themselves and even when they do fight (and they will of course)they back down much quicker when mom/dad insist they follow the rules, they apologize quicker and they enjoy playing with each other more.

Hope this helps and it is a lot of work! But worth it!

B. Y

This may sound corny but I have 4 children ages 5-13 and this has worked for us. I no longer referee my kids and usually all I have to say now is THAT'S ONE

Check out Dr. Thomas Phelan's, 123 Magic Video
Go to

http://www.parentmagic.com/

With 1-2-3 Magic you will learn:
How to get your kids to STOP doing what you don't want them to do (arguing, whining, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.)
How to encourage your kids to START doing what you want them to do (cleaning rooms, going to bed, homework, etc.)
How to avoid the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome
How to handle misbehavior in public.
How to deal with the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation.
Ten steps for building self-esteem.
Dr. Thomas Phelan, a clinical psychologist, developed a program for his own children when they were young and in the thralls of hyperactivity and sibling rivalry. there is a two-hour video that features his explanation of the program it shows dramatic scenarios and parent testimonials. The corny vignettes and repetitive testimonials are somewhat extraneous, but the nut of the information is invaluable. Phelan urges parents to get away from explaining everything to kids, who aren't listening to you anyway, he says, but he's not a spanking advocate either. His approach is rational and simple: counting and then time-out. You've done that, you say? Well, watch the tape and see what you're doing wrong. His method has been honed by parents and teachers who have come back to him with refinements. These include ways to encourage kids to start good behaviors once the bad behaviors are under control. Phelan is personable and dryly funny (think parents as wild-animal trainers), and the absence of a hard- sell tone makes watching this production a pleasant experience.

Take a deep breath mama, you do have a houseful. I found my answers with The Love and Logic Foundation. Check them out online. They reminded me to find my own "happy" in being a parent, then taking the responsibility to be a parent that says what she means then does what she says she's going to do. Good Luck!

When my children were at that age Girl 10, boy 9, things were much the same as your house. I found that doing something special with each one, going out to dinner alone, helped with communication. They had to sit there waiting for the food, I tried to make it fun,
With my daughter, I never STOPPED talking with her, when she would give me attitude, I would put on a rabbit puppet, and let the bunny do the talking, I told her, that when she talked to her mother like that, it made her very sad, she felt less threatened talking to me thru the puppet. Our Friendship grew stonger and stonger, the trick is to find something good about them and focus on that.
Try and get your husband to do something with your son, something that requires physical actiivity.. Best of Luck to you!

Hi J.,
Lets see where do i start, Do you and your family attend Church, It is a great time to start there is Childrens Church where they can each be put in there own groups so they can be not competeing so much. Here is what I am hearing, Your daughter is out of control .You should sit down with your husband and make a dicispline chart and a consqence jar .

1)Pray for healthy decisions. If you chart there behaviors you will see there is a pattern to the mischief there throwing your way.
2)After you and your husband sit and discuss the benifits of consistant discipline let your husband head of household be the tough guy , the lord has made him that way on purpose so let him follow thru with the consquences that the children make up.
3) J. this is the best part get a cookie jar or fish bowl something that the kids can fit there hands in get son 3by5 cards quarter them and let the kids sit down with you and make up disciplines. example(mop the bathroom floor)(no tv for 3 hours)(time out for twenty min)here is the best part. let the children make out the diciplines you put a couple in . watch them they will think that the worst ones are for there siblings till you tell them to reach in the jar and they pull out there own discpline. You see I dont have to do this too much anymore because it helps get them in line also take a parenting class that is where i learned this .God Bless L.

Hi J.,

Buy the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's wonderful.

Take care,

T.
Mom of 2.

Sounds like a handful! I think it would be greta if your other kids had a picture schedule that laid out a very structured afternoon once they are home for school with rewards for completed tasks and consequenses for misbehavior or uncompleted tasks. It would be good if their schedules kept them at opposite ends of the house also as they seem to have a propensity for antagonizing each other. If you have questions on how to set this up, go ahead and message me!

To me, it kinda sounds like they are looking for attention. I would have a quiet sit down with each one seperately and ask them about certain behaviors they already know is inappropriate. I would tell them how it makes you feel and the rest of the family when he/she acts that way, and why they would want to hurt family members. Do they see YOU or DADDY acting in such a manner? Where/Why would they think that is ok in this house? (things to ask) Make them think about what they are doing. And when they seem apologetic or sad, tell them how you know they are great kids, and you are having a hard time showing that huge love for them since they are always getting in trouble. Hug them and let them know that you too make mistakes, and you know how crazy things can get around the house, but that you are going to work EXTRA hard to be a better Mommy and if they would work EXTRA hard at being a nice member of your family. Explain how families are like little city's and if they were in the real world it wouldn't be ok to act this way, and it is not ok in your family either. Then get real loving and real strict. Try to catch the fights immediately and quietly walk over and put your hand on the "problem child's" shoulder and give them a little wink and a "let's go over here" or "how could we be a better member of this city?". And if all that doesn't work, I would start taking things out of her/his room, one by one with bad behavior, on a minute by minute basis if need be, so they see you really are FED UP and that if they continue, they will be left with a bed and some clothes (not the favorites, the plain stuff). GOOD LUCK and let us know how it works out.

It sounds as though your kids are seeking attention. Try to focus on what they are doing right and be sure to praise even the smallest things. The book Boundaries by Dr. Townsend may help you with discipline and setting limits. Try to get them involved with helping/volunteering in the community to take the focus off of themselves. Also, if they are good at something direct them into that area of interest whether it be sports or music it will help occupy their time. Good Luck...I had 5 and survived...however, I now have great referee skills!

Hi J.,

Sounds like you're having a rough time. First of all, realize that your daughter is actually probably in the earliest stage of puberty (average age of onset in girls is 9 in this country). Even though you won't see menses for a few more years, it starts with major hormonal fluctuation. Think of PMS all the time and you'll get the idea.

Beware of taking your son's word all the time that your daughter is hassling him. It's hard to do if all you see is the end result of your daughter doing something to the smaller child, but it took us a long time to realize that our very competitive, but apparantly sweet, innocent little girl, was antagonizing the h-ll out of her older brother on many occasions. Ever see the Malcom in the Middle episode where Reese (I think about 13 at the time) and Malcom are sitting on the couch and Dewey (about 7) wants to horn in? Dewey stands there and hits himself in the chest several times while yelling "Ow! Stop! Reese, you're hurting me!) Just as Reese grabs him while saying "Stop! What are you doing? You're going to get me into trouble," the mom walks in and thinks she sees the teenager beating up on the little kid!

Anyway, I wish I had life-changing advice, but I wasn't able to solve the sibling rivalry until my son moved away to college this year. However, I did get a lot of help from two books: "How to talk to you kids so your kids will listen, and how to listen so your kids will talk" and "Siblings without rivalry."

As far as the talking back is concerned, I know it seems old fashioned, but I eventually had to take the stance of "I'm the mom, you're the kid. You're still learning, as am I, but I have a lot more years of education and experience behind me. You can think whatever you want to and I'm happy to discuss it with you (not argue) but my final say will go, no matter what."

Also, you might try instituting a "nasty jar." Every time your daughter talks back and every time your son tattles on your daughter (and there's no clear evidence that she's actually done something wrong), they have to put a dime or quarter of their allowance into the jar. An alternative to this is they have to pull a particularly disliked chore out of the jar (like scrubbing the toilet or changing the baby's diaper). Although they'll grumble, they'll soon learn that their inappropriate behavior will result in unpleasantness for them.

Good luck -- I hate to tell you, but it only gets harder from here! Tweens and teens are definitely tougher than toddlers. You can't pick them up and put them in time out, they're a lot more verbal, and most of them can be highly manipulative.

BTW, one more thing just came to my mind. Monitor what your kids are watching on TV. I used to think that anything on Nickolodean and the Disney Channel had to be safe and wholesome. Then I realized that my daughter, especially, was emulating the behaviors she saw the kids doing on these shows. Most of them portrayed the kids as smart and streetwise, and the adults as morons. Kids talked back to parents without repercussions. We pointed out to our daughter that this was not the way things work in real life, and told her that if the behavior didn't stop we would cut off her access to these shows. We also pointed out that she often missed the message that ultimately, the kids DID turn to their parents for help in the end. This actually helped quite a bit.

Good luck -- you're going to need it. And stay calm. Do whatever you need to to give yourself a break from the war at home once in a while.

R.

I have a 13 year old girl and 10 year old boy and we go through the same thing.You should try giving your daughter time alone..that helps for a while..

Call the Supper Nanny!

When my kids decide to act in a similar way to what you've mentioned, I point them at the extra chore list. The first step in bad behavior at our house is to get an extra chore. If they persist in their bad behavior the get something taken away. If it continues from there, it's grounding. It's important to have a consistant plan in place that is posted somewhere. That way the kids see it and you can simply point at it. Then it becomes less of a power struggle because it's pre-done. Mouthiness is part of the territory, but it's important to remember not to take it personally. It's just what kids do. The parents' reaction is what makes the difference.

i find that banning all electronics helps a lot. have them earn them back in small doses.

Hi,
I was a teacher before I was a mom to both ages, 10 and 8. I think the best thing is the same idea that the Super-nanny promotes- total consistency. You & your husband choose a method and then carry it out without fail, even if it means coming home from a store or fun event to be consistent. Say you choose time-outs or room-time whenever your daughter throws attitude. So, then you have to send her to her room each and every time. You don't even need to yell or scream (though tempting!)- you just say, "That is impolite, please go to your room now." And if she won't go, you pick her up and put her in there. You can buy a lock for the door if you need it. She is definitely old enough to know when she is acting improperly, so you don't need to waste your time and energy lecturing her or anything. And without the big show, your son will not have too much to be amused by (though I think siblings always like to antagonize). Consistency is rough at first but the kids learn and quickly realize that this is no fun and also isn't getting the reaction that they want from you.
Good luck!

Boy that tough. The books that really helped me are the "Boundaries" books by Drs Cloud and Townsend. I'm sure they are at Barnes and Noble or you could order on Amazon. They will really help you to set some healthy limits and get back in control. Once everyone knows what is acceptable and what is not, and what the consequences are, you will again have a happy house.
Best of luck!
M.

I only have one girl who is 8 and I am having attitude issues. I talked with moms at my school with older children and they all say stay tough. Don't let her get away with the attitude. I know with 3 kids it is hard, but my daughter has become alot better. She still gets an attitude, but there are consequences (losing tv priviledges, stays in her room) that kind of thing. They still need to know you are boss. I hope this helps.

HI, JInny! Been there!!

Some thoughts: Leave your kids and take care of you once in a while.

Spend individual, alone time with each of your kids. Appreciate each of them. Make sure they know when they will have to all to themselves, even if it's just for 10 uninterrupted minutes each day. Allow yourself to see the wonder in each one.

Read the book: How to talk to children will listen and listen so children will talk by Maizlish and Faber. You may need the teen one soon, too!! It's great.