Difference in Parenting Styles.

I just tell my kids that I am their mommy, not the other kids mom and she makes up the rules for her kid and I make up the rules for my kids.

When we were in a situation like that, I simply told my daughter, "Other parents have different rules for their kids than I have for you. You have to follow MY rules, even if no one else does."

No. But it is easy enough to keep your daughter from getting confused. You simply tell her, "I'm your mommy and these are MY rules. His/her mommy has rules for them. I am not his/her mommy, so the rules he/she is expected to follow may be different from yours. You follow what I say and you'll be fine."

Or something along those lines. Kids understand that they belong to you and follow your rules. And other people have other rules for them. They can get the concept--it isn't that difficult. They may not think it is fair, but they understand the concept.

Learn the phrase "In our family, we..." - those can be the magic words that get you out of a lot of those sticky situations. It emphasizes what YOU do, not what you DON'T do and certainly not what OTHERs do or don't do, which is none of your business or hers (within reason). Kids get this - my step-daughter has grown up in two different homes and understand the different rules, so kids will understand this with extended family, friends, acquaintances, etc. For example we would say "in our family" (or "in our house," for my SD) "we use kind words," "we eat wheat bread," "we eat in the kitchen," "we go to Mass on Sunday," "we say please and thank you and excuse me," "we take turns," "we let the youngest child go first," "we only have soda at parties," "we wear helmets when we bike" etc. You don't have to be loud and sanctimonious about it either just a simple, low-key statement should do the trick.

And no, talking to the other child's mother is never appropriate unless the child is hurting him/herself or others or is doing something that is truly dangerous.

Ditto to Victoria W, even at 3 years old kids "get" a lot more than you think they do. There are always different sets of rules for kids, between grandma's house, daycare, auntie's house, friends' houses', school, church, etc. They learn very early on what's expected and how to behave in different places and situations.
I used to work at an elementary school and I've seen kids talk to and behave with their own parents in a manner their teacher would NEVER put up with, if that's a good example :)

I run into this is public (park, play areas, etc) A LOT! One thing I don't do is take my DD elsewhere to correct her behavior. Usually it's just a reminder "We don't climb up the slide, we go down it. If you don't want to follow the rules, we can go home". She is 5, so she "gets" it. I like to prove a point & make sure that the kids that are chronically misbehaving & their parents are within earshot. If they are embarrassed, then maybe they should've watched their kids.

no, i wouldn't have said anything to the little boy or the mother, unless you caught both kids misbehaving and gave a general, "hey guys do we act like that??" warning. expectations are still there no matter who we are playing with. but when it comes to real discipline that's on the mom. and your three year old can probably understand (and this is about the same time i had the same talk with mine), "i'm not that little boy's mommy, so i don't know what their rules are. OUR rules are x, y, z." stay consistent and firm and she will get it. that's a big part of growing up - learning to do the right thing despite what others are doing. it's our job to push through these moments with our rules and expectations for our kids intact. just wait till she's older and out playing with the neighbor kids, that's when peer pressure really starts to rear it's ugly head. not to mention school!

(and i am ALL for, like someone said, correcting your own child in front of the misbehaving ones - it definitely makes a point. you never know, it may lend a mother the words/tools she needs to handle the situation herself, next time.)

I essentially agree w/most of the other posters on this one, but just to add:
we are having this situation at family events a lot. Of course the adults want to catch up with each other and let the kids do their own thing, but it usually devolves into the kids acting up and out because they are left to their own devices/are bored/you have different aged kids involved, etc. then you've got different sets of parents (who are also aunts and uncles that they also need to learn to respect) jumping in with different styles of working through a situation and it gets chaotic. What I'm finding that works is that sometimes I can't just sit with my wine and enjoy all the adult conversation, I need to help the kids by bringing activities, coming up with things to re-direct if they are playing in a way that is not working, etc. Just because my in-laws are cool with their kids running amok, I know that they can learn from each other and enjoy playing together more if they had more coaching and guidance from adults during play. I also try to state the behavior I want to see, such as, "use your walking feet in the house, please" instead of "NO RUNNING." or whatever.
Also, I go back and forth about disciplining my kid in front of others. It depends on what's going on. If its as simple as "we slide down slides" while at the playground that's one thing, but if its something that needs more firmness/more serious, I am in favor of pulling a child aside. I have much greater success from briefly removing my child from situation, getting down on his level, whispering to him (which is always an attention getter, way more than yelling a command), and again, restating the behavior you WANT to see and what the consequences will be if he does not make a good behavior choice, such as: "you need to keep your hands to your own body or you will have to sit on a break away from the other kids. hitting our cousins is not acceptable. remember, hands to your own body" The follow through on my end, especially at family events, is not to just go back and keep socializing w/the adults, but to then remember that I have to keep an eye on the situation, give praise for doing the right thing, redirecting etc.

Under the circumstances, you were both bumping up against unanticipated "alternate" behaviors and rules, and I think you did just fine.

Something that may help clarify your position is to talk to your daughter sometimes when this challenge isn't being rubbed in her face. Tell her that your rules stick, no matter who she's playing with, because your rules will help keep her safe, polite, and liked by others. After a discussion or two (brief, since she's only 3), give her a chance to tell you what are good rules for X, Y, or Z situation. You may be surprised and please at how well she actually understands the point of the rules. She may also be able to tell you what the consequences should be for breaking those rules.

I think you handled it well. Just let your daughter know that she is to follow her own mommies rules....
ADDED: It's the beginning of ALL the confusing things we deal with in adult life. Like why do some people talk on cell phones while driving when it's against the law?
Allowing her to be a bit confused is okay, making her follow your rules regardless is where she will learn self control down the road.

Different families have different rules, even very young children can understand that. I would not have taken my child aside, though, I would have disciplined where/when the infraction occurred, for an immediate response and also so the other child can at least know that your child does have rules to abide by.

You're going to find yourself in this situation SO many times.
I think you did the right thing by taking her aside an re-explaining your rules.
You can just say "Remember--Our rules are xyz" or "We don't abc..."
I don't think she'll find that confusing at all.
You can add "Jimmy's mom makes the rules for Jimmy's house..." etc.
The only time I correct another child is when that child is in my house, then I expect them to follow our rules--usually with the other parents' blessing!

Her understanding is going to come with time. Don't say anything to the other parent and definitely NOT to the little boy unless he disrespects you. I do think that you should make it a point to let your daughter know when she acts inappropriately right in front of the other parent and/or child.

I have a three year old son and we developed our house rules together. I typed them out on the computer while we brainstormed. We tried to make them very short and simple. They all have positive statements (what we should be doing rather than what we should not be doing, such as Keep hands and feet to self). We grouped them into five categories (behavior, talking, playing, eating, and routine). I consolidated a few rules, and then printed them out for the fridge. My son has memorized most of them and will reference them. He understands that these rules are only for our family.

We are dealing with something similar with our 3-year-old daughter and a girl at her daycare. We explain to our daughter that "Sarah" may say "X" but we do not talk like that in our house because it is hurtful/disrespectful/a bad word/etc. We don't discipline her per se, just reinforce what is okay in someone else's house may not be in ours and continue to praise our daughter when she uses language/behaviors we want to see.

Good luck!

You're going to encounter differing parenting styles from here on out, and how you handled the situation was perfect. Your daughter will grow to learn that mom is consistent, and have an easier time adjusting to the world she lives in.

Definitely don't say anything. What you think is important may not be important to her. As far as your child, you did the right thing. Just explain that there are different rules in different familes. Just the way it is, no really good answer.

Don't worry about the confusion! She'll get it. (she may be playing you a bit by acting confused). The most important lesson in life is that people are not the same and she only has to worry about herself. My husband and I are the only disciplinarians in our peer group of close friends. We were all friends long before we had kids. They all do the positive parenting thing, so we're sometimes left to discipline our kids when all the other kids are getting away with stuff. When any of ours asks us why "so and so" gets to do it, we just say, "Because he's allowed to talk about poop at the table, but you only have to worry about yourself" etc. We even say it in front of the parents! Don't say anything to the other people, they only have to worry about themselves, not discipline your way.

I would address your daughter's behavior as you did, in private. Adding embarrassment to threatening punishment is unnecessary and cruel. You should not say anything to the little boy. You probably should not say anything to the mother (your sister?) if she seems comfortable with her parenting style.

I do positive discipline so no punishments, threats, time outs or 'good jobs'. I would be appalled if another person tried to put my son in time out. I also look at people using punitive discipline and simply keep my mouth shut (in real life, not here where someone asked for an opinion LOL) - how someone else raises their child is not my business.

And yes it drives me NUTS that my sister's kids are disrespectful and disobedient. And it absolutely 'rubs off' on my 5 year old son. There are a good 4-5 days of 'damage control' every time we visit them. BTW - her discipline system was the mainstream punitive one - time outs (when they were younger) and now consequences, punishment and praise (for 'good' behavior).

Instead of saying "mommy doesn't like that type of behavior" maybe you can say "I don't like that type of behavior from you". If you don't want to confuse her, keep it short and simple.

I have two takes on this. One is how I do my son. In a lot of ways I am strict and in others I am more lax. When it comes to attitude and behavior I am more strict. I explain to my son that I am his parent and I tell him what to do and that the other child's parents get to make to tell them what to do. If the other parent is around, I try not to make a huge deal out of it as they may not see what their child is doing as wrong. Which brings me to my other take. A few weeks ago we went out to eat with friends to a noisy/busy restaurant. We let my son take a few toys in to play with before the meal arrived and when he was done, but not while he was eating. He has been is school all day and I knew that the meal was going to take some time and I felt that he deserved some time to play as it was going to be close to bed time when we got home. We were at a long table with our backs at the window, so no one behind us for him to disturb. When he was done he got down and played in the floor between the table and the window (out of the way of the server) or would come over and talk to his father who was at the other end of the table (also window side). As we were leaving my friend told my son that he should realize that he was a very "lucky" boy as her daughter had a much more strict mother. I felt that was totally out of line. My son was not being loud. He was not running around, etc... and if she had a problem with his behavior she should address it with me or my husband, not with my 5 y/o. Personally I had no issues with his behavior, but her daughter did sit in her chair the entire time and had no toys, so I am sorry if she felt we negatively influenced her daughter. So sometimes how you address an issue can also be a problem.

.

What I would suggest is before you know she will be hanging around other kids who may be misbehaving, remind her that "regardless of how other kids might be misbehaving XXX's (your last name) do not misbehave".

It has worked for my kids. If she does misbehave. Quickly pull her away and remind her that it will not be excepted. She will quickly learn.

Good luck