I feel so lost. My relationship with my sister is finally reaching a head. I have felt the tension between us, ever since my daughter was born... but everyone kept reassuring me that it was nothing.
We went to the beach last week and stayed at a beach house for the whole week. I had invited my sister to come stay with us if she wanted to. She couldn't make it down for the whole week, but agreed to come later in the week for a few days, and also allowed me to take my 6 year old niece with me awhile. She would come later with my 8 year old nephew.
The time with my niece went well other than one accident. My niece and my 2 year old daughter were running around the house and the next thing you know my daughter is screaming holding her fingers which were obviously slammed in a door. To which my niece says she did not slam my daughter's fingers in the door. I listened to her side of the story, but I am also hearing my daughter say that Emily slammed her fingers in the door as well. So I kept asking my niece for the truth and she continued to lie.
I finally told her she needed to tell me the truth, only b/c if my daughters fingers were really hurt and I needed to take her to the Doctor at all, that I would need to tell them what happened. Not that "nothing happened at all." So she finally said she went to slam the door behind her and get away from my daughter. That she wanted some time by herself, which is understandable. But what she said next disturbed me. She said the door didnt shut and she looked back and saw that the door would not shut b/c my daughters fingers were "where you shut the door" were her words. So that she pushed the door harder until it finally shut.... knowing that my daughters fingers were in there.
Even though I felt as though I might be sick, I kept my composure and thanked my niece for telling me the truth. But explained to her that it is not ok to shut the door on people's fingers. Accidents happen but she went back and deliberately did it again and that's not ok. She cried naturally, but said she just wanted time alone and that she had been playing with my daughter all day and she just wanted to play her game boy by herself and that my daughter wouldn't leave her alone. And I told her I understand that, and that's ok, but that she needs to come and tell me and I will take care of it then. That its not the answer to run around slamming doors on people.
End of that story, other than when my sister came down later in the week I felt the need to bring this up to her. I didn't tell her as soon as she got there, I waited a few hours since we had already sorted it out. But I brought it up to her, since her daughter had cried when I spoke to her about it. And just as a parent myself, I would want to know if my daughter had an accident where another child was hurt. So I told my sister the whole story of what happened and she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. It hurt me, that she didn't apologize for my daughter getting hurt, or ask my daughter if she was ok. There was no remorse or emotion whatsoever. I thought maybe she would re-inforce with my niece what I had said, knowing that she pushed harder on my daughter's fingers after the door wouldn't first shut. But nothing. So I let it go. Chalking up to my sister and I having obviously different parenting styles.
The next day we all went for ice cream after leaving the beach. All of us piled into my SUV. Myself and my daughter's father in the front. And my sister was in the back with the kids. Apparently from what I gather, my sister or one of her children must have taken my daughter out of her car seat and unbuckled it for her. But then my sister got out on the opposite side of the car, getting herself and her kids out, but not my child. Which is fine, but my husband went to open the other door to get my daughter out, thinking that she was still strapped in her car seat (which she is 100% of the time). Our back windows are tinted and my sister never mentioned that she had already unbuckled my daughter so we didn't know at that point and my husband opened the door as he always would. Not knowing that my daughter was pushing on the other side and NOT in her seat. So she flipped out of the car and landed on the pavement below.
To which he says very shocked and upset "what the hell?!?!" He felt terribly that he opened the door and out fell our daughter and upset that she was not in her car seat in the first place. Meanwhile my sister is waiting with her kids on the other side of my car and my daughter is screaming hysterically from her fall. My sister took immediate offense to his tone and goes "SORRRRY!" in a very sarcastic, extremely unapologetic tone right back at him. I was offended by her lack of responsibility for unbuckling my daughter and not seeing to it that she got out of the care safely or bringing it to our attention that she was already out of her seat, but I was distracted by my daughter. I sat her on the ledge of the wall where we parked and looked her over. It was a bad fall and I knew it had to hurt. But it didn't look like anything extremely terrible happened, so I said I was taking her to the rest room to calm her down and wash out her brush burns that had the black macadam in them. My sister had already gone in and ordered her kids icecream. She didn't even wait to see if my daughter was ok.
I chalked this up to her being upset at my husband and his tone, but I didn't think he was mean... he was only reacting to his daughter being hurt. But when I came out of the restroom with my daughter, she and her kids were already finished their icecream. They didn't even wait for us. We ordered ours then and came out and sat with them and my sister sat arms crossed and never spoke a word. Never asked my daughter if she was ok, or said she was sorry or anything. I told myself she must not have known that she fell on the pavement??? Maybe she thinks my husband over reacted to her being out of her car seat already and she must not know that she fell. But the obvious cries from my daughter and her brush burns were a dead give away. Still I tried to think there must be an explanation for my sister's lack of sensitivity.
Then the final incident. My daughter was napping in her room one minute. And the next she was screaming and my nephew was running out of her room with a panicked look on his face. He was not supposed to be in her room. My daughter kept saying through her cries that Zach hurt her. He kept saying that he did not. All he did was go in her room, which still was not allowed during her nap. My sister came in from being outside and said to my daughter, no hunny Zach said he did not hurt you. You are probably just tired from just waking up. I know my daughter's cries. It was a "I'm hurt" cry. Not a "I just got woken up and I'm grouchy" cry. Then my daughter exposed a cut going down the back of her leg. I asked how she got it, and she again said Zach hurt me. To which said no I didn't. This went on for a few minutes and my sister saw the cut on my daughter's leg and everything and was still talking down to my daughter saying, no hunny Zach said he didn't hurt you.
Finally I told Zach that he didn't to tell the truth. That if Ava got hurt and it was an accident, he still needed to tell me what happened. If she got cut on something dirty or metal, it could get infected and I would need to know how it happened. And he started throwing a fit. An 8 year old. Slamming around and back talking me, still lying and saying that he didn't do anything. He has a history of lying. My daughter is 2 and has not learned how to lie yet. And she had a cut, so I believed her. It seemed logical and I didn't feel like I was taking sides.
When my sister still did not get control of the situation or tell her son to stop back talking me, I told him that he would not speak to me like that in my house and again I told him to tell me the truth. To which he started screaming like he was being stabbed or something, and throwing himself into walls. Trying to take the focus off of him getting in trouble, and turn it into guilt on us that he is now upset and throwing a fit. I didn't play into it, my daughter was hurt. But my sister started to coax him and tell him it was ok. No it was not. My daughter was hurt for the 3rd time and no one was taking responsibility which was why it kept happening. They cannot learn from their mistakes and accidents when they are not even told or taught about them. I again told Zach to stop screaming and that he would not act that way and throw himself around and break things in my house. His behavior was indescribable.
It must have struck a nerve with my sister because when I told her son he could not act that way in this house, she responded with "fine then we will leave then." It hurt me so bad. But I said, ok, if that is what you feel you must do, then I think it's a good idea. If my child is getting hurt, and you are not disciplining your child for it, and then I step in b/c MY child was hurt... But I am not allowed to in my own house.... Then you are right, you should leave.
I have not talked to my sister since. I kept thinking she would think about things and call and work it out. She hasn't. And the more I think about things, the upset I am about how nice I was about things, and how hard I tried not to over react to the many things that I have not even gotten into when it came to her children over those few days. I minded my own business when they misbehaved constantly as long as it did not affect my child. But when it came to my daughter being hurt 3 separate times by all of them, I felt I had a right to step in. Otherwise I think I would be a bad parent, not protecting my daughter and keeping her from being hurt.
I love my niece and nephew... which is why I tried to talk to them and explain to them about their accidents with my daughter. That way we can keep it from happening again, and still all be together and have fun with one another. But I don't see how that is supposed to happen when my sister made it perfectly clear that I am not allowed to say anything to her kids about their behavior. I feel lost and unsure of what to do. I don't want to lose my sister, but part of me is just so angry that she allowed these things to happen and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything. I fear that if this truly is her outlook, how am I ever supposed to feel comfortable with my child around her kids when she does not discipline them. Which is her choice as a parent. But if my child is the one getting hurt, I feel I have a right to step in at that time if she is not.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this. I know it was long. But I feel the need to share it all so that people fully understand the whole story. I cannot talk to our family about this, as she came home and told everyone she had a great time??? I don't want to talk bad about my sister to them. I just need some advice. Thank you.
Hey I appreciate the comments that everyone is giving me. It's nice to have feed back from both ends of the spectrum. I feel like I missed a few points here, even though my first post was so long, I was trying to keep it to the points I was trying to make, which were the times that my daughter was hurt. There were many other things that happened through out the week as well (smaller things) where I did try to take the "high road." And be more lenient and understanding. Like the many times I did tell these kids to stay out of the room while my daughter was napping. The door was closed to enforce that as well... however my nephew went in anyway. Also, when my daughter got the door slammed on her fingers, they were playing in the same room as my husband. It just all happened so fast before he could intervene. But I am sorry if I gave off the impression that I was letting these kids run around unsupervised. That is not my parenting style to let my 2 year old run a muck. But I also feel like when my 30 year old sister is around and her older children who should know better and are told specific rules, that I shouldn't have to smother my daughter either in order to ensure that one of them doesn't hurt her.
As you all know as parents, even being in the same room as our children 24/7, it is still impossible to foresee or stop every single accident. Which is why I felt the need as an aunt, to help teach her children what could be done to keep that accident from happening again. I did set the rules of the house, no door slamming, no going in my daughters room when she is napping, no taking her outside with out an adult, no getting her out of her car seat, ect... Trust me, I know how I need to spell everything out to these kids, but what bothers me, is after the fact they STILL did not listen to my rules. And my sister never said a word to them. I should have made myself more clear in my first post but I felt like I wanted to make the most important point about when my child was getting injured.
There were countless smaller incidents that did not directly involve my child, so I did not interfere. I minded my own business and left that up to my sister on how she chose to react to those situations that did not involve my daughter. Those choices 90% of the time were to not react at all and ignore her childrens behavior. I still kept my opinion to myself though, feeling that is her right as a parent, AS LONG AS it is not affecting or hurting my daughter.
His behavior was so bad at the beach, telling my sister he hated her and she was mean and just many other things that I did not get into. at one point a complete stranger was bothered so much by it, she approached us and said "that kid needs a smack in his back talking mouth." Part of me felt offended for my sister. Which is why most times I do try to stay out of it. I do not want to offend her. I love her. But I love my daughter more than anything in this world. And she should love my daughter as well and be concerned when any child, including her own children are hurting her and not learning from it so it doesnt happen again. They are not being told about ANY of their poor behaviors. Let alone when they hurt someone else. So they do not know how to form an apology, or learn from it. They just blow it off... exactly how she did when I finally stepped in and confronted the issue after my daughter was hurt for the 3rd time. and after she left the beach and came home, she lied to our whole family and told everyone that she had a great time. She never once brought up any of the issues that happened. Which I think is odd.
I also feel the need to clear up that I did say it was a long time coming. I've been feeling this coming on for a while now. Watching my sister's reaction or lack there of at numerous family events where her children, mostly my nephew mis behave. She shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes like it's not her problem. When other family members have politely questioned her on this, she just shrugs then too and says "he just doesnt listen." My daughter has been hurt. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I do appreciate it, don't get me wrong. But I will not dismiss and over look my daughter being hurt and them not acknowledging it. It's NOT just a beach thing. It's an all the time thing. And I will take responsibility that I am the one who invited them along. I just never in my wildest dreams thought that these things would happen and ZERO discipline would be instilled by my sister. The part I can't get over is my child being hurt and NONE of them caring or being sorry.
This is where I feel torn as a parent, if I bring my daughter to family events where they will be at. Yes accidents DO happen. I get that. But if my child hurt another child, I would make her genuinely apologize to that child and I would also speak to her about and and figure out a way to ensure that it doesnt happen again. I don't think that that is too extreme for my daughter. Let alone her older cousins. Thanks again for everyone taking the time to read about my issue. Regardless of opinions, like I said before, it's nice to have objective outlooks on the situation.
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L.T.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I'm so sorry you had such a difficult time with you sister and her kids. You had every right to step in to care for your daughter and put a stop to the misbehavior, lies, etc. You are right - accidents do happen and there are different parenting styles, but lessons about right and wrong, being careful, apologizing, etc can be taught from them. And children need to learn that outright harmful actions will not be tolerated. Don't feel bad about anything you did or said.
I also would not hide the truth from your family. You don't need to talk about her in a mean way, just give the honest facts about your trip. This is not a small issue or an isolated incident. Apparently she hides the truth about things which is likely where your nephew learned that behavior. Has your sister always been like this (lying, not taking responsibility)? It is possible your sister has issues that therapy may help address. In that case, talking to your family about your trip may help her in the long run. At the very least, you should be able to share things with your family, especially where it concerns another family member.
I know she isn't talking to you now, but I assume there will be times that you will be in each other's presence - birthdays, etc. On those occassions, keep an eye on your daughter. Make sure she plays near you and don't let her go out of your sight with your sister or her kids. If/when you are on speaking terms again and you plan visits with each other, keep them short and stick to your convictions and rules. If you aren't being treated well, end the visit.
You sound like a level-headed person and a caring mom/aunt/sister. You tried to do something nice for your sister and her kids and you tried to look past the initial incidents of your trip. But there has to come a point when you say enough is enough. You and your family deserve to be treated well and I think you will have to continue to take the lead as you did when you confronted your sister. Best wishes to you.
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D.P.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
Hi J.,
Just got back from the beach myself. I saw first-hand how tough it is to corral kids of different ages and they are each O. the result of different parenting styles. My son is 6 and his littlest cousin is 3. Three years may not seem like much of an age difference but it IS when they are that young.
When you vacation with lots f people, you've gotta let some things slide. My son looked wracked with guilt if his cousin fell down when he was anywhere NEAR him--no contact or anything. Kids can wrk things out themselves to an extent. Don't drill them with questions of what happened, who did this, etc. Too argumentative...like you're trying to make a point. You should be able to SEE what happened with your own eyes.
Your daughter is still pretty little so you've gotta be the watchdog for her. You could try to pre-empt things like "Leave Missy in her carseat til we get her out" or "Missy is napping--no O. goes in this room til she's awake" etc. Not saying these things were your fault or anything but really the girls shouldn't have been tearing through the house unsupervised--vacation or not. You can't watch them every moment but 2 year old--running--chasing--older kid just equals an accident and it's usually the littler ones that get hurt. You definitely have the right to step in and make sure your daughter is safe. Try not to have a we vs. them attitude. After all, she feels the same about her kids that you do about yours.
Large family vacations can be the best thing in the world. Everyone needs to be on the same page with rules. If you & your sis can't agree on some rules, I guess it'd be better not to vacation together again.
Don't let it go on too long. It'll just get worse. I'd take the high road and extend the olive branch first.
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D.S.
answers from
Allentown
on
Hi J.,
I understand your dilemma.
First of all, the incident with your daughter and niece was resolved. When your neice fessed up and cried, you could have taken her to your daughter and had her apologize to her. Then you could have asked her what she could do for your daughter to make amends. You told the niece rightly to come to you if she needed help.
The matter could have been dropped except to just inform your sister what happened and that it was resolved.
Secondly, when the baby fell out of the car seat, it was an accident. I must add that communication was down from the very first moment when you all were planning your family time together at the beach.
You all needed to have gotten together and planned what was expected to happen at the beach. Wait for everyone to get situated before getting ice cream. Expected behaviors of the children with consequences.
The issue with your nephew. Continues the poor communication. Everyone needed to be reminded not to disturb your baby when she naps.
Your sister can't read your mind. You mentioned several times in your sharing that she doesn't know how to discipline her children.
Get a poster board and set up with your husband rules of the house. Set up the consequences if the rules are broken.
When you patch up the conflict with your sister, ask her to help you in writing up rules and consequences when her children come over to visit that way, everyone knows what is expected.
If you would like, there is a Family Group Decision Making (FGDM) consultant that may help you all patch things up.
The telephone number is: ###-###-####
Hope this helps. Good luck. D.
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T.R.
answers from
Philadelphia
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J.,
I am in a very similar situation, not with my sister but with my sister in law. She is very similar, she does not discipline her kids a 1 yr old and a 3yr old, and they are constantly, (the three year old mostly, of course) hurting my child and when i get upset about it her and her husband talk quietly to each other making fun of me me for getting upset about it. I finally reached a point where my husband and i decided we could not have them in our lives anymore. Yes it is hurtful but sometimes it is best. This falling out happened between us months go but it does still hurt. And i think it always will. Some one that should be close to you doesnt care that their actions hurt you and refuses to compromise so that you can be a part of their life. But you need to think of your family now, and if her being in your life is not whats best for your family then it seems like you have done the right thing for now.
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T.S.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
t.
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A.F.
answers from
York
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I wouldn't lie to your family. Let them know what is going on so that the next time you are at a family event they can all keep an eye out for your child. We have the same problem with my daughter's cousin & we only see them at family functions when there are a lot of other people around as witnesses. It so sad that some parents let their children run around unchecked.
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J.F.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
Wow, I'm sorry to say this but your sister sounds abusive. If she is so causally with your child God only knows how she treats her own kids behind locked doors. I wouldn't allow her children or her around my kids if I was you. I think at some point you have to stop being the victim and protect your child.
