Help Needed - Garden City,ID

Hi K.,

I was your daughter many years ago, and I knew it all--didn't we all? But I can tell you what DID NOT work that my parents did. They did as one of the replies suggested, they cut me off. That was the absolute worst mistake they could have made. It only made me feel MORE dependant on the loser that I made myself look past all of his shortcomings and thought that he was the best thing for me. Even worse, when you are a very young mom like that (I turned 18 a month after my 1st son was born), you start to think that no other man is going to want to be with you because "no one wants an instant family."

So, speaking from real life experience, when your parents--those whom you've grown to love and depend on in times of need--suddenly cut you off, you get the message that you have no other choice but to stay in your status quo. I think it would be a HUGE mistake to cut her off and only do things for the grandbabies. That will also send her the message (again, speaking from a world of experience) that you love the babies, but now that they're here, your daughter is worthless to you. You don't want that, especially if you want to change her situation.

I would suggest just loving her, sticking by her side, and possibly only occasionally showing her examples of what real love looks/feels like. When you're a young mom, you start to have a low self-esteem, and you think that possessiveness, etc is love, and you feel lucky that the father came back to you after he left you, or threatened to. The absolute best thing you can do is to build up her self esteem. Be there for her if she needs someone to watch the kids, encourage her to keep herself looking and feeling good. I know that my loser ex husband always got irate if I put makeup on or did my hair, especially if it wasn't to go somewhere with him. Now looking back I realize that he knew that I could/would find someone else, but back then I thought it meant he just really loved me a lot lol. What I'm trying to say is that you need to help her realize how much she is worth and find a loving way to convince her that he doesn't have to be the end of the road for her. But you have to do that in a way that isn't pushy or bossy because at her age, she's only going to run harder in the other direction.

Good luck!!!

Hi, K..
I was not a teen mother myself, but was involved in a tumultuous relationship at 18 - 21. I finally saw the light & said ENOUGH!!!
Right now, your daughter needs your support. You may feel that she is a COMPLETE IDIOT for making the decisions she has made, but if you tell her that...you will just be driving a wedge that much further between the two of you. I'm sure you remember being her age & thinking that you were "all grown up" & were perfectly capable of making your OWN decisions as an adult. Kids at that age don't want our help anymore in the decision making process. They feel they can do it on their own...and that we're stupid.
My best advice to you is to be there when he lets her down again, because he will!, to PRAY for her (not sure if you're a christian or not....but I have a firm belief that prayers DO work), and to let her know how much you love her!
Like one of the other responses said, she most likely has low self-esteem at this point in her life & all this guy is doing is making it worse...she doesn't need her mom to contribute as well. There is a time for tough love, but this is not the time in my opinion.
Just try not to be "the mom" so much (I know it's hard) & try being her friend...she needs love & support, because he's not giving it to her.
Good luck & hang in there...this too shall pass.

Dear K. M,
My heart goes out to you. I myself was in the same situation. I was a teenage mother. My first when I was only 15 and my 2nd when I was 17, my 3rd when I was 20 and my 4th when I was 23. I am now a 46 year old grandmother of 10 and one on the way. I turned a grandmother when I was 35! My daughter turned 15 and had a son. I now help raise him and I would change it for the world. He makes me young again. Your daughter will grow up. This 2nd baby will make her realize that things have to change. Does she go to school? I drilled it into my daughters head that she would have to support her child, because the boyfriends are not dependable. She is now a very good mother and a very hard worker. It did take time, but she did come around. I also told her there is no EASY way out. That it would be hard to go to school, work and be a mother all at the same time. If I could do it, anyone can. Must have a alot of determination. My kids are now well adjusted, on there own and are self supportive. There are lots of ups and downs, but that's in every family. I would like to know how this turns out. Let me know. Good luck. Enjoy the grandchildren and help when you can. Your daughter needs you now more than ever. She will turn a new leaf and become a responsible adult with children. Have faith in her. She needs that. Your daughter can be worse!
Sincerely,
Granny D.

Aimee R. said exactly what I was thinking!

I'm a little older, but I dealt with the same issues with my ex. He was a big kid who didn't want the responsibility of parenthood or anything else for that matter. My mom stuck in there for me- listened when I needed, offered advice when I asked...and she never did the "I told you so" when all was said and done. I left him after 6 years and a beautiful son later- like I always say...better later than never. Hopefully she will learn from the mistakes and the heartache & learn what she has to do for her own well-being and that of her children. Just be there for her...she needs you...every girl needs her mama from time to time!

Hope everything works out for you!

It is clear that you love your daughter and your grandchildren very much, and want only what is best for them...

"If you live under my roof, you will abide by my rules." This is how I personally would deal with this situation, and how I'm certain my parents would have dealt with it, had it happened to us... It is clear that this man causes your daughter to make poor choices, and yet she keeps going back to him. You CANNOT make her stop seeing him - it would be energy spent in vain. However, you can offer her the choice - leave him and live here, or move out, with her children.

It sounds cold... and it will hurt, especially since she probably won't want to speak to you or let you see your grandbabies. Make it clear to her, though, just in case, that you want to be there for THEM - the way any grandmother would be. But remember that you are not these children's mother, and shouldn't be the primary caregiver - she needs to step up as a mom.

I don't know your daughter or boyfriend and don't want to pass judgement, but you may want to keep an eye on the situation, even if she cuts off all comunication - if the children are in an unsafe/unhealthy situation, get Child Protective Services involved, and by all means, adopt them... but don't try to make things easy on her. If there are no consequences, she'll keep making the same choices.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and I wish only the best for your whole family, especially your grandchildren, who unfortunately are innocent victims in this whole mess...

WOW do I relate! I even wrote about my daughter dating a worm on here too! Got lots of great advice too. I backed off. I had to, it was affecting me and my daughters relationship. For a while she stopped calling me for advice and support and it broke my heart. Luckily she has no kids with this guy..YET! I pray that doesnt happen but I realized that she has to make her own mistakes even if they emotionally hurt her. I do keep a close tabs on whats going on but never put the guy down to my daughter. I want the door of communication to always be there so if something does happen she will come to me about it. I would hate it if she was really in trouble and afraid to come to me. I also went through this very thing with my mom. She hated my ex and it cause so many fights and tears. She had every reason to but I was just caught in the middle and ended up defending him instead of really seeing the full picture. I suggest just be as supportive as you can and let her know you will try to understand where shes coming from. Shes probably scared to do it on her own without him. I think we all are like that. We all go through things that arent healthy emotionally for us but time takes care of that. She will see the light I am sure just as I think my daughter will too. Good luck with it all! Lets just hope they see it sooner then later.

T.

The only advice I have to give is to love your daughter. If you want to always be a part of her and your grandchildrens lives you really have no other choice but to respect her decision. You may not like the guy too much, but maybe he will suprise you one day -- it sounds like they are both children themselves and with a little guidance, maybe from you, it will help them both live a better life. Remember to try not to say anything you will regret -- your daughter will remember the mean things you say. My prayers are with you.

I was in this situation a few years back and thankfully i got out of it. I think the best thing to do is to keep supporting your daughter but to try and get her out of the house block his calls if he shows up at your home call the police. If he has sold everything she owns out of a home they share i am sure he probably has done other dispicable things too. If your daughter will not listen to reason she should do the best thing for her childern and they shouldn't be around someone like that. I don't know if he does but in my situation my ex did drugs and commited crimes so if he is like this her childern can be removed from the home. so she is not only damaging herself but the safety of her childern at the same time. hopefully she will wise up and make a better choice for herself and her kids.

You are right. She needs to learn the lesson herself. And she needs you to be there for her. My niece lived under my roof for quite some time. It wasn't until recently that she told me that she learned so much during that time. She saw how my husband and I were and how we dealt with problems. She learned about relationships and the word "love". When she was living with us her boyfriend and her constantly fought. They'd break up, call each other names and then go back out. We just had to let her go through it. It hurts to do it but you have to.

Be there for advice, not opinions, be there for a shoulder to cry on but not an I told you so. And when you feel the time is right ask, "Do you think the kids were affected by that?" "Do you think the kids were scared?" When kids are constantly moved back and forth they don't get a sense of what home is. Try and point that out but don't sit her down and tell her. Parents often have to be tricky. We tricked our kids to get them to eat vegetables or to take their minds of something. The secret to teaching is to make it seem like you aren't teaching them!

Hi K.!
You have my heart! I've been exactly where you are. Yes, she needs to learn the hard way. Yes, she is still but a babe herself. And yes, you are STILL the mom. So here goes...stop helping her. Before you think how cruel this is, please hear me out. Go ahead and do everything you want and can for the grands. When it comes to her though, let her be. Be there for the grandbabies, but when she comes to you for any help for herself, ie: financial, laundry, everyday living...don't help her. Let her know you love her and you'll always be there for her and the grandbabies, but draw a line. A firm one. If she thinks she can be independent from you with a no-good man, then let her live it out. I'm not saying to cut her off, that would be wrong. Be there for emotional support, reassure her that your love for her is strong, but you will not tolerate her man's, or her, behavior. Let her know that your door is always open with loving arms waiting, but only for her and the grandbabies. And if you get the chance, sit her down and tell her what a TRUE relationship is like. I had to actually tell my daughter that what her man was doing was disrespecting her. And she deserved better. It was a touchy time, but we all came out ahead and she ended up meeting a wonderful man that she later married and he took her babes in as his own. It's so hard watching your children make serious mistakes. All you can really do is let them know you still love them, be there for their emotional health, and wait it out. Seventeen is so young, but they don't think it is when they're already a mommie themselves. Learning takes time, even at seventeen. My heart is with you. If you'd let to talk privately with someone who has been there, just message me and I'll get right back to you. Oh! And one more thing, don't give her any $$$.!!! If she asks for $$ for diapers, don't give it to her, buy them yourself and take them to her. This is a game they play when they figure out you won't just hand over $$ for expenses anymore. And only buy for the baby. She thinks she's an adult, allow her to experience it in the REAL sense. I'm here for you!

Just Me!
S.

Check out this article. It may offer a new perspective:

http://www.helium.com/tm/185095

-J.

I understand how you must feel!! Im afraid your daughter is going to do whatever she wants no matter what you do or say. The best thing for you is to be there when she needs you. She will one day realize that you do know what you are talking about and will kick herself in the butt for not listening to you. Its the hardest thing to do when you have to sit and watch your kids make some of the biggest mistakes in their lives. But if they wont listen to you, there isnt really much you can do except be there for them. If you push her away or try to stop her, you will only make things worse and she will run to him even faster. Good luck and I hope all ends up well in the end.

Wow! I am so sorry. Coming from a 17 year old girl who got in a similar situation and married my now husband of 8 years back then. My parents disliked him as well. He couldn't hold down a job either. We struggled and struggled at first. Now he has a good job that he is pleased with. He is a great great absolutely perfect daddy. Loves and takes care of me. And my mother loves him now and treats him like her own son. She had the same concerns about my husband that you have about your DD's guy. Nothing they said or did could have stopped me from loving him and wanting to be with him. So yes we BOTH had to love and learn. And now our relationship is great and our family is great. I couldn't imagine life without him. He had to grow up as a person. Hopefully if your DD chooses to keep him forever he will grow up. That is all you can really do is hope for her. That and be a shoulder for her to cry on when she needs it. Nothing whould have stopped me when I was her age. Cause I loved him and knew I loved him and knew his heart. Which no one else did at the time.