Am I Overreacting? - Canton,MI

I am a divorced women who is also very close to me ex we have a son togather and raise him togather, I am alos remarried and my husband see's how close we are is fine with it, the past is the past, and ex's are ex's but when there are childern involved thing's need to be peaceful......
Two people who share a past can raise their child togather and have healthy realationship's with other adult's.I am realy good friend's with my ex's new wife also..it just work's this for us, and it can for other's

I don't think you are over reacting! I think it is one thing to be civil and FRIENDLY but from what you say they act like they are still together. I would be highly upset with that myself. I think you should try to nip this now. There was some reason that they aren't together anymore.....Be careful and good luck.

I can see everyone else's point of view on this, but I'd also like to add in a counterpoint:

I am very close to my ex still even though I am remarried to a wonderful man. We had a fairly amicable divorce. My ex and I can still talk about things other than the children, and I can count on him to help me out if I ask. After being best friends with the person you are married to, it's very difficult to just cut someone out of your life. My husband, while not terribly enthused about it, understands; he knows I love him and have no further relationship interest in my ex-husband. And since I'm not on the phone with my ex more than need be (in other words, I don't call him daily or even weekly- I just talk to him when there's the obligatory phone call) he's come to trust my judgement.

However, there is a difference between a healthy seperation and an unhealthy seperation. You need to decide if theirs was healthy or unhealthy and figure out how YOU truly feel about the situation. Is it a matter of you can't trust HIM, you can't trust HER, or you don't trust YOU? Anyway you decide it, she will be in his life regardless, talk to him about ways to limit the exposure.

Good luck.

Hi C., my name is C.. I have been threw the same thing. My is a little different though. I have been with my hubby since I was 17. But he has a kid with the ex. So the beginning of our relationship it was on again and off again. He always went back to her when things didn't go his way. But finially after 9 years being with him we got married. We were both very young and he wasn't ready to settle for just 1 relationship. But after we got married I just said to myself "he is a grown man and he is going to be with the person he wants" so I just hoped for the best and let it go. But I thing there should be a line in what your man is telling his ex. But I have learned too that the more you act jealous the more they do it. I hope i have gave you alittle help. Sorry if I didn't.

I don't think you are overreacting. But I have one question....have you discussed any of this with him? Have you told him you are not comfortable with the level of his relationship with his ex? On the other hand, be very happy that they are not always fighting about you and your being around his kids. That is the more common status between exes. You have a right to be upset with his discussing your relationship with his ex, but at least they can have a civil conversation in regards to you. Many people wish they didn't have to deal with constant struggles over exes.
Good luck, hope it works out for you. You really need to sit him, maybe her as well, and let them know you want boundaries on what they discuss.

Hi C.,
I don't think you are over-reacting at all. If it makes you uncomfortable then your fiance needs to understand that. He should not be telling his ex anything about your relationship...that's what friends are for if he feels the need to talk to someone. As a divorced and re-married person myself, my ex husband and current husband get along great. Which is a big plus. If my husband were EVER insecure about anything with my ex husband then I would want to fix it. There is a fine line your fiance needs to draw with his ex(they divorced for a reason).He should talk to the ex about the kids not his relationship with you. You have every right to YOUR feelings and no one should ever deny you that right. Good Luck and I hope this helps you.

L.

I wouldn't worry about it. Obviously they decided long ago that they didn't want to be together. Also, if he proposed to you, he must not want to be with her. I think it's great that they can still be friends. I wish my ex husband and I still were. I would love it if my husband and I could go out and eat sometime with my ex and his wife, but my ex wants nothing to do with me except discussing our kids.

I know you probably already talk to your fiance about this, but i wanted to comment too. I agree with Lisa very much on this. I started dating my husband a little after 2 years of him leaving his ex wife. I was 18 and he was 27. They had started dating when they we 14 got married at 19 had two children and were married for almost 7 years. They were together for almost 12 years. Thats along time. Especailly since they went through everything together. He told me about his previous g/f and how when he dated her he was still sleeping with his exwife, even though they were seperated. That freaked me out. So i did exactly what Lisa said. I became friends with her. Freaked the hell out of my husband. But to me she was actually a very nice person. Though i found out by her attitude, why they got divorced. Shes kind of a little over the top with stuff. Mike and I have been married over a year and together for 5. I still remain friends with the ex, more so then him. One time she came over after her brother commited suicide. I was fine with it. I know she wanted attention from him and i was fine with that too. But he didnt give it to her. Later i told him i would of understood if he gave her a hug and whatnot. They have been through so much when they were together, she didnt know how to deal with it by herself. She wasnt there to get him back, she was there for comfort. and i understood that. Now she is married and is haveing another child wth her husband. I think its great. Now the ex g/f always tries to get him back and he cant stand her. I made friends with her just becuase i hate her. And i do mean hate, and i dont hate many people. But i dont know your case. So i cant really tell you what to do. He does need to see it from your point. If your uneasy about it, he should back off on the personal talk with the ex. I really do hope everything goes well for you. Good luck with the talking, i know how men listen :)

Hi C.-

Well this is a strange one. My first thought is that your not overreacting. I don't think he should be discussing your relationship with her. That has nothing to do with her. And as far as them being so close, it does sound alittle strange. But you have to remember, they got divorced for a reason. Something tore them apart, if everything was fine and dandy, then they would still be married. I would ask him to not discuss your relationship with her and if you really love this guy, try to trust him if he is talking to his ex. Like you said, you know that they have to talk and see each other for the children, maybe they just realized that they work great as friends and terrible as husband and wife. I can't say that I've ever been in that situation, so I hope my advice was alittle helpful.

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I am a second wife as well and the situation you are in is a stressful one.

You might want to check out www.stepmomstation.com, it's a support group for second wives/girfriends dealing with ex-wife and stepkid issues. It's been fabulous for me!

I've been a member at this site for almost 2 years, and a previous site (with mostly the same members) for 3 years before that. I've made several lifelong friends on there, we're a really tight knit group.

It's free but you have to apply and be approved (they do this to keep some of the crazier ex wives from being able to join and spy). You'd be amazed how many people are in the same situation.

If you join, look for me, my name is Leighdybug on there!

I think it depends upon the situation. My ex and I are very good friends, we have cook-outs with our families, he invites my husband to do things and his fiance invites me. We even stayed at their home one year durring christmas so we could spend time with my daughter at christmas (We lived out of state at the time).

Honestly, we get along MUCH better as friends and ONLY friends than in a relationship, perhaps that is the case with your fiance and his ex? Maybe they both know that it would be pointless to have a relationship, but continue to be good friends.

As far as him putting her first though, I think that is wrong. If he is committed to you, you and your feelings and needs need to come before hers. Have you discussed this with him? Maybe he just doesn't realize that it is affecting you.

Wow- he really needs to set some boundaries with his ex! You aren't overreacting at all. It's fine if they get along, but their contact and conversations should be limited to the polite how are you's and things related to their kids. They should not be discussing your relationship, and he should not have any other female friends that he is that close to. If you are going to be his wife, he needs to put you and the kids first. I used to think it was possible to have a platonic relationship with an ex, but I've since changed my mind. I tried having a platonic relationship with my ex-boyfriend after we broke up, but even though I told him over and over that I wasn't interested and nothing would ever happen between us, he still wanted to marry me and would not respect boundaries. I ended up having to cut ties altogether. All I can say, is you absolutely have to get this resolved before you get married, or it will cause a multitude of problems later.

I hate to be the barer of bad news: HE IS STILL SCREWING AROUND WITH HER. Take if from someone who was in the exact same situation. The only difference was I was never married before so I didn't have an ex. When it all hits the fan, don't be too surprised, okay hon. I know it may hurt to know that, but don't be one of those women who won't see the answer right in front of her face. OPEN YOUR EYES SISTA. She ain't going away cuz she is messing around with someone besides your man too. She just doesn't want to give him up completely.

Wow, I personally do agree that it is out of line for him to discuss your personal relationship problems with his ex wife. Exactly, as you said you are divorced and remain cordial with your ex and only discuss the children as it should be. It sounds like you tried telling him how you feel and he doesn't understand, agree with you or is in denial. Whether he agrees that it's a problem or not he should respect your feelings and do what he can to make it not an issue with his ex. So maybe try to get him to feel how it would be for him to be in your shoes. If that doesn't work always trust your instincts.

I do not think that you are overreacting. You have those feelings for a reason. However, this behavoir could be normal for him. Has he remained close to other girlfriends, always had a close female friend, etc. He may not be able to change or give you what you need. Of course, it could be that there is some connection still there and neithr one is truly ready to give up and MOVE ON. However, I would not tell you to demand he gives up that relationship. I think you need to talk to him about and find out why he feels they are so close and then decide if it is the situation you want to be in. I am not sure how long you have been together, but as time moves on he should prefer your company to hers or most anyone as you should be becoming his best friend and the person he comes to discuss life and etc. If you do not feel the relationship is moving there, then I would really evaluate whether it is where you need to be. You cannot maintain a realtionship with the feelings you have, it will only become worse if you resent what they have/share and don't trust it. Whether or not it is justified really does not matter. You have those feeling and that is that. I will also say, most people have "feeling" or become upset by situations for a reason. If the two of you can talk about that and he is willing to work with you on those areas of concern, it may be worth the try, but you cannot ignore how you feel. You may try to squash it, but then something always seems to happen to ignite them with a fury. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and your feelings. Everyone deserves to be in a realtionship where you are getting what you need as well as want. It is a two way street. You have feelings that have got to be respected and if he is not capable of respecting your feelings and you are feeling that she comes first, you need to think about whether that is how you want to live your life. Ultimatums rarely work in the long term. Good luck and best wishes to be happy and FEEL LOVED as well as be loved.

You are NOT over-reacting. I am married to a divorced man, and he has an 8-year-old son. If he talks to her too long on the phone about their son, I get annoyed. I feel she does NOT need to know any details about our life, our plans or anything at all. He has almost nothing to do with her, except for arranging to pick up/drop off his son. It would make me extremely uncomfortable to know he was talking to her about me, and spending time with her. Afterall, they were in love, have had sex, and had a child together. Throw a little emotion in there, and things can easily get out of control. My husband tells me that men love to be the "hero" and rescue women. Calling for a panic attack? Sounds like she is looking for attention. What were the circumstances of their divorce? How long have they been apart? Who filed for the divorce? If you don't think you can give him a "it is her or me" type of deal, then try making friends with her yourself. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer type of thing. If he is a typical man, the idea of you two being friends will freak him out. No man wants two women who have been intimate with him to be friends. Tell him conversations about him that you two have, and maybe that will have him saying... don't do that. Then you can say, if you stay away from her, I will too! I'm divorced, too. And my husband would really freak out if I was contacting him/staying in touch and hanging out. In this type of situation, you can't look like the bad guy. Try to finesse your way out of it, instead of throwing a fit. I love the saying from "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding." A man is the head of the family, but the woman can turn the neck any way she wants to!!
Good luck!

No I do not think your over reacting. Yes it is good to be friends with the ex for the kids sake. I am close with my ex to. We even tried to work it out a couple of months ago. But there are red flags there. I would be very cautious. Sounds to me that they are a little to close. I think you have every right to be acting this way. I would not put up with it. Hair cut and panic attack. Ok sounds like she needs to cut the strings also. They became ex's for a reason. Please just be careful.

Lets just say that a woman's intuition is always right, and your's was there for a reason which is why you didn't move in with him (as I understand it). However, it doesn't mean that he is doing anything out of the norm. Also, I have an ex and we have a daughter together. I won't talk to him anymore unless it pertains to our daughter. I do believe that ex's should only talk in regard to the children. Any other kind of conversation is just asking for trouble IMO of course. You should be the one talking to him about how this makes you feel! Good Luck...and follow that intuition of yours, god gave it to you for a reason.

GOD DO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU!!!!!!! I live with my boyfriend who talks to his ex wife like they are still together. I have been with him for 4 1/2 years and have lived with him for the past year. She still calls him and just walks in the house on the rare days she wants to play "Mommy".
If you get good information could you PLEASE pass it down to me! Even his parents still talk to her even though they don't like her. The only thing that is holding me here is I don't have the cash to leave. Good luck and I hope to hear from you soon.