Mom Seeking Help - Greenfield,OH

YOu say "split up" sdoes that mean divosrced. IF NOT then you need to wait until you are. Also, you say you are "with" someone older. Does that meant married? IF not, again I suggest waiting.
Don't let one man who wasn't "good to you". SPoil it for all other men. THis man can not take the blame for what another has done. If you love him enough to have a child with him (and hopefully married) and he does to then go for it.

Having my daughter was the best thing I did-- and my husband is 16 years older. BUT-- I'm also a divorce attorney. So I guess I see both sides. My advice is to wait. You are only 25. I am 33 and pregnant now with my second. You already have 2 that need your love and support. Enjoy raising them with your "someone else." See if it's meant to be. Get married, even-- then think about another one.

P.,
I have a girlfriend who was in a similar situation to you. She had a daughter with her first husband. He was absolutely no help and out of the picture;she was basically a single parent. She got pregnant ten years later with her second child to the man that became her second husband. She now has two little girls with him. He is the EXACT same way that her first husband was. She is the first to admit that she acted out of emotion in sleeping with him before marrying him and then marrying him because she was pregnant. To be honest with you, too many important details have been left out of your description of the new man in your life. How long have you been together? Why are you considering having a child with a man who has made no long term commitment to you? Have you considered how this decision might affect your children and the child you are considering having? I would be scared if I were you too. There are too many unknowns in your life, it is probably too soon for you to consider having another child, let alone getting into another long term relationship. Take a step back and look at your life and don't act on emotion. Consider what is best for your children and for yourself.

J. F

P.,

Since you're 25 you have plenty of time to wait, see what life is bringing you on this fresh path, and see if this is the right man and the right time to start over again. Your children are already undergoing a major change, without their birth father in the picture each day, and a new sibling would only add to the stress they're probably feeling. Your new man is only 37, so he too has lots of time to make a new baby. My husband is 40, and I'm 36, and we're just now working on number three!

Plus, from a legal standpoint, I'd wait until you're completely divorced to become pregnant again. Ohio is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce, but I wouldn't want anything in court that could give him an edge when it comes to custody rights.

Good luck, and take your time and relax. There's plenty of wonderful life ahead for you and your children, don't rush it!

K.

I agree with the first mom about waiting but I also agree that you aren't having a baby with your ex. It would be scary; I know I needed lots of TLC and help during my pregnancy and I have a fabulous hubby who helps out in every way.

But, it sounds to me like your new man still wants another child like you. He's not that old; my husband is in his late thirties. So really think about your next steps, involve him in every thought and decision and if you two are in agreement, then go for it. You can tell what kind of a father he is already by the way he treats and loves his own children.

P.,

I would wait. You are still young and have plently of time if this relationship is meant to be. Your children are still young and it sounds like they have a lot to adjust to now without a new baby. How old are his 3 kids? How often does he see them? I would be concerned if you already think he acts like the kids interupt his life...a third will only add to it!

Good luck...follow your gut feelings.

I was scared too, when my current husband wanted a baby. I have a different situation. He's 6 years younger than me. My ex husband is 6 years older than me. I had two kids with him. He wasn't very understanding or supportive during my pregnancy, so I was worried about having a baby when I remarried. I warned him over and over again that when I was pregnant, I would be cranky, tired, and need lots of extra affection. Well, we had a baby together. She's now 5 months old. My husband was awesome! It was so different from being with my ex. He treated me like a queen and rubbed my feet every night, talked to my belly all the time, and was there completely through every step of the way. I would say to express your feelings to your man. Tell you the things your first husband did when you were pregnant and how it made you feel. He should be sure not to make the same mistakes if he loves you.

P. -
I too have been in situations in life where I have been seeking advice on major things such as children, marriage, divorce, etc. The fact that you are even posing these questions shows doubt in this situation. If you are the least bit concerned in any way, shape or form, you should wait. You are 25 and still have a lot of time if you or your partner want more children. You have already lived through a situation with a husband who provided no help at all to you after the birth of your children....do you really want to put yourself at risk of this again?! YOU deserve better and time will tell if this is the right person for you! Best Wishes! You are doing the right thing by reaching out to other people for advice...I wish I did the same when I was your age!

Your answer should come from within your heart. What is it telling you? What feelings do you receive from inside when you ask yourself this question?

People are different and experiences varies; don't allow the past to dictate the future. But always feel certain 100% when making such an important decision.

This is kind of late in reply, but I wanted to mention something.
In Michigan {of course Ohio may be different} if you have a child with your boyfriend while you are still married to your husband then your husband not the father of the child is listed on the birth certificate and is considered legally the father of your child. I don't think you want that to happen. So before becoming pregnant I would check your local laws.
Good luck!!

P.,
How long have you been with this guy? You can't compare your ex-husband to another, especially don't let him feel you are doing this because it might hurt him. If you love each other and you both want to have a baby, then you will just have to chance it, and hopefully he will be more considerate and sensitive to your feelings.

P. -

From your message, it sounds like you are still married to your husband and are just dating this new guy. If I were you, I wouldn't even THINK about getting pregnant with the new guy until you AFTER you get married. I am not saying this to be preachy - it is just reality. Really get to know him, make sure he is everything you think he is, make sure he will be the father your unborn child needs AND the stepfather your current kids need. You are only 25, and your kids are still so young (and close together!) - why don't you give yourself a well-deserved rest from pregnancy for a while? You'll be amazed at how much your 1 and 2 yr. old will mature in the next few years. Having a third baby when your other two kids are closer to 3 and 4 will be a much easier and more pleasant experience for you.

Hey P.,

I'm also a 25yr old mother of 1 (a 5year old daughter) and my husband is also "much older" then I am (almost 10 years). My ex husband, and my daughters father, never really wanted children in the first place and when I got pregnant 3 months into our relationship it was a very hard time. I was lucky though that the pregnancy its self wasnt that hard.
Now that I'm with my husband and we are going to start trying to have children within the next year or so I'm actually looking forward to it. Jason is VERY caring and loving with my daughter, to the point that she has refered to herself as "Jasons daughter" a few times. I know that he is going to be a great father and suport once we do get pregnant.
As to how to help you get over being scared its just a matter of watching how he acts and asking yourself if that is what you will need in the way of suport. IDK, thats just my take on it. :-)

P. slow down! I am 36 years old been married twice, two children with my first, and adopted my third child with my second husband. Be very, very sure this is the guy!!! Think about if you are capable of supporting three children by yourself, emotionally and financially, because you never know what the future will bring. I can financially support my children, no child support here, wow how people can change! My children are 18 today, 13 and 8, I question daily if I could have only had more time with them that they would have become more sucussful and well adjusted people, if they got all the emotional support and encouragement they needed. If they got enough one on one time. Children become what we mold them into. I love my children with all my heart, wouldn't trade them for the most glorous life, but life is tough, choose wisely while you're young. I beleive that there are great men out there. I think I have met one, but I don't have the time or energy to put in a relationship, it would take away from my children's time! He is eight years my senior, raised three boys without their mom, no child support, did a great job! I can only hope he will wait while I finish raising mine, because until then I don't have the time. I now have to think about what is fair to my kids, we only get them a short time before we set them free. There will be plenty of time for me later! Take life slow, we all seem to be running through life, not taking time to enjoy it! You are young and if he's the one he will still be there in a couple years, you have plenty of time to have more children! Take Care! I hope I helped! Julie

All I can say is just remember that you are not marrying your ex. This is a new man and it is not fair for him to be compared to your ex. You need to be upfront and honest with him and make sure you hear him tell you what he is expecting out of this next pregnancy/baby. Another thing that I might add is I have a very good friend that has an older husband (he is almost 20 years older) and he is just amazingly great with their kids. He just has that maturity that only comes with age, and I sometimes am jealous of how thoughtful he is compared to as my husband is!

Pam, Too fast. Wait. Please give yourself time. It sounds like you are not even divorced yet. Good luck.