My 13 y/o daughter’s step-mom told her something that is NOT true. Here’s the story…my ex asked if he could take my DD to Virginia for Thanksgiving week. Actually my ex asked me this via email. I emailed him back and told him yes that I was fine with it. He only sees her 4 days a month and I know my DD would love to go. The next day I received an email saying to forget it that he would not be taking her.
My DD had told her Dad and step-mom that she was really bummed she was not going
and the step-mom tells my daughter that it is really too bad that I told them NO and that they really wanted her to go. Step-mom tells her they asked me but I refused to let her go.
After my DD got off the phone she came to me looking very upset and asked me why I wouldn’t let her go and she told me what her step-mom had said. I was floored! I told my DD there must be a misunderstanding and that I would talk to her Dad about it. My husband (step-dad) said to her that I had told them yes but that her Dad said to forget it. My DD asked me if that was true that her Dad didn’t want to take her with tears starting to well up in her eyes so I again said there is a misunderstanding and I would clear it up. What a mess!!
I called her Dad and he said he didn’t remember telling me to forget it and I said I had it on email. That is when he became defensive and said if I showed my DD the email she would be really devastated to know the truth.
I can only speculate but here is what I believe happened. When my ex asked me if she could go, he was counting on me saying No, because they could not afford to buy her ticket. He already had to buy 4; 2 tickets for her step-sisters as well. When I agreed to let her go he told me to forget it but I think he NEVER told his wife/step-mom. The reason I think this is because there is no way she would ever tell my daughter that I said NO unless she believed it to be true. She knows it would get back to me. I think my ex lied to me and his wife all to make me out to be the “bad guy” and make himself look good.
My DH said I should show the email to my DD and prove that I am telling the truth and I had said yes to her going. My gut tells me to that may make it worse. My DD was mad at me about it but if she saw the email that her Dad had sent me about not taking her I think he is right she would be devastated.
Do I continue to let her believe that I said No to her going knowing she will always remember this or prove that I am telling the truth? It kills me to know that she believes I said No to her going and want her to know the truth but….
Moms thank you all so much for answering my question. What I did was call my ex and tell him that either he tell our DD the truth or I would. He picked her up last night and took her to dinner and came clean. He told her why he lied and actually admitted to NOT telling the Step-Mom. My DD told me all about when she got home. She was really sad but at the same time she almost felt like a weight had been taken off her shoulders and understood WHY her Dad did what he did. The only part she did not understand was why he didn't tell her Step-mom but all she said to me was "it is what it is". The SM now knows though. Bottom-line was that he could not afford to buy her a plane ticket but thought she would be mad that he was taking her 2 step-sisters and not her. They were going to VA to visit StepMoms family. However, he actually made her a promise that come Summer he was going to take just her to Washington D.C. which is where she has always wanted to go. I'm really happy with the outcome. My DD is amazing and I'm especially happy to have written this question on this forum and have received so many splendid answers.
Tell her the truth. She needs to know who will be honest with her and at 13, that trust is imperative. Show her the e-mails.
I would also add that you told her it was a misunderstanding because you didn't want her to think any different of her father....but the facts are what they are.
You don't want her dating a guy that lies to her, so, why is ok that her dad lies to her? It's not!
WOW, poor DD.
Personally I would cover for him. Tell her that there was a miscommunication and besides you would not feel right not having her with you for the holiday. Let her be upset but know you love her too much, then have a private sit down with X and his wife telling him and her that this will never be done again, also you will CC all comunications to eachother so if X emails you you will CC his wife and vise a versa. so everyone is on the same page.
Tell her the truth and call them and have a convo 3 way to get this cleared up- if she can't go because of money, then they need to be the ones to tell her that instead of lying and making you be the bad guy. Good luck.
M
Throwing you under a bus like that is probably why he's an "ex". Sheesh. Time for him to man up and admit it, if he doesn't, you will. Your DD should be given the courtesy of an honest answer.
The Dad is playing some horrible head games with his daughter.
What ever his reasons are, he should tell the truth. He should not be lying to everyone, and he should not be expecting you to protect his image. His image is just that - completely false. He chose not to buy her a ticket.. He chose not to ask you for help in buying a ticket. He chose a particularly rotten way to try to shift the blame and make himself look good while being a rat.
How old is old enough to know the score about what a rotten guy her Dad is?
You think if you keep painting a rosy picture of this guy it is going to make it become a reality? Because eventually she will learn, and then she'll blame you for hiding it from her. There's a reason you are not married to him anymore. Sooner or later your daughter should know what those reasons are. Because when it's time for her to choose a husband, picking out someone exactly like dear old Dad is not going to serve her well at all.
I would give him an opportunity to tell your daughter the truth. But be clear that if he does not tell her, you will. No need for her to be upset at you when you did nothing wrong. And as far as hurting her feelings, HE did that, so he needs to man up and take responsibility!
I am the child of Divorce.. a really ugly divorce.. Always tell your child the truth.. She is stronger than you think, she is old enough and she needs to know she can trust you to tell her the truth , good, bad and ugly. She also needs to know that things can be disappointing and we should not guess or assume anything..
You know your ex better than me, but I have my own theories about this situation.. But does it matter? No. What matters is that your daughter has the truth and let her sort out her relationship with her her father and the step family.
Allow your daughter to know that even parents make mistakes and poor choices. That even when we do our best we can falter.
Awesome update. It was a good lesson for all of us too.
I say tell your daughter the truth. She is probably hurt thinking you did not want her to go. She would be even more hurt if she ever finds out you did not tell her what really happen. You will help her grow up by telling her the truth.
You tell her the truth. You tell her that the plans fell through and that you are not sure what happened but that it was nothing you or she did. In fact, tell her no one is at fault and NO ONE is to blame -- Sometimes we have to deal with disappointment.
You can tell her you guess the plans might have fallen through for financial reasons and that perhaps the step-mother and her father didn't know how to break the bad news to her and so perhaps they fudged the truth a bit by saying you had said she could not go even tho you emailed her father your blessing.
At 13, she is savvy enough to know that you would be able to produce the email. If she asks, offer to show it to her. If she doesn't ask - Don't offer. Immediately after you talk to your daughter, send an email to her father with the very basics of what you told her as he will have some explaining to do.
Hopefully, he will be smart enough to see you gave him an out...And he can apologize to his daughter and tell her "Honey, money is tight and we just couldn't make this ttrip happen. I am sorry there was a miscommunication about this between you and me and your mom. I'll do better next time."
Ok, I am a divorced mom and my current husband and I have always been very good about not saying anything negative about the ex and his wife in front of our son. So I have some experience in these situations.
but- if your ex out and out LIED to your daughter to try and put the blame on you for his own decision.... well, I know you want to shelter your daughter, but frankly, she is going to be angry and hurt either way, so she may as well be angry and hurt at the person who is ACTUALLY responsible and not you.
I would talk to her about it, show her the emails that went back and forth and encourage her to 'talk it out' first with you- then to talk to her father about it. She is 13, not 3 and deserves an honest answer and respect from him. If he could not take her, he should not have invited her in the first place- or been mature enough to just tell her outright what was going on.
Putting the blame on you was despicable. He is deliberately trying to undermine his daughter's relationship with you and that is just not acceptable. I'm so sorry you are in this awkward position and even more sorry for your daughter, but she deserves honesty so she can really examine how she feels and come to terms with it.
I remember once my mother told me that I would never need to bad-mouth my ex in front of my son. " He is a smart kid and getting too big to pull the wool over his eyes. He will see for himself soon enough who is reliable and who isn't, who is around and who isn't. He doesn't even need you to disillusion him."
It is totally true. If your ex had not played this game with his child's feelings, he would not have made her so unhappy and gotten caught out. He needs to take his medicine. Then you need to just make the holiday as happy as you can for your girl! Good luck and god bless!
Honesty is the best policy. She will find out eventually and you don't want her to think you are both liars. She needs to be able to trust what you tell her and the only way to do that is to be honest from the start. Tough situation for sure. Hopefully you can find a gentle way to tell her without telling her all of the details. Let her know that there was a miscommunication and SM thought you had said no (these are both true, yes?) Let her know that next time you will all make sure no signals get crossed and that it's something you and her dad need to work on.
Well I am one to be honest since she is getting older to tell the whole truth I understand that it is time to comfort her. I would definitely have a conversation with the EX before plans like this fall through again. While I agree with the posts on handling your daughter's emmotional needs and you don't want to put her in the middle and start pointing fingers...I sure think it is wrong for your daughter to think you are to blame for this whole situation when clearly you are not. I think if you hesistate to show her the email fine but at least let her know you said yes and it was her father/stepmother whose plans changed and that you will talk to her Dad so there are no more "misunderstandings" like that one in the future. Save that email though :)
Tell her the truth, comfort her, then let it go. The truth will come out eventually. Even if you had said no, she'd get over it eventually. If they're going to play games like this, your daughter will see the truth in how they are. If you stay honest with her, she'll respect you for it. Don't make a big deal about it. Say, "I said you can go, there was either a misunderstanding or something came up. I'm not sure what happened." That honesty she will appreciate. Good luck!
.
She needs to know the truth....give your ex the chance to tell her himself (in front fo you so you know that he isn't lying again) or show her. Then let him explain to her why he did it. Don't jeopardize YOUR relationship with your daughter or her stepmoms for him. He needs to manup on this.
YES show her the emails.
Your ex or her SM out and out lied to you daughter about you. You are under no obligation to continue that lie about yourself.
"Honey... I have no idea why anyone would say I said no. I said "absolutely" and said it in email and have the copies of them."
IF your ex AND you hadn't said anything to you DD then it would be spiteful to show her changed plan emails... but that ISN"T what happened. Your DD was out and out lied to about those plans AND about you.
She needs to know you said yes, but she shouldn't feel that her dad didn't want to see her. Tell her that you said yes but things didn't work out - she's old enough to understand money problems so you can tell her that you don't know why the step-mom told her otherwise, maybe she misunderstood or maybe she was embarrassed that they couldn't afford a ticket right now but that you are sure her dad wanted her - things just don't always work out.
Show her your e-mail response back if you have it, but not her dad's because it doesn't say 'why' so it will just confuse her.
Hi L.
I think that you are probably correct, that he was banking on you saying no so he wouldn't have to pay. I would tell your daughter the truth, the whole truth. First let your X know what you are going to do this way he can tell her the truth also, that he wants her with him more than anything he just can't afford it at this time. The reason of course the truth is always the best answer, and this may not be the last time this will happen.
One seemingly innocent lie even to protect someones feelings often leads to another lie. Before you know it, it's out of control. I do understand how you feel, about taking the blame just to protect her, but when she hears the whole truth there really is no bad guy. She also will learn the lesson that everything cost money. Hope this helps, let us know how it turns out.
Regards
S.
I'm sorry your daughter is disappointed. I think you are right that this is not a time to prove that to her you are the one who is "right" and they are the ones who are "wrong". That would not help her, or change the outcome.
This is a time to comfort your daughter in her disappointment and help her move on. You could tell her that you hoped she could go, that you don't know why she can't go, but that disappointments happen and we have to accept them and move on. She's old enough to deal with a disappointment and understand that we don't always get what we want.
Since your daughter isn't a baby, I think she deserves for someone to tell her the truth. I would keep your theories about what reply happened to yourself, however, as you want to avoid it coming off as finger-pointing. I would simply tell her that you don't know how this misunderstanding started, but you feel she deserves the truth as you know it. You did give your permission for the trip and her dad decided against it later. I'd offer to show her the emails, but don't come into the conversation with it, as that might come off as looking defensive and like you're trying to prove yourself "right". Tell her this isn't about right or wrong, but about the truth versus the misunderstanding (I wouldn't even say the word lie). If she wants to know more, she should ask her dad, but stress again that this was a sad misunderstanding and things like this happen sometimes. Hopefully she'll let it go, but no matter what, her trust in you won't be damaged. Good luck!
Oh, what an awful situation to be in!
I would "fudge it." Tell her that there was some kind of miscommunication - that you thought you had said yes but he thought you had said no, etc etc. These things really do happen. You shouldn't have to be the "bad guy" but it would be worse for your daughter to feel like she was unwanted by her dad.
And I would make it 150% crystal clear to your ex that you are NOT going to cover for him this way again. That you only did it to spare your daughters feelings, not because it was the "right" thing to do. He's an adult - he needs to think about the consequences of his actions.
Good luck.
Hi L. ;-)
I agree with everyone regarding TRUTH being the best way to handle anything in life! But if I understand what you have written, you mentioned that your ex husband got nervous about you showing his email response to your daughter. This already feels then, like he did ask, you did respond, and he changed his mind or some other circumstance prevented him from taking her. Here is what you wrote:
<<< called her Dad and he said he didn’t remember telling me to forget it and I said I had it on email. That is when he became defensive and said if I showed my DD the email she would be really devastated to know the truth.>>>
I'm wondering what he means by that? Does the email just say "forget it" or is there an explanation that would feel more devastating?
The summarization is your assumption that your ex was playing a game, and lost, because your response was not what he expected.
My suggestion is you speak with your ex first, and let him know what you are thinking. Tell him you need HIS truth as to "what really happened" Also tell him that he will have to be the one that explains his response to his daughter as you will not LIE for him. If what you suspect is true, he will need to figure out a way to tell his daughter why he changed his mind. You will just need to be there to help your daughter once she hears whatever it is she is going to hear, from her dad.
You may remain with YOUR truth: You said yes she could go! And then your EX will have to come up with why, then, she is not (did not) going. IF he does not tell the truth and he and his wife continue in the vein of making YOU look like the bad guy, then I would tell your daughter that there must be some issues going on in that household and for some reason her dad had to change his mind and then show her the email so she DOES see that you are telling the truth and she'll be able to see the date of the email. (This is assuming that all it says in the email is "forget it" as you posted) BUT.. only use this as a last resort AND after you let your ex know you are going to show your daughter if he is not able to respond to her truthfully that HE changed his mind.
There is much more to what is going on than anyone knows at this point in time, so blessings for finding out the truth and for your daughter hearing it as gently as she can with you there to love her.
hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner
I thinkt it's best to chalk it up to misscommunication among fickled adults such that no one really ends up the bad guy. I would also make sure your ex knows you are keeping him out of hot water and make him work on a gesture for your daughter to make it up to her. He should also be the one to tell her there was a mix up and that he now realized you did not say no.
I would show her... your ex lied to more than 2 people, you did not. Why should you allow your daughter to see you as the bad guy here? It will only hurt your relationship with her. The truth is always better than a lie or smoothing over sugary words that are still... A LIE.
I would suggest that you let her read the e-mail. He has some nerve putting you in that position. That is just ridiculous!! If I were you, I think I would forward the e-mail to his new wife as well. LOL (I did say I think, I probably would not follow through with the new wife e-mail, but it's nice to dream isn't it....) anyways, I think that it is important that your daughter knows that you are telling the truth, and that you always tell her the truth. She needs to know that she can trust you. Also, if she thinks that you think it is ok for you to lie to her then she is going to think it is ok for her to lie to you......I vote - tell the truth!
I just read some of the other posters (probably should've done that before I posted) but they suggest giving him the option of telling her the truth. Which would be a very nice and compassionate thing for you to do, but if you do that, I would suggest that you sit in on the conversation or listen on another phone if it is done over the phone to make sure that he is not telling her more lies to cover up his first lie......just a thought
Your daughter is 13 years old, she can handle the truth even if it hurts. You tried to be fair about everything telling her it was a miss communication. Just tell her if she wants to see your response to your "ex" email you'll show her. Leave it at that....
OUCH!! Generally, I am all for telling the truth, but there are occasions when it will cause too much pain.
What I would do: tell your daughter AND her step mom that your e-mail saying yes got misplaced (maybe directed to his spam box?) and her dad THOUGHT you had not replied, so he took that to mean "no." By the time he discovered the answer, it was too late to buy another ticket. Then tell your ex that this is the story you should BOTH stick to. Then tell him that you will NOT cover his butt again, that your daughter is getting old enough to hear the truth even if it isn't pretty.
Didn't your hubby already tell her that you said yes? So now she has already been told conflicting information by both sets of parents. I say, tell her the truth, you did say you could go but then based on what her dad said, you assumed they changed their minds about the trip. That is the truth as you know it.
I wouldn't show the email unless she asks for it. At this point she knows someone has told her misinformation and since you know it wasn't you and you believe her step-mom didn't actually lie but was possibly misinformed, it would be better for her to know and not be mad at the mom's involved.
I would talk to step-mom and let her know that you realize she must have been misinformed but you did say your daughter could go.
Hi L.,
There are some horrible moments in coparenting with ex-spouses, sometimes.
As a kid of divorced parents, I had a similar experience, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say, your exhusband made a "devastating" decision for which he is happy to let you take the responsibility for. Had he been honest and mature about it, he should have told your daughter "I would really have loved to see you during Thanksgiving, however, this year, we can't afford the ticket for you to come with us." Yes, he would have felt like a dirtbag, and she would have been upset, but it would have been honest, and he would be treating her as someone he cared about enough to lose face with.
So, instead, he's decided to keep his pride and blame this on you; then emotionally blackmails you into being the bad guy by telling you that the truth will hurt her too much. Here's where I have to ask: IS THIS GUY FOR REAL? He couldn't be honest, and literally set you up, hoping you'd say no, so he was pretty comfortable with you being the bad guy all along. IN FACT, he CREATED the situation primarily to avoid responsibility and being a disappointment to your daughter,but was happy to shunt those roles onto you. Ugh.
If it were me, and it came up again, I would gently tell her the truth. If she wants proof, show her the email. If she doesn't want proof and is mad, let her be mad, and remind her that she's mad at her father and probably very hurt, and that everyone still loves her. At least she'll know that YOU aren't going to lie to her.
Speaking from my own experience with a very disappointing father, counseling may or may not be in order. Kids can get mad and then let go of it, or it sometimes sticks with them for a while. If she's royally mad, she might not want to see him during the Christmas holidays. Give her time to decide what she wants to do, let her know that this isn't an easy choice (if it comes to that) and try never to speak badly of your ex at other times. If he's such a heel, she'll figure it out on her own, when she's ready.
YOU HAVE TO GO WITH THE TRUTH!!!
I remember being a very emotional teenager and 13 was probably the start of it all. I remember my Stepdad being the "cool" one and always thinking my Mom was either always against me or just didn't know anything. I think teenage girls just tend to feel this way towards their Mothers and your DD not knowing the truth is going to effect the relationship between you two. In her eyes, this will just be another "evil" thing you've done to her. I would advise you to start off by letting her know you love her with all your heart and that it hurts you to have to show her the proof just as much as it'll hurt her to have to see it but, your bond with your daughter should not be sacrificed in order for her Father to end up looking like the Daddy of the year or a superhero who would love to take her to Virginia but, her evil Mom didn't allow it! Remember she will be heart broken so try to be sympathetic when you break it to her – you don't strike me to be anything other than a loving Mother who is only looking after her DD best interest.
Good luck and please let us know how you handled this.
I would suggest the following: tell your ex that either he can clear it up with his daughter and fess up and apologize to her, or you will show her the email, since you are not going to be willing participant in his lies.
I remember being 13, a kid of divorced parents and the only thing that was worse than having to deal with the tow household BS and the visitations was when either one (or both) of my parents lied to me. Honesty and integrity is such an important value for that age group.
He can soften the blow if he so likes. He can tell her that he got ahead of himself and just could not make it work (as in afford her ticket). He can say if was afraid that she would be mad at him, so he lied. She is 13. That is something that she can understand.
Make it clear to him that it will be better for her and for their relationship if he is honest with her. Knowing that her dad is human and made a stupid mistake is a lot better than thinking that he lied because he didn't want her around.
AND... if he can't fess up to it, that might be how you could tell her what happened...
Good luck!
This whole thing is way too convoluted.
Call your ex, and find out if she can go or not. FORGET about any prior emails or conversations -- they don't matter - just get the facts straight. If your ex says she can go -- great. If your ex says she can't go, ask him why not, and then ask him what he wants you to tell her. If it's money, then you tell your daughter she can't go because people can't afford the ticket. If it's some other reason, then maybe he will have to explain it to her.
This whole thing is some kind of "he said/she said" mess, and I don't think your daughter should be brought into it and shown emails. You guys need to all be grownups.
I wouldn't put it on yourself and take blame for something you didn't do. I would tell her that by all means you said yes to spending time with her dad, but there was a miscommunication in which ex-DH had thought you had declined permission. I wouldn't show emails, but if you want to take the high road and protect your daughter's feelings, I wouldn't throw her dad under the bus either. How much do you communicate with the new wife? Her I would send the email correspondence to and say something along the lines of "I had agreed to let DD go with you. Sorry about the misunderstanding. She hopes to see you and ex-DH soon." (But that's mainly because I woldn't want her thinking I was evil or trying to keep DD from her father either.
you should tell her the truth. why make him out to be the good guy when he was the one that said forget it. i would show my daughter because if you don't she will hold it against you for a long time to come. good luck!
At 13...why should you be the bad guy? I would tell her the truth.
I am really on the fence about this one. I don't think it was OK for them to paint you as the bad guy but it would only hurt her further by you showing her the email. A girl needs a healthy relationship with her father now more than ever and I don't think any good would come of you showing her the blatant rejection of her by her father.
You've gotten a million answers but here's mine...over all the situation just sucks. However, she is at the age where believing that you did this to her could really mess up your relationship with her. It sounds like she needs you more than her Dad who can't even be honest with her. I vote that you do what you need to in order to make sure that she has a strong relationship with you, the parent she can really count on. Her Dad screwed up...he needs to fix what he messed up...and if it's just a sign of many that he's not reliable, it's probably best that she learn that now when you are there to comfort and guide her through it rather than later when it may matter more and she's more on her own.
Good luck...no matter what, you've been put in a horrible situation...
-M
That is a tough one. I would have to agree with Jane M, I would talk to the ex about making plans with you before he brings your child so this doesn't happen again. He sounds like piece of work so make yourself clear this wont happen again. I feel so bad for your daughter.
While I believe in honesty, I also believe in protecting my children from being hurt. If you think it will hurt her, I wouldn't show it to her.
Ask the ex WHY she couldn't go. If it's reasonable and she would understand (money) then explain that to her.
Otherwise, I would just tell her you're sorry she didn't get to go and it was just a total mix up handled via email with misunderstanding between all parties. He thought you said "no" and you thought he had "changed his plans" and that you're sorry for the mix up.
I would then send an email reply to the ex from the email he sent you, and cc the new wife. Tell them how disappointed she was and how you don't appreciate being made out as the bad guy. Tell them you smoothed it over THIS time, but next time you may just let her know what a LOSER he is!
Good luck!
I vote truth. And more importantly- please be sure to update us!
I'm sorry for the sticky situation- nobody wins in these cases.
Maybe its as simple as he had already purchased the 4 tickets and then when you said yes he couldn't get a 5th ticket for the same flight??
I don't think I would tell her the whole truth. Tell her that you had said yes through email. Show her your response email if you want. I think its important for her to know that you wouldn't keep her from things like that.
If her dad's 'forget it' email says just that 'Nevermind, forget it', then I would probably show it to her and tell her that after talking to her dad that he had responded to you thinking he was responding about something else. It was just a misunderstanding. These things happen in the electronic world sometimes. Next time you'll be sure to talk to him on the phone about things like that.
I agree with the responses that say to tell her the truth/show her the 'proof'/the e-mails. He is playing to your guilt by telling you that YOU will devastate her by telling her. He is the one who made the poor decisions that caused this, not you. His lies and his trying to come out rosy are what caused this. He needs to man up, face his decisions and talk to his daughter. It's unfair for him to try to play weekend good guy and make you look like the mean one because his plan didn't turn out the way he expected it to. The other responses are right as well--she is 13; she's old enough to understand about people being truthful and what is right. If she was 4 or 5 maybe you would want to be more guarded with this situation. Best of luck, but better for her to know this is how he handles things than to blame you.
Looks to me like you are concearned about the ex-H more than about your daughter... Why don't you show the e-mail to her and discuss this whole issue after....?
Seems to me that she will be upset no matter who messed up. Makes sense that she should be upset at the right person. Show her the email. Don't take the fall for your ex's bad decision.
I feel for both of you. I think she knows you well enough to really know that you are honest with her. It sounds like you already have that relationship in tact and sealed. However, her dad is who she has the issue with and you are so sweet to want to keep her safe and secure with her feelings. She may really know already but just wants to believe and keep hope that her dad is a finer example than he really is or has shown. You really probably don't need to show it to her now but might want to keep it around for the future. I think if you keep the conversation open but not alive it may just settle and she may have the time to heal from this wound and you can re-visit this in a month or so when she is not as sensitive to it. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and it is so sad when our little ones are hurt..
Honesty is the most important thing in life - it doesn't have to be brutal, but it has to happen.
If your ex only gets 4 days a month, offer to let him have some more time this month. If $$ is an issue, pay for something yourself.
You can't let yourself be the scapegoat, but you can soften the blow to her - money is a factor, time is a factor - be generous.
If you don't think she will freak out, contact the wife and maybe do this together, explaining that the $ wasn't there this time, but - extra time this month with Dad will be, a ticket to VA for Easter will be there. . . show her how to be generous and gracious AND how to stand up for herself, she will see how you are turning the other cheek. This is an opportunity for you to teach her a life lesson.
Show her the email. The truth is ALWAYS the only way to communicate.
B.
Family Success Coach
Lots of great advice and I have to agree with the moms who says to show her the email. yes, your job is to protect your children, but a parent's job is also to teach our kids how to deal with issues. 13 years is not a baby anymore. Believe me, she sees it and gets more than you think.... Anyway, I suggest telling her gently; stay away from YOUR DAD lied etc.. rather, tell her that you believe her dad had good intentions but unfortunately it looks like he may not have thought things through.
After that, you can tell her that you will talk to her dad and if money is the issue, perhaps if she still wants to go then you'll help pay...just a few thoughts. All the best.
Here's another vote for honesty. Even if you "cover his @$$" which I am sure you have had to do before, it will turn around and bite you. Save the email but don't show her yet. If it becomes a bigger issue then show her. Your daughter will eventually figure things out on her own (IE her dad's a flake..or whatever) but you "going along with your ex" will only confuse her. Good luck, situations like this are so hard. I watched my mom go through it with my sister when my dad pulled BS like this.
I think your ex should be honest with your daughter or risk ruining their relationship or you may risk your relationship. If you stick with the situation being a misunderstanding how can you explain to her what the misunderstanding was. It is not fair of your ex to put you in this situation but on the other hand your daughter will be devastated with the truth which seems to me that he invited her to go you said yes dad changed his mind and no his wife and 2 daughters are going on a trip with her father while she has been uninvited!
