Help I Don't Know What to Do Anymore!!

Ok...so I thought that when you're in a relationship it's supposed to be a partnership. I see no partnership here.

You mentioned that he loves you and you love him. Hun, love is something that you DO...it's not a feeling. He does NOTHING to show he loves you. Redifine love and you'll get your answer.

You obviously want your children raised in a healthy atmosphere. How healthy is it to see a non believing father sit on his fanny all day and do nothing? Do you want your boys to be raised by a man who only shows you affection when he wants to get a "little"??

I find it ironic that you are catholic and his is athiest...and your sons are named Ezekiel and Damion.

I'd find some counseling, get right with YOU first...then make the decisions armed with all the information...good and bad.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi C.,

The end of your post explains ALOT - your husband's behavior is clearly modeled from what he has learned from his own family, unfortunately. You are right to be upset, but based on my experiences, that's not going to get you anywhere. Here's a funny video that explains the difference between men and women:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=0f72196d92a...

Most often guys are not being that way to be malicious or because they don't care, it's just what they know. There's an excellent book entitled "Don't Shoot the Dog" that gives some useful tips for trying to get dogs, husbands and kids to do what you want them to do.

I also support the other suggestion to find a MOPS group and to find a good church where you can get some support.

Also, if your parents family is willing to watch the kids once a week, you should try to find some time to spend with your husband and reconnect and see if the reasons you got together in the first place are still there. You may need counseling to get you both to a place you want to be in your marriage.

Sounds like you both need some help with communication and trust issues. I'm sure it's difficult to trust someonewho "leaves" you once a yea. I would suggest that you both seriously consider marital counseling. It will really help if you have a third party who is objective and can help you both communicate. He may not show his emotions, but he has them. The fact that he is hiding them is a warning sign. Most men who do not act out their frustrations will keep them until it's at a boiling point and then blow up.

If the relationship is worth saving and working on, and you both love each other, then counseling will work. If you belong to a church youay even be able to go for pastoral counseling at free or little cost. there are also health centers in your area that may offer free counseling.

Good luck!

I know you are frustrated. Some of the feelings you have really hit home with me too. It feels good to get it off your chest and vent a little. Especially when some of the people listening understand what you are going through. Men just don't understand. I have a great husband but he just doesn't get it!! I don't have any advice for you but I am always here if you need an ear!

C.,
Yep, the last of your post explains it all....

I would try to find a church that you could go to and maybe he would go to also at some point. If you're a dedicated Catholic then go to a Catholic church. If you're flexible, then I'd try a church like Fellowship Church in Grapevine (there are other locations too) or Irving Bible Church. They seem to be good churches for people to go to that have never gone to church and they don't scare atheists away.

With that said, I 2nd or 3rd the Christian counselling. You can get it for free. And you can join a MOPS group or other Christian women's group and they usually have free childcare while you meet.

I think you need Christ in your life and the rest will fall into place. Being a good man isn't enough to make him a good husband. Being a husband is hard work and maybe he's young and not ready but he helped make the babies so.... he needs to help!

This sounds like a DR.Phil show. Anyway, you are married to a very immature, self absorbed boy. He will not change unless he is willing to get some marriage counseling and even then he probably is too selfish to work at this. Look at the family that raised him. That is what you are married to. Good luck. It may be time to part ways. It sounds like you are practically a single Mom anyway.

Oh, honey, I feel for you. Your kids are close in age like my two oldest boys. The KIX all over the floor sounds like one of my boys' antics. I'm sure you've tried talking to your husband calmly about your feelings. It sounds like you need a good friend that you could swap kid duty with. You might also talk to your husband about counseling. If he won't agree, maybe you could go by yourself. I don't know if you go to church anywhere, but if you do, or are willing to, you could talk to the church staff about low-cost or no-cost Christian counseling. You could also look for a MOPS group near you for some time to rejuvenate with other moms. I wish I could help more. I hope you feel better soon.

I think alot of men have it in their minds that if they "bring home the bacon" they don't have to contribute anything else. Not all are this way--but some. I hope things get better for you guys--you really seem to love him alot. Just hang in there. He'll grow up someday hopefully. GOod Luck!

you could just flat out and tell him, look you aren't helping me and i am getting tired of doing it all by myself. I wasn't the only one who made this children and i am not going to be the only one to keep an eye on them either. I understand that he works and all, but so do you. Check into a mothers day out or if not, ask your mom to watch the kids and you go out with your girlfriends. I hope i wasn't being too harsh, but these husbands need to stand up and take responsibility also. I woulndn't even ask his parents anymore. why waste your time.

Yikes! Okay, first off...you do work...I am not sure what line of work your hubby is in but you probably work more than he does at times. You do not have 15min. breaks alone nor do you have a lunch hour to yourself/with your co-workers/friends. I agree with one of the other posters who said your hubby is probably just living what he knows....how it was in his home growing up (though it does sound like he has more of that to do). :) Now, with that said...it DOES NOT at all make it right. He needs to realize that you two are in this marriage together, you had kids together and you own a home together (or apt, same thing). What is with all of these games he plays? If he has enough time to do that, he should be taking that time to play with the kiddos while you get some time to yourself to either get things done around the house, excercise, go for a walk or just meet up with a friend. You need to have a talk with your hubby for sure about your relationship, his habits and how all of this is making you feel. No yelling or arguing or bringing anyone or any other "issues" into the conversation just cover the issues that bother you and also open it up to see if anything bothers him. If he is seeing that you are "giving up" in cleaning or anything else...maybe he is getting the same attitude. You guys need to open up conversation and talk about this. The only two people who will suffer later are your two sons. He needs to realize that he is passing these lazy behaviors and thoughts that your job is to do everything on to your two boys. The cycle will never end. When your boys get a bit older where they are playing games etc...you are going to start being more like a maid than a wife/mother. I wish you all of the best with this conversation and yes, counseling may be a good idea. He will go if he wants it to work. He can't possibly think that you will live like this forever with someone who bails out on his family when things get tough every few months. I really hope I did not upset you or offend you, I am just giving my opinion on your situation. Your husband needs a rude awakening on how to be a dad/husband/man.

wow. i know you love him but what your kids are seeing is no love. they are going to grow up thinking that is the way you are supposed to be. i cant believe that he doesnt help out. and men always think that we just sit on our butts all day long and do nothing. wish they could do what we do for a week they would be begging us to take over. haha. now on teh religion part. i think that you cant push your husbands feelings out the door. you married him adn had kids with him knowing he didnt believe in the same as you. so when it comes down to it you cannot change him and cannot expect him to not want to put out his views. i have a sister in law who is religious and her husband isnt and she has told him that their daughter is going to believe in god and he cant voice his opinion or talk about no god adn that isnt a relationship at all. he is the father too. you cant raise yalls kids the way you want them to be raised it has to be a team work. and i would consider going to counseling but not a christain or church counseling because that isnt going to get him to cooperate at all. you should both go to someone who isnt affiliated with church at all. that way your husband feels comfortable and cooperates rather then not giving his all. and i know what your husband is doing probably isnt right but you have to look at it this way because i am a stay at home mom and my husband works a lot in the summertime because we own an a/c company. he goes to work everyday and then gets home from a stressfull job to crazy kids and a wife who is throwing out needing him to do stuff. im not saying he is right but he probably feels like your not giving him a break adn you feel like he isnt helping. when my husband is working everyday long hours and gets home and goes on the computer and reads up on sports i let him because he goes out and busts his butt to make sure i get to stay at home with our son. i always have a beer ready for him to have when he walks in the door. it gives him time to relax. and hes not a crazy drinker but he likes a beer after a long days of hard work. maybe when your husband gets home from work you could get him an iced tea or something he loves and ask about his day adn go from their. but when you talk aobut needing help dont jump at him like a mom. and im not saying you do but i know thier for a while i was like that until i realized he has it just as hard as i do. hes jsut not taking care of a kid hes taking care of making enough money to support his family. now that has to be stressfull. well i hope that you guys work it out because you sound like you do love each other. just needs better communication. goodluck to you. and hopefully it will work out for yall adn your kids because they should see parents who show love so they know how to show love.

Hi my name is D. and I am new to this site. We have so much in common it is ridiculous. I am getting a divorce because I couldn't take the lack of support any longer. Like you I can count on one hand the times I have gone out with friends. I want you to know that your situation can get better, but only if you stand up for yourself. I neer stood up for myself. Everytime we would seperate Iwould blame myself and it really took a toll on me emotionaly and physicaly. My kids are 10, 5, and 4. Boy girl boy. We were high school sweethearts and eventually were married for five years to the day. Although it is a popular saying that Mothers are super heroes, we can't do it all. I could go on and on about all the things we have in common, but I know you don't want to read all that. I would love to get to know each other and be an ear for you to vent to. I know what it is like when you have all this pent up emotion/frustration and there isn't an unbais person to listen. Just so you know I am 28 and I too started my family young. Please write back because I think we could help each other. I am good listener, butI do not judge. Also please donot think that I am going to advicate divorce just because my marriage didn't work out. Take care and keep in touch. I am not sure where you live, but if you are close we could have play dates and go to the dollar movies or something. It is just a thought. TTFN

C.:

My heart goes out to you and your boys (and even your husband). I agree with the other moms that you should seek out a christian counselor and should plug into a church for some support. It would at least encourage you and help to instill good values into your boys outside of what you are teaching them.

I'd encourage you to read the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Smalley. It is an excellent book and teaches you ways to communicate your love to your husband in a way that he can understand. In doing this, you may be able to turn your relationship around and cause him to begin to understand you and how you need to feel loved. Understand that this may be a process that could take some time.

I also want to share with you my story... You can check it out on this site: www.freegiftforlife.com/me/DanaHixson

Please know that I will be lifting you up in prayer and asking Jesus to heal your marriage and restore you both to a healthy relationship with each other. Your marriage IS worth fighting for!

D.