Wedding and Religion

Hello K.,
Your family members and boss are partly correct about admission to the Sacraments, however, I believe that you can ask your pastor to bless your marriage, even if it is not performed in the Catholic Church. Before you make any decisions on whether or not to continue going to the parish, I highly suggest that you meet with your pastor. He can help answer questions that you have and address any concerns that you have about the suitability of the Catholic Church for you. Do you know what the word "Catholic" means? It means universal--it's for everyone because it is the one and only Church that Christ Himself established.

Is the reason that you are not having your marriage in the Church because of your concern for the expenses of having a church wedding? (I kinda thought that might be it since you mentioned about having to pay for it on your own and having a simple wedding.) A church wedding need not be a grand affair. Although it is recommended, you do not need to have a whole Mass with your wedding. You can simply have the Nuptial rite and have it as simple or grand as you desire. We got married straight out of college and my parish waived the fee that they normally charged and the music director very generously found musicians who were willing to perform at very little cost.

The process of returning to the Church is part of a spiritual journey, and it may be difficult at times, and sometimes you might not feel like you are on the right path, but I really do pray that you ask God for the strength to stay with it. I truly believe that your heart is in the right place, and that you long to return to the beauty of Christ's church. It is not necessary for you to come to full understanding and agreement all at once. It will take time--lots of time, but rest assured, that once you complete your journey home your fellow Catholics will rejoice with you in welcoming you home!

"Beloved, do not be surprised that a trial by fire is occurring among you, as if something strange were happening to you. But rejoice to the extent that you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that when His glory is revealed you may also rejoice exultantly"-1Peter 4:12-13

Blessings,
K.

** I'm suppressing my urge to reply to everyone who is bashing the Church but will only say that everyone who has left the Church (yes, it is difficult to be Catholic in a world that is so opposed to Catholicism) has rationalized their decision and can state their reasons for departure ad nauseum. No one ever promised us that following God would be easy and I think that the Catholic Church has a deep understanding of Christ's sacrifice and how we can participate in that redemptive suffering and sacrifice.**

If you don't agree with the religion 100 percent, then are you really that religion?

Personally, I don't think its anybody's business but your own, what you do or don't do.

I didn't read all the comments....30 WOW! You can see that people can be passionate about this type of thing, rightfully so.

What I am a bit bothered by, is the inaccurate information you are getting about the Catholic Church. Perhaps some of these posters had a strange experience, or heard something weird from someone, but the only way to get accurate information is to go to the source. Find a solid priest who is loyal to the Pope, and ask any question under the sun and have him help you through this process. Be open and honest as there isn't anything they haven't heard before, and probably worse!

Good luck to you. I hope you base your decisions on fact, not on the opinions of others who may have had a strange experience. For a decision of this magnitude, do a little research for facts, not opinions. Just my .02. For every one weird thing, there's probably a hundred more that truly felt the work of God in their lives, through the Catholic Faith. God Bless.
~sahmatwork

Follow your heart. Speak with your priest and be very honest with him, so he can be honest with you.

I was raised Catholic until they allowed my father to have his and my moms marriage annulled after 13 years of marriage. It was interesting because we asked if there was no marriage what did it make me and my sister?

The church said "oh no, you are still in good standing".. ??? What about all of the rules we had followed ? They were flipped on its head. They allowed my father to remarry through the church!

They do not believe in birth control pills. They actually "educate" women and men that they cause "abortions"? Of course we know this is not true. Once they tell you one lie, you begin to question everything..

They do not believe religion has a menu where you can pick and choose. It is all or nothing so we picked nothing with them.

If you want to be apart of the Church, you should honor and respect its rules and traditions......you will find that if you do, you will be all the more engrossed in the Church and your own faith. I would sit down and talk to a priest about all of this. Explain where you are coming from and where you want to go. You could also take a RCIA class that is designed to explain the Catholic faith, tradition and history to those who are interested in joining the Church or just want to learn more.

You are either Catholic or you are not Catholic. You cannot pick and choose which rules you will follow. If you do not believe in all of the things that the Catholic Church teaches then research another religion to see if that better matches your beliefs.

If you do not get married in a Catholic Church your marriage will not be recognized by the Catholic Church. Your boss (who by the way is NOT harrassing you - just reminding you of the obligations of practicing Catholics) is partly correct. If you are not married in the Church's view then you are living in sin (sex before marriage) and hence cannot participate in Holy Communion. However, I would highly recommend that you do a penance (go to Reconciliation) and talk to a priest about your situation. You should ask the priest what you need to do to prepare to marry in the Church if this is what you decide that you want to do.

The Catholic religion is very fulfilling if you open your heart to all the things it has to offer. Every "rule" is put in place for a specific reason which gets it's origin from the Bible. If you research them (or ask a priest or go to RCIA classes) you will understand more fully why. These "rules" are more like "tools" to help you guide your life in a way that will lead you to Heaven.

It sounds like you have already experienced some fulfillment and found some beauty in the Catholic faith from the retreat you were on so my advice is to take the next step and find the truth before dismissing the Catholic Church as too "hardcore".

Do your research and follow your heart. Pray and God will lead you on the path that He wants you to follow.

I am a former catholic but still have plenty of catholic family members - one who goes so far to tell my daughter every chance she gets that she is praying for us to find our way back to God! We switched church's - we didn’t denounce God! My response to any of the "questions" about why we switched is "When we get to heaven God does not ask us what church we attended - he ask us if we knew him." In my heart of hearts I believe what the bible says, not some guy called the pope who changes the rules to suit the changing times. So my answer to you would be do what feels right to you. Pray about it - He'll answer.

I believe you need to comfortable in your church and in your faith. Most rules are man-made anyway. I believe if you live by the commandments (God's rules) those are the important rules to live by and have a happy life.I belong to the Lutheran church, similar, but different. My husband teases me about being a "confused Catholic". You may want to look into it. We have friends who were Catholic but have joined the Lutheran church. You never know unless you check it out. Same goes for the other churches. God has a way of guiding us to where we are suppose to be and are happy. Good Luck.

You have gotten a lot of comments and advice! I think that it's great that you came back into the Catholic church. I wonder if you are having trouble with the "rules" because you don't understand where the church is coming from. I agree with a lot of the things Dana K. mentioned as well. I believe that faith and religion are ongoing and that it's something we have to maintain. It takes time. If you don't pray and have a relationship with God, then maybe you should start there. Other than that, I would say read up and study the Catholic faith. It is so much easier to follow the church's teachings when you understand where they come from. Then it just all makes sense! I actually have a great book called "How to survive being married to a Catholic" , which is super funny and informative at the same time. It was given to my hubby, by my sister when we got married, and I actually got as much out of the book as he did! Good luck to you with everything.

No, I don't think you should be in this church if you can't follow their rules as they may shun you for your 'lack of faith'.
I don't know much about Catholics, but my in-laws were raised Catholic & now they have not religion because of all the 'rules'. My main question is: why did you lose your faith or deviate from your religion before to come back? I am a Christian & through my in-laws I have seen how difficult Catholic life can be. I would suggest looking at why you left your Catholic life & look into Christianity. Yes, we have rules, but they aren't rituals (ex. the rosary) & we don't care if you have been married before. The annulment is just another ritual that is unnessasary for your salvation. We have communion & babtisims. God still loves you even if you don't do all the rituals, he just wants you to love others, love yourself & follow his commandments (not rituals made by man).
Search your heart & pray about what you should do.

God bless!

As a cradle Catholic I am somewhat offended about what some of the other posters are saying about the Catholic faith, but everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion and we've all had our own experiences that form those opinions.
All faiths have "rules." All faiths have leaders that are easy to know and some that aren't so easy. The thing about the Catholic faith is that you don't just sign up. If you want to really be Catholic, you must go through the RCIA program, which takes about a year. That program culminates in a beautiful ceremony at Eastertime. I've had several friends go through the program. You aren't supposed to take communion or participate in any of the sacraments unless you have done this. Additionally, since you and your fiancee have both been married before, getting married will also prevent you from participating in the sacraments unless you go through the annulment process.
I was away from church as a teenager (those pesky rules!), but I came back when I got married and became pregnant. I wanted my children to be raised to know right from wrong and the Catholic faith was what I knew. At 55, I am proud to be Catholic. I've been divorced and am now remarried, but I have never been comfortable with the idea of switching religions.
Now, to your question about it being okay to be involved in the Catholic faith. I think it's great to attend services there and be a part of the parish. You might consider looking into the RCIA program if you want to make the commitment. I don't believe you'll be able to get married within a month in the Catholic Church; however, if you and your husband decide later that you want to do so, I'm sure your parish priest could tell you what you would need to do, and would be glad to marry you in a ceremony later.What I would stress is, do what you feel comfortable with. I personally do not believe that being a member of one faith or another is required for a person to be a child of God. Best of luck, and God bless you!

If you both have been married before, I would be surprised if a Catholic church would marry you. I think that your boss is right about not being able to participate in communion, because it is a second marriage. However, if everyone in church followed all the catholic rules, there wouldn't be many people participating. You really should talk about to your priest if you are worried. Just remember having a laid back perspective about the Catholic religion is not the same as having a laid back perspective about God.

I have a friend who joined the catholic church "officially" after she had been married. They just had a simple ceremony at Sunday mass. Stay involved to see if you want to be there for the long haul, but don't feel like you have to get married there yet. I am sure if you talked to the priest he would rather have you confident in your decision to join the church than feeling as though you jumped in.

I'd like to start out by saying I think it's really unfair so many posters on here are trying to dissuade you from Catholocism. It seems you've made your choice and your happy with your religion and I kind just don't think some of these responses has anything to do with what you're asking! Sorry, just my opinion!! ;)
I think if you're happy with this new, more laid back congregation you should stay there. Although, that sort of brings me to my other point, which is if you're so happy with this priest and these people, why wouldn't you want to get married there? Many don't abide by all the rules all the time, regardless of what religion or denomination you are, but if you have a relationship with your priest, talk to him about your concerns, but know that he's probably going to encourage you to marry within the church, because honestly, that's his job.

Amy and Kelverge's responses echoed many of my feelings. I grew up in a predominantly Catholic area, my father's side of the family is Catholic and I married into a Catholic family. I am NOT Catholic. Their rules and teachings are not for me. I witnessed a lot of discrimination against non-Catholics based upon what the Catholic churches were teaching. I don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just mentioning that these exist. Maybe that was unique to my area, I don't know. Anyway, I followed my mother's side of the family and am Lutheran. I feel I have a good relationship with God, I worship in a very friendly church that teaches love and compassion and the word of God in a joyous environement. I am comfortable there. If you aren't going to embrace the rules of the Catholic church, I would look for another church. I believe you can have different levels of involvement and maybe a somewhat laid back perspective but there are certain rules you are not going to be able to get around, such as those regarding requirements to be married in the Catholic church. Best wishes to you!

I second what Amy said. I go to a non-demoninational church (www.lifechurch.tv) at the Forth Worth campus. It's wonderful! ;)
My husband's family is episcapalian (sp?) which is pretty similar to Catholic. I don't understand the rules and ceremonies and such. It may seem to me personally that you would be happier in a more non-traditional church. You should check out some other options.

Let me start by saying I am not Catholic. God is full of Grace and Mercy for us all. As long as you are happy where you worship, you accept God and His laws- not some man made religious laws, you are free to make your own choices. Do not let someone, who is most likely hipocritical in their own lives, try to sway you. You and your fiance and God know what is right for you too. I see too many times in our human world where we imposse man made ideology into our religion. Just accept Gods grace and do His will in your life and be happy. My prayers are with you and your family for a long life of happiness.

'Believe not because some old manuscripts are produced, believe not because it is your national belief, believe not because you have been made to believe from your childhood, but reason truth out, and after you have analyzed it, then if you find it will do good to one and all, believe it, live up to it and help others live up to it.'

"Buddha"

I have a lot of respect for Buddhists.

I find this ridiculous....just look at all of the hypocrisy in the church. You cant be involved or take communion if you dont have the priest marry you but they can be priests doing what they have been doing?? Now to your question....you have to do what works for you and your future husband not what others want you to do. What do you guys want?..thats your answer.

If your pastor is fine, and it's just your Catholic acquaintences that are giving you a hard time, stay with the church you are happy with. They are not experts. It sounds like your pastor is dealing with your situation (re divorce, etc.) in a mature fashion. If these people are troubling you, I would talk to your pastor about it, about your feelings of being a "poseur", etc. It sounds to me like you are on a journey in your faith, and that you are serious about THAT. Rules have changed within the church itself, and "old schoolers" have a hard time with that. Take THEM with a grain of salt, and deal directly with your pastor. He may even have suggestions as to how to get these other people off your back and out of your business. Personally, I don't think your boss needs to be discussing this kind of thing with you in a judgemental way, as it's not really appropriate conversation (unless it took place in a non-biz situation), but that's just my opinion.

Good luck, and enjoy your journey!

This is why I'm not Catholic :)

I personally feel that access to God requires no special prayers, special peoples or special ceremonies.

Although - to answer your question... the Catholic church sees things much differently, and although it is not right, fair or even accurate - to stick to the regulations of sacrament and what not... it won't be okay.

No matter how nicely anyone says it to you... it will always be a 'No'.

Christianity is so much more about the personal connection a person has with God than it is about following along in regulated services, saying certain prayers a certain amount of times for certain sins, and going through a third party to have a personal relationship with God.

Research Catholicism a little more before you really plug in. If you have a really laid back view of God and spirituality - the Catholic church may not be what you have in mind.

I know many wonderful, ...fantastic really - Catholics and I love them dearly but I don't agree and wouldn't join a Catholic church because of my own laid back views on God and spirituality.

Just my two cents.

I am also Catholic, but I come and go, partly because I believe that abortion should be legal. I called the priest at the church and talked to him at length about abortion and whether I should find a new church. We had a really interesting discussion--I was surprised by how little he knew about the facts on the other side of the issue and how willing he was to have an open discussion. At the end of our conversation I said, so can I come, can I take communion. And he asked me, "is the only thing you believe in abortion?" And I said, of course not and he said I had answered my own question. By the way, I got married in a theatre because my husband is not religious and I respect that choice a great deal--so I say follow your heart!

Your boss was right about taking communion, you will not be able to take it. I think if I were you I would find a different church, one that believes the same things as you do. I would not completely stop taking to the pastor or the ladies from the retreat, since you like them so much. Just let them know you want to learn how to have a relationship with God. Not how to follow all of their "rules." Pray about it, God will answer you! Hope you get the answers that you need.

I tend to look for the rules of life in the Bible, not in the church. For some reason, Catholics have a really hard time letting go of those rules and laws and still worshiping Christ. Catholicism also doesn't really stress reading the bible or bible studies. (I was "raised" in a Catholic church.) I strongly suspect that you would be happier in a non denominational church which teaches what Christians SHOULD do, not what they shouldn't. God bless!

Follow your heart. Love is the ONLY rule that is worth following under the name of God.

I was raised Catholic and left that religion about 20 years ago because I felt like there was something I was missing. It wasn't until about 5 years ago when I joined a non -denomination church that I realized the problem. The problem was that the Catholic Church was (at that time) full of a whole lot of man made rules that were NOT in the Bible. There is a big difference between biblical absolutes (rules installed by God) and church convictions (rules installed by man) Once you know the difference, you can make an educated decision on what church you want to belong to.

You have to decide what it is you want and where you can best find it. Back then, my mom was divorced and she was not allowed to participate in ANY sacraments and that is what drove her to leave the catholic church too.If you decide to belong to this church, you will have to live with their rules.

I am happy to say that you can find a relationship with God in many places. It will help you in the long run if you know Gods word for yourself. Then you will be able to tell which church is preaching the word of God and which church is off the beaten path.

I wish you luck in your search.

T.

i am a practicing catholic and know that my Grandsons wife having been married before had to have her first marriage annulled by the church before either of thme could take holy communion.
You should schedule a meeting with the pastor of the church and talk to him about your concerns.
I am sure you will be happy in the church after you fully understand the teachings
I am a convert myself and have always been very happy about my conversion
Good Luck
K.

I really like the answers in here. You have to do what you need to and it would be a shame to lose all those friends over something so small. As far as your boss giving religious advice, that is harassment on some level.

Some days I see religion like running. If you were to run a marathon and then insist that all your friends should do the same, they'd think you a little weird. Likewise if they impose all their standards on you, it's a little pretentious and can make for some uncomfortable situations.

If they were to read their bible a little more, and study the way the Savior himself was inclined to invite people to the gospel, it was much more inviting, and had much more dignity to it than imposing his standards on others. He preached to those who came to listen, he healed those who asked it of him, and to the unrighteous pharisees he did not come, though he handled their questions with the expertise of being God. He was not pressing His agenda on them, they were pressing theirs on Him. Which do you think was right?

Well, if that's the rules of that church, then you should be prepared to follow them for the most part if you want to join. Otherwise you'll feel guilty about it because you'll be breaking their rules. And churches are big on making you feel guilty when you don't follow the rules.

But it's not like you actually have to join the church or anything. Do whatever you want. Religion is a highly personal thing. In the end every group's rules seem kind of silly to someone from the outside. If you want to attend church, just find one you like that has rules you can live with without feeling guilty or silly.

I agree-talk to the pastor about the wedding. Of course continue to go to the church if that is what you want.
As far as not following the rules, I personally cannot find Biblical basis for many of them. So I would advise you to study your Bible.
Good luck and best wishes on your wedding.
Victoria

I am not Catholic. My dad was and my husband was...

You really ought to talk to the parish priest of this new church you have found. He can guide you. Perhaps you can get your marriage blessed by the Catholic church and pledge to raise your children in the faith?

If the question is a technical one; meaning, is it true you cannot receive communion...The answer is morally Yes-communion is prohibited to you . But technically.... You could march right up there and request communion and the priest; if he didn't know any better about your state of grace, he'd give it to you. On the other hand, he might say No in front of the entire congregation.

Maybe there is another loophole. If you simply achieve your state of grace by confessing each week that you are still not married in the eyes of the church and continue to live in sin...Perhaps your confessor can just give you acts of contrition every week which bumps you back to state-of-grace which makes you eligible to receive communion.

I guess my point is this, does feeling like you have to lie to participate and feeling like a bad person, make the new friends you have found worth it? If so, stay put and accept your loss of communion. If not, try another church and another and another. If you found one you like you are bound to find another.

I consider marriage to be a partnership and promise between you and your spouse... If your spouse is not Catholic or isn't a participating Catholic, then I don't think you should get married under a religion that only one of you can participate in or which only applies to one side of the marriage.

I didn't read all the answers but here are my thoughts: I, too, have a laid back perspective on spirituality and didn't go to church growing up and didn't really have a "religion" although I knew I was Christian. My husband is Catholic and I thought it would be easier raising children with one religion, so I decided to become Catholic. We didn't want to wait for me to go through the RCIA program before we married, so we had our wedding with an "old" Catholic priest (sacraments not recognized by the Catholic church) and then 6 months later we were married in the Catholic church with just two witnesses (my in-laws) one afternoon.

I got my outdoor wedding which is the anniversary date that we celebrate (I figure we were still married in front of God) and we satisfied his very Catholic mom with our church wedding. The priests at our new church loved me and my husband just had to do penance for "living in sin" those 6 months. LOL!

I say do your simple wedding and then later have it blessed in a separate ceremony in the Catholic church with a couple of witnesses and then go out to dinner afterwards. Although you mentioned that you were married before, if both of you were divorced you may have to get those annuled before having your Catholic ceremony. So, if it is too much to get those annuled, you might want to become Catholic after you're already married. Because aren't your "sins" forgiven from the past once you become baptized?

Good luck!

Oh my you got a lot of responses. I am strongly faithful, and I do agree in much of the catholic faith but I also study the bible and find that there is much I don't agree with also. Faith and having a good relationship with in your church is important, but if you don't follow "the rules" in the catholic church there is a lot you cannot do, such as communion and various other "benefits" You could explore the Lutheran faith base, Methodist is a step down from there, both stem directly from Catholicism. It is great to have a church you are comfortable with but there are some expectations that go along with it. Hey you could move to Wichita and you would fit in with 75% of the population. Here it is not hard to live the faith when most of your friends and neighbors are among the same. Keep exploring your faith and get involved with other activities in the church and get the kids involved and you will feel better in becoming more...Whatever fits you best.