Can a Couple with Different Spiritual Beliefs Have a Successful Marriage?

Absolutely...I know many couple with different religious beliefs. For this to work, the main thing that has to be in place is respect and support for one another's beliefs.

Honestly, I think it's harder to have grown up in very different socio-economic brackets than to have different religious beliefs....unless one of you is a fundamentalist (a fundamentalist ANYTHING)....

yes, if you are willing to accept that you have different beliefs and compromise when necessary. A former coworker, raised Roman Catholic, married an Orthodox Jew. They each accepted that the other had different beliefs and worked together to raise their kids with the knowledge of each's religions and beliefs. They worked to make their marriage strong. They each occasionally participated in special services at each others places of worship but did not try to force the other to convert. They would have "friendly" arguments about little things but did not let it interfere on the marriage level. Their wedding even had a little of both.

It depends.

I'm going to give you a negative viewpoint because the reasons are worth considering. You'll have to decide what decision you make.

If both people are not opposed to one another's beliefs, it might work, because those beliefs are evidently not a central factor in the life of either person.

However, if both (or even one) are very strong in their own beliefs, there is going to be conflict, especially when children come along.

You see this with politics - I'll bet you know Democrats who simply couldn't marry Republicans, and vice versa! Their political stands are really that important to them. Marrying someone who didn't see things the same way would be an agony to them.

Here's an old illustration: imagine two people in love, each of them on his/her own separate raft in the middle of the ocean. Each raft is made of planks, each representing something the person believes is important - about politics, religion, money, and other significant values. The waves and the storms batter the rafts, and the rafts bump one another a lot, and sometimes a plank falls off. However, they're planks that can afford to be lost, because they're not the most crucial ones; the central planks are still there to keep the raft afloat. But... if the two people don't have the same *central* planks, one of them is either going to go under or will have to jettison his/her planks and raft entirely.

Bottom line: different/conflicting beliefs are compatible in marriage only if the beliefs don't matter a whole lot to either one to begin with.

Yes, it is absolutely possible. My husband and I have very different spiritual beliefs. We are cool with each others' faith practices and it works out fine. We talk sometimes about religion and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we attend each others' religious services and sometimes we don't. Mostly we leave each other to do our own thing. This was not the case in his previous marriage. His then-wife was very uncomfortable with his beliefs and even though he went to church with her faithfully, it really wasn't enough for her, she wanted him to believe it too.

I think for us, the key is really being respectful and letting the other person do their thing. Neither of us tries to change/convert the other, or puts any pressure on the other to do anything differently, or ridicules, or trash talks.

However, I think if one party goes into the relationship "praying" that the other will change or convert eventually, after enough time, then you're setting yourself up for failure (not to mention being really disrespectful, IMO). You know what they say about not marrying a man hoping to change him? This is just another one of those areas where that adage applies.

The problem of differing religions often comes up when children come along. We are exposing our daughter to both of our traditions as well as others. We had a blessing ceremony for her in my church but not an actual baptism because he wanted her to choose her own path for herself when she's older. Talking about each of your expectations and being very open and clear is important. I wish you luck!

AFTER READING OTHER RESPONSES:

I would like to know what you think.

My honest opinion is NO, you may stay married until death, but if you believe in your faith and whether he has a spiritual belief or has none, one or the other will always be hoping and/or praying that their spouse will be saved or things will change. Sometimes love is not enough.....I wish it was, but it is not.

Sandy,

More info.....(for example, you are a Christian and your boyfriend is a Buddist)?

My husband is an atheist and I am not. The time we met & dated & got married, I was a practicing Catholic (I am no longer).

I now attend the Unitarian Universalist Church, which respects all religions and teaches, instead of a creed, the 7 principles:
* The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
* Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
* Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
* A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
* The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
* The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
* Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
(for more info http://www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml)

My DH supported me when I was Catholic (he is nominally Catholic), and supports my participation in the UU community in our area, though he's not a member. He also believes in the 7 principles, though he does not attend services.

I think why it worked for us is
a) I do not believe that "G-d" sends people to hell for not believing in a particular creed; I think that "G-d" would rather we treat each other with love & kindness REGARDLESS of our beliefs;
b) my DH respects my beliefs, and I respect his;
c) we each value the inherent worth of each person (the first time I heard the 7 principles, it resonated with me)

I think that if you feel that a person must believe X to be "saved" or similar black and white approach to religion, then you will have a hard time being married to a person who is not also practicing the same faith, because it would be hard to be married to someone who thought was going to hell.

Sure can! My husband is religous and I am not. I am aethist. But I respect his beliefs and he mine. I am completely open to letting my son choose what he wants. As my parents did for me. They never pushed religion on me, and instead it was something I saught out to learn more about. As an adult I made the choice to believe as I do. Like I said, I respect the beliefs of others and of my husbands family. I have attended church with them many times.
Also, a girlfriend of mine is Jewish and her husband is Catholic. They celibrate both holidays as they come. They have made it work with no problem. Its really just a matter of respect and open mindedness. I hope this helps you and I hope you work through your troubles with the subject.

yes, my marriage is successful and he is atheist but i definitely believe in God. I think children born within a marriage like this actually have a benefit of getting alternate perspectives, they are likely to be more religious with their convictions because they will be honored with the education and the chance to choose their own path. My husband and i may disagree but we are respectful about our alternate beliefs.

Yes, my Hubby and I do.
Nothing is ever perfect, but we have been married 13 years.

Our kids know too.
Its fine.
We teach them, everyone is simply different.
Not 'right' or 'wrong.
And when they are older, they can decide for themselves.... for what THEY believe.
My Daughter already has her own spiritual beliefs. She has since she was very young.

My husband and I are both Christian so I can't answer from personal experience but our friends, both in their early 60's and married for 40+ years, are a mismatched pair - she is a very devout Catholic and he's an. . . atheist. And a very hardcore atheist at that. I would say the key to their very happy marriage is respect. She doesn't badger him about going to church and he doesn't ridicule her faith. Grace is said before meals and he bows his head and is respectful. From an outsider's perspective it seems like a non-issue, although I would expect that they've had their struggles over the years. I think it can work although really, marriage is hard enough, especially when the kids are small. I'm glad I'm not struggling with that issue. Hope this helps!

My husband and I practice different religions. There are some similarities and some differences in our beliefs. We sometimes attend rituals/ceremonies/services together, sometimes without the other, depending on the circumstances.
The main thing is that we both recognize that the other has his/her own relationship with the Divine, and that it isn't our place to try to convert each other.

I would say that the odds are WAAAYYYY Against it.
For those who said that if the parties aren't very strong in their beliefs, then it might work, left out another facet.... Even those who are NOT very strong in their beliefs, if they were raised with ANY beliefs, they will more often than not, strengthen those beliefs when the children come along.

I think that the only time there would not be terrible conflict, would be if there were NO children. Then, each is doing what they want. But when there are kids...somebody is going to have to agree that what THEY believe is not what they want their children to believe. Good luck with that.

If one party was completely uncaring one way or the other about what happens with their kids (i.e., you believe thus, and I am perfectly fine with you indoctrinating our children in that, even though I don't believe any of it, and I am also fine with you celebrating all the major religious holidays and festivals of your chosen religion so long as you never try to drag me to any of them and I am fine being left behind while you take the rest of the family and go off to do this) AND the party who IS practicing their chosen religion with the kids, is fine NOT trying to convert and drag the other party along... and the kids don't ask too many questions about why mom or dad doesn't participate.

Personally, as a Christian, I think that when you marry, you become one. Unless you share the same faith, I don't see how you can become one.

yes... Think that they can. However, you probably will have a difficult time if one of you believes the other is "going to hell". You can see the world differently. but still believe in the inherent "goodness" in one another. Also, I think it is not wise to marry a person if you are planning to spend the rest of your life trying to convert them ... or dissuade them from what they already believe. We don't get married to people we hop to change, instead we marry people "as is". Sure, nobody is perfect... but we have to be able to mutually accept each other as life partners.

My husband and I have different spiritual views... but we both believe we are "good" people, and we stand by one another- even when we disagree.

Of course it can!!! As long as both parties do not foist their ideas on the other. My husband and I don't agree on religion, politics, and a whole truckload of issues, and we get along great. We never try to be right, convert/convince the other, and we respect that we "are both right" whether or not we agree. I dig out Michael Moore movies and watch them with the kids...he takes them hunting. I am out saving the world, and he is back saving a dime. I have come to understand that I love him even with his "misguided" (JK :) theories. Our kids see both sides of the coin, and it is kind of neat to see them work through the black and the white of issues and forming their own "gray."

Different denominations, no prob, if both are willing to accept each other's views. Like protestant and catholic can be an issue, but doesn't have to be if the protestant is cool becoming catholic or if the catholic believes in God but is more nominal about what church they go to. Different faiths, like hindu and christian, jew and mormon, probably not. Really depends on how wide the rift in views is. Good luck...

It depends on the faiths and how deep they are. My DH was partially raised in a church, but his family left the church for various reasons when he was a kid so he didn't really grow up with a church home. He has his beliefs that are similar to mine, but not as deeply held as mine. He had no problem getting married with my pastor or having our child baptized in my church or me taking her to Sunday School. He comes on big holidays and at my request (so Easter, Christmas, special events). Our 2 yr old has been asking him to come with us so we are planning on a future Sunday for him to do so. I'm not saying it's always easy (I would like to have him with me more) but it works pretty well for us. It really takes mutual respect and an agreement about how your home will be run and children raised.

Hi!
I grew up in a home where my parents had different beliefs and I believe it was difficult on me and my brother. For one thing, we could ask questions of which ever parent we wanted a specific answer from. So, if my mom was against a certian movie, we could as my dad and he would say yes. Now, part of that was communication, but the truth is, if your beliefs are different, where you stand as a parent will be different too unless you're not really hard core on your beliefs in the first place.
From my stand point, I would say start praying!! Ask God for some wisdom on this one. Divorce isn't fun for anyone, and I'm sure God could help you out, but it's just a longer harder road.

Many blessings!!

I'm LDS and my husband is Atheist. It works for the most part. He's willing to allow me to raise the children how I want, which is a big help. He is also willing to "go along" with prayer and stuff like that for the kids sake. I think it's going to get a little more complicated as the kids get older and start asking questions, but I think it will be okay. As long as your significant other is open and willing to allow you to practice your faith and you are open to allowing him to practice his, AND you have a plan in place as to how to raise the children, then it will work out fine.

IMO that really depends on the religions of the people involved and how into it they are. If you are merely talking "spritiual" like one believes in God and the other doesn't...that wouldn't be too bad. But if you are talking say observant Catholic and Observant Jew-then I would say there are problems....my friends in this situation have had many problems-most coming from their famiies and mostly the jewish families.

why not? If you've fallen in love with someone, I presume you've fallen in love with the whole person (heart & soul) wouldn't their religion (or lack of) be a part of that? The real question is how would you raise the children?, my husband and I agreed the children would choose for themselves. This hasn't happened yet in our family, but my daughter is now asking to go to church because her cousins talk about it. I think if my religion were more strict and exclusive of those outside the faith, then maybe it would be a problem. Good luck.

I think it depends on the strength of your spiritual beliefs. I think many of the women below have families where faith must not be ultra important. For me, personally, there was NO way I could have married someone who was not a Christian. Church is extremely important to me, I believe strongly in my faith, and if I had a spouse who didn't support that or didn't believe it would be much harder to get my children to (studies show that if Dad doesn't believe in the faith, then it is MUCH more difficult to get the kids to).

I know two different families where the mom is Christian and the dad is a Jew. Both women have very hard times knowing that their husbands will never get to heaven (based on Biblical teachings, I'm not trying to preach here), and they have had difficulty getting their kids actively involved with the church. Both dads are supportive, but because these women are stronger in their faith, they have a much harder time with it than women whose husbands believe. Their marriage may be fine on the outside, but they are trying to live a Man, Woman, God type marriage with men who don't want to be a part of it. (Both men are non-practicing Jews.)

I think you need to evaluate how strongly you believe what you believe and decide on whether or not you would be willing to give up some of your beliefs for your spouse. It is difficult to grow and mature in your faith when you don't have someone beside you helping you along...

It depends if the nonspiritual/ nonreligious one is respectful and willing to allow the spiritual one to teach children to believe as they do. If not, then the spiritual/ religious one will be gut wrenchingly sick about the marriage and the outcomes of their children's spiritual life. For some who believe in God, there is no significant actions that go along with that belief, or if so it is minimal, like observing holidays. But for others, their beliefs require a great deal of observance that shows up in everyday actions and decisions and the clash that can cause is heart wrenching to the believer and the unbeliever. A lot depends on the specifics which you have not provided. It also depends on your definition of successful. Yes it can be successful in that you can stay together, act civil, come to an understanding, and choose to live certain aspects of your life apart from one another. I thank God every day I did not marry the man I loved dearly, because I know it would have tormented me to be a Christian married to a nonbeliever. Even now my Christian husband and I have theological differences and thats hard enough. You have not let us know who is the spiritual/religious one, but its not going too far out on a limb to guess its you. I say that because it is the spiritual / religious one who suffers the most in these relationships. Especially in the department of how to raise children. Yes your marriage can succeede. But one of you or both of you will feel that you are deeply missing the bond that comes from sharing the same beliefs. Not to mention that beliefs can also really trickle down into world view. There is going to be some loneliness there, no doubt. But there can also be love and respect. But the most likely scenario is that the spiritual one will compromise, even be lead away from God for the sake of peace in the family. Therefore the question for the believer is, can I maintain my relationship with God in this marriage? Can I put God first when its so much easier to compromise? My best to you and your significant other. I assume you are already married since you have children together. Yes, I think you can have a good marriage and hopefully the believer with Gods help, can also retain their faith.

but as I read I notice it is usually the nonspiritual one who says yes it is possible. I bet if you were to ask the spouses of those responders you'd get a slightly different story. That is because It is the believer who suffers most. It is the believer who cannot express the deepest longings, and thoughts to their spouse or to openly without discomfort teach their children as they believe in day to day scenarios. But there is no choice you have to make. If you are married, its a make it work kind of thing.

Yes!!
As long as the love is true and strong everything else is the details.!
Also there has to be a mutual understanding and respect for each other beliefs.
I think differences can enhance a marriage,it makes way for very interesting conversations.
Even though me and hubby have the same religion we come from different race and cultures and after 5 yrs of marriage we are still happy in love.
All the best
B. k

When I started dating my husband we actually discussed religion/beliefs, very early in the dating process. I had dated men who could not deal with the fact that I am agnostic. I grew up Christian and lost faith a long time ago so please no reprimand on my beliefs.

Husband is a non practicing Buddist. As we had children and moved closer to family. My A. asked if our daughter would like to attend church. She said yes. For the last three years my daughter attends church with my family and enjoys every minute of it. Therefore we celebrate Christian holidays and respect her choice. While my husband and I stand firm on our own beliefs we are by no means keeping Christianity away from our kids. At family functions we both bow our heads in respect of our families.

We have made it work as we set 'groud' rules. It can easily work you just have to be prepared that you won't always get your way, your religion first. You can't expect him to have an open mind if you do not as well.

Absolutely! Now my marriage is far from perfect, but our different religions have not been the problem at all. He is Jewish and I am Catholic. Raising my children as Catholic was a deal-breaker for me, so he agreed to that before we even started dating seriously. But although our children are being raised Catholic (including weekly Mass, religious education, and receiving sacraments) I am very respectful towards and embracing of their Jewish heritage. We celebrate all of the holidays, and my kids go to a memorial service at a temple once a year. If my husband were active in his faith and if we were members of a temple, we would worship there on a regular basis and go to high holidays, but my husband doesn't really practice his religion. I think that's too bad, because I think that he misses out by not having a spiritual anchor in his life and I truly love the beauty and simplicity of Friday night services. I also wish that we went more often so that the children could learn the prayers and recite some Hebrew. I do worry that the traditions in his family will die off in another generation because none of his generation really do much to keep things alive, but hopefully as we get older they'll all take more ownership of hosting Hanukkah and Passover Seder instead of relying on Nana and various Aunts to handle that. Oddly, I am in charge of Passover desserts and made a brisket last year that got rave reviews lol!

I think that as long as the questions regarding things like how will the children be raised, which holidays will we celebrate, how will we explain the differences to the children, can we be truly respectful of one another's beliefs, etc. are settled before marriage or very early on, things will be OK. I always think it's a little sad when parents disagree so they don't raise the children in any religion - to each their own, but it seems a shame that when there are two belief systems in place a child may grow up with nothing instead of one or both.

I will add a couple of things - we were married in a combined Catholic/Jewish ceremony with a priest and a rabbi in a non-denominational chapel. My marriage is recorded in the Church but it is not sacramental. I think that both of our families really appreciated that we went to great lengths to honor and legitimately represent both religions at our wedding. My in-laws a phenomenally accepting and were at the baptism of our children, so we don't have to deal with pressure from our families.

The only negative is that I do feel a longing when I am at Mass to be there truly as a family. I see families together and something feels like it's missing, but that's the choice I made. My husband will not go to a Catholic church unless it's for a very good reason (sacraments). I also temper my Christmas decor and use my garden club and church decorating as an outlet for my urge to go Christmas-decor crazy. Oddly, he met a female pastor of a Christian church last year (she is a counselor) and he has been really drawn to that congregation and goes to services there sometimes. I never would have expected him to find a spiritual connection to a Protestant church, but God works in mysterious ways and as long as he gets something out of it, I encourage him.

I am Christian and my husband is not (yet). We have our major differences, but since I am the one with the connection to church, he respects that. The kids are being brought up non-denom and we are a part of a wonderful church! He checked it out and agrees that it's a good place, so yeah, we are different, but we make it work.

who would bash you??? you haven't done anything wrong! you're asking a very important and profound question to your fellow wise and humble mamas!

as long as you can come to an understanding that you are both worshipping the same creator, just with different methods and rules, you should be fine. will you be going to a place of worship? there are interfaith places you can go to. do you have children? let them make up their own minds as they grow - they will be much more engaged and involved if they can learn from both of you and then create their own personal sense of spirituality.

basically, if it hasn't been a problem yet, it might not become an issue at all. if it has already become a problem, consider counseling. or look for a non-denominational spiritual leader that could help you two find common ground.

good luck!!!

Well yes and no. I think a lot depends on the kind of denominations you are talking about. Like if one is a Jew and the other a Christian I think there could be lots of fighting when it came time to decided how your children are raised. Like do you teach them to believe in Christ as the savior or not? But if you are both Christian and have some different views on certain spiritual beliefs if might not be too hard to come to a common ground when teaching your children. Or you and your hubby can come to the agreement to "agree to disagree" on certain points. I think that if you are both willing to listen openly to one another and realize there has to be lots of understanding, that people believe different things and that doesn't make them wrong or bad people then I think it can work. Good luck though...I personally believe this can be a very hard thing to deal with.

I have a dear friend who battles with this topic in her marriage. She and her husband are of different denominations. They have a young son and have continuously battled over how to raise him... baptisms, church classes, etc. It's been a big issue in their marriage but they are trying hard to compromise. Spiritual beliefs can be such a large part of your marriage. But to others it is not. I wish you luck in figuring this out with your husband!

Sure they can. It is complicated, and gets more complicated when kids enter the picture. It depends, and also depends on how much are you willing to give in, compromise etc. everything should be decided about before entering marriage. Meaning, if one is let's say Jewish, the other Catholic, you need to decide how you will raise kids. Some choose to let kids choose themselves, but more often than not, the decision has been made, before kids happen.

I just briefly went through the answers and noticed that nobody had mentioned this website: www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com. I think you will feel you have gone to the right place for your answer after viewing the site. They have also written a book, which you can find out more info on as you click around. Read the sample pages of the book, and if you are like me, you will feel as if you could have written those very same words. Yes, I too am in an unequally yoked marriage, and this book as been sent to me straight from God.
L.

Hi there - my husband is religious and I grew up with none (agnostic you can say). We see this as a none issue in our marriage. I respect his beliefs and he knows that I am not converting or joining him in religious services. Now that we have kids, we have agreed to teach them everything we know and not just raise them as one religion.

We are getting along wonderfully and this has never even been a sore spot in our relationship. The key is to respect each other's thoughts and perspectives.

Certainly this needs to be disucssed before hand. However, if you are
two adults who have the utmost respect for each other. Yes it can work.
Two believers could work (even if who or what they believe in is completely different) I think it would work. A believer and a non believer with kids involved I do not think it would work.

Honestly, I think it just doesn't work. Its different if its an athiest or spiritual but not religious person with a christian/buddist/jewish etc. But I don't think you can have a buddist and a christian together etc. It just doesn't work. Best wishes with your questions...

M

It can work if you make it work and it depends on how far an extreme it is to each of you in regards to raising your children.

YES! My husband and I will celebrate 24 years of marriage this summer. He is Christian and I am not. Our children are learning about both religions. We celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, Passover and Easter. We never have to argue about which family sees us for the holidays, except Thanksgiving. :)

I am still learning about Christianity and he is still learning about Judaism, and we are both learning more about our own religions too. Neither of us will likely convert, but we are open minded children of G-d and do not judge others for their beliefs.

You can absolutely make it work, if you are both committed to each other.

I couldn't personally be married to a religious person. I am atheist and someone believing in something I find.... a joke at best, would not have my intellectual respect as a partner. Friend, sure. Husband/Life partner, nope.

I think it all depends on the person. Different strokes for different folks.

My husband and I are different denominations, but both Christian. We have been married for almost 6 years and it has not become a problem. We decided before marriage that our children would be raised in my faith.