Hard Working Moms Critisized

Because a lot of people have nothing better to do? Moms with jobs vs. SAHMs, breast vs. bottle, spanking vs. non-spanking, I could go on. Too many people make themselves feel better by passing judgement on others.

All moms are criticized.

Mostly by other moms.

My personal belief is that it stems from the VERY difficult concept that there is more than 1 "best". The whole "choose the best answer" thing from school, and only 1 gets marked correctly. Real life is much more complicated. I can be doing what's best, and someone else can be doing something completely different and that's best, too. That's a hard concept for a lot of people. A lot of people think that if what someone else is doing is best, then their's is 2nd best. Or vice versa, if what they're doing is best, then the other person is 2nd best.

It just doesn't work that way.

I would be naive in saying that I have never been judged as a working mom or that I have never judged my friends who are SAHM, especially when my phone "bings" because they just posted to FB something like "lunch with the girls, then a much-needed pedi" while I'm working on a report or waiting for a webinar to start.

However... most of us tend to see the grass as being "greener" on the other side and while I don't always understand the SAHM perspective and they don't understand mine... I really don't feel "judged" on a day-by-day basis.

I don't want to start a semantic argument, but you somewhat hit the nail on the head by the way you phrased your question. "One thing I do not understand is why are moms who work critisized? "We" are trying to provide our children with more in life."

SAHMs may take exception to the fact that they do not have a job "outside the home" implies that they do not work. I also think you are trying to provide different things for your children. Not more, not less. Different.

It is VERY hard to be neutral about this issue. I am currently a SAHM and my mother divorced my father when I was two and worked pretty much non-stop from the time I was one year old to the year I graduated from high school. I have seen and experienced both sides (from different angles) and can tell you there are definite low and high points to both.

The trick is, and I really wish more people would subscribe to this, do what is best for you and your family. No one can (or even should try) to tell you what that is. There are too many variables. Some women don't belong at home all day taking care of babies. Some are born to do little else. I really don't understand where people are so judgmental about personal choices other people make. <smh>

My ire does get sufficiently raised when I hear anyone from either side of the issue asserting that theirs is the One RIght Way to do it. What a load of BS! There is no One Right Way to handle the whole parenting gig. We can only hope to do The Best We Can and pray that our kids don't turn out too screwed up. :-)

Julie B: I know you probably didn't mean to say SAHMs are simpletons without the intelligence to cut it in the professional world so they hide at home using their children as shields so they don't have to face their own inadequacies.... but that is sure as Hell the way it came across. I am sorry you have felt berated for your choices. Like I stated, I hate the Judgey-Judgersons on either side of the issue. There is a point where "the lady doth protest too much, methinks". Hmmmm.

***grabbing some popcorn and putting feet up****

I don't understand why people think that because I work, I have LESS to do at home?

I have the same errands to run, the dishes to wash, the same laundry to do. ONly more, because I am maintaining a work wardrobe. I have to cook dinner too. Kids homework. Kiss booboos. Take them to soccer practice and dance class, go to school plays.

Only I have to do it in 4 hours a day, instead of 12.

PLUS keep my work life handled.

It's not to have material things. It's to pay for the soccer and dance classes for the little ones. It's to pay for family vacations and college tuition for the two I already have in college. It's so my husband doesn't have the weight of the world on his back. It's so if God forbid, we lose him. I won't be helpless and without means to support my family.

This has been hashed out over and over again on Mamapedia.

Both moms who work outside the homes and moms who work at home (we are all working!) get blasted from the other side on occasion. The answer is that people criticize because they are unhappy.

Based on your last sentence, "why should "we" who try to provide a better outcome for our children be criticized.", I DO think you are looking for a fight. What makes you think that we aren't all trying to provide the best possible outcome for our kids?
Don't fall into the trap of lobbing cheap shots at the other side!

You have the choice to be affected by criticism or not.

How fortunate that all of the SAHMs get to stay home with their children. I think that would be the biggest blessing in the world to be able to do that. I would love to have been able to do that myself, but my family cannot afford it. There are a TON of holier than thou SAHMs though that would disagree with that comment "Can't afford it? Of course you can afford it!" Just cut groceries down to $10 a week, no TV, no phone, no subscriptions, no clothing, one car, etc. etc. etc. No thank you. I actually have the best of both worlds by being fortunate enough to go part time. I definitely feel judged being a working mom--not by SAHMs in my life--but by a lot of the SAHMs on this site! A lot of the moms on this site criticize other moms for absolutely everything they can possibly think of. Working. Not working. Not breast feeding. Breast feeding. Sending kids to public school. Homeschooling. Etc. Etc. Etc... It would be nice if all moms could just sympathize with ALL other moms and not judge. Isn't this site here as a forum for moms to support one another. As a place to go when you need the "wisdom of moms?"

I don't get it but as a working outside the home mom who enjoys working outside the home and feels that this is what is best for my family, I am SICK AND TIRED of being told I'm hurting my kids by doing this.

I still have all the work SAHM moms have to do as as Tracy said below I have sometimes 2-4 hours a day to do it all in...plus make sure that each child gets "mommy time".

What I say to those who say things to me about is ....well the only thing hurting with the way we live is my house. My poor house is the one thing that never looks like I want it to. The dishes don't get done everyday, the laundry is done on Saturdays or on an as needed basis. I get to mop the floor maybe every other weekend.

We though are lucky in the fact that my husband is work from home dad, so he is there to take the kids to school and pick them up. He however, has to work and doesn't get to the dishes some days...but that is a whole other thread.

My kids are happy, healthy and they too would say...mom is a better mom because she works outside the home. (We tried it...went horrible for everyone).

I don't think that my life is any better or easier, or harder than SAHM moms it is just different and that is my choice. But I am sick of hearing how horrible I should feel about it, how horrible am to my kids cause I'm not at home...aint none of their damn business!

I always kinda thought it was just the opposite. Working moms are hailed as heroes, The Saviours Of The Modern Day Family! How do they do it?!

(Oh, and if you wanna stay home, that's ok too, but really how much housework do you really need to do?)

Interesting!

Frankly, I think we all do the best we can. But sometimes we seem to forget that we ALL make our own choices.

:)

I know exactly what you mean. It's like we get NO credit for working to provide for our children in terms of financially and stability for the future (i.e. THEIR future). It's like it just doesn't count.
Any time we have a family function at work (like a holiday party) and my husband and son are there, people rave about what a wonderful dad my husband is just because he plays with our son.
I agree, he is wonderful but you know what? No one EVER compliments me or gives me a pat on the back for not only being a loving, involved mother, plus holding down a full time job. It's just expected. And criticism comes at the oddest times, from the oddest places.
I hear you, sister.

I've never felt judged for being a working Mom. If you have, you should just let it roll off your back. You are doing what is right for you and yours. :)

Well, I am A SAHM and I DO believe I am providing my son "a better outcome." Some women believe they should (or have to) work to do that, and that's what is best for their family. Then their kid will get their better outcome. That's the point, "we" are all doing what we feel like gives our child the best chance in life. Whether that's staying at home, working, etc. I would never assume that what I choose, is what's best for every family.

I will say, I have been criticized plenty for being a SAHM. We are not valued by a lot of people in society, I have been asked what I do all day, that I must have it so easy, assumed I'm lazy, etc. I think we would ALL be better off, to respect that being a mom is hard. No matter what our "employment" status is. That's why we should support moms, not try to one-up each other

I'm a working mom. I have never felt criticized for it.
It's tough though. And I feel my life would be way easier if I was a SAHM. I am a SAHM for 8 weeks every summer and I love it. My life is simpler. I have way less stress. Tons more gets done around the house. I enjoy the little moments more. I prefer SAHM life for sure. But we need the income. Luckily I like my job.

I may get flak from year-round SAHMs but I don't really buy the argument that being a SAHM is a job. If that's true, I'm working two jobs. Because when I'm working I'm still responsible for all the household and kid -related stuff: chores, errands, general preparation for what the day ahead holds. The same stuff I do when I am off work too. It's no less responsibility- it's just that for 8 hours a day someone else is physically supervising my offspring. I still did the laundry, packed the school bag, prepared the lunches and drinks, etc...

And honestly, the amount of brain space that is freed up when I am NOT working... it's amazing. As moms we have to remember everything- details about our kids lives, which day is library day at school, when the enrollment forms are due, when the next dental appt is, what brand of cereal they will eat, favorite colors, toys and all that... when your brain also has to hold a bunch of work-related minutae... phew, it's like mental overload sometimes.

If you can't tell I have a little jealousy of SAHMs!!! The grass is always greener, I'm fortunate enough to get a taste of the other grass once a year. And I don't think either way has a negative impact on the kids or ones relationship with their kids. Every woman is different and every family is different. It's all good.

Martyrdom is what comes to mind with most of them- "look I gave up MY career and this and that why didnt you?" "Obviously my kids are more important to me than yours are to you". I have always worked although I have been fortunate enough to take the about the first year off with both kids going back to work was necessary- My husband has been self employed most of our 20 years I wasnt willing to live without insurance and some sort of steady paycheck. I did choose to go to work because that is what my family needs. There are stay at home moms that feel they are providing a "better" life for their kids by staying home skimping by just to be there for every moment. I honestly dont know why they feel they are better than me I have never missed a school event, sports practice/game or important day because I work. But I have been lucky my career has allowed me to get jobs very close to home with very lax come and go policies. Some moms are not so lucky and some are not lucky enough to have a second income that would allow them to stay home a scrape by-
In my opinion the Single working mom is the strongest bravest women in the world and should get the recognition she deserves hell they should get a parade and bonus days off!

Mostly it is a matter of defending your choices with a bit of jealously mixed in. A working mom wants to believe they are not scaring their kids for life. A stay at home wants to believe that the lack of mad money is worth it so both sides attack what they are insecure about.

When I was a stay at home I was always willing to help out the moms who worked. After all isn't this about raising happy healthy kids, not who made the best choices.

I tend not to criticize either way except when I feel like someone isn't being honest. ie: a SAHM I know who criticizes working mothers yet lives a very nice lifestyle bc of her parent's money and pawns her kids off on the neighbors constantly and never reciprocates. Not all of us have that choice. Or someone who complains they "have" to work yet does buy luxuries. Why not be honest and say "well, I don't really HAVE to work but there are certain things in life I want." Or a SAHM who looks down on working moms yet really didn't have much of a job before staying home and likely her paycheck wouldn't cover the cost of childcare anyway. She really isn't giving up so much. That's the part of the mommy wars that bugs me.

I think sometimes "working" mothers are criticized because they say they are trying to provide their children with more in life but what others perceive is they are working to make money so that they can buy the material possessions they and their children want when they want it. A bigger house, newer car, etc. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, for those who maybe are not as materialist/financially minded, the "more" that working mothers who say they are providing a better outcome for their children are trying to provide isn't the "more" that they themselves are trying to provide. Does that make sense?

For instance, I want a boat. If I chose to work full time outside of the home I could easily purchase a boat. My children would then get the pleasure/provision of weekends on the lake/river. Which would be great and they would like it however, they would also lose the provision of gardening, flying kites, going for walks, exploring outside, reading a variety of books, lunch and dinner with mom and dad, pets, and the list goes on and on. So for us we choose kites and meals together instead of a boat.

Personally, I don't really care what other parents do as far as working or staying at home. They will do what they want or what they think is best and it is really none of my business.

Uh oh!! Mommy wars is about to ensue, so let me be quick!

I am a SAHM and some say I'm fortunate or that it's a luxury. Well, it's not. I have a son who has a condition where his bones break easily, so he can't go to daycare. Looking at him, you would never know it, so people tend to think we just "got it like that." Well, we don't. There are times when we can't rub two nickels together. I don't think my situation is luxurious OR fortunate....it just IS. That's all. I have worked about been envious of stay at home moms, and I have stayed at home and been envious of working moms. Both have their advantages and draw backs.

Don't worry about it, mama. You take care of your family the best way you know how.

I'm surprised you think it's only the working moms who are criticized. SAHMs are criticized as well. It's definitely one of those situations where you do what's best for your family and ignore everyone else.

I was unemlployed for 18 months when my job was eliminated. During that time, the first 6 months were awesome. i loved it. But, I also got stressed and realized that being a mom at home only was not for me. I think it is great if a parent can be so full time, or work from home even ,but it does not match who I am. I love the adult interaction and I know that "the kids" are only one part of my life and I can live both sides successfully. My kids are well and I don't think they suffer because I work. I also don;t think a child will suffer because a parent stays home to work taking care of them.

On the flip side, my husband gets looks when he says I work and he stays home. We used to work opposing shifts with a sitter coming for an hour a day but he lost his job and due to restrictions is having one heck of a time finding another. Now, he stays home with our 4 month and almost 4 yr old. He knows it is hard work to take care of the kids.

With few exceptions, all parents work hard. Taking care of the kids is a lot of hard work, whether you are home all day with them or working outside the home and coming home to care for them.

"criticized" -sorry, spelling police here, lol!
I am a SAHM and I have never criticized working mothers. At times I am very jealous of them :)
People who criticize other people's life choices are usually deeply insecure in their own.

Well, we shouldn't, you're right. The fact of the matter is that incomes have stagnated over the last few decades (unless you're a CEO of a multi-national company, it seems) and haven't kept up w/ inflation and the cost of living. My parents and my brother and I could live on just my dad's income back in the 70s/80s. That is just not a reality for most people these days. Especially today. I had to go from 20 hours a week to full-time a year and a half ago. I would NEVER criticize a mother for being a SAHM or working. And it freaking galls me when some get preachy on the subject.

If you are happy with your choice, it shouldn't matter what choices others are making. As moms I think we are all (most, anyways) just trying to do what we think is best for our families.

Honestly, IMO, posts such as this only serve to further divide us because everyone feels the need to defend the side of the fence we currently reside on.

You shouldn't. Neither should moms who stay at home. Both groups are trying to do what is best for their children, and each group may have different values, different financial circumstances, or just different personalities. I don't think a mother who works is necessarily good or bad for a child, just like staying home with a child is not necessarily good or bad for a child. I am sorry you have felt criticized in the past. I don't know if this has caused or was caused by your defensive attitude about working. My first impression (as a stay-at-home mom) of your post was that you think you work harder than I do. This may be wrong, but it is kind of how your post struck me when you say, "We" are trying to provide our children with more in life. I believe this also instills a work ethic in our children which now a days is highly needed." Um, ouch. I believe (and have the bumper sticker to prove it!) that every mother is a working mother. Those who have careers, and those who stay home all just want what is best for our babies and ourselves (and families are not identical - what is right for one family isn't right for another).

Good luck.

I think you'll find it on both sides and you're just more sensitive to the side you're on.

I don't know anyone who judges me for choosing to work. Once I started working it became necessity (bigger house, nicer cars, more things we want, etc), but I like working. My kids like school and daycare, so why not. I am also able to provide more and better for them than if I didn't work.

When I stayed at home, I cherished my days with my kids. Some days I went crazy, but most days I loved it.

Really, in this I think you just have to let it roll off your back. No one is a better mom to your kids than you. Whether you work or stay at home, no one can do what you do for your kids better. I just keep that in mind.

Yeah, your post is worded quite bitchy, actually. ("we are trying to provide our children with more in life" Ummmm ...that sounds like you think SAHM's aren't trying to give their children the best. "Instills a work ethic" I think that SAHM's work too!)
But I will give you the benefit of the doubt. :)
I am not really going to get into this because my son needs to be run to the bus stop, I need to change a dirty diaper, wipe a 4 year old's butt, give a bath, get laundry in the washer and dryer, and rinse off the breakfast and lunch dishes in the next 15 minutes before I get two kids down for a nap.

L.

It is all about the kind of life you want. Do kids need expensive jeans and fancy coats? Trips to Hawaii? What do they need? In my eyes, they need one-on-one dialoguing with mom, for many years. Thus, I don't have a paid job. I'm sure eventually I will earn money, but right now, I feel it is best for my family if I put all my energy into them (we are going to homeschool). I see this as providing them with more. The question really is "what is 'this more'?"

For many women, they need to work. I get this, oh do I get this, this SAH thing can really get to you sometimes. Yet, I want to be home, and my hubby earns enough for the kind of life we need. We have no debt (save for mortgage and student loan), we can afford modest trips, we have college funds, etc. But we are frugal and practical, and live a dull life in the eyes of many. And yes, of course, things would be much easier with a second income, but is it necessary? Not for the kind of life we need and want.

This morning, I was at the neighborhood park with my neighbor's nanny and their two kids. The 2 year old had on Guess jeans. I kind of laughed when I saw them. I couldn't imagine buying a 2 year old Guess jeans. Hell, I got over Guess jeans when I was 15 and understood that one pair blew my clothes allowance.

These same neighbors live in a house 4x the size of mine (though they just recently put it on the market because they are "downsizing, since it is just too big". They drive fancy cars. They go for family walks at 7 at night, when we are brushing our teeth and heading to bed. The woman is always polished in lovely clothes. I rarely wear make-up anymore. They live a very different life than mine. If that works for them, great.

But here is the thing: having a paid job does not teach a work ethic. I work harder than most of my "working" friends. My kids see this, and they see that I am around. The idea that a work ethic requires "payment" is an old idea that privileges the public space over the private space. I value women's work. I value the private, and believe it to be more important than money. Call me an old school conservative feminist, but I am doing the most important job on this planet and believe it to be a full time job: i am raising civilization.

Second, sometimes what we think we are teaching our children isn't what we are teaching them. I know that it meant the world to me when I was growing up that my mom worked jobs that meshed with the school calendar. In elementary school, she had a job working for a fundraising company for schools, so her calendar literally was our calendar, and if we were sick, we just went to the office with her. She was there, always there. If she had worked a "big job," if I had been told, "sorry honey, mommy has to go on this trip," or "sorry honey, I won't be home for dinner tonight," I think I would have spent so much of my time feeling undervalued and unloved that any other lessons my mom thought she would have been teaching me would have been overlooked.

At the end of the day, people do what people have to do, and we should all just be good with that. If you are a happier mom by having a paid job, good for you! That's the beauty of life, there are many ways to live it, and just because you value something different than me, this doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong, it just means we are different.

We criticize each other because these differences of personal choices reflect deeply held differences in values, and values by their nature want to compete and win out.

I think moms are critized on both sides. I am a stay at home mom. I choose to be and I feel for our family its what is best. My sister is a working mom and I don't know how she does it...I couldn't do both. But some people can. There is no right or wrong or better or worse. But as a stay at home mom I feel ppl look down on me, just as I'm sure working moms feel looked down on for working. At the end of the day its about being confident in the choice you make. If you are happy with what you have chosen and it works for your family then great! ( I don't mean you as in you but just moms in general)

I have no problems with working moms. I was raised by one and raised well, I think. I think being a SAHM will produce the best outcome for MY kids.
My DH and I do get a kick out of people thinking we can afford for me to stay home. We had 2 yearsof unemployment after my husband was laid off and now are dealing with him being underemployed. We have a tight budget, but we never even discussed me going back to work. It just makes sense for OUR FAMILY for me to be at home.
I try not to judge any mom who is doing the best she can for her family. I expect the same courtesy, however. I don't think implying that kids of working moms do better in life is showing that courtesy.

I think both working moms and stay at home moms get criticized. I didn't intend to be the breadwinner but I am. I feel mommy guilt all of the time!

When I was pregnant with my first child I was suffering from pregnancy depression. I started seeing a counselor and when I mentioned something about working she said "I am sure that will affect your child - maybe you should think about whether it is necessary you work." I never went back - I was so mad!

I think SAH moms are criticized just as much. I hear a lot of "what do you do all day?" I personally do not judge anyone for their choice to work or stay home. Both are hard work, and until someone has done both, I don't think they can say anything about the other.

Personally, I feel it is SO important to be the one who raises my own children. That is why I stay home. We do have to make sacrifices. I often hear others complaining that they have to work, and I wonder if they really aren't able to stay home, or just can't give up certain luxuries. i know there are plenty of both out there.

People today are used to having so much or certain things, that they just can't imagine living without them, even though they really are just extras. Everyone makes their own choices.

What really matters is that parents make the most of their time with their kids, teach them good lessons, and find quality caregivers.

This sort of thing -- battles between working and stay-at-home moms, breastfeeding kerfuffles -- mostly just happens on line. It hasn't ever happened to me in real life. I have friends who work outside the home, and I have friends who work by staying home with their children, and *not once* has anyone ever said anything mean about the mothers on the other side of the fence.

It is sad that it happens on line so often, because communicating online is an important way for mothers to feel a sense of community and support. When I had a miscarriage and was grieving, and later when I was pregnant, and then home with a baby, my parenting website at the time provided incredibly important support. When these sorts of battles came up, it made me feel sort of sick, like a wonderful refuge had been invaded or something.

Now, on to your topic. I wonder why more mothers who work outside the home (I am in that group, working part time) don't bring up basic human rights principles. Do we really, as a culture, want to say that women CAN'T work? That a woman belongs in the kitchen? Should we give back all the power to the men?

Women have made great strides in the workplace, and I think that is to be celebrated. It is ridiculous to think that women have nothing to offer our country, not in politics, entertainment, journalism, business, education, law enforcement, the military, etc.

And I think it would be a good idea for every woman to have marketable skills and excellent job training, so that she can support herself and her children if she has to. There are so many SAHMs who have been completely blindsided when their husbands leave them, or become unable to work. Or when it happens late in life, and they discover that since they didn't earn a paycheck, they don't have much in Social Security to help them survive month to month.

I don't care what anyone else does, but I personally could never let a stranger raise my child. I'd rather have less material things, and more time. You cannot get back the time, they are only children for such a short time.

What is horrible is how differently society treats working fathers and working mothers. No one criticizes fathers who work for putting not putting their families first. No one assumes a man who works doesn't love his wife and kids as much as a SAHD. No one thinks a working father is working because his kids need Guess jeans or a bigger house or a better car.

No one should make these criticisms of me. I can and do make the same choices as my DH. I work because I love my career, because working and supporting oneself and one's family are what adults do and because it is very important to me that my son know that women can do anything in the world that men can (except of course pee standing up).

I think everyone does the best that they are able to do. For me, it was quitting my $75K job back in 1999 and staying home to raise my daughter. We have made sacrifices, we live within our means, we don't go on big vacations, we don't drive fancy cars - but we have a lovely house that's a few years from being paid off and we have a happy household. I run a home-based business that allows me to only work about 4-5 hours a week.

I personally believe that not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I don't think everyone is cut out to be a Mom AND work outside the home. I understand that some people HAVE to have 2 incomes just to put food on the table. I also believe that others can't imagine living without a nice car/vacation/home. It's their choice.

My husband and I decided together that my staying at home was a priority to us both. We wanted to instill our values in our daughter. She is now 12 and we are just reaping the benefits of this. She is growing into a wonderful young lady who has empathy for others, is helpful and a pleasure to be around (no drama, thank you God). Would she have turned out like this if she were raised by caretakers? Maybe, but I'm not sure. I know that I would have been more stressed if I worked outside the home so being a SAHM worked for me.

I've learned that what others do with their lives has little effect on me. I'm responsible for raising a child who is pleasing in God's eyes and, hopefully, that's what I'm doing.

I think that everyone can agree that being a mom is hard work regardless of if you're working outside or SAHM - period.
I was fortunate to be able to be home until my youngest was 4 (oldest was almost 6) - now they're 14 and 16.
I think what offends me is the implication from SAHMs that they make their family a "priority". Every mom that I know that is SAHM or works outside the home makes their family a priority. There are benefits to being home with your children and there are benefits to children in daycare (not attempting to start a debate). As women, I think we need to support each other instead of being the first to knock each other for their choices.
There are innumerable ways to provide for your family and teach them lessons. For me (and most of my friends), I made the choice to work outside the home. I don't think that makes me less of a mom or that my family is any less of a priority. If you are able to stay home and be a better woman for it then go for it, but please don't think that the mom who works outside the home (because it makes her a better woman) doesn't have her priorities in order - and vice versa.

This really can be a sore subject, and I have to say, your wording is rather offensive in its implications. If you want to have this conversation without riling people up, avoid broad generalizations like "we (meaning working moms) are trying to provide our children with more in life". This implies a reverse criticism of "Mothers who choose to stay home are not trying to provide their children with more in life." or "Mothers who choose to stay home are going to have a poor/worse outcome than we working moms" (in the case of the next statement made). If this comes from a personal criticism you received, perhaps next time you can preface your question with "some woman criticized me for working..." instead of generalizing.

My unoffended stance on the question is this: you are talking about two very different lifestyles. I don't think one is better than the other necessarily. Obviously we can find both working moms and SAHM's who are good, those who are bad, those who are abusive/neglectful in both groups, those in both groups who put their own interests first and those that put their children first. My grandmother (mom to TEN children) worked. My mother (mom to four) didn't. They were both amazing moms who provided plenty of love,nurturing, and training in work ethic and other life skills. They both deserve and earned my respect. My sister and sister-in-law are both great moms who happen to work. I don't criticize them for their decision, and at least to my face, they've never criticized me for staying home with my children. There are tradeoffs for both kinds of moms, but the fact is, a good mother is a good mother no matter what her official employment status is.

I am a F/T working mom. When I leave in the afternoon, I always joke that I am heading off to my other F/T job. haha Being a working mom is hard, just as I know it's hard to be a SAHM. Three months of maternity leave and I know it's not for me. Potato, po-tah-to. It's all work!
I am the breadwinner in my household, which I take great pride in. I provide for my family, just in a different way that SAHM's do. I am SO fortunate that I have supportive family close by that are always helping. Without them, I know it would be a much harder road. So, who is the luckiest mom in the world? ME! I honestly feel like I have it all! That's all that matters right?

I'm not sure how either side can criticize! I too have been on both sides of this. As a career mom, I wasn't happy personally because I felt I was missing my sons life...so I came home...and I wasn't happy because I gave up my successful career and now my identity was 'mom'. So I found a happy medium, where I work from home. I can still be the mommy I need to be, but have my career as well- which I needed.
Moms who work outside the home will always have my deepest respect! Especially on days when I feel like I can't do it all- I think of how much harder it could be and how so many other moms are doing this and making it work! And FT moms have my deepest respect for the 24/7 that they are able to give to their children with out losing their minds! Each mom has to find what works for her and her family personally and understand that each situation is different, but neither should be looked down upon or criticized!
Also I think that both stay at home moms AND secular 'working' moms BOTH want better outcomes for their children. That is why they make the choice they do. And I came from a family where my mom didn't work outside the home, but was able to teach us all a great work ethic in caring for her home, family, canning, growing food, etc. I often thought about that as I sat in corporate meetings, knowing I was the only one in the room with out a college degree, but now we were all at the same table because of the great work ethic taught by my parents- they had paid for their success, I had simply worked my way there (and I might add I was the youngest). So there are different ways of teaching the same lesson.

Darned if you do, darned if you don't. We all make decisions (hopefully) based on what we believe is best for our kids. Once you make that decision, stand strong and know that your kids are going to be okay because you are their mom. I have worked outside the home and had my kid in daycare and I have been a stay at home mom. Both are difficult. We bought a home in an area where I could afford to stay home with my kids. That was what we decided worked best for us. You work to "provide a better outcome for your kids" while I stay home "to provide a better environment for my kids". Everyone has their own idea of what is best for their kids. To each their own.

Oh, no. I don't criticize outside of the house working moms--all moms work. Being a mom over all can be a tough job. I highly admire moms who do work outside of the home and come home to more work. I was just offered a job working in an office. I love the concept of working outside of home, but I do not like the reality (getting up in the morning, working overtime, driving through traffic, buying a new wardrobe, etc.), so I refused it because there is no way I could work outside of the house and inside of the house also. I'd rather live frugally than have all that stress. But, you have to do what is best for you. I am 100% behind any woman's decision whether she does both or strictly stays at home.

I am a SAHM and also have worked here and there and now also work part time since recently.

As a SAHM, I have never been criticized for it.
As a working Mom, I have never been criticized for it either.

I think, it also depends on what circle of women, one is involved in.
"Cliques" exist anywhere as well as other women who just love to criticize other Moms for their choices or non-choices, per work or being a SAHM, once they have children.

I have friends who are SAHMS and also have friends who work... because they have to, or it is a choice. So be it.
They are still.... doing the best they can as a Mom. I know that. And their kids are happy.

Everyone has their own lifestyle or needs or have to's.
And it may be regional or cultural or just personal.

It is not a competition or a subject of one type of Mom providing a better "outcome" for their children, or not. Whether or not they work.

Don't we all as Moms, try our best? Given our circumstances. Which, none of us actually live in the homes of others. So, we don't know the full scenario, of what is going on in each others lives.

Working Mom or SAHM... we are all Moms. Who do what we can or have to.

And, contrary to some popular beliefs, SAHMS, are not SAHMS because they are rich. SAHMS are often, living very frugally.

I don't feel like there's a battle, because I refuse to get involved in said "battle". To each their own, there's no wrong or right. I don't judge working moms and if I get judged for being a SAHM, I don't care, I really don't. We're all doing the best we can for our families and that's all that matters. Don't judge others, and don't ever feel like you have to defend YOUR choice. Simple enough, right?

I worked all of my child's life. Oh how I wish I could go back and be a SAHM! He turned out fine--a senior in college now, but now that I am an empty nester, I wish I could have had more time with him.

The good part of my career--I was a teacher and had the same holidays as he.

If given a choice and you can afford it--STAY HOME!

I couldn't agree more. I have to work. We need both incomes and I make more so there's no chance I could quit and be a SAHM. And from different posts / posters on this site, kind of give the impression that moms who work are doing such a disservice to their children. I am one that happens to think that day cares are good for kids once they reach a certain age (about 18mths). I feel they need the interaction with other children and it teaches them about sharing and other things. Even if I didn't work, my kids would go to some time of day care or pre-school atleast 2 or 3 days a week just they could get the interaction.
Probably not really answering your question but I just had to vent a little..lol!

I have also been on both sides and there are sacrifices either way. I always planned to keep working after having a child. I love having a job. However, things don't always work as we plan. When I stayed at home, it was because I felt I had to for the sake of my son and my sanity. He did not thrive in a daycare setting after the age of 17 months. He was a miserable child and was taking it out on everyone around him. The daycare was calling us in for weekly meetings. Finally I put down my foot with my DH who felt I couldn't leave our business in order to stay at home. Best thing I ever did for our son even though it took counseling to keep our marriage okay. Now my DH sees what a difference it made for our son. We did suffer financially and our business survived but didn't thrive. But our son was only young once and it was a window of development we could not miss.

Now I am back at work but we still try to structure the week so that between my DH and me, our son only has to attend 5 before or after school care sessions (out of 10 possible), because he still does not thrive in that sort of setting.

I think every family has to make the best decision for them from a financial, emotional, and spiritual view point. I think we all hurt ourselves when we generalize about one way being better than another.

I think we have to be careful about choosing justifying words like "by working outside the home I feel I instill a work ethic in my children". A good work ethic has nothing to do with whether someone is paid for the work or not. Anyone who works in a business, at keeping up their home, or as a volunteer is a valuable contributor to a better society.

I don't understand the need to put each other down. I recognize that it is a luxury and a blessing to be able to raise our little ones full time (I don't ever use the term "stay at home" mom because I think it breeds the same kind of criticism of those of us without a paying gig). I do admit to a healthy dose of skepticism when a mom tells me that she "has to work". I recognize those moms who have no other options, and I applaud them. However, I know too many who claim that they "can't" live on one income, when what they mean is "I can't have a brand new car every few years, eat out whenever I want, etc." I don't mean to imply that those moms are necessarily making the wrong choices, just that they're living in denial about wants and needs (which, in turn, teaches their children the same lesson). As for your comment about work ethic, I don't agree that one has to work outside the home to teach kids that lesson. My kids have less of an entitlement mentality (I admit that they're only five, but this is a point that my husband and I will drive home all their lives) than some of the kids their age with working parents. I guess my opinion is that too often we criticize the wrong things when we see someone with different values than we have. The choice to work or not work is not what creates issues for our kids - it's all the other choices we make about what to teach them and how...

Not offended!

I think that the other side is criticized so adamantly because people want to be validated in their decision and to know that they are doing the best thing for their family. But the best thing for your family varies between families and I think it is easy to lose sight of that. I have worked in an office, I have worked for a company from my home, I have been a stay at home mom (my favorite job), and I have been a full time student. All of them were done to support the family and were the right decision at the time. I personally love being a stay at home mom and thrive on the chaos and wish that I could do it through high school, but I know lots of moms that love working and are better parents because they work, I even have a sister that is a stay at home mom and she hates it, she wishes she was working; everyone is different and what makes them good effective parents differ.

I think that people need to learn to step back and look at things objectively, you did not mean to offend, you just were curious as to why your choices were offensive to others. I get it and can appreciate it. Do what you need to do for your family; you will never please everyone, so only worry about pleasing yourself and yours.

I too have been on both sides of the laundry basket. I was fortunate to be a SAHM with my now 15 year old until she was 3, then I was forced out in to the work force by a nasty break up that I never even saw coming..... but I digress. Now I work a full time job and a part time job. The full time job offers insurance that we would otherwise not be able to afford, but unfortunately the insurance takes almost half of my check, so I have the part time job to help add income. I should add that my husband also works full time, but since his field doesn't offer many second, part time job opportunities, I got a second job. With that, we still juggle to make bills, and usually are running about a month behind on everything. I would love to be able to stay home with my kids, but that is a luxury that is far out of my reach, at least until summer break. (One of the perks of working in a school!! I do get to stay home with them in the summer!)

I think it depends on who you are and what you want in life. I have stayed home for 2 years with my daughter and I'm SO glad I was here to teach her the values I want her to have. Because lets face it, if you aren't home 24/7 with them, you aren't their primary role model and you have less and less influence over shaping them into the person you want them to be. Next month I will be starting work, seasonal work but still. I'm confident that I've gotten her this far in life with the tools I really wanted her to have that I feel comfortable letting other people influence her. My son (12 weeks) is still too young but it'll work out that we'll have winters off and I'll be able to play just as big a role in his life as I do in my daughters. I think a lot of the criticism has to do with feelings of inadequacy. Some parents you couldn't pay them enough to stay home with the kids, they couldn't handle it, they need adult interaction and a feeling of a life and that's okay. So they go to work and that ends up being better for their kids because when they are home they're happy. On the flip side SAHM's (I think) sometimes envy working mom's in that they are making money and they have adult relationships that include interaction every day... at least that's what I can see from what I've been through. I don't think a mom should be graded on her job/lack of job but on how good she is at being a mom when she's with the kid. Someone smart said we only hate what is part of ourselves, if it had no part in us it wouldn't bother us. Or something like that. If we didn't have issues with ourselves (as with me I don't make money) I wouldn't be insecure and have an opinion about working mom's (like thinking I was better... which I don't.. lots of times I envy them) but I have caught myself thinking "my job is WAY harder" and it's not, it's just different and I'm insecure.. simple as that. So if we all just thought about it for a minute we wouldn't be so angry and have so many opinions. Live and let live, you know?

I have to say, I've never actually heard a SAHM criticize a working mom or a working mom criticize a SAHM in person. I know plenty of both and they seem to have a "to each their own" attitude about it. Maybe it's different elsewhere?

It is played out in the media quite a bit, but I've just never personally encountered it.

I'm a WAHM, so I get the best AND worst of both worlds! :)

okay this really has nothing to do with your post/question but what does ETA mean? I've read your other post and some others that use it and I can't figure it out HAHA. Anyway I too have been on both sides and I just ignore the comments from the opposite side of w/e situation im in at the time :)

I think either is great. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom and I have no gripe with either. Whatever works for you is best. It's not like if you work you are not raising your kids...you still are. It's not like if you stay at home you are not working...again, you still are. I do think that moms often accidentally hurt other mom's feelings by wording things in an insensitive way. I really think most of the time this is an accident. Honestly, I have not met anyone who thinks the other moms (working or stay at home) are doing the wrong thing. I do hear people talking about what is best for themselves. Do you hear some moms criticizing the other moms often? That would be a bummer.

Both jobs are hard! What I think is hardest though for working moms is missing the milestones and not getting enough time with their babies :(

Although you may have poorly worded your question, my only major issue is referring to "we" as being working moms and thus pitting sahm's against working moms. At some point all moms need to realize that "we" (all moms) are doing the best we can to provide our children in the way that we see best suits our individual children/families. Respect each other, lift each other, and show support to ALL moms.

I think there are 3 sides to the post...and I have done all of them: I have worked 15+ years in the corp world from my kids birth to 8 years ago, I have been a SAHM and now I work part time from home basically when I feel like it. So, that being said, I get from you post that its assuming the working mom is working to financially provide for the family as well as show that women *can* work and not have to stay home. Just because a woman works, doesn't mean shes making a lot of money. It also doesn't mean that the kids are either learning or not learning anything special from her, just because she works outside the home. I don't think SAHM's are ONLY teaching their kids that women need to stay home and raise babies. I don't think working moms work ONLY for the money. I personally did not do well as a SAHM. I'm not patient enough. BUT I HATED to work too!!! So now, I'm blessed to do whatever the hell I want...lol! I honestly have never *judged* working or SAHM's. Everyone has a different situation. Everyone has different priorities. And not everyone is doing what they WANT to do, lots of working moms HAVE to work and would rather be SAHM's. So really, who cares? I think as long as everyone is doing the best they can for their family, no one should judge.

Funny, I didn't find anything offensive about your post, because my feminist eyes read it in a hurry and what I understood you to say was, "Why can't we all support each other?" That's what my wish is. We are all women, and as a group have worked hard to expand our choices in the world to live our best lives (to quote Oprah!). I really appreciated your "ETA2" where you gave credit to full-time SAHMs, because it's my sentiments exactly. And yet, as a part-time working Mom, I also give full credit to full-time working moms. How they keep it all together amazes me. So let's let everyone have a place at the table, and open our hearts to hear all voices.

I am not necessarily going to answer your question but it has always bothered me that some women need to justify their choices - whether it is to stay home, work part time or work full time. And, sadly, it isnt uncommon to hear one faction or another criticizing or tearing down another. It saddens me... we should be our biggest supporters, regardless of which "kind" of mom we are. Our families and their needs are all unique, let's support each other, knowing that we're doing the very best to make the best decsion for our own family.

I was absolutely looked down on by a few working mom's...not all, just a few. Now they all work!!