Working Parents , Stay at Home Parents, Single Parents.

I work..mainly due to fianancial necessity but I do feel that the time at work makes me a better mum.

I am a stay at home mom and do not feel that anyone has the right to judge you for working. That is not their place.
I also get asked why I'm all dressed up and I just tell them that I just wanted to feel pretty. Maybe this could be a response that could prevent bad situations like the one that happened to you.

I think it's always an idividual choice. I am a stay at home mom right now because my husband is in the military and we aren't too worried about him losing his job. But I don't like to judge others for making a different choice. One of my good friends is just like you and I don't judge her. Sorry you had a bad experience!

Steph T

There are pro's and con's to everything, and the attitudes to go along with it. Some are more "purist" and some are more liberal about their ideas/acceptance/their needs for survival and parenting choices. No matter what a Parent has to survive and do what they can to provide for their family and children both monetarily and emotionally.

No one way is "wrong"....but the discrimination is, whether it be toward working parents or SAHM's.

Me, I'm a SAHM. I had intended to go back to work after my first child was born...but we couldn't find a care provider that we felt was "good enough" and the costs were high...and then Hubby & I discussed it and we decided that I would stay home... and we would see how it worked out. Flash forward to 6 years later, and I am still a SAHM. No....it's not "better" or easier than other "working" Moms... living on 1 paycheck is not easy, we make cut-backs on expenses and the normal things that every family faces in the economic times and job outlooks. My Hubby is glad I am raising our children and home to do it... I am too. But no, that does not make me "better" than anyone else.

The "prejudice" works both ways. As a SAHM...I also get "insulting" comments told to me by "working" Moms...and they somehow regard me as a "nothing" because I am home and not in the "real world." I call it "stuck up." One parent was discussing the current lay-offs in our community... (which I had not heard of that particular one yet), and I said "Oh wow, I didn't know about that...." and the "working parent" told me in a REAL sarcastic tone -" Get in the loop... don't you read the papers???!" And I said -"NO. I am busy raising my children...and meeting their daily needs. I don't have time to sit down, drink coffee and watch tv..." Then that Mom just shut-up. And the other Mom in the conversation sympathized with me and said "It's not easy being a Mom 24/7..."

So the sarcasm, disdain, prejudice, and discrimination works BOTH ways... no matter if we are working Moms or SAHM's.

What I don't like, is the sense of "supremacy" over the other. That is not nice. BOTH ROLES are hard work, and all parents try to do their best, given their circumstances. Some circumstances simply can't be helped... whether we "work" or stay home... so what. Each role has a value.

Being a SAHM... is not a "luxury." It is hard work... and we go without many times... and without extra splurges or treats for ourselves. I do not get pedicures or salon hair cuts every 6 weeks like my "working" friends. I don't have "extra" cash to just buy things willy-nilly or for my children or to go out on monthly luncheons with my girlfriend's... and whatever I do have extra... I spend it on my children. Sure... I am home everyday with them, seeing them grow, home-schooling them, seeing every milestone they hit... and being there come rain or shine, sick or healthy... but it is NOT just sitting at home eating bon-bons and watching soap operas on tv. But this is what "outsiders" think of SAHM's.

So, it is all a matter of perspective and attitude, and what our given circumstances is. No one should be held in disdain for what they NEED to do, and what they CHOOSE to do... for their given circumstance. There is ALWAYS a story behind every decision... and you shouldn't feel you have to "justify" why you "work" or not... for your children. Working parents are working for their kids too... and SAHM's are working for their kids too. We ALL work for our children and family...doing what we know is best, and best to our abilities.

All the best to you...
Susan

I've come to realize that most moms are off their rocker..you can't pay attention to them..anyone who would butt into your business and you're a complete stranger has a screw loose. I used to let the moms at the park get to me..like i'd wonder..why would they get so mad if my son touches their child's toy?? not all, but there's always some random mom that's over protective over some ball or ??? You have to just let it roll off your back..and think.."nut job" and avoid that mom. i had a mom leave chocolate 1/2 eaten cupcakes out on a table at an indoor playground and then she became livid when my 2 year old try to get one..basically saying there was something wrong with my son if he tries to go after a cupcake left behind on a table..to me that is normal 2 year old behavior..very curious..but not to her and she went on and on about how you don't see her daughter going after my sandwich..which by the way was put away..i had been eating it and then put it away.. i said.."why would she when she has a cupcake??? who would choose a sandwich someone is holding over a chocolate cupcake on a table??? you know what? i put her on the nut job list.
just make a mental list and when some mom is rude just stick her on that and laugh to yourself and be thankful you're not them!

It's hard for me to believe that any mom can have the audacity to criticize in that manner. I believe that they have issues. It seems to me that SAH moms who criticize working moms are dealing with their own feelings of maybe wanting to go back to work, but don't out of guilt. In order to deal with that, they would have to tell themselves that staying at home is the ONLY right thing to do. So when they criticize other moms, I think they're just trying to justify it to themselves.

It works the other way around too, where working moms may feel guilty for being away, and have to justify their feelings with their own reasons. Of course, you do what you feel is right for you and your family...but it's at the very least annoying when other moms feel the need to lay their own unresolved issues all over you.

I have the same problem!!! It is very frustrating but I agree with you that I am a better Mom when I am working. Besides my son goes to preschool and likes it. He doesn't want to look at me all day, he wants adventure!! Every family is different so do what works for you. Listen to your 'mommy instinct' and trust it. It's always right!

Wow, hot topic!
Lot's of responses, can't wait to read them.
I work in education, so I get the summers off. I work during the school year full-time, then get a taste of the "stay-at-home" life for 2 or 3 months.
I would SO much rather stay home with my daughter than work! I like my job... but sleeping in, cuddling up to watch sesame street with my little gal every morning, having all day to get the house clean and do personal projects and errands is great. I like having her as my sidekick all summer and we get to take things slow and we have access to more fun things for her during the daytime too (library, kid museums and mommy/me type classes.

It's not an option for me stay home right now, I am the breadwinner. Hubby is in full time grad school. We'll see if his career will allow me to stay at home with kids, but I don't think so, at least not for the first few years.

Working is not SO bad, but the housework suffers and any fun outings you want to do with your kid have to be crammed into the weekend because it is all about the dinner/bath/bedtime routine in the evenings. But I like that my daughter gets quality time with her grandmas (who take turns watching her) and often her aunties and cousins too while I am at work.

Staying at home does get a little boring, you definitely have to keep busy and active. And I find I spend more money when I stay at home all summer because I want to go interesting places or do household projects or cook elaborate meals every day and all that costs money.

I agree with you 100% it is a personal family decision to do what is best for your family. AND I don't think it should be assumed that children are automatically getting a better experience with a stay-at-home parent. When I am home for the summer, it is ME who has a better experience because I am relaxed and happy to spend time with my kid and able to get things caught up at home. My daughter enjoys her time at the grandmas' houses just as much as she enjoys staying home with me or my husband, so HER happiness and well-being seems unaffected by whether I work or stay home.

Sounds like that woman who made the comment to you has her own issues and a need to justify to herself that her staying home is so much better for her kids. Sorry you had to endure her rudeness!

Well, D., let me tell you I have been all of these. When I had my first daughter, 17 years ago, I would have given anything to be an at home mom, but, being single, I HAD to work. When I got married, just over 2 years ago, I was the breadwinner as we were blessed with 2 more daughters, just shy of 11 months apart. Now, my husband has been blessed with a terrific job and I am able to stay home with the 2 babies. One is 16 months old and the other will be 6 months old on Friday. As my circumstances changed, I did what was best for our family. I do get strange looks sometimes from working moms but, only from the ones who would love to be at home with their kids. I have several friends who are SAHM and they are very supportive. I think your response to that other mom was perfect. It is a personal choice about whether or not you work, how much you work and so on. It is a decision to be made by you and your spouse and that is all it should matter to. As my 17 got older, I allowed her in on some of the decisions, but, that was to teach her how to make them and what it takes to research and completely think about ones she had to make. Best of Luck! You have my complete support in your decision!

D.,
I am a tenured professor, so I am able to squeeze my schedule
into two days and then work from home during naps. It is so
hard--I rarely get a break. But I would not change things--even if my husabnd could support us. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.
In addition, it seems there is a lot judgment amongst mothers. Breast feeding vs not breast feeding, working vs staying at home. We need to start supporting each other. Trust me, either way it is hard.

We live in a country where we have the fundamental right to choose how we live. Let's hope that never changes.

As as FYI just because a woman stays at home with the kids does not make her a great mom and does not make the kids special or great in any way. It is the quality of the time spent that counts. I have a friend who stays at home and she has 2 of the worse mannered children who are not particularly bright. They are completely undeciplined and are not a pleasure to be around. She has been known to get on the stay at home band wagon. I personally don't see how her kids could be any worse off if she worked outside the home. That is my opinion and I am sharing it here but would never share it with her because her feelings would be hurt.
Happy people make better parents because they are good examples and role models to their children. Your family is yours and only you know what is best. By the way, there is no shame in standing up for yourself. You did much better than I would have. Chances are my edit mode would have been eliminated.

Hi D.-
I am also a full-time working mom and agree 100% with you! I am a better person to myself a better mom to my children and a better wife to my husband because I am out of the house during the day. Yes, there are times when I wish I could be at home, but I also enjoy the break. I help out in my daughter's classes when I can and am a constant presence in their after school activities.
I struggle with the fact that I am one of the only working moms in my girls preschool. It is my choice to work and I love it. I have not encountered any rude parents - yet. Most moms are understanding and try to schedule playdates, etc., later in the day.
C.

Women are funny. I am sorry she made you feel that way. Maybe she was just jealous. Women are so competitive with one athother, always comparing. We should be encouaging eatchother and telling eathother how we great we look just the way we are. Then there would'nt be such a need for implants and botox! It is all for selfish gain and comparison. Sad.
I have had it both ways. I have been the single mom working 2 jobs for years taking my daughter to before and after school care. And now i am married and i have been fortunate to stay home this time. I am so thankful and love every second of it. It is whatever the needs of the family is. As soon as my family needs me to go to work due to finances, then i will. Until then we are content with what we have. We thank Jesus every day for exactly where He has us.
That woman was wrong to pass judgement, do not let her bother you.

I am a stay at home mom, by choice. There are days when I envy moms who work outside the home. It can be overwhelming to be around my kids 24/7. Sometimes I wish I had a job just so I could have more adult conversations and get a "break" from home life. It is my choice to stay home and I do it because I have 3 small kids and day care would be very expensive, and because I want my kids with me more then a day care provider. I saw you have a flex schedule and are taking your daughter to classes, so you are around and involved. Its YOUR choice, I think some moms just have tunnel vision, that their way of parenting is the only way to do it.

I believe the situation is different for everyone. I know there are plenty of moms and or dads who would love to stay home with the kids, but for financial reasons can not. On the other side, there are plenty of moms and or dads who love to work and that is what is best for their family and there are those who do stay home, but would secretly love to get out of the house and feel guilty about feeling that way. I never thought I would want to stay home, but now that I do it, I love it!! And yes, my kids have some advantages that kids with working parents may not have, but that doesn't neccessarily make them any better.

Some people are simply just judgemental and that isn't a stay at home or work thing, it is a personality thing. I have come across women who give me attitude because I stay home, so it goes both ways. I just live with the philosophy that people who are so narrow minded don't deserve my anger, they deserve my pity and let it go with that. If your situation works for your family then more power to you and I congratulate you for what sounds like a happy family. You wouldn't want your child to hang around with a woman that is so obviously unkind to others.

Hi D.,

I feel compelled to respond because I too am a working mother. Have been my childrens' (12 & 5 yr olds) whole life. I was lucky enought to be able to stay home with each from their birth (both Sept) to Jan - just after winter break) because of accumulated vac. time. Because of my job and in mingling with my childrens' classroom parents I've come in contact with a lot different parenting situations. I have to say though, that I can recall, I've never been treated badly by any of the SAHM's because I work. I usually express that I envy them because they are able to but that I'm so used to working that I don't know that I would be a very good SAHM. Like you, I feel that I am a better mother because I do work outside the home. But that is MY personal feeling for MY personal situation and personality, besides the fact that I do need to work for financial reasons. Speaking of which, there is always a sacrifice to be made either way you go, in my opinion. If you work, you sacrifice the time at home with the child... but then you don't have a combined income which in most cases affords you the "extra little things" that make going on trips fun. If you stay home, yes you invest a lot of time with your child but may not have the extras that you might like to because of it. I have a close friend who was a stay at home mom and we both just respected each other's decision on how to raise our family. Bottom line, as long as you are comfortable with your choice then don't let anyone else make you doubt yourself. That goes for anything, the "family bed", when to take away the bottle or let them tell you when, potty training, etc. Also, you made a very good point in saying considering the single mothers! I don't think that most have a choice in the matter and I most of the single mother's I know are AWESOME mothers!! Good luck and stay strong in your decisions, whatever they may be - afterall, nobody but you will reap the benefits or consequences of your choices. I've made plenty of mistakes, but I try to considering them "learning opportunities" ;)

There are rude people everywhere, whether they are working or stay-at-home moms. This is more of an issue with this woman than with you. Perhaps she felt threatened that you were dressed up, looking the consummate professional, and she was in her stay-at-home clothes, so she reacted by her comments. I know that I missed that look and feeling when I first began staying home. In any case, blow it off. You know what kind of mom you are and how involved you are with your family. That's enough.

I don't know why, but people seem to be VERY judgemental when dealing with each other's lifestyle and choices. Women tend to be very hard on other women, especially if they are used to having to justify their choices to someone else. They seem to feel that if you're right to do what you do, that automatically makes them wrong. Since they're sure they're not wrong, they decide that you must be wrong. It's silly and frustrating. I get rude comments from others about my choice to stay home full time: people say things like, "But you're so bright! You could have been anything you wanted!" (I am what I wanted to be.) Or they'll say, "But you could be making such a contribution to the community!" (I am making an important contribution, and I shouldn't have to explain that.) I also hate hearing, "Shouldn't you be contributing to the family?" (I AM. What they really mean is, "Shouldn't you be making money?") Then there's the criticisms that go along with being a frugal one income family - "How can you drive your children around in a used car? Don't you want something safe for them?", as if my car is automatically unsafe and I am a neglectful parent because the car is old enough to be paid for.

WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY OURSELVES TO EACH OTHER, and you were absolutely right in pointing that out to this very rude woman. Your choices are none of her business. Her choices are none of your business. We should take to heart what we tell our children, and learn to be nice to everyone, even if we disagree with them!!

Any time someone says something so very judgemental to you, with a BIG smile tell them in some way that your choices are for you and your husband to make, not for you to debate in public. If they get angry or offended, you simply know that they would undoubtedly not make a good friend for you. Good for you for not letting rudeness intimidate you!

D.,
You know, I am an adament staying at home mom, but I think you're pure class! You obviously care very much for your child(ren) and even have a flex. schedule in place - not to mention what you've written in for (to help alleviate your fears). I'd say that you've done the perfect thing for YOU - you know you're a better mom because you're not so burned out, you are aware to be around as much as you can, and you understand how important that is. What more could a kid ask for?? I think what you said to that so-called "lady" was just perfect - she didn't deserve to have anything explained to her, and then instead of chiding her when you left, you rose above it, and even though you were seething, you said what you did. I wish I could be more like that!! Then, she had nothing else she could say to you, or about you!
The only working moms that bug me, are the ones who COULD stay home, at least part time, but choose to have the fancy SUV and job title, and pawn their kid off to grandma to some institution. That's what really gets me - and I never know why these moms have kids in the first place! But these days, many moms just have to work and that's ok, with all the best interests of their kids at heart. You go for it!
M.

Hi D.,

I think that it's just terrible for anyone to tell you how to raise your own child. You know what's best. And how rude of her to make you feel guilty for choosing to work! She doesn't know your situation! I know women who work and women who stay at home with their kids (I am a stay at home mom). Every woman is different and needs to do what is best for her and the child. My friends that work tell me there is no way they could stay home with kids all day, without going crazy. They just don't have the patience. Then there are others who just plain HAVE to work - they have no choice financially. Like my mom always said... you don't know what a person is going through until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I'm glad I wasn't there when that lady said that to you. I might have had to slap her! LOL Don't let anyone get in your head like that. Stay positive!

D.
I know what you mean-it really does go both ways. I had a great career but my hubby and I knew that when my time came I would be a SAHM. It is truly the hardest thing I have ever done-I think each person needs to make the choice that is best for their family and don't worry about other opinions-the prob is many people clearly give theirs without being asked. For me, it is the same as people who nurse and don't and I was very strongly opinionated o that in the beginning-truly I think it is the very best thing you can do for your kid but not everyone chooses it (talking about those who can but don't or won't try etc) but it's like a commercial might say breast milk is best but if not we have this.

If you are happy and your family is happy that is what truly matters-people have a lot of ideas before they become parents then they see how it REALLY is and change their minds-unfortunatley in the moment they are often so judgemental they forget to respect others..

I personally have no prob with Moms that work but I wanted you to know I know what you are talking about-I encounter people who thank staying at home is a cake walk-it's actually so much harder but my choice and there is no reason to have such strong opinions to put on another. But just read the responses sometimes the yare often very judgemental-remember no one is perfect-but please being a Mama makes us all have something in common and how we treat one another is a choice.
IF Mama's can't be nice to one another who can?

I am so sorry you had to endure this woman's trite judgment! It is a choice that every mother needs to make for herself and for her family. It is about what works for you all not what someone else thinks you are supposed to do. My mother worked, and I respected her for her hard work and did not feel I missed out on any love or experiences I would have had if she were always at home. I am a stay-at-home mom and feel that is also a valuable choice, but it is my choice which I do not impose on anyone else. It is about being the best mom we can be. If being the best mom for you means having something outside of the home which brings meaning to your life, then do it without apology. Your children will be better if they see you have meaning in your life. For me, it means staying at home with my son. For others it means other things. Moms everywhere should the best cheerleaders for each other no matter what our choices regarding work. No matter what other jobs we have, we have the job of raising children to be the best people they can be for the world. We need to encourage each other and not judge. We all have the best and hardest job in the world in common.

So many responses already! In my opinion, if you have a choice to work or not to work - whichever one makes you a better mom is the RIGHT choice! The kids will be fine either way. I agree with other responses that mom's like the one you met are fueled by jealousy or regret/unhappiness with their own situation. (Also, they have no manners or brain-filter to say something like that!) If someone doesn't have a choice, then you make the best of it with flex time if you work, or mom's groups/volunteer work if you stay home - again, whatever you need to make YOU a better mom! About me: I also work, although I would rather stay home, (that isn't an option right now). I am grateful to have a 4 day work week. Between my schedule and help of my parents, husband, nanny I'm trying to be the best mom I can be with my situation now! PS: I liked the 'let's do lunch' part! hee-hee

Dear D.,

Isn't amazing how once some people feel it necessary to reform the world starting with YOUR family? I had the exact same thing happen to me...and not just from moms but dads, too. A few thoughts...

One, if being a working mom makes you the best mom you can be, stick with it. I love my job, was miserable at home with my extended maternity leaves (6 and 9 months, respectively), and am very proud of what I do. As a result, my children are proud, have learned from a young age that mom does not exist to wait on them hand and foot and that being in a family is being a part of a team. We all pitch in to make the family work.

Second, when other moms get rude about your choices, you might politely remind them that their opinion of you is really none of your business. If you want their opinion of your life choices, they can sleep well at night knowing you will most definitely ask.

I look at it this way. My grandmothers and my mom worked their butts off during the feminist revolution to give me the choice to stay home or not. Ultimately, the fight was one for a woman to BE ABLE TO CHOOSE what she wants to do with her life, not have a man or society dictate appropriate roles. If they CHOOSE to be at home moms, yahoo for them. If they CHOOSE to work, yahoo for them. If you choose something different, yahoo for you.

Maybe they're dealing with some internal insecurity about being completely dependent on someone else for their well-being? Maybe they're just a wee bit jealous? Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't even waste time thinking of it. Cut these rude people from your circle of acquaitances and fill the openings with people who are actually adult enough to respect a choice and support you in what you choose to do.

That said, let me assure you that being a working mom isn't a receipie for a dysfunctional child. I was the child of a working mom...way back when it was "new" to be a working mom. I was a latch-key kid before they coined the term. I now teach high school and just as many of my screwed up students are kids of at home moms as they are of working moms. It has little to do with the geography of mom during the day, and a lot more to do with the quality of the parenting relationship.

As for the anti-working mom dad, he made it clear to me that my husband was LESS of a man because he chose to be an at home dad. It seems I was "forced" to work because of his laziness. And, according to this person, all at home moms do is clean house and shop and teach the children to read. I once met this man's wife and often wondered how someone so intelligent could put up with attitudes like that. To each her own.

On the other hand, I was once part of an at home mommies group and the big concern debated after our babies were three weeks old was what level of SPF sunscreen was safe to put on baby because one of the mom's went sunbathing on the beach and her newborn got second degree sunburns. True story...

So, D., I say follow your bliss. Happy moms make happy children. If mom ain't happy, no one's happy.

Good luck.

I agree--it's a choice, and many moms don't have the luxury of making that choice. I was a working mom for the majority of my son's life, and he turned out just fine. In fact, he's now a loving father of three--a great dad.

No one has the right to tell you how to raise your child, or to accuse you of 'selfishness' because you choose to work outside the home rather than be a stay-at-home mom. It takes a certain temperament to be a SAHM, and we're not all blessed with that temperament. I really admire my daughter-in-law, my sister-in-law, and other women who choose that SAHM lifestyle because that's what fulfills them the most, and is what's best for their children. However, I know that my son received excellent care, and think he turned out better than he would have if I had been with him full-time at home.

The woman was out of line. Accept that some folks will condemn, others applaud. It doesn't matter--you need to do what's the most loving thing for your child, and let others respond as they will. However, there's no need to be confrontational about it, either. Maybe you can practice letting unsolicited comments roll off your back, or simply acknowledge with an "I understand how you might feel that way, but not all of us are best suited to be stay-at-home moms," and move on to communicate with someone else.

D. - I believe that so much about family is a personal choice, and no one has the right to judge unless if you are endangering yourself or your loved ones. Every woman is different with regards to mothering - I personally was given the gift of being able to work from home part-time, and it suits me quite well. There are days where I miss dressing for work and spending a whole day with adults but I am content with my situation. I respect those that are working and those that don't. It is wonderful that you have a flexible schedule and as long as your needs and that of your child are met, then everything is good.

The other mom had no right to judge you or voice her opinions in that way. She is the one that is immature and sharp-tongued. I bet she is just jealous and/or insecure.

Keep doing what you're doing!

I can't believe that anyone criticized your personal decision or that they thought they were important enough to have their opinion matter. Whatever decisions you make for your family are the right decisions if your marriage and children are happy. If your husband is there to pick up your child, then he must have a flexible schedule too. Your child is lucky to have 2 parents with well rounded lives with enough time to both help with the daily grind. I am a stay at home by necessity. I have a special needs 4 year old and a mother who needs a lot of attention so it would cost me more in daycare and nursing fees than I would make by working. I have found that working moms who later quit to stay home are miserable, because they already have the support system in place. The few I have met have all gone back to work and their kids are thriving.

D., That mom was very rude to act that way towards you. I am now a stay at home mom and loving it but I have also been a working mom. As you said it is a choice some of us can make. In todays world, most people have to have both parents working in order to survive. My family does without extras of going to the movies, out to dinner, etc. It would be great to have all parents stay home but then where would our economy be? No one has the right to judge others live choices and I wouldn't let that person get to you. I know many stay at home mom's and we all respect the friends we have that must work and we try to help them by watching their kids. We all must work together so our children grow up knowing that their parents choice (stay at home or work) was what was best for that family. All the best to you and don't let others make you feel bad because you work.

Hi D.. I've been in both places. I purposely chose a career that would allow me to stay home when I had kids, and when I had my son, I worked from home for his first five years of life. So I was able to do both, work, bring some extra money from home, feel like I haven't "lost myself" and was still there to raise my son. It took a lot of flexibility and creativity, but I don't regret it one bit! Now, I'm divorced, and I have to work a full time job, but I've chosen to put my son in a private christian school so I know that he is getting the next best thing to me being there. He's also in extended care at that school, again, so I know that he's getting the next best thing to me.

The bottom line is, what's important to you? Is your child getting your best, or when you get home from work are you so tired that there's nothing left? If you can balance both, then more power to you! If you have a trusted person watching them after school, then that's great! As long as you know your child is in great hands while they are not with you, then you can rest. But if you aren't sure if your child is getting the next best thing with his/her aftercare, and you are tired at night and aren't able to give your child what they need, then you might want to rethink the workplace and see if there's a way you can bring money in from home. The bottom line is this, when you die, you'll never look back over your life and think, "man, I wish I would have spent more time at the office." You're going to look back at your children, and your family, and what you did with the time God gave you. If you can do that now, and know you're giving your all, then rest. If not, make the changes so you can feel that way!

Good luck!

Hi D., I may run long but you asked. I was a stay at home mom. I had 14 yrs. with my husband before we had a a child (our miracle). My girl is now 17 I was told by some that I was so lucky I could be a SAHM I had many moms that told me thye wished they could stay home and see all the firsts in their child's life. Staying at home was a choice we made. I took care of everything in the home and my husband earned the pay check. I did it all inside and out. I didn't mind, I think it helped my daughter and I bond. I also volunteered for everthing that I could involve my child in. I think it has made her a well rounded person. And I in turn was always learning something new. I think everyone is intitled to make their own choices so there is no guilt on your part. You just continue to be the person you are and don't forget who you are! Once you start living your life the way others want you to you loose yourself. If it works for you and your family well more power to you. They could be feeling a little guilty that they are not out there earning a living. Who knows what there malfunctions are. Okay I said my speel. Wish you the best with the not so nice ladies (if that is what I should call them). Oh I resently became a sinlgle parent and am going to school. I do take my hat off to the single moms that have been doing this for many years. I am new at it and it is not that easy. Still doing everything, that life.
C.

I am a working mom as I have no choice. However I am happy with my situation. I think what you need to ask yourself is, why are you letting a stranger "affect" how you feel about yourself & your choice to work? That mom has no right to judge you. People like her need to remember that not all people are blessed with the choice of being able to stay at home. And even though you work and don't "have" to, that is your choice. Forget that lady. I would not try to befriend her as no one needs friends that will judge them. As long as you know in your heart that your daughter is being well taken care of, forget what others say! Let it be their problem, not yours!!

As a P/T working parent, I got similar treatment from a stay-at-home mom who was at my son's co-op pre-school and it really hurt and made me angry.
I think most moms realize that women work for financial reasons and would stay with their children as much as possible, but this is the reality of our current economic situation. Remember, she could also be feeling insecure that she has to rely entirely on her husband for financial support.
Breathe, let it go and make play-dates with kids (and moms) you like. :-)

I currently work from home as a childcare provider, I used to be a teacher. Let me say, I was a much better Mom when I worked as a teacher. I spent more quality time with my kids and actually enjoyed being with them. Right now I am so burned out that by the end of the day I just want the kids to leave me alone. For that reason, I am currently looking for a regular job so I can go back to being a good Mom. Don't let that Mom's comments bring you down.
~N.

You know what pissed me off the most about this was that you said she would not acknowledge you "OR YOUR DAUGHTER" for the rest of class. If she has some kind of beef with you, o.k., but to take that out on your child is just plain wrong!! Obviously she's got some issues....maybe she has a controlling husband that refuses to let her work and she is jealous/resentful. Whatever!I read your responses and LMAO at Debra D. below...put her on the "nut job" list! I'm gonna use that one now. Girl, you just keep on doin' what you do and be happy! Never mind the nut jobs!

I " stayed at home" although I had had a very good series of interesting jobs before I married. We always lived in foreign countries and took so many trips, I didn't have time to start looking for a job. Also to be honest, I wanted to look after my own kids who came rather late in my life. My mother had worked so I knew what that was all about too. She had wanted to live in foreign countries and once retired loved visiting me every year. When she worked I liked knowing her work friends.
You have to be yourself and drop people who make bad comments. After being the good wife and mother and traveling all over the world, we settled, for a time, in a US state with a very different culture from Los Angeles were I grew up. At the first office party for my husband I went expecting people to be nice to me. One lady, a nurse, came up to me and said, "Don't you think you are setting a bad example for your daughter."(by not working) This hurt a lot, but I just went on with my life doing a lot of volunteer jobs and taking too many trips to look for a job. Also my husband still continued to travel a lot. Anyway I have no regrets, but I did and do still miss the fun of going to work and having a life and work friends of my own. What ever you do in life you can't quite have it all. Just drop people who say bad things to you. They are just dull and too boring to have as friends.
B. v.

I am a stay at home mom. I truly miss working, well, not always the job part of it, but, the quiet time in the car, the grown up lunches, the money, the things money buys. I knew I would stop working when I had kids,and mostly I am happy w/ my decision. But, there are days....The other mom sounds like a toad. Yes, she could read it as selfish, because you are not giving 100% to your kids. But, I feel like our kids are all so taken care of and coddled. Kids need to know they are not the beginning and the end of the universe. Mommy has a job, to make $, for all of us. So what. Mothers like that give all stay at home moms a bad name. (you are right, it is none of her business)

Hi D.,

Sorry you ran into a stay-at-home snob! I've been on both sides of the coin now. I worked until my first child was almost 4 because we needed the income. He loved daycare and preschool, but he also loved mommy and daddy time, and we gave him plenty of it. I never felt we short-changed him in any way, and I do believe he was far more independent and less clingy because he had to learn to transition between caretakers at an early age.

By the time our daughter was born, we were doing well enough that I didn't have to work and we made the decision for me to stay home. I wouldn't have missed this time for the world. It gave me the opportunity to really be in my kids' lives, help out in their classrooms, and run boy scouts and girl scouts. They definitely benefitted from my being home, and so did a lot of other children in our community. I was always happy to help out moms who either had to or chose to work out of the home with no strings attached. Often, I envied that they had a "grown up" life that I didn't have.

Five years ago, I re-entered the workforce so my hubby could return to grad school. I figured that the kids were old enough and more independent to not only weather the change, but help out the family as would be needed. (DS was 14 and DD was 10 at the time). Everyone missed my being home, but everyone also adjusted. The kids became far more responsible and took over a lot of my chores, like laundry and cooking. I think this has really added to their growth. DS is now 19, renting on his own with friends, commuting to school, doing his cooking, laundry, etc. (He never comes home with dirty laundry! The only thing lacking is he really needs to get a part time job!). DD is 15, does the laundry, cooking, helps clean, etc., does volunteer work, is trying to start a home business and excels in school -- in general, has really learned to time manage, which is a skill that a lot of adults don't have!

As for me, being back at work has made such a difference in my level of self-respect and self-confidence. I was happy at home, but I'm even happier at work, and that makes a huge difference in my family's happiness, too. There's a saying: "If mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy!"

You have to do what's right for you and your family, not what's right for someone else!

I believe one has to ask themselves why they are choosing to work as opposed to staying at home. You mentioned that staying home is tougher. So does that mean that for you it is easier to go to work then to stay home? Or do you have to work for the money? Who takes care of your children while you work? How much is it costing you to have someone take care of your children. There was a report I read once that showed how working can actually cost one more money then staying home. With the cost of day-care, clothing for work, food, gas and etc. Of course if someone is a single parent...then that is a completely different situation with not many options. I choose to stay home but there are days that I ask myself if I would be better off at work. It is hard sometimes but the fact that I get to experience every second of my daughters growth is priceless to me. It is why I was blessed to have a child. I believe if someone is lucky enoguh then they had better appreciate the gift. Too many children nowadays are left to strangers to take care of them and we have much more issues with kids then we did when my parents were raising children. I believe it is that people have lost their priorities and money and materialism as become more important then people and our children for allot of society. Of course this is my opinion and please do not be offended by this. What you do is your choice. If you feel guilty when a mom makes you feel bad then that may be your insecurity about it. Maybe you should consider working from home or not working at all for a while. Just a thought. Best to you....

Hello D.~ Forget what that other mom said. She doesn't know what she is talking about. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. This is your life and I am sure you are a wonderful Mommy. I am a SAHM and I support Moms who have to or choose to work. We moms need to be supportive in every choice that we make. I give you and others praise having a career and coming home to be a mom. Talk about a long day huh. Hang in there and you are doing great.

Hi D.,

I can't believe how rude that mom was to you! She must be listening to too much Dr. Laura...

Anyway, I choose to be a stay-at-home mom. I am fortunate that I get to stay at home, but there are days that I miss working outside of the home too.

I remember feeling very self-righteous right after I had my son where I thought that every mom should stay at home. That must have been a rush of hormones--thank goodness I came to my senses quickly!

In my opinion, women should support each other's decisions to work in or outside of the home and to have or not have children. (Didn't our mothers fight for these rights in the '60's?) In an ideal world, everyone would be able to base this decision on a choice--working or staying-at-home. You've done this--so good for you!!

Shame on women who make others feel bad. We judge ourselves enough as it is.

I have friends who are working moms and those who are at home. I think that it is important that it is a choice either way. So, as women, we need to choose our spouses carefully and make sure that they will support our desires either way.

And for you single working moms--hats off to you. I don't know a harder existence in the world.

:-) D.

Hi D.,
Everyone has to do what's best for their family and you can't let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. You were right the way you responded to that other mother. I have to go to work - I have no choice but I would love to have the choice. My husband has a freelance job so he doesn't work all the time that's why I have to. The good news is that he can be home with our son most of the time - the bad news is that my son makes me feel guilty for working (even though he's in school most of the day and with dad most days after school). I explain to my son that I have to work to pay for the house and insurance but I still feel bad that I can't pick him up from school everyday. A lot of stay at home mom's do judge the working moms but a lot of stay at home moms wish they could get away and go to work too.

Although I wish I could be home more, I know I would not be a very good full time stay at home mom. My husband is much better at keeping the house up, cooking and taking my son on playdates. He is more outgoing than I am and he is friends with all the mothers at school. So our arrangement is the best thing for our family and I'm sure your arrangement is the best for your family.

I'm reading a book called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. There is a chapter on how mothers are always judging other mothers and how we have to stop doing that because we do not know their situation and they are probably doing the best they can. Mothers have to support each other and stick together even if they make different choices.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Quite frankly you should not worry about what other people think! You have to do what is right for you and your family. As far as that lady is concerned, she is the one who has to go on living being a miserable person, be happy in that fact. How unbelievably rude! Good thing she did not say that to me. I love working, and I love staying home. I am fortunate enough to do both being a Realtor. : )

I haven't read all the answers, but I am glad I stayed working even after my kids were born. I worked part-time when my kids were really small and then my husband and I divorced. I had a career which I could return to full-time and make decent money so I could keep the house and put food on the table. It's very hard these days to not have two incomes and I will bet that many who don't have to work have a husband who makes good money. Even if I was wealthy, I would work part-time (or volunteer) because it makes me a better mom to have my adult time as well as my kid time. My kids are fairly self-sufficient because they have to be but it also helps them in the world. If people have to criticize you, my guess is that they are envious. It's harder to be with the kids all day than it is to be in the office, true, but it's even harder when you have to do both duties.

I am a stay at home mom always have been, it has never bothered me other moms worked except for times at my kids school where as us stay at home moms are the only ones who volenteer, bring in the treats, help the teachers , and the working kids mom do nothing, but there kids are always included. It would not hurt to send in some cookies, watch the bulletins to see if something is needed. Even donate money to another parent who does volenteer, to help pay for goodies they bring in all the time. besides that, working non working its to each their own ,

I'm a working mom as well. Our choices are our choices and no one else's business. As you know, there is no perfect scenerio, and either choice comes witha cost and a benefit.

With all due respect, you might want to spend some time (maybe therapy) figuring out why this women's comment's has pushed so many buttons for you. Who care's what she, or anyone else, say's. If you feel good about your decision that's all that matters.

Hi D.,
Everyones situation is entirely different. I found that I couldn't manage the house very well while I was at home. The quality time with my children wasn't right either. However, when I went back to work, it fell into place very well. I believe that I need a lot of structure myself. My evenings and weekends are totally devoted to being with my kids and husband. My girls are amazing and very smart! Socially they will definitely exceed because they have been learning early on how to interact. My eldest is in 1st grade and excels in her classes and has lots of friends in school and at the onsite care. She isn't lacking in anything. Weekends we go to the library so she can pick out new books to read and we do other fun things that she and her sister love. Anyway, I've learned a lot of things, and one in particular thing that I learned from attending church and some small groups is that if some one has a problem with something you are doing it really has nothing to do with you. She is the one struggling with a problem. Maybe you nailed it in your email. Choice. The person doesn't have a choice or maybe regrets the choice that she made? Who knows why that person felt she should "attack" your way of life. I'm sorry you were hurt by this woman. She had no right and it was very wrong of her. Just remember, no situtation is the same, and no family is. Thanks for bringing this up. I've thought about the same thing too!

That woman was extremely rude. THEN to not even acknowledge your child was worse. Ugh. Some people are like that.

I'm a SAHM and while I do enjoy listening to (gasp) Dr. Laura, I am not judgemental of other people. It's a conscious choice and I'm much happier not passing judgement on people all the time.

I have a friend like you. She is a much happier person working than being a SAHM (i'm the opposite.) She is a VERY loved and successful teacher in a private school. :D

Are you kidding me? Tell those people to take a freaking hike! I was a career woman prior to having my daughter, I thought I would just go back and didn't. After six months off, I now continue to go to my office two days a week. vSo I kinda see both worlds. And yes some people are better parents for working. I just can't believe that woman actually said right to your face that you are selfish! I can't imagine how I would have reacted to that. I drop our daughter off at school two days a week and I would say the school is 70/30 or so working/ SAHM's. A lot of them do seem odd, perhaps it is attitude toward those of us are dressed up, but I always just assume they are non-social. Of course most of the suits always say hello, there are still some who don't. I am getting carried away with a bunch of nothing here. Basically I guess I would just say stay away from those small minded people and be proud of who you are! I also find when they ask me what I do and I tell them I am an accountant that there is some jealousy because a lot of them don't have much skill. So keep that in mind too.
The thing that gets me the most is you felt immature for telling her to keep her opinions to herself (GOOD FOR YOU), she is the one who was immature by saying those things. But bad on you for suggesting lunch! ;-( You have too much going on to surround yourself with icky people!

Hi D..

I'm a SAHM of a precious 8 month old little girl. I love being home with her but there are days when I wish I still had my job to escape to for adult interaction. I've found that there will always be someone who thinks that the choice you've made is not the right one. I get comments about how staying home with my daughter will make her too dependant on me and then sarcastic comments about how it must be nice to stay home and do nothing all day. Everyone has their opinion and unfortunately do not keep it to themselves. Feel good in the time that you do get to spend with your family, that's all that counts in the end.

There are always judgemental people out there, be it about parenting, politics, religion, whatever. You just have to do what is right for you. I truly believe some people are better parents when they are working and would go crazy at home; others give up everything to stay home and wouldn't have it any other way. You have to do what is best for your family. It stinks that you have to run into someone who treats you like that, but at least she made it easy for you to know that she is no one you want to be friends with.

Big question. I stayed home with my three sons and wasn't always sure I wanted to stay home with them. When they were all in school full time, I started little business out of my home and that worked for me.
My sister had 5 kids and worked full time by choice. Her children were better off with her working, she wouldn't have had the patience or the will to stay home and all in the family would have suffered if she did. They all helped out with the stay at home stuff and it worked well.
There is no right or wrong answer to this. it is your answer and purpose for your own life.

I agree. That woman was a Bitc# for saying that. Whether you are a stay-at-home Mom or a working Mom, or a single Mom, you are still a Mom taking care of your family. I've pretty much been all three to some extent. When I was married before, I was the working mom. Then, I got divorced and became the single working Mom. I became a realtor to have more flexibility with my kids. I am now remarried and am still a realtor and I love it. I can be home when I need to be and work out of the house most of the time, but my daughter goes to the babysitter while I show houses or go to meetings. My two older kids are in school during the day. Telling that woman that you should "do lunch" was way nicer than I would have been. Stay-at-home Moms that feel that way need to get off their high horse and shut their Frickin mouths unless they want their darling husbands to pay your bills too!

I do believe it is a personal choice if you have the finances to stay home, if not then there is no choice. I am lucky enough to get to stay home. I volunteer at the school alot and am on the board of the PTA. I don't feel any differently about my friends who choose to work, for what ever reason.I believe in live and let live.

Hi D.,
I'm a working mom, but do it because (a) I have to in order for my husband and I to pay our mortgage and (b) because I enjoy going to work. I've never had anyone question my decision and if someone ever would I would brush it off because they don't know me and don't know my reasons why I go to work. For that mom to go out of her way to force her opinions on you and to think she had a right to chastize you for your decision to be a working mom is appalling. And then for her to ignore you and your child is very immature. Is that really the kind of behavior she wants her child to copy? We all have our reasons why we work and why we choose to stay home and it really is no one's place to judge. We're all doing the best we can given our circumstances. Take Care and hang in there.

The battle of the mamas...We have so many things to deal with being moms period, that it is unfortunate when we are put on the radar and judged by others. I own a business, Belly Sprout (www.bellysprout.com) and still consider myself a "stay-at-home" mom!! Ha ha, right?! My nearly 4 1/2 year old just started preschool (2 days a week) and our 3 year old is not anywhere near going. My boys are with me or my husband 24/7 and we do not have a nanny or even a babysitter. Sometimes I can leave them with my mom for a few hours, but that's it. For me personally, it was never an option to place my boys in daycare so that I could work the store, so they came with me and I arranged my business so that I could still take them home for naps, be with them when they woke up or when they go to sleep. It has been hard to run a business and be a readily available mom; really hard! But these are the choices we made for our family and it is not for everyone.

There are some women who are better mothers because they do work out of the home, and we need to honor that. I personally love creating and attending the social events we have at the store when our little ones aren't involved! It gives me time to be a woman and replenish my spirit. If you are a miserable stay at home mom, that misery is spread on the little ones. I think it is best to be honest with yourself and happy with the choices you make, so that you can be the best mom for your family, working or not! Let other people judge is they wish...

I do feel that mothers need to nourish themselves and find creative outlets apart from our children, so we don't end up disgruntled when they get older and we are left with "now what"?! Feed that inner spirit through crafts, social events, a side job, painting, exercise or working towards a future career. Our children thrive when we thrive, so remember that when you do something you love. They feel it, so take care of yourself. It's hard but so worth it!

Only you know what is best for your family!

Hi, D....

I am a full-time stay at home mommy to 3. They are 9 yrs, 5 yrs., and 5 months. It is a tough job, but I love being fortunate enough to be able to stay home. We have made a few sacrifices (if you want to call it that) like not having a boat like one of our friends, or go to Europe for 3 weeks at a time for a family vacation, etc.. but that is fine and I believe our family is stronger because I am here every day for whatever may arise. I have been read the riot act myself, because I DO choose to be home. I was told that it's not healthy for a mom to stay at home all the time and not get "interaction" and "self-fulfillment" at a job outside the home and "don't you miss not having a _real_ job?". So, you see, there are jerks out there on both sides of the fence. You just have to let it roll off your back and try to remember that if you are being true to yourself and your family, then you will all be happy.

Thanks for the opportunity to voice my opinion!

L.

Proud to be a working mom. Kudos to the stay at home moms because it is a tough job. Whatever your choice, you know what works best for your family. I, personally, can't be a full time stay at home mom, but other women are wonderful at it. I would drive myself crazy. I honestly feel that I can be a better mother because I work out of the home. I don't feel I'm selfish at all and neither should you. It's all about what works best for YOUR family and YOUR family is different than any body else's.
don't take the negative comments personally. Great moms come in all kinds of packages, SAHMs, full time working, part time working, etc.

Hi I am a stay at home working mom. You did the right thing, She and others don't know your life nor do they need to know. I do child care out of my home for 18 year now I love what I do and I get to see my kids off to school, game, dance what ever they are doing. My kids are fine. You do what you have to live. We would not have family vacations with out my income. I think as long as you child know you love and care for them they know your there even if you can't be there all the time. We all have to work now a days. Keep up the good work

Try to shake it off - I'm a fellow working mom, and I cannot tell you the crappy comments I've gotten from people! I've gotten the range from: I'm selfish, to I obviously don't put my kids first, to I'm not a "loving" mom, to we must be really poor...seriously!!!!

For me, it comes down to this. Since having kids, I've managed to not only keep my career in motion, I've negotiated promotions and raises, which has meant that I've significantly contributed to my families financial well-being. I have a unique circumstance, I get to work from home 90% of the time, but I do go into the office two days a week for a few hours, and I do have to do some work during the day while I'm at home with my kids (the rest I do at night. But my working is "affording" me the luxury to take both of my kids to music classes, art classes, Gymboree play classes, museum classes, aquarium classes - literally a whole host of enrichment activities, every single week. In addition, when it is time for preschool (in about a year) my son will be going to one of the best, most expensive and most sought after preschools in our community, as will my daughter a couple of years later. And then, when it comes time for grade school - it will be an excellent private school.

So, yep - I'm driven by the money, and I'm totally greedy about it - but I'll tell you what, we have a blast every single day going off to fun activities and both of my kids have nicely funded (well...given the economic crisis...maybe not so much right at this second) 529 college accounts. So, when the time comes for them to go off to Harvard...I'll write a nice check and buy them a blazer.

Never, ever let another person make you feel bad for your parenting choices...unless you deserve it of course...but you don't sound like you do. Keep your chin up and know that you are a good mom!

I adore being a stay at home mom of 2 kids. I would have to agree that it is harder then being a working mom. I do it because I believe it benefits my children. Not everyone can do what I do. I was raised by babysitters myself and knew I wanted something different for my children. That being said, I don't think I love my children anymore then a working mother loves her children. We are all doing the best we can to raise our children.

Hi D.,
You shouldn't have been judged in that way. It is almost certainly true that you are feeling judgment by many stay at home mom's and I will explain why because you asked. Please don't take it as a lectue.
For mom's who choose to stay home, we generaly feel like we are doing the job God intended for us to do: raise our children. We feel its a higher calling than gaining self worth from work. I think many of us also feel lied to by the femanist movement and feel in our hearts that raising a family is what will bring true reward, not a job outside the home.
I was once told by a coworker who came back to work shortly after giving birth that she didn't want to "just be a mom." Our society tells us that "just beeing a mom" is not good enough. That same girl later confided in me that if at all possible one should take the first year off from work. She was lied to by society, but in her heart of hearts, she knew she had missed out. Some jobs are flexible and thats wonderful. But what about the mama's who barly see their babies 2 hours a day before bed time? From the vantage point of us stay and home mom's (and the one's who desprately wish they could be stay at home moms) this is a crime! Its unthinkable for baby and for mom. My heart breaks when I think of my sister who will be forced to work full time because of finances. I think of all the precious moments we've had. I wouldn't trust anybody else to help shape her little life, her morals, her outlook, her beliefs- only a mom can do it right. Thats what we are thinking. Granted, sometimes we need to keep it to oursleves.

My heart breaks when I hear about working moms and stay at home moms treating each other badly. As if parenting weren't hard enough!

I have been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. Neither one is easy. Both have pluses and minuses. The bottom line is that we are all working hard - whether it's at home or at an office - so we need to support each other. Parents need HELP, not harrassment.

I'm glad you asked this question. Best of luck to you and your family.

I haven't read the other responses but I personally don't think it has anything to do with whether you are working or staying at home, I think it has to do with unhappy people. It sounds like this is a bitter woman who is staying home "to do the right thing" and is not enjoying it or perhaps she really isn't qualified to get a nice job and it was jealousy. Either way, it has nothing to do with you or your decisions. The one you make is the right one for your family and no one can dispute that. I'm sorry there are nasty people like that out there!

I'm a a PT working mom. i feel that htere is no way for women with young kids to feel good about their choices ALL th etime. There are bound to be times , you wish you were wroking, and there are bound to be time you wished you were not working. i think th eideal situation would be being able to take 3 years off, and then return to work PT, then be on a 9 month contract with 4 days of work week or so. however, it is not possible. So we all have to make our choices , and sometimes feel guilty about it. Yet, tehr eis no other way round. We cannot be "perfect" moms, and "perfect" employees at th esame time. There are only 24 hrs a day, and 7 days a week. It is completely normal to want to have a career, and to have a baby. i think there is a compromise though. By working Pt, and taking things slow, I feel I'm making the best choice under the gieven circumstances (there is no sinlge best answer to everybiy). Am i the perfect mom? no. But I'm good enough, and avaiable enough to them. I know that if I were to saty at home (I did for a short while), I would go crazy in 4-5 months. But if I completely work and see my kids for 1 hr aday, it would be very upsetiing to me and my kids. So i try not to be a perfect mom who does th ebest all the time, enither do I try to be th eperfect employee who does the best stuff out there. but i'm good enough in both areas. i want to stress enough that wanting a career is completely normal. It is not that you choose your "work over children"! You don't have to make a choice- you need to compromise.

Good evening,
Well really it is your choice and no one else's. I have been a single parent for over twelve years, work full time, in Grad school, and doing my practicum and let me tell you it is tought but worth it. Sometimes we need to prepare for "what if," something goes wrong. It is ok to work and do what we have to as individual's, mother's, wife, etc. to feel better about ourself. Women just need to remember to balance our many roles and not get caught in only one. Many women judge mother's who work but it is better to be do things for ourselve's then think that the world we live in and relationships will always be Pretty and Pink. You do what you think is best for you and family. In my case i had no other choice then to prepare for my future and set an example for my two boys! Good Luck :)

Hi D., We are called individuals because we are just that. You don't have to explain your reasons for doing anything to anyone.
I was first a stay at home Mom and then a working Mom; the most important thing you can do for your child(ren) is give them the quality that they need from you. Spending time with your child(ren) is special no matter whether it's all the time or part of the time...the opperative word is "TIME". You love your children, make sure they know it in the things you do. Tell them about your job, that will help them know how you spend your time away from them. Ask about their day and really listen to them.
The woman judging you seemed like she might have been a little bit jealous of you because she can't allow herself to be apart from her children. Don't allow her little childish attitude affect you or cause you any guilt. It is a choice. Live and let live.

Sounds to me like this woman is unhappy for whatever reason. I went back to work full-time when my daughter was not quite 2 months because I am not a stay-at-home type mom. Luckily, we have a great nanny who was my son's nanny 14 years before! I talk to a stay-at-home mom across the street all the time and we are supportive of each other. Some moms are happy staying at home, some prefer to work full-time even if they do not have to just because they are happier that way, and some of us work full-time because we have to financially and enjoy our off time with our children.

Either choice has its benefits and deficits where children are concerned. In your case you are teaching your daughters self sufficiency and they get to see their mother fulfilled and happy. Those are really positive things to teach your children. Also your daughters are even less likely than yourself to be able to stay at home with their kids when they are adults and having watched you they will be prepared for that. I had the privilege of staying home with my kids but that was pretty much dependant on my husbands agreeing to it. So there has to be a certain amount of dependency built in to the stay at home situation. One can’t help but feel a little vulnerable when your choices are reliant on someone else. I think that is why some SAHMs are so defensive that this is the only way to go. This and it’s hard not to be jealous. I mean, when I would watch other women prance off with their hair done, in fine clothes, to interesting work, and to have conversations with adults I felt pangs of envy. That extra income looked good too. I feel I made the right choice for me and my family but there where moments when I didn’t feel blissfully happy about. You just have to figure that other woman isn’t happy; maybe she’s having one of the moments I described above. Never the less it’s her problem. You were right to defend yourself; she has no right to take pot shots at you.

I am appalled someone would have the gall to say something like this to you. It's such a personal choice . . . and sometimes it's not a choice at all, but a necessity!! I feel lucky enough to be able to stay home . . . that said, there are days when I truly wish I had a job to go to . . . somewhere with adults and productivity and etc. I struggle daily with feeling I am not a contributor . . . I went from being an equal income provider to being at home with our son, and, as I said, I feel lucky, but it's not easy. Financially OR emotionally . . .

As mothers we do what is best for our individual families . . . some moms NEED to work, some moms wouldn't handle being at home well, and it's perfectly wonderful. Some of the best mothers I know are working moms . . . and some of the "worst" are SAHMS. I myself grew up with a single mom who worked to support us . . . I never respected her or loved her any less. And my brother and I APPRECIATED the time we got with her, rather than taking it for granted. I worry all the time that I will be taken for granted, simply because I am HERE alllllll the time.

Sorry for the lengthy response . . . I just find this such a hot button topic.

Don't let this mom get to you . . . likely she is jealous. Seriously. Sometimes I am. ( :

Hi D., first of all this woman had no right to say what she said to you. I personally believe if mom or dad can stay home they should,your after personal opinion right. I was a stay at home mom. with no regrets, my youngest is 19 and I still stay at home, I do work as well I run a home daycare, my husband and I decided before we had kids that there would only be one eorking parent out of the home, and we stuck with that, my husband was mmilitary and we decide to live with in the bread winners means, we didn't have everything we wanted, but we had every thing we needed and then some, it was important to me and my husband to not have someone else raise our kids, my daycare kids are here with me 10 hours a day or more, by the time they go home they eat dinner take a bath go to bed, and then the next day is more of the same,as a Christian woman I try and pattern myself after the Probverbs 31 woman where it says she watches over the afairs of her house hold, well if I was working away from my home I could not do do that, I can't watch over my home if i'm somewhere else. I think mom's who work need to look at the reason they work, I have had a couple daycare moms tell me they work cause they would go crazy if they had to be at home with their kids, to me if thats how you feel why have them. As a mother of 3 and as a daycare provider, I will tell you that I think home is the best place for most kids, but a good daycare does them good as well, it gives them other kids their age to play with. You are not a bad mom because you work, don't let any one make you feel bad about yourself because you work, if it wasn't working moms I woudn't have a job. for my kids, I didnt want daycares in their lives, my 3 had each other, they are only a couple years apart from each other. so Thats my personal opinion. J. L.

I agree with you, it's a personal choice and she should have kept her opinion to herself. I have done both. I stayed home with our son when he was born until he was about 18 months. Then I got a part time job at night and I think for me it was the best decision. I was going crazy with no time for myself. Being at work was like a vacation for me. There is no right or wrong way to do it, you do what you can given the circumstances.

Good for you for standing up to her and letting her know she was being inappropriate.

M.

i am a stay at home mom, and i think that lady is a jerk! how dare she judge you like that! shes probably just jealous anyway.
you definitely dont have to explain yourself to her or anyone! you do what you need to, to stay sane!! all moms do whether they stay at home or not!
even if the moms do stay at home they almost certainly have a hobby that they go off and do. or take time for themselves once in a while, if you dont then you wont be healthy and you will go insane!!!

im actually an on and off stay at home mom, right now im at home full time but im going to go back to school part time in the spring when my son is one year old. i totally agree with you about it being easier in the office! its even easier at school! kids are hard and i give my props to all the moms and daycare providers and preschool teachers!! they have to hardest and most important jobs in the universe!!

One of the biggest dissapoinments I have had as a working mom is the animosity I have felt from my stay at home mom friends. I work because I have to, but sometimes I feel like it's the best thing I could do for my family. I cherish every moment with my son. I find that I do more with my son than most of my stay at mom friends do with their children, yet, I feel constantly put down for not being able to understand what being a "real mom" is like.

This may sound harsh, but I feel like stay at home moms who cast stones at the working moms may be insecure about their position in life. Since most working moms can provide for themselves and their family and don't rely on their partners for financial assistance, maybe they feel the need to put working moms down because they envy that kind of freedom.

I'm not sure why there is that gap between working and stay at home moms. I wish there was more of a unity between moms than there is. I guess all I can say is that if you are happy and your family is happy ...what more could anyone ask for?

Hi D.:
I think any mother,who so easily can criticize,or judge others and their technigues in mothering, suffer from their own feeling of inadequacies.They appear to come across as insecure,or unhappy with their own choices,or in some cases their particular situations.Back in the 50s and 60s,mothers had the option of staying home with their children,but our economy as it is today,has left many woman no alternatives.In most households,it takes both partners to make ends meet.Your considered (fortunate) today, if you were able to hang onto your home.Wether you were left with no other alternatives,or made the choice to help your spouse finacially,regardless,of wether you prefered to stay at home with your children,out of dedication,or married a man, that simply didn't want you out in the work force, Your A mother.I have great respect, for those mothers,who have the patience,drive, and compassion to care for their children 24/7, and I admire those women,who work to help their men,in the work force,only to return home,each day,to care for their children and the household.Your all special in your own right.

D.,
I am sorry that you had such a bad experience. Do not let anyone tell you your worth or that you are selfish.
I have been all kinds of mom in regards to my status. I started out as a single mom working in the Corp world. When my son was 4 we got married to an amazing man. Which made me a working mom and wife. 2 years into it all it was all to much and we decided it was better for me to come home and become a SAHM but that just wasn't enough for me. I started my own Mary Kay business and it works great because I work my own schedule.
Anyway the bottom line is that I am a mom and everything else is just stuff around that. The reality is that we are all working hard to make things better for our kids.

Hi, D.,

I worked for many years before and a few months after my first child was born. I quit working a few months after he was born (when I was 41) because I became pregnant with my second child and didn't like some aspects of my career as a teacher. At 42, I am a part-time student and mother of two.

My respect for another woman or man is not based on whether she or he works, studies or stays home with her or his child.
I don't know why this woman's "got her panties in a bunch" as one of my former bosses would say. Realize that she, not you, has "her panties in a bunch."

Lynne E

Yes, of course it is a personal choice. I am a SAHM, and there are days when I think I might be a better mom if I went to work for at least a few hours a week. Do whatever makes you the best parent when you are with your children! You don't want to ever resent being with them.

I am a day care provider because I want to be a stay at home mom but my family needs my income I am fortunate enough to love what I do and my own children have gained so much from my job and so have my children who's parents must work or chose to work because I am a good day care provider. The kids have already seen a learning video, learned about matching, painted a tree, had a snack and did music and dancing, have had lunch and are down for a nap (6 from age 1-4) how many stay at home moms have been able to do that with their kids. I believe that the most important thing is that you are a good parent working or not. I have seen stay at home moms who are at the park talking with the other moms while their kids are leaving the play area, falling off slides, hitting or not able to play because they don't reach certain toys and the mom is busy talking and I have seen other wonderful stay at home moms that look like they are superwomen with everything they do for their kids and family. Same goes for working parents if they chose to or have to work. I have seen the bad that leave and bring the kids to daycare because they pay for it or it's the hours it is open and don't want to bother with the kids when they pick them up and I have seen the ones who are dying all day to be with their kids and their world brightens up the minute they see their kids and are ready to take them to Disneyland, the park, or play after a full days work, do homework even though I am willing because they want that time with them and enjoy every minute they are with their kids. So I think all you good parents should pat yourself on the back working out of the home or in or being a stay at home mom both are a job. Nobody ever said parenting would be easy just rewarding if done right.

Hi D..

I am a working mom too. I have 2 daughters. Really, it was never even a consideration for me to be a stay at home mom. That was just something I never thought about. My mom worked, and I didn't get married or have kids until I was in my 30's. I had a house payment, bills, a job that I had been at for many years. I just didn't think about it.

I do wish sometimes that I were home more, and I have tried to change my schedule and position at work so that I don't miss anything important with school, or when they are sick so I can be with them. Don't get me wrong. I have friends that just quit their jobs when their babies came and have never looked back. They are happy, and I am happy for them. But even these moms tell me that they wish they could get away from the house, the kids, the husband, for several hours a day and just be themself. I think that every parent does what they have to do and what they are willing to do for their families. In today's economy, it is hard to make ends meat. I don't want to add financial struggle to the mix. However, if for one minute one of my kids needed me home full time, or I felt my family was going to fall apart because I was at work instead of at home, I would leave my job.

YOUR family is your business, and people who make comments or are rude to you because of the choices you have made probably have no clue. I know you love your kids. You know you love your kids. And, if at the end of the day, your child is happy, healthy, clean, fed, and all tucked in then you are doing what is right for you.

I'm not actually a mom yet :) but I remember one day in developmental psychology class, the professor was talking about a study that compared the happiness of children with working moms and stay-at-home moms, and found 4 groups. The happiest children were the ones who had a mom who stayed at home, who wanted to stay at home. A close second in happiness was the children whose mom worked and wanted to work. The least happy children had a stay-at-home mom who wanted to work but couldn't! So I think it boils down to, "If Mom is happy, everyone's happy. If Mom is not happy, nobody's happy". :) So if you're happy as a working mom, keep on doing it. Ignore those who tell you different, they might be jealous or just trying to justify their own choice.

D.,

I am a single Mom and believe it I get the same reactions from parents, not just Moms, but parents who think I am selfish for not 'making it work' with my Ex.

The fact of the matter is, I would love the chance to be home with my son before he starts pre-school in the next few months. I would love the luxury of not having to worry about making the money and taking care of everything, but this is the best I can do for my son. Me and him are a team, and we are in it together. Thankfully, I have the immense support of my parents, who have rearranged their lives to help me with babysitting during the day, so he doesn't have to go to daycare.

As for those parents, I think I feel sorry for them. You have to think what kind of child are they raising if they are so narrow-minded and quick to judge others for their choices in life. While, I'm not sure what age your kiddo is, my Mom went back to work full-time when my sister and I were in school full-time and that was her choice. Truly, if you feel your choice is what is best for your children and your famiy, who cares what those other parents think or say?

If your kids are happy and healhty and know that Mommy and Daddy love them, then you are doing your job. Honestly, I know some Moms who are awesome Moms, but couldn't do the stay at home thing becaue it's just too much for them. Some people are wired for work and that's okay...

I think one incident stands out the most in my mind, I was meeting my friends girlfriend for the first time. They had been dating for six months and he was so pleased that we were going to meet. We met them at his family picnic, and when she asked me why I choose to work, I was sort of shocked. I told her I didn't really have a choice, I was a single Mom and she went into this diatribe about how my son was going to have issues finding someone to marry and have failed relationships becaue he didn't have a consistent male role model...blah, blah, blah...and, now my being absent from the home was just going to make him an angry little boy.

Honestly, I started to laugh and she was angry and upset. I told her that her narrow-minded thinking and sad little perspective on life was going to make any of her kids she had in the future the kind of people who look at my family and pity us, when truly I pity people like her...I looked at my friend, and told him that I was sorry but I could not expose myself or my son to people who attack others for their life choices. My friend called me later that day, and apologize and thanked me...he didn't know what her views were and it astounded him.

I guess the moral of the story is that you love your children, and would do whatever it took to protect and nuture them. Just keep doing what you need to do to maintain YOUR family, and let those other parents think what they like...

D.,

I have been in all three areas that you are talking about. I had to work when my first born turned two but then was able to stay home when my twins were born. I chose to spend the first 5 yrs with my twins at home but I really missed working actually. When my twins went to the first grade I figured it was time to go back to work because I wanted to. I missed the learning, the responsibility, the social interaction etc. I would never trade that time with my little ones but thankfully I did go back to work because shortly after I went back to work, I found out my husband had a girlfriend so a single parent I became! Now my ex husband is not in the picture at all and decided to move to FL so I have to be Mom and Dad.I have early hours so I can be with my kids shortly after school not to mention they can attend all of the after school activities, sports etc. I take time off for school field trips and other functions. I dont feel that Im short changing them and if that is all they can complain about when they are adults then they have had a really good childhood! :) You are doing nothing wrong and dont let one rude woman make you doubt yourself. She was way out of line!! Not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home Mom. Oh and good for you for not completly losing your temper because I guarantee that if I were in your shoes, I would have made it very clear that it wasnt appreciated ;)

I think it's very rude of people to judge what other people do. Who are we to judge anyway? If you are happy being a working mom, it's nobody else's business whether you work or stay at home. I don't know why moms are so hard on each other. Aren't we all in the same boat? We're all just trying to raise our children to the best of our abilities.

Hi D.,
I hope you didn't set yourself up for criticism with this question, you have to do what's best for you and your family.
My husband works from home AND I stay at home raising our 6 mo old son. It's still a challenge for me and there are days that I just snap being physically exhausted! It's the nature of the beast and maybe this person was just having 'one of those days'!
I get a peace of mind knowing that I watch my son, I teach him what I want him to know, he can't tell me if someone was hurting him...ultimately it's the best decision for us.
Best of luck!
A.

Those of us who are able to stay home are so very lucky. I stay at home and I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel for the Mothers that have to work, weather single or married, I think they would love to stay home. The grass is always greener on the otherside. I do think that working is a selfish act if you can stay home, especially during the first 5 years of a childs life, but it is your choice and you know your family best. Do what you think is right for you..... and that woman was very rude. Good luck

Hi D., Don't let someone make you feel bad about your decisions. When I come accross people (women) like that I try to remind myself that people who feel the need to judge have issues. Like you, I am returning to work when my daughter is 3months. I would like to stay home, but a part of me also feels that I will be more refreshed by going to work and having adult interaction.

Good Luck and don't let ignorant women get to you.

Fai

I'm a stay-at-home mom. It was a decision agreed upon between my husband and I. We believed it to be the best decision for our son and future children. That doesn't mean that we have the right to force our decision onto everyone else's family. We have our reasons, and you have yours. My sister is a great mom, but she, too, loves her job. Everyone is made differently. To expect us all to do everything the same way is unrealistic.

I'm sorry that that mom dumped her bitterness onto you. She probably feels really strongly about why she's a stay-at-home mom, but is too self-sighted to see that your situation is different. We don't all judge.

My best to you. Please rest in your decision.

M.

Unfortunately, motherhood is to women what parties are to politicians. Over reactive! If you tell someone you are a stay at home mom you or a working mom, you're judged by other mothers like a politician who just told someone that they're a right wing Republican or a Left wing Democrat. It's absurd I know, but it is what it is.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

I've been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I believe it's completely a personal choice and is no one else's business. I've also heard others express strong opinions one way or another and have come to realize it's generally just to justify their own personal choice. Anyway, I'm currently a SAHM since the birth of my twins. With my firstborn, I went back to work when he was 3 months. I'm home now because 3 kids so little is honestly too overwhelming right now for me to consider working again. However, I personally am a much happier person when I'm out working. On the other hand, it's been wonderful and amazing to have so much time with my children. For those that have the luxury of chosing to stay home rather than work, it should only be their business. In reality, most people do not have the luxury to be able to not work so the whole debate is a non-issue. Just my thoughts...

I say ignore those types of moms. I work part time bc my son can drive me up a wall sometimes. I use my part time work to get away and have some adult time. I am a part of a playgroup and I go almost evryday. But I think working moms do just as much as stay at home moms. don't feel bad, you are providing your daughter with love a attention. And probably making your life financially comfortable.

I am a stay at home mom bc I can't afford daycare. I would't make enough money for daycare and to have extra money so I stay home. If you make enough to help provide for your family and pay for preschoo/daycare than good for you.

Working, or staying at home, is the choice every mother has to make. I don't think either choice is "wrong." I work because I need to. In addition to needing the money, I need to have some time away from my son. I don't do well staying around the house. Plus, I love my job. But, that is just me.

I know what you mean about other mothers looking at you funny, or making snide comments. Many of the mothers at my son's school disapprove of my career choice. Even my own mother disapproves of my career choice. But, I do not feel that my choosing to work is hurting my son. I also do not feel it is someone else's place to judge my decisions when my son is healthy, happy and well-adjusted.

I also have a sharp tongue, and I agree with one of the previous posters who said you were much more polite and polished than I would have been in that situation.

Staying at home does not automatically make you a good mommy. Spending quality time with your child makes you a good mommy. (:

I recommend ignoring people that make you feel guilty.

I think you have to do what will create the best environment for your family. It's different for different people.

I decided to go back to work because frankly, I was going crazy staying at home all day with the baby. And I didn't think it would be good for either of us if the baby was home all day with an unhappy mommy. Net result: My daughter loves the daycare ladies, I have a life, and my husband is happier. Also, we have more $$ so there is less financial stress, which is better for everyone.

Wow, this is such a touchy and personal issue and it is really often not a choice for many parents. I had to work for the first year of my first daughter's life and it nearly killed me. I so wanted to be home with my child and I was not financially able to do so. When I was finally able to stay at home, I longed for a "coffee break" and adult contact and the ability to control my day. I understand both sides, and it is pretty sad that moms feel the need to criticize other moms for the decisions that they have made or were forced to make. I think that those who criticize must have some insecurity about the choices that they themselves have made, and are trying to justify themselves.

you had so many responses i couldn't read them all,,,but i'll add that one good reason to work is the feeling of contribution and independence. To know that you have just as much of a right to financial decisions as your husband...and for the children to see that is very valuable to them also. I see way too many circumstances where the men eventually take over where the money is concerned and it really is a shame that the stay at home mom really has no say, but its logical also.

I have done all roles, SAHM, WAHM, and working mom. I can tell you from personal experience, you will feel guilt no matter which position you hold.

Working I felt like I shouldn't be leaving my kids with a stranger. Not working I felt like I wasn't contributing to the family income that I spend. Now working at home I feel like there is no balance and my kids or something gets overlooked. I think the husband also has about 90% to do with the mother's feelings too.

Wow, I'm so sorry that mom directed her anger towards you. It sounds like she's just unhappy inside herself about something (perhaps not being able to get out and have a little life of her own through a job?). Whatever it is, I don't think it has to do with you, or with the concept that moms go out and work and be mom, but it goes deeper. I think you're doing a great job and you're lucky you have a flex schedule. I'm a stay at home mom and sometimes it is hard even though I know it's considered by some as a luxury. Whatever the case, us as mom's and fellow sisters/women need to support each other, or a the very least not judge and be so hard on each other and ourselves. I'm curious if this woman is in support of Sarah Palin running for VP being a new mom of a high needs baby....(sorry, different tangent I know). I would have said something like you did. keep up all the good work and all power to ya for taking on another job on top of the most challenging one!

I think everyone would love the luxury to choose whether to stay at home or not...but it IS your choice. Be glad that you have the choice! Everyone is different! If you love and enjoy your job, great! If you decided to be a stay at home mom, great! It is just unfortunate that this woman felt the need to share her feelings on such a negative level. Don't feel you need to change what is right for you to get approval from anyone.

Hello D.,

Wow, you will get TONS of responses, so get ready to read some mail!!!

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM WHO IS NEVER EVER HOME.

I do work "on call" for a Cater. I have a very flex schedule. I am here for my kids at home, school and Scouts. I respect any Mom who can work and be there for her kids. If Dad shows up at school once in a while that is GREAT!!

End result: You have a happy child... Nobody can take that away from you.. EVER!!

My advice: Respect those who choose to stay home and also those who cannot.
Many Moms make their own choices based on need for the money or need for climbing the corporate ladder. It's okay.

No parent has the right to tell you what is best for your family. You love your child as much as this parent loves hers. It's a shame she has to be opinionated.

The best advice? I would respond... is this information helpful to me?? Then walk away.

The best to you, and don't stop enjoying time in the classroom. I think every parent should experience it at least once.

M.

I believe the woman that spoke to you was extremely rude. She had every right to express her opinion on stay at home mom's but to add demeaning you for that choice was unacceptable. With that said, I have been a working mom all my life. My sons are 17 and 34. I truly believe that they would have had a better upbringing had I been there more. When we place our children for the majority of their day in the hands of strangers with possibly different belief systems, they have a defined affect on how your children think when they're grown.
I am the last person to challenge the reason some moms work and some don't, but I do believe that if given the choice, it's better to spend as much time with your children while they're small and pick up your career when they have established themselves as good decisions makers.

Don't let one judgmental woman rattle your cage. There will always be moms like her out there and you have to learn to ignore them. Working full-time, part-time, staying at home with no work, staying at home and working from home -- etc. etc. -- there's so many combinations of work and family life now and it's a completely individual choice for each family. The best arrangement for one family might be horrible for another. You do what is best for your family as a whole -- taking finances, child care, your kids' well-being and your own well-being and life goals into account. If your child is safe, well cared for and well adjusted with whatever child-care situation you've got, then don't worry about working. You're contributing to your family financially, you're doing what makes you happy and you're setting an example to your child that yes, women do work (for pay) outside the home and that it's normal, healthy and you are teaching your child how to manage both roles (professional and parent). Don't stress about it. It was nice of you to try to make up a bit with the other mom but don't be surprised if she doesn't take you up on it. ... also, though you shouldn't say this to her, with the economy being as poor as it is, she might end up in a situation where SHE has to start working, too, so maybe she shouldn't judge other families. You're doing the right thing.

You are right it is a PERSONAL choice. I worked all through my sons first year of life. At first I felt a bit guilty but not for long, my son LOVED going to daycare and hanging out with is buddies, he would get so excited to see his freind everyday. I loved my job and contributing financialy to the family. I quit my job when my daughter was born 4 months ago. I am very sad that I quit and I feel depressed bacause I loved my job so much. My son and I do a lot of thing together and I love spending time with him and my daughter, but I know he is sad he misses his friends he misses his teachers and I miss my career. DON'T EVER lat anyone make you feel guilty because you are a working mom. You do what is right for you and your family, you will regret it if you dont.

Well, if I were you I would have let a long horrible tirade loose on that judgemental b#!ch. People who are insecure about themselves are the ones who are the quickest to criticize others. Obviously she has some issues about herself and her own life. I wouldn't take it to heart, I think ALL moms have a big job, working or not. She has a lotta nerve telling you you're selfish. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. For one thing, we are in 2008 for heaven's sake and you can't possibly think that working moms are bad people. Did that woman just fall off the turnip truck or what? I bet she votes republican and hates gays too. I never heard of such blatant ignorant conservative BS among moms in the same class. I say, cheers to you! It's not easy to work and be a mom. It's not easy to work or be a mom, and to do both is really a huge feat. What about all those single working moms out there? Are they selfish too? (She'd probably say they had all done something wrong to chase their husbands away, and deserve to suffer. I have relatives in the deep south, I know how the speech goes. "It just ain't right.") I am a single mom who works in the fashion industry, so I have a full time job during the "season" and no job at all in between, so I really do know both sides of the coin. If I ever got ridiculed to my face about dressing nice because I had to go to work, heads would fly. (Of course, I have to look extra nice because I sell clothes, but still) What was she wearing? A baggy sweat suit I imagine. I think she is having trouble with the idea of dedicating her whole entire life to her kids and is justifiying it to herself by insulting you. I personally am happier when I am working. Stressed out, exhausted, and never quite caught up with my chores, but happy. So f her! How rude. It would be fun to get revenge by starting a working mom's club and inviting a few moms and their kids over for a little party. Who knows? You might end up making a few new friends or babysitters. My favorite babysitters are when my daughter gets to spend the night with one of her friends. And then I return the favor and everyone is happy. You just go on in your high heels lady, I'm on your side!

This "lady's" comments were way out of line!! You were polite compared to what I might have told her. I am a single Mother of 3 teenage boys. I work 2 jobs (one full time and one part time) just to make ends meet. On top of that, I also coach my sons' soccer teams, which involves practices 2 nights a week, and games on Saturdays. We spend all of my free time together, go to church on Sundays, etc. For a non-aquaintance to make a judgement of my "working" life style is more than ridiculous! Kudos to working Moms (an oxymoron to begin with!) making the lives of their kids better!

Of course you're not a bad mom for having a job! I spending time with your daughter is important (obviously), but it's about quality, not quantity. If you lead a balanced life and are totally present when you're with her, there's no reason
why you can't do both. The one thing I would say, is to be sure that you have her in a daycare/preschool that is well-rounded and gives her quality care. As a preschool teacher myself, I take pride in knowing that if the children at my center can't be at home with Mommy, then the next best thing is at a school that is as close to home as you can get!
As for that mom, she needs to take a look in her own heart. Most people who are so quick to judge are probably feeling some guilt of their own!

Dear D.,

Have you noticed how strong and opionionated we all can be as women. We fight long and hard to make a decision that is right for us and forget that others might not be in the same situation. We forget that we are all different, our children are different, out spouses are different and our situations are different.

Some of us work so hard to defend to others the very choices that we most question in our own lives. For myself I get terribly insecure about some of the choices I've made. When a situation arises that challenges my choice in some way I find myself internally battling to reaffirm that choice. I need to prove to myself that I made the right choice. It can be very easy for that battle, that inner dialog to be projected outward.

We all want to be super human. There are so many opportunities available to us. We want to take advantage of all of them. Unfortunatly we don't have enough time, energy or money to do it all. Many of us feel guilty that we aren't able to do everything. It sure would be nice if we could give our children 12-14 hours of quality time, put in 8 hours at work, give our husbands at least 2 hours of our undivided attention, get our 8 hours of sleep and still have a little time left to really meet our own spiritual, emotional, physical and relational needs. Unfortunatly we only have 24 hours in which to do all this. You may not feel any guilt over not having the time to do it all and be it all but some are just irrational enough to really feel the guilt.

I'd like to offer you an appology. As a stay at home mom I offer my sincere appoloy for the unkind, unthinking, rude words that were said to you. I hope you can forgive all of us stay at home moms for any judgement you have felt from us. I and I hope we all understand that you have made the best choice you can for yourself and your family. I know you are a great mother,a wonderful wife and a fabulous employee.

Amen Sister!

I totally agree, I have been a working mom also, my spouse treats me better if I work and I would lose my mind staying home anyway. I work from 6:30 am to 11:00 now sometimes 1:00pm. So they get up and get to school, I pick them up, even on early days. I go to my kids school activities everytime I'm invited. I still get the evil eyes from some parents, but I have just learned that everyone has a choice, and to be better then them by always being the nice person. Maybe their life will change one day and they'll have to work and their eyes will be opened. We actually get the choice to do what we want, we are the lucky ones. I say I have the best of both worlds.

I'm a total neat freak and as my daughter stated to the family once. Our house is always clean, if mom stayed home she would clean more and throw out everything. She is probably correct. Your a great mom because you take time to do what makes you happy. Just remember your better then she. J.

That woman was rude and is setting a horrible example to her own child by being rude in front of her.

My family immigrated to the U.S. in 1975 as refugees. My parents could have done like many others and stayed on the welfare system while we went to school. Instead, they wanted off the system and were embarrassed to use food stamps and my mother worked as a waitress and went to school to learn the english language. I was already proud of my mother's career as an interpreter and how she dressed to go to work and always wanted to be a career woman myself.

Being home isn't for everyone. There have been days where my husband stays home with the kids and he's able to do so much more with them because he's not busy cleaning the house, doing the dishes and laundry, etc.

Anyway, that mom is selfish in that she believes she can instill her beliefs onto others without understanding their situation.

You're not making a bad choice hun.

S.

I have been all three. My personal feeling is work when they are little. They know who their parents are and they enjoy the interaction with other kids, learning social skills and other environments. It is when they are early teens that you want to have a schedule that puts you at home when school is out. They are too old for "babysitters" and too young for work. I worked when my boys were little, stayed home for a couple of years when my daughter was little and have worked a schedule that allowed me to be home by 4pm. My husband was home by 2pm. When my husband passed away, my daughter was the only one left in school so I changed my schedule to be home by 1:30. I took a financial cut to do so, but I only have three years left with her before she goes to college and I want to make sure that she gets the same benefits that my boys had. That said, you need only do what is right for YOUR FAMILY and what makes your family thrive. It really isn't anyone else's business what you choose to do. I'm sorry that you were judged by someone who is probably a little bit jealous and insecure.

D.:

I think it is wonderful that you and your husnabd have found a way to balance work and parenting.

My mother worked as an architect all of her life and she was a single parent, not by choice, but because my biological father passed away when I was 3. I always was proud of my mother and thought it was pretty awesome that she worked.

With that said, it was also my intention to be a working mother in the field of law. However, due to a million and one events in my life, I only volunteer as a lawyer at Legal Aid Foundation for about 6 hours a week. I consider it a luxury my husband has given me to be able to stay home and enjoy these early months with my newborn. Later, I hope to have my own practice and work.

Though I was conditioned to look down upon women who opted to stay home with their children, as my mother conditioned me this way, I think that one of the most important privileges won by women in the feminist/women's movement was that they gained the right to decide and chose whether they would participate in the marketplace as career women or chose to stay home or do both depending on their type of employment. Thus, no woman should look down upon or be condescending towards another woman/mother who makes choices about how she and her partner chose to raise their children.

I am not sure this is helpful. But it is pretty rude of other women to judge your choices in this arena. Do what is best for your family and what you think will make your children proud of you or will set a good example for them.

That's so so rude when people make comments about you working. I am a stay-at-home mom, but I think it's perfectly fine to work. A lot of people don't have a choice. If you do have a choice on whether or not to work, I think part-time is the ultimate choice. With this economy, I will have to go back part-time soon. When they are older, in middle school and high school, it's important to be around because that's when they are more likely to get in trouble, so keep that in mind. The best job would be to get off work when the kids get out of school so you can be home with them after school. Good luck, and avoid rude people that make comments about working.

ugh, people are ridiculous jerks. why did you even suggest having lunch with this horrendous person? you should not feel bad at all for telling her what you first said. gah.

to answer your question, i am currently a work-from-home mom, my own mother was a working mom and i know plenty of moms who stay home and plenty who work. not one of these choices is automatically better than the others. whatever works best for your family is the best option. good for you for being able to work. anyone who would treat you that way for doing so is not worth your time.

Well let me just say right off that woman was WAY out of line for calling you selfish.
We've all been on the receiving end of these nasty women's remarks - really what purpose do they think it will serve? Like you are just going to turn around and quit your job immediately because of something a rude stranger said? I guess it serves their own selfish purpose to feel good about themselves - how pathetic.

I don't work and we do make some sacrifices because of it. Although we never allow it to affect our child, only us, and we do it joyfully because we are giving her what we feel is the best possible life.

While I have very strong feelings on the subject, I never saw a reason to argue just because someone works outside the home. Likewise for those who sneer at me because I choose to stay with my daughter. It's a stupid waste of time, and it's perpetuated by magazine articles that are titled things like "The Mommy Wars." Live and let live!

D.,

I found your post very close to my heart right now. First of all let me say, you are absolutely right in responding and reacting the way you did. I think I would have been a lot more curt and less polished than you were. I have had the pleasure of being both. I was SAHM for the past 4 1/2 years with my 2 kiddos, and due to current economic status, I've had to go back to work full time. My intention was to do this when my kids were a bit older, but as I'm sure every parent knows, the best laid plans never work the way you want them to. Whether it's by choice or circumstance, how we raise our kids is not of anyone's business. That mom was way out of line. I don't feel working moms are selfish, and I certainly don't begrudge SAHM's. Each family makes the best choice for them. Good for you for standing up to that awful woman.

I am a single working mom and I find that no matter what mom's do, they always seem to be slightly jealous of the 'other side'. If they stay at home they wish they could work, if they work they wish they could stay home. I think we all just want to have the option either way.

D.,

I am a stay at home mom and don't judge, but have been on the other side of the boat getting much criticism from my in-laws for not putting the kids in daycare and working. My in-laws are an overly ambitious bunch and I don't think they are the best at raising children. There are a lot of nosy people out there and it's really difficult sometimes to ignore them. Their overly verbal opinions can be hurtful. I personally feel it is much harder work to stay home taking care of children all day, never getting any interaction from other adults and making financial sacrifices, but I also believe that I made the decision to have children and I should be raising them, not a childcare center, nanny etc. Even though it's incredibly difficult, I would find myself severely depressed if I couldn't be there to witness every new word, tooth, accomplishment etc. Those people who criticize you, I believe, are wrong for do so, as it is none of their business and they don't know your situation. But from my experience, people (men and women) who make the "sacrifice" to stay home feel that people who "choose" to work when they don't need the extra income, are doing so out of selfish reasons, therefore they believe they are defending the needs of the children. I personally see a lot of children who don't get what they need from their parents because they are never around. Not that your situation is like this.

You have a million and one responses to your question!!!

I am a stay at home mom. I knew before I met my husband and got married that that was what I wanted to be, since I was working as a nanny and was getting paid to be a stay at home mom! Sort of... I worked for women that worked full time, that had flexible schedules and for women who worked part time. They all managed to put their families first. My sister is a working mom as well and is the main provider of her family.

I can tell you from the other side, that as a woman who wanted to stay at home, I also have gotten the judgemental responses ranging from "Oh you are so fifties, to I thought you were a feminist, why would you want to depend on a man in this day and age? What if you get divorced?" This has made me angry and resentful as well.

But this was my choice. This is what I felt was best for me and my future (now real) children. And who can say what the best method is? I think these feelings stem from our own guilt and insecurities, whatever they may be.

You know in your heart that you are doing what is right for you and your children. I remember when I was an au pair in France, I worked for a woman who owned her own PR company. She worked all day and then came home to be with her children. I said to her "You have no time for yourself!" She told me that her time for herself was when she was at work. She would take half an hour and read the paper and drink a coffee, something it would have been more difficult to do if she was a stay at home mom. This was right for her. I agree with another poster, some days I wish I DID go out to work. It's hard to be home, but then other times I am so glad to be at home!

Be strong in yourself and your beliefs and these comments won't get you down. And I don't think your comment was immature. Making her a job offer would have been!

I think that its a blessing to even be able to have a flextime job so you can work and choose your own hours to spend as much time with your children as you can. Also, the fact that your husband helps you and picks up the children is a good role model for the kids that dad's are parents too, and do more than just work at some outside job and be unavailable to the children most of the time. (This is what my husband did--completely unavailable and emotionally distant.)

I have been a full time, stay at home mom for many years, and had the luxury of not having to work outside the home. We enjoyed an above average income, and this was nice. I worked at home on many projects, made chocolates, did Mary Kay, wrote a book, did a radio show, and other things, but they did not bring in much income. Therefore, my efforts were looked upon as frivolous hobbies and did not have any value in my husbands eyes.

My husband, a foreign national, was from a traditional Scandinavian family where his father was the breadwinner and his mother stayed at home. What I discovered, however, was that as a stay-at-home mom, I received even less respect from my husband and others because my efforts were not valued in dollars and cents, therefore I was considered somewhat worthless, compared to my "breadwinning" husband, and other women who worked. My value, self-respect, and job as a stay at home mom, (married to an unavailable patriarchal male) was worse than some working moms who have husbands who treat them as people. I was not so lucky. I became a slave to the home and essentially was a single mom, although my husband paid the bills. He controlled the money, was dishonest and saw this as "normal" for his stature. In other words, I paid for this sacrifice, and ended up in a worse financial situation than women who work, when I eventually got a divorce.

What I'd say to women, is to try and maintain a career if you can and make extra certain that your spouse helps share in parenting. Never give up your position of power and never allow a man to control you financially or otherwise. If you do, then your respect plummets and then you can be treated poorly. That's what happened to me. I love my child, but I am regretful I trusted my husband. In hindsight, I saw he wanted me dependent so that he could manipulate and control the relationship, because he saw me as a possession rather than a human being of any equality at all. There is no worse curse on children than to see role modeling that demonstrates disrespect for women and mothers. Now I am focusing my life on breaking this curse, so that no other women have to go through what I did. It was all a lie. (Patriarchal misogyny) I'll let you know when my book is out, it is entitled, "Breaking the Curse: Unraveling the Secrets of Family Abuse"

Hello,

I am a stay at home Mom but I freelance from home. I personally believe that every wpman needs to make the decision that works for them and their families. Some women flourish as a Mom by working, others by being at home with their kids 24/7. I have been blessed with the opportunity to keep doing what I was passionate about before I had kids and get to be home with my kids. That's what works for me as a pewrson so I can be whole and happy for my family. I don't want to feel I gave up who I was before I had kids because I might resent that and how would that benefit myself or my family. Be free and Be Happy!!! More power to you and your choices!!

I'm a working single mom. Some days I'd love the choice to stay home - but we have gotten used to eating and having a roof over our heads...so off to work I go.

When someone makes a rude comment such as this woman, the best thing to do is to say "Thank You, for sharing." sweetly and then walk away.

What someone else thinks of you is none of your business.

We all make choices and what we do works for our families, maybe not their's but that doesn't matter.

You'll get plenty of other comments, from teachers etc as your kids grow. Don't take them to heart, they are not you or your family.

Your question is completely unnecessary. The opinions of others does not matter. You said that you feel you are a better mom because you work. So be it. The world is full of opinionated, outspoken, self-righteous people. That is the bottom line. You ran into one. Surely it cannot be your first time! If it is, you are quite lucky, or extremely young.

Hi D.,

My grandmother told me something that has helped me in life, just like what has happen to you. "It doesn't matter what you do in life, doesn't matter how good you are, doesn't matter how bad you are, just that 30% of the people you run across in your lifetime are not going to like you" So when things like this happen to me too. I just think about what my grandmother told me and put that person in the 30% pile.

I too am a working mom both inside and outside of the home. Sure people can judge you for the choices you do in your life, but at the end of the day, we all need to do what is best for our family. I hope this helps.

It was none of her business and she was rude.

WOW! I work per-diem but I wish that I didn't have to work. That being said, I think it's your choice whether you work or not and who is anyone else to judge? I've always said that you are d**ned if you do work and d**ned if you don't. It's as if there will always be stay at home mom who judge the working moms and working moms who judge the stay at home moms. I feel really bad for you that someone would say something so insensitive and just plain rude to you. She is the one with the issues! As is everyone who judges. Maybe she wishes she could get a break by working every once in awhile. You never know. I know it's so hurtful, I've been there, but she's obviously in the wrong. Hang in there! By the way, I have friends who chose to work, those that have to work, those whose husbands won't let them work and those who love staying home. That's their business not mine. :)

I know it is hard, but I would just let it go or next time if she says something just tell her again it is not her business. I had my oldest son right before I turned 22, so 99.9 % of the other students moms are a bit older than me, and at times in the past they have given me dirty looks and probably had their opinions on me having a son that age. OH WELL, there are still a lot of nice moms out there who don't judge. I stay home, but with my 1st I wasn't able to until he was a little older. You do what you have to do. Stay true to your decision and remember that there are nice moms out there, no matter if they work or stay home !

Hi D.. I'm a working Mother of two beautiful girls. I agree that the time at work can be easier than staying at home, although if I didn't have to, I would choose to stay at home with them. It's not an easy choice. Therefore, whatever choice a Mom makes for the best of her family should not be taken lightly and should not be judged. Your reaction to her is great. Don't fret over. She's just judgmental and not very compassionate. I know it hurts, though, since we're already guilt ridden every day that we leave our child. My husband and I once met a couple in our pediatrician's office about how our child is not balanced because we leave her in a daycare, and how their child is a "miracle" child because she has never been away from them. They said they would give up their home just so one of them is always with the child. That's great. That's the choice they made and great for them. But, I think it's wrong to impose those same choices on others who has different situations and has a right to choose what's best for them. I just gave birth to my second child at that time and I came home crying and feeling very sad and guilty about having to go back to work in 3 months and leaving my children to someone else's care. My husband was furious. But he made me feel better and just talked me through it. He was feeling bad also for not making enough money so that I can stay home. So, what this couple put upon us was mean spirited. Anyway, don't think too much about it. You're a great Mom.

Hi D.!

I am a stay at home mom, and personally feel everyone's situation is different.We all have to make the same decision when our little ones are born. Some decided to stay home (if they are able financially), some decide to continue their career path, and some decide to work in some capacity part time. I think no matter the choice, we have made what is right for us. Unfortunately there are a lot of judgemental people around. I hate to sound like my mother, but I would guess that woman at your daughter's school is jealous on some level. I often think working moms are better parents, in that they aren't with their children 24/7, so the time they do have together becomes very special and is of high quality. I am not saying stay-at-home moms don't spend quality time with their children, I am just saying they time we have together is often taken for granted because there aren't many breaks. I cherish every moment with my children, and know you do to. Try not to listen to the snobs of the world. You know you have made the right choice, and believe in yourself.

Another note about my choosing to stay home. I feel lucky that we are able to live without a second income, but there are also times that I regret not being about to use my college degree, especially since I am still paying off the loan!