When Did It Become Shamefull to Be Stay-at-home Mom?

I worked FT 20+ years before I had my child and I thought it would be SOOOOO easy to be home with a kid (or two) all day. WRONG! Hardest job I ever had. (I work PT but consider myself a SAHM.)

They are just jealous.... or feel guilt they can't do that.
Ignore them.

I am a SAHM... no one has ever insulted me over it.
There are lots of SAHM's where I am in my own neighborhood.
It is hard work.

Can you say JEALOUS! I too am a stay at home mom by choice. Granted, not everyone can do it either financially or emotionally, but it is definately right for me! It is a very challenging and rewarding job and the people that are being haters just haven't had the chance to be home with their kids! Good luck and don't listen to them!

Wow, I wasn't going to respond to this because I see you already have a ton of support here, but Marta's response literally made me sick. I am a full-time working mom, but as a teacher, I have summers off from the classroom and I'm with my kids 24/7. I feel I see this from both sides because of that. I would never tell a SAHM that she was sitting around the house all day, or that her work at home was easy or doesn't matter. I don't think SAHMs are lazy or unmotivated, they are just doing what makes financial sense for their families. We can't afford to have one parent not work and be at home, so it's not a choice here, which is what makes financial sense for our family. So the people who say that to you may very well be jealous, I know I'd LOVE to work part-time not full-time, but still, I don't consider myself jealous of moms who don't work outside the home because I know firsthand that it is a tough, all consuming, sometimes exhausting and difficult job, but full of perks and great rewards.

But I am getting the sinking feeling that many on this board and especially on this post think working moms just "dump" (wow, still can't believe that one) their kids at daycare because they don't want to take care of them, and don't want anything to do with parenting, just want to see their kids for a couple of hours a day. Or that such kids are "being raised by someone else", that's my personal fave. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I can assure you that the working moms I know (and myself) struggle mentally with the reality or having to work, the fact that we are always and forever split between two worlds (the house and all that comes with it does not go away, we still have to clean and cook and do laundry!), and the guilt we feel about having to work in the first place. Sure, some moms enjoy their careers and actually want to keep them! But that doesn't mean we don't care about our kids or put them first.

Please, it is debates and comments like some of these that perpetuate the critical, "Mommy war" zone women have created. Why can't we just respect each other no matter if we stay home, work part-time, or full-time? Believe me, if I had a choice, I'd be home with my kids more, but that doesn't make me look down on you because you are and I'm not. So Marta, thanks a lot, but my whining kids aren't being dumped on ANYONE.

You are doing the most difficult job on earth! You are working upwards of twenty four hours a day, cleaning, cooking, balancing check books, shopping, doing laundry, and if that's not enough you probably try to look nice for your ridiculously happy family and husband. Who are these people? Are they paying your bills? Go to the nearest drugstore, buy some ear plugs, and put
out a box for donations to pay your bills. Otherwise they should shut up. Goodness gracious what is wrong with people these days?

I've been both a working mom and and a stay-at-home mom. Before I decided to quit my job, just before my second child was born, I admit I the same misperceptions about what being a SAHM was all about. Now I know that it is harder than it looks and the most underpaid profession ever. I don't think you can change other people's perceptions if they haven't walked down this particular path but you can join a Mommy & Me group and surround yourself with other like-minded mommies.

Why do you care? Do you really need a bunch of strangers to validate your decision. You seem content in your decision. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and your family, above all, are going to continue to give it to you.

You think other working moms don't face an equal number of criticisms? According to others our houses are never clean enough, we're missing our children's most precious years, our children would be better behaved if ONLY we didn't leave them in the care of others while supporting our familes. And in some cases, the only support for our families.

People are always going to have an opinion or make a judgement whatever your situation. You can't really believe you're the only one that faces it.

In fact...I'm pretty sure I will be judged and criticized for my opinion.

Get yourself some stay at home mommy friends if you don't already and get the support you need from them. And what others say just won't seem to matter anymore.
I stay at home and home school my boys. Yes I get some weird or negative reactions but most of the time it's pretty positive. And most seem to wish they could do what I do. I found that at first it was "sensitive" to what people thought but after a few years in it, it really doesn't bother me anymore. I love my boys and I am doing what I think is best. I respect that others have a different opinion and it may not be the same as mine. Come up with some funny one liners for those moments and use them the next time someone says something. Turn it around, you don't have to defend yourself because your not doing anything wrong. Once you realize that it will no longer bug you.
Best Regards from one stay at home mommy to another ")
C.

I've been a stay at home mom for 18 years and my oldest child is only 16...LOL It's the greatest job on the planet! I now have 5 children and I homeschool but when I first stayed at home, I had no children. I'm not lazy at all but I get comments from people sometimes. Some people think I'm crazy to homeschool. Everyone's a critic. Just let it go. You're doing what you love and your family will bless you for it. Good luck!

I am a SAHM and proud of it!!! I don't miss anything in my child's life!!! My dad used to be like that and he would ask me Can't u find someone to hire you? Come work with me??? GRRR!!!! and my SIL would say the same thing, wouldnt it be easier if you helped my brother with income???.
People think that because you are not getting a paycheck every week into your bank account you are not doing anything, when it is the exact opposite. I tell my dad, and my SIL since we were together my husband and I always wanted our children to be priority in our lives. I love what I do, and being a SAHM is not for everybody for a reason!, If you can't sit in your house all day and do nothing, well, neither can I, you can come see for yourself I have plenty to do everyday. I am right now helping my husband manage his business from home, but I still have laundry, cooking, cleaning, therapy, doctors, appointments, and manage it all 24/7 not only 9 to 5!!!
I love it, and I don't care, I wouldnt leave it for the world!!! If you like it, dont defend it is not worth it, people wont get it, just own it!!!! GO SAHMs!!!!

There is actually an increasing number of Stay at home Moms. About 15 years ago, they were far and few, most feeling that they had to work to make ends meet. More families are deciding in the last few years that it cost them more to work than it does to stay home (gas, lunch, clothes, childcare). Also, an large amount of parents were practically raised by the daycares, school, summer camps, etc. and felt that they missed so much family time themselves. They don't want their children raised by a daycare, or by anyone else. In fact, more parents are also choosing to homeschool their children for the same reasons. They want more hands on in raising their children instead of someone else influencing them day after day.

I also am a stay at home mom and it is all work and no play. We have plenty to do and when we run out of chores we can spend some of that important one on one time with our children.

I'm sorry your family and friends are judging you. You are working incredibly hard, at a job -- a true vocation -- to provide the best life for your family that you can.

I think sometimes, the attitude is because many people (esp. women, maybe?) are jealous that you have the opportunity and ability to do this, when they may feel that due to finances they cannot stay home.

When people ask you did you find a job, smile sweetly and say "Yes, my job, my vocation is to take care of family, by making our home a castle. I cook healthy meals from scratch, manage the budget for the family, on a tight rein; pamper my husband who works just as hard in his own way to provide for us; love, comfort and play with my kids and participate in engaging their intellect, imagination and humor. I keep our house tidy, and keep my family clean and clothed. Thank you for asking, because though I work really hard every day and my job doesn't end at 5 pm, I love it, and am grateful that I have this opportunity." :)

I am not blessed to be able to stay home with our son. But I applaud you for the work you're doing. Providing a loving, stable family, where everyone (well at least the adults, LOL) are working together for the family good, regardless of how that family is shaped, is a wonderful thing. Your work is important, and you are valued. <hugs>

You are not doing anything wrong. Nothing shameful about taking care of your family and not having an outside job. Wish I could be home full time myself! People who say things like that to you (since you aren't looking for a job) obviously don't have a clue.

I have loved reading so many of the answers to this post. I am a mother who was a nanny for nearly ten years and had the priviledge of working with the families of some wonderful women. I learned how much work it was to be with children for long periods of time. One child will keep you busy, but add siblings and you are multitasking just as much as anyone working in a high-pressure office. There are a lot of shades of gray, and every mother has to do what's right for her.

I do think I had a different situation than some mothers experience. When I explained to people that I had been working with children for years and figured I was qualified to raise my own son (and wanted to), people seemed to give me a free pass. Perhaps I have an unusually supportive group around me, but there's not much to argue with "I'm doing what I'm usually doing" anyway. I'm working again and it's a challenge some days, but I really enjoy it. It's a choice and I accept this. And I wouldn't be as good of a mother if I wasn't doing something that made me happy.

A couple years ago I read a great book titled "The Wall Between Women". In it, author Beth Brykman describes the challenges and skillsof both working and stay-at-home mothers; her insights into each group's general perceptions of the other are very informative. Brykman has gathered this information from interviews, and the anecdotal parts of her book make for intriguing reading. This book might shed a light on the misconceptions of others about our own circumstances, whether at home all day or not.

I'd also suggest finding people in your life who can be more supportive. You don't have to dump your friends, who just may not understand, but you might choose to spend time with more supportive people too. We can't always change another person's feelings or misperceptions--for whatever reason they have them--but we can certainly decide how much of our time and energy we'll give their criticism. I seek out supportive people in my life, and I hope you have a few good people who've got your back. Spend your time with them and remember--those people who criticize get to live their own lives. There's no reason for them to belittle yours.

G.---Sounds like they are jealous to me. It's sad when others think that caring for your children yourself is a problem. It's a sacrifice in many ways. They grow up so fast, you'll have plenty of time for a career.

I've staying home since our first was born. I have a bachelors degree and worked in retail. Not an optimal mix with a family. We've always felt that our legacy in this world will not be determined by our careers, but by the success and contribution that our children make to it. I have begun another career with my own business, working from home in the area of wellness education. I think that my passion for it is partly because of my years as being a mom and causing me to want to improve and optimize the health of all children. And, having a home based 'passion' still allows me to be with my children when they want and need me, even though they are mostly on their own.

Be proud of the fact that you want to raise your own children. You know the sacrifices that you are making and you need not explain yourself to anyone. They'll never understand anyway. As I said before, they are most likely jealous that they can't stay home with their kids like you are.

Good luck. Be well. D.

Honey, I care for other peoples children in my home, 7 days per week, 24 hours per day, every single day except Christmas and Thanksgiving. And yet when people see me or call me on the phone they ask me.... "Are you still doing the babysitting thing?" I've been providing in home childcare for 24 years! People say to me, "It must be nice to be paid to play all day". If I count the children that come only very part-time or occaisonally on the nights and weekends, and add them to my full-time children and my regular part-time children, I have 15 children that I care for. I keep a very clean home, teach them, and homeschool my 10 year old. 3/4ths of the world thinks and acts like I don't work for a living.

Oh boy, your post hit a big chord with me! I am so sick and tired of people not respecting what SAHM's do! We work harder than a lot 9-5ers- (no disrespect to anyone) Our job is non-stop, no 15 min breaks or lunch hours etc.

Let me say that you have done NOTHING wrong! There is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom! My suggestion to you is when they ask, do you have a job yet?

Say, YES!! As a matter of fact-- I do-- I am the executive manager of a small business that researches child development! (LOL) . Your response to " I couldn't sit in the house all day and do nothing"--- tell them, thats the difference between you and me- I work all day long and I don't just sit in the house and do nothing.

Good for you for staying home! Your kids will benefit so much~

Take care,

Molly

Hey -- I see you're in Detroit. I was born and raised there. Now I'm a transplant southerner, 25 years. (You're never considered a real southerner unless you're born to it.)
I hear you loud and clear sister! I could write a book on this and how it got this way. But I'll just say this, you have nothing to be shameful of, you're doing nothing wrong. It's become so prevalant in this society to think a person is not working unless they work outside of the house that people stopped questioning it long ago. Most of this attitude centers around the almighty buck. It's unforunate! This is not a new problem, it's an old one. I've personally dealt with it since 1974. And even when you're a person that has gone way beyond the call of duty or have educated or have accomplished many things besides raising a healthy, happy family, "they" still think you haven't worked. Family and friends are always the worse with this. For one thing everyone assumes raising a family is something anybody can do and that if you really cared you'd be out making a pay check. Everyone assumes the day care is the "normal" thing to do. People are so easily brainwashed. Some mothers just can't relate to someone staying home, some wish they could stay home but simply aren't able, some are better mothers because they work outside the home. The thing is this, whatever makes you happy, enlivened and productive is what creates a happy home. Happy Mama, Happy Babies. Don't waste time and energy fretting over such people, they'll never understand. Let them go. Let them say what they will and they will. Just enjoy. It's too bad they can't do the same. Save your energy for yourself and your family and anything else that's worth while. ~And one more thing, please stop calling yourself a housewife, let me explain. You did not marry a house, you married a man. I've been telling people this since 1974. Do not allow yourself to be called this. You often hear people say, "I'm just a housewife or she's just a housewife." None of us are housewives. And we're not "just" an anything. Be proud of what you're doing and who you are. My husband has always told people I was a domestic engineer and I'd laugh. He's an engineer so he relates everything to that. We are a person first and last and we have an important and valuable purpose and role to act out. Remember, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

I've been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and I can say definitively that they both have their joys and challenges. No, you are not doing anything wrong. You, your husband and your kids are happy and that's the end of it. People will always question your decisions if they differ from their own, from where you live to what you drive to how you raise your kids. There are women that could not stay home with their kids all day...I truly believe that. That doesn't make them bad moms...far from it. They know what they can handle and have made the choice that is best for their families. And people that think you sit and do nothing all day are either ignorant or not thinking before they speak (which everyone does on occasion). Just smile sweetly and say, "You're welcome to stay home with my kids for a day and see how much "nothing" you do." :)

The only other thing I can advise is that you think about why, after 2 years, they still ask you these questions. It seems a long time to question your decision. Have you said anything about looking for a job or needing more money? Maybe something is coming from you that makes them question your situation. If not, then I would find a nice way of saying to knock off the questions and say it every time they say something. Something like, "We've decided that I'll stay home with the kids until the kids are in high school. Then we'll reevaluate our situation. I hope you can be supportive of our decision." Then change the subject. Repeat ad nauseum.

Good luck!

Huh. My husband is a stay-at-home Dad and people act like he is a HERO. I envy him, not because I think his job is EASY (no way!) but because he gets so much time with our kids. And when he deals with tantrums, it's not from 50 year olds who ought to know better! : )

I have been frustrated by the expectations of some other SAHMs who KNOW my husband is a SAHD and who still think I should be able to bake cookies, volunteer at school, etc. (when they would never expect these things from their working spouses). Same thing happens at church (only the MOMS get asked to do week-day volunteer tasks, etc.) Oddly, no one expects ANY of this "extra" stuff from my husband.

It wouldn't bother me, except that I would LOVE to be able to do more of these things. But when it comes right down to it, this is what my family has chosen to do, and what is currently working for us. And it doesn't really matter that a lot of other people just can't get their heads around it.

Anyway, unless your kids are all nearly grown, those people are just being jerks. And if the kids ARE nearly grown, those people are still being jerks. Stay at home parents of little kids work like crazy. And while, with older kids, you may not have to run around all day to keep them safe, they still benefit from your presence.

You can't do much about family, but you might want to try to make some new friends. Surely you can get to know some other nice familes with one stay-at-home parent to hang out with!

My observation of that response in my own world is that one of 2 things is going on:

1) They truly don't get how much work children and husbands are and how much it offloads both you and your husband from a work and time perspective (not to mention stress) for you to stay home

OR

2) They are either jealous of you being able to stay home or insecure about the fact that they are not.

I realize that it is frustrating to hear people talk like this. But know you are doing what is best for your family and that as long as you, your husband, and your kids are happy, the rest of the world's opinion actually doesn't matter (even though it feels like it does). Also, you get the opportunity to raise your own kids instead of letting a daycare professional raise them. And that is something you can never recover in later years. Good for you, mom.

I wish that I could stay home and take care of the house and kiddo. I feel like I am perpetually trying to just barely keep up and that most of the time, it doesn't work.

I never thought about that side of things. I had the opposite problem. I had been in retail management (Home Depot) for almost 10 years when I married. My husband has 3 sisters who stay at home and home school their kids and a family that believes the woman's place is in the home. They should cook, clean, and keep everyone happy and healthy--period. They were very shocked and upset that I worked a man's job 40-70hrs a week and preferred it to the idea of being a housewife. Anyway, within 3mo of our wedding we found out we were going to have a little one, so at 8.5mo preg I took leave and began readying for the baby. We realized over that period of leave that we could not afford to add child care to our ever growing bills so I reluctantly became a SAHM. Now I have 2yr old boy and 6mo old girl and am starting to realize what a blessing this role is. All the things I would miss if I were in the workplace and all the satisfaction I get from knowing my family is well taken care of. I can't imagine working outside of the home again soon. I get to spend time enjoying my family and life every day whereas I would be lucky to get one day to get everything in order before. There are definitely 2 schools of thought on this subject. Ultimately the only one that matters is yours. You do what is right for you and your family and everyone else can do what is right for them and theirs!

Good for you...do what makes you happy! I do find it odd so many of your people are reacting like that, though, that's tough! :( Are you sure people know that this is your new job?? Maybe they think it's temporary and they are judging you for not trying harder? Of course, they shouldn't do that either, but I was just wondering if it was miscommunication.

I agree with Caroline that you need a little support group of other SAHMs. It sounds like you're happy but I know it helps me tremendously to have others that I can talk to about things we all understand! Hang in there and tell those peeps what's up! ;)

Rock on G.!!!! You are very lucky to be able to stay home and take on the responsibility of caring for your children, your husband and your home!!!! Don't let anyone talk you into thinking anything BUT the fact that you have the most important "job" in the world. No stay at home mom sits and does nothing...if she is doing her job. Find some new friends.

I have been a SAHM since I was in last month of my first pregnancy with our first child. Our kids are 10 1/2 yr, 6 1/2 yr and 4 yrs. We don't have family close enough to help out in any way. Plus my parents work full time.
My kids and my house keep me very busy. I love being there for my kids. Plus my husband the majority of the year he works until around 11 pm about 4 nights a week.
The people that saying comments to you..did their mom stay home with them? Do they work? I bet they are women and not men.
You have to do what is correct for you. I know staying at home is the right thing for me.
My oldest is going to be attending 5 th grade. He is a smart student but he has a focusing problem. He has great manners but the focusing is an issue. When he was in third grade we were in a car pool. I can't tell you how many times that year he forgot his homework. So I would have to wake up my two younger kids from their naps. Hurrry over to the school holding a small child and the hand of my 4 yr old. If I was working he would of got behind in school. 4th grade he improved much more. If I was working I would not be able to be there when he needs me. Or my other kids.

Hi G.,
I didn't read all the answers but I am sure most if not all have tell you that you are not wrong at all.
that is just stupid, working moms and stay at home moms work very hard and both have to give up many things in order to do their best for their loved ones.
And yes, I do also have got those stupid comments.
My favorite one was from my SIL, when I complain I couldn't keep up taking care of my MIL (I drove her around, take her to doctor appointments, cook for her, clean her house, buy her groceries, bring her with us in weekends, decorating for Holidays, etc, etc) when I said I couldn't take it anymore, she went and complain to my husband asking: "Why she can't take of my mom? She doesn't work."
In case you wonder I have 2 kids, age 12 and 2. She is a working...single.
No kids, a boyfriend and oh yes she has 2 dogs that sometimes she has joke that is "almost" the same then having kids!!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

I didn't know it was shameful. I'm a SAHM and have NEVER gotten any bad feedback. In fact, I have several working friends that say they would LOVE to be able to stay at home. Count yourself blessed and ignore the comments. Your husband and children are so fortunate to have you!!!

im very proud to be a sahm, and its the hardest thing ive ever done. if you were putting your kids in daycare, people would have something to say about that too. different things work for different families, if you are doing in your heart what you know to be best for your family, and doing the best you can, thats all that matters. cant please everyone, dont even try.

You are not doing anything wrong at all. I am a stay at home mom too and I guess I'm lucky that I haven't had to experience such negative feedback as you are. I'm sorry to hear that. You are doing what works best for you and your family. It's easy to say who cares what other people think but it's totally true. If you're happy that you're able to to be at home with the kids and do what makes you happy, then so be it. I guess some people are just not use to it and should start to because a lot of parents are doing it these days. I mean, I did have a few comments where they thought all I did was sit on the couch and watch soap operas. Totally wrong. My son keeps me busy with all the activities that he does. If I wasn't home to do it, who would. I'm happy to do it besides it's cheaper than paying someone else to do it. See, you're saving money too. I guess other people don't get the concept of that either. Oh well, their loss. So don't feel shameful at all. Congrats on being a stay at home mom! :)

It really sucks that your family and friends have this mentality. Like salaried work is the only work that counts in life, not raising human beings and working in a home. If your family's financial situation allows you to be with your kids, and you are happy to do so, and your family is happy, it is a HUGE AND AMAZING blessing that many people wish they had. Remember that. I'm taking time off to be home with 3 kids after 20 years in the job force, and maybe more later if I have to go back to work. I LOVE it! I'm so thankful, and luckily my family is supportive about it (not that I would care if they weren't) but they are judgmental in other ways about other things, so I know how it bites. My career friends all know that I'm busier than they are and admit they could never take care of three kids, hold down the house, do all the finances etc with a husband who always travels. For real, strike back at them for those comments. Like, say, "Really? you think I do nothing all day?" Totally calm and serious like you're sincerely baffled they really think that. Or, "Did I say I was job hunting?" or "Am I not living up to your expectations of me or something?" when they ask if you found a job yet. There are a million ways to respond. Don't let them get digs into you, and avoid them if they act that way.

Oh please feel good about your decision! If you are doing what makes you happy and your family happy then keep it up!

No, I am a SAHM and no one has ever said negative things to me. I can't imagine if they did! It is so hard and would be so much harder without support.

I am college educated, as are my parents (who worked all my life), and if they, or the rest of my working family members think this way they don't let me know about it!

They don't know what you do "at the house all day" so they can make no comment on it. Ignore it, avoid it, and be happy!

Marta's comment is ignorant and biased. All it does is perpetuate the "working mom" vs "stay at home" mom ridiculousness that exists. We are ALL moms and neither option is perfect.

YOU are entitled to do whatever is best for YOUR family and you don't owe ANYONE an explanation! The same goes for me, for Marta and for everyone else on this board.

Anyone that questions your decisions for your family isn't entitled to a response from you, in my personal opinon; I say ignore the comments and change the subject. BE HAPPY with the choices you and your family have made. End of story.

I know this is a late post, but, NO, you've done nothing wrong. When I decided to be a working mom, I got the exact same reaction from my SAHM acquaintances. You've chosen the hardest job in the world and I admire you for it (even though it wasn't the right choice for me).

My mother-in-law always says, "You're opinion of my choice is none of my business." Say it with a smile and you'll shut everyone down in the nicest way possible. If you're happy with your choice, that's all that counts.

Hang tough, sister!

Hi G.,
No, you are not doing something unnatural or wrong. The world has gone crazy, that's all. :) Keep doing what you are doing. Love your children, love your husband, take care of them in the way you are doing, and ignore the naysayers. You will never please everyone, so give up that notion. You are doing "the best job" in the world. Enjoy it and love your life. Yay you, and yay for your family. They scored huge! Blessings!
Oh, and the people criticizing you would probably think it was great if you had a "career" watching someone else's kids, cleaning someone else's home, or being a chef for someone other than your family. It boils down to whether or not you bring home a paycheck. We are reduced in value by some people to the bottom line, and whether or not we contribute to it. Crazy world!

Stop worrying about what other people think. Who cares? You love your family and they are happy and so are you, you have nothing to question, defend or argue for. Just get on with it and enjoy it, and don't spend time with people who make you feel miserable and insecure. Life's too damn short!

I hear it all the time! I don't care. My husband and I made the decision for me to stay home. I do get a little frustrated when people who work act as if it is super easy to stay home....I know what I do and I know it isn't easy. I have sacrificed a lot to stay at home (and do have moments where I wished I didn't) but I love it and couldn't imagine doing it any other way. I would be the un-happiest person in the world if I was dropping my kids off somewhere and going to work for 8 hours a day. But, I can see how some people would be un-happy if they were at home 8 hours by themselves with the kids.

It would be nice if everyone, including friends and family, would accept that staying at home with the kids is a personal decision and one that should be appreciated (also appreciated if the person takes the other route and works).

I think many people do have the wrong impression of stay at home moms, but oh well! I just work that much harder to prove them wrong :-)

No, you are not, but I believe that many people will feel judged by you. I have had to work my whole adult life. I am a teacher so at least I had the summers with my kids. I believe that I would still be married if I could have been a stay at home mom. But society needs to be accepting of working parents and stay at home parents. I hated to be told that I was selfish, that my children were going to be drug addicts etc because I was working. I would go to parties and listen to stay at home moms complaining that they weren't able to see their husbands because they were working all the time. That was when I wanted to yell, GET A JOB! especially when they thought I was the bad person for working. By the way my two girls turned out just fine! They are responsible adults and contribute to society. We need to be accepting of both working and non working moms!

It's just jealousy. People react in a mean way like that to someone they are jealous of, trying to make themselves feel better.

Just be sure to let them know that your job is actually harder than theirs, encompasses 24 hours in a day and the benefits are fantastic!

I miss work, but we can stretch the budget and i can stay at home, i feel absolutely BLESSED to be able to. Nothing is wrong with a working mom unless she thinks shes better than mothers who give up every shred of a social/work life to do what is best for their children.

We moved to this college town 2 years ago. It amazed me how many housewives are college grads. They left good careers to have the greatest job there is being a stay at home mom, 24/7.

You could either ignore their ignorance, or respond with "neither could I", when they say they could never just sit around the house all day. When they ask if you've found a job yet, just a simple "nope! Not looking!" or "I already have one!" Your response will possibly get them to shut up! Possibly. Congrats on being a "housewife"!! It's a fun job!! :)

G.,

I know how you feel. I have a 5 month old and bc she has been a very easy baby I started my job search. On Thursday I had an interview for a job that seemed really good, my only concern was that it was long hours M-F 8:30 - 6:00 (with mandatory OT when needed & possible Saturdays from time to time) I was excited .... until the night before. I had been out all day with my daughter and making dinner & it hit me that I wouldn't be able to do this if I was working. My husband works Sun-Thurs 2:00pm-10:00pm and I would rarely have quality time with him. That night I broke down sobbing in bed and the next morning my husband said to call the interview off. We don't live a lavish lifestyle to necessitate 2 paychecks and for us it was more important that our children have a mother around. We also knew that with both of us working and being stressed we would be short fused around eachother and the house would just turn upside down.
His mother was a stay at home mom and my parents owned their own company, so eventhough my mom worked she was always there. We won't ever be the family that has a BMW in the driveway or goes to a country club, but we will always have a warm, loving house and most importantly eachother. I think that bc people are so driven to keep up with trends or status they forget the importance of family. Honestly, most people that judge and make snide remarks are just jealous that they themselves could not do the same!
You shouldn't feel ashamed to do something that is natural to you!

When I was pregnant with my first child, my mother and I were having a discussion about what would happen once the baby was born. I told her that I would have to go back to work. Well....she informed me that I was going to be a terrible mom, that you can't leave your child in daycare, that it isn't good for them, etc, etc, etc....By the time her rant was done, I was in tears. I called my husband at work and he could hardly understand what I was saying I was so upset. He called her and 'chewed' her out. Basically said, If you are going to cause my wife to cry or doubt our choices, you will never see this or any other future grand child. Well, after a few weeks of things being tense, things settled down except for Grandma knew what line to not cross.

People are always going to have opinions. Are you happy? Is your family happy? That's your answer. I would actually say to them, "Yes, I have found many jobs, every day throughout the day."

Roll forward ten years in my own family...we now have three children...and I am a stay at home mom but not because my mother told me too. Daycare was great for my first child. In the end daycare for three children would eat up an entire teacher's salary, so why work? My days are busy and filled with being a manager to my family.

You are doing what is best for your family (as am I). Being a SAHM (stay at home mom) is a very big job & many people put us down because they don't realize everything we do for our family/children. I have been a SAHM for almost 9 years. I always wanted to stay home with my kids & when my first child was born 12 weeks early at 28 weeks gestation it allowed me to spend more time with him in the NICU & we were quarantined (sp?) when he came home to keep him from gettng sick & re-hospitalized.
Some people think our houses should be sparkling & perfectly clean, but we have too much to do with our kids & raising them.
Don't worry about what others think & if your family & friends really think it is so bad to be a SAHM then maybe you could make a list of all the things you do at home (what you clean, the special experinces that your kids have because you are home, what you teach your children & that they have consistancy in their lives that they wouldn't have if they were in daycare all day) to give them.
Nicely remind them that you have a very important job... raising your children & that it is you & your husband's choice & that you would like them to support you or not mention it (if you can't say anything nice you don't need to say anything at all). As another mom said they may be jelous that they can't stay home.
Personally my husband is excited because in 2 years our youngest will be in 1st grade & i can get a part-time job to help build our savings.
No I have never gotten this recation & our families are supportive. Possibly because they know that it is me & my husband's choice. We have never asked them how they feel about me staying at home. I think my mom is supportive because my sister-in-law has always stayed & my mom loved being home when I got home from school (worked nights). Also my husband's oldest sister stayed home with her kids until they went to school full time.
I hope everyone starts treating you better! If you, your husband & children are happy & that is what counts!

God bless!

I guess people are forgetting thatless than 75 years ago, that's what moms did. We stayed home, reared the children, kept the house, and cooked. Life was sijmple then. Now, we have all these people telling us that you aren't successful if you don't get a college degree and high paying job. Screw that! Being a housewife/sahm is the most rewarding job!! It is MUCH harder than other jobs...it's a 24 hour job...no pay...BUT, you get to be with your family. I thought when it came down to it...family is what is most important. I know my dad wasn't happy with my and my husband's decision for me to stay with our son (who is only 4 1/2 wks) but my dad can sit on it. If my little family wants to save money on childcare and decide that I should stay with him, then so be it. Don't let anyone guilt you....because your job is hard enough!

Get some new friends. You are doing the very best thing for your family. Others may be jealous or not get it. Good for you! You can meet SAH moms at the library, moms groups, church, walking around the neighborhood during the work day with your kids, etc.
Don't get discouraged! You are doing what's best for YOUR family and that's what counts!

Many men and women don't appreciate the role of a stay at home mother because they don’t understand it. My words of advice to you is continue to hold strong to your position as a MOTHER. Your #1 priority is to make sure your husband & children are happy. More than anything you have the honor to mold the character and morals of your precious babies. It is truly sad that society sees you as lazy or weak (not empowered) for being a stay at home mom. Fortunately for you, your husband is on your side. I stayed home for 2 years with my 1st child and it took some time for my husband to understand that I wasn't sitting on the couch all day watching Oprah and the View. I have a strong belief that once your friends and family understand what you do as a mother they will see that "lazy" is nowhere in the definition.

I am a SAHM and have been for the majority of 6 years! I have had a couple part time jobs when I feel I need or want to work. My husband loves me being home and so do I. You are doing what works for you and your family! Next time someone says something ask them why should you Pay someone else to raise your kids? I would much rather be home with my kids (ages 5,4,& 6 mo) everyday than go to work and not see them & miss many things!

I got it many years ago. A high school friend 'just couldn't imagine staying home all the time'. And when I lived in Sweden where my 2 oldest were born, I was 'worth' nothing. If you fall sick in other words and can't take care of the kids, you would receive from the state a certain amount of $.
Sick fees. And it is based on your individual income. Since SAHMs are considered living luxurious lives that they don't have to work and sit around with hair in rollers eating bon bons, they get the lowest amount on the pay scale. That's how SAHMs are viewed there. Lower than low.
Yup I lost out on being in the workplace and making some money. But the exchange was being there for my kids. What a lot of stress to have to quit work, rush home, and be there when the kids get home from school. And what would be the shamefulness in working FROM home?
Just tell them " My choice, we're all happy with it" and drop it. The grass is always greener.

Don't let it get to you, if it bothers you that much, get those people out of your life. There was a time when I had just had our first daughter and my FIL made a remark saying "Have you found a job yet" and my MIL replied saying "I think she has a hard enough job already". I was so thankful she spoke up for me, at the time my FIL was still very new to me and it made me feel very uncomfortable but after his wife said that to him the way she did, it was never once mentioned again. There's nothing in the world that says what we do everyday with our kids is easy or any less of a working moms job and there's nothing wrong with a working mom supporting her family, everyone's situations are completely different then the others and we do what works best for OUR family, not anyone elses. So again, get those negative people out of your life and forget their immature responses, they sound a little jealous and judgemental if you ask me.
Take care of your family and continue being happy with YOUR life!

G.,
I have not read all of the responses, but I do hope you are getting ridiculous amounts of support on this one. I mean, really...? Being a stay at home Mom is among, if not, THE hardest job out there! I think if you sat down and made a list of all the things you do on any given day it would add up to much for than a 40 hour work week, not to mention the self motivation it takes to maintain a schedule for yourself and your kids.
I would be willing to bet that the people who criticize you have not done what you do and can not relate. Maybe their identities are defined by their work and have trouble understanding how someone would choose to be "just" a stay at home Mom.
It sounds to me like you take great pride in the choice you've made to be home and that your home, husband and children bear the evidence that it works. Good for you. I'd tell your family to sit on a tack.

It's not shameful to be a stay-at-home mom, unless you are hearing from certain individuals who have very strong judgements about it.

It's not shameful to be a working mom, either, unless you hear from certain individuals who have very strong judgements about it.

Those judgements will always exist as part of a complex society. Sounds like you got lucky and have a few in your close family. You have the choice not to take it personally – that's their issue, not yours. Blessings.

I've gotten the rude comments too, from, "Don't you feel like you are wasting your degree?" to "What do you *do* all day?" I'm always tempted to say in response that I sit on the couch all day watching soaps and eating bon-bons.

It seems like a lot of people think you must be under-qualified for other jobs if you choose to stay home, even though most SAHMs I know have college degrees. I'm always catching looks of surprise on peoples faces when they find out what I used to do. (relatively high status job). Trust me, the job I do now is equally (if not more!) challenging, albeit in different ways.

I just think our culture in general isn't very child-centered. For example, teachers and child care providers don't get paid nearly enough compared to other professions. Heck, even pediatricians get paid less than other doctors.

It might be time to widen your circle of friends, join a mommy group or even check out storytime at the library. It helps to have people who build you up instead of second guessing or looking down on your decisions!

So no, you are doing nothing wrong, just trying to do what is best for your family (which ultimately every mom does, so I don't know why some women are judged for choosing one path over another).

I get that all the time too. It took me a long time to realize that this was what I NEEDED to do. I am reading a book by max lucado called cure for the common life. It says that 70% of people hate their jobs and dont go to work with enthusiam or passion because they dont like their jobs. I work from home doing my own business, take care of my 3 kids, am on the PTO board, take care of my house, my bills, grocery shopping, a 1 year old (my kids are 1, 6, 9) and we have dinner and breakfast together everyday. Maybe people need to take a look at how kids are today and scale back on some of the bigger expenses so that they can have more family time......

You made a great decision and are doing what makes you happy!!! You unpacked you bag :) (thats the theme of the book.... god gives us a bag at birth that most of us never unpack with the skills for our jobs for life.... mine is DEF a WAHM/SAHM :)

Codos to you for being able to be a stay at home mom. It is rare in this economy. I think they are jealous because you are in a position that you "Can" stay home and it seems to work for you.
Some people are comfortable doing that and others are not. But I think it is jealously. I am not in a position to be a stay at home mom. But, it seems to be working for you and your family. Ignore the comments and keep doing what makes you and your family happy.

I am not a SAHM, but I would feel you get that reaction because most people are jealous of your position. Also, since a vast majority of people work, it can be conveyed as such when you are in the minority. Keep in mind too that the title for women has been suggestive of weak and since women have fought so long to have a place and stay in society, it can be offensive I guess to those who are trying hard to make it out there. It is also a stigma that housewives do not have much work to do, but remember that everyone has a choice and to raise a family in a fast paced society these days requires time at home to offset the stresses that goes along with it. I personally don't think I could do it all day either, but I do think SAHM should keep themselves well, not think they are there to serve men only and do whatever they can to educate and better themselves. God doesn't require us to be stupid, He wants us to assume a role of helper and play that part well-no matter what avenue it takes SAHM or working.

yes i do. i am critical towards myself and then my family as well. the reason i am tough on myself is because for the world i cannot figure it out why did i get all that education? so that i can cook? i am torn, and i think i struggle with it a lot. i try figuring it out how would i make it work if i go back to work? if i do that means my kids would be out of the house form 7 to 7. school ends at 2:30 and then aftercare until 7. i just can't bring myself to do that. it seems cruel. i have no one to rely on. no family around. if i were to go back to work that would mean no more home cooked meals, and a dirty house. kids would be raised by teachers and aftercare personnel.
i can't.
but i am down because i thought i'd have a career.
then i think, when i do go back will i be able to land a good job? or start from beginning? won't i be too old to join the workforce?
same thing from my family. they're nowhere close, they know i have no help. they know my husband works 12 hr days, yet they say did we raise you and send you to school so you can become a housewife? (read housewife, not stay at home mom).
so i don't know, but it's tough, at least for me, to figure out the best way for all of us.

Going on 8 yrs for myself.I don't think it is wrong to work nor to be a sahm.Either way it's a choice a lifestyle and since everyone's lives are different as you and I we make what we do work for the sake of your children and families.Blow it off there are working mom's out tthere who would love to be a sahm or not and vice versa.A coment is just a comment.

I don't understand Marta's response of "GET A JOB" when women would complain that their husbands work all the time. My mother-in-law also acts as though, if I were working, somehow her son would work less. It doesn't work that way. His job is his job, and the hours are what they are, whether I'm home or not.

Anyway, I also get flack and comments for being a SAHM. I don't have any ideas for you--if people think it's easy, nothing we say or do is going to change their minds. Only thing that will is either them coming over and spending the day with me and my kids, and seeing how busy and crazy it is, or them having their own children and staying home and finding out just how hard it is.

But I'm happy, the kids are happy, and my husband's happy, and it's what works for our family. It's not perfect all the time, but then that's how life is. Time flies too quickly, and I know I won't regret these years at home. I always say that my worst day at home is still better than my best day I had when I was working!

It's kind of funny for me to read this because last night while I was falling asleep I was thinking that 'a stay at home mom' is redundant for 'a working mom.' DUH!!! My kids are in their early twenties. I was a stay at home mom and would not have traded it for anything. My husband and friends were all PhD at a university so I was surrounded by A LOT of pressure (of my own making).

One evening I met the university's new President and he asked what I did. I knew he had just met many PhD friends so I was feeling rather 'not as good as the rest of them.' When I told him I was at home with the kids, he looked straight into my eyes and said - "That is a very commendable thing you are doing." Obviously I never forgot his words. And beyond his words I felt his sincerity. - I have never regretted not pursuing a career. (I am a college grad and did run a small business from home.)

On the flip side - I would highly suggest that you stay current in some way in the work world - whatever that is for you. One never knows what life has in store and it's a good idea to have some experience or skills you can always call upon. (The kind that look good on a resume other than ALL that we do at home.

Congrats to you. Other's comments can be tough to take. When you find yourself questioning this or feeling upset, I'd remind you to remember your ridiculously happy husband and your clean, intelligent, well-behaved kids. - Sounds to me like you're doing one heck of a job! It takes a HUGE amount of effort and creativity and love to do what you are doing.

its kinda ironic right? years ago women were expected to stay at home with the kids, now those of us who choose to do it (or have to because we would be paying more in child care then we are earning) are looked to as lazy. its silly. I had a job once where I worked 9am-9:30pm, and being a SAHM is more work, I don't even get a coffee break! if someone told me they would like to sit in the house all day and do nothing I would just reply yeah me too that sounds nice.

You have just said your children are clean, intelligent and well behaved and your hubby is happy. You are your own family unit. Although it is hard when people put their unhelpful comments in, remember that it works for your family and you. That's the most important thing :-)I have been a at home Mummy for 8 years now and love it. I have 3 daughters and the youngest who is 4 will start full time school in September. I'm will miss her terribly. But I am now thinking that I will be able to achieve all my tasks during the day without getting stressed and then have the quality time after school to take the girls to their activities and spend the evening with my hubby. I have lots of friends who have to work and some who want to and it works for them. But my husband travels lots, so we have decided for the time being I will continue to be at home and it works for us.
You are not lazy, you are doing an amazing job! :-)

I work full time outside the home. I think it really depends on where you live and what is the norm. When we lived in a larger city, everyone I knew worked and that was the norm. We moved to a small town, and most of my friends are stay at home moms. Now I am constantly asked when I am going to quit my job! You just have to shrug it off and continue what works best for your family, no matter what you are doing. It is no one else's business what your family is doing.

I think some people are just jealous because they can't stay home. Otherwise why are they so concerned about how you spend your time. They are working and miserable and want everyone else to be the same. these people are just "haters".
No situation is ideal. people always believe the grass is greener on the other side. I think the ideal situation would be to work when you feel like it and stay at home when you feel like it or just switch up every couple of weeks but that does not happen.

I think you should declare yourself a stay at home mom instead of a housewife because when people hear the word housewife,they tend to think of us just sitting at home and doing nothing much and being lazy and just waiting for our husband to provide for us.

I just became a stay at home mom when my son was born almost a year ago. it is so much more work than having a 9 to 5 job. Being a mom and a wife is a 24/7 job. I think those that don't have kids or work just don't realize how much work is involved in making a home and taking care of the kids.

No one has ever called me lazy but I do get comments like, "do you like being a stay at home mom? I don't think I can just be home all day". They don't make any references implying that I don't do anything but they say that they just can't be home all day with kids.

I just tell them that I prefer to stay home and raise my kid myself instead of working so hard and putting my whole paycheck into daycare. I think it is a personal preference whether you want to work outside of the home or work inside of the home.

I like to think of myself as "working" to raise my kid and keeping the house nice and tidy for my husband. When you think about it we are almost like babysitters and housekeepers.

Dear G., I'm a SAHM NOT by choice but by circumstance. My company went belly up a year ago and I have yet to find a job. I always defined myself as a working, very involved mom. I've been working since 16 years old and knew living in NYC two incomes were necassary. I have to say I have days where i don't think I am doing a good job becasue I never expected to be in this position. My hubs was a SAHD for 2 years and loved being home and doing all the house chores etc. I admit when I was working and most of the moms I knew where SAHM's, I wondered what were they doing all day? Then when hubs was a SAHD, I got a little insight, but now I'm in it and in it deep. I am exhausted. I used to work 50 hours a week, cook dinner 5-6 night a week and do housework and I thought nothing of it. But now that it is my main focus as well as being with my son it seems like so much more. I feel like everthing has to be perfect because I am home with no other job to distract me. I give kudos to those of you who can do it and thrive doing it. I think for me I might enjoy it more if it was a choice and if we could seriously afford it, which we can't. There will always be judgement on both sides of the fence. If what you do brings joy to you and yours do you really care what others think?

I think it depends on the community that you live in. I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom, but we now live in an area that is very supportive of SAH moms. In fact, I think it's looked down upon if you give up that time with your child to return to work, unless you just have to do it. Now that I have stayed at home for 2.5 years, I think working outside of the home would be the easy way out. Someone else raises and teaches your child for you for 9 hours out of the day. You would only have to cook one real meal, only have to deal with tantrums during the 2 waking hours that you see your children, and then go to bed. It would also not be as fulfilling, rewarding, or fun. I'm proud to be a SAH Mom. You should be too no matter what your family thinks. There are many of us who do it for all the right reasons. We love it and our children are better for it.

I am a stay at home mom along with a business owner i run a business out of myhouse and take care of my 5 kids and my house and my husband and i hear and feel the same as you you are not alone the way i look at it is there jealous so be it!

i stayed with my kids for a long time.. they are now 11 and 14 and i work part time.. people say when are you getting a real job... haha... i have a real job.. i watch over where my children are and what they are doing and who they are with... i love it.. and i wouldn't change a thing... tell them you are a happy mom ... a happy house cleaner and a happy cook and wife... just laugh... if you are happy.. then your happy.. don't let them get to you.. i can always tell the "what I call part time parents.. they have no idea how or what to do... i see them in church on sunday..t he kids are running wild and they don't know what to do... because the daycare is usually who is watching their children 80% of the time... the pick them up .. make dinner -- bed and wake them up and drop them off... I'm not saying everyone is like that.... but i see a lot who are.... I have friends who work full time and are their a lot for thier kids too... but some people aren't and it's sad...

Updated

i stayed with my kids for a long time.. they are now 11 and 14 and i work part time.. people say when are you getting a real job... haha... i have a real job.. i watch over where my children are and what they are doing and who they are with... i love it.. and i wouldn't change a thing... tell them you are a happy mom ... a happy house cleaner and a happy cook and wife... just laugh... if you are happy.. then your happy.. don't let them get to you.. i can always tell the "what I call part time parents.. they have no idea how or what to do... i see them in church on sunday..t he kids are running wild and they don't know what to do... because the daycare is usually who is watching their children 80% of the time... the pick them up .. make dinner -- bed and wake them up and drop them off... I'm not saying everyone is like that.... but i see a lot who are.... I have friends who work full time and are their a lot for thier kids too... but some people aren't and it's sad...

I feel you, I have been at home now for 3 years and mostly my mom and my SIL are the only ones who have voiced their opinions. All my aunts stayed home with their kids and my mom thought it was the best, but I do it and I get looked at wrong. My SIL wants me to go back to work cause we are behind on rent, and I believe she wants us to pay for the things that need to be fix in the apartment. (we live in her house but we have our own apt and pay rent) I really don't care what anyone says, yes we are struggling financially but my daughter is doing great, really smart and that is all that matters to me.

I don't, but my family is very supportive. However, you need to meet fire with fire. Let them know that you CARE about how your children are raised and are going to do it yourself instead of dumping them off at daycare. It is a full time job that you are DOING for your kids instead of paying someone else to do it for you. Then politely ask them to BACK OFF and not bring it up again as it is none of their business how your family decides to run. If they can't respect you at this point, you might need to give yourself some space and not associate with them until they can be respectful.

I used to feel sorry for working moms, but now I realize that though they have a lot of work, it can often be easier to dump screaming whining Johnny and Jill off at daycare and move on to grown up intelligent conversation, and then hire someone else to clean up your home and eat out instead of cooking. Because honestly we can't do it all. But when you add up all those expenses it makes the extra money from your job drain away so quickly. And if you do try to do it all, you have no quality of life or mental sanity left at the end of the day. Is it worth it? Not for the dream of extra cash.

You might want to check out Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book "In Praise of Stay at Home Mom's", and maybe send them each a copy. ;)

You're doing the right thing!

I'm in Marta M's shoes. Most women tell me (more or less) that I suck as a mother for sending my kids to school/daycare and to after school programs until I get off of work.

I chose not to be a SAHM because when my dad and mom got a divorce, she could not financially take care of me... So, we moved into a home where I knew no one, had to suddenly share a room (I'm an only child) with who eventually became my stepbrother. That screws with a kids head. With my daughter, through my divorce... Her and I had a home just for us. Because I could.

I completely know what it takes to be a SAHM... I'm not cut out for it. It is a very hard job!!! My mother was a SAHM with only 1 kid... Then "inherited" 2 more after a divorce. I knew early on that I didn't want that job.

Everyone is different. There's nothing wrong with you being a SAHM but there's nothing wrong with being a working mom either.