Ok, I'm not sure if I'm just being grouchy and I know every family is different but this is one thing that is bugging me and I guess I just need to vent! This weekend my SIL and her family (hubs, two kids under 3) are coming for a visit from Boston (to Texas). My husbands WHOLE family is coming in too. Some are taking off work, others are taking their kids out of school to come here. While it's true it has been about 6 months since we've seen them and the kids do change quickly so I'm excited to see the girls. But we see everyone else an average of once a month because the rest of us live in Texas (not all in the same city but close enough to drive). What I don't get is how big a deal they are making--I mean taking off work or school? The crazy thing is we will be seeing EVERYONE again in two months at Christmas-time....yes, even the family from Boston. We're just going to meet up with them on Saturday/Sunday and I'm feeling guilty b/c my SIL (the host) is telling me that everyone else is coming in earlier and staying longer. There will be 16 people in all. Well, consdiering we just "officially" got the details (i.e. exact dates) for this visit THIS week, my daughter has a Girl Scout outing that has been planned for over a month (special field trip we already paid for) and I'm not about to have my kids skip school. We see most of these people ALL the time I feel like. Now mind you, we live on the opposite side of town (about an hour away) so are closest and it's easy for us to just come for a couple of days. But what I don't like is how the rest of them try to make us feel guilty for not spending more time there. I know the only person who can make myself feel guilty is me but it is bugging me. We will end up having a good time but what I hate is the methods to get us there and how they make us feel like we're never spending quite enough time there. Um, yeah, we have a life. Oh, and BTW my SIL from Boston hasn't even called, emailed or texted to let us know she's coming--actually, that's not true, she sent a copy of her email receipt of their plane tickets. I tried calling and/or emailing a couple of months ago when her daughter turned one and she never bothered to get back with me. Perhaps I'm feeling resentful about that still. And I've been a part of this family for over 20 years!
Ok, that's my vent! Am I being too unreasonable?
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I think I just needed some perspective and you all have helped! One thing I didn't mention is that this last week has been somewhat stressful for me personally b/c of some family health issues (my father in hospital and me injuring my back) as well as some other not-usual stressors. We've been on the go to something nearly every weekend for the last month so I think I was just feeling overwhelmed by yet another all-weekend activity. This time of year is so busy but indeed many fun opportunities to enjoy our family and the kids with their cousins!
Yes very grouchy about the in-law family, even resentment
BUT AT THE SAME TIME VERY CAUTIOUS OF MY OWN FAMILY'S INVOLVEMENT OR PARTICIPATION IN MY FAMILY'S BASIC DAILY LIFE
OK, you've had your vent.
And maybe you and I are related. My in-laws and the other folks on that side were always like that. They are all communicationally challenged (I don't think communicationally is a word). We'd get notice maybe a couple of days in advance that they were coming to our house from their home across the country.
They wouldn't change, so we had to roll with it; it was better for my children to have good relationships with their relatives than for me to try to teach the relatives courtesy. MY MIL still does this; on a week's notice she visited us this past summer for almost a month.
Don't cancel your family's other plans; just be gracious, participate when you can, and let everybody have a good time around you. Nobody can lay a guilt trip on you; you lay it on yourself. You can refuse to accept that baggage. Just smile and change the subject. Try this: change the subject to something about the speaker, because most people like to talk about themselves, and they'll forget that they were trying to load some guilt on you. :^)
If I would do it for my family then I would do it for my husband's . . . that's pretty much how I look at it.
Perhaps they feel somewhat "left out" of your husband's life. Sometimes the guys gravitate towards the wife's family (because we wives coordinate the social events). I'm not saying they do - just throwing it out there for consideration.
My first marriage ended, and a small part of it was due to a really rocky relationship with my in-laws (and it didn't start out that way - we had a great relationship at first). I wasn't solely to blame, though I did have my part in it. Looking back I just wish I had been more patient and gracious. A little grace can go a long way.
I would look forward to my children getting that time with their cousins.
Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you guys.
OK I might not be the norm, but this sounds like a rare event. I would love for my daughter to be surrounded by 16+ family members to bond with. Its somethnig the cousins and aunts and uncles will all look back on. It doesnt matter if you visit once a week, a weekend getaway or more with family is a trip they'll talk abput for years to come. We saw my moms 8 brothers and sisters and my cousins weekly growing up and all did the shore together every year and its something we all look back on fondly. I hope one day my daughter can have that. I say the girl scouts are fun BUT this is FAMILY and family doesnt live forever, cherish this time, if you can take off and enjoy everyone. Also she sounds hurt by something if she didn't respond to your happy birthday wishes. plus if you havent seen your niece since she turned one you should make a big deal and bring a present
Sorry, I wouldn't take the kids out of school to see folks that they see regularly anyway.
Be sure and do the Scout thing. As a former leader I feel strongly about the importance of participating in that stuff, and it's important memory-building, too.
I can understand why you are irritated. Especially because you have some stressful events in your life right now (sick dad and your back). However, if you take a step back and breathe, what your family is doing is fantastic! Get together as often as possible. Sometimes, you are going to get on each other's nerves but they are being good family by taking time out of their too, busy schedules, to be with family. It's great for your kids. I really think this irritation is coming from the stress in your life right now, more than anything. I wouldn't necessarily take the kids out of school but can you skip the Girl Scout outing? Try to make the most of it. In the end, you will most likely be glad it happened. Just imagine if you were flying cross country. They really are going out of their way. Have a great weekend!
With all that is going on for you this past week, it sounds like you just needed to vent. Enjoy their visit, don't expect people to behave like you (calling ahead of time, not taking off school, their methods, etc.), enjoy their visit, do your girl scout thing, enjoy their visit, keep your kids in school, enjoy their visit, don't feel guilty, and don't forget ... really enjoy their visit! Fake it until you make it.
My SIL just passed away so I am all about spending as much time together with family. Sometimes it will be just a couple families, but as much as possible, we want to do the whole family. There is such a fun dynamic when all the families are together, even if it is just for a couple days.
Yes, it does sound as is you are quite perturbed by the in-laws' activities. I would suck it up and go. It's nice they are making such an effort to get together. Some families only see each other at funerals, so a happy event is nice. Some families really don't tire of spending time with each other. And remember, they have to put up with you too. Make the effort and a decision to go and enjoy yourself. After 20 years, you should know what to expect and know how to manage their expectations.
Personally, I wouldn't take my kids out of school either. Once my family planned a big event several states away in May. We said no to taking our kids out of school and opted to drive out for a visit over summer vacation instead. Some relatives were a little miffed about our decision, but that was their issue, not ours. We were very comfortable knowing our girls would still get family bonding time, and we would be able to work that around the school calendar. Every parent feels a little different about this. You respect others choices, they ought to respect yours. As far as the Girl Scout event, as long as your DD's non-participation would not negatively effect the rest of the group, I would give her the choice about which she would rather do that weekend. You may lose the money you paid, I guess that is up to you and DH whether or not the amount is worth worrying about. If it would be a significant hardship, I would keep the GS plans and do as much with your DH's family as your schedule permits.
Might want to tack a question on at the end... otherwise it'll probably get pulled.
