Sister-in-law with Grandparent Monopoly

Any advice on how I go about pointing out they have a monopoly on grandparents?
No-not really-either Gran or SIL has to have this epiphany.

Honestly it's none of your business, unless the IL's talk to your husband and ask him to intervene on their behalf or are complaining that it's too much for them to handle. Maybe your MIL really enjoys this. Does she complain or mention that it's too much? These are all adults you are talking about and unless someone is taking advantage of someone else who is of limited capacity who can't defend him or herself, their childcare arrangements are their business. Your IL's owe childcare to neither of you. If they choose to help her out because she asks or they offered or whatever, that should have no bearing on your own situation. If you need a sitter, ask your ILs or hire one.

As a Granny, I would SOOOOO not like hearing that my main value to my daughter and son-in-law is that they can use my free babysitting services. That's pretty much how your post sounds to me.

I do sit my grandson, and love it because it's freely chosen. My daughter and son-in-law also go out of their way to be supportive and generous with me. My grandson adores me. It's a loving, balanced and healthy arrangement for all of us.

Your SIL has needs that you apparently don't, and it's possible that the grandparents are a touch enabling. But maybe not – maybe the time they offer the other grandchildren is truly needed and appreciated. We can't fully comprehend another's position unless we've walked in their shoes.

If I were in your position, I'd make a point of visiting the grands, taking them a thoughtful gift once in awhile, maybe inviting them out for dinner. I'd want to make stress-free opportunities for my children to know them. I would not make any of it about free babysitting.

Who knows, after your SIL has the nanny for awhile, or after her children are somewhat older, she will probably become fine with leaving her children with the nanny. I hope you'll give this time to sort itself out. The current situation is not "fair," perhaps, but it may be the best version of reality for the time being.

I agree with Robin-- the grandparents have to decide when enough is enough.

It may be that your SIL has trust issues with non-family. She's going to have to work through that on their own, when your in-laws decide to address it. *IF* they decide to address it.

My son is the lowest man on the grandparental totem pole, BTW, so I sort of get it. It's not fair, it just is. All I can do is to help him have the best relationship with them them that he can, be it through the mail or occasional visits. Yep, it's hard. (They come into town and don't have time for us, but for others. :( ) I've had to accept that grandparents make their choices on their reasoning-- I don't understand it, really, but it's what I have to accept. I accept it and move on. :)

I agree with Peg - I don' t think there's really any entitlement to baby sitting from grandparents (in laws or not) and although it may not have been your intention - your post seems to be about babysitting rather than actual visitation/quality time with G-parents.

It does sounds like your SIL simply needs them more than you with respect to childcare - after all she is working outside the home which requires some sort of babysitting or daycare. if your question is more complex - ie you are thinking about going back to work and would like to try to get in on some free babysitting from the ILs to make that possible, then I'd definitely get HUBBY (not you) to bring it up with his parents to see if they can help out a little. Otherwise, just be sure to remind the IL that you welcome their visits anytime so that they can develop strong relationships with your little ones as well. Good luck!

Sorry, but I don't think you should point anything out at all.
If your in laws don't want to watch someone else's children, it's up for them to deal with it.
I'm not sure you are upset more about anything other than not being able to "use" them for babysitting because their time is already booked up.
You are a stay at home mom so I'm not sure I understand why you can't take your kids to visit and spend time with the grandparents and cousins.
I don't see what's stopping you from having that family time.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
You don't agree with how she runs her house. And, you don't have to agree with how your in laws run theirs.
However, I don't think it's your place to change either one.
It is futile to try to do so, in my opinion.

Best wishes.

Stay out of it. This is really a case of "None of your business".
Your MIL is a big girl and can take care of herself. If she doesn't want to babysit her grandchildren then she'll say no. You really should stop sticking your nose into their business. Your SIL sounds like a very smart woman, refusing to leave your children with anyone but trusted family is a great thing and should be commended.

If you want your children to spend time with their grandparents then call them up and ask, you are the only one restricting that. Not your SIL

It sounds to me like there are some issues going on here that go way beyond that fact that your SIL has asked your Inlaws.....AND your inlaws have agreed to provide some free babysitting!!
You and your SIL are two different people...you have chosen two different lifestyles...I am not saying one is wrong and one is right...they are just different. Who cares that your SIL has already decided what teacher she wants for her child when he/she is ready to learn to play the piano...and who is to say that her husband doesn't WANT to do the cooking??? My husband LOVES to cook...and even when I was a SAHM and he was working full time in the military...he CHOSE to cook dinner sometimes!! Don't judge their family until you have "walked a mile in their shoes"....you don't know the intimate family dynamics that go on behind closed doors.
Instead of concentrating on the "negatives" try building on the "positives"...take your children and go to visit your inlaws AND the cousins....let them all spend time together and concentrate on building a great solid relationship between the families. You and your children will only benefit from it in the long run.

What about going to visit them on one of the days the other kids aren't there. Visiting gives them time without being responsible for your kids. If you need help, why not ask for it (different day than the others are there).

If you feel they are too old to watch a toddler and a baby at once, why would you want to have them watch yours?

If MIL doesn't speak up, you shouldn't either.

Bottom line: Unless there is an unacknowledged medical issue, it is up to grandma to decide if and when she wants to watch her grandchildren (any of them).

My SIL uses her parents A LOT for child care. My sister uses my parents A LOT for child care. Do I think they are taking advantage and that they should invest some time raising their own children? Yes. Is it up to me to decide who cares for my nieces and nephews? No.

Also, I guess I am a bit confused. You think g-ma is too old to be caring for children yet in the same breath you turn around and say that you would like her to help with your children? Is there some reason why you cannot visit during the time that g-ma has your SIL's children? Kids get to hang out, you can help out MIL since you feel like she can't cope easily...

I don't know...two days out of the week really shouldn't make it so that is it so difficult for you, your husband and your children to visit your in-laws.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you just don't agree with your SIL's lifestyle choices so you are nitpicking.

You are assuming quite a bit. You think they are getting too old. You think that your SIL should get a babysitter. I'm sure they have gotten to the point where they don't care what you think. Back off. This is not your battle. I am speaking from experience. My inlaws did so much for my BIL and his first wife. It was crazy. Now, they do for their first granddaughter. Not much left for the others. It is what it is and you aren't going to change it. I spent years being pissed at my inlaws. Didn't they think my kids were worthy? Because they most certainly are. I look at it as their loss. You are just going to have to get over it.

I don't understand there are 7 days in a week not 2. If all you're worried about is spending time with grandparents as a family then I'm not understanding how you can't fit the time in with them. As for the babysitting, I can understand why you wouldn't want to burden your MIL. (Sometimes life isn't fair, huh?) But, I still don't understand why you can't spend time as a family with her.

I know you wanted to vent a little and I feel for you that you have to deal with this situation. I agree with you that it is crappy for your SIL to "hog" the grandparents. You just have to remember that you are the bigger person for not doing that!

My sisters both "used" (oh wait - more like abused) my parents for babysitting - and still do but now their kids are older (teens) so it's not so hard on my (also 70+ y.o.) parents. The problem is that they basically ruined any chances of my parents watching my little ones at all when I (or they) come to visit because they are so burned out and done with babysitting. I have to put all three kids to bed before I can go anywhere by myself (or with hubby). I am not jealous, just a little irritated that my sisters took advantage of my parents and I can't even ask them (not even occasionally) to babysit.
My sisters were also single mothers (at the time) and needed the help because clearly they could not handle their own lives without my parents help. And yes they were enablers, but they only wanted to help their dear daughters.

And I really didn't get that you were wanting your in-laws to just be babysitters either and were jealous in any way - I think you just see this situation as them being taken advantage of and it is. They are retired and should have this time to enjoy life and the freedom (of time) that they worked so hard for.

The problem here is that you really cannot say anything. When your in-laws are sick of being used they will let your dear SIL know. Or they will gripe to your hubby (or maybe you - if you have that kind of relationship) and at that point you can agree with them and say it's crappy what SIL,BIL are doing and encourage them to say something to them.
The best you can do is make your time with them 'family time' and never expect them to 'babysit', just to visit and enjoy their grandkids with you there. If you really feel it would be great to have your kids have some alone time with them, ask if you can run to the store by yourself, or do an errand (solo) for one of them while you are there. Let them know you would love to have a little 'breather' to escape -even if just for 1 hour.

Just have patience - it is clear your SIL has 'needs' that you cannot fully understand. ;)

I feel your pain!!! We live in KS and both sets of g-parents live in FL. My sis lives in FL and uses my mom ALL THE TIME! If we lived there, there would definitely be a battle. But, neither side can get enough of the kids:)

I don't think you can rationalize with Tiger Mom! And I'm sure your comments would be taken the wrong way since you're the DIL and SIL. Just schedule some time with your in-laws--like dinner on the weekends and such and just make sure your kids get their time!

There's a lot of "I think" in this posting... meaning that this is your impression and may not reflect the way that your MIL feels or the way her husband feels. You think, you think, you think... it's not your situation.

If you need help, ask for it. If they can't help you out, they'll tell you. Who knows, they may welcome a reason to be "unavailable". Otherwise, you really don't know what's going on with your SIL and as I have learned with my own in-laws... the one who asks for help gets it (my SIL), those of us who don't ask, don't (us).

This isn't your battle- so stay out of it! If you need help, ask for it but don't complain about it and try not to mask your jealousy as concern for your in-laws.

The Elderly... do not have to babysit.
They are often 'scared' to say so.

I am friends with a lot of Elderly Grandparents. They, DAILY babysit and take the kids to and from school. All day. And often watch them on weekends too.
THIS means... THEY cannot even go to their own Doctor appointments nor have a life of their own nor enjoy their retirement.

Sure, they love their Grandkids...but they do NOT have any time to themselves or a life. Nor can they relax.
Meanwhile, they are old, sick, tired, have aches and pains.

One Grandpa I know, got dizzy and fell. He hit his head. He went to the Hospital. That day his Wife then had to leave him at the hospital to go and pick up their Grandkids from school and bring them home, feed them, have the do their homework etc.
MEANWHILE, I asked him "What did your son do about your accident?" He said "Nothing. He just asked me if I can still babysit tomorrow and take the kids to school and pick them up."
How, neglectful, of his OWN Dad.

This is, what Elderly Grandparents go through.
They babysit, because they are EXPECTED to do so. Despite their own health, lessened mobility, aches and pains, and fatigue.

A Grandparent, does NOT 'have to' do all this.
It is a choice. Of the parents and them.
But elderly feel, they have no choice or say in the matter. Otherwise, their kids get mad at them and guilt them.

My Mom lives WITH us. EVEN at that, I never, assume she will watch my kids. I always ask first. She is often tired, she still works, she is in her 70's, and has a life too and outings and appointments. I never guilt her or make her feel 'obligated' to me or my kids... for babysitting.
I even tell my kids "Grandma is old, she needs to rest too.... don't make her play with you if she is tired..."
My kids are 4 and 8 years old... and VERY active.
I don't expect, my Mom to "play" with them.

Elderly Grandparents... are NOT, automatic Babysitters.
They have concerns, worries, health, appointments, too.
Which they cannot address or take care of, while babysitting everyday all day.

And YES, your BIL and his Wife, are selfish.

all the best,
Susan

Your inlaws can always say "no" if they feel tied down by your sil's kids. It's only 2 days a week, that leaves 5... seems to me you could fit a visit in one of those 5 days. I'm not sure I see the problem.

It seems that you determined that your parent in-laws aren't able to help you based on their age, but it seems to me that they should be the ones to determine if they can help or not. Why not ask them to come over for lunch one day and talk about it? They are perfectly able to say no if they want to, so it is obvious they are just enjoying time with their grandkids. Why now allow them time with yours as well? It seems you are giving your sister-in-law the monopoly by not speaking up about your own desire for grandparent time.