To Those That Have Parents or in Laws Who Live Nearby...

A couple of times a week. Growing up we also spent every Sunday with my grandma, that was her day, and we made it a point to honor it. My best memories are those Sundays, and I'm even more thankful for those Sundays now that she has passed. She got to see and spend time with all of her grandkids and great-grandkids. Often she would take us on day trips, and sometimes we would all just hang out together.

My MIL lives up the road from us, well 5 miles away, and my mom us out of state. My MIL loves to have the kids so often they'll just go and hang out with her, or she'll take them shopping and I get a break. I never ask, she always invites, it's a win really, she's in her 60's and time is not her friend. I feel it's important for grandkids to spend time with grandparents and I've never felt making time for her as a "chore".

My parents live 10 minutes away. We see them when it works out. Never an obligation. We are busy and they are busy - no one expects to get together at a certain time. We are a HUGE football family so we spend most Sunday's together watching the games...but other than that, it's when we are all free that we get together.

My mom and my husband parents live about 10 Min. from us. We see my mom about 4 to 5 times a week and my in laws every Sunday for dinner. When my kids were young and we needed a babysitter my parents were the ones that did it most of the time. My in laws watched them occasionally.

I grew up having family dinner at my grandparents' house every Sunday until it became too much for them, so that is "normal" for me.

We go over my parent's every weekend. After my grandmother passed away, my grandfather would even come over after he went to Saturday evening mass. My sister and grown niece come as well. My mom makes dinner and then we do whatever. My girls are very close to all of them because of this.

I do not see it as an obligation at all and my girls are heavily involved in sports and extra-curricular activities. We run to practices and games all week so this is a nice down time for all of us. It is very rare that another activity conflicts with this time together.

Unfortunately my husband's family did not grow up with any similar family traditions or togetherness and are very splintered today. I'm not saying it is cause and effect...I'm just saying it probably didn't help matters.

In the last 3 years we lost my FIL and my mom. (My dad's been gone for 20 years). My MIL is in a nursing home. When my mom was alive she lived in an apartment on the side of our house (until the last year when she was in a nursing home). My kids are now 14 & 17 - they lost their grandfather when they were in 5th & 8th grade and their grandmother when they were in 8th & 11th grade. They really miss them - sometimes alot.

When they were kids we saw my mom all the time and we tried to see my inlaws once a week. Sometimes they came over for dinner (about 2x a month) - soemtimes we dropped them off to visit while Hubby & I went out to dinner and other times we'd go to dinner together.

My inlaws were not my favorite people. My MIL was always difficult having dealt with depression all of her life - and my FIL was a bigoted guy who I used to have to stop from saying things when I saw them coming. He didn't have a bad intend, and he had friends of all races - but his years as a highway cop and his childhood with an abusive alcoholic father made him a different kind of person. BUT he LOVED our kids.

My husband and I realized early on that the kids loved their grandparents and that it was a good thing for them to have this extra layer of love around them - in spite of their "flaws". Who among us is not flawed? We also tried to see aunts, uncles & cousins as much as possible.

There are all kinds of studies that show that kids who grow up with extra layers of family, friends, love & support grow up to be healthier emotionally, more confident, and just generally do better in life. They realize by example that we are all interconnected. It's great for them to have a close relationship in the event grandma & grandpa have to take care of the kids due to a family emergency, etc - they feel secure when other things in life may change and make the kids feel less secure.

It also helps your kids realize that other people's emotions and needs are important to consider. So maybe they don't want to hang out with boring grandpa on Saturday night - oh well - grandpa loves you and wants to see you and it's not always all about you.

I think you need to make an effort to spend time with your inlaws - it may not be your favorite thing to do - but they just want to see your kids. I don't think they need you to sit and feel like you need to entertain them. Invite them over for Saturday lunches, or Sunday evening dinners and let them play a board game with the kids, watch a movie, etc, while you fold laundry, or change the sheets, etc. It got to the point where my kids & inlaws hung out in my living room while I did stuff that I couldn't otherwise do with the kids around. And when my mom got sick and needed chemo my in laws would come and hang out with the kids or pick them up from school and bring them home while I tended to my mom. Years later when they got sick and mom my was better it reversed. When my mom and my FIL were dying the kids would bring their homework with them to the hospital room or nursing home and we'd hang out and grandpa would help them do their homework or my mom would give them ideas for book reports, etc.

Now that things have changed so much we are so very glad that we invested those times with the kids and inlaws. Niether my husband, the kids nor I had regrets when we sat at their funerals. The kids had a richer life because of their grandparents. How wonderful to be loved by so many.

So please, try to see your inlaws frequently - no matter how you feel about them they love your kids and yoru kids love to be loved by them. Who but grandpa has the patience to play CandyLand or Chutes & Ladders 10 times in a row or watch Cars again? My daughter taught my FIL how to play mancala and had a great time having an adversary against whom she could win!

Go for it mama - you won't regret it. I promise.

We live 1/2 a mile from my parents and about 15-20 minutes driving from my in-laws. We don't have a set social get together with either of them. My mom babysits my daughter one morning a week while I volunteer in my son's class. She also takes my son home from school one day each week and has him at her house for a few hours, but that is her choice and she does it because she loves playing with him. Whenever she can't or doesn't feel like it, it's not a big deal for me to pick him up instead. Most weeks, one or both of my parents comes over to our house for an hour or two - sometimes on a weekday afternoon, sometimes a weekend morning - just to play. I'm almost always around when they do and it's usually a last minute thing.

With my in-laws, we almost never see them during the week. My kids spend the night at their house 1-2 weekends per month, sometimes for one night, sometimes for two. They love spending time with the kids, the kids absolutely love going there, and it's a nice break for me and my husband. It's rarely decided more than a day in advance (they are not big planners). Only when we absolutely have to have babysitting do we discuss dates more than a couple of days before. One or both of us usually has lunch or dinner with my in-laws when we drop off the kids.

Anyway, I really like the fact that our parents are close and willing to help out almost anytime. I like being able to have a meal with them sometimes, when it's convenient or when we're in the mood. I love being able to see my own parents for an hour or two, without a meal or any obligation. I would absolutely hate having a set dinner one night a week. It would feel like a huge imposition of my time. Now, I wouldn't be opposed to my in-laws saying that, if they were taking the kids, they'd want us to have a meal when we drop them off. I would be ok with that, since I do feel a little bad dropping the kids and leaving.

Lots of comments here, but my take:
As long as they don't mind coming to you and being integrated into the activities, embrace it. Everyone can have dinner together, then let the grandparents take a child to baseball pratice (or whatever the activity is) and now your time has been freed up to do something else that needs to be done.

And date night once a month.

OTOH, if they are insisting that you come to them once a week instead of vice versa, then you might have to explain that it's not always going to be possible because of your family schedule, but you'll do your best. I grew up having Sunday lunch with my grandma every week, so I don't see a weekly visit as unusual. And 20 minutes is really close by.

I think I would feel the same as you. We actually live with my mother at the moment while our house is being finished, but if I had to make a date once a week, I think I would feel trapped. I'm pretty sure my mother would too! My MIL lives close by also, and we see her quite a bit (she drops some eggs from her chickens into us, or my husband will go around to sort out some handyman stuff), but we don't have a standing arrangement. I have a feeling that it would make her feel trapped and obliged.

The grandparents need to participate in the kids' activities, not BECOME the kids' activities! Grandparents can go to games or pick up after school, help with homework, take a walk to get the kids out of the house and away from the TV, attend Scout programs or church programs or concerts, etc. They can take a kid to the dentist for a routine check-up or the orthodontist for an adjustment of the braces (stuff you don't need to be there for), pick up school supplies, return library books, watch soccer practice, etc. It gives them something to discuss with the kids and helps create a really important bond - without you having to block in additional time for the kids to entertain the grandparents. Or they can babysit one kid while you take another to an activity or birthday party, bathe one while you work on a school project with another, read to one while the other goes to soccer, and so on. That's called being a part of their lives. I wouldn't have a one-a-week, whole-family event - no way you can get kids to bed after a big dinner or evening with Grandma, drive home, do baths and homework and toothbrushing and still settle down for a decent bedtime.

I don't ask my mom to babysit for date nights, etc.
She does watch my son 2 days per week in the summer so I can work. That's enough, IMO.
I will ask my FIL to cover unexpected sick days, school cancellations when I cannot rearrange my schedule.
I am extremely grateful for the help when I really need it and I won't infringe more than that for sitting!
We see out parents each roughly once per week, sometimes more, sometimes less.
Many times they will come to sports activities, etc.
Maybe what your inlaws are really saying is that the want to see your kids more. And that's a good thing that I would appreciate.

During the school year is very different than in the summer. I always sent the school schedule to all of the grandparents each fall. I highlighted the things I thought they would enjoy. If there was a special performance, show, etc.. I would also give them this info.

There were also times when they were welcome to volunteer at the school, so I also informed them about this.

After school activities like sports etc.. they also were always welcome to attend.

My niece and nephew were and are very involved in school sports, so we all try to attend as much as possible.

When my Nephew was the Quarterback for his high school Football team, his parents were expected to be in charge of organizing a lot of the Booster Club events. So we pitched in as much as my sister demanded..

We loved helping, but she is so awful, I hated the way she treated my mother and her husband..

Our parents wanted to see the kids as much as possible, but totally understood that during the school year, we tended to be on a very strict schedule. We did try to see them at least 2 times a month for actual time with them. But there were times that the passing hellos and hugs after an event was all that we could manage. We would try to always get together for holidays. There were lunches, dinners, etc.. that sometimes, were just very quick, but that is all that we could manage.

We did volunteer to drive my niece and nephew and their friends to events when needed.. But once they started driving, we missed out on that. this was a great way to meet their friends. and the friends families.. We sit together at sporting events. Their Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, parents..

Our daughter was very fortunate, she knew her great Grandparents and of course all of her Grandparents. When she was in college she was shocked that so many of her friends did not have this experience.

I tried to ask my parents and inlaws to help in all sorts of ways so that they could be a part of our daughters life.. My parents were great, my Inlaws were spotty.. They said they wanted to help and to participate, but they really never followed through. Long story. At least I know and ave documentation that I did offer many, many opportunities through all of the years.

Do try to include your parents and his parents as much as possible. Even if the house is a mess and you are running around trying to do laundry etc.. Grandparents are extremely important to your children. They are fortunate to even have them close by. Your children will enjoy their time with them. It all goes by so fast.

I am a parent who lives 20 mins from my married son and their 4 children. I see them when it is convenient for them and for me (and my 11 year-old daughter) and not on any set schedule. I'd say we get together 1 or 2 times per month. There was a time that I babysat one morning a week for a 3 month stretch so they could both attend classes. I enjoyed it at the time, but now that wouldn't fit into my work schedule.

It sounds to me like your in-laws need a new hobby...

Funny how you get the "I didn't like it when I was a DIL but want it as a MIL". Some people want to have their cake and eat it too...

If your inlaws are "young enough" to go to the kids activities, I'd invite them to that and then to come over afterwards once a week. That way, they get to see the kids perform in sports, etc. The kids know that the grands are watching, and that's pretty special. Then they can help you with the kids when you get home. Make dinner those nights very easy with two extra people. Maybe they'll even wash up your dishes. Make sure you ask for help the very first time...

Week days are too hard to travel to their place. Weekends are when you should do that. They are supposedly retired (yes?) and can come to you during the week.

It's wonderful for extended family to be together, as long as you have boundaries that are clearly defined. If there are problems with how they treat the kids, or if they undermine your authority, that's an issue you need to deal with up front.

I'd do it. The kids need that relationship with an older person and you could come to really love them.

Find ways to make it meaningful such as Sunday luncheon, family game night at your own home so the kids can play until bedtime, them coming to the kids activities on occasion, there are so many things this could be that is not go to their house and sit quietly to visit.

They will not live forever and you'll think back on this decision and it could be your best decision or the one thing that haunts you for the rest of your life.

I would just be honest. Tell then that you, of course, want them to see the kids often, but some weeks work better than others. Would they be up to taking kids to an activity? Or does it need to be the whole family? For example, my dad has taken my son to baseball practice before. It helps me out and they get to spend some one on one time as well.

My parents are an hour away. They come out on Monday night and leave Wednesday when I get home from work. They watch my toddler and transport my son to school. I am so lucky to have this. Even though my husband could take our son to school, Grandpa insists! They also are more than willing to switch days, take on a day over the weekend, etc. I will admit, it IS hard to have someone else in our teeny tiny (650 sq. ft. - thank goodness for basements) 2-bedroom house, but I do love the relationship my kids have with their grandparents.

My parents are 30 mins away. We have dinner at their house almost every Sunday evening. I try to get together with my mom at least one other day during the week. We often meet at a mall in between my house and hers. I go after my youngest gets out of preschool and stay until it's time to pick my older kids up from school. She will babysit for me whenever I ask her. I don't ask every week, but every couple of weeks I'll ask her to come while I run errands, or meet a friend for lunch. They will babysit on the weekend once in awhile if we want a date night or have plans with friends.

This is perfect for me. Maybe it's because they're my parents...I don't know. My husband's parents are both deceased so I don't have in-laws to deal with.

My MIL lives around the corner and I see her at least once a day. I wish my mom would also move closer so I can see her too. IMO I think its important for my daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents. I wonder how you will feel when your children grow up and blow you off because they don't want to be bothered?

It makes me sad how many people don't want anything to do with their parents/in laws. When I was growing up we had Sunday dinners at my grandparents with my aunts, uncles and cousins every week. We are all still close (talk regularly through Facebook) and I really miss being able to see everyone.

I wish mine lived closer. My daughter is close with all four grandparents, but they are elderly and I have serious health issues so no matter who visits whom, someone or the other is often too tired by travel to fully enjoy the occasion.

When I was a DIL, I would not want to do this. Now that I'm due to be a MIL someday, I hope to see my son and grand kids often.

Do both of you a favor. You go every other. Let your husband and grand kids go every week. MIL is not too interested in seeing you anyway, but you need to show up every other week to not give the kids any idea of there being anything wrong on your part.

When the hubby and kids are gone, make those few hours time for you to take a bubble bath, hang our with your pals, or read a good book.

You speak of too many other obligations. Isn't spending time with the parents/people who raised you a top obligation?

You will be a MIL one day. Karma!

My Mil lives about 5 mins away via car... My husband sees her about 4 times a week and they talk on the phone several times a time. Additionally, our son sees her 1 to 2 times a week, but if busy maybe once. However, he too talks to his grandmother about 3 times a day, sometimes more...
It's always been this way... We just think it's important that he have a really strong relationship with his grandmother (grandfather passed) and too, I like that my son have a reverence for older people... it's important to me that he respect them.... since I myself aren't getting any younger..

I also think it's important to teach kids at a young age that grandparents are important.. too often, children don't get the benefit of what could have been a good relationship with their grandparents... I know I didn't and I regret it..

Oh and from Kinder to about 2nd grade, my MIL watched my son a lot... by that I mean, picked him up from school and had him over for meals several times a week..

good luck in whatever you decide to do..

When I was growing up, my dad's mom and sister were a block over on the next street. My mom's mom was 3 blocks north. We saw each other all the time. Since my older brother had medical issues, my mom's mom would watch us--either at our house or hers. I loved it and I truly cherish the time I had with my grandma. My mom lives 6 miles away and with everything, it is hard to get over there. My husband's mom is in another country so they have never met her. My mom never watches my kids. She has in the past when it was really urgent like going to the hospital or when my husband took his oath of citizenship. My husbands other family, most are near but we never ever see them. My kids know who they are but really no relationship and I wish it was not that way. l would try to at least see them, maybe even for a few hours on the weekend if possible. I know how busy things can get but when they are gone, your kids will have memories to cherish.

I see my mom at least once a week. We have them for dinner frequently, and she has us about once a month--with my brother.

My mom does babysit about every other week, for an hour here or there. She also takes the older kids for a sleep over every six weeks. She also takes them for an afternoon or morning about once a month.

But yes, my mom sees the kids at least once a week, even if she just drops by to say hi for 10 minutes. We have a lot of tea parties or lunch dates.

We live 12-15 minutes, depending on this one light.

Are they thinking only in terms of "seeing us" meaning you all go their house and hang out? Because seeing the grandparents does not have to mean that. If they are healthy and get out and about well, invite them to the kids' activities! They'd love going to the ball game, the dance recital, the school chorus concert, whatever--just ensure it's not so often that the grandparents feel they're being used as chaperones or chauffeurs.

With three kids, you might even find that grandma and grandpa would be happy to be the ones to take one kid to afterschool activity A while you do things with the other two -- and so on. (There is nothing wrong with grandparents doing things individually with grandkids one on one -- some parents think that in the name of "fairness" every child must do exactly the same things all the time with grandparents but that's unrealistic and silly. Let grandpa take Sally to dance once or twice a month in your place; let grandma go with Billy to soccer practice a few times a month. And so on.)

Rather than making "seeing the grandparents" into a weekly obligation at one place, involve them in your week in other ways that change as your kids change. The kids will see the grandparents care enough to attend their events and cheer them on.

No, we do not have close-by relatives. I wish my late mother were still alive because she would love to visit my daughter's dance studio with us occasionally, or see her at Girl Scout events, etc.

The family I provide child care for has parents nearby. The grandparents watch the kids one evening a week, and they all have supper together every second Sunday.

When I was growing up my adult brothers and sisters all came over for Sunday supper, even after they were married and had kids. We all looked forward to it each week.

Both MIL and my parents live close.

My parents are snow birds so OCT-May they are in FL.. Skype once a week sometimes more. When they are in town we try to go for Sunday dinner .. it is not an obligation if something comes us we do not have to go. Also they will take the kids over night so we can get things done, or go out. And my mom takes the kids 2-5 days a week during the summer for swim lessons. with out her doing that, my kid would not get them. THey live about 25 mins.

My MIL live 5 mins .. almost never babsits, Sometimes in an emergency. We go over there depending on everyones schedules.. SHe almost never comes to us eventhough it is hard to get the kids out in the winter all the time. ...

You do what is convient for you..

My parents live 20 min away - we see them every week or two, for get togethers, not super long ones. Sometimes my mom and I do something with the kids without everyone else. They babysit maybe once a month or not even. They both work and are very busy.
In laws live 2 1/2 hours away. We see them every month, either we go there or they come here. Plus skype. They have a lakehouse 1 1/2 hours from us so in the summer we may see them a bit more. They do not routinely babysit but when we visit they may take the kids for an evening so we can go out or something and they have had the older 2 for a few days at a time.

I see my mom once per week (20 min). She's older (mid 80's) so I don't ask for babysitting much anymore (my dd is 10), but me and my sisters usually go over her house on Sundays for a couple of hours over lunch (we all bring our lunch)
My FIL has Alzheimers and is in Asst. living. my dh see's him 1-2x per week, but usually by himself.

I have my dad, my grandmother, my husbands grandparents, his mom, and his sister all living within 10 minutes or each other. We talk regularly on the phone but unless someone is scheduled to pick them up when we can't for some reason it is rare that we see them weekly. I think the only person that sees them weekly is my grandmother because she shuttles them back and forth to church on Sundays since I have to work.

I agree it's a lot of work to try and juggle weekly get together with the family. Our schedules are busy even on the weekends and during the week is virtually impossible.

My parents are around 20 minutes from us. We try to get together at their house for dinner fairly often. My mom will come over to hang with the kids and give me a break. There are no over nights though. My brother, SIL and niece live nearby so we like to get everyone together so the kids can play with each other.
Sometimes it's more often, other times we all get super busy and we can go a few weeks and not see each other. Though we call to check in very often.
They offer to babysit but we don't take them up on it much. My parents have watched the kids a few times for various things.
My husband's parents don't live local any more but when they did we tried to go over once a week or so for dinner, to let the kids swim or whatever.

We live about 40 minutes from my in-laws. We see BIL more than MIL, but we see her about once a month. She does watch DD if we want to go to a movie or something, but that's not the only reason we see her. I think a specific "one night a week" would be a burden, but if we lived closer to my family, we'd probably go to Sunday lunch at Grandma's with the cousins.

We see my parents once a week. They live a half hour away. I have 3 kids ages 4, 2 and 9 months old so I welcome the help. The kids adore their grandparents and vice versa so it's a win for everyone. But I can see if you have elementary school age kids in activities once a week might be bit much. Could they come twice a month? Or help chauffeur the kids to their activities to give you a break?

My ILs live about 15 minutes away. We seem them about every other week. Usually just for a visit or a family get together. They babysit for us maybe every couple of months. My dad lives 15 minutes away as well and we see him about once a month. We talk to them a lot more than we see them.

I see my mom at least one time per week, sometimes with the kids and sometimes not. I live about 10 minutes from her. She's nearing 80, and needs help with things from time to time. We get together for dinner as a family once a month.
My inlaws live a little further away- 45 minutes. We see them once every other week or so. My youngest loves spending the night with her, so we do that once a month.
I don't have any advice much about their request. Maybe you guys could all meet once a week or every other week to go out to dinner? We do this a lot.

I see my ILs occasionally. They have health concerns and cannot babysit. Usually it's for a family event. When I was a kid, we went to my grandparents' house once a week for Sunday supper.

They asked. You can say no or say not this week or send DH, etc. My sister used to go over weekly to her ILs, as her DH is the only nearby son that isn't estranged. Now that she has kids (and she was in school for 2 yrs as well as working FT) they go less often and sometimes he goes by himself or with just their kids. You can simply say what you said here. With three kids and busy schedules, it is harder. You can also invite them to attend a school event or, if it's easier, they can join you for dinner instead of you going to them, with the understanding that there's still HW to be done, etc.

Families change. Sometimes these "obligations" need to change, too.

Well, as a couple, what do you AND your Husband think?
Are your in-laws basically respectful normal and pleasant people who respect you as parents and respect your kids and don't go around undermining you and nor talk badly to your kids etc. and know about child safety and can properly... supervise... THREE kids at one time? And they are able bodied and are safe?

And how old are your kids?
And, it is up to you, IF you want them to babysit or not or have your kids over, or have them over or have them tag-along with you as a family.... per anything you do or outings.
Or, you can opt to plan... outings, in which your in-laws can tag along on, too. For example: we are going hiking with the kids, do you want to come? Or, I am making a pot roast, do you want to come over and eat dinner too? And YOU state, the timing to things, and the start and finish times etc. So that, "you" feel in control of it per your own family's routines... versus your in-laws... laying down the schedule, on you or your kids.

And just communicate diplomatically. ie: " you wish to see us one night a week, we have 3 kids and with all their activities/homework obligations, Sunday afternoons are the best for us..." and then let them reply with their reply to your parameters.
That way, you are considering their 1-night a week 'request' but yet, you are also diplomatically, stating your own family's schedule etc. to them.

But it does not have to be, a stringent all the time, thing. I mean, they only live 20 minutes away.
And you do not have to... let them or have them, babysit once a week. And it is up to you, if you even want to leave your 3 kids there with them.

They wish to see you, the kids, once a week, at night. So when... might that be.... ? Instead of letting them decide the night/date, you decide.
And if some weeks you are all just too busy, then say so.
It is normal life with kids.

My kids have an Aunty who has no kids. SHE used to think... that anytime she said so, she could see the kids or come over or whatever. And she'd get irked/mad... if we were busy or were not home or were not home when she... called on us, or if my kids were NAPPING when she wanted to see them. Then, as my kids got older, it got more busy and my kids have a social life too and invitations and/or play dates etc. Such is life with kids and a family. Well, so I had to pretty much... explain to their Aunty, that, it cannot just be spur of the moment. And we cannot just stop, because she spur of the moment wants to come over or take the kids. And it is up to us. We are NOT being rude, by saying so... we are just giving her a head's up on what to CONSIDER... when she gets in the mood to get together. Because, she is a persnickety picky person... who has her own ways.

Then, I have a friend... who has 3 kids. AND, well... all the time... their Grandma and Aunty are with them. Always. Everywhere they go. Everywhere... literally. They have, no privacy or 'free time' just to themselves or with their own kids. And the Husband gets tired of it. I mean, his in-laws are always...there at their home, or tagging along to wherever they go with their kids. And it is... too much.
It is just, too much. And yes, dreaded. Because it is an obligation at that point and if they stop, the in-laws will get mad.

The thing is, once a person has kids... you either are okay about the in-laws/relatives always having your kids and asking for your kids... or not.
Because, it is not a have to, thing. You are the parents.
I see some parents, that are always sending their kids to the grandparents... because they think they HAVE to...as though the Grandparents have more 'claim' on the kids. Or other parents that don't... because then the kids are hardly with the parents themselves and are always at the grandparents.

But in your case, it seems perhaps, your In-Laws simply want to see your kids, because they hardly get to, even if they live so close by?
And if you agree to the once a week thing, then you/Husband can say... diplomatically, what the best day/schedule is for it... and the timing of it. ie: do you want them over all day and night? Or for maybe 3 hours in the later afternoon to evening?
Just say so.
And if once a week it just no doable... then say so. Then offer up an alternate day that will work.

I think, from what you say... you feel "obligated" and tied-down... about it, because the In-Laws are requesting "one night a week...." type thing.
And it seems so set in stone.
But it does not have to be.
Just say when it is, doable. And that it does not HAVE to be, one night a week... forever.
As parents, you explain nicely to them, how busy it is... and when the best time would be.... then you have the handle on it and won't feel like you are controlled by them or at their beck and call. And it is up to you if you get together all of you, or just the kids to them or they come to you.

Currently, do they not see you all... already? Or hardly?

You do not have to let them babysit. Or you can.
It is up to you. And how often, if any.

My dad and my MIL see the kids the least. My dad, because he's a truck driver and only home once a month, and my MIL because it's a 6 hour drive, straight through, from our house to hers. But, whenever they're in town they make the effort to see/spend time with my kids.

My mom and FIL are 45 minutes to an hour away, depending on traffic, and haven't seen my kids in 2 years. Why? Because they put in NO effort to call or see them. They're also the victims in everything in their lives.

That would work for some people but not for others.
With 52 weeks in a year, 52 visits would be too much for me.
Every other week or once a month would work better for me.
Around here a lot of grandparents help take kids to/from activities - I see grandparents at taekwondo all the time.
Our family doesn't tend to live on each others doorsteps.
A lot of grandparents are too busy for weekly visits - they have their own social circles and activities of their own.

My parents live 20 minutes away and we see them pretty sporadically- but maybe a couple times a month. My mom will babysit maybe once a month, my parents will attend DD's sporting events sometimes, and maybe we'll invite them out to dinner or something (maybe not all in the same month).

It's sweet that they want to see you all, but unreasonable to set a quota. I would let them know you want to see them often, but can't commit to so many nights per month or whatever. Let them know that you hear them and will do your best to make sure you get together. And then do. If weeks are hectic and you know will fly by, at least think about once a month meeting for dinner or having them over. If you know if your head that you will try this, it will be easier and won't feel so forced. The rest of the month either comes together, or doesn't.

What if you suggest every other week, with one time being at your house and the other time at theirs. And aside from those scheduled times, invite them to games, activities, etc. the kids are participating in.

If they were fixing dinner so you could go from an activity over there for dinner before going home, I would welcome it. If they aren't offering to feed you dinner, then I would opt for perhaps a visit on a Sat or Sun afternoon. Also, maybe they could come to your house and help kids with homework while you fix dinner.

My mom lives about an hour away. We see her about twice a month -- every other weekend. I'd see her more if I could. She's an amazing, incredible grandma, and she and I are really close. But my mom has really earned that status. For people who aren't as close to their parents, I don't think there should be an obligation to visit so often.

My parents and my in-laws are about 40 minutes from us and 2 minutes from each other. I made it clear to both of them that with 3 kids I could not visit both families in one day, it is just too much. They both took it well, although I could clearly see they didn't like it. I go to my parents about 2 a month, as they are unable to make the drive to me. I go to my MIL's about once every 6 weeks, but she comes to us about twice a month. If she didn't come to use, I'd probably go twice a month to see her as well. She knows that if she wants to see them more often, she needs to make an effort and she does. My friend goes to her MIL every Sunday and she hates it. She wouldn't mind if her MIL came to her since her house is kid friendly, but MIL refuses. If they want more time, they need to make the effort. If she comes to you, it would be a lot easier and may not be something you dread.

It seems like that would be way too much in my opinion. If you all work and do kid activities, then it would seem that you wouldn't have that many free nights. The only thing I can think would be to invite them to your kid's sporting events (if that is what they do). Otherwise, that would be too frequent for me...

My In laws 45 minutes away.They come up once a week(usually Saturday or sunday) to see the kids and visit us. My mom lives maybe 5-10 minutes away but doesn't come around that much.

One night a week with 3 kids! Where in the world to you find the time. That is way too excessive IMO. My mom lives 10-15min away and we see her maybe, maybe one a month at our house for maybe 2-3 hours tops. She never babysits for us because she is 70 and in no way can she keep up with my kids. Personally I think you need to put your foot down. Seeing family should be fun not an obligation.

both our sets of parents lived about an hour away when our boys were little, so they were accessible but not as easily available as yours.
like you, i'd find once a week to be way too much of an obligation. can you compromise on once a month? or just drop the kids there once a week and enjoy a date night with your dh?
khairete
S.

My parents live 20 minutes away. I see them probably 1-2 times a month. My parents moved closer to us (from 2.5 hours away) so they could see the grandkids more often. I do not feel pressured with 2 times a month. Once a week I do see as being too hard. We rarely ask them to babysit- maybe once every 3-4 months. I don't want my parents to feel "used" and they both have full time jobs and a busy life. They are not my built-in sitters.

My in-laws (I have 2 sets) live 2 hours away and we see them between 1-3 times a month. We actually see them more often because almost all our extended family is in that area so we end up having a lot of family get-togethers like baby showers, holiday parties, etc, that we need to go to anyway. So we will stay at their house often.

Personally, I would explain to the in-laws that while you would love to see them more often, you also need to make time for:
-other family members, too
-husband/wife quality time
-immediate family time
etc.

If I had to make sure we got together with our 3 sets of in-laws, close friends, plus date night, immediate family time, and extra curricular activities 1x a week just to maintain the relationships, I would not be able to do it. Let them know what DOES work for you, though. It is nice that they want to spend time with you and your family.

Updated

My parents live 20 minutes away. I see them probably 1-2 times a month. My parents moved closer to us (from 2.5 hours away) so they could see the grandkids more often. I do not feel pressured with 2 times a month. Once a week I do see as being too hard. We rarely ask them to babysit- maybe once every 3-4 months. I don't want my parents to feel "used" and they both have full time jobs and a busy life. They are not my built-in sitters.

My in-laws (I have 2 sets) live 2 hours away and we see them between 1-3 times a month. We actually see them more often because almost all our extended family is in that area so we end up having a lot of family get-togethers like baby showers, holiday parties, etc, that we need to go to anyway. So we will stay at their house often.

Personally, I would explain to the in-laws that while you would love to see them more often, you also need to make time for:
-other family members, too
-husband/wife quality time
-immediate family time
etc.

If I had to make sure we got together with our 3 sets of in-laws, close friends, plus date night, immediate family time, and extra curricular activities 1x a week just to maintain the relationships, I would not be able to do it. Let them know what DOES work for you, though. It is nice that they want to spend time with you and your family.

When my in-laws lived nearby, we saw them once or twice a week. It wasn't really scheduled... just when it was handy. That usually wound up being on Saturday afternoons, or Sunday evenings. Of course, we only have one kid, no activities other than work and school, and we all get along very well. (Plus, my SIL lives with us so she can go to school here, and she liked going to visit them as well.) If my husband or I was too busy, or just didn't want to go the other would take our DD to see them. Both grandparents weren't always there at the same time either.

So it wasn't an obligation so much as friendly visits, that were very flexible and canceled/rearranged to suit everyone's needs.

They babysat when we needed a babysitter, but that wasn't very often... Maybe once or twice a month.

We are about 20 minutes from the inlaws and 10 from my parents. We see my inlaws probably once a week for a meal, and my MIL babysits for an afternoon every other week or so unless I have need of her for something special. My parents will babysit once a week (Fri or Sat night) so hubs and I can have a date night. I tend to see my mom most, as we are on her way home from work and we are pretty close. I'd take them up on their offer, even if it does feel like an obligation now you would be making memories for your kids to cherish when they are older and their grandparents are no longer around.

Updated

We are about 20 minutes from the inlaws and 10 from my parents. We see my inlaws probably once a week for a meal, and my MIL babysits for an afternoon every other week or so unless I have need of her for something special. My parents will babysit once a week (Fri or Sat night) so hubs and I can have a date night. I tend to see my mom most, as we are on her way home from work and we are pretty close. I'd take them up on their offer, even if it does feel like an obligation now you would be making memories for your kids to cherish when they are older and their grandparents are no longer around.

My in-laws live very close. We get together once a week for a family dinner (I have two kids). It's perfect to be honest. One night when I don't have to think about dinner.

Additionally, not sure if this relates to your situation but I see it happen all the time with people around me. They hate the idea of a scheduled time to do family get togethers with grandparents but will not hesitate to impose on said grandparents for babysitting duties. That always seems like taking advantage to me.

I don't know what kind of people your in laws are, but if I assume that they're decent people with the best intentions at heart, I don't think that once a week is too much. I'm really shocked at the number of answers here that are aghast at having to devote an entire evening to family. I'm a working mom with tons of obligations, too. Most of my life is spent trying to find the time to get everything done. However, family is a top priority for me and my husband. We want our children to see family as an integral support structure in their lives, not the few times a year distant relatives at major ceremonies type of people. What activities are so important, so all encompassing, that we can't make time for the people who are most important in our lives? No offense to you or other posters, but so much of what I've read on this thread sounds so self-involved and self-important, as if our lives are just so complex and complicated our parents couldn't possibly understand. We make time for the things we deem worthy- fitness, relationships, art, reading, etc. If we choose not to include something in our lives (eg time with family) then it's not because we don't have the time, but rather because we don't think it's important to spend the time on.

Food for thought... there was a time in our country when family was a priority. People made time and space for elderly parents, aunts and uncles because family was more important than anything else. Yes, it was an obligation, and yes, it was inconvenient, but quality relationships often ask us to tolerate both sometimes. Are we better off as a nation now that we have eschewed that mentality? I'm not so sure. Additionally, fast forward your life in 30 years. You're retired, kids out of the house, etc. You want to see your kids and/or grandkids, not because you're dependent on them, but because you love them. What if they saw you as an obligation to dread?

I see my parents almost every day. I enjoy their company.

I'm 20 min from my IL's and 10 from my own parents. We see each other all the time. Both grandmas watch my kids while I work so I am interacting with one or the other 5 days a week. Mostly this is quick drop-off/pick up but usually there is a short visit attached at the pick-up. In addition we occasionally plan a dinner meet-up (at a restaurant) with my IL's, or there is some reason on the weekend for my parents to have a party or gathering (football, birthday etc, I have 5 siblings).

I think it puts a lot of pressure on it to say "we need to get together 1 day a week". IL's should just try to let it happen organically by inviting you over or suggesting a meal out together. And you can reciprocate now and then by having them come to your kids games and performance mid-week when you feel up to it. That seems to be how it works for us.

Mine live right next door. I see them every day, and every sunday we eat dinner with them. But I'm not there visiting with them as such. I'll pop in for five minutes to say hi, or borrow something. I am not a big sit down visitor, and they know that. I think with a regularly scheduled visit you will come to resent it, just go when you can, or let them watch the kids for you. That will probably keep them happy and give you some alone time!
Or you could do like I do, on a Sunday one of us cooks sunday lunch, we alternate. Then I visit for about an hour afterwards.

My Mom lives 35 minutes away and we see her 2-3x a week (she picks up our boys from school 2 days a week to help us out). My FIL and his wife live 10 minutes away and we see them once every couple of months (they don't ask or initiate time with the grandkids. Their loss.).

We live within 1/2 hour from both my parents and my in-laws. I see my parents (with the kiddos) at least 2x on the weekends (hubby works weekends). Usually Friday night for dinner (my mom gets my kids off the bus and takes them to her house until I get the baby and get over there), Saturday all day and then for church and lunch on Sunday. During the week, mom and I try to have lunch 1x each week.

With hubby's family, we see his mom mostly when she comes to our house to babysit. They never invite us over (they work opposite schedules of each other) and when they are both off, hubby is at work. We are usually invited to a family lunch 1-2x a month but if I'm with my parents we do not go.

I do not feel like it's an obligation because I enjoy seeing all of them. I grew up without grandparents close (military brat) so this was a huge thing for me when I did settle down and have kids. I wanted grandparents to be a huge part of their lives!

What is you told them 1x twice a month instead of every week so that it wouldn't feel so much like an obligation/rush/etc? Or invite them to your house once a week "for takeout" so you do not have to cook?