Hi all,
So, I'm having a horrible time trying to deal with my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my oldest stepdaughter's bio-mom. On Christmas my in-laws and I got into a huge fight, in which I was insulted and called stupid and dirty, among other things, and my sons, my only biological children, were called "dirty white trash just like their mother" and were made fun of for having speech delays. I was furious and forbade contact with that side of the family; my husband was understandably upset, but at ME! I feel like he didn't stick by me at all, I feel like he should have been there saying, "Hey, don't talk to my wife that way; let's all work this out." He didn't.
He tells me it's all my fault because I'm meddling in other people's business--notably, the way my (his) three-year-old nephew is being raised to be clingy, emotionally unstable, rude and disrespectful--and I need to just keep my mouth shut. He acts like it's fine for those two to ruin that child like they did with my (his) two older nieces, who even my sister-in-law (their mother) admits are horribly rude and disrespectful to everyone and she can't stand them herself. He also says it's fine for our kids to be around all these people, even when they talk bad about me to the kids and can't treat each other with one ounce of civility, let alone my children.
Worse than that is my oldest stepdaughter's bio-mom, with whom she lives, has taken this whole situation as all my fault. She told me I have "severe psychological problems" for wanting all four of my kids (this child included) to stay away from that side of the family until the three of us--in-laws and I--all sit down to get this sorted out (which for legal reasons can't be until after July 13th; more on that privately if you're interested) and as such won't let my oldest have her court-ordered visitations. I went to a psychologist and got a letter stating I was mentally fine and a good mother to my own kids, but it wasn't good enough for this woman. My husband doesn't dare go against her, although they have joint legal custody; he feels like she's in charge and what she says goes. He tried to stand up to her but backed right back down when she said she was going to go back to court to have the custody agreement modified (or more precisely, to try and have his custody taken away).
I don't know what to do! I'm still hurt and angry at my in-laws, I miss my oldest stepdaughter terribly (she hasn't been to our home since April), I'm worried about all the kids getting caught in the middle and I'm worried that this will end in divorce. I love my husband to the moon and back, but I don't want to be with someone who won't be there to support me. He says he will always feel his family is fine the way they are and isn't hot on the idea of going to marriage counseling--I think because he's scared that he might actually see his family (and how they're messing up his nieces and nephews) the way others, including me, do.
What should I do? Should I take my biological boys and leave? That leaves me without any way to see my stepdaughters, as I have no biological or legal claim to them; it also leaves me going to a shelter because I'm broke. Should I go to counseling on my own? Should I just tough it out until July when I can sit down with my wretched in-laws and try to work it out? Help me, guys, please; anything to try and fix this!
Thanks,
M.
Your situation sounds pretty....ah...overwhelming.
Have you considered personal counseling? You can't change anybody's behavior but your own.
Wow, That's a hard thing to feeling, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.First your husband should always stick up for you in public...period! Even if he disagrees this shouldn't be done in front of children, relatives and never in public. It's just disrespectful period! His Mother needs to apologize, but usually they don't, so try to let it go but don't invite her over if she can't control her mouth around your children! Insist he explain to her she can't come over if she is going to act like that towards you or infront of the children.( all the kids). My own husband had to make a choice between his Mom's unreasonable cruel self and he chose me, as a good husband should. Your husband may fear his ex in a court room, and these years are hardest on the children and couples trying to blend a family, but couples counciling should help for the sake of everyone, or you will be his ex and he'll have to deal with you then. It's sad you can't see your step daughter, I'm sure she must miss you too, and shame on her Mom using her to punish you, but the things that were said are the worst. Certainly your degree should show them you are hardly a novice in life experience and child care. This is a hard choice, I know. I get it you don't want to lose your husband but his Mom and the others were just mean and cruel and they need to apologize. Did you give unsolicited advise or something? Even so, their name calling is abusive. I'm sorry you and your kids had to hear that, but shame on those "adults" doing that in front of kids. I'd be curious why he went off on you and didn't stick up for "his wife"..That would hurt me so much if my husband ever did that. What must others think of him to see he didn't stick up for you? Even if he won't go to counciling, you should yourself, for support since this may be a deal breaker for you if things don't change. You deserve better. I hope I hear it changes. Let me know, sending hugs, Been there, L.
Hi M.,
You may not like this suggestion, but as one of the ladies said, you can only change your own behavior. Do you take any responsibility for how Christmas turned out? From your letter it sounds like you over stepped your bounds with the nephew and also with your 2 step children, by trying to keep them away from their father's family. They are your step children, and you love them, but you don't have any say about their relationship with their grand parents. Especially if it can look as if you are using them as part of punishing your in- laws.
There is a saying, you can be right or you can be happy.
One thing that you can do that may change this whole dynamic, (and you may not like this) try offering an apology to your nephews parents for what you said and apologise to your step daughter's mom for involving her child in this mess.
There is no excuse for how the family talked to you, but you have to step out of the usual response, be bigger than what is happening now. It sounds like your marriage is at stake. You have to decide what you are willing to do to save it. Eat a little crow, keep your family intact, keep your relationship with your step daughters.
As for your husband defending you, is it his habit to never stand up for you, or just in this instance? If he usually is in your corner, you have to give some credence to what he is saying. If he never has your back, you need couples counseling.
Remember, you can be right or your can be happy. Crow actually doesn't taste bad when the stakes are high enough.
J.
Wow! Believe it or not I am in a similar situation. Although my husband is very supportive. Our biggest trouble has been with my stepdaughters' mom.There have been alot of court visits because she wasn't following court orders etc. but now that she is 15 we won't do that anymore.She visits on her scheduled visits but we have spoken to her about what she wants and anytime she wants to change her visits we are leaving it up to her.It makes life alot easier all the way around.We have had no contact with her mom at all.That is actually nice.She has done some awful things. Right now it seems to be working.My husband picks her up and drops off.Ther are alot of other family issues but we really just stay out of all of it.Whatever is the best for your kids is what you should do.For me it was getting aall of them out of our lives and keeping them out. T.
I'm in a similiar situation with my in-laws as well. You seriously need to stay out of the way the other family raises their kids (your nephew). Every parent believes they are doing what's right for their child...you have no right to tell them what they're doing is wrong. Who makes that decision? If it was something that was physically/emotionally hurting the child, then you'd need to go to a higher source (like DSS). Otherwise, the kids aren't in danger. It's hard to step back, but it's for the best. (I've learned this personally).
I also have a son from a previous relationship and there's an understanding that my hubby stays out of the visits, child support, etc. by my son's dad. He used to get involved because he'd pick which visits he'd keep and when he'd pay, but it only caused more friction because he didn't like to see me upset. Ultimately, if your hubby wants to visit with his daughter, leave it up to him. He can arrange a time/place (even if it doesn't involve you at this time) to visit. If the visits are court-ordered, she is going to be found in contempt (he can go to the police station to document her not letting the daughter go). Unfortunately, it's going to have to be your hubby to persue these things. Otherwise, you'll have to wait until everything sorta 'boils down'.
Personally, I wouldn't bring my children to visit...but they aren't putting them in danger. If your husband takes them, even for an hour a week to visit, and maybe promises to keep them from negative talk about you, would that be so bad? You can't keep the kids from seeing that side of the family. It's not right to the kids.
I honestly felt (and still feel) the same way in the same situations. And my hubby will always take their side on things, too. When I really think about it, though, I know it's not right for the kids. I know I don't need the visit, and it keeps me less anxious to stay away. But, it's not going to hurt your kids. Ya know?
If you wanna chat more, I'd be happy to. Just shoot me an email...and breathe!
Well that is a mouthfull huh? As for all the in-laws and their out of control kids, I would back off that one and just choose to not have your boys around them. To each his own is what it sometimes comes down to...You most certainly do not have to have your 2 around them though. But maybe letting their parents just parent them might ease some tension. I can feel for you with the issues with your step daughter. I have a step daughter with an out of control mother who just hates me to death...Mostly because of the fact that I am with My husband and she is not but that is beside the point. It causes a lot of friction and always ends up hurting the little girl more then anyone else...I wish I had better advice for that part of it but that is never ever easy. See if backing off the in laws and their parenting skills eases any tension on you and your husbands relationship before you talk about leaving, that would be so sad for all 4 of the kids, as it sounds like you are a great mom to all of them. Good luck!
