Step-mother Seeking Advice

J.,
My husband has full custody of his children. Because the mother decided to run off one day...She then tried to fight for custody but because she ran off and didn't see her children for over a year, the judge decided she could have visitation....She has to pay child support and my husband and I have FULL legal and physical custody of the children....

You are NOT the mother of this child. I know you feel you are, because you have cared for him for so long. But if you truly cared for his well-being, you would not be interfering in any way between a child and his mother. This is not even your deal AT ALL - it is between your husband and the baby's mom. Maybe she is not an ideal mom, but if she has hired a lawyer, and is pursuing this legally, then she clearly wants to be in her child's life. What avenues have you left open for her mother to participate in her son's life? A child is not a chew toy - you can't each grab an end an pull and think you are "winning" anything.

As a mother unwillingly involved in a long-term custody dispute, I can say that this is ABSOLUTELY the worst thing that you can do to a child. A child who has two parents who both want to be involved in his or her life is a lucky child. Those parental relationships should NEVER be messed with. To openly claim this child as your own because you cared for him is really antagonistic to the boy's mother. How would you feel in her situation? Would you accept that kind of treatment? Or would you feel really threatened by that?

Don't hire a lawyer, unless you want to continue creating more problems for this child. Find a competent mediator, and start finding a way for this child's mother to participate actively in his life. That will help calm down the legal battles, and do the REAL right thing by the child. A child needs both parents, even if they are not ideal people.

Hi J.,

I know what you are going thru. I raised my step-children since they were 3 and 5 (now 16 and 18). I recently adopted them. There was a long custody battle, which my husband won. She then disappeared and we haven't seen her in 5 years, so I filed for adoption. We first had to do a severance and then the adoption. In our favor was that we documented everything - visits, phone calls, gifts, whatever. Do you have an attorney? We used Joseph W. Charles, P.C. in Glendale. He was wonderful. If she has only seen him 1 w/e in a year, I can't imagine the courts awarding her full custody. But, keep a journal/record of everything. Do not speak negatively of her in front of him or the other children. In the event they do a home study you want everything to be positive. Good luck and if you would to talk, please contact me.

Having gone through a similar situation (but in reverse, my ex husband disappeared for 4 years and then resurfaced and wanted to walk right in my daughter's lives like nothing had happened) my heart goes out to you.
First.....I totally disagree with everything Vera said. Everything.
Second......if there is any way you can hire an attorney- do it. The court process is long and tedious and there are TONS of loopholes. It's expensive, but it's far worth it in the end.
Don't let this woman use your son as food stamp income. Unfortunately, there are many "parents" who take that road.
Most importantly, keep your chin up and don't let your son sense that anything is wrong. Help him know you love him and always will. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!

A good friend of mine went through a similar situation a couple years ago, here is her advice...
Document everything- keep a journal detailing every visit, phone call, conversation with the bio-mom. If you can show large gaps of time between visits and interaction between bio-mom and child, the court will be reluctant to disrupt your son's life in order to appease the bio-mom's desires. Courts are more and more looking at the quality of life of the child rather than just biology. They are also more likely to make a decision based on what is least disruptive to the child, rather than on blood relations.
also, document all of your child care expenses, doctor's visits etc. A custody fight can get nasty and is very emotional. The more facts you have to back up your arguement the better. By gathering all of the expense info you can show that you and your husband have provided the lion's share of care and expense for your child and that the bio-mom has been absent.

Unfortunately my ex-husband and I had joint custody and he was not involved in either of our kids lives. When I hadn't heard from him for about a year I decided to go to the Courts and ask for sole custody. I had to hire a private detective to track him down...I've learned several things....
one, the Court doesn't care if she doesn't have a relationship with your son, the Court only cares that she is his biological mother.
the Court would always take my ex-husbands side because he was a better lier then me until I hired a really good attorney.

two it really doesn't matter if you have sole custody or joint custody because in the end the Courts will require visitation and joint decision making/raising of the child.

I've learned the important role (and become to appreciate it) that a biological parent has even if it is only once a year.

I've also learned that it is really important to show your son how adults can get along (be adults).. be flexible with shuttling back and forth especially when you are dealing with someone who sounds irresponsible.

what does matter is that you are mindful of your relationship with your husband and son(loving him without manipulation or guilt of becoming closer to his mother)

this is going to sound horrible and impossible, however have you and your husband thought about reverse psychology? meaning starting to open yourselves up to her instead of fighting? try inviting her over to a park to play with your son for maybe an hour once every few months just to get started, invite her to other public outings that your family might participate in like story time at the library....maybe this will take some of the fuel from her fire, and allow her to see without anger where you and your husband are coming from and end some of the legal stuff...

both my husband and I have done this with our ex's and they both have settled down and basically backed off. since our kids have seen us open up and encourage the ex's to be involved in the kids lives (and the ex's are not capable of doing it), it has given the kids the message that we have tried (and will continue)to have them be a part of the kids lives. it shows that their biological parents love them, are immature and not able to be an every day parent...without us having to explain or share negative feelings with them, they get it...

try to stand back take a break from the fighting and trust in the truth surfacing.

good luck

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through to an extent, but also have to agree. As much as you obviously want to be and are "taking" that role, in reality you are not his mother.

My husband is not my daughters biological father, he has helped me raise her since she was 3 years old, my ex came around wasnt a good father at all but he still made an effort. At one point it became less and less. Long story short we hadnt seen or heard from him in so long (and never received a penny all those years for support but since he was making a effort to be in her life we couldnt say NO, mind you my daughter also made the choice at age 4 1/2 to call my husband dad too and my ex was OK with that because he was her primary "father" and was her dad where he wasnt). almost a year ago we terminated his rights. We set everything up and figured if he really cared he would fight it, and if he did we would let a judge decide. in the end my ex showed up, but made no effort other than that, the judge also gave him a chance regardless to plead his case on why if I died, my daughter should go to him and not my husband. He not once said he loved her and it was clear that is what the judge wanted to hear not "shes mine".

My point is. My ex never really made a effort, he never really fought anything, and your step-sons mother obviously is fighting for her child. At that point you need to hire a lawyer and let it all take its course. In the end you need to accept the judgment regardless if its not in your favor. Also while you clearly do not like this woman it is none of your business or concern how many children she has with how many men. No you might not agree with it, but its not your business and is not relevant on whether or not she should see her child. Also keep in mind if you are purposely keeping that child away from the mother it wont look good in court either. This whether you like it or not is really between your husband and his ex. It sucks but its reality and you need to prepare yourself for what could be, and that means this child going back to or being in his mothers life. Unfortunately its not your choice, but if she is such a bad parent hopefully you have proof and a judge will take it from there.

Goodluck and remember no matter what the outcome will be, that little boy will regardless remember you as being a major mother-figure in his life and while you take that role its not for you to decide to be his mother and tell his real mother to step aside, you need to think about him in the long term and the reality of it is if his mother really wants to be there its most likely the courts will see you as the interference.

I read through some of the responses and Gayle D was very accurate in hers. The courts don't care how much the biological parent has been involved in the past, all they are concerned with is that that the parent wants to be involved in the present. As difficult as it is to let go you are going to have to. Step-parents, unfortunately, have no legal rights in custody matters. It is an extremely difficult role to be in and one that I commend you for taking on. As hard as it is to come to terms with, your childs biological mom needs to be in your sons life, even if it is just once a year. The more you fight to keep her from him the more she will fight back and the greater the possibility that your son will resent you in the future.

One of the things you're husband needs to ask the courts for before a decision is made is a Homestudy. It is where a social worker visits each home to determine exactly what is going on and how to handle it. If she has not been involved in over a year, she will need to justify her actions. On the other hand if you or your husband have made her visitation impossible or blocked it in any way, you're husband too will have to justify his actions. Homestudy's can be pricey, and most courts will determine who will pay for them. In most cases, each parent pays for their half. Keep in mind, the social worker is a neutral party appointed by the courts, and is not on anyone's side other than the kids.

A homestudy consists of each parent being interviewed, all adults living in each home, all children in each home, neighbors, daycare, teachers, possibly pediatricians in-laws and so on. It feels a bit invasive, however it is always in the best interest of the child to have someone on their side. They may recommend joint custody, or sole custody to one parent or the other with visitation going to the other parent. As a step parent you do have the right to be present in court, but you may or may not be able to speak. Your feelings and emotions are completely IRRELEVANT in this procedure. The courts in the US are geared towards the birth parents. Be prepared for that so you're feelings aren't hurt. Be patient, it's a long miserable process.

Do you have a lawyer? If not get one. If his Bio Mother is going to be apart of his life then as for Supervised Vistitaion only! I don't see where the court will award her sole custody if she has one seen him once in a years time. Keep a record of when she has seen him, how she acts when she is around him and if she calls so you have documentation for the court.

He needs you to be ther for him and fight for him. If she is pregnant with her 4th child to another person again she does not sound like a fit Mother in the first place. Some people like this are only after the money that the State can give them.

Fight for Full Custody but she can have Supervised Visitation.

Hope this helps.

Hello J..
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Take comfort in knowing that there is a reason that the child is in your care and not his mother's. I will tell you though there is little hope of removing the child's mother from his life, unless there is definative proof of genuine harm coming to him. From the sounds of it, you have a better chance getting the situation stilled, through the courts. Once the fight is taken away from her, she will show her true priorities.

The Bernalillo family court system is arranged differently than any other in the state. You will have better odds in your battle if you are within it. If not, that you and your husband have his child, says you are not doing poorly as it is.

A book that may help you is called: Family Law in New Mexico. It is used as a textbook at UNM law school. You can find it online, usually used. I found mine through a bookseller on Amazon.

I wish you luck, and my prayers are with you and the child.
K.

Unfortunately in Arizona alot of the laws protect the mother in custody cases. The state favors the mom unless the child is in immediate danger or the mother is no longer able to take care of the child. The only thing you might have in your favor is the fact that she hasnt seen the child in a year, you could maybe argue abandonment. Either way definitely seek the help of a lawyer because rarely does custody go to the father even if its the right thing.

I too am a step-mom where the mother left. If your husband initially had joint custody with him as the primary parent, then the courts may look more favorably on your situation. I haven't seen anything out there that even addresses this type of case. Hopefully, you have good legal counsel, and have kept a log of specific times of where you and your husband offered visitation, but was denied by the bio-mother, or times when aid was asked for and denied. All of those things can really bolster your case. If custody of your son was never really settled after your husband's divorce, then you'll have a big battle ahead of you.

My heart goes out to you. I know how distressing it is to have fallen in love with a child and then have to have them taken away. When my husband's ex left, she left 2 other children from a previous marriage. My husband was made guardian, and a year later she wanted them back. Guardianship is different than having biological ties, so we lost them, and I was left to explain to my son (who was only 5 at the time) why his "mommy" didn't want him to live with her too. Through some act of God, she's now relinquishing her parental rights and allowing me to adopt my step-son.

My prayers are with you.

J.,

I haven't been in this situation before, but I have a couple of suggestions I hope will help you. First, I want to send you lots of prayers and energy for you, your son, your husband and even the biological mom. Just keep loving your son and being his mom. Hopefully the judge will see in the end who really is the best for your son and who is the most stable family for him to be with. Also, I'm sure this is very stressful for your husband as well...make sure to keep your communication with him open, strong, and loving. You both will come out stronger in the end if he and you walk the higher path. My brother in law lives in Texas and went through a nasty custody battle as well....his ex was also trying to get sole custody, and he just wanted partial custody. Every situation in different and their child is older, but my brother in law had to get someone appointed just for their child. The title of this person escapes me now, but they were in charge of making sure both sides were doing what was in the best interst of their child. The lawyers work for the parents, the judge just hears both sides, and the child needs someone who looks out for them from an unbiased standpoint and makes recommendations to the judge. If you havn't done so I would encourage you to find someone who's job is to do this. An outside person who is involved in the process and looks out for the best interest of the child in an unbiased judgment might help you and your husband....if his biological mom truly is not the best person to raise him.
Your son is fortunate to have you in his life. Make sure to take good care of yourself as well by seeking support, making time for yourself, and by staying in the moment. When you and your husband are doing everything you can to keep a safe, nurturing, stable, and loving home- and doing what you can legally to protect your son - have faith that things will work out...no matter the outcome. It's hard not to be attached to an outcome, but most of the time we are only in control of what we are doing right now.

Much good energy to you and your family,

In Peace,
A.

Honestly, I know it is pricey but, you need an attorney to do this for you. You may already have one and if you do not feel like he see's what your motives are and what you want then find one who does. Good luck. I pray he gets to stay with you...his Mommy.

Just keep loving him like crazy no matter what and be extra supportive to your husband. My husband's mom left when my husband was 1 year old and took him with her. His mom didn't expect his dad to fight for him but he did and won. He was a single dad and she had got remarried and she lost custody because she left. But the divorce and custody battle took a toll on my husband and still effects him today even though he was so young. No matter what the outcome, love and encourage and be there for your son and husband! It won't be easy but I applaud you for loving them so much and not giving up! Good luck!

Hi J. -

I wish I could point you to a book or legal information to help you - I can only share my experience. When my ex and I married, Chris was almost 2. Though he didn't live with us all the time, I had him ever weekend, all summer and every holiday - I couldn't love him more if he was mine. My ex and his mom were never married, so there wasn't the custody battle but she continually used him to get to his dad - even when she was with someone else. Chris was 10 when his dad & I divorced, he continued to call me "mom", much to his mother and my ex-in laws distaste.

I am happy to report that Chris is now 23 and has a son of his own. I still get phone calls and pictures of my grandson - and - he still calls me "MOM".

I truely hope you and your husband are able to get custody, but even if you aren't, never let him go in your heart!

Blessings,

M.

Hopefully your husband has a good lawyer and is seeking full and sole custody of this baby. His mother sounds like an all-time loser who just wants kids to get government money. Unfortunately it is all to common. My father is a family law attorney who specializes in child custody. If you want his name and number for any advice, let me know. Good luck.

Hi J.- You sound as though you care a lot about the little one. Write down every contact that his natual mother had with him within the last year, and earleier, if you know them. Why did she desert, has anyone turned her in for suspected neglect of her other children, etc. Do not deny her the ability to see her child- that is, follow all court orders. She is unlikely to get full and sole custody due to the fact that the child barely knows her. Just keep being kind and considerate while enforcing the terms of any visitation agreements. The judge will be impressed. Just keep loving and caring for him with all your heart. You are giving him the foundation for a decent life. It is an opportunity. Try not to worry about the rest- what will happen will happen, but make sure that you are not part of the negative stuff. Hope this helps- S.