Step Son & Hubbies Exwife Problems

Remember this is a child and a childs point of view. He only sees the good and is being spoiled. Continue to be the amazing and wonderful mother you have been and one day when he can see it from an adult perspective he will thank you. I know this is hard on you and it is hard when children can’t see the whole picture (for their best interest). But, in the end you know what is best and he will love and respect you for it. Don’t let this woman and her lack of parenting come between you and your husband and child (easier said than done, I know)! Let the anger go (as it is only hurting you)and keep doing the "right thing" for your family. Good luck!

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I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come/go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but truly kids appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
S. C., MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

What you're going through is so hard and, unfortunately, not uncommon. You are trying to take on a role that isn't yours to take on. Even though you have been with him since he was a baby, you are not his biological mother. This makes mothering him extremely difficult since he knows his biological mother. Unless you are listed as having custody (unusual because you are only recently married), you are not his mother and that makes your role more complicated. You and your husband need to be on the same page as far as structure and house rules. You can enforce them because you are an adult. However, he must deal with his ex. You are never going to be able to change how she behaves, only how you do. As you continue to be the loving, caring, daily influence in that boy's life, he will come to honor and appreciate it. You know you are doing the right thing and that knowledge is what is going to allow you to manage your anger and frustration at this woman. Know that you are the one who experiences her son every day, not her. Love him, love your husband, and, most of all, love yourself for taking on this very difficult job. Don't give her power over you to change that love. Good luck.

There are a lot of things to consider here. First of all, since this child has been in your life and care almost since birth, the family issue is as much your duty and responsibility as it is your husband's. And, since you cannot wave a magic wand and make the bio-mom disappear, you and hubby need to find a mature way of dealing with her (whether she chooses to be mature or not!) You should decide which of you is better able to deal directly with bio-mom and, although you both need to present a solid front, that one should be the one to be the primary spokesperson. Ideally, you should all be able to handle and resolve issues in an adult manner but, given bio-mom's background, that may not be possible.

You are well aware that your stepson is operating from minimal social and relationship experience. His expectations are those of a six year old and so he relates to things on that level with no awareness of the overall demands of a child's wellbeing. That is why parents are deemed responsible for the actions of their children until they reach a certain age. And that is why you and your husband have custody of your son. it is imperative that we, as a society, provide the best guidance and nurturing of our children that we possibly can. Understandably, you are frustrated with dealing with your son's expressions of dissatisfaction over his living conditions when you sacrifice so much for him. And it is easy to let that frustration shift to anger. Just be careful you don't let that anger manifest itself against those who are not responsible - like your son. Try to recognize that the anger is merely a logical response to the frustration you feel of the situation.

Now, since your hubby's ex- was deemed an unfit parent and you (you and your husband collectively) were given responsibility for her child, it falls to you to help your son understand WHY he cannot live with his mother. This can be kind of tricky territory to navigate since you need to make him understand the courts believe he would not be properly cared for by his bio-mom but you don't want to appear the nasty, wicked stepmother dissing the mom. When you tackle this, be sure to let him know that his other mom loves him but she has some problems of her own and sometimes she may do things that are not right for her or for him. Try to find ways to relate those big, grown-up issues in a child's realm of understanding. ("If we are hungry and I fix something for me to eat but don't feed you, that wouldn't be right, would it?" or "If Daddy and I go somewhere and leave you at home all night alone, that could be scary for you. You would feel sad because we left you all alone and the police could lock us up for doing that to you." and "But we would never do anything like that because you are the most important thing in our lives." but "Sometimes, because of her problems, your other-mother might not be able to see that something is not necessarily good for you." so "The court says you cannot live with her.") This segues to my next point.

Some other things to consider:
You also have some possible legal alternatives. You don't say whether your son stays overnight with his bio-mom or if the court order allows or restricts the type of visitation she may have with your son. You also don't indicate whether the child custody order was issued prior to, or in ocnjunction with, your involvement with the family. If the court documents list you as a party to the case, that can simplify future legal actions.

If the court dox stipulate that bio-mom may have overnight visitations or there is no stipulation concerning supervised vs. unsupervised visitations, you may want to go back to court to clarify and/or modify this issue. If you feel the visits with bio-mom are too disruptive, you might want to check into restrictive b-m's access by Motion for no overnight visits or, if she has no overnight visitation, further restricting visits to supervised visitation only. This will allow her to spend time with him but will not give her control over the situation. That is, she may be able to see him at an exchange center or Safe Place (where the visits can be monitored) but she would not be allowed to take him home.

Also, does the bio-mom contribute anything toward child support? Regardless of her personal financial situation, this should be a given and she should be made, by court order, to contribute to her son's maintenance.

The toughest thing to do, as others have already mentioned, is to take your personal feelings out of the equation. Remember, in the final analysis, you want to do what is best for your son, your family, and your relationship with yoru husband.

Lastly, in the final analysis, in years to come, your son will know you always tried to do what was best for him and he will love you for it. That is your greatest reward for the heartache and emotional turmoil you feel now. And it's worth it ... HE'S worth it.

Good luck and, if you need a shoulder to cry on or a compassionate ear, drop me a line.

that must be soooo hard on you :( I dealt with a similar situation with my cousin having continual births and I am suppose to feel "sorry" for her financial burden and babysit constantly?
Doing the right thing isnt always easy but believe me - you are!
Hopefully one day he will thank you for the structure and discipline - not now - but eventually - your son will go his own way - and it may not be YOUR way but they all usually come around when the "bad habit" runs its course.
Be strong and open hearted- he is just a kid - and from my personal experience - it is hard for a kid not to hang on to a broken mother.
It seems we all want some kind of acceptance from the one who CAN'T be there for us - its a bad cycle of self inflicted torture that i cant figure out for myself :)

This is your husband's problem more than it is yours. Frustrating as can be... but not much you can do about it. It's natural that this child will love his mother; it's also natural for him to want (or at least think he wants) the kind of freedom he gets when he's with her. You shouldn't try to interfere with the first part, because he may just end up resenting you, and liking her more just because he thinks you don't. Let him discover the negatives about his mom on his own -- it's bound to happen sooner or later (unless she straightens up, in which case you'll be even more glad that you've played nice), and then he'll be able to fall back on the comfort, security and love that you and his father have always shown.

As far as the other part -- first make sure that she is not going to be a danger to him *now*, that she's not leaving him alone or taking him to bars still -- and then suck it up and deal with it. Rather, see what your husband thinks about it, and indirectly tell him that his son is horrible after coming home from visiting his mother, and that his son needs for his dad to make sure that the son understands the rules that he (*not you*) has made. If, on the other hand, she is still wild and may neglect him, you may want to try to get your husband to rethink letting him go off with her for more than a few hours at a time. You may not have the legal right to do that - I don't know if the custody arrangement is such that you have sole custody and she has no rights whatsoever to see him, or if she is allowed to have him every other weekend or two weeks in the summer or what.

It's going to be tough, no matter what, but that's part of what being an adult is about. Do the right thing, and do what is best for this child. Do it with grace and sensitivity and with a smile.

First, be thankful that her influence in his life seems minimal.
You're right to let him see his mom when he can.
Make sure the rules in YOUR home are clear and make sure he understands them.
When he returns from a visit, go over the rules with him so he understands. My son s 6 so I'll bet he can read a written list of the rules with you.
Good luck and God Bless. This little guy needs you there in his life. You may not get it now, but he will appreciate it later. Make sure you & hubby are on the same page with the rules. Don't take to heart anything a 6 yo says regarding his love....