1St Unsupervised Visit

Probably not what you want to hear but:

The fact that she was 15 when she had the baby does have bearing on this situation. She was a child. She is now an adult. If she has her life together and wants to be a part of her child's life and is capable of doing so you need to try to find a way to support this (and you need to prepare for the possibility that Sue's mother will gain custody which is terrible for you...counseling, perhaps?).

I understand where you are coming from, you have raised Sue...she is your child but you have to ask yourself if it is in Sue's best interest, in the long run, to have her biological mother be part of her life. Sue's mother went running off to find her absent mother after having a baby at 15...see what I'm getting at?

As to the unsupervised visits...have you tried asking Sue's bio mother if she would extend the courtesy of letting you know where Sue will be? She might be perfectly willing to tell you if things aren't extremely contentious between you.

Good luck.

Oh man - what a tough situation. I hope your attorney has told you that you can't adopt Sue unless both her biological parents give up their rights, and if they're interested in visitation then are they really going to give up their rights? What I mean is... are you sure you're working towards the same goals as your niece is?

That said, I don't know that there's anything you can do about the visitation. If you've agreed to it then you're stuck. Do you have legal custody of Sue? Are you willing to go back to court? If not, then I think sit down with your niece and talk through how visitation will work. She may not be legally required to tell you where she's taking Sue, but if you keep the relationship positive, why wouldn't she?

You sound pretty harsh in this post, IMO.

I also believe that you should reconsider your outlook on the bio-Mom...the fact that she was only 15y/o when she had the baby SHOULD PLAY A HUGE role in how the situation is processed and such...I am completely confused as to why and how you could say that you believe her age should have no bearing on the situation?!?! Are you serious? Bio-Mom was a child when she had the baby...of course she wasn't going to make the best, most adult decisions regarding raising her baby, she was a baby herself for crying out loud!

I understand your fears, really I do but I suggest you try to build a strong bond with your niece instead of holding onto the anger and distrust you seem to have. The better the bond between you and bio-mom the better for the whole situation and especially the baby! The 'baby' being only 4.5y/o and *only* have lived with you for the last 2 years is still very young and plenty of time and ability to bond with her real Mommy...please don't get in the way of that!

Your niece owes you the world, you and your Mother for taking care of her baby and keeping her safe and happy. Allow the bio-mom the opportunity to show you how much she appreciates you and all that you have done.

If I were you I would invite my niece in with open arms and an open heart!

I'm a foster mom, so I will be answering this from that perspective.

This sucks. I'm sorry. It is so, so hard to parent other people's kids sometimes. You completely fall in love with the kid, and it's so easy to want to just forget that the biological parents even exist. You stand back and look at the situation and it can be so clear that the child would have such a better life with you. You just want the bio parents to disappear so that you can just carry on with your life. I know. I've been there.

But you HAVE to look at this from another angle. You have to see what would hold up in court. I can only go by the info you have given us here.

Mom was 15 when she was born. I know you don't think this should have any bearing, but this is a HUGE deal. Very few 15 year olds have the capability to care for a baby. You didn't go into details, but you said that the baby was raised by you and your mom. Not sure why she didn't leave the baby with her parents. Did she not have good examples from her parents as to how to be a good parent? She was a kid, a baby having a baby. There is a huge difference, maturity wise, between 15 and 19. Is it the ideal situation? No. But a 19 year old has a much better shot at successfully raising a child.

If Mom's attorney as well as the little girl's attorney both agree that Mom would stand a good chance in court of getting the little girl back, you have to understand that is what will probably happen if her mom pushes it. You need to come to terms with the fact that Sue will more than likely end up going back home to live with her mom eventually. It sucks, and is so, so hard to admit, but for your sake, and for Sue's, you need to. In the eyes of the law, you are Sue's relative, but not her mother. In the eyes of the law, you have been a wonderful caregiver, but not her permanent placement.

At this point, you need to continue to love and care for Sue, but accept the fact that her other mom is a big part of her life, and the big picture. You need to start working WITH bio mom, not against her. Start sharing things with her about Sue's life. Share pictures, drawings, videos. Meet at a restaurant for dinner. Invite her over for a visit. Let her really be comfortable with you. Because one of two things is going to happen; either Sue will stay with you or she will be leaving you. If Sue stays with you, you need to be able to truthfully tell her when she's older that you tried everything you could to help her mom. If she leaves, you want bio mom to respect and acknowledge the bond you share, and allow you to still be a big part of her life.

It sucks, and it can be so, so hard. But you have to be able to accept that as much as you love Sue, she has another mom who is going to be a huge part of her life.

you said sue is your niece. does that make this previously 15 yo mom your sister or was the dad your brother? i'm confused?

i would say that if she was 15 and sounds like she had a tough life considering her bio mom lived states away and had a rough period and had a baby and now straightened herself out and wants to be a positive person in sue's life you should encourage her. she is family right? i think having her bio mom abandon her would be a lot worse then more visits from her.

I sympathize with what you are going through. My sister is currently in a similar situation only the bio mom is not a relative. My first advice to you is to pray about the situation. It appears you and your mom have been trusted to take care of someone else’s child (relative or not) when one or both bio parents could not, therefore that in itself says a lot. I guess my only question is whether both bio parents want to gain full custody of Sue or are they only interested in having visitation for establishing some sort of relationship?

Given that you said your daughter’s bio mom was not raised by her own mother, I will assume that your daughter’s bio mom did not have a relationship with her mom as well. If that is so, then maybe your daughter’s bio mom only wants to establish some sort of relationship so that she does not make the same mistake. If that is true, I would suggest that you and your husband (more so you, given that she is your niece) work on building or rebuilding a relationship with your niece, which would be beneficial to all parties involved. Your niece may or may not want to gain full custody of her biological daughter; however, if she does and the court is in favor of her regaining custody, there is still a close connection that you all can and will have. Just my thought; however, I pray and hope the best for you, your husband, your niece, and especially Sue.

I'm not clear where you and your husband are in the adoption process. Usually the adoption process/timeline is completely separate from any reunification effort with biological parents (at least here in my area). If you're adoption is complete, then you and your husband are allowing these visitations for the benefit of your daughter's bond with her birth parents. If your adoption is not final, then the either of the birth parents can petition court to regain custody of their child at any time before their parental rights are terminated. During the adoption process their parental rights are only suspended, not terminated. Sorry to hear the bonding with her birth M. is the root of so much pain for you. Good luck.

This sucks for you. I hope that I am never in this situation. I've even debated never being a foster parent bc I don't know if I could handle seeing a child go back to a situation that may not be ideal. A friend of mine works for CPS and their goal is to keep children with their bio parent/s if possible. If you had filed abandonment years ago you might have a better chance but with her being 19 and wanting her daughter back the court may look at it as she's now mature enough to take care of a child. You might be able to request that she take parenting classes and while she goes through those classes that visitation continues how it is until she has completed and can show she can financially and responsibly take care of her daughter. My next door neighbors had something similar where her daughter and bf went to run errands one day leaving both kids there at the house and never came back. They filed for abandonment against the parents and eventually filed for full custody and were able to get it. Her daughter has come back maybe once or twice to see them but the court is more strict about it bc it took several yrs to complete the adoption so since it was final was pretty much impossible for her to ever get them back. You can def get a lawyer to plead your case of she left her daughter, never sent money to help support her and she knows the two of you as parents. A judge will def take this into consideration but not sure the outcome. Good Luck!

First of all, you need to wrap your head around the idea that she is not your daughter. Sorry, I know that hurts, but she really isn't. You are her auntie and you should get used to being called that because as long as mom wants to be in her life and as long as she doesn't do anything egregious, she will be mom and you will be auntie.

I don't know what kind of advice you are seeking. The courts will tell you what happens next. Until then, bio mom gets her unsupervised visits and you suck it up.

I really think you need to give bio mom a break. 15 is awful young to have a baby. She did what was best for her baby when she left her with you/your mom. She is now 19, a bit more mature and able to accept gainful, full time employment to support herself and her child. Her circumstances have changed and she should be allowed time with her child.

You should have encouraged a relationship between mom and child and taught the child who her mother really is. What you have done will cause a lot of confusion for her. She may end up resenting you for lying to her about who you really are and who her mother is. The one thing I have learned is that kids have a DEEP loyalty to their parents, no matter how crappy the parents are. Trying to go against that backfires and it is never good.

Good luck to bio mom and her baby!

How hard Mama! I don't even know what to say. You did the heroic thing by agreeing to raise Sue when her parents wouldn't/couldn't. Sounds like one of the risks in giving your heart and home to her was the chance her bio parents would come back. Are they fighting the adoption? Sending hugs and prayers your way.

I don't have much advise but just wanted you to know I know how you feel. I had guardianship of a boy for five years when his bio mom showed up and wanted visitation. It really stinks and can be so scary letting your child go alone. Try to keep or build a positive relationship with bio mom. Maybe you can get more info from her that way. Also, she may feel less threatened by you. Hang in there. I think you did right by coming to an agreement. The courts are very much in favor of bio parents even if they haven't been around for years. Judges can do whatever they want. When it comes to visitation and custody there is no jury of your peers. The judge has all the power.