Help with Handling In-laws

I think you have gotten some great advice! Unfortunately that is a very common scenerio with blended families. My mother/family has taken in my step daughter as a member of the family...I still catch my MIL playing favorites a bit which she claims is because of age. My step daughter is 10 and my daughter is 4. My FIL doesn't consider my daughter one of his grandchildren at all (they are divorced, so it's 2 halves of my DH's family). We hope that once we have a baby together both sides of the family will be more accepting of us as a family unit.

I could see that if her mother had wanted her to hangout without your daughter that would be ok but to have the girls in his family hangout and not your daughter b/c shes not biologically his just rubs me the wrong way, i mean what if you guys had adopted a child, would they not let that child come too b/c its not biologically either of yours? some people just need to learn to include others esp since it seems obvious that your step daughter views your daughter as her sister and refuses to go with them- i think thats great that she can stand up for her step sister when she needs to.

I can't even believe this! My 10 year old knows better... your in-laws are acting like children and I wouldn't allow them to include one without the other. You are a family and if they can't see that, who needs them? I'd tell them if they can't respect your family as a unit, they needn't include any of you. Luckily his daughter agrees and doesn't want to go without your daughter, that should make things easier. Tell YOUR daughter that there is no accounting for other peoples' behavior. You can't control how they act or what they do, you can only control your reaction to it.

That is a tough situation, because in some areas, you only have so much say in what your stepdaughter can do. In cases like that, though, keep putting your foot down and telling them that you have other plans as a family when your own daughter is not invited. That is a total crock for them to do that. Good for your husband for talking to them, and your stepdaughter standing up for your daughter. My 2 oldest children are also my husband's stepchildren, and I sometimes see the same kind of favoritism with some people (luckily not all) in his family towards the "biological relatives". It's very hurtful when the kids are old enough to pick up on it. But like I said, every chance you get, decline their invitations unless it is a FAMILY event (meaning your whole family, or at least all of the kids, are invited along). Hopefully, they will give it a chance and realize that they want your daughter to be in their lives as much as your husband's daughter is.

Yahoo to your husband, I do understand that your daughter may not be biologically his, but he does consider her his family. My hat is off to him for standing up to his family about how he feels about his family. It it a shame that your husband family feels like they should not enclude both your girls, it sounds like to me they are sticking together (the girls.) and i have to admire them for that. But somewhere in this puzzle we have to understand that they do have different families. And somewhere done the line your daugther maybe in the same boat with her side of the family. I truly believe we should treat all our children the same, but life is not always that way. I wish the best for you and your new family and I will keep you all in my prays. Sometimes it just about acceptance

First off, I think that's great that your step-daughter refused to be part of something so shabby. That's exactly what it was, shabby. I don't know if I can give you advice, since I've never been in this situation, but if it were me, and my child being hurt by such an attitude, I would probably say something to the in-laws. Your husband regards all the children as his? If so, his family needs to grow up and act like family. These days, biology is low on the totem pole, with meldings thru divorce and remarriage, adoption, fertility problems, things like that. All that matters is love. I'm sorry your in-laws are being so cruel, and I hope their attitude changes. Just stand firm, and let them know you are a family now, and your daughters are a package deal. Good luck, and I hope you get better advice than my rambling!

J.

J. I understand what your going thru.
Dr. Phil says let your husband handle his family.
I have sorta a similar situation. I have a 11yr old boy from a previous relationship. He hasn't seen his father in 8 yrs. My husband and I have been together since my son was 3. We are very close w/ my 11 yr. olds grandparents. They treat me and my husband like we are there kids, to a certain degree. We now have a 3yr old son too. Well my 11 yr old would go to his grandparents every weekend on sat night and stay till sun. . Yet they will only take our 3 yr old for dinner on sat night and breakfast on sun morning then bring him home. I don't want my boys feeling like there are two seperate familys, by older son's dad's side and me & my husband. So I've instituted a new rule. If both boys can't go, neither will go. We are one family and will not be broken up into two by other people. If they don't like it, to bad they will get over it if they want to see the older one. I say do what your heart tells you. They wouldn't like it if you treated his daughter differently, so why do they think they can treat yours differently. But I suggest letting your husband handle his family. He needs to back you up.
Good luck.
~C.

Good for his daughter for having the maturity to realize her stepsister was being insulted! I don't know her but I'm just so proud of her for making that stand. Imagine the shame her aunts and grandmother hopefully feel knowing that a child has more respect for others than they do. My mother in law is kind of like that, really rude to others. She calls it "being outspoken." Well...my kids (her biological grandchildren) don't like to visit her, although they do love their grandpa, so they put up with her. It sounds to me like your stepdaughter has solved the problem...if my stepsister isn't welcome, then neither am I. Good for her!!!

Hats off to your husband for speaking up!! All the kids should be treated as equal. Biological or not.
My husband and I been together for 8 years, and he has 3 children from a previous marriage (they dont live with us tho), and i have 1 daughter from a previous relationship and we have two boys together. My Family treat his older children as part of our family. His family treat my daughter like family, but sometimes to me, not as special as the others. But that might be just me. They have not done anything as awful as your in-laws I must say.
Good Luck with your situation! J

J.,

I think you are handling it great. When you and your husband got married, you became one. This includes your children. They are ONE family. I know my step-grandma (who is the only grandma I know, she married my grandpa before I was born) has done things like this in the past and we choose to make excuses and allow ourselves to be busy. We do not have time to play games, life is too short. Stepfamilies come with their own challenges and you don't need to invite division into your family. It's great that your daughter is sticking up for her sister. I would encourage the behavior and when grandma asks, let her know that "her granddaughter" was not going to go without her sister. God bless and good luck!

J.

No offense but I think your husband's family is rude. So what if one of your daughter's isn't his biological daughter. He more than likely loves her like his own so why doesn't his family treat her like his own. That is so retarded. If I was u I would write them a letter if u can't directly say something to them and tell them how u feel.

I don't have an answer, but I think that your husband was correct in saying something, I think that shows compassion from your stepdaughter towards your daughter. My hubby has a blended family B.

If your in-laws refuse to take your daughter then they obviously do not accept you or your daughter. That is absolutely ridiculous. What a frusterating situation to be in. Even if they agree to take your daughter they would just be doing it so they can take the others. They need to learn to treat all of the girls as a family unit because that is what they are. If they cannot do that then I wouldn't want any of my daughters around them step child or not. The only thing I would suggest is to have them sit down with you and your husband and explain to them how this has hurt you and the girls. Hopefully they will see the err of their ways. Good luck.

just to give another point of view . . . keep in mind that you and your daughter have only been a part of the family for 2 years. I totally understand why it stung a little, but it is understandable that they feel more attached to the biological children who have been family to them since birth. Often, this type of situation *is* an indication that they are struggling with the new blended family. . . *but* it doesn't have to be hurtful. Couldn't they sometimes have "alone time" with just your husband's daughters (thereby giving you some "alone time" with your own daughter which she might need in the new family situation) as long as it is still balanced by *family* gatherings that are all inclusive?

We do not have a blended family, yet my parents still do not always takes *all* the children. Sometimes it is nice for them (and for the kids) to have just one child to spoil. Sometimes, we let them go two at a time and sometimes all together--it just depends. But there is value in having both all-inclusive gatherings as well as time when they get to have grandma (or aunt or whoever) all to themselves. Whenever only one child goes with grandma, I plan something special for the ones at home (even if it's just letting them pick out a movie to watch or making playdough) so that they can enjoy themselves as well.

I would calmly state to the in-laws that if your daughter is not included, then no one in your household is invited. I would respect your stepdaughters wishes and not make her go. Maybe if the in-laws see how "adult" your stepdaughter is being, they will be also. Have your husband with you when you talk to the in-laws to provide a united front. Family is about accepting everyone, not just who is "biologically yours", after all, we are all related if we all came from Adam and Eve.

I went through the same thing between my two daughters. I would pull the inlaws to the side (not in front of kids) and tell them they are sisters and they are a package deal. Treat them the same. She is part of the family OUR family, if you can't accept that, then you won't take either child, these are my rules.

My inlaws finally came around took about a year, but they love them the same now, they were jerks for a while. Know we all seem to get along in this area.

good luck some inlaws never come around.

Personally, I think what they did was totally wrong! I have a stepdaughter and I never let my family treat her that way (not that they wanted to). She was here for 5 yrs before I had my 2 kids and she is just as much a member of our family as they are. If you are a family in which both daughters are living together as sisters, they should be treated as such by all! If your husband's family members are trying to come between that, I would put a stop to that right now! Kuddos to your husband for speaking up, but he needs to make it clear that you are a family now and they are sisters and tell them not to do this again. If one is invited, both both are invited and both are to be treated as sisters! It sounds like they are not accepting of your husband's family and they are making the bio-step thing an issue...it is not their place to do that. The girls did not like it and they are the important thing here, not what the aunts, gramma, etc think! My mom and sisters accepted my stepdaughter as my daughter from the time her dad and I got married the same as I did. Not only did you marry your husband, but your families married also and it is an added bonus that both daughters became close, please don't let someone else wreck that by alienating one of them.