Does This Seem Rude or Am I Over-reacting?

It's rude! And yes, it would be awkward to say something, b/c then you will somehow be viewed as the "bad guy," or "too sensitive," or "starting up/being dramatic" - or something like that. That has happened to me before, and my first thought is always "was I not good enough that she had to bring someone else along?" I never said anything. Just went along with it, b/c there's nothing I could do about it, unless I wanted to "start up." (and nothing good will ever come out of that)!

How close are you with her? Maybe stop doing things with her socially for a while, or even altogether. Good luck!

I think it is rude. The underlying message is "You aren't worth my undivided attention" or "I brought some others along because you're not enough to entertain me"

I have had people do that and I didn't like it. I would say something the next time you have plans...perhaps say,
"This is just you and me, right?" or if you have reservations with a group, "we need an exact head count, just you are coming right?"

My sister had a problem with her stepson and his wife. They would offer to take them out for their birthdays and the stepson and his wife would bring her grown kids. My sister and her husband had to pay the bill for everyone. Very rude.

If it's supposed to be the two of you, check in shortly before and confirm. "Hey. See you at 3. Just us or are you bringing a friend?" If she replies she's bringing someone, I'd reply "ok. Let's reschedule then. I also need to do xyz today and since I don't really know Friend A, I'll do xyz and we can catch up another time and you can visit with Friend A. Have fun!" Then follow up with a new date. Repeat as needed or by #3 if she doesn't change I'd forget her. Or do it back to her! If it's a group thing, way easier to not come across as needy but if she bring people it's too many for the venue and/or you dont think the other friends coming will want it etc. Again, repeat as needed or eventually cut ties. It's definitely rude what she's doing.

I have a friend that does this as well. We will set up dinner plans and low and behold when I arrive at the restaurant there she is with two other friends. Now don't get me wrong, they are great people but they are really her friends. Sometimes I will feel like a 3rd wheel because of the direction the conversation goes and I just end up feeling mad. I had wanted time with my friend and got a ride along.

I'll be watching for the response you get because I'm really not sure how to handle it either.

M

Well, I think your friend needs to be told that it's disruptive. You could have a friendly conversation and just tell her "you know, I love seeing you and when you bring other people to gatherings, it does tend to throw us/me off a little bit. We want some time with just you.... and you know how it is, sometimes, when there are people coming that we don't know, people tend to be on their best behavior-- and sometimes, that's not as fun because we just want to dish, you know?"

Don't assume she's doing it out of anything other than No One Has Told Her Better. She may have grown up with other adults who acted like this sort of behavior was perfectly fine, so you may be giving her new information.

And please, don't do any of the very passive aggressive things suggested, like just leaving. I mean, that's just immature. This is a *friend* who is committing what we would all agree would be a social faux pas, but it's not like she's inviting people's exes to the gatherings. Sure, she should ask first if it would be okay to invite so-and-so-- good manners dictate that would be the place for her to start, but if no one has had the guts to just be forthright with her, treating her like a criminal is just BS high school behavior. Friends communicate with each other. She's not being good in that regard, but it doesn't mean one has to shame her or humiliate her or cause a scene to make a point. That's just dysfunctional. Give her a chance to correct the problem before deciding on any rash action.

I think that if she is inviting people when you have reservations for so many, you need to be direct. Tell her that the reservations are for HER and her husband only (or wife, or SO...) and that you cannot have extra people at the event. If it is for a birthday or other occasion, stress that only friends of the birthday person are invited. This is not an occasion to bring more people. If she can't get that, I would stop inviting her or only invite her to things like barbecues where it doesn't matter so much.

Don't think of it as being a jerk. Think of it as being assertive.

If she's really a friend, you should be able to bring this up with her, and should not be so worried about "coming across as a total jerk." So....is she a good friend of some years' standing? Or more of an acquaintance, or someone you tend to see only or mostly within a certain group of people?

If she's a real friend, I'd carry on and make plans with her for next time, but then say with a big smile, "Hey, Sally, by the way. I'd really like this [movie outing/dinner/shopping trip/coffee time] to be just the two of us so we can really talk alone and catch up. So just us two for this one, OK?" And reiterate that when you confirm with her (yes, confirm with her so you have the excuse to reiterate: "Remember, this is for just you and me, so we can catch up").

If she is obtuse enough that she still brings someone along, well, maybe you and she aren't as close as you thought. Afterward I'd tell her with a deeply regretful voice, "Sally, while I enjoyed seeing you on Saturday, I thought I'd said that I was looking forward to this as a time JUST for the two of us to get together. You didn't mention in advance that you were bringing Amy as well. It can be nice to meet in groups but I feel we never see each other as friends any more but only with others along." Then leave the ball in her court to reply to that.

She might hem and haw and splutter or she might actually come out and have some kind of explanation that makes a bit of sense (Amy has been really down lately and needs bucking up; family members sort of invited themselves along saying they wanted to meet my friends and I'm bad at saying no, and so on). She might indeed be awful at saying no and setting boundaries with these relatives and friends; or she might be a super-social butterfly who figures the more guests the better at EVERY gathering. (The former could be forgivable and something you could even help her work on but the latter is difficult to overcome--I've had friends like that and realized they weren't really very deep friendships.)

So--yes, it's rude, but I wonder if she either feels she must bring people she knows because she fears she can't keep the conversation going (in which case, she has self-esteem issues) or if she just is all about making every party bigger. And it also comes down to this: Is she a real friend whose solo company you sincerely like enough to just tell her that you want to see HER and not others at the same time?

I think that it's terribly rude, and I say something when it's a small group. For my baby shower, some people brought extras. (I use the term RUDE, but I realize that I am likely making it extreme and polarizing, based on how it hits me. Actual rudeness--I think--is more about intent, and I don't ever assume that someone means to be rude.) I thought it rude, but the gathering was large enough for it not to feel so intrusive. I said nothing. When my friend brought her sister to my house for an intimate dinner for four that I had cooked and set the table for--among girlfriends--I said something. I told her that I hadn't prepared for five and she should have let me know ahead of time. (Since there were only four of us, I had set up the kitchen instead of the dining room. I made four dessert cups and used the four-setting dishes. I took a couple of topics off the agenda. Her sister dominated some of the more touchy conversation. I gave her my seat and dessert, and we moved to another room after dinner.)

Next time you plan something, say pointedly to the group that this gathering will include exactly X number of guests. Have the table set for exactly that number, with no room for more. Make it uncomfortable and crowded for more to join. Do this a couple of times to show that you're serious.

It's rude for a number of reasons. In addition to the obvious ones involving preparation, it affects the dynamics of the group, the level of intimacy. These people feel like intruders, and it can cause resentment. Socially, I don't like surprises, and I don't divulge certain information with unvetted ears and hearts around. When you get together with your small circle, you want to let your hair down in a way that you don't do with just anybody. You might even have an agenda of things to discuss that you haven't been able to open up about. That gets disrupted when "outsiders" are there.

I've had someone close to me bring new people around and then open topics that are personal for me. "Oh, you can talk around her." Yeah, but I don't want to. YOU know her. YOU have vetted her, and she meets whatever standards you have in place. Not so for me. I have actually said, "No, she doesn't know me like that."

I haven't had anybody do it when it was supposed to be just the two of us.

Oh, did I answer your question? My vote: RUDE.

ETA: After reading JessicaWessica's reply, I'm trying to imagine someone inviting himself/herself along. I've never been that presumptuous, even with close friends. Seriously, people just think that it's okay to just invite themselves to an intimate event? Not a concert, but a dinner? Huh?

I have an in-law who has done this as long as I have been aware. Everyone knows it and expects it. I don't get it. I gave up every planning anything with her as an individual and only see her when the entire family is together now. That way, I am among friends when she spends all her energy socializing with whomever she brought along.

They all say it is because she collects strays (like dogs,cats, etc... she collects people). I still find it rude to ALWAYS..every.single. occasion.To bring along extra people that were not invited to the occasion.

I think it depends on what you are doing... But in general, I feel like it is rude.

Maybe you can just flat out tell her when inviting her to things that there will only be enough room for those who were expressly invited... Or ask her to give you a call if she decides to bring someone along so you can plan accordingly. (And have a chance to find a way to discourage the extra people if you really don't want them along.)

If it is supposed to be just the two of you, and that is clearly stated, then yes it is rude to just show up with extras. If it is group thing or something then I really don't see the issue and would not label it as rude. But if it really bothers you (and you can't see it as a chance to make new friends and expand your circle) then just be honest with her and let the chips fall where they may.

So this is the part where I become a jerk...because that is rude when it's constant behavior.
People like that only learn from having it backfire on them, in my experience.

If it were me, the next time she does it, I would make an excuse and leave right away upon her showing up with someone else. Like, I'm sorry, I've just had something come up and have to take care of it. Leave her with her friend.
When she asks why, tell her that you planned on hanging out with just her, and not other people.
Rinse and repeat until she gets the message.

(And I swear if she did that with dinner reservations...she'd be waiting with her friends for a table on her own.)

I just have no patience for that kind of thing.

I think it really depends on the event/occasion. If it was a "hey, a bunch of us girls are meeting up at <restaurant> tonight, wanna come?" she might assume it was a "come one, come all" kind of thing. Granted, personally, I would ask whoever extended the invite if I could invite/bring others, but she may just assume it's ok.

If it makes you uncomfortable, just state it up front. Hey, I'd love to get together with you for XYZ event. I know you like to invite others, but would it be ok if it was just us? And then, like Jill T said, just confirm with her before the event that it's still just the 2 of you.

When you go out, does everyone pay their own tab? If so, then unless her showing up with extra people causes a seating issue because the venue is ridiculously crowded, it wouldn't bother me.
If I were treating everyone, and someone showed up with extra people, then I would be pissed.

I don't know what to label her behavior, but for me, more is often merrier, so I don't think I'd care. I would just accept that this friend usually likes to bring along extra people and accept that any time I saw her, she was going to bring others along.

And then when I wanted more intimate moments, I would choose another friend to hang out with.

Some people need to surround themselves with people they feel in control with. I'm guessing that's what's happening with your friend. I'd just accept her for who she is.

It's rude.
I'd start seeing less of her.

there are times when it's fine, but this 'friend' does sound pretty rude. especially when reservations are involved.
i'd start off gently, by adding in things like 'this will be a great hike for 6 (or however many you have planned) people. my kids are looking forward to seeing yours.' or 'it'll be nice to have a one-on-one cup of tea with you, we don't get that opportunity very often.' if it's a reservations situation i'd be more direct, 'i'm making reservations for 8 of us. is that the same head count y'all get?'
if she continues to take advantage, i'd move on from this friendship.
khairete
S.

It is really rude that she doesn't ask you if it is okay with you first. However, maybe you could look at it in a positive way - it is an opportunity to make a new friend. You can never have too many friends, right?

My best friend does this occasionally. It bothers me only if she doesn't let me know first but honestly, 98% of the time she remembers to tell me or ask me. I feel like I need to mentally prepare, especially if I was looking forward to just being able to let loose in a way we only do when it's just us. If I feel like I just don't want to deal with other people when we make the plans then I'll clarify with her, "It's just us tonight/tomorrow, right?"

And she does remember most times to ask if I'm okay with it before even mentioning it to someone else because she would hate it if I did that to her. It drives her nuts when others do it. So I forgive her when she slips.

If someone else overhears her talking about it, or she mentions it because she's excited about it, that's another time she'll warn me because in those instances a mutual friend will invite themselves along. That's part of the 2%. I don't really blame her there.

In most cases I would consider it rude. Now if someone's long lost aunt or friend shows up on her doorstep from 2000 miles away, at the last minute - OK. But otherwise no, I wouldn't like it.

Tell her you miss spending time with her, just her. You have a lot of catching up to do and would like to have a chance to chat, just the two of you.

She sounds like she's an extrovert who wants everyone to be included and enjoy each other's company. She probably has no idea this is not okay with you. Perhaps you should do more things that doesn't matter what the numbers are. If reservations say only so many can come and more show up I'd probably say "Well, you guys go ahead, I'll head on home so they can seat you guys at our table for 4". Or "I think I'm going to pass on tonight. I'll get with you guys later".

It's not hard to just leave if you're uncomfortable. I love doing stuff with people so the more the merrier to me. If reservations are for 4 and now there's 6 I'd hope the server could accommodate the group size and seat everyone in a larger area.

I guess I'm really confused why this bothers you. I've never done it myself, but it doesn't bother me.