Limiting Guests at 9 Year Old Birthday Party

Just invite who you want then when the mom asks tell her that you couldn't accommodate her request. That if she'd let the older girl have her own friends then she'd have been invited. Be very apologetic so the mom doesn't feel it's just a spiteful reaction.

I'd have told her right when she said that that her girl wouldn't be allowed to come. I don't do that. When we do pay for the kids to have a party I don't pay for other kids.

If you really want the girl to come, let her mom know that you're only inviting the one girl
as it is geared towards girls of that age. You only have so many you can accommodate and you
can't invite the younger sibling. Period. End of story. I'd leave it at that. Just be
clear and firm to the mom that it is only for the one girl. In fact, write out an invite
and only put the one girl's name on the envelope AND on the inside of the invitation!

Updated

If you really want the girl to come, let her mom know that you're only inviting the one girl
as it is geared towards girls of that age. You only have so many you can accommodate and you
can't invite the younger sibling. Period. End of story. I'd leave it at that. Just be
clear and firm to the mom that it is only for the one girl. In fact, write out an invite
and only put the one girl's name on the envelope AND on the inside of the invitation!

I would talk to the mom separately, with no kids around, and say Daughter's birthday is coming and I'm only planning on taking a few kids her age. She would like to invite your daughter but I know you mentioned that you wouldn't allow her to come unless Sister was invited. Is that still your stance? If it is, I totally understand and we can ask someone else. You can think about it if you want.

That's basically what I'd say and I think you should say something if you guys are friends and your kids play together all the time. Don't hide it but don't feel bad about it either. I totally get that you want to keep it small and keep it to kids her own age. That's normal. It's rude and not normal to demand siblings get invited to parties too. Trust me, I get it...my son is younger than my daughter and he gets upset that she gets invited to parties to and he can't come along...but it's life! She has friends, he has friends, things aren't always exactly the same and don't need to be the same, they each have their own experiences and they are each learning valuable lessons about life and themselves when these things happen! :)

The neighbor mom is not only rude, she's making a parenting mistake that will bite her in the rear later.

If your daughter wants to, go ahead and invite the friend specifically (but not the sibling) and the mom can be the bad guy telling her kid No. You do not cave. Your daughter does not need to keep quiet.

This is not your problem. It's not your daughter's problem. It's that other mom's problem. You have no explaining to do. If your daughter talks about the party, and the girl wants to know why she wasn't invited, your daughter can say "ask my mom" and you can say, gently, "I'm sorry but this party was only for 9 year olds and your mom wouldn't let you come without your little sister so the decision was your mom's".

My daughter once had a party, and we took 3 kids to a location. They were 3 nice kids, and everyone had fun. Except that there was one rude boy on the block who bullied my daughter, belittled her, accused me - to my face - of lying about my daughter's illnesses, spit on our floor (his house was a complete hoarding disaster that got written up by the health dept), and I was not going to spend one cent or one minute dealing with this boy (we had tried, but he was belligerent and mean). The mom called my daughter the day after the party and screamed at her about how upset her son was, and how dare she have a party and not invite him. She even said "he doesn't have any friends (gee, ya think?) and he feels left out". I took the phone and told the mom that he refused to be polite in our house and refused to be respectful to our daughter, and we didn't invite him and that was that.

These kinds of moms are out there, unfortunately, but we don't have to sneak around, or hide, or lie, or go out the back door at night to avoid being seen on the way to our own party. These are THEIR consequences for bad parenting.

"Of course the younger one can come too but you will have to drive her there and pay for her. Our budget this year is very strained and I simply can't afford another child. We wouldn't want her to feel excluded but I can't pay for her and she won't fit in my car."
Simple and honest explanation.
I do not understand why so many people will not admit to being on a tight budget. It is what it is. The cost of living has skyrocketed over the past several years and paychecks have not kept up with inflation. So just be honest.

Yikes - the neighbor mom needs to stop thinking this is HER party and HER guest list! Don't cave in to her manipulation. Don't invite the older daughter this year, just don't even bring it up!

Next - time to teach your 9 year old about empathy and manners - she doesn't get to blab (and shouldn't have in years past) because there's always SOMEONE who isn't on the guest list. She has to learn to think about others' feelings, and 9 years old is old enough for this lesson. Tell her calmly that there has to be agreement on this or there's no party outside the home. That's if she brings is up on purpose or the way even good kids do, you know, "I'm having a party at XYZ and you're not invited." If she wants the type of party she's switching to, she needs to switch up her behavior. No one gets invited to everything, and one of these days, it will be your daughter who doesn't get invited somewhere. She has to be okay with that.

If it does come up, well, these things happen. I can see the neighbor mom checking her calendar and asking what the plans are. I think you just say that you aren't having a home party "We are going out and doing a a different sort of event. Now that Petunia is getting older, she wants something different, and I'm all in favor of not cleaning the house." Then change the subject. If she should be pushy about inviting her daughter, or offering to drive so both her daughters can come, you have to have enough backbone to say, "That's nice, Suellen, but that's not going to work for us."

Honestly, if someone keeps inviting her child and the younger sibling to YOUR event, at some point you have to decide this is not your circus, not your monkeys. No one's trying to hurt anyone, of course, but no one should be trying to make work for you and increase your expenses.

Otherwise you kind of just have to let things happen and not endlessly sweat the things you cannot control. I know it's hard when you want to protect everyone's feelings, but you just can't. And we found that the trend as kids got older was to have exactly the sort of party you are suggesting so I think it's a natural evolution.

Good luck!

I always gave my kids a fixed number, and let them decide who to invite. Mostly we did at home parties so between 8 and 10 kids was normal, but if we were going to do something that required money and transportation then it was smaller.
I think it's sad when kids can't just be honest, I mean really my kids knew from day one they wouldn't be invited to every party, even if a kid came to theirs, life just doesn't work like that. I suppose if I were you I would just encourage honesty with your daughter. At 9 she should be old enough to understand that if her friend can only come if her little sister is invited than she just can't come. Not fair but really it's the other mother's fault, talk about being rude, who dictates the guest list of other peoples' events?!

This is the new generation problem. When I was growing up, if you weren't invited, you did not go. There a must be a million posts about this problem. These parties cost money to the host and people feel free to bring siblings, the neighbors kids, or I have even had the adults sign up and bill me. I have even had a parent be vocal that her daughter was not invited, when our kids fought often, and we didn't click as well. I don't know what goes on in peoples head when they start feeling this entitlement.

Your daughter probably won't keep quiet. Her excitement will supersede your budget.

i do it all the time. Just don't talk about it.

If the mom brings it up, say "oh you mentioned not to invite the older daughter if i couldn't invite both of your girls." I only invited who I could fit in my car.

Updated

i do it all the time. Just don't talk about it.

If the mom brings it up, say "oh you mentioned not to invite the older daughter if i couldn't invite both of your girls." I only invited who I could fit in my car.

Unfortunately, you can't control other people. It's kind to take into consideration that kids who are not invited may have hurt feelings when something is talked about in front of them (so try not to do that, obviously), but you can't prevent her from ever even knowing it happened, most likely. And, you shouldn't have to. Sorry, but that's life. Everybody doesn't get invited to everything.

It's not a fun thing to learn, but it's reality. If you want to invite the girl, fine, but without the younger sister. MOM can make the call if she wants to decline the invite, then she can explain it to her daughter. It isn't your fault. It's her mom. I say invite the girl, but make it clear to her mom that ONLY the one child is invited. If she chooses to decline (for whatever reason--sister isn't invited, kid has other plans, she's mad, kid has chicken pox--whatever her reason), then that is HER decision and not yours. No reason to feel guilty at all.

For what it's worth, I can't stand when a parent tries to tie one kid's activities to their other kids. Kids are individuals. Even twins, for goodness sakes.

--
ETA, I also would start the conversation with the mom acknowledging that you are aware she said her daughter couldn't come if her sister wasn't also invited. Then tell her point blank that you *do* want the friend to come, but her younger sib is not invited. If mom wants to decline the invite, that's fine, but you didn't want her to feel excluded BY YOUR DAUGHTER. (it isn't your daughter that is excluding her, it's her own mom) This mom is trying to control other people so that SHE doesn't have to be "the bad guy" with her kids. If nobody invites either of them to anything, she doesn't have to explain to either of them why only one was invited. It's dumb, really, b/c kids understand this stuff really well, better than parents at times it seems, once you explain it. So she has made YOU be the bad guy (and your daughter by default) to exclude her child. That's an awful way to parent, in my opinion. And I wouldn't let it dictate to me what kind of person/friend I (or my child) would be. Invite the older daughter. She's your daughter's friend. And your daughter wants her there. Right? Don't invite the younger sib. Let mom sort that out. It's our job.l

--
If your daughter chose 3 OTHER girls (that doesn't include this neighbor child at all), then that's fine. You behave politely, and try not to be obvious in talking about it in front of people that aren't invited. That's just good manners. Whether the kid lives next door or not. Sometimes it cannot be helped. But if it can, then do.

Eventually we all learn that not everyone is invited to every party.
The neighbor girl will learn it and so will your daughter.
It's too bad the friends mom insists the sisters do everything together.
It must be such a drag to have to be together all of the time.
Talk will happen - there's no preventing it - so just deal with any fall out as it happens.
If the other mom has a fit, just say:
"Sorry, but the party is just for 3 guests and my daughter has made her choice. This time this is how it worked out. Next time might be different. I'm sure my daughter isn't invited to every party and we're okay with it. That's just the way it is.".
There's really nothing else to say.

I would just not invite the neighbor girl and tell your daughter not to mention it, but also not to lie about it if it comes up. I.e. if the neighbor girl asks, she can say something like, we are going to xyz and I could only bring a couple friends so some girls from school are going.
Parents who feel like siblings always have to be involved are kinda a pet peeve of mine. I personally think it teaches the wrong lesson to their children and it overall rude. Now, if a parent of a younger kid asks if they can bring their other child, that it totally fine, but demanding it or even worse, not asking and just showing up with the sibling, ugg

If your daughter wants to invite this girl, let her. If the mom pushes back, tell her it's not an option this year. Be honest with her, she's rude.

If your daughter wants to invite the girl, then let her and explain to the mom if she does insist. It is not fair to force a sibling-older or younger-into a party for another. My daughter's birthday is at the end of this month and she has never had a party (first b-day doesn't count). I told her she could invite 10 or 11 friends and we would have it at the end of April so we can do something outside. Then my older girls talked about not being able to invite all the kids she plays with. I am not having a huge thing so everyone will have to understand.

I talk to my kid every year before his birthday party and remind him of how rude it is to talk about a party in front of someone who is not invited. We've had that talk every year since Kindergarten. When he was younger, we used specific example of how would you feel if this happened, etc. Now that we've had the conversation with him 4 years in a row, it's a simple reminder.

Thus, I think the person to really talk with is your daughter. It's not just about this girl and this party, it's about manners and not hurting other people's feelings. If she can't restrain herself from talking about it, she can't have the outside-the-home party.

I wouldn't worry about keeping her mouth shut. Invite the child you want to invite, and make it clear she is the only one invited. If she doesn't come because of that, then "oh well, sorry she can't make it". It is extremely rude to push her other child onto your party. I could see if you required the parents to be there (for whatever reason) and the parent had to bring the other child because there was no one else to watch her, but I am assuming this is just a party for the children, right?

I agree with the moms who say this is really the other mom's problem. We had a neighbor who insisted his younger child be included in things and it made things very awkward for my kids and of course me, the mom trying to deal with it.
We stood firm and said that we weren't trying to be unkind - if they wanted to look at it that way they could, but our intention was just to invite the actual friend over.
We ended up losing that friendship. So that may be the fall out. But people like that are willing to let their kids lose out just so the younger ones are included - that's their deal, not yours.

So - if your daughter would like to invite the girl, then just invite the girl, and if you're worried the younger one will just show up too, then you speak to the mom and say you're only inviting the older one - as this is your daughter's party and that's who she has invited. If you have to get into explanations - you say what you've said here. That you are limiting it to older kids, x amount. You shouldn't have to explain at all, but if you're friends and feel that it will help - that's what I would do, where you've had a history of inviting the younger one.

I guess it would depend on the situation for me. You mention all your girls play together. We have invited a sibling to parties if they are coming as a sibling's guest for them to have someone to play with. So if your younger girl is going to go, I could see it in that case, if they are friends.