Daughter of One-year Old Resents Her Mother Who Babysits Child

Honestly, I think you did the right thing. You set a boundary. Good for you. Offer to keep the baby whenever they need a night out or a weekend, but other than that...let it be. Sometimes it's hard in families when a grandparent watches the grandchildren instead of a disinterested 3rd party who isn't family. Family dynamics can make things difficult and cause people to ignore otherwise obvious boundaries.

Good for you.

This happened to me. Not only was my daughter jealous of my interaction with baby, she was critical of the way I helped her with housework. She was 20 and had never lived on her own until she was pregnant. I kept trying to get along. I did tell her she'd have to get someone else. I, too, was heart broken but I stayed firm and only visited when she was there.

She applied for state assistance and entered a program which trained her for working. This program paid for child care. She couldn't find anyone that could fit her schedule. The result was that I took care of baby at my house and was.paid. I did no housework for her as I had done at her house. I was just grandma. She was less jealous and less critical as she gained confidence.

We managed this way for a couple of years until she was once again pregnant. During the time there was just one baby, we developed a working relationship so that I was able to care for both children at her house. She was again critical of the way I did houswork. I stopped doing housework. I consciously worked at not taking offense.

None of this was easy or smooth. I eventually found a way to take her comments less personally. I better understood, as Diane B suggested, that her words were much more about her than as criticism of me. I focused on being more compassionate and on other ways of feeling good about myself. Again, gradually, we both grew some more and got along better.

My oldest grandchild is nearly 15 and the next nearly 12. The last are 2 and 4. My daughter has not been jealous at all with the last 2. She has gained confidencem So have I. She wasn't much jealous of the 11 yo boy's relationship with me. We do tangle from time to time over the 14 yo girl; another challenge for me and me only because my daughter whom I adopted has mother daughter issues yet to manage. I've learned that it's not my responsibility to see that she deals with her issues. I have enough of my own to keep me busy.

I've had to learn ways to negotiate those waters. The biggest help for me is to frequently remind myself that once more what she says and does is not about me. I have had to stop doing houswork a couple of times so that I could gain perspective. When my granddaughter was 5 or so I was not welcome at their house. We worked that out.

I suggest that when you're able to let go of feeling hurt, recognizing that your daughter feels very insecure, you will feel better. Sounds like she feels that there is not enough love so that her son will love her, his father and you.

I became careful to tell her how much baby needs and wants her. I would hand baby to her before she asked for him. I see my role, in part, to show them both that there is enough love to go around. Mothers keep teaching their whole life. I taught myself ways to support my daughter in a way she could feel supported. Took me years. The pain of those years is worth eventually having a good relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren.

Both you and your daughter are in new territory. You both have new roles in a new relationship.

sounds like she's conflicted about working, and it's always easiest to take out one's fears and furies on those closest to us. that puts a big target on your forehead.
unfortunately suffering in silence then snapping doesn't do much to help, does it? so now she's mad at you, and you've allowed yourself to be put in the position of 'bad guy' and you're going to suffer because you liked being the baby's caregiver.
if you need a different job anyway then get one, but regardless i think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your daughter and clear the air. tell her with love and compassion that you know how hard it is for her to leave every day and see her baby bonding with other people, but that babies pretty much uniformly love and feel close to their moms, and how healthy it is that he's formed other attachments too. that you love and support her and will help her as much (or as little) as she wants and your schedule allows.
she sounds very young and insecure.
khairete
S.

She's jealous of any attachments her child makes that are not with her.
She sounds like a young Mom and doesn't realize what a good thing it is for a child to feel secure with a care giver.
This will really bite her in the behind when separation anxiety sets in.
This is about her insecurity in her role as mother - and she's the one who needs to get over it.
It's better for you to step back and let her get another sitter.
She'll be treating them the same way - and they will probably eventually quit.

Most kids go through phases of preferring one caregiver to another. Nothing unusual there. The problem is that your daughter is insecure in her relationship with her child, or feels guilty about working, or is jealous that you are observing more special moments than she is, or all 3. She may feel that you need to be a complete imitator of her own behavior and demeanor, and she can't handle it when you do things your way. She is insecure in her mothering, and she is determined to be the decision maker, from what he eats to things like "he doesn't like that."

Sometimes distance is the best thing - then you can go back to being "Grandma" instead of "caregiver", and she will have her "rightful" place as the primary decision maker. My guess is that she will not like it much better when someone else provides care in her absence, but at least she won't be competing with whatever unresolved issues she has from her own childhood and the parenting she received. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong as a parent - just that we adults all have different views of our upbringing when we ourselves become parents.

Back off, get another job where you are appreciated and where you also go home at the end of the day and don't have to still be "Caretaker" vs. "Caretaker by Day, Grandma all the rest of the Time". If she doesn't like her new hire, she can fire that person and maybe she will realize that she had it pretty good with you. But if not, at least she will feel "superior" to a hired babysitter and like she is in control. Sometimes family just shouldn't work for family.

Get another job and let HER find out how things work in the REAL world when your mom doesn't bail you out of LIFE. She treats someone else this way, and they'll tell her to go jump in a lake.

If she comes back to you and asks for you to watch her child again, be ready to say "Not unless you're going to treat me better than you did last time."

yes. she wants to be home with her baby.. doesn't want to leave baby with anyone not even her own mom.. it is not you.. it is guilt about leaving baby..

What was your relationship like prior to you babysitting? Did she respect you and not cross boundaries?

It's an unfortunate situation. I think it's great when grandmas look after their grandkids, when it works. It worked for me (mind you it was my last child and I was a secure mom) and my mother watched my sister and brother's kids. But we all respected one another to begin with and weren't still child-parent relationship - more adult to adult.

I think that makes a big difference. You don't mention your daughter's age but she doesn't sound very mature.

I think backing out of it at this point may be the way to go. It doesn't sound to be working. If you could sit down and have a mature discussion and express yourselves openly and honestly ... then maybe you can make it work. Otherwise, I think it will get worse.

I think it's wonderful you were willing to care for him, and hopefully your daughter will recognize one day how beneficial it was.

Good luck :)

Who knows? It sounds like your daughter is insecure about her relationship with her child, period. Does she feel bad that she is working while her child is home? Sometimes caregivers can get the brunt of that stress, esp when the boundaries are fuzzy and there is a lack of professional relationship (as when a person pays a nanny or child care provider).

I think Marda P did an excellent job of explaining some of the nuances of the situation. Hopefully, just getting to be grandma will be more pleasant for you and your daughter.

You were in a very difficult situation. It's hard to be the nanny and grandma. Occasional babysitting is one thing, but doing it all the time leads to problems. It sounds like your daughter is having trouble with something and taking it out on you. Marital trouble? PPD? Work trouble? Guilt over not being home all the time?

I think it is very healthy for you to find other employment. Then, you can just be mom & grandma!

First grandchild means first child. It is HARD to go back to work and leave your baby. It is hard to see your baby reaching for someone else. While it would have been preferable if you could have talked about different childcare vs snapping at her, I think for the overall extended family's sake she needs to hire outside caregivers for day to day childcare so you can be just grandma. Hiring relatives is always kind of iffy.

Have you talked to her at about how she's feeling about being back to work? Maybe she was just upset that you got to see her baby every day and she didn't. When I worked FT at a job I didn't like, and had my DD in daycare, it was heartbreaking to me. I don't think it's you specifically. I think it's that he needs childcare at all.

I think that you need a heart to heart with her so that everyone can move forward.

My mom babysat my oldest daily until she was 3.5. It was VERY hard for me to see my baby girl go to my mom instead of me, and cry when I came to pick her up at night. But did I ever snap at my mom? No! She was doing us a huge service for free. She took great, loving care of our baby and I am still forever in her debt despite how hard it was on me. To this day (my dd is 13 yrs old) she is extremely close with her Nana, and sometimes calls her when she's upset instead of talking to me.

She's jealous. She has to go to work and the baby has bonded with you and she is missing that.

My daughter would reach out and cry to go to other people, complete strangers even, and would never do that for me. She didn't really seem to ever just want me instead of someone else.

It's really painful when your child prefers other over you.

Another thing is that she is off going to work and you're staying "home" with the baby. Perhaps she would rather stay home and they just can't afford it.

It really does sound like she's just angry and jealous.

I think you might have made a great decision. The toddler will miss you dreadfully and no telling what sort of person she'll find and hire. Hopefully she'll take him to a child care center and he will blend in and she won't be seeing him preferring others over her.

She probably wishes she could be the one who stays home and takes care of her baby, but has to work outside the home... I imagine it's hard to feel like you are "second best" to your own child. I am struggling with this, as it will have to return to work after the birth of my second child after staying home with my first.

She isn't right to be taking her frustration out on you, but I can understand why she is resentful... I doubt she's resentful of YOU, but of the situation. There is also a chance she could be suffering from postpartum depression... Maybe talk to her husband and see if he has noticed her behavior being symptomatic of this. (You can easily google symptoms... It's not always about being sad or angry at the baby...)

I wonder if, in the time you are still caring for him, you could do whatever you can to help her feel more involved? Maybe let him fingerpaint a picture "for" Mommy. Maybe you could try "pushing" Mommy moments when you are around. My husband went through a period whenever dd was around 2 and VERY CLEARLY preferred me over him... He felt very hurt that she didn't want anything to do with him, and hated that his schedule kept him from her so much. (He worked nights, so only got to see her for an hour or two when he was getting ready for work and on weekends... The rest of the time one of them was sleeping.) He definitely resented the time I got to spend with her, but tried hard not to show it; so I made sure that he was the one who gave her treats, encouraged her when playing with him, getting excited when Daddy came home/encouraging enthusiastic bye-bye loves. Our DD started seeing him as being more fun... And while she still tends to prefer me over him, she does obviously love and enjoy him. This really helped my husband come