Grandparent issues...From the GRANDPARENTS Perspective

The best way for our kids to learn to be good parents is to let them be the parent. When my kids are here with the grandkids I don't but in unless they are out of the room and don't see something. Just remember you taught your daughter by example of being a good Mom. My oldest daughter got divorced while my granddaughter was under 1 year old. I always took care of her when they worked and stayed in hospital with her (she has asthma) so my daughter could go to work. I am very close to her (daughter and granddaughter) and feel like I was her other parent (she is now almost 13) if my daughter asks for advise I give it and sometimes when she doesn't ask I worry too but in the end she always does what is best for my granddaughter. I also have a grandson I keep him a few days a week while Mom and Dad work I miss him a lot when he isn't here and when we have a get together I become grandma not his caregiver or parent. It is hard to back away but I always tell myself one day I won't be here and they will have to be the parents so they might as well do it and learn now. I always appreciated the help my in laws gave to my kids and myself. Good Luck I am sure it will be hard when she moves out but you will be able to focus on being grandma it is really very fun.

Grandparents should be involved but should not co-parent. Regardless of where the grandchild and his/her parents live, the grandparents should assume the grandparent role. Yes, living in the same home will tend to cause you to be closer and heartbroke when they leave but you should never try to co-parent your grandchild. It is confusing for the child, and frustrating for both the parent and grandparent.

You need to start taking a step back. Continue to give him all the love in the world. Help your daughter when/where you can (if she asks) but stop trying to co-parent. She is an adult and has to make her own choices. You should probably have calm talke with her and say something like "Suzie, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. As your mother, I have to voice my concerns. I am not telling you what to do but I must tell you that I am concerned that you and Bobby may be getting too close very quickly and little Johnny is also getting very attached. While I believe Bobby to be a wonderful man, imagine how devasted you will both be if you and Bobby don't work out. Please be careful, especially for Johnny's sake".

As for you wanting another child, have you considered foster care or adoption? It would allow you to "have another child" while not necessarily having to care for an infant. Foster care would also not lock you into a life-time role.

You gotta force yourself to squash your maternal instincts and trade them in for grandmother instincts. We lived with my grandmother for the first 5 years of my life, she loved me like a daughter. I know it was hard for her when my mom finally moved us out ... It was hard for me too! Since your daughter still lives under your roof for the time being, begin to practice a little more detachment so when the day comes that your own daughter becomes independent of you it wont be as emotionally difficult. Stop being the mom and step back. Even if you cant force yourself to do it now it's going to happen eventually and life will go on.... the fact that you are already anticipating it means you know that you need to get emotionally ready for it, and that's a good start. Hopefully they will live close by but if they dont you have to trust that you raised a daughter that will be a good mother. You werent a perfect mom when you had your child, you know it takes years of practice, let her have those years. You will only cripple your daughter if you dont allow her full reign of her own motherhood experience.
You gotta find some other things to do to occupy yourself, we cant live our kids lives.

I feel your feelings are justified, not irrational!

I value my mom's opinions so much. We talk just about every day. I just posted yesterday that I just found out she had a mini stroke. I was so freaked out about it. I just lost my dad last year and the thought of something happening to my mom just really really got to me. I still have so much to learn from her.

I do understand what you are feeling, even though I am not a grandparent. My situation was with my brother several years ago. Long story short, his wife left him and my nephew who was 1 year old. Kind of a middle of the night, nobody knew where she was (no she was not kidnapped, they found her and she decided she did not want to be a wife or mom anymore even tot his day). He was so devastated and he was living in another state with out family to help. After convincing him to move to yet another state to live with me and my soon to be husband (now husband), my husband and I became "insta-parents" in order to help my brother out - doctors appointments, sicknesses, buying clothing and everything a child needs, etc. My nephew even tried to call me mama and we kept saying Aunt Pammy. He ended up calling me Aunt Mimi. Well they lived with us for three years. When my brother began a relationship and moved out, I was crushed. I missed them so very much. Of course there were ups and downs, but you know what? To this day my nephew is like a son to me and I am like his "other mother". He is now almost 17! We have a VERY special bond. He still calls me Aunt Mimi, and I love it. My brother and I are still very close. He is a successful business man and has done an amazing job at raising his son. You too will continue to have a special bond with your grandson. Even though he is young, you have been there since the beginning of his life. The bond is there and I bet will not be broken!

I wish you all the best!

One day he WILL leave, whether w/his mother or on his own. In the meantime, leave your legacy w/him by lettinghim know you love him, who you are, what you love and why you believe in the things you believe in. When he leaves, he will always have a piece of you to take w/him whether its in his love, manners, beliefs, attitudes, behaviors...anything that shows he was and will always be a part of your life.

Bless you for battling these emotions! It's really too hard for me to put myself in your shoes, since I'm 40 and my youngest is 2 and oldest is 5! Of course it's easy to say, "You're the grandmother, not the mother, you have to let your daughter be with who she wants and trust she'll take care of her child" but I can't imagine how hard it would be. Just wanted to say your post made me smile since you seem to know how you "should" be handling it and are having trouble and being honest. And yeah, I'm not surprised your hubby feels how he does-my husband is DONE at 42! But I can see how you'd still want little one at age 44, since I'm almost there:) Blessings and I hope you get some encouragement here!

Aww. I am sorry you're feeling this way but where ever your grandson is you will love him and learn to be that type of grandma. My mom is half way across the country from me and she never gets to hold or snuggle her grandbabies but we have pictures and face time on the iPod. I call her almost every day and have a blog where I write all kinds of things and post hundreds of pictures. I wish my mom could be a "real" part of my kids lives but right now, this is what grandma is to my kids. My son is just 2 and I'm starting to teach him about writing real letters to grandma and drawing pictures and mailing them.
If your grandson does move away your daughter will have to learn to put the effort in to keep you connected with him but it can happen.
Hug him and love him and snuggle him (and spoil him) all you want and can now. You'll cherish these days you have with him!
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As a new grandmother of a 1 yr old I can understand your feelings. However, I never wanted to co-parent. I feel that it is part of my job to foster and protect my daughter's relationship with her child before forging my own relationship with the baby. That being said, my granddaughter will never ever doubt that I will always be there for her. You can be very very close with your grandson but in his own interest you should continue to parent your daughter to encourage her to be the best parent she can be. Won't it be lovely when your visits with your grandson are full of special times you orchestrate with him rather than the daily parenting type interactions of "brush your teeth" etc. etc.

Hang in there Gma.

Yes your grandson will always have a special place in your heart and home. Yes when the time comes for them to move on, he will move with her, but at the same time, there are always sleepovers and summer vacations.

I just want to thank you for caring about them both so much. My mama is great but lives so far away and we both really miss the influence that she would be in my children's lives. You will be ok :) Loving is always a risk of pain, but worth it! You just have to be there for them, pray for them and love them. I wish you all the best and your daughter is so lucky you are there for her!

How wonderful that you have such a nice relationship with your Grandson!

I know it's hard to let him go. But that's the only way you'll ever see him fly.

There's nothing wrong with being concerned about his well being, but worrying isn't healthy. It does no one any good.

You can't control your daughter, who she dates, or how she mothers. The best you can do is to be a super Grandma and supportive mother.

My MIL is a wonderful person. I know that her health problems keep her from watching my kids. However, the thing that irritates me is that she is willing to spend her whole summer watching her other granddaughter. Other than that, she does the same for all of the kids. I grew up in a similar situation. I think that as a grandparent, you will be closer to the grandchildren you are around more. You don't love them more, just differently. You know them better. My grandparents were closer with my cousins because my cousins parents dropped them off all the time. My mom didn't do that. So my grandparents would bypass our house to go to theirs 30 mins away. My MIL is closer with the 2nd grandchild because she took care of her for the first 2yrs of her life and still watches her on all holidays and summer breaks. But of the flip side, I have the only boy so my SIL will go out of her way to do special things for him. My sister had my niece young so my mom and I co-parented with her. I watched her at night while they worked and took her to school in the morning and picked her up and did field trips and volunteered when my sister couldn't. now she is 17 and very artsy and weird (LOL). i have another niece and nephew from my brother that i love and would do anything for, but i'm not as close to them because i've never lived with them. my mom is closer with my oldest niece and my youngest. she lived with the oldest and took care of the youngest for a few years for about 13hours a day. I look at it as, it's life. that's how things work. it doesn't mean you love them more. it's just a different relationship. it will take adjustment when they move out. but you WILL adjust. And things will be fine. Good luck!

Your feelings make complete sense you know. You wanted to do what is best for your grandchild which means loving him like you would your own child. No one would like to have to give up their child one day, ya know? Still he is not going to be completely removed from your life! I am sure you will always be his first choice when he needs someone other than his mom.

So far as having another child.....wait for the grandkids! I don't want my kids to have children yet, mostly because they aren't married, but still I cannot wait for grandkids cause I hope it will get rid of this aww I want another feeling. I figure if I had a kid I would be sixty something when they finally get out of the house....too long to wait. :)

I don't get the grandparent bashing either. I mean some probably are awful but if you are posting here chances are they are not that awful cause you want everyone to tell you that you are right and they are awful to let you off the hook.

I am a hands on grandmother too. My grandchildren are older. I've travelled with the older one to many different US cities since he was four. We have gone to Europe twice alone for more than a month at a time.
I hope to go get the chance to do the same for my younger grandchild who is in a much more tightly reigned in situation vis a vis custody.
It's hard not to say much so find some diplomatic words when you need to say something critical and make sure your daughter knows you find her to be a very good mother.