Choosing Grandmom over Mom

There maybe some alternatives for you; about working out of the household. These are just a start but I really hope some of these suggestions help you.

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J. Fulton

Totally normal! Besides, would you rather he cry & carry on & not like his grandma? Just take it for what it is, this gives you time to do the things you need to do.

My 2 1/2 year old daughter does the same thing, except instead of crying, she tells me, "You go away, I'm playing with Grandma." Her Grandma doesn't live with us, but she lives very close by and she sees her all the time. It is hard to deal with sometimes, but you just have to know that no one can ever replace Mommy. A good friend gave me some good advice once. She told me to think about the time that my daughter and her grandma spend together as a gift from me, a special relationship that is developing and will always mean a lot to my daughter. That helped me process it and make it "work" in my head.

I am not a psychologist, but I am a Mom. What you are describing is so normal. It is possible that he is so completely secure with his relationship with YOU that he doesn't need to express it. You have always been there and he expects you always will be. Grandma is still not so tried and true. JUST KEEP LOVING HIM and remember his age. His reasoning is not at your level at this time.

From a mom whose son (now 5) has explicitly and consistently said he loves dad more. Dad is loveable after all! I keep telling him (as maturely as I can be) that I understand that and I love him the same regardless.

Relax. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly What you are feeling is not unusual. Your first child and you want all the attention and you're pregnant, double whammy. My mother-in-law who does not live with us but practically spends all her time at my house is adored by our children (we have three). My son just spent the other evening crying because he wanted his grandma - I mean sobbing really hard - he's four. Guess what - I know he loves me and I love the fact that he loves his grandma and even more that I know in the end I"m his mother and that's all that counts. No matter what no one and nothing will ever change that. I love the bond he and his grandmother share but understand this he will never love her as you will find with your second child they way he loves you. You will find that your love for your children is different but you will love them with all your heart. Same goes for him when it comes to you and grandma. So relax and stop feeling insecure because remember no matter what you are MOMMY!

Here's my thought: Your're 7 months pregnant so everything is going to bum you out a little more than it normally would. Also, you're the mom - not the grandma -- so you're the one who disciplines while grandma gets to do all the loving and fun stuff. And my third thought is that your son is probably aware of a difference in you, i.e., your growing belly. I'm sure you're talking to him about the new addition to his family which he can probably understand a little that it means he's not gonna be the only one anymore. All of that can effect how he's acting toward you. Hang in there -- it won't always be like that and when the new baby comes, you'll probably welcome him running to grandma b/c you'll have the new one to attend to. My only recommendation is that you can maybe make some special time for your son with just you and him and do some special things so he feels connected with you again. Don't be sad, I'm sure its just a phase.

Hi P.- a few things for you. First, like Karen said, children that young are not and cannot be manipulative. they do, however, pick up on underlying emotions and tensions. If his behavior is making you tense, he's naturally going to want to be with someone who doesn't project those emotions (ie, grandma). You have to remember this just isn't about you at this point- he is not choosing to display his love to you any less than he is choosing to display his love to grandma. kids have different relationships with different people. my daughter (12 mos) gives everyone kisses but me. Hugs everyone but me. I'm home with her all day, and when it starts to bug me I have to remind myself of the secret little smiles she gives me, and the fact that when she's upset no one else can console her but me. Those little things mean more than constant kisses. Children do understand who is important in their life, but their display of that affection is does not always correlate with their feelings, for a myriad of reasons. Please do not blame your child or your mother- they are not conspiring against you, and the longer you allow yourself to feel so upset about it, the worse you will feel. I also think a lot of this has to do with your pregnancy. Maybe your son can sense something wierd is going on with mommy and her tummy, and he doesn't know what to make of it. Try and look at all the angles before coming to the painful (and most likely incorrect) conclusion you are currently at.
:) best of luck!

Not to worry. It too shall pass. It is not out of the ordinary for it to seem that gramdma has "stolen" your child's heart. As he grows to understand more, he will understand what an awesome gift you are. He very well could sense there's another person (the new bundle of joy)taking his mom's attention. When the new bundle of joy arrives, he may become this clingy little boy who "wants his mommy back"! I am 57 years old mother of 4 and grandmother of 15! Boy do I have some stories to share--one of which is just like your concern here.

If it was me, I would privately and calmly ask my mother to help me form a tighter bond with my child by getting her to back off from her daily interactions with him for a while so I could be more involved with my son during the time I was not at work. The more you can play with your son, feed him,tickle him, give him a bath, etc, without his grandmother around, the more he will connect with you. I know it's hard when you work fulltime (and are about to have another child) to find the energy to play with a 19 month old (I've been there) so choose things to do with him that are easy on you, like sitting together (while you put your feet up) and reading him a book or playing with toys. Let his SAHD do all the heavy stuff and also all the disciplining, so you can focus on all the fun stuff and the cuddling (with your mother not in the room). If your mom doesn't like this, explain that you are asking her, mother to mother, to help you out with this for a while, not forever. He can learn to love both of you, and for you to be his Number One.

If he cries for her while you are trying to bond with him, try to comfort him and then distract him with something fun. To manage your own emotions, remember he (like all of us) has enough love in his heart to love many people. There's no need for him to love her less; you just want to work toward him loving you more. Hope that helps. Good luck, Sweetie.

I so feel your pain, except in my case it's my caregiver who gets all the attention! My daughter just turned 14 months and cries inconsolably when her nanny walks into another room, or leaves, and barely notices when I drag myself home at the end of a long workday. We have wonderful evenings together once her nanny leaves, but I hate feeling like so much lint in my daughter's navel when she's around. So what keeps me going? I try to find things to do on my own with her that are just ours, even if it's just the bath, a post-bath massage, a little salsa dancing, or reading a funny book. I tell myself that I'm lucky to have someone who loves my daughter and whom my daughter loves, so that I don't have to worry when I leave the house each day. I tell myself that it won't last, and someday she'll know I'm the mommy (she doesn't call me Mama consistently -- and sometimes calls her giraffe "Mama" -- so that's no fun , either). I try not to be mad at my nanny when she comes by while we're playing, and suddenly I'm reduced to lint again, but I admit I don't always succeed.

Are the kids mad at us for leaving them all day long? Probably. Do they still need us regardless of the strong signs that we're "lint"? DEFINITELY! So I try every day to NOT wince when she turns away or show any negative reaction that she'll see, to love my daughter no matter how much this behavior hurts, and to pray that it will get better over time. So I don't really have any advice for you...just loads of empathy!

P.,

You are not alone in this situation. I completely understand how you are feeling. My mother watches my 10 month old daughter while I work during the week and my daughter has grown VERY attached to her. She will cry (at times) if I take her out of my mother's arms and I agree, it is heartbreaking. She fell the other day and instead of wanting me to comfort her, she wanted my mother. As a first time mother it really is a difficult concept to understand but I think this is normal.

What I've done is tried to put myself in my daughter's shoes. I know that I need to be more understanding of her feelings. She relies on my mother for love and care while I'm away and they've developed a special bond. You (and I both) need to remember that you are the mother and no one can take your place. I wish I could give you more advice. I just want you to know that you are not alone and I think this is normal for our children.

Good luck to you.
S.

My hubby is convinced that our son likes me better as well. I tell him he just needs to interact w/ him jore and playfully. Like in the mornings he hates it when dad comes in. I think its because he just goes in and expects our son to jump up and get out of teh crib, whereas I go in and I start by playing peek a boo before i go all the way in. I am guessing you are also the disciplinarian as grandma is just palyful grandma. Our son loves his grandparents so much as we kinda feel what you feel. We ask him if he wants to go to grandmas and he starts running around saying shooes, so he can get and go. He also hates to leave. I think its just something they know. Just play and interact w/ him and your mom so he can see that everyone is equal.

my guess is that this is primarily because you are pregnant. also, like others have said, you have always been there while g-mom is still somewhat new. maybe if you ignore him some and not try to get his attention, he'll wonder what is up and come for you! Kids do NOT like it when folks try too hard. There is a teen at our church who tries to force my 26 month old to hug her sometimes and he gets mad and hits her! I told her to ignore him, and next thing you know he was going over to her! you could even try reverse psychology! "don't hug mommy...no no! you can't get me!" make it like you are running from him...its a great game! My kids love it!

I can understand how you feel. But don't believe that your baby doesn't love you. There could be several reasons that your child is responding like this. Does your child spend more "awake" hours with your mom than with you? Does your mom let your child do things that you normally do not allow the child to do? Do you cuddle your son as much as grandmom does?
How much time does Dad spend with the child? Maybe you should plan some activities just for you and the child.
Do you talk a lot about the new baby around this child? If so, maybe your son is feeling a little "left out" of your life at the moment.

I am so sorry to hear that he is choosing grandma over mom. Maybe it's not such a good idea that grandma is living with mom. Children tend to favor grandparents more when they are around because for one they don't get in as much trouble with them and also gparents give them alot of attention that the parents don't. When my husband's mom is around my soon to be 5 yr old son wants only gma. In her eyes he does nothing wrong and he totally loves the attention. I also have a 2 year old daughter but she isn't very fond of gma. She is very close to me which I am thankful for. MY son also is very close to me but like I said when gma is around then its a different story. Things will change for you when gma moves out. That is what I think. It's also hard for you and for him b/c you work full time as I work part time in the evenings so I am with my two all day most of the week and then the evening a couple of days I week I work. My suggest is the sooner mom moves out the be sooner things should get better for you. Try to give him as much love as you can when you are with him. Ask mom to step back and let you be mom. See if she will go in another room or maybe take a walk or go visit a friend, anything to help you make a better relationship with your son. I will tell you one thing when you have your second child you are definately going to be spending more time with the new baby and son is going to get jealous. He may feel left out so do everything in your power to make him feel needed and wanted. Let him help you take care of baby, with diapers,getting bottles,whatever it takes. I am still going through the jealousy part with my son and daughter. I hope I have help some and I do hope things get better with your son. I do understand how it can be with gma's. The good thing it is your mom and not hubby's mom because you can or should be able to talk to your mom and hope that she helps you with the situation.
Good Luck and God Bless
S.H.

Not to worry, children often do this. I have a now 4 year old child who use to turn on me all the time. He would cry as though I abused him when it was time to go home. I actually just started saying sweetie you can cry all you want to but we are going home. However, I also started spending a lot of one on one time with him. Each week we had mommy and son day and that helped out alot. Do not let it upset you because a lot of children do it.

Hi P.,

I'm sort of in the same boat. I have a 23 month old and a 7 week old baby. I work full time from my home office, and my son is with his nanny. He chooses her over me or chooses his father whom he adores more than anyone else. I do sometimes feel hurt, especially when he cries for his nanny, but I do believe he is going through a phase, because of the new baby. At least your mom is a blood relative, and she loves your son, I would have loved to have relatives around me rather than share the love of my son with a hired nanny.
Good luck, and hang in there. He is going to get even more attached to your mom, after the baby comes, so you'll have to get used to it. I'm sure they'll outgrow this phase, so don't despair.
A.

Who spends the most time w him? Can you carve out more time when you come home from work to be with him? He's too young to be playing games w/ anyone, am sure just forming attachment to caregivers. Also, when my daughter was young (not as much w/ child #2) but clearly seemed to need one parent for some things and another for others (like daddy to fall asleep and mommy for injuries). I'm sure hard being preganant and working FT but I would do my best to devote as much time as you can to one on one w/ child, esp b4 new baby comes.

Dearest P. ~

The fact that you say your 19 mo. old boy is "breaking your heart" is a telling statement. I guess one can attribute your pregnancy to some hormonal sensitivity, but a child that age would never do such a thing intentionally. You need to put that thought out of your mind, as it could be contributing to some of your own behavior towards your child.
You say your husband stays home with your child. He is obviously responsible for care and dicipline during the day. What happens when you and your mother get home? Does the role of "primary parent" then revert to you? Of course by this time, your son is ready for just some fun and play time, with no constaints. This is usually the role of grandparent (when they come to visit), and kids love this relationship. If you are seen as the one who keeps him from this, he is naturally going to want to be with Grandma. You might be coming home and immediately putting the breaks on his fun time. If you and your mother are at odds about what the boy should be doing, discipline, etc..., your son will pick up on this. He may see you as the "unfun" person. You need to have a conversation with your mother about what is expected in your home. If she is not respecting the way you feel your child should be raised and/or disciplined, she should be made to understand that it is YOUR home and the rules need to be followed. Set aside time that you can spend with your son alone and time for her to spend with him alone. But during the day to day interaction, your rules need to be followed by everyone, including your mother. It's not like she comes to visit once a month (like most grandparent relationships). So, she needs to make sure she is not "spoiling" him on a daily basis. Does your son react the same way with your husband when your mother is around? My guess would be that he does, but your husband finds it a "release" for him, since he's been home with the boy all day and needs a break. The three adults need to sit down and establish some solid ground rules for the home and define your roles more clearly. Your son should never be allowed to disrespect you or your husband - you are the parents. More communication is the key. I wish you the very best.

~ K.

Hi. I'm in a similar boat with my MIL living with us. My son is 7, daughter 2. He wants to be with grandmom ALL the time, and it hurts me, too. But, I realized it really became intense when his sister came on the scene. So, it's his escape, I figure. Perhaps your son is clinging to your mom because of apprehension about a new sibling? So try to embrace it (though difficult)-- you'll need the help soon with a newborn in the house. And try to remember that a child-grandparent relationship is special but often short or fleeting either because of failing health or the child grows and looses interest. Good luck; it's soooo hard!

I can imagine how that would feel crushing! Us as mothers want to see the same love we have for our children returned, it's normal. Our children really do love us, but they also go through phases where they will "adore" one parent more (or in your case, the grandma over you). Both of my daughters have gone through the same thing...choosing Daddy over me, at some point. I believe they love us both, but I think they are just learning how to show their love for ALL at the same time! Don't feel too horribly, just around the corner, your son may be crying his eyes out for you...pushing grandma away...and he will still love her as well. Or maybe even crying over dad, and pushing you both away!
K.

Dear P., I had this problem with my oldest son. It wasn't that he loved my mother more. I think he was mad at me for leaving him and going to work. It will get worst before better. I was also pregnant with my second son at the time. He would not look at him for the first year. Will as time went by, I just did not let him know that it bothered me. He adventurally perfered me over everyone. I took extra time to do special things with him that I knew he loved. He is 12 almost 13 and we are very close to this day. Now we have our special time every other day running together. There's probably just a lot going on in his little thoughts about a new baby. First born children get very jealous. But, they soon learn to adjust. M. W ( Mother of 3 boys and 1 girl)

Hi P.,

You cannot be upset with your son that he wants to spend time with Grandmom and you cannot be mad with Grandmom that he wants to spend time her. My mother gets so obnoxiously jealous when my kids pick MY grandmother over her. It is absolutely normal for kids to have favorites at different times. My 5 year old wanted nothing to do with my husband till he was almost 4. My 2 year old wanted only me when he was an infant and up until recently has wanted only my husband.

I am absolutely blessed that I get to stay home with my children and I have nothing against Moms that have to, or choose to, work. Is it possible you may have supressed guilt over having to work?

Reading your message gave me some clarity on my own situation. I am/was in the same boat, until I had to open my eyes and understand that my daughter was tired of me, at times. Just as I was of her. It's life. She only wanted to enjoy other people in our lives who truly cared and loved her. I wouldn't take it personally. I really wouldnt.

P.
I was going to write you here but I chose a private message.

My guess is that when you and Grandma are both home, you act like a mom and she acts like a grandma, which in little kid world means more fun and less rules. My mom would live with us for a month, then go home and then back for a month and my son would favor her all the time. I actually sat her down and was like if you're going to be here this much, you have to make him follow the rules just like if you were a parent because it's not fair for him to have rules sometimes and not others. It's hard though because they don't want to be parents anymore, they want to be grandparents. If this is an issue you can deal with it, otherwise, it really is just a phase and as soon as grandma upsets him for whatever reason, he'll only want you or dad. My guess is that if you were the stay at home parent you probably wouldn't notice, not that that helps, but just so you see it's not that he doesn't love you. You may want to try special mom and me time on the weekends, go for a walk just you too or read or play a game and make sure grandma and dad know not to disturb, it may help after a couple times he may even get excited for it!!

Hi P.,
This is very typical behavior for his age. My 21m old daughter is going through it right now. We live across the street from Grandparents and when she sees them, I become the sloppy seconds so to speak. She is also now preferring my hubby over me, which does hurt. I just try to keep my composure and feelings in check. I know that when she wakes up at 3am, I'm the one she'll be calling for. I do still have a place in her daily doings, even if its not the top of the ladder.
Please try to see this as an okay situation. In a few months, when the baby is needing a lot of your time, you'll want your daughter to be comfortable around both your hubby and Grandma so that you don't have to be 'on' all the time.
Good luck and best wishes.
M.