I Feel like a Bad Mom - Miami Beach,FL

My heart goes out to you.Is there a possibility that you can work from home too?

If you are interested in the options that I have please let me know. Let's talk.

A.
###-###-####

Just chiming in.... please do not take his "barely wants to be with me" personally. Very hard, I know. But most husbands will tell you that they experience the same thing. It is the logical result of the fact that your husband spends all day with him and so he is far more "in tune" and "comfortable" with your husband, only in a more traditional setting it is the Dad who goes through it, and maybe is more accepting of it. Some parents even experience this with children who cry about leaving daycare. It is a natural thing for the child to cling to or desire attention from the one they spend the most time with.

It may make you feel guilty, but it is not for any other reason than that simple fact. He will outgrow the not wanting you to do things with/for him stage. Just as all kids do with their dads when Dad is the one who is off at work all day.

Take comfort in that it is a natural thing for your child. Not a personal issue he has with you, per se.

As far as any other guilt you might be feeling... I agree with the poster who basically said that as moms we will ALWAYS have guilt about just about everything. (I like to think that is how we KNOW we are good parents.. if we had no guilt we probably don't care too much being the logic). We never are able to do everything that we want to for/with our children. We only have "x" number of hours in a day and "x" number of dollars in the bank. And even things that aren't time/money oriented... often there is a choice to do THIS... OR... to do THAT. You might want both for your child, but one excludes the other... so we end up feeling guilty. It is a part of parenthood.

Get used to that feeling!! We all wish we could be there more for our kids. I work all the time, too. When I come home, I have tons of logistics to do and they watch tv or chillax in front of their computers, etc. I constantly have to remind myself that I am a great mom, a great provider, and I am doing the best I can, given my situation. Be thankful that ur child has their dad at home to be with them. I am certain he loves him/her very much and is giving them lots of love and attention when he can. Your child is loved, has a roof over their head, clothes and I'm sure every thing they need. Take a breath and acknowledge yourself. You are a great mom.

Good luck!
S.

Don't get down yourself! I have a very similar scenario and can tell you from experience that the guilt can get to you if you let. kids run in phases where they favor one parent but then it reverses. it is totally natural and you will always be the one he needs even if he is preferring to play with dad at the moment. THIS HAS NO RELFECTION ON YOU AS A MOM!!!

There are things that you can do to help but I will say you will need hubby's help on this so I hope that you can get him to understand that this is so important to you. this was something my husband and i really had to work on and make it happen and took a while to get it worked out so that everyone was happy.

Here are some things that worked for us:

1) When I am home I am the caregiver. Yes we have family time but I am the one that actually cares for her almost exclusively when i am home. At first this was a little overwelming but as my child got older it got surprizingly easier. Dishes, laundry, chores etc all come second and are shared. My hubby and I have had many grilled cheese dinners but its all in perspecitive to what is really important.

2) sounds silly but set the stage for Mommy's arrival/departure and make it special. I refer to this as the turnover meeting. when i walk in the door they have a Mommy's home cheer. We say "goodbye" to daddy and she closes to door to his home office (even if he is in there playing spider solitare!). This one thing has really helped her understand that now its Mommy time.

3) plan ahead. put together a few activities that only you will do with your son. We have special toys/activites only i do that makes them more meaningful.

4) every moment is a teaching moment if you pick a subject and stick to it. One thing at a time. Pick a skill and work on it a little every day to help him master it. It doesn't have to always be something major either. A lot of little things matter just as much. For example this week i taught her to string a bead. it took 4 days of about 10 minutes doing it but now she can do it and is very excited about showing off her new skill. The sense of accomplishment is good for both of us.

5) lunch dates...if there is anyway your hubby can take your son to meet you for lunch this is an AMAZING boost to your day. Brown bag it to a playground/park/beach and get in a good dose of your little one. I literally skip through my day when i have a "lunch date".

Blending these mom only, dad only, and family times are critical. what the right balance of these will be are up to you and your family. Communication with your spouse is key. you may be feeling like you need more time here and there so be creative and be flexible.

Good luck and hang in there!

Have a talk with your husband and tell him how you feel.
Have your husband talk about you when your gone ( for example - father talking to child - "Do you know where mommy is, she is working and she will be home soon. When mommy gets home she will give you hugs and kisses".
Call home on your break and talk to your husband and kids and let them know that you miss them.

Tell your husband that you need him to make a big deal about you when you walk through the door. For example - father talking to child - " mommy is here, mommy is here let's go give her lots of hugs and kisses".
You need to make a big deal about seeing all of your family members when you get home, not just the little one.

Because you feel bad when you are away says to all of us that you are a great mommy ~ your just busy.

God bless and good luck.

Don't feel badly~ you are actually a REALLY good mom! a 2-income family is VERY normal these days... I think it's great that your husband CAN stay home with your child...most men wouldn't. 2 of my 3 boys were in daycare from the time I was able to go back to work--6 weeks! At that time, I didn't have a choice.. I HAD to work.
You are doing a GREAT job.. keep it up!

M.

I am in the same position you are currently, working M. and have an 11 mo old son, hubby stays at home with him. I feel that guilt all the time. I also worked when I had my 4yr old son - it's even more heartbreaking for me that I am still nursing and at the moment I get ready to leave for work, that is when he needs me to nurse him to sleep and when I get home my older son crowds the attention. It's always a joggle and even though he eventually goes to sleep comfortably on my husband's chest, I still leave home with visions of him needing me. But if it's any comfort to you, my older son now is so clingy that I don't mind working - lol, and I feel a little bit better knowing my baby is with dad versus a daycare. Make the time when you go home to spend hugging and kissing him and playing games. The key is to make every moment with him count for something.

M., I am not sure how old you son is, but my daughter is 2 and I have been working full time also. Since she was born, we have coslept with her. There is so much debate about this topic, but regardless of what anyone says, I know how much it has helped my relationship with my daughter. There is also a lot of science out there about that proves that it is actually safer for children, despite what you might hear. She goes to sleep earlier than my husband and I in our bed, so I lay with her untils she is asleep and then my hubby and I have our alone time in the evening, but then we call sleep in the same bed. Since I am away from her all day, the night time is our chance to catch up on bonding. We snuggle and play with each others hair and have 8-10 hours of being close. Then we wake up together kissing cheeks, smiling at each other, snuggling some more, and now talking. It has been one of the best things I have ever done for both of us. Google cosleeping and see if it is something for you. Here is also some info on Dr. Sear site. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp

Listen to your instincts - they are very good. Work closely with your husband to see if there is an alternative for your family.

You are irreplaceable to your children, and you can never get the time back with them once it is gone.

Good luck, and God bless you. I will pray for you and your family.

I work full-time too while raising my 2& 5 year old girls. I found a great solution that works for me. Saturday is our "special day." I take my daughters to gymnastics class, sometimes Chucky Cheese, swimming, etc... We have so much fun, and we all look forward to our Saturdays. So, my advice to you is to pick up a hobby w/ only you and your son on your day off from work. Do something "fun" that he enjoys. There's tons of options...zoo, gymboree, playground, swim & gymnastics classes, Pump it up play center, other play centers such as Gator Freds, etc.. Then, make that a routine every week. Spend 3 hrs or so a week on a hobby for him and you. Then, he will start to look forward to your "special day" and you will feel a lot better after scheduling quality, fun time w/ your son. I know how you feel, since I work 50 hrs a week and am raising 2 kids. Try my advice and I know everything will be better! How old is your son now?

R..

You should not feel like you're a bad mommy. You are working to provide for your family. It's just natural for him to gravitate to your hubby since he's with him most of the time. It will go back and forth, you'll see. Just be thankful you have a job to go to and that your hubby can be with him and not in daycare. Take care.

Maybe you can start a mommy day - on one of your days off it will be something special that just you and your son do. Also, make certain activities (stories before bed, special tv show or game) for you 2 only.
I feel for you - that is a very tough position to be in.
Is there anyway that you can change your set up - you work less out of home - maybe hubby works more out of the home?
The time you have with kids being at home and little is so quick and precious.

I haven't had a chance to read the other posts yet, but my advice is to do 2 things...
1)Have a weekly date with your son. Pick one night a week (or an hour on a weekend day) and take him out of the house to do something with just the 2 of you (like go to McDonalds or the library to read books together or whatever) OR have your husband leave the house for an hour (which he would probably LOVE since he works from home) while you and your son spend time with his toys and some books and puzzles (you didn't say how old he is). Just make sure you SCHEDULE that weekly date and stick to it. Do not answer your cell during that time or do anything else but focus on him

2)Pick a nightly routine that you do with him, like bath time. He may resist at first and your husband may need to walk out of the house and let you and your son work it out, no matter how much he protests that he wants daddy instead. Make this time special and create special routines that you do with him. He may eventually get to a point when he ASKS for you during that special time rather than fuss for daddy because you have established that routine with him. It can be just 15-20 minutes of your time each day and make sure you focus just on him

Ahhh...there are few things in life that can make you feel like a horrible person and doing something to make you feel like a bad mom ranks in my top 2 (the other one being how to know when/if I am doing the right thing!).

Mom guilt is a VERY real thing and unfortunately, I have found that it never goes away. You always feel guilty about something.

Instead of feeling guilty, take a step back and think about it this way - your son gets to stay home with one of his parents, and his dad at that (which is rare!). What a great way for them to bond! You still have a job in this economy! You are teaching your son that there are not 'traditional' roles in a household and that daddy can stay home (and work) and mommy can work outside of the home.

That being said, you probablyl still feel guilty, right? Is there any way you can alter your hours? Work more days (ie: 6 days instead of 5) and spread out your hours? can you work from home at all? Can you take a long lunch break each day to spend time with him?

Unfortunately in this economy and reality, most families have both parents working outside of the home and the kids spend more time with daycare providers and sitters per day than with their parents. I try to make all the time we have together as special as possible and not dwell on the fact that I don't see my son and daughter as much as I'd like to because the bottom line is I HAVE TO WORK!

Good luck and good for you for getting back into the work force (you are lucky to have been with him for 9 months!)

I am not sure what your husband does from home, but I believe that you could work from home too!
I work from home, however the work I do I do not enjoy so I have found a 25 year old health and wellness company that has totally changed our lives as far as health goes and a way to build my own business so that I can eventually stop working for other people and work for myself!
I love what I do and would be happy to share the information with you, but only if your interested. There is no sales, no stocking and no money collecting. The best part of all of this is it is your decision and works into any schedule.
If your interested contact me through my email at: ____@____.com
God bless you each and everyday! And I will be praying for you and your family for a wonderful future.

My husband felt that way to some extent when out oldest was about 1 year old. He started taking her out for a father-daughter day on Saturdays. They would go to McDonalds, the park, etc. It seemed to help.

When I worked I tried to make most of the time I had (but that is hard except on the weekends). I now stay home with him but I know not everyone has that option. It's hard. We have to stay on a tight budget but I do have less stress and enjoy the time with him. Your husband is awesome to watch him. If he's walking, spend a lot of outdoor time on the weekends and enjoy every minute.

You're never gonna feel like Super Mom no matter what the situation. I worked FT with 2 at home and felt like I wasn't there enough and now I stay home with 3, soon to be 4 and I feel like I'm around too much and need to have a job and be away from the kids for a little bit for my sanity and theirs!
You gotta do what you gotta do. If you can financially stay at home, do it. If not, don't. You still need to provide for your son.
I don't know where your family is financially, but before you just quit make sure you have a plan/budget. We started Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover in Sept. and are SO much more prepared financially! If you have an questions, ask. We have a family of 5 (soon to be 6) surviving comfortably on a military income!

Hi M.,
While you don't say how old your son is now... setting aside some Mommy time for just the two of you is important for both of you (just as it would be for any working Dad with a stay at home wife and mother). I betcha if you asked this question on another site that dealt with working dads and their ability to bond with their kids, they'd have better advice for you than moms...

Here's the thing, though... you are making a HUGE contribution to your family... what difference does it make if you're the mom and not the dad? The only issue really is your unhappiness about it... your son sounds very loved and very lucky to have a stay at home dad who works there. But you have to take care of yourself, realize you are not a bad mom, just one in a new kind of parenting arrangement (that hopefully, you and your husband negotiated and agreed upon when you began it). Doesn't mean you will not be jealous of his time with your child. But that doesn't mean that your parenting is ANY less valuable or ANY less meaningful. Ask any working dad!

Just make time to focus on your son when you get home (nothing else until he goes to bed) before you go back to housework, cooking or even concentrating on your husband... we all have a balancing act to juggle, no matter if you both work, neither works outside the home, or one is stay at home.

You are a GOOD mom! Remember that... you are providing for your family and making it possible for your son to have a stay at home dad... that's huge! Just be honest with your husband and have him help you reconnect with your son every day and evening and also, renegotiate with your husband if you are truly so unhappy that you don't want this to continue.

Good luck and god bless!
K.

I have not read any of the other replies but, I have worked since my daughter was 6 weeks old. What I would do when she was little was spend 1/2 an hour with her as soon as I got home. During that time I did nothing, but spend time with her playing. Dinner, phone calls, opening mail, all of that could wait until later.

Then I would also make the most of our weekends. We would go to the park, playdates, etc. She is now 5 and we have an awesome relationship. You are just having mom guilt, which we all have, for not being able to spend as much time as we would like. But remember you are doing what you need to for your family.

I can commiserate to an extent. I have always been a working mom (since my first was 8 weeks old, I have been back to work). It's hard. My husband has to carry the load of the responsibilities taking them back and forth to daycare as my new schedule is not flexible. I hate not being the one to pick them up and have their faces light-up like they used to.

Have you thought about reserving some special time with him in the evenings/weekends that is just for you and your son? Perhaps reading books, going to the library, going to the park. Something special just the two of you do together without Dad so he develops a different relationship with you?

It will become more difficult for your husband, too, as your son continues to develop. Naps will be shorter, and the need to interact will be greater during the day which may put a strain on his ability to work.

You're doing the best you can! You are not alone in your feelings, I hope that's comforting. I'd just recommend to make the most of the time you do have with him. I was diagnosed with cancer after the birth of our second (the day before our son's 2nd birthday). It changed my perspective on things. Even though I have to work, I try to be more present in the time I do have with them.

Honey you are not alone and you are not a bad mom! My son was the same, except we both work. When daddy gets home its all about daddy! He'll even cry on nights when my husband has to work late and won't go to sleep because "I didn't even get to wrestle with daddy!" And that's a lot of it - the fact that daddy does the physical play with him! I am the one that does "learning" activities with him. As you say your husband does those with your son, why don't you try doing "experiments" with him. My son loves to do those. Santa even brought him some beginning chemistry kits for 4 year olds. We call alot of silly things we do "experiments"; it doesn't have to be from a kit. We add food coloring to a lot of things and see how it changes colors, we make cookies and add colors to the batter & frosting to decorate; we make the fake snow together (you can add colors here too); we do a lot of nature walks and I am the one that teaches him about animals & plants. You'll figure out a thing that's special for you two and MAKE IT JUST FOR YOU TWO. Don't worry, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you - more than likely he is so secure with your love, that he knows if he pushes you away, you are always going to be there.

Please don't be so rough on yourself.Thank God that your hubby is home to take care of him instead of leaving him with a perfect stranger. I was in your shoes once, His behavior will change soon. It's just a stage.