Crying 17 Month Old

A.,

Your child's crying is a communication to you, for an unmet need he has. It is not something to be controlled, but it is something to be listened to. This reminds me of something I wrote recently for another mother. I thought I would share it with you:

We all know that our children are not reflections of us, but every once in a while we get tricked into that lie again! It sneaks in, and we spring into RE-action, rather than mindful response. That way of "reflective" thinking is a trap that often leads us to seek approval from the random parents around us. It can throw us into a tizzy of self-judgment: Oh my gosh my child is screaming (at me)! What is that father/store clerk/woman thinking about us/me?! Instead of, "Oh my gosh my child is screaming... what does my child need that I can give him?" The irony is that those parents who we are trying to please in that hot moment of crisis don't actually matter to us as much as our children do, nor are they even in line with our own core values!

That self-judgment is probably the most difficult thing to overcome in being parent. It seems we are never enough: we never do enough for our children, we don't do it well enough, we don't love them enough, we aren't patient enough with them, we aren't energetic enough for them, we aren't sweet enough for them. The JUDGE inside us tells us in so many ways how we simply aren't enough for our children.

Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, "We must be the person who we want our child to become." So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being "less than perfect," then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than "perfect." (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)

You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; "mother (father) knows best." Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now -- not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!

Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?

Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones'es!

Lots of Love,
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

It doesn't surprise me that your son tantrums more with you than with dad. You may be the softer person to let his emotions out on. In our household, it's my husband. He's much more of a softie than I am.

Anyway, how long has your son's crying been going on? Is there a chance that he may be coming down with a cold or flu? I have noticed that my children tend to be a lot more moody just before they get sick.

Do you think your child may be a lot more exhausted later on toward the end of the day after all the stimulation he received at pre-k? He may not be needing a nap but he may need some quiet down time during the late afternoon to recharge his batteries. Reading books and listening to music is good for that.

Is he experimenting with his emotions, do you think? I know for my children, once they learned about being mad, everything made them mad and it was the same with sad, happy, frustrated, etc. If so, this is good because you want your child to be in touch with his feelings. Help him label his feelings, tell him in simple terms how you sometimes feel sad, frustrated, etc. to when certain things happen and use this as an opportunity to teach him how to redirect his negative feelings into positive energy. Coloring or listening to music, for example, are good things to do when you are feeling blue.

Hope this helps.

So basically, the demeanor he has at home, has been going on 6 weeks? Since he started Daycare?

Really, check with his Daycare provider and see how he is there... all day. Are there any problems there? How do the Providers treat the kids? Are any of the older kids maybe not playing nicely with the young babies? Are there different ages in mixed age groups? Or are the different age-sets in different separate groups? Does he nap there? (an over-tired child will not be happy later at home... and they get fussier and needier and frustrated).
-are the kids just left on their own, or do the Providers interact with them and facilitate the children?

The thing is, he doesn't seem at ease or 'happy' after Daycare. Maybe it's just too long of a day for him? Maybe he needs just part-time schedule and a shorter day. Just a half day maybe.

Next, their communication level at this age is such that they tantrum if they are frustrated or not happy. So it's hard to pinpoint what he is feeling, since at this age they cannot articulate precisely. He could just miss you... and need more "quiet" time with you... because at Daycare it is busy and some kids get over-stimulated by this, in a negative way. Thus, when they come home...they NEED to unwind, deflate, and have a totally different environment. ie: one that is much more soothing and not "rushed." It's like when an Adult comes home after a long day of work... would you want to be rushed around or have a nice peaceful moment to unwind and "relax" first?

He probably tantrums more for you because you are his "Mommy" and as a baby, they are bonded with a Mommy more in deeper ways. Perhaps he is even a little frustrated for not seeing you all that time and then is perhaps acting out for it.

I have also heard, that for boys, it is better that they start Daycare or Preschool later. Because their attachment and bonding with their Moms are different... and they benefit by starting later and are simply not ready at an earlier age.

If it does not improve... I would reconsider starting him in daycare later. Or, find another provider.

If it were me, and Daycare was not a necessity... I would wait until later. If my child had an "exponential" increase in crying/neediness/frustration due to Daycare... I would hold off. And it has been 6 weeks of this as well.
Or, see what they Daycare Provider says about it? What are HER insights and solutions? Asking her this will give you an insight into HER thinking and will reflect the way she handles kids... and how her mentality is toward them.

All the best,
Susan

My almost two year old daughter gets extra sensitive and clingy after being away from me for any length of time. Mama time is very important for them to feel secure. They can adjust to being away, and it can be a healthy thing, but they need that close time with Mama too.

Kids do go through phases too, regardless of change. However, change takes, even for us adults, at least a couple of weeks to adjust too.

The only advice I can give is to continue to be sensitive to his needs. Be pro-active and know that he is going to need one on one time with you. Set that time aside soon after you pick him up. Try not to have too hectic of a schedule after he gets out of daycare. He probably needs some "down time" to "shift gears" just like the rest of us.

Best wishes!

A.,

Have you talked to the daycare provider? Is he playing, napping and behaving like a normal little baby? If not, then your answer is daycare is either not the right place for him. But, if he is then what he is displaying first has to do with the change, second you are the one who drops him off and third, he's developmentally changing/learning.

When my son was 13 months old, I had to go back to work and put him in daycare. Unfortunately, by the time he was in the toddler program and out of the great infant care, I found that the school was more about keeping the kids 'busy' than nuturing and encouraging learning. I took him out at 18 months, and my Mom retired to help me out and takes care of my son at home.

You have to think about how this change has effected your child, and if this is truly just a 'seperation' issue or if this is a bigger issue of not being the right daycare. Think about how you treat your time together. Is it rushed with making dinner? Do you have time with just your son? Can you make changes to your routine on the weekends and nights that make your son a part of the activities, so that he is 'helping' Mommy?

Some of what my son and I do, is I just started planning and 'adventure day' for every weekend. We go some place new together and explore. Yesterday it was the local mini golf place and had lunch with friends. I've also since he was about your son's age included him in things like laundry, cooking and cleaning. He sorts socks by color for me and helps me mix things while I'm cooking. Get creative and let him see that even though Mommy can do everything, he can help and make it fun!

Also, don't beat yourself up!! Kids can sense our tension, and if you are having anxiety (like me) about missing him ALL day or feeling bad about leaving him...he will know! And, this can manifest itself in altered behavior...only speaking from experience.

Today my kiddo goes to preschool two days a week, and he loves it. But, it took me forever to find a school we both loved and felt comfy in.

When he does tantrum, sit with him and speak lovingly and softly to him. Hold him if you can, and give him kind words to show you are ready to listen to him and help him express his emotions. Key at this age is help them know it's okay to 'feel' and what it is they are 'feeling', so that they can tell us (like my son now) when they are mad or happy or sad. Toddlers this age get frustrated easily and it's mostly because their world is always changing and they don't know how to express that.

Sit down with you hubby and talk about your feelings. Get his feedback and work on a game plan to help your son and your family unit make it through this transition.

Good luck, I'll stop rambling now.

I have nothing to add, I just wanted to say that I love what both Linda and Susan had to say.

Best wishes,
M.

Hi A.,
Our daughter never went to daycare, but I do remember at that age she was extremely clingy. She wanted me to hold her and carry her around the house 24/7, so it is probably just a stage with your little guy, too. Or maybe it's a combo of both -- missing you during the day and then when you get home it all pours out of him. If he seems happy when you drop off/pick up, I'm sure he's enjoying the site you've chosen. I would ride it out for a couple of months (stages seem to only last that long) and just give him lots of TLC when he's with you. When I go through trying times w/ my daughter, I always stop and remember it's a phase and this tender age won't last very long. So soak up that neediness and give lots of attention and it will be paid back, you can bet! :)

I don't know what others have written since I hit respond right away to say that this is common behavior in daycare kids, especially in the beginning. Subconsiously, they are on their better behavior at the daycare center. THey are learning new things, dealing with new situations, but aren't quite sure if they trust their provider just yet. So the minute they come home and are in a safe, loving environment with a mommy and daddy they trust, they break down. Mine went through the same thing at about 10 months, though he'd been in daycare (halftime) since he was 3 months old. Even now, he'll sometimes be really cranky and easily frustrated when at home in the afternoons.

What you have to do, as a working mom who also has been on her best behavior all day and comes home easily frustratable, is to remember that your baby is looking to you for security and trusts that he can break down with you. If you react negatively to his neediness, he'll feel rejected and this just leads to issues in the future. No matter how hard it is for you, especially since you feel like you've got to take on the cooking, the cleaning, the homework, the everything, ask your husband to help you. If he's a big baby like my husband, demand that he help you. He'll realize that when he helps out around the house, you're in a better mood, making you a nicer wife to have around. :-)

Best of luck!

Dearest Beautiful A.,
He misses you. Kids naturally need their moms when they are young.

Kindergarten started in Prussia to make the kids loyal to the state not the parents. Read John Taylor Gatto's book: Dumbing us Down". It is an unnatural situation.

That is why almost all kids freak out at preschool and kindergarten.

Not too guilt trip you. But you should know.

I'm not standing in judgement, though. Do what you have to do. I'd absolutely support your right to do so....I know life is not always as we'd like it.....

Love and Blessings,
Deb

A.,

Hmmm, that sounds like a red flag as far as your daycare provider. If your baby is crying and has a completely different mood consistently when you go to pick him up, you may have a negligent daycare provider who possibly ignores or mistreats him when you are not there. I would consider going to a different provider. You can't be too cautious when it comes to who takes care of your son. There are such horrible things that happen to children with the wrong daycare provider.

It's normal for toddlers to go through periods of negativity. They're testing boundaries and learning so much. If he's not upset about going to daycare then I wouldn't assume it's because of daycare. Maybe he's less testy at daycare and saves it all for you because he is comfortable testing mommy. That's great that he doesn't have a problem getting dropped off. Some of the worst parenting moments I've ever had was because I had to drop my son off at daycare and he would flip out. I felt horrible about it but I had to make money to get by. Hope this helps!

My 18 month old is going thru all kinds of changes right now and he has been in daycare for over a year. These "fun" phases do pass but goodness are they a pain in the butt. I would talk to his daycare provider and see how he is there and make sure that he isn't being held all the time (which I would doubt but doesn't hurt to ask). I would think that your son tantrums more with you because he feels he has more of chance of getting his way with you than dad. Stand firm and let him know who the boss is. I let my son throw a tantrum if he wants to and I respond to it by telling him that it is not good behavior and let him cry it out. I find that this cuts the tantrum time down once he realizes that he isn;t getting a rise out of me. I wouldn't take him out of daycare unless they have a problem with him. Good luck!

A.,
I would definitely visit your daycare (unannounced) and see what is going on there. Best to rule that out as an issue. However, I will tell you that my 17 month old is definitely in a clingy "mommy" stage right now and has been for a couple of months. She is not in daycare, but stays with Grandma and Grandpa during the day. She adores them and I have no childcare concerns. I have noticed that the amount of clinginess is fairly proportional to the amount of time that I am away from her. She doesn't cry as much as you describe your son doing, just mostly clingy and wanting attention and to be held.
Good luck. Having to be away from your kids is always somewhat hard, but with the right childcare situation, it can be ok for everyone.
M.

every kid goes through this at some point. but to rule out the daycare as a reason for this behavior, you should find a day when you can observe him there with the daycare providers. and see how they interact with him and what he does all day.
if theres no problem there then it most likely would mean that he is preparing to enter into his preschooler stage. he is confused and doesnt know quite how to express himself.
just talk to him as much as possible and teach him to use the proper words to express his frustration and other needs to you. whether you use english words or another language or baby signing, its good for the people who are around him to constantly use those same words with him repeatedly, even after he starts using them himself.
if this is a good daycare that you take him to, they should already be using that method.