Two Year Who Is Jealous and Clingy

while I do believe the issues stem from a neediness on his part, I also do believe that it is time to embrace the "1-2-3 Magic" method of discipline.

It is a lifesaver & works! Peace....

It's VERY normal behaviour. He's still adjusting to having to share his mommy with this noisy little creature that takes up SO much of her time now. Expect this to continue for a solid couple of months.

Some things that may help your wife are if she includes him in the care of his new sister: passing her a diaper, receiving blanket, soother, toy, etc. Also (and as a mom of 3 I KNOW how hard this is), your wife NEEDS to spend some time *just* with your son every day. Maybe during one of the baby's naps she could just ignore all the housework and cuddle with the boy and read or tell him stories or play a game or something. Just as long as he's getting some undivided attention.

Once he realizes that the baby is here to stay and mommy does still love him just as much, he'll start to relax a bit. You have to realize that this is a HUGE life change for him and is quite stressful. Just be patient and know that it will pass :o)

Well, one, he's had a lot going on and two, he's two. My own daughter is 2 with no baby sister and some nights are harder than others. I realize that you're probably not changing your routine, but if you were home for a bit when the baby arrived, he may have gotten used to it. Or he might be 2. I'm not saying that to be flip, but I've discovered that 2s are fickle and ornery and have a hard time sometimes with transitions. My daughter will also sometimes refuse to say good night to us because somewhere in her little head she believes if she doesn't say good night (or good bye) then it doesn't happen. It's not about the person. It's about her being 2 and wanting to control what little she can control in her world, with everybody telling her what to eat and when to take a bath and when to go to bed.

And sometimes she gets clingy because she's very aware now that her sister goes "to her momma's house" and she doesn't always like that big sis is gone. Your son could be reacting to your leaving by being more clingy with mom. I think it's pretty normal, if frustrating.

What is different with the bedtime when you are not home? Do you normally bathe him? Read him a story? Spend time with him that's harder when Momma has to tend a baby?

Have you tried leaving him with one of your shirts as a blankie? Recording yourself reading his favorite stories (maybe video?) so he can hear you/see you? Or bring a copy of his book with you and read to him over the phone? Maybe get a Build A Bear with your voice in it that he only gets at night?

I think that he's just having trouble being 2 and being a new big brother. Hang in there. All of you.

You are a good husband and father to be on here asking for help. It is so hard to see your wife exhausted and not feel like you can or have not been able to solve this. Just take a breath and know this is all very normal.

This would be normal whether you were there each evening or not.
2 is a tough age any way even without a huge shift in his world.. meaning a new baby in "his" household.

Young children thrive on strict schedules. They like getting up, seeing the same room, the same people each morning, knowing that their diaper will be changed, then they will be carried or hand held to go get some breakfast in the same high chair or chair. Then the food will be placed there and they will know when they are finished their hands and face will be wiped and then they will get dressed.

All of this is a comforting morning.
But you throw in being startled awake by a crying baby, maybe earlier than usual is not so great.. Or waking up and having to call because no one comes right into the room excited to see you because they are breast feeding or busy taking care of an infant, is not the way it is supposed to work in his world. He is used to being the one that was cooed at in the mornings. He got the first kiss or cuddle.

Then his entire day goes like this, He is expected to understand that when the baby needs something he will need to wait. At 2 year olds attention span is 2 minutes at the most. Saying "give me a minute.". is like half of the length you could keep your attention.. That s a looong time to a 2 year old.

So what techniques will help your son feel secure that he is still loved, that he is still a baby, but also will help him WANT to be a bigger boy?
It will depend on your sons personality. What makes him tick? Does he like to be a big helper? You could use the Thank goodness you are up, I need you to be my big helper this morning. Please get a juice box out of the fridge while I finish feeding the baby. Do you want eggs or cheese toast for breakfast? Do you want an apple or an orange for your fruit this morning. Orange? That is a good choice, will you pick one out of the bowl and put it on the table?

I am burping baby. What color shorts do you want to wear today? Your red ones or your blue ones? Good choice, will you get them out of your dresser and put them on your bed so you can put them on after breakfast.. (you get an idea) he is engaged, he is getting attention, but your wife is able to continue helping your infant.

Then once infant is settled she has this time to give a big hug , kiss and get the morning started,

Remember children need really active play, running, jumping , climbing, being loud, kicking balls, throwing things, this is at least an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. If he cannot get this out of his system, he is going to not be able to keep his energy in check,, It just is not fair to him. So you all need to figure out how he can get this activity. The good thing is that an infant can sleep through practically anything. They can sleep in a stroller, while being carried, while in a car seat or a carrier. Figure what works best.

Also 2 year olds do not have all of therr words so tantrums and melt downs tend to happen when they are frustrated, because they cannot express their want, needs, fears, or frustrations. So you need to learn what triggers him and give him his words. "You seem frustrated because you cannot peddle the bike. Why don' you push it for a while." "You seem like you are becoming angry because no ice cream till after lunch." But I promise, if you will eat your lunch you can get ice cream.

The other thing is that sometimes, you need to just step over them and let them cry when they have a tantrum. And NEVER give them what they want when they have a tantrum. Instead give them the words and them tell them when they are ready you will give them a hug.

Never set him up for failure. If you know he is not up to going to the store, running errands, going to lunch out in public, just do not do it. When he is successful at behaving tell him you notice. I like the way you are staying in your chair. I like how you are using your inside voice..

Her entire day will be like this and so you can see it is exhausting Also it will not always go smoothly. Infant will not latch will decide to not laydown wan to be carried.. Son will not feel well, will move like a slowpoke, so plans and expectations will need to be changed. THIS for me was sooo hard. If I was looking forward to going to the grocery store and it was slowly becoming clear I was not going to meet that goal.. Agh!!!! I was a wreck. I wanted to stay on a schedule. This is when I had to tel myself it was ok, I was not behind some schedule and I was going to be ok going later or another day, but it would eat at me.

Also I HAD to have a shower every day. (moms each have a must do every day find out what your wifes thing is) Breast feeding could sometimes feel like a 30 minute work out. I just could not feel fresh and ready to face the day without that shower, so I was always trying to fit it in on those tough days. Each mom will have these important things she MUST have to make it through these days,. Let you wife be honest about it and have her brainstorm back up ways to get these important things done.

Suggest a moms helper. This can be a preteen that comes over for a few hours every few days to play with the 2 year old. It will give your wife a break form having to entertain him. Or at the playground the helper can sit with the stroller while your wife plays with your 2 year old. She will not have to keep her eyes on the baby the entire time. At one point we had a house keeper come over once a week for about 4 hours and do basic cleaning. Cleaned the bathrooms, the kitchen and laundry though out her time here. It was such a great help.

Sorry so long. Just tell her to do her best, you knw she is a great mom.

Buy some earplugs fo r he both of you and place them all around the house and in the car. They will not block out all of the screaming or crying, but they can take the edge off.

I am sending you both strength.

My daughter goes through phases like this. She has her good days and her bad days. Usually she is very well behaved, then for a few days she becomes whiney and demanding, then back to normal. I call it toddler PMS. The best thing is for you guys to be consistent. If he is getting out of bed, then straight back he goes. If you give in, then he will know what buttons to push and will continue to do so. At least that's what my daughter does. I know it's really hard especially since your wife is so busy with a new baby, there are times that we give in just because it's easier. We almost always regret it. Can I make a suggestion? Have your wife go out by herself at least once a week. Even if it's just to the store or to have coffee at Starbucks or something. It will help recharge her batteries to get a break and trust me, she desperately needs one! If she is less stressed then things may settle down for you. Best of luck to you!

sounds like if he clings to his mom she wont leave too for such long periods of time, be patient with the child.

I remember having the exact same problem with my son - only difference being that I was pregnant at the time (my daughter was born after my son turned 3). If your wife is anything like me, she'll think that she's doing something wrong since he behaves well when you are there. The most important thing is to reassure your wife that she isn't doing anything wrong! The truth is that kids are extremely sensitive to their parents' moods. Obviously, when she is alone, she is more stressed by having to take care of everything by herself - especially if she's feeling inadequate to boot! The best thing you can do is relax! If your son is like mine, he will respond to a "man to man" talk before you go away. Something along the lines of "X, you are a big boy now. Dad will be away for 2 sleeps. I need you to help your mom take care of your little sister. You think you can do that, buddy?" My son actually chose to stop wearing diapers (and never had an accident) since he became a "big boy" before his sister was born! You will be amazed at the difference a little empowerment can make, and how helpful a 2 year old can be (given the chance)! Never go away without telling him that you are going and when you are coming back. His behaviour is typical of a little boy who is feeling insecure due to Dad not being there! Enjoy your children ... they are "clingy" for such a short time of their lives! Before you know it they'll want to "hang with their friends" instead of Mom & Dad. You'll miss the "clingy" phase then. At least I do! My son is 18 and my daughter 15 years old already ... and it seems like just yesterday that I was battling with my boy when daddy was away! Best of luck to you and your family.

Hi J., great question! First, thanks for being so supportive of your wife and family!!! You have some good advice in the other posts. I just want to add that a really good book is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. Totally hokey name, I know, but it is a great book. It's a quick read. At the end of each chapter, there are stories from parents as to how they put to practice the strategies suggested in the book. Please remember there is a huge difference between discipline & punishment. Please chat with your wife and come up with some strategies to help your son be successful. Also remember, that your son hears the new baby cry & then sees you or your wife attend to your baby's every need. That could be another reason your son is whining & crying. Just remind him to use his words, and help him find his words. One other thought: perhaps you & your wife could consider putting your son in daycare for a couple mornings a week. That gives him some social interaction & gives your wife a little time to herself. Much love & peace to your family! Keep us updated.

ok look at this from the two year olds perspective.... you say you are gone 1/2 the month.. in kid terms that could feel like a lifetime.. then all of a sudden he is now made to share the one parent who is around the house.. how would you feel??? the little guy is only two.. I don't think this is about jealously.. (to me that is something that comes along later on) it's more about feeling abandoned.. of course, you truly aren't abandoning your son by any means... but to a kid who was used to having mom to himself and now who has to share... of course he is clinging to that.. wouldn't you.. you are trying to resolve this issue from an "adult" perspective.... when truly, try and see how the little guy feels.. I think it's important to set aside some special time for him ... he needs not only your wife's attention but yours.. so often I read how a kid is NOT acting like he/she should.. two year olds can only reason so much... he is still a baby... his world was recently turned up side down when you brought the newborn home.. wouldn't you be upset... if all of sudden something drastic in your life changed???? e.g... what IF all of a sudden you get a divorce?? wouldn't that wreak havoc on your life and cause you to possibly "cling" to those who are left around you.. it's a drastic comparison.. but hey, to your two year old... who does not yet have the skills to figure all this out, it's a real upset.. I tend to advocate for the kids in most cases and this is no different. To me, it's the job of the parents to help the unsettled kid feel better. I think you just need to be more patient (As does your wife) and as mentioned, set aside some special time each day for your son. Additionally, why not see about getting him involved in playdates where he has some kids his own age.. this could help him settle in a bit better.. to me, this isn't about sibling rivalry (yet) :) right now, it's just about a little toddler who needs some extra attention until he too can adjust.. I wish you and your family the best..

Hi J.-
I know this situation all to well, and its not easy. From what I gather, our little ones feel that mom is the only one who doesnt leave. When my son was 6 months old, my husband had to work out of town (and actually this continued until just 2 months ago and my son is now 5) so this was a long process for us. My husband would be out of town and come home every other weekend. So when my husband came home, our son would still cling to me. Dad couldnt feed him, couldnt bathe him. It was a very stressful time for all of us. I almost had a breakdown because I never got a break. and He would freak out if I had to go to the bathroom. It takes time and consistancy on your wifes part. and lots of help from you when you are home.... if you can skype with your son when you leave that mught help. They do grow out of it...that I can say. I am the main disciplinary in the house, but that also our nature even now that he is home..lol
Give your wife a big hug and tell her to hang in there and things will get better...

He needs discipline to learn this is not allowed. It's hard to look at it that way when you see a needy, sad child, your impluse is to comfort, but this will let it continue and maybe even get worse.

When ours hit that stage, we would FIRMLY tell them not to whine, enforce if necessary, and we would not pick them up if they were whining. We would wait until they asked nicely. We would discipline them (firmly) if they tried to spin it into a tantrum, and we never let them refuse bed time or get out of bed at night. Again, warning , and then discipline if necessary, but at 2, they already knew pushing it would get them nowhere. They had no choice but to "get over it" and they did. AT all other times we showered them with love and attention, we just didn't let them demand it with whining and crying. It's not a crime to say, "No whining" and then enforce. It's difficult on a loving mommy, but she'll be thankful she put her foot down.

I don't have any personal experience with this, but there is a book called Siblings Without Rivalry that addresses the introduction of siblings into a family and it may be useful to you. And I agree that two isn't a very logical age, regardless :). Lots of luck. This too shall pass.

His behavior is not for no reason. He's telling you he needs more attention. You are gone a lot and your wife is suddenly very busy with another child. That's huge in your son's eyes!
I would see if you can get some help so that each of you can spend more time with your son. Maybe a mother's helper, a teen from your neighborhood, someone can come over and play with him for a couple hours a day. Or, hold the baby so your wife can play.
Maybe you or your wife could co-sleep with your son so that he can get your time that way. There are a lot of hours at night, and just having someone there might comfort him, and that feeling may carry over to daytime.
I think this is going to be tough for awhile. But every day he's older, the baby is older, it will change.

Hi J., It;s nice to hear from a dad/husband, Children (Most children) behave better for their dads than moms, usually because we are the push overs, You used the words He won't let your wife do anything, J. the problem heer is he's not in charge, he should not have that much power or control in your home that comes to he won't let. My husband was away a lot as well, he was in the Navy so i knew I had to become the disciplinarian in our home, your wife needs to discipline your son when he won't stay in his bed and when he's crying for no apparent reason, he has a reason, even if it's just to get his own way. Disciplining our children is part of loving our children. My daughter was 2 when we lived over seas and she had a really hard time when her dad was gone, but she had to learn to miss him without changing her behavior and she did. Your wife just needs to step up and take it higher with the raising of your son, it's not always easy I know and I made mistakes a long the way, but in the long run it was all good. Children become possesive over a parent when a new baby comes, have your wife involve him in helping, so he still feels conected, and try and be home more if possible. J.