Question on 19 Month Old Behavior

Sounds a lot like my youngest of 4. Except he started from day 1. He was very easily frustrated and very strong willed. A tough combination. He wanted what he wanted right now. and would throw a fit if he didn't get it fast enough. For example, if he wanted a drink of water, before I could get my hands out of the dish water and get his water, he was on the floor throwing a tantrum. when he threw himself to the floor, he'd hit his head giving him momentum for his tantrum. However once he was on the floor, he would not pick up his head and repeatedly hit it. So I learned to anticipate and put my hand under his head and lay him down. The tantrum was much smaller. As far as toys and puzzles, I'd try to calm him and teach him how to do what he wanted to do with the toy or puzzle, therefore he was less frustrated. When he threw a fit bacause he was told no, I just had to be super consistent so he knew the tantrum was not ging to get his way. This may not be the same thing. She just may be going through a stage where she's seeking attention. Judy S.

Hi L., I'm glad you asked this question. This must by normal because my 19 month old daughter is doing the same thing and I'm a SAHM! I thought maybe it was because I'm 6 months pregnant and I just haven't been able to pick her up and carry her as much, so she's always in my lap or tugging at my legs. Just know that you're not alone and good luck!

Sounds to me like she might just be overtired. Does she take her nap at daycare? Sometimes its harder for little ones to sleep in a stimulating environment. My son acts exactly like you described if he skips a nap or doesn't sleep well a couple of days in a row.
Hang in there, whatever it is will pass eventually
xo
h

As the others said, this behavior is normal for her age. One thing you might consider though -- is there any time of day the tantrums occur more frequently than others? Is she on a regular nap schedule? Being overtired makes children more likely to have a short fuse. Maybe adjusting nap times might help. Also, being hungry can make a child irritable. With my eldest daughter, I noticed she always melted down around the same time of day, and when I started giving her a snack earlier, the meltdowns stopped. Poor thing just had low blood sugar, I guess. Because of it I was always careful to make sure she and the children I had after her had plenty of healthy snacks frequently between meals.

the daycare can be to overwhelming for her. I worked in a daycare and as a passed worker, I think you need to do a surprise drop in,especially around the time they want to put the kids down for a nap. There are a lot of bad workers and they may not be giving her love and attn. I took my own child out and found a at home day care.I personally feel, they are much better and the invironment is just more cozy. Good luck

I'm sure that you did not give in too much etc. It sounds very normal to me. I have three children and between 15 months and on we experienced the same sort of things. Right now my 16 month old is just starting this also. You want to be sure to express the words for her. Teaching her how to express her feelings in a possitive way is how they learn to deal with these frustrations.

When she is doing the puzzle and it is not going well she will be frustrated. Just say "are you frustrated, can mommy help. Please don't throw the toy, toys that get thrown have to have time outs." etc. This will help her as she begins to be able to have words hereself.

Same for other feelings, sad, angry, happy, it is important to help her express herself.

It will get better just be consistant and let her know how much you love her regardless of how she acts.

good luck.

I was having the same problem with my 18 month old son. Here is a great article I found taht made me feel better about the whole situation and understnad it is normal!! Hope it helps!

http://www.babycenter.com/404_why-does-my-child-get-angry...

Hi L.,

I had the same problem with my son. He was the most easy going baby ever... but it seemed like the second he turned 15 months old... he completely changed. He is still really sweet... but his patience and frustration level became out of control. He even started smacking himself in the forehead, or banging his head on the floor when he got upset. I did a lot of reading on the issue, and also talked to my pediatrician... and posted on here! It was really comforting to know that it's common. I highly recommend the book or DVD "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvery Karp. He also made "Happiest Baby on the Block"... both are lifesavers! The toddler version gives helpful ways to communicate with your child to help relieve some of the frustration. We've also been teaching our son sign language since he was about 9 months old. I found that it's really helped at this age because even if he can't say the words, he can tell us what he wants/needs (hungry, thirsty, tired, etc...).

I hope this helps... good luck! Remember, this phase will pass! :-)

-D.

I can't give you any answers L., but I can tell you I have a 19 month old who exhibits some of the same signs and symptoms from time to time. She also is in daycare full time as both my husband and I work fulltime outside of the home. Some days she is wonderful and somedays she is horrible!! Typically Mondays are really bad for us after "School" (that's what we call daycare) and the weekends are obviously much better. But, I don't think it's anything you have done. Sometimes I think it's her teeth; some days she has napped better than others; some days she feeds off our energy. So, take solace that you're not alone. I do think a lot of it is that they are in the communication gap right now with limited vocabulary yet the ability to understand SO much- which has to be frustrating for their little minds and bodies. I try and let Katie call the shots when reasonable so she feels like she has some control (ie do you want to wear this shirt or this shirt today?) and that seems to help. Also, just keep things light and remember how much you love your kid and that this too shall pass... that always helps!!!

On a side note, what area of town are you in? We are in Ahwatukee; if close, maybe we can meet up sometime? K.

My firtst question would,how long has she been in daycare?
Oftentimes children will be clingy and may feel a little diserted when they are separated from Mom for the first few times.My advice would be to reassure her that you will be picking her up at a certain time every day,however you want to put it[lunchtime or sometime she can relate to].My Grandaughter oftentimes would also act very frustrated and act out when she started kindergarten but soon was back to her old self.We never really figured that out.Whatever you do ,don't pamper her or give in to all her wants.Treat her as normally as you did before,ask her what she did that day
[I realize she probably isn't talking yet]but children can understand when your interested in them.Spend time with her but don't let her dominate every minute of your time.I think she'll be just fine soon.If not you could check with her daycare to find out if theres something or even another child that is frustrating her.Good Luck.

Hi L. ist's T.. I hope this is normal because little "G" man just started doing the same things. Fustration with his puzzles, throwing himself on the ground crying, kicking and screaming. If you find something that works, please let me know. See you in a few hours.

I would say that you need to check with the daycare place. Either something happened there with the teachers or the playmates. She seems to be scared and frustrated.

Hi L.- Your daughter sounds just like my 19 month old son. I think it is very normal. All the kids in our playgroup are going through the same thing. They are frustrated because they want to communicate and know how things are supposed to work. This is also the age that they all start to throw temper tantrums. Hang in there. I am told it will pass.

N.

Many other mothers commented to say this, but I'll just reinforce that yes, it's absolutely normal and won't last forever. The more cuddling and affection kids get from the very first moment, the better, so you definitely didn't "cause" this. Life is frustrating, for two and thirty-two and ninety-two year olds. I agree with the mothers who suggested being very proactive with the affection. Most likely your daughter wants to know that growing up and becoming more independent won't mean losing the opportunity to cuddle and be cared for. Taking the time to reassure her of this now will give her the confidence she needs to become confident, independent, and still connected to you. My daughters were hardly out of arms the first eighteen months of their lives, and now they are very brave about being in new places and engaging new experiences.

Is she teething? they are more needy when they are.
Include her in what you are doing....such as the laundry, ask her to help, let her empty the silverware etc.....

Parenting isn't easy, just when you think everything is ok, they the next learning curve comes!

Hang in there, you are not alone!
T.
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com

It is totally, totally normal. She's driven developmentally to explore and try things, yet her body doesn't always do what she wants or expects and the world doesn't always do what she wants and expects, and she's frustrated! Further, she can't communicate this frustration in words. Tantrums are communication, and they are already miserable to experience for her. The best thing you can do is empathize, giving her words that will eventually sink in and that she can start to use to express herself ("You're really frustrated with the puzzle"). Either encourage her to try again or if she just keeps getting frustrated and throwing, take away the toy, saying, "it's not OK to throw this" and give her something soft she can throw or distract her to something that she will experience more success at, an easier toy.

This is all completely related to her brain development. She also lacks impulse control, and she can't help this. The part of brain that controls this will take several years to develop.

As far as clinginess, that's normal too, and it will only get worse if you withdraw. You didn't CAUSE it. I would spend more time snuggling, although you don't need to pick her up each time and carry her. With my son, I'll do the opposite, getting down on his level and giving him a hug instead of picking him up. This really works! He often just needs that reassurance and cuddle before he's off again playing.

HTH.

M.

No you are not the only one who has gone through this and its not because you were carring her to much or anything like this. This is a learning stage all kids go through some worse than others. She seems to have her mind set and she seems like she is the type to have to do things on her own.. Which is great but it makes raise them a little harder on mom and dad. THe things I did was sit down with my son and help him after the fit is over. If she wants something ask her to show you and then say the word and have her try and say it back to you and once she tries then give it to her at first this will take patience but in the end it is help full. also teaching sign language is helpful because little ones don't have the ablility to make all sounds just yet but showing her sign or showing her your mouth as you say the word and to try and make her immatate you will help. My son now will ask here and hell grab my finger and take me to the kitchen playroom ect and point to what he wants then i sign it and say it to my son. He will move his mouth and sign it back to me now everytime and it just make the fits calm down and not be so over whelming for me anymore.

I should get better when she is able to communicate with you better. Part of it may be how she sees others act at the center, but it sounds pretty normals

Hi!

I think the terrible two's start early! She could not be feeling well - don't we all want someone to comfort us when we don't feel well. Have you made sure the day care is a good daycare? Just something to think about. Hope all goes well for you.

Marsee

I can tell you from experience that this is normal behavior. I have run a home daycare for over 5 yrs and children between 1-3 go through this. When I have one who normal does not act out and then starts to cry or become really clingy, I usually try to not pick them up all the time, I usually get down to their level and play with them or we be silly and that usually makes them forget about what they were upset about. I think children try to test us to see if we are really paying attention or what our reaction will be, then they know if they do it again, they will get the same treatment. It usually passes and then things get back to normal. I have children in my care who cannot talk so they try to communicate in different ways, I have learned how each child is and try to know what they want to need. Good Luck things will get back to normal soon,

Hi L.,
In my opinion (I have 3 kids) this behavior for a 19 month old is pretty normal. Since she can't express her feelings or she doesn't know how to process frustration then acting out like she does seems normal to me. All 3 of my kids went through stages like this but now they are older (10, 8 & 4) and can process things much more maturely. Be patient and know that this is just what toddlers do. Maybe redirecting her when it happens will help. I know it helped my little ones. I hope this helps you.
B.

Hi L.,

I agree with those who said it's a normal phase in our society. You hit the nail on the head with the communication issue- it must be so frustrating to know what you want and to not be able to communicate what it is. Sign language is a great idea. The kids pick it up much more quickly than we adults do.

You definitely didn't do anything wrong! Babies are meant to be carried or else they would be born walking. And giving in is another way of saying that you met her needs just as you felt necessary. Definitely don't ignore her now! That will just teach her that the person that she trusts the most isn't really there to meet her needs. Try getting down with her and gently and lovingly empathizing- "I know you're angry, sweetie." Or something to that effect, and just keep giving her lots of reassurance and love.

The two's aren't terrible, they're terrific! Enjoy every moment as best you can. They grow so quickly!

I would call those temper tantrums-& a firm (VERY FIRM) no and a little pop on the butt will stop that behavior. But you have to be consistant-think of this as the beginning of the terrible twos...and if you dont nip it in the bud now then you can be sure that when she's 5 or older and doesnt get what she wants in the store she'll act the same way...very imbarrasing!

L., I read your message and had to respond! I have a 20 month old son and I know exactly what you mean. Just a few thoughts for you, first, according to the AAP, it is normal for some children to go through a second seperation anxiety phase around 18 months. Also, at this age, they are figuring out so much that they are realizing there is a lot that they can't do, but they want to, so they get frustrated. As far as the fits, if it is a fit in response to you telling her no for something, ignore the fit. I know, it is hard, but it is worth it. My son's fits have minimized greatly because when he starts to through a fit, I try to very calmly tell him that I'm walking away and when he is done with his fit, he can come over. Yes, there was one night that the fit lasted for almost 45 minutes, but I stuck to it and ignored him, since then his fits might last for 30 seconds and he realizes that is isn't doing him any good. Stick to it, it is hard at first, but so worth it.
As far as a fit when she gets frustrated, I don't know, those are hard, I usually try to help him accomplish what he is trying to do.
Enough of my rambelings, good luck!!

Sounds like she is starting her terrible two's!!!! My daughter started around 16-17 months and my son is only 15 months and he is already starting!!!! I would just try to stay calm and talk to her and explain and when she has melt downs do your best to ignore them. Good luck, I always hated this phase!!!!

Hi L.!

This is just my opinion but I have raised five children and owned / operated an infant and pre-school nursery for 17 years. When I read this I couldn't resist writing to you as I have seen this in my own children as well as in the (many) children I have cared for. This behavior is usually typical of a child the age of your child. It is their way of exploring independance and is a part of the growing process. You might check your child care provider to see if there are any seperation issues which is also perfectly normal. Something that is sometimes useful in that respect is for you to give the care provider a call once a day and briefly speak with your child. This is reassuring to the child and usually is only needed for a week or two. Your child may simply need to know that you are near and will be taking them home with you. Something I found useful was to take a small photo of you, or you with your child, seal it card saver plastic (plastic with adhesive) making certain you trim the edges so there are no sharp corners and send with her to day care inside her diaper bag or duffle. This sometimes eases the anxiety of being separated from you and it will become a treasure to your child.

Good luck,
Kathie Meyer ____@____.com

There is no such thing as carrying your daughter too much. Especially at her age. I have two girls and they both went through that. My youngest still gets like that when she doesn't get what she wants or you tell her know. We usually just ignore her and she stops. Sometimes time out, but doesn't usually work cause she just cries while she sits.

Totally normal!!!! Don't worry, be patient and loving. When my children went through that stage I frequently told myself (and them) "It's hard to be almost 2!" (Actually I use that to remind myself of their struggles growing up at many ages and stages.)
All the best,
M.

as the mother of a very independent 2 year old, i feel that 90% of the responses you were given is good advice. i especially liked the baby center article that someone linked.

my daughter has recently become very clingy and i try to tell myself that the upper body strength i'm developing is worth the back pain. i also try to keep in mind that soon my daughter won't want me to pick her up and i should try to embrace this time. these tactics sometimes ease my frustration (one frustrated person is enough)!

erikson called this stage 'autonomy vs doubt' and regardless of whether one buys in to the whole erickson psychosocial development theory i think this a good description of toddlerhood. on one hand we encourage and demand self reliance but on the other we limit many choices. independence is an exciting and scary thing.

i try to give my daughter as many choices as possible and explain why some choices will be made by me. i notice a lot of difference when she can make her own choices. but some days are just no fun no matter what i do. good luck!

Although this behavior is normal for this age group, most children that I know that go to daycare are a little more clingy than most because they miss you during the day and want every bit of your attention when they do see you. You didn't say what your evening routine was, but you may want to give your daughter some one-on-one attention when you get home instead of jumping into dinner making, errand running or chores. It sounds like her tantrums are more about getting your attention. Negative attention is better than nothing in her world. If you work that one-on-one into your routine, it might help her behavior issues that seem to be to get your attention. Good luck.

The frustration when you can understand here comes with the age. When people say terrible two's which she will be entering is because the communication hardship. Also your daughter really is aware of her environment and now understands when you are leaving now. Its serparation anxiety. They all do it. Just leave something with her that would remind her of you. Also with not understanding her. Just tell her to stop her fit and say use words and if that doesn't work look into baby signs and teach her those or just normal sign language. That helped me a lot.

Yep, sounds like little kid behavior! My five year old still acts that way! Try to teach her to use her words to express how she is feeling, when she is throwing a fit, you can say, wow you are really mad and frustrated because that puzzle is hard to do. Give her as much hugs and love as you can, in a few more years she won't want it anymore.
Also, in regards to some of the other responses, I wouldn't ignore her or punish her for sharing her feelings, or for expressing that she is upset. Imagine if you were that upset and you tried to communicate it with someone and they ignored you and punished you.

Welcome to the "terrible twos!" Often this phase start early. This behavior is so typical as they begin to realize they can sometimes control their environment with their actions and have things the way they want. It's also very frustrating as they realize that they sometimes cannot control their environment. But they try hard, and will keep trying all kinds of approaches, including tantrums, crying, whining, anger, etc. The trick, as I see it, is to reward and respond to their positive choices, and not to reward the tantrums or other negative attempts to control. And try to model good responses to frustration. For example, if you are doing puzzles together, talk you way through it out loud saying things like, "I love doing puzzles . This is so fun. Oh dear, this piece doesn't fit. Oh it makes me so mad when I can't get it together. But I really want to put it together. Maybe I'll try it in a different place. Let's see if it fits here, or maybe I'll try a different piece." She'll see you still working, and hers on the floor (which may trigger another tantrum), and she'll decide she wants your results and not hers. It's good to model your coping skills in many of the things that you do. Tell her when you're frustrated and talk through your coping mechanisms and decisions (in a simple way) so she can see positive examples. Hopefully over time (it's a long process) she'll learn better skills for coping. But you also have to just wait as she slowly develops the maturity to cope without tantrums, etc. It is a phase, but it will last quite a while. Good luck.