Controlling Mom!

Yep, I struggle with that too. Just yesterday I wanted to explain to him how he should handle getting the kids out of the door to head to school, but I held my tongue. Instead I took a breathe, waited until he got back and told him how thankful I was that he took them to school. As I do with the kids, I have to pick my battles.

Perhaps if you look at it from a different point of view. You are not teaching your son to adapt to anything.

You have a very small window of opportunity to teach kids to adapt. It will carry through their whole life. One of the funniest stories my daughter told me about college was one of her room mates had this insane ritual, specific lighting, white noise, or she couldn't sleep!! 22 years old!!! My daughter asked and she said that was the only way she could sleep had been like that from a kid. Her mom was one of those that had the blackout curtains to control the lights, the nasty note on the door saying baby was sleeping don't ring the door.

Kids need to learn to adapt and the best way to do that is let dad have a go and don't hover. What you are doing is more damaging than anything your husband can do.

One thing I did with my babies is I had lights on, we made noise, we talked and had the TV on when ever. My babies could sleep through anything at all. Let him be a dad and do his dad way. But do not make it so others cannot not live in your home. Lighten up and enjoy this time with your husband. We also took our babies everywhere. We did not stay home because of a nap or because it was bed time. They will sleep when they are tired, no matter where they are.

Be REALLY careful with this, H.. It is a common enough mistake that women make, but it can be really damaging to your marriage and to your husband's relationship with his child.

As much as you can, butt out and let him do it his way. Don't assume something will happen before it does. He will parent differently than you -- men have different ways of relating to their children, and that is healthy, as long as they are actually relating to the child in some positive way.

If you micromanage too much you will quite possibly cause him to withdraw from the child more, which is a common male reaction. I certainly understand how it feels, but you MUST learn to bite your tongue unless you feel the child is somehow in danger.

PLEASE don't make this mistake. It's a big one. You have to believe that it's actually a good thing for guys to parent differently, as long as they are not being neglectful or abusive, and that you and he are united in common discipline issues, which won't arise till later anyway.

Your husband wanted to help!!! That's a good thing. Don't squash it. Better to let him turn the light on and figure it out on his own. Under no circumstances should you say "no" and then take over. You just lost a precious opportunity last night.

It's fixable, but stop micromanaging, NOW.

I think you need to take a moment and write down what really scares you about allowing DH to do things his way. Many times control = fear.

If LO wakes up because DH turned on the light, then can it be DH that comforts him back to sleep and not your problem? You say you fear he'll let LO sleep all day - what is the basis for this fear? Do you think your child will actually sleep all day? Your DH has shown he's willing to change a diaper (something not all men will do) and I don't get the impression that he will ignore the baby.

It is easy to get into "I'll do it my way" and want everyone else to do the same. Think about your top 3 or 5 parenting choices. Then sit down with DH to discuss them. Where can you two agree? Where are there compromises to be made?

And recognize that you can learn from DH, too. Our DD has curly hair and I noticed in the last month or so that her head was greasy looking in the AM after I did her bath but not when DH did it, so I asked him how he washed her hair - because he was obviously doing something better than I was.

Remember that parenting is a joint effort with you and your DH and there will be many, many decisions to make in the next 18 or so years. Some will be right, some wrong. Don't get so caught in the weeds that you don't enjoy your family. Try to let things go where his way and your way both get to the same point. Don't make everything a battle. Fight only the ones worth going on a limb for.

BTW, I breastfed DD, too. I pumped whenever she was going to be without me for a duration of longer than an hour or so. If you don't pump for work or long durations, you only need a single hand pump and can pump evenings or nap times a day or two before you head out.

I clearly recall the day I realized DD was big enough to toddle out the back door and across our yard to her father. It was bittersweet to see her go off without me, but it was just one of many first steps she will take in her life. Now they garden together and I love that she has that with him. I didn't get that growing up and I really want my child to have better. Sometimes being a good mom is letting your husband be a good dad.

If you husband wants to help out, BACK OFF or you will be doing all the work and maybe all by your lonesome.

It's perfectly OK that he wanted to turn on the lights to change the baby. Your way is not the ONLY way. In fact, you should plan to leave baby and daddy some time on their own every week. Get out and have your own ME time...RELAX and try to enjoy yourself.

Different is not bad. Your way is not the only way. Your way is not even best. He deserves a say. He will parent differently, but he is not wrong. If a parent is a good person and want to take care of his child...you should NOT say no. That implies, that it's YOUR child, YOUR decision. That's wrong. Controlling like this...I've seen it destroy marriages.

Yes, I think therapy would really benefit you. I mean, if you feel like you need it...that's a really good clue. I think you may be to the point, where you can't control how much you control. It's just you, your way, your reaction. That will be very hard to change, without help. You CAN, but help is always good.

I'm a control freak sometimes. But not about this. I have always trusted my husband's judgement with our children. Honestly, if I didn't think he was a good man capable of raising children then I wouldn't have married him and had children with him.

If you want him to be a good father you have to let go and let him figure it out for himself.

Hubby and I discuss discipline and food. Things like that we both have to know. And we do bedtime together. But everything else is a free for all. He doesn't tell me how to be a parent. And I don't tell him how to do it. If either of us needs help we just ask. For instance, I read to my girls. Hubby doesn't because he doesn't like to read. So he chases, wrestles, and watches tv with them. No biggie.

Remember, your child will have a different relationship with both of you. And that's ok.

Remember: you are not a Single-Parent and this is not only your child. It is your Husband's. too.

At some point, if this controlling impulse does not lessen, people tend to get sick and tired of it. Then they don't even want to be around the person. Then, they start to do their own thing.
And they don't say anything... because they know they... will be blamed. All the time.
So, it makes the other partner... a non-entity and alienates them from their own child/spouse.
Because one is controlling and it controls, everything.

This is not just about your Husband being the father that he wants to be. This is about how- it is going to make him, a nobody in the house. And not important. And at some point, a Spouse will get sick and tired of it. The poor, guy.
He is still married to you and home.
But what if one day he gets so sick and tired and miserable because of it... that he just leaves. Or finds someone else. Or just does not even try to help anymore... at all?
Because nothing he does... is... ever... good... enough... to... you.
I have known people that are so controlling.
And NOTHING.... is EVER good enough for them.
Therefore, they damage all relationships and happiness, for the other person. Because, it de-values and demoralizes, the other person... everyday, every minute, every second, every darn day of their life.
At some point, a person just gets sick and tired of it and they won't even want to be around.
I have a sibling like that.
And let me tell you.... I CANNOT stand, that sibling. AND I do not trust, that sibling. At all.
Just thinking about that sibling, gets me so pissed off.
Do you want... your Husband... to have to feel that way all the time, around you????

You need to seek Therapy.
Your Husband's morale and sense of self, will be destroyed. And no one, should have to be a door-mat, or feel that they are always wrong.

Remember: there are MANY different ways, to do something. Better ways. Too.

Me and my husband don't do things the same way. And I have 2, kids.
And my kids know... my way and his way and they have no problem with it. They still go to bed, eat, go to school, and have their own sense of self. Its fine.

Each person, in a family... is an individual too. Not just a cog in a wheel.

And, by treating your Husband that way... your daughter will see... how men are treated and how you treat, him.
I have a daughter... and I let my Husband, be a Dad to BOTH my kids. That is what he is- A Dad. A Husband. And it is important... for a Dad... to be close to their kids too, and have a relationship with their child.
Do not take that away, from your Husband.
A daughter, needs her Dad.
My Husband and daughter are close. And that is good.

Be glad your Husband wants to help and be a Dad.
He should not have to ask your permission... to be that.
And he should not have to be, your door-mat.
At some point... he will get sick and tired, of it.

Whenever you start to feel that you should say something like "no that's wrong or not my way of doing things..." take a breath and grab a cup of coffee or tea or glass of water and leave...just walk out the door, go for a walk, look at the flowers, feed the birds ect. Only be gone a few minutes then as you walk back into the house smile, big smile and say to hubby 'thanks'.

I also think it's time for a little self examination. Do you mistrust all men or just hubby? Has a man who was/is important in your life let you down repeatedly? I think you are projecting that mistrust onto your hubby. Keep repeating to yourself " He is as good a parent as I am ---- he can handle this".

Pump and freeze yuour breast milk and take a few hours for yourself at least once a week.

No you are not the only one. But we moms need to remember, our way works great for us, but our children do understand the difference between mom and dads way of doing things. It is good for them to be able to deal with different people. Different styles. These children will be better prepared for dealing with different people and ways of seeing the world.

Our daughter knew that her dad would not carry her from the bath to her bed.. instead he chased her.. that was their game. I felt like it got her riled up, but because when he dried her off with stronger strokes on her head back and feet with the towel.. It was like it wore her down.. She loved it..

I ended up carrying her for a lot longer than probably was necessary, because that was my way of doing it. She was always ready to be carried after bath..

Not a better way, just different.

I suggest you start leaving your child with your husband more often.. Then you need to take many steps back when you are around them and dad is doing the care giving. Just stick a straw in your mouth.. If he wipes her face down with the dish towel instead of a wash cloth.. who cares?

Now if he is putting her in danger, like letting her ride in the front seat.. then you need to step in..

So many moms complain that they are the only care giver.. But if you do not allow your child's father to actually be hands on, you are depriving your child of having both parents be a part of their lives. And you are letting your husband think he is not a good father.

Our neighbor hated leaving the kids with dad on Saturday, because they sat on the sofa watching football games, but guess what? The kids loved it! They would take their toys in there and play around dad.. During commercials, they would play with the toys with him.. It was hilarious to going there and see that dad with the dolls all lined up around him.. He was "babysitting the babies.".

He taught them the "rule of the gypsies". "If you get a snack, the dad gets the first bite..." Hee, heee.. They really believed this!!!! Then he would some times eat 3/4 of the cookie.. or whatever! The kids would FREAK out!!! It was hilarious.. so he would send them back for more.. We would laugh and laugh.. They are now in college and they love these memories..

Dads are awesome. They are so outside of the box, fly by the seat of their pants.. and this is a good thing. You learned by doing things over and over.. move out of the way and allow him to learn too.

Keep in mind, the more you appreciate and give him the opportunities to care fr his child.. the more he will be willing. If anything were to happen to you... he is the parent that will be in charge. He needs to learn these skills.

I'm exactly like you, and I have to make a conscious effort each and every time my husband interacts with my children to not try to micromanage their interactions. I don't think you necessarily need therapy, but try practicing letting go a bit. It.is.hard! I know this. I can feel my blood pressure rising sometimes when my husband is doing something so opposite of the way I do it. That's when I know it is time to leave the room and distract myself with something else.

If your LO would be content sleeping all day--great! Maybe he needs that sleep. My 3rd baby was a marathon sleeper, and I let him sleep as much as he wanted/needed to. He'll be 2 in a few months, and I feel like he's more advanced than our other kids were at that age, and very playful.

I am like you, it's really hard! For me, it was hard because DH admittedly didn't know what to do with our daughter. So while he didn't want me micromanaging him, he was afraid of messing up. I used to be SO picky about everything, how we held her, what she wore, the order of her routine, everything. But like you, I realized that this wasn't good for any of us.

DH is sweet, and like yours, wanted to help out often. So I finally told him how awesome of a dad I think he is for always being involved. And that I know he is a great dad and can do things just fine. That I realize he knows the big safety stuff, and he probably can figure out the little stuff in his own way. He can always ask me something if he needs, but I trust him to be a great dad. You know what? He rocked. He did ask me plenty of things. But he also took pride in figuring things out himself, and it did wonders for his relationship with our DD. Little things, like he figured out a silly game to play to keep her still while changing diapers. I would have never done it (had to do with stinky toes and some gross song), but it was SO cute and she LOVED it. If I made him do it my way, he would have never had any pride in silly bonding moments like that.

I also learned that he had a thing or two to teach me. Once she was a toddler, he was much better at the park with her than me. He kept her safe of course, but he let her explore a lot more than I would have. She was willing to try new things because of his encouragement.

Now this didn't happen overnight and wasn't a complete turnaround. I was, and still am, fussy about many things and just have my way sometimes. But I did start to notice that she benefitted from both of our parenting styles, and is now a happy well-adjusted 12 year old.

So for HOW to do this? Start with something small. If it was as easy as 'just stopping', you would have done it already. So do start with telling DH that you think he is an awesome dad and what I describe above. But start with baby steps (pardon the pun). Find out what hubby would like to do for LO, and let him. Would he like to feed him lunch? Have play time on the floor? Whatever it is, tell him to have so much fun and get the heck out of there. You can manage without one hour of controlling, and DH will do just fine. And tell him so. Tell him LO is lucky to have him. You'll see how quickly DH will respond. If LO is a mama's boy, pick a time and activity where he is likely to respond best (so don't have DH try to put a tired, cranky LO down for a nap or something).

Good luck, and know that you aren't alone in the controlling mom's club. I am a charter member. :-)

You need to take an overnight trip somewhere for 36 hours. Really. Dad can handle things. And yes, he will do things a little differently than you. But that is ok. Kiddos learn to deal with different people. Everything doesn't always have to be EXACTLY the same. They can adapt a little.

It might also help if you let husband figure out on his own, some of what you have figured out already. Turning on a bright light wakes them up more. And , well, ok... let him figure out how to soothe him back down to sleep. Then next time, when Dad doesn't want to invest another hour in bedtime, he will say: oh... I shouldn't turn the bright light on if I want him to go back to sleep easily.
Or not. But DAD gets to deal with the results of his choices.
And your baby will bond with Dad, who is ALWAYS going to have a different way to approach things.

Remember why kids have both a mom and a dad. It isn't because they need a pair of clones taking care of them.

Relax a little. Yes, it is normal to be controlling in the beginning, but now that you recognize it for what it is, take a step back and give dad a chance. If you don't, eventually he will stop trying to step up and help, and then you will be on here complaining that you have to do everything and dad does nothing with the kids.

sounds normal to me. You spend more time with the baby so you know more about his routine. don't be so hard on yourself. that you are aware of the possibility that you are over criticizing your husband says you are willing to work on it and that is great! talk to your husband. see how he really feels. that you are aware tells me you will communicate and work it out.

No you are not alone!! You are one of the ones who admit it and want to try to do things differently. A LOT of women who complain their husbands do nothing have set it up that way. Some SAHMs feel better saying only they can do what they do, men are not capable. I think men are more sensitive than we are about this stuff, if my husband reminds me that our son needs medicine tonight, or skipped a shower last night, I appreciate the reminder! if I remind my husband of something like that because I'm going out, just trying to be helpful cuz I like reminders, he is so very mad and insulted that I insinuated he isnt capable!

If you feel like you need help, then get help. I get the feeling that you need things to be "just so" in general, but once you have a kid, some of that just needs to go right out the window. "Good enough" needs to be your go-to phrase when it comes to daddy. He may not do things like YOU want, but as long as your child is safe and healthy in his care, then you need to take a deep breath and let it go.

Maybe get a dimmer switch for the baby's room so you can turn up the light gradually so there's enough to change a diaper but not wake up a baby. I get the impression your little one is really little. There's not a whole lot of "playing" to do with an infant. But find a carrier that hubby can wear the baby around the house to do stuff. Your child WON'T sleep all day because they don't sleep all day.

RELAX! It's a little bit normal until it gets out of hand. Do your best to not let it go there.

If you want it done your way, do it yourself. Otherwise, let dh do it his way. He may have to spend a few hours dealing with a child that wont go to bed before he will understand that things need to be kept quiet and dark at bedtime. What I always tell my dh is you wake him, you take him. This works well for if he lets her sleep all day, he can deal with her being awake all night. If you are worried about when you are gone, leave your husband instructions. Mine tells me to write them down, like a schedule.

In my opinion its not micromanaging when your husband wakes lo up and you are the one to have to deal with her for hours not going back to sleep. Just be sure you explain to your husband why you want things done a certain way, such as if you dont keep the lights down, lo will wake up and be up for hours.

Variety is the spice of life. In every relationship you need some sense of balance. Structure and order is your way, your husband might have his own style. The LO is only getting fussy because his ROUTINE has changed. What you need to do is bite your tongue and let LO get used to daddy's way. Children are resilient and eventually they adapt. Your kid will be a better and more whole individual if you expose him to different ways of doing things. Your way is not necessarily wrong, you just need to tell yourself that Daddy's way is ok too. Give your LO and your husband more time to get used to each other and you go and get a pedicure, breathe and let go. You do not need therapy. You need to relax.

PS: H. I admire you. You admitted a problem, took action and reaped the rewards. Kudos on letting go in your "what happened" report. Keep it up lady!

At least you admit it!

I agree with the rest of the moms, bite your tongue and leave if you can't stand seeing it done different from how you see it done. Honestly, my husband never really helped me raise the kids when they were little and now I embrace him trying to do anything even if it's different. If it's dangerous then say something but otherwise I'd let it go and let the child learn how different people are so he doesn't grow up unable to cope with things that are different. But ask yourself if it's really dangerous or do you think it's dangerous (child sleeping all day is not dangerous, I subscribe to the idea that humans will sleep for as long as they need it- adults included).

You married him and had a kid with him, but you don't trust him to do the right thing when it comes to your child? I don't get it, honestly. Your way is not the only way, plain & simple. Like others have said, you need to loosen up a lot and let DH do things the way he wants to do them. Your child will be fine and the world will not crumble.

I am not sure if you're a new mom, or not, (kind of sounds like you are!) but if you are, then you'll realize that the perfect plan you have in your head is unrealistic and that you need to be flexible as a parent and spouse, because your child's (and marriage's) needs will change constantly, despite your "perfect plan". Because just when you think things are going smoothly, your LO WILL flip the switch and make you rethink your strategy. It's inevitable.

I do think that overly controlling personalities tend to stem from abnormal levels of anxiety. If you feel it's taking over your life, then it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to someone.

BREATHE!! GIRL!! BREATHE!!!!

You need to let daddy figure it out. He NEEDS to bond with his son. LEAVE the house. Express your breast milk and LEAVE - you married this man. So do you love and trust him or not??? You had a baby with him. So give him a chance to be a dad.

Let him learn about the lights stimulating him. You two NEED to be on the same page. Seriously. Just wait until he's 4 and running between the two of you and asking if he can do something that you will say no to and daddy will say yes to?

You need to breathe. You need to let go of some control. If that means you need therapy to allow you to do that - then do it. COMMUNICATE with your husband WHY you do the things you do. DO NOT criticize him and his decisions. He is the parent too. You are NOT alone in this.

You NEED to help Daddy burp him. You NEED to let Daddy feed him. Even before 1 year, children pick up on parental body language, stress, voice tone, etc. so if you are apprehensive about leaving - your son will pick up on that. If Daddy is nervous - HE will pick up on that. You have GOT to let them bond.

BREATHE!!! BABY!! BREATHE!!!! It WILL be okay. You CAN let go and let Daddy do things...just because it's NOT YOUR WAY doesn't mean it's wrong. It's what WORKS FOR YOU....Your son's relationship with his dad will be VERY different from YOUR relationship with your son. Let them find their way.

For daily routines - get on the same page. Compromise - tell him why you prefer YOUR way. Let him TRY HIS WAY...if it works for him - GREAT!! If not? He has learned something....

being a parent is NOT easy. babies don't come with instruction booklets...and there are times when we don't want to be our parents...

GOOD LUCK!!

Hi, H.,
First of all, you need to feel proud of yourself for admitting a challenge that you have, and that you are aware of it. Many people have a mask on and don't know who they are, so being transparent, you are on the high ground towards divine guidance.

Usually, control issues come from childhood. When a parent does not protect a child or include him/her in the life of the family, he/she becomes controlling.

Now with the issue of baby and Dad. Have you taught Dad all the things you know about when the baby is fussy? Like feeding, burping, changing the diaper, playing with him.....anything else you might know to help him meet the baby's needs.

If you have, tell Dad to take care of the problem while you are out.
It sounds like Dad is failing to soothe the baby while you are out.

Maybe you and Dad need to have a conversation about the issues instead of thinking you are the controlling one. Maybe he is failing to learn how to soothe the baby. Just think about how good he would feel if the baby was crying and he did something that made the baby happy. WOW! he would feel like a man.

Good luck.
D.