Daddy/Baby Bonding Issues

When I have a fussy baby I can't soothe I put it in a stroller and take it outside for a walk. Works every time.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Congratulations on your baby!!

Your son is picking up on your husband's nervousness and reacting to it.
Tell your husband HE'S GOT THIS...and the BREATHE!!! He doesn't have to be perfect. He just needs to love his son.

Another thing? Your husband might be wearing cologne or something that is affecting your son and since he doesn't have words, he has his cry to let you and everyone know he's not comfortable or something isn't right.

It's possible your husband is nervous and holding him tighter than he needs to. My husband did that with our first son....he was SCARED TO DEATH he was going to drop him, so he held on tight...

Your husband needs to relax...just like my husband had to relax. HOW do you that, you ask? Well, for my husband, what works was:

* Using the baby carrier and going for a walk with the dog around the block.

* Learning to talk smoothly and softly...you know how women get that high pitched voice when talking to babies?? Yep..men don't get that...

* Learning about your son - what makes him feel good. Our son did NOT like facing my husband's chest in the carrier - he would cry more...he turned him around - like I did...viola! happy kid!! He could SEE the world!!

* My husband started putting on classical music and "dancing" with our son in the carrier..or just in his arms...it was consistent...Vivaldi and Beethoven was what he did and would "waltz" around the room....find what works for them...

You need to have confidence in your husband too. Tell him he can do this and it just takes time...I know that's not what he wants to hear, but it's not always instantaneous...even with mom's...breathe...you BOTH have got this!

Chances are, your husband tenses up as soon as baby starts getting fussy. The baby doesn't feel secure being held by someone who can't relax. This will mostly take time and experience, but you can 'encourage' both of them to relax with sights sounds and smells that put them at ease. Try having him use a t-shirt that you have worn as a burp cloth (it will smell like you), or a song that you play often.

PS Does he facial hair? My youngest couldn't stand anyone with a mustache or beard. It took us two years to figure out why she screamed every time she saw Santa.

this isn't about 'bonding', it's about your husband needing to relax and enjoy his son.

Tyler didn't handle the "baby" year well, a lot of men don't. It takes time.

I know that smells and touch in infants are powerful. Your son is used to your smell but not his daddy's. Tyler grew a beard when he was deployed and came back when our youngest was just at 7 months (yes he was not home for the birth) and our son did not like his beard. Tyler ended up shaving it off and all was well.

With our oldest son, Tyler used a spicy aftershave. We noticed our son would cry in the morning when daddy was saying bye-bye but would be okay later in the day. Tyler changed aftershave to something "cool" and no more problems.

Have your husband put him in the stroller or in a carrier and walk around.

I agree with posters about your son picking up on your husband being nervous!

I wonder if part of the problem is that your son might still smell you after you feed him and he's in daddy's arms and he still wants you.. Babies have a great sense of smell. I wonder is it might help if daddy had something of yours to hold (t-shirt, bra, etc) that smell like you while he's rocking baby to sleep. That sometimes helps sooth lithe ones.

Have daddy keep trying. That bond is so important! Good luck.

I would encourage your DH to work out how he can soothe his son, and remind him that it's not personal. Maybe you can show him how you hold your son or you can encourage babywearing, etc. Please also bear in mind that the time of day may impact your baby's crying. Some babies sleep all day and cry all night, so anyone who has him at night is going to get wailed at. Reassure your husband that crying doesn't mean he's doing "wrong". It just that the cry is the baby's only word right now. Praise him when he's doing right. Keep giving him the baby when baby is calm or sleepy and let him do baths or anything else he might enjoy with his son. Maybe your dad can also be a resource for your husband, if he's spending a lot of time with the grandbaby. Man to man and all that.

I'm with your husband on the 'tough it out' part because no one wants to listen to an infant in distress. Would your husband consider putting the baby in a sling of front carrier? That way he could easily wear the baby while going about his day and your son will feel the motion and warmth and probably be pretty happy.

Daddy gets tense and nervous with crying baby, and baby knows it. It makes him cry more.

Tell your hubby to turn the TV to a funny station and concentrate on the show, or turn on some soothing music. That will help him relax, and then baby will stop crying so much.

•Change of air. Go inside, or go outside. Go for a walk. Go to a different room. Change of scenery & surrounding.
•Tell your husband to TALK a LOT to the baby. About his day at work, the weather, the stock market, football scores--doesn't matter what. Just. Talk.
•Vary his voice: high, low. Fast, slow. Whisper, speak louder. Impressions might be a hit. He can try Donald Duck or Rodney Dangerfield.
•Have Dad read a book to him. Any book. Or a magazine.
Basically dad needs confidence and he needs to feel comfortable doing things he normally might do.
Good luck!

With our son the first 8 weeks was the hardest.
I know he slept sometimes but it SEEMED like he cried 24/7.
We were all exhausted.
Our son was soothed by car rides.
One time - it was 2am in the morning and the crying had just seemed endless.
We all got in the car and Hubby drove us around the airport.
For 30 wonderful minutes child slept and we enjoyed the quiet!
Soon as we pulled into the driveway and turned the car off the crying started up again.
After that first 8 weeks he was such a happy baby.
If car rides are comforting to your child, maybe Daddy can take him on a car ride to sooth him.

Is your husband tense around the baby?
I wouldn't worry too much. Some men aren't raised to hold, cuddle or even know what to do w/ babies. My husband liked to be around more when they were older.

Don't worry too much !

Like Sarah and Robert E., I wonder if your hubs gets tense when the baby starts fussing. Babies pick up on that and the more anxious and stressed the parent, the more anxious and stressed the baby. I also agree that it may help for dad to have something that smells like you when holding the baby.

Good luck - this must be soooo frustrating for poor dad.

I think your husband is too nervous, too tense, or too unwilling to show his soft side. He's afraid of not being successful, and either he's giving up too soon or the baby is picking up on his agitation. Your husband has to try new positions, including lying down the the baby and stroking his head or patting his back. He may not have had much experience with this, but I think it's a mistake to always take a baby away from Dad and give him to a woman (Mom or Grandma). My husband was a very hands-on dad because he had a very demonstrative and physical father - his dad was a barrel chested man who worked in auto body, tires and motor sports (so a lot of people assumed he was a "tough guy"). But he was very comfortable being loving and gentle and so on. I think your husband needs more practice but I think if he does some skin-to-skin cuddling or wears a sling or Baby Bjorn so the baby can get used to being held securely (vs. by nervous hands), they will work it through. Your husband is able to rock the baby to sleep so he's capable - although some people think rocking to sleep is a problem because the baby can't self-soothe and put himself back to sleep. So you might want to think that through. It may be that the baby has more trouble calming down during the daylight, or your husband is more distracted or nervous or picking up on other stimuli and just not as relaxed as he might be. Tell him to focus on his breathing - slow and deep - and maybe consider some quiet music to calm both of them down. It's okay to walk around too - sometimes babies need that movement.

I agree with what has already been said. Especially the carrier or sling. That will REALLY quiet an infant.

However, also - Some parents and kids "jive" at different stages. Some parents have a really hard time bonding with the fragile, can't communicate, poo & sleep all the time stage. Typically (and I hate to gender stereotype, b'cuz it's not ALL) Dad's have a harder time with the newborn (and then the teenage girl) stage. But when his son is 3 and kick around a ball in the backyard and do belly flops in the pool and ride a bike and dig worms out of the mud...... Dad will be all about spending time with Jr.

So, for now...... can you separate your workload into activities that are more structured for your husband to do? So, for example..... if your son likes bathtime.... let your hubby bathe Jr while you are gone. If he's doing well with a bottle, he can feed Jr. Between bath and feeding - that can be an hour of time.

Does your son like to be swaddled? We would not have made it through the first month without a *woombie* that's the brand name we bought, but any type of "sleep sack" that swaddles would probably work. That will give a baby security.

Is your husband comfortable with newborn "play"? Which is essentially just talking in an animated voice to the baby. That can make people feel silly, if they don't know what to do.
I LOVE the scene in Three Men & a Baby when Tom Selleck is reading the boxing magazine article to the baby. Let Dad know that it doesn't matter WHAT he reads.... as long as he talks in an animated, soft voice.

Also, if he just talks out loud that can help soothe the baby... "now, we're going to go into the kitchen. How about if we sit on the couch". As long as he does it in a soothing voice. Sometimes just hearing Mom or Dad talk will quiet a baby.

I think you are overthinking this as it relates to bonding. He can bond in other ways if he is no good at soothing. Its totally normal for babies to just want mom. Its your smell, your voice- you're the mom! I also found my mother did better at soothing our babies than my husband or my MIL and it was not for lack of technique or effort that I could tell. It was such a distinct preference, we all noticed it, acknowledged it and concluded that it might have something to do with the cushiness on the bosom. My mom and I have ample bosoms, and my MIL and my husband are quite bony up top. I could see that my MIL put a lot of effort into soothing our babies, and so did dad, but it was to no avail. When babies are not even able to hold their heads up, they meld into you body, and breasts are supper handy for this purpose. They are like pillows. Sometimes my husband had some luck with wearing the baby. So if you have an Ergo baby carrier, those can really help. Otherwise, let it go. Its not his strength and not likely going to be. I found my husband did much better at entertaining our older kids, bonding through play, and helping the family out in other ways, like making a simple spaghetti dinner. Even past the new born stage, moms are often the only thing babies want. Dads time will come (around age 2 kids will often develop a preference for dad). He will find other ways to bond.

----the baby bjorn is no good for soothing a baby because its outward facing. If you can, invest in an Ergo- best $120 i ever spent on baby.

My husband was never really comfortable with handling our kids as babies. I know we are supposed to be all modern and equal and all that but he was just awful with them until they were walking and talking. I know a lot of men are like this. I think the baby is picking up on your husband's nervousness and discomfort, that's all. Just let him do what works for him (bath time maybe?) and don't force it. The bond will come, I promise, but in the mean time, at this age and at the end of the day your baby wants YOU most of all, it's natural, so try to enjoy it while you can!

I never pushed it. If my husband was uncomfortable I took the baby back. I eventually left him with them when they could walk and talk to go on weekend retreats etc and he bonded with them just fine. Babies are supposed to be attached to their mothers.
Now I did know one friend who NEVER left her kids with her husband even when they were in like the fourth grade. She said he was uncomfortable. Now that was weird.

my hub would hodl a happy baby.. for a while.. but whenever they cried.. he said they were hungry and handed them back to me... most dads get better with kids when they are a bit older.

I think they're bonding just fine. There's just that magical point when baby just doesn't want daddy anymore. Do these times seem to happen regularly? Try and take note, it might help you two. If you know that baby has a one hour "daddy timer" then you can be ready to take him back before the fuss.

We have a saying, "Daddy scares the monsters, Mommy heals the boo-boos." Sometimes Mom is the thing of amazing and awesome sauce, sometimes it's Dad.

i don't think there are many guaranteed methods in this situation. your husband is already doing everything right. sometimes it just takes some time for everyone to get accustomed to everyone else.
it doesn't, however, sound right that your baby is REALLY just fine for everyone BUT your husband. i'm guessing that either the experienced grandparents are simply not as bothered by occasional fussing as the baby's brand new daddy.
my guys just ripped off the bandaid. mommy went to work, and there was daddy, clueless and all on his own with a 5 week old. no one got any sleep the first night, and not much the second. after that they were best buddies, and it was mommy getting getting booted out of bed on saturday mornings to make room for the guys and their bonding time!
:) khairete
S.