Helping HUBS and Baby Get Along

I think your techniques are right on. I suggest that when he asks for your help that you model for him what you've suggested. He picks up baby, you talk to baby. Then the three of you get involved in something happy.

I would add that perhaps moving baby away from what he shouldn't be involved with, instead of picking him up might allow baby to feel less "controlled." Be leaving him on his feet he'll still have some control over his body. This is an age when babies need more independence.

I think that your husband has given you the go-ahead to micromanage for a spell, just to get them going. Just do it in an encouraging way and not a nagging way. Some people just don't know what to do with a baby. Once they get their groove with comforting and putting to sleep, then the baby changes overnight and has different needs that require more activity. Not only does that require a switch that everybody can't pull off at the drop of a dime, but it also can make one feel insecure. "I thought I had this down, but now it's different." "Knowing what to do for my baby should come naturally to me, but it's not."

Your husband is recognizing you as the authority on caring for your son. If you want to maximize his input, teach him. Feel free to micromanage, especially when he's asking for it.

Let your husband be as much of a parent as you are. He shouldn't watch the baby for you, he should be actively parenting, just as you are. A one year old does not want to be held, he wants to be active and play. You may need to do some more toddler proofing of your home so that your son can explore without getting into things that he should not. If your husband doesn't know what to do with a baby, have him watch you as you play with the baby. If he hasn't had much exposure to babies, he just may not know how to play with them. It might also help to sign up for a parent and me class, like at a baby gym, where dh can observe and learn ways to play with the baby.

My husband always felt like our son didn't like him for the first 18 months. I think the best thing to do is, if you're home first, make a big deal about it when daddy walks in the door. "Daddy's home!" And model for your son the excitement you'd like to see. Ask the caregiver if they can talk about daddy throughout the day. Sounds silly, but it seemed to help us. I think my son just didn't understand--daddy was only around at night and on weekends, and he didn't know where daddy went the rest of the time. We also went to meet daddy for lunch at his work once, which seemed to help (I think my son was a little older at that point, maybe 2). I think things will soon change, because your son will be able to do more and play more and interact more with your husband in a father/son type way. My husband says he felt things REALLY changed when we went to Sesame Place for a day when my son was 18 months old. I guess going on the rides together, bonding that way maybe? So maybe there's something fun they can do some weekend--you can of course go, but just let their relationship bond naturally, and let dad do more of the care that weekend maybe? Things like a day out with thomas (google it). It can probably be anything, as easy as a trip to the pumpkin patch, to the park, but let dad take over a bit. Hope this helps.

My DH is a father of 3 and he still had/has moments with DD where his feelings get hurt because she prefers me or she doesn't want to play with him right then.

What do you notice that DS likes to do? Play with blocks (or kick them down)? Run? Go for walks? Maybe the way to handle it is for DH to get down and play with DS in the way he currently likes to play. DS is transitioning from baby to toddler and he wants to MOVE so DH will need to move, too. DH should also communicate with DS - toddlers understand more than we realize. Maybe encourage DH to share things *he* likes - books, music, etc. You could get the ball rolling by giving them a task. Give him a small rake for DS and shoo them outside to rake (or harass) the leaves.

My SD has also struggled with DD as she's gotten older and DD has more opinions and doesn't just want to be held and snuggled. It's not a DS thing. It's a kid thing.

Instead of micromanaging your DH, give general comments. For instance, you said "get down on the floor and get him involved in a new activity" which is micromanaging. Instead, say what you told us -- DH, when you pick him up he's now bored, so he needs a new activity. That leaves the activity up to DH. Mine has the kids "walk" on the ceiling, plays games with them on his tablet, and other things that are uniquely Dad things. You might also want to include a general comment about adapting and changing strategy's as your son grows older. If he asks, you can give him examples of how you manage situations, but I have found it is better to let dad think about it and support him in how he handles the situation, while standing up for the fact that I handle it differently. Kids have two parents for a good reason -- not all problems need to be solved the same way every time.

I agree with the other mamas - I just wanted to point out that this is a good time to educate your hubs on the fact that this never ending change of strategy will be in effect until Kindergarten, when it slows, but doesn't stop (ie what works in K doesn't in 1st grade. Then 3rd grade is different, then he's a tween, then he hits puberty etc etc etc). So, it's a good idea to get him used to focusing more on how your son is interacting before hubs interacts - basically child-centered model of interaction.

It's good that he recognizes what he's doing isn't the best and wants your input. I would just remind him too that boys want to be more active and sorta point out the difference between re-direction (where he's moved from one activity fluidly into another that is more acceptable) and time-out (where his behavior is expected to cease for a designated amount of time before he is allowed to re-engage). Hubs is basically using a form of time out when he picks him up and holds him still, so let him know to use more re-direction instead and he might find son is more responsive.

I think it's just wonderful that he is asking for guidance! He obviously sees that what you do is working, so he wants your help. I don't really see it as micromanaging when he is asking. Be kind and patient and show him what you do instead of just telling him how he should do it. Good luck :)