Child Custody/Parenting Mediation

I would include when and how medical/doctor visits and bills would be taken care of when needed. School visits or school choices when that subject arrives. I know that is two subjects that can be important.

Good luck!

T.

This will probably be a bit long - but well-meaning...

I am a trained mediator both in Civil Mediation and Parent-Child Access Medation. I thought it might be helpful to give you some of the "hot items" from the lists in my PCA training manual...many of the issues noted seem "small" but they can become huge if not addressed ahead of time...I hope this helps...

Parenting Plan Checklist (many mediators supply this to the parents either ahead of time or at the first session):

Custody
Residency
Decision Making (this is a big one...more later)
Visitation
Schedules (including unplanned events such as b-day parties, school events, etc.)
Access during illness of the children
Holidays
Mother's/Father's Day (esp. if it doesn't fall on "their" weekend
Summer & school vacations
Open telephone access
Extended family rights and obligations (visiting grandparents, family events, etc...especially when it conflicts with the visitation schedule)
Geographic relocation
Maintaining the family name
Future Changes - how will these be handled

The Holiday Schedule List to be address:
Mother's Day
Father's Day
Labor Day
Memorial Day
July 4th
Easter
Halloween
Thansgiving
Christmas Eve/Day
New Year's Eve/Day
Parent's Birthdays
Child/ren's Birthdays
Vacations

Now...random stuff....

Decisions, decisions, decisions! For example: If your child wants to play an instrument, take dance lessons, play a sport...who provides transportation - if the games/practices, etc. overlap, are both parents commited to getting the child there? Who pays? If it is important to one parent, but not the other, how does this compromise the child? Things like private schools and summer camps can also fall into this area of "in the best interest of the child." (on a personal note: From your bio it appears your daughter is still young...as they get older - their schedules become ridiculous! My oldest son is 12 and plays lacrosse - he has practice 3 days during the week and on Saturdays - when games start, there are weeks he has practice and/or games nearly every day)

A good strong mediation plan should have a very clear process for decision making. Especially FUTURE decision making. I have a handout in my notes on "Decision-Making Steps" taken from "Children of Divorce: Parent Education Manual" by Kenneth H. Waldron, Ph.D. The steps to effective decision making steps are as follows (bear in mind that some of these might seem dumb NOW...but the longer you are away from your former spouse, the more your respective lives change and your parenting plan is a good way to establish clear guidelines for handing future issues - especially as your daughter grows older and HER needs, interests and expectations of both of you change):

1. Make an appointment: if a decision needs to be made, contact the other parent as soon as possible and arrange a time to discuss the issue. This "appointment" can be a telephone conversation but it might need to be something that the two of you sit down to discuss. (note: mentioning something about an issue in passing a pick-up or drop-off time is generally NOT a good idea - it directly involves the child whether intended or not).

2. Discuss the information necessary to make an informed decision in your CHILD'S best interest: decide and make a plan to gather information that will be helpful in making a decision. Make an appointment to discuss this information. One or both parents can gather information.

3. Share the information: when you speak, share what you have gathered. If more info is required or there is conflicting information, repeat Step 2.

4. Brainstorm Options: the key is to have numerous options to discuss so that you do not beocme involved in a power struggle and locked into your own position. Try to have at least 2 options to present. Remember, you are trying to make an informed decision based on your CHILD'S needs...not win an argument.

5. choose and option: If you have followed the above steps, the "best" option will usually be pretty obvious. If it's not or if it requires more thought, "sleep in it", take a break and regroup at a later time, try it out and see how it works for a fixed period of time, stay on task...don't bring other issues in for discussion that might cloud this topic, bring in an "expert" (this can also involve returning to your mediator to work through this issue).

6. Recap - after the decision has been made...how will it be implemented (who will pay, who will drive, etc...who is responsible for what.

The other big thing that leaps out at me in flipping through this is "Transitions"...picking up and dropping off and vice versa. Here is a list I found (some of this does not apply directly to the parenting plan, but it's good stuff):

* Do not discuss ANY issues wiht the other parent that are likely to engage you in conflict when transitioning the child.
* Give your child the gift of allowing him or her to observe a brief, positive interaction bewteen Mom and Dad, even if you have to fake it!
* Establish a routine - have children ready for pick-up and prepared to be returned to the other parent's home.
* Be punctual.
* Allow transitional objects to go back and forth between the homes and make sure they are returned
* Do not draw out good-byes at transition time and make them excessively lengthy or too emotional
* Be aware of what your child needs for the first hour upon arriving at home.
* Suggest that your child bring a friend or friends with him or her to your home.

OK...that's probably enough from me...what is prevalent over and over is SHARING information and keeping this as conflict-free as posisble for your child. This is about the well-being of the child - not the conflicts between the parents.

All of that said...here's my personal story...(quickly, I promise). My parents split up when I was 2 - Dad went to Viet Nam, Mom moved home from overseas with me and in with her parents. When Dad came home from Viet Nam, Mom didn't want him to come home to her.

There were other comments posted about rigid schedules that both parents and children resented. I was lucky to some extent - my parents were always geographically very far apart - I went to visit one month per year in the summer.

He fulfilled his obligation - and generally nothing more. I would usually get an obligatory call on my b-day and Christmas...but not always. I questioned his love for me and resented it immensely the older I got. Thankfully my mother was my rock. She never said a bad word about him, and I still thank her for that. He and his second wife would bad mouth my mother the entire time I was with them.

The older I got, the smarter I got. My mom knew that eventually I would make my own decision about my father - not based on her feelings - and I did. I'm 38 and I think it was about 3 years ago that my mom finally blurted out something to the effect of "your father was always such a selfish jerk!" and even then, she bit her tongue and said, "I shouldn't have said that out loud." I told her it was OK - I figured that out on my own long before.

I respect my mother for what she DIDN'T do and say...to me and in front of me. She's a therapist, I'm sure that helped...but she did what she had to do and always allowed him the access to me by phone, etc. that he wanted - but never forced me to call him. He rarely called me - but when he did, I would float for DAYS! She never got in the way of that, but was there to pick up the pieces when he broke my heart again by NOT calling.

I am sorry this went on and on - hopefully at least some of this information will be helpful for you tomorrow! Good luck!!!

M.,
I am not sure how much this will help you, but the best suggestion that I can give you is make sure that you are always available for your daughter. My mom was a single mom and I had a set visitation schedule with my father. For as long as I can remember I hated it. My father was not flexible with the schedule. If it was his day to visit, but I had a Birthday party to go to it was too bad, it was his day. As I got older I got the feeling that my dad came to visit, because the courts told him that he had to follow the schedule. I think your best bet would be not to force her on her father. I really felt like there were times that my father resented me or made my day horrible, because I had to do what was on his schedule. Your best bet is for the two of you to communicate with each other with what works best for you guys. I don't know what your relationship with him is, but make it a civil one when it comes to your daughter. I could go on for ever with this topic. It really hits home for me. If you want anymore suggestions let me know. ____@____.com
hope it helps - C.

Don't forget to come up with a plan for the summer. Most state guidelines (I think) have a general plan to follow. If your daughter is not yet in school, you should still consider a plan for during the school year so that you don't have to go back & change the current plan. Good luck!

First Kudos on putting your daughter above what sounds to be a really bad situation. The first thing I would suggest you do is not push abvout him doing the right thing. I would make no requests about him calling when she is with you. YOU can not make him be a good father, that is on him. The only things you should worry about are communication being civil in front of your child. That he not bad mouth you to your child, I dont feel the need to say the same to you, you dont sound like a person who behaves that way. And that he bve civil and bvehave like an adult when you have provate parenting discussions. I know your desire is for him have a good relationship with her. Sadly you can not force this, it is all on him. All you can do is be supportive to your child when he lets her down. And Keep a journel of every interaction you have with him be it good or bad. Write down the dates and time every thing between you two happens, you may need this in the future. And track all missed anything, if he commits to a phone call and does not make it, write it down, do not call him when he is to call her. All missed visits, write it down. All good interactions you have with him write those too, but keep really good records of all bad interactions. And remember never react in a negitive manner with him. Even when he deserves to have a new one ripped, dont do it. Remain calm cool and collected at all times. I know this can be the hardest thing to do. Been there done that, getting ready to face it again, I made the mistake of beleliving mine had changed and this time it would be good. Live and learn. What I did learn this time though is to journel everything and to be the better person for my kids sake. So focus on the basic needs of your daughter and let him be the one to do or not do the right thing. You stand tall and proud for youself and your daughter and know someone out there is ending you support and positive energy.

"We must be the change we want to see in the world"
-Gandhi

Abundant Blessings
Trish

When i had my stuff done for my oldest(many years ago)it was 2 out of 3weekends that David went with his dad and than on the weekends i had him(he stayed home)my ex got him the Monday after and the Friday before.
For the longest time my ex wouldn't switch weekends and David missed alot of parties because his dad wouldn't take him(it was HIS weekend with him and wouldn't take him)so he stopped getting invitied for things...it was sad.Now David's almost 13 and he told his dad he wants to do every other weekend and his dad his fine with that.Plus now my ex is willing to work with me on switching weekends and things like that.
Even if you and your ex don't get along you have to do what's best for the child involved.If he doesn't call durning the week you can't force him too,it's hard and sad but my ex NEVER called david during the week..but you guys have to learn to speak to each other about this child.And make sure(and it's hard)not to talk about your ex infront of your child.
But i too could go on and on....Good luck and maybe you should see about your child seeing a therapist to help deal with the divorce and changes that are head.
Good luck,
J.

A friend of mine has in her custody agreement of her son that neither parent can make any major decisions concerning their son without consulting the other. This might be a good thing to put in your custody agreement so that when he does have your daughter, he can't make any major decision without you agreeing to it. I hope this helps.

Hi. Make sure you talk about moving out of the state. I have a 13 year old and in the state of NJ you can not move unless you have permission from the other parent. You never know if a job offer comes up, if you fall for someone one day who has a job that moves them, you really want to check into this. Good Luck.

I went through a similar experience with my daughter's father. You have a good list of things to discuss. In conjuction with "consequences if he does not utilize visitation," I would add timing of pick up at visitation. My daughter's father was notorious for picking her up late. Sometimes, he'd be four hours late to pick her up! That meant that, if I had something planned, my entire day was messed up. When we went to the mediator, we discussed this, and we came up with a half-hour window. Barring real emergencies, he couldn't be more than half-hour late picking up our daughter, or I was free to go on with my plans and he would forfeit the visit. Just a thought...

M.,

Mediation is a tough thing, I am in a simialr situation, except now there is a step mother involved who is trying to be an over achiever!! My suggestions is to ensure you get all you want in writing and unfortunately as your daughter gets older it does not get easier.... just remember do not try to make your soon to be ex-husband see or call your daughter is he does not want to..... just be the best parent you can be!!! Your daughter will find out on her own about her father.... good, bad or indifferent... trust me..... I pushed to hard and now my daughter is made to go see her father and she does not want to!! Good Luck and if you need a name of a good lawyer I have one..... Good Luck and My prayers are with you!!!

Hi M., I myself have been through this. With my sons father he is suppose to have him every other sunday from 10am to 7pm which has never happened. He doesnt even call to see how he is doing and if he does it isnt too often. Yeh my son knows he has a father and the sad part is he doesnt even ask about him, every so often he will say about wanting to go see him and i usually do not deny him of that. I will say it is pretty bad when i have to ask his father to watch him so i can work or even do something else. If it wasnt for my family and friends i really dont know what i would do alot of the time. I do know that it is a rough time to go through and is very frustrating, my theory is if he doesnt have the time or care to have the time to see his child then its his loss, i'm not sure exactly what your situation is with him but sometimes it is better off when they are not in their life, i know it doesnt seem right to say but its true. Yeh its alot on you, but you do and will get by. I love my son but there are days that i wish his father would take him more but you do learn to deal and handle the situations. As far as school and things go i know the way it is set up with me is that he can call and ask about his grades and call the doctors, any other situations that arise i can ask him about them and what he thinks but the final say comes from me no matter what he says about it. But if i was you i would make sure that he has your permission to go out of state with your daughter just to be on the safe side. I wish you all the luck with everything.

Hey M.,
Good luck I went through that years ago and my x didn't even show up for half of the meetings and they still did joint cust. I really thought it was a waste of time. He faught me tooth and nail for our daughter and then his parents would take care of her, until finally he found somone else and was done with her all together and finally let my husband adopt her. Just make sure you think of everything like vacations, religion, Holidays, schooling, etc. Best of luck !

You may never change his ways,but that's ok. you'r little girl will grow to know who she can always depend on. YOU!!! To often it seems one parent steps up doing what is best fot the child while the other doesn't. Not that both don't love their kids, some people just get stuck on selfish. I've been where you are and found for me all I could do is put my best foot first. What my x did well that is something he lives with today. Kids do remember!

Good luck

T.

Hi M.,
I would add birthdays to that list. Your birthday and the childs as well. You can alternate years or split the day somehow.

If you have a custody agreement and your EX doesn't show up for scheduled pick up I do believe you can file a contempt charges with the police, provided you have your paperwork. Enough contempt charges and he will definitely get custody taken away. Perhaps you could bring this question up with the mediator to confirm this is in fact still true. Doing it in front of your EX will send him a message too!

I would also request that all medical care/medications given be communicated with you.

Good luck!

Dear M. Does your baby girl have Health insurance,or dental insurance that should be discussed on who will be providing that for her..

Schooling also should be discussed if your daughter is in preschool..
Hope all goes well good luck to you and your baby girl..

this is all I can think of at the moment hope it helps..
Diane M

hey there again, i went through this, so you have everything in order, but do remember to ask about vac, him taking her out of state like to the beach, my ex has to give me 1 week notice, and i have to know where they will be.as far if he misses a visit in northampton co , i know for sure it does not matter, but if you refuse to give him your daughter you can get introuble, it seems a bit backwords but the if you get a nice person they will explain, or just call and best to have your laywer there , if you feel ok that he wont give you problems you can go alone, but then you never know. if she is close to 5 you need to discuss school that if is visit falls on a school day or not, also i made sure i listed if they were invited to a bday party on his week, he needs to take them. remember your mommy they will the courts are going to let you call her, you will be ok . good luck

You do realize you can't force someone to use their visitation rights? The courts grant visitation rights but that does not mean they have to make use of them. Also to my knowlege there is no penalty for not taking advantage of one's visitation rights so perhaps that might be a bit unrealistic.

What you should ask for is notification from your soon to be ex if he does not plan on exercising his visitation rights on his day. Also do not build up visitation day to your daughter just in case he does not show up because then she will feel hurt.

Both parents will have to act as grown ups other wise it does not matter what is set up.

I didn't see your last message, and please disregard this if it is way off base-I know this situation is very difficult and heartbreaking. According to this message, your husband decided to ignore your daughter for 3 months. And you are seeking "consequences if he doesn't utilize visitation" as one of your points at your meeting, which paints the picture that he needs to be forced to parent your daughter properly. Your heart is definitely in the right place trying to provide your daughter with a father figure for all the reasons that having one is important. However, it doesn't sound like he will be there in an honest loving way, even if the court forces him to-which to an extent-they really can't force him to. Remember that her future is very bright, and so is yours. In the present, you have each other. In time, you may have a wonderful man who cares about you and knows how to set an example of selflessness and love for her. Forcing her "real dad" can be painful for her when she's old enough to realize he doesn't really want to be with her. With that in mind, try to strike a balance between forcing him to "man up", and sparing her the trauma of dashed expectations as she gets older. If she learns he doesn't love her first and foremost in his life, she'll pick a husband who doesn't value her when she gets older. It's truly his (her father's) loss. She is still young enough to bounce back if she doesn't witness too much more disappointment caused by him. Again, if you could force him to be a good dad it would be great. But you can't. Make your first priority in the meeting to focus on protecting your own parenting rights and your daughters sanity rather than on what he "has" to do. Ask for everything you really want for yourself and for your daughter. The less responsibility and privileges he has the better. If you state what he should be "excluded from" or "not have rights to", he may end up being driven to do more with her of his own volition (this shouldn't be your goal, but it may happen). Again, sorry if this is way off, I've been through something similar, so it struck a nerve! Good luck to you both!

hello M.,

I went through the same thing is 2001 and it was terrible cause things change like someone said about your child wanting to go to a birthday party and the dad not letting them and thats not fair. My son's father and i split things like birthdays if its my weekend I let him see him but only to 4pm or if it his weekend he get him back to me by 4pm. Christmas is one year Christmas Eve at dads house and then my house the next year. As for another problem I had was his fathers family lives in WV so i didn't want him taking my son out of the state so he has to ask me first. I also made it where i claim him on my tax's and not his father oh and nobody picks my son up but his father. Or before you know it he will have his girlfriends and friends to pick up your child.

Well I hope that some of these helped out.

Good Luck

OK, my original response was simply:
"One question to ask yourself... Do you really want to force him to see her? Is that beneficial to her?"

Than I read what Heather W wrote and my new response is:
"Copy heather w.'s response and paste here!!" She hit the nail on the head!!

Best of luck to you. The best advise is simply to love your daughter fully and whole-heartedly and respect that he is her dad, no matter how he acts or doesn't act.

Dear M.,
It's a shame he doesnt realize what a blessing your daughter is to him. But to be on the safe side, also request that he not take her out of the state or country without your consent.Their will be consequences.Good Luck and God Bless!

L.