Please Help with Ex's Girlfriend Issues!!

Dear Misti,
so sorry your daughter has to go thru this. To some extent, there is not much you can do if your ex-husband is not willing to negotiate with you around the girlfriend's behavior. He's allowed to have relationships with whoever he wants and bad parenting is not against the law, as long as it is not actually abusive. It's one of the nasty facts of divorced life.

If he is not willing to put your daughter's best interest's first, you may have to take some legal action. Do you have some type of parenting mediation written into your divorce agreement? Many couples do - I do this for some couples in my private practice as a marriage therapist. Couples agree to see me and try to negotiate issues before going to court, for example. Mediators can be therapists or attorneys. If the two of you cannot work this out, you might ask him to go to a mediator, with the threat that you will take him back to court to change the parenting plan if he doesn't cooperate. The problem with the threat is that a change in parenting plan usually involves a full psychological evaluation of all the adults involved which can be time-consuming and costly, so it is definitely not a threat to offer lightly. You might want to consult an attorney and get some names of mediators in your area, so you'd be prepared to give your ex some names. That way he'll see you are very serious about this problem.

take care, S.

hugs on it. take care of your daughter first just as you are doing. it might be your daughter is a little bit manipulative with your ex...if she isn't getting attention or being cared for she has to be creative in ensuring she gets the things she needs both attention and a safe environment for herself inside an unsafe one. even IF that is true though it is just one more red flag about the situation she enters when she goes to her dads.
talk with your family lawyer about the situation find out what documentation you are going to need to take it to court to get visitation rights changed. if the girlfriend is an alcoholic she shouldn't be around your child. you may need proof of that which would then give you a leg in court to ensure if this woman is around your child that visitation is supervised. your best bet though is to talk to your family lawyer, they will know how to go forward legally in your state, if you can remove your daughter from the situation NOW and work it out in court or what needs to happen.
big hug for you. Big hug for your sweet daughter. and for your husband now--and your other child who has to see what this does to her family. I'm proud of you for being aware and taking care of your child. I wish there was a way to protect kids from adult stupidity. a button we could push or something. lol. but instead there are good people in their lives that help them to heal as the hurts show up and to give them love and affection to grow up into strong fun individuals. God bless in your endeavors.

I only wish we could have such a relationship w/my hubby's ex! I am the stepmom, we now have one of their boys living with us. Dealing with her is second in horribleness only to dealing with our 13 YOs behavior that she let go on for 13 years unchecked.
It sounds like she's not willing to sit down & discuss things with you. Make the offer anyway. Let her know that you see that she's willing to be a part of your daughter's life & you'd love for her to be & would like to discuss-just the two of you-how you can best mother your daughter together. (Yes, you'll be seething on the inside but it's what she sees that counts-she'll see calm, grownup, as long as you put it out there that way & it'll make any negative stuff she does look that much more petty)
I was rather hands-off for the first couple of years of marriage. I thought they were his kids, I wasn't sure where my place was, so I erred on the side of caution & hung back. Now that he's at school & she's washed her hands of the 13 YO he's ALL mine to take care of. I can't imagine coming in after 2 weeks & trying to play mommy! After 10 years of marriage & 2-3 years of them living w/us (off & on for summer visits & the short time each has lived w/us), I'm just now starting to feel at home in my stepmom role.
I hope I didn't ramble. I think your best bet is to try to get her to sit down-maybe you could leave a message w/your ex, or talk to her in front of him, just to make sure everybody sees that you're willing to make this work but can't do it all. As for the drinking, are you financially able to get an attorney to draft a few letters for you? It might just take 1 "if the excessive drinking does not stop she won't be able to come stay" letter to sober them up-at least while she's there, which is what you want the most anyway.
And to stop the nasty exchange faces... compliment her. That'll show her! lol Point out her nice shirt, or how her hair looks really great today. She won't know how to take it & it'll stop the face in a heartbeat.
Good luck! I can tell you that being the stepmom-even if you don't have the marriage certificate to legally call yourself such-is really hard work. I was 22 when hubby & I met & maybe that's why I was so hands-off. If nothing else works, threaten to take her hands off if she doesn't back off... (kidding, but hopefully it gave you a chuckle or at least a smile)
Good luck!!
*just read your update* My sister found out that there's a list (at least there was in Indiana when she did her divorce a few years back) of lawyers willing to do pro bono cases. I'd contact your local courthouse-maybe on a Tuesday afternoon (the Monday court nonsense is over & the week hasn't really started yet as far as badness) & see if they can offer you any help, or at least a place to go for some help. My dad's advice is always (off-color so I have to edit it) to see how NOW (national organization of/for women) can help.

The girl is a recovering alcholoic who is drinking again. And your ex and she are spending more time drinking than with your daughter. This is dangerous behavior and not an environment you would want to put a 9 year old in. Document everything you can remember and anything more that happens (for example, every time your daughter calls, write down the time and what she says). Tell your ex that your daughter will not be spending the night in a house where there is drinking, etc. going on. And it might be wise to contact your lawyer or someone else in the legal field. If his behavior is putting your daughter at risk, he doesn't deserve any custody (although day visits, maybe supervised visits even might be appropriate).

Please remove your daughter from this situation! Your ex, as you stated, is uninvolved and looking for a replacement mother. It's very obvious his girlfriend does not want to be that person. The only one truly being hurt is your daughter. He doesn't deserve custody and your daughter should be removed from that abusive environment immediately. Perhaps fighting for full custody will wake him up, I'm betting not. Please be thankful she has a wonderful stepdad to fill those shoes. When she is older let her show you when she's ready to spend time with her dad again.

There's no reason to make your daughter suffer. If she doesn't want to go, don't make her. There's no reason to torture her by forcing her into a situation that she doesn't want to be in.

You should really take into consideration what your daughter is saying. If she normally over exaggerates things, then you know that she could be on this. My boys are a little younger, 8 and 5, but I know that if they told me that they didn't want to go visit their dad because of the girlfriend, I would not put them in a that situation. She obviously doesn't feel safe or loved and is reaching out for you to help her. Being a divorced mom myself, I know the headache and heartache it would take to revoke parenting privileges of the other parent. Maybe you could talk with the ex and let him and your daughter know that she is your number one priority and subjecting her to a damaging and hurting environment wont be tolerated anymore. Grant it, you can't control every move that the ex husband makes, but you can make the choice not to let your daughter feel the repercussions of his poor choices. I am so sorry that this happens. My heart goes out to you. Just be strong, and make the best choice for your daughter, even if it isn't the easiest choice. It may bring the happiness you both need.

Hi M.,
I would listen to your daughter and to your gut. Your daughter is old enough to understand the whole situation and she has chosen to not see her father anymore but you're forcing her too and she'll end up resenting you for it too. I would take the legle action and take full custody then if your ex wants to see his daughter he has to do it on your terms and then you know exactly whats going on and who is with her. My neighbor is divoriced and she has 2 girls ages 10 and 8 and both of them know exactly the kind of jerk their father is and have made it clear to both parents they don't want to see him anymore so their mom has full custody and they see their father maybe once a month, some months not at all, and they are perfectly happy calling their stepfather, Dad. You are the only one looking out for your daughter's best intrest now, do what's best for her, not your ex, don't make her go back.

C.

My greatest suggestion for both you and your ex is to get some Dr. Laura Schlessinger books and/or listen to her daily radio show.

WOW - what a difficult situation. I'm sorry your family is going through this hardship and pain. I have almost no advice to give you, but was so impressed by how you laid out the facts of the situation that I couldn't help wanting to applaud your efforts. I sincerely hope you get some great advice from someone who has come through such a situation. I will however say this and again, I have no experience with family law and custody situations. it sounds to me like the environment and her security in their care is highly questionable. And she is clearly miserable in their care. I'd take it to a lawyer to see how you might amend your previous custody arrangement given the concerns about her welfare in the care of a young, inexperienced, ADDICT who is OFF the WAGON. There has got be a way to protect your daughter from the potential trouble that a person like that would bring to her life. Social services removes children from the care of their own parents for reasons such as this. So by that logic, and the fact that your ex is hardly a model parent when there's a woman in the picture, you could maybe get some other arrangement during these important years of your daughter's life. If your daughter is on board, I think there is a good case against the overnights at their house. It's dangerous to leave her alone, right? Even if they are in the garage (getting loaded). Maybe just lunch on Sundays or something. So if he's not willing to discuss with you her discomfort and blames her for the trouble with his new girlfriend, maybe he'd welcome a period where he didn't have to take her. I know that sounds cruel but maybe, (ideally) in a couple of years when your daughter is an adult and can control the situations to some degree (like being able to drive herself home when things get weird), then she can have a different and improved relationship with her dad. But given her age, I'd find a way to end the weekend overnight visits. Any judge would agree that the situation is not good for a young teen. Good luck to you, your grasp and articulation of the dreadful situation, indicates to me that you will be successful in finding a solution in your child's best interest.

I have 5 daughters from a previous marriage. My ex has remarried and most of my girls do not like her. She doesn't seem to like them either. I have full custody and my ex has visitation. He has them every other weekend and one night a week. I've told them they do not have to go with him if they don't want. Fortunately, my ex allows this also so does not force them to go with for visitation. You should find out what the law says where you are as far as letting the child choose whether or not they want to visit the other parent. You might even want to call child services and tell them the situation with the adults while you daughter is there visiting. It's possible they could do something. Consulting an attorney might also be something you want to do. Good luck, I feel for your little girl and your family. It's painful to see your child treated badly.

Hello,
1st I think I would try to have a sit down conversation with your "X" (while sober) & daughter, and let your daughter voice her feelings. If he won't accept what she has to say, then let him know that his visitation is going to have to be shortened, no more over night stays. That it is too stressful on your daughter & she doesn't like having to go over to his house anymore. Besides, it can be dagerous for your daughter to be over there while they are drinking. This I know from experience, my x is a big time alcholoic.

If he tries fighting you on new visitation schedule, then I would check into his visitation being suupervised, but still no over night stays.

It all comes down to where your x needs to make a choice- his daughter or his alcohol. This decision would of course need to include his new girl friend & her control over how much she drinks whenever your daughter is visiting.

I'm sorry that your daughter has to go through such pain. I will never be able to understand the mind of an alcoholic. Booze always wins over what is suppose to be the apple of their eye, ALWAYS.

Good luck,
C.

Ask the court for supervised visits.

Does your ex even care if she is there or not? Is she only going because that is the schedule? He may actually be okay letting her decide if she wants to go over that week or not. If that works, you don't have to take custody away, and just let your daughter choose what she wants to do. She is old enough to have a say in where she has to go, and if he won't respect that, then you can have the custody arrangement revisited.

M., Dear,
this is an abusive situation for your daughter:
in the Court house of your town, they have an office called VICTIM SERVICES: they provide help, advice, support for free: I would suggest you please go there asap and ask them how to be: they've seen and heard a lot, they are professionals and very caring people: they will tell you what options there are, and you will have a choice, but please do not leave it as it is now: your daughter by no means does not need such an awful stress!!!
Good luck, and let all turn out for better!!!