BBQ Disagreement with Hubby

Trying to imagine a world where a bedtime is so early I need to LEAVE at A Sunday barbecue at 4:30. And why on earth I would accept a dinner BBQ invitation if I did live there..

In my honest opinion the family that puts their kid to bed so early they have to leave by 4pm needs to not say yes to socializing. I wouldn't want to go to a big cook out in the middle of the afternoon. I'd rather go around 3:30-4pm and hang out then eat around 5 or 6. Too bad they have to put their child to bed so early. That's nuts to me. Put their kid down for a nap in the afternoon or let them sleep late.

I'd have said no thank you and stayed at home. Or I might have hired a babysitter and went out to have a nice evening with friends.

I guess I don't get it. YOU are hosting a BBQ and invited people. What exactly did you invite them to, if you didn't have a timeline for the meal in place?

"We are having a BBQ on Sunday and plan to eat around 5:00. We'd love it if you could come. We'll be hanging out, snacking, playing, (volleyball/in the pool/etc... whatever you have planned) starting around 3:00pm. Would love it if you can join us!"

Then they are free to accept or decline. Or accept for part of the event.

Maybe the issue was one of the terms involved. He hears, "Dinner at 3:30" and maybe -- just as you are worried about accommodating the one family with young kids -- maybe HE is worried that the other guests aren't being accommodated, and that they'll find it weird to be told dinner is at 3:30, he might think "But they might have had lunch at 1:00 and not be hungry," etc.

But if you put it as "We're gonna grill, and the grill will be fired up so come any time after 2:00 and we'll throw on a burger/rib/whatever when you're ready to eat" -- that's what a barbecue is, to me. Folks come and go. Sometimes the food's cooked in batches and left on platters for people to eat as they like. It seems as if you've structured it more like a dinner party when BBQs often are more like an open house than a dinner party, in terms of having specific times for the main course, for the dessert, etc.

I'd tell him that you and he should have phrased it as "it's open house on the food" and that he or you can grill this family's food around 3:30 but others can eat then, or wait and you'll grill some stuff a little later for those who stay later.

You can tell the family that has to leave: "We usually eat around 5:00 but of course we'll grill some things around 3:00 so you and the kids can nosh while we talk! No problem."

A family with kids so young that they have to go to bed that early should be quite used to not getting to do everything that families with older kids or no kids get to do. They probably will be fine with the idea that they're munching a burger at 3:30 while others are just having a drink and nachos and eat a burger at 4:30 or 5. And the others will be fine with the idea that "The Smiths are leaving pretty early to get the kids to bed but we'll be cooking more in a while." Any reason why you or husband have to grill all at once, for everyone, and cannot do it in a couple of batches, chatting while you grill?

Is it possible that some nerves about entertaining so many new friends at once have you and your husband a bit on edge with each other and about the "schedule" here? I'd try to relax and would just let all the guests know that it's more like an open house, and that some guests will eat earlier and leave earlier. Both the family with young kids, and the other guests, will understand.

Here's how BBQ's work in my world. We decide which time works best for our family, invite people to the BBQ at that time, and enjoy. If someone needs to get their kiddoes home at a certain time because they turn into mini-incredible Hulks, they can do that, but we don't arrange our entire event around them.

hmph. i say you kick your husband in the kneecap. hard.
i don't think the family of the early-to-bed kid is 'dictating' times to you, they're simply being courteous in letting you know their family boundaries so that you can accommodate (or cancel if that's really necessary) rather than have it be awkward in the moment.
it's a BBQ. BBQs are supposed to be chill and relaxed and fun. mine are even less regimented than your suggestion. we start throwing stuff on the grill whenever people start arriving, and everyone can graze as they see fit. if someone is desperate for a sizzling hot burger, well it can go back on the grill for a few seconds.
no set times for 'serving' dinner or 'rounds' of dessert. anyone who wants cheesecake first is welcome to have it, parental approval required of course.
as for preferring everyone out by 6, have you made that clear?
you do make things hard for yourself, sweetie, and your dh doesn't help out much in that regard. my dh and i don't entertain often, and when we do it's usually family, so i'd probably be a little poinky too if i were having 3 new families over. but we did that sort of thing more when we were still homeschooling, and tried to smooth the path for each other instead of adding to the angst.
i've got a great pair of pointy boots if you want to borrow 'em for the kneecap kick.
khairete
S.

A dinner, when people are seated, and courses are served, usually has a time because of the cooking involved. That was Grandma's Sunday dinner, because the roast was carefully timed, the potatoes were mashed, the gravy was ready, and the family sat together. There's still a place for that, but it's not a casual afternoon friendly BBQ with families.

Just think of this as a lingering lunch, when foods that are cold (salads, fruits, raw vegetables, cheese and crackers) are available on a buffet-style table, properly kept over ice (just put the tray of food over a large bowl or foil pan with plenty of ice in it).

The grill can be kept hot. Some foods, like hot dogs, can be grilled beforehand and kept hot in a crock pot so kids don't have to wait. Burgers can be prepped and kept in a cooler, so that they can just go on the grill to order. They won't take more than a few minutes if they're not giant or superthick or stuffed. Steaks also only take a few minutes. Just have buns and toppings all available on trays.

If you're doing something more complicated like ribs, they can be prepped before as well, slowly baked, then grilled, and then kept in a big crockpot in a delicious sauce, or kept over a slow grill in a big foil pan to stay warm. People can take what they want when they want.

Think of it more as one of those housewarming events where people drop by and eat when they come, and go when they want.

If you're prepared beforehand, with trays of toppings and condiments and breads and rolls, and cold foods already prepped, you can have a relaxed and fun time, without looking at the clock. If one family needs to leave because their child is overtired, or if another family has to leave to go to evening Sunday church services, or if another family comes a little later due to a sporting event or church service, no problem. You'll have more fun that way too.

I hope you have a really fun weekend.

If someone told me they had a 4:30 departure time due to an early sleep schedule I'd think that A) they had another event to attend that evening and were ditching us early; or B) they think the world revolves around them.

Either way, I ditto exactly ChristyLee's advice below!!

This is your house, your party, you are the gracious hostess, inviting and feeding all, you do so according to your time schedule, and if people need to leave early, SO BE IT!! Let it go. Serve some heavy appetizers ( I wanted to say horsedeverous but forgot how to spell that long word)...and let them go when it suits them.

Stop bending over backwards to accommodate unreasonable requests. I can guarantee you if they are new friends and they are already dictating your party hours, they won't be friends for long. You will become very tired and disgruntled with having established this dynamic and in less than year's time you'll be on here posting about this family friend who thinks you should drop every thing and reschedule things around THEM.

Honest GF, DON"T DO IT. You have your party your way and they can leave when needed.

Please.

I think you are WAY overthinking this. They have their own schedule, so they can make it work however they need to around your event. You don't need to cater to them, and you also don't need to stress out over it. They were just being polite to tell you they were leaving early.

Eat dinner when you want to. Have some apps out before that.
If they miss the main meal, they miss it.
You're the host, they are the guests.

Honestly, my husband doesn't care what time people come over or what time we eat. Earlier is better because then we have time to clean and unwind after they go.

I do get why he thinks 330 is too early for dinner, but this isn't dinner, it's a BBQ. Typically the food stays out a while and people munch for hours. No reason why he can't have the food grilled by 330 and people can eat as they are hungry.

I'd kind of wonder if I really wanted to pursue a friendship with people who can never stay out past 4:30. I'm not trying to be snide and I also like guests to leave at a reasonable hour but 4:30 is shockingly early. Are they actually fun? We never insisted on leaving anywhere that early with a newborn. They sound like real sticks in the mud. But assuming you want to develop a friendship with them, I'd make it lunch. 4 families is not small. I host a lot and there is so much getting everything together to serve the meal when kids are too young to serve themselves. Don't make it too hard on yourself offering food all day. And if I went to a bbq where dinner was served at 3:00, I'd be less than excited bc then I have to feed my kids again in 3 hours or they would wake up starving. I wonder if your husband is digging in his heels not bc of catering to one family vs taking an instant dislike to them. My dad would have burst out laughing at another dad who had to finish at 4:30. He never ate before 7. My husband would also wonder what was up with these people and have a chip on his shoulder. So, I would make it a 1:00 type lunch if everyone else can do that.

Sounds to me like you agreed to accommodate the other family with the early departure, so you should stick to it. I don't know what your husband's issue is - people have BBQs all the time at noon and 2 and 3. Why he would insist on waiting until later, especially when it's getting dark just a bit earlier, I don't know.

But canceling everyone because you and your husband cannot agree? That's punishing everyone, limiting the chances of a new friendship for you and your children, and pretty much advertising that you and your husband are having a fight over something as silly as a dinner time.

I say to keep the invitation the way it is, be a happy and smiling hostess, and let the other families enjoy it immensely. If your husband wants to sulk in the bedroom or grouse to the others about how he hates an early dinner time, it will reflect badly on him and not on you. I'd simply say he's under the weather and move ahead with plans, getting help BBQing if you have to since there will be a lot going on in the kitchen as well.

Otherwise, your husband can be the one to make the phone call to explain why an entire party is being canceled after it was arranged.

Don't take on his battles at all. Go about your business and stop the arguing. If he persists, then this is about more than the time of a meal - there's something else going on that is causing this rift between you.

Back in the old days (1960's), people got baby sitters for their kids and the parents went out (bowling, bridge games, date nights, saw a movie, etc).
The grownups got their fun/socializing and the kids got to bed when they needed to (or when the sitter got them there).

I know these people have their life organized to suit themselves but their bedtime schedule is THEIR priority and it shouldn't be yours.
You have your bbq at the time that best suits you.
Your husband is right.

It's nice when people are all gone at an early time so you can clean up.
But you can go along way to move this along no matter how late the party goes.
Have everyone lend a hand and bring a dish ((salad/side dish/dessert) potluck is great! and everyone takes home leftovers).
People can put garbage (paper plates, soda bottles/cans in trash or recycling, glasses/cups can be placed in sink, etc) and if worse comes to worse and the party runs late - you clean up the next day - it's nothing to stress about - it's just part and parcel of hosting a party.

I would leave the whole thing more loose. If you cater to the early birds, then someone else may come late and miss "the big community event of eating" which shouldn't really be a thing at a lazy afternoon BBQ.

My gut is leaning away from tailoring the event for those early people. For crying out loud I'm a single mom who has dragged my kids to things no matter what kind of hell it put me through in an effort to be social and I've NEVER uttered the words "My kids go to bed really early so please schedule things accordingly." Hopefully they didn't really say that??!!! And if not: You have no reason to consider it.

Have lots of snacks and drinks available the WHOLE time. As for your husband, it's a little weird to say, "NO, I am not firing up the grill one minute before 5pm even with a slew of afternoon bbq guests". Why don't you have the grill available around 3:30 or 4:00, but don't put energy into it for everyone until hubs feels like it...

What time are they all coming? I'd just have the grill on the whole time...most afternoon bbqs have people hitting the grill all day..Three other families is a lot of people to try to be precise about serving times..

The point of this bbq is to make new friends..not win or do things perfectly...keep that in mind..

Is your husband the type who doesn't mind standing at the grill all afternoon? Bc while the idea of just having the grill going and people taking when they want sounds good, there are logistics. Will guests cook their own when they're ready? Or will one of you have to be on call the whole time? I might do two batches. An early one and then another around 5:00. 4:30 is crazy early to have to leave though. We have friends who set end times for our get togethers and it bugs all of us but we've been friends a long time so overlook it and eat earlier than the rest of us would. But done by 4:30?? The child goes to bed at 5:00?? I might let them cook their own meat early or make it a lunch bbq. These people have to understand that no one eats dinner at 3:30. That's too extreme. So while I get the family doesn't want a melt down at your bbq, it's presumptuous of them to tell you an end time that is earlier than the vast majority of people would consider even starting dinner. If they really were polite, they'd say they'd love to come but won't stay for dinner bc they eat so early and they don't want to inconvenience everyone. Sure, you can have an ongoing graze session but they can also just deal with their weird schedule themselves.

I think once the school year starts, most families need social plans on a Sunday to end by 4 or 5. I realize you home school (maybe this other family does, as well), but we like to have our boys home and any guests gone by 5 or 6. If we make plans to go somewhere, we like to be home by 5 or 6.

It's a Sunday. Most people actually expect dinner to be mid-afternoon. Many families go to church in the morning and have a mid-morning brunch, making a mid-afternoon dinner perfect!

Your plan is perfect, but it's not a deal breaker. I absolutely wouldn't cancel because of this. If you end up going with his plan, maybe you could consider some appetizers or something, making sure that that family gets plenty to eat.

I say just eat at what time your normally eat. You can have snacks and appetizers out...as well as drinks...and the early family can graze. They can feed their kids early, come and hang out for a bit and then leave at whatever time suits them. We used to have friends who were on more a European schedule. They always eat dinner around 8 or 9pm! They also loved to socialize and have us over (along with other families) and our kids all enjoyed playing together. Since our kids were used to eating at 5:30 I would feed them a light dinner at their usual time. Then we would head over to our friend's house and they would play with the other kids and run around and graze on appetizers if they wished. At first we would end up leaving right after dinner to get our kids to bed...or when my daughter was really young sometimes I would just go over for appetizers and drinks. As my kids got older we would just let them stay up late that one night. I still would feed them something light at 5:30 but then they would eat dinner with the rest of us at the later time. I figured it was a good experience for them. I never expected our friends to change their eating time just for our family. I knew what time they ate and made plans accordingly. Have a fun and relaxed BBQ and enjoy hanging out with your friends! PS - I love your idea of just having the grill going the whole time. People can eat when they are ready and everyone can enjoy hanging out together :) Win-win!

I guess I'm confused. You only have three families coming. You found a time that works for everyone. Why on earth is hubby insisting on eating at a time that doesn't?? That is poor hosting in my opinion. It sounds like he doesn't really care if they come or not, doesn't really care if they have a good time or not. Not the impression I'd want to make but I'm afraid that's what the family would think if you told them what he suggests.

When I plan a get together, especially for a small group (which this is), I find a time that accommodates everyone, if possible. As the group gets bigger then yes, you may not be able to, but to me you've already found the right time...I seriously don't get throwing a hissy fit over it. What on earth does it hurt to eat a little early?

Parties are parties - they're supposed to be fun. I don't get this rigidity. To me that defeats the purpose of hosting. I feel as a host I want to ensure my guests feel welcome and have a good time. This is not in that spirit at all.

As far as what to do? I have no idea. This is an issue with you and hubby. All I can say is as host, I try to accommodate people, not ask them when they can come and then say, "yeah sorry, that's not going to work for us. If you can't be here at XX time, you'll need to get your own dinner."

This is tough. I know someone like them (well I don't know your friends) and overtime I notice controlling behavior. Maybe your husband wants to set the tone that he is not their doormat. They could be they type the Suz T described which is proactive and I love that and would like to help especially to avoid a screaming tired toddler. So I can see both sides of this situation.

I normally over accommodate and try to be the 'hostess with the mostess.' Hopefully they are caring to people other than themselves.

I actually agree with both of you. It is your BBQ and therefore the time should be set by you (the host). If these are people you want to attend, it is nice to make some concessions if possible...but dinner at 3:30 is a bit early. Is this BBQ on Saturday when there is no work/school Sunday? or is it Sunday and work and school schedules resume the next morning?

I ask that because if it's Sunday and everyone has work/school the next day, then it's reasonable to make everything a bit earlier to help EVERYONE with routine. If it's Saturday, it really isn't going to hurt to have that early bedtime pushed back a little (once in a while, especially when there's no work/school the next day is no big deal...especially when they typically go to bed very early...it's not like they normally go to bed at 9 and you're asking them to stay up til 11).

So, Saturday event, dinner around 5 instead. They really can make their own choices.

Sunday event, your schedule is fine.

Now, if you've already issued the invites with times stated then I would leave as is.

We have always done BBQ's in the afternoon and then make more food or reheat stuff as needed. I can see where you both want to accommodate your guests, but if the majority is expecting to eat later then I would make the food later.

Like another poster mentioned if it is a Saturday late afternoon/evening then why not let the kids stay up a little later. Or they can have some appetizers and go.

Do you think that maybe these new friends don't like BBQ? Are they veterinarians? Maybe they are making an excuse to go early or really don't want to go in the first place.

So are we talking eating times or times for the get-together? If you have already invited all the families and given them the times for an evening get-together and are now moving the whole thing to an earlier afternoon event - I kind of agree with your husband. But if you're just serving food a bit earlier, that's fine. Just make sure people who don't want to eat at 3:30 don't have to. It would have to be pretty flexible - which is fine with a BBQ.

We frequently have work parties here and family gatherings. With a grill, I agree - you just make it available.

Good luck :) Enjoy! sounds fun.

I would check with all the families to see if they could come for lunch instead and move it to 1:00. Good luck.

Let the guests know you will serve a light dinner or hors-d'œuvre at 3:30 and dinner will be served at 5:00. You can have a trey of cookies out for them to add to their meatballs. That's on them if they want to leave a party by 4:30 or even show up at all. And, I wouldn't cancel.

I would never attend a party with such expectations. If I had such a situation, I would feed my family and let the host know we can only come by for a quick visit, but don't wait for us because we have a early bedtime.