Bad Role Model

Updated on August 22, 2013
A.M. asks from Beverly Hills, CA
12 answers

I have two children a daughter who is past university and a son who is fifteen and a son who is ten, they are fairly trustworthy but I am worried about his uncle (My husband's brother)

He started a business in New Jersey and it became really successful really quickly but then he shut it down and restarted it in Singapore to avoid higher taxes and minimum wage and that sort of thing which I think was a bas thing to do and he is only 32 and he recently sold his business for an eight figure sum and now he is not doing anything productive.

He is spending all his time in the last few years womanizing, drinking heavily, smoking cigars, sleeping late, staying up all night and he drives around in an expensive car and lives in a mansion that is too big for just him, and he spends loads of time on his boat or at the beach and he was married for two years but she divorced him because he was cheating on her (I think she was cheating on him too though) and he is basically spending time partying and acting like a playboy, he rides around on a motorbike and he has bought a jet ski, he is always going off on holiday and he has a bad attitude about things, like I asked him to look after my friend's children for the day and he just let them play by the pool while he fell asleep in a deck chair reading a book.

I think this is a terrible way to live, he is one step of Charlie Harper from Two and a Half men and he is so arrogant about it, I questioned him about his way of life and he just said "Hey I spent sixteen years running that business, I think I've earned the right to enjoy life" and he just does not seem interested in working or settling down or anything like that, but what I am really worried about is my son really looks up to him (the pair have always been friends) and I don't want my son living the way he does, I mean I have heard my son asking him about his business and that sort of thing, I'm worried he is going to end up like him.

I mean I think he should stop living the way he is but I suppose he has worked hard, should I just ignore it and let him live as he wants to?

I still don't want my son to act like that?

I was not worried years ago because he still lived in New Jersey but now that he is a millionaire he felt he should move to Beverly Hills and I can't really stop my son from being friends with his uncle.

Sorry I did not mean he just shut the thing down, he just moved it overseas, I'm afraid I don't know the technical details, just that he stopped doing business in New Jersey and it left a load of people unemployed.

What can I do next?

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

This smells a bit like troll, but I'll bite.

So this man started his business at 16 and is now a semi-retired millionaire??? It sounds like your son could benefit from learning about business from him.

How this man lives, unless he is hurting someone is absolutely none of your business. If I were a semi retired millionaire at 32, I'd party, sleep late, buy things and enjoy life too. It's not your place to question him or his choices.

And if he is really that unsavory, why on earth are you even asking him to babysit?? If he is so irresponsible with day to day stuff, why would you ask him to care for a child?

If he is a bad influence, limit your son's time with him. Have your son's father step in to guide him in a more positive direction. Talk about the work, risk and dedication it too to get to the free lifestyle his Uncle is afforded now. There are bad influences all over, you have to show your son how to make his own path and think for himself.

6 moms found this helpful
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C..

answers from Columbia on

the time to stop this would have been YEARS ago - why did you keep letting him have an influence over your son as he was growing up?

First of all, if you think it's a bad thing to do to move a business to a lower cost area, you will be fighting a losing battle. That's how business works. cutting overhead is why we have factories in China. Companies would go broke if they stayed in high cost areas like New Jersey.

Second - if I had made a million dollars, I might take a break too!!!!!

4 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I am having a hard time answering this because you are new, I know noting about you and you could be a troll. Thing is people don't just shut down mulit million dollar businesses and start up again in another country. They form mulitnationals and base the same company in another country. If it only a million ish dollar business there is not point in moving it to another country because you can outsource plus there is the issue of repatriating the money so this all seems like BS to me.

And as CoMo said, if I had made my millions I would rest for a bit too.
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Oh and if you didn't understand that, I am saying I think you are either a troll or you have no clue what your brother in law does because that isn't how business works.
__________________________
OKAY FELLOW MOMS! this,
"I have two children a daughter who is past university and a son who is fifteen and a son who is ten, they are fairly trustworthy but I am worried about his uncle (My husband's brother)"
Read daughter past university son who is 16 last night! This is a TROLL!

I can understand, sort of, someone not understanding business but I don't think we will ever forgot how many kids we have or how old they are!

See this is why we need to discipline our children, teach them self motivation! Here someone is raising this stupid child who thinks it is funny to troll and is apparently too stupid to proof read her writing. She went from two kids 16 and a graduate to two kids a graduate, 15 and 10. This kid can't even count! let alone write!

4 moms found this helpful
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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Communication. With your son about being a man, with your husband about your worries, with your BIL about how your son looks up to him.

You don't have any right to tell your BIL how to live. But you can talk to your husband about your worries. They can have a "man talk".

You raised your son. Hopefully the values that you and your husband instilled are stronger enough to withstand some "real world" conversations. And unless your son ends up with a multi-million dollar business, chances are he won't end up like him because their life situations are wildly different.

3 moms found this helpful

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

We each only get one life to live & I think every individual is entitled to live It the way THEY want to.

You don't say how old your son is....but if the worst he sees is an Uncle who worked hard, became very successful and then is free to do what he wants, when he wants to, I personally think that's great!

Does he show your son love? That's the important question?

3 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Unless this man bankroles your son's life, your son will have to actually work for a living. If he is able to start a successful business and run it like his uncle, move it overseas and live off the business, then you will have had a successful businessman for a son.

There are plenty of viable businesses that move their operations overseas for tax benefits. You need to leave this part of the equation out. He's not doing anything that is much different from other businesses.

Many people dream of retiring in their earlier years and go out and having a good time. You can hate his lifestyle all you want. He may be a terrible husband. He may never be a good dad. But there are plenty of people in this world who aren't good at either.

Keep working with your son to instill good morals. Encourage his education. He'll figure it out.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from Cumberland on

A sixteen year old does not have to be friends with his 32 year old uncle-he just has to be civil when he comes over to your house or at other family events.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Well the chances of being that successful that early in life are pretty probably pretty slim. Obviously it takes a lot of money to finance that kind of life style. Let's hope that your son is that successful😊
Really, don't worry about something that hasn't even happened.

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

Let him live his life, and keep your judgments to yourself and don't share them with him. It won't do any good to say something to him anyway.

However, you are obviously (and probably rightly) concerned about how this appears to your son. You don't say how old your son is. For right now, explain the basics, of how he did work hard to get what he has now.

If your son is older and can understand, say that you are concerned with the way he's living now, because while it's okay to have a lot of fun, and he has money to spend that he has worked hard to earn, it's not okay to treat people poorly (I'm not sure how you explain womanizing to a grade school kid, so maybe don't try explaining that till he's older). And that while having stuff is fun, if that is the whole focus of his life, his life is going to be empty of real friends, because the people he hangs out with don't care about him, only the stuff he can get and give to them. And that it's hard to see that when you're surrounded by "stuff."

1 mom found this helpful

S.H.

answers from San Diego on

A.,

Your job is to parent your child and teach him morals and values that you hope he will choose to follow. The best you can do is have open conversations with your son about the way his uncle chooses to live his life and the ways in which you feel has made some good choices and the ways in which you feel has made some not so good choices. It is up to your son to decide how to live his life.

It is up to your husband's brother to live his life however he chooses without having to hear about your judgment of him. Keep all of this to yourself. How would you feel if he judged you for the way you choose to live your life. It is clearly quite different from the way he lives his, so I'm sure there are things you do that he thinks is dumb/stupid/fill in adjective here and wouldn't choose for himself.

Parent your child and guide him appropriately and if he's still young, make sure you're always with him when visiting with his uncle so you can run interference. And for heaven's sake, stop asking the uncle to watch your friend's children - that's just asking for trouble. He's single, with no children - he has no business watching anyone's child let alone kid's who belong to your friend.

1 mom found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If you don't approve of how your BIL lives his life, then he should never have had any contact with your son.
Now that your son is 16, he's almost an adult.
You have legal control of him for a few more years.
After that - if his uncle wants him around, there's no stopping your son from being with him if that's where he wants to be.

1 mom found this helpful
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B.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm experiencing deja vu, like I have read this before. Anybody else recollect this post?

1 mom found this helpful
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