Teen Daughter Dating

I'd like to meet the people my son is dating (once he gets to a point that he wants to date).
How about you invite him over for supper sometime and she should meet his parents too (go to supper at his house sometime)?
Separate the 'meeting' with them from the 'they are driving' to somewhere.

Posts like this make me appreciate the fact that my mother didn't drive. Nor did she coddle me like a small child when I was 16.
Yes, you are being too strict. And ridiculously so.

In just 2 years she will be an adult. It is time to start trusting that you have raised her well and she can handle herself in dating situations.

What kind of things did you do at 16?

I don't think this is a real question.... sounds really trollish to me OR is being written by a 16 yr old.

IF it happens to be real, you need to lighten up and loosen your apron strings. Your child is 16 and will be off to college soon. What are you going to do then? If you keep acting this way you may end up with a grandchild when she is 17 because you could have a very rebellious teen.

COMMUNICATE with her and allow her to experience some independence before she is on her own and does it without any experience.

As an actual parent of an older child here is my advise.

Your 16 year old daughter?
You are worried about her being picked up and taken to a school sponsored event? Or you are worried about the boy?
Is she a good child? Is she trust worthy? Does she make good choices?

The rule should be you invite the boy over before the event and just meet hims. Ask him about himself and his family. You get his phone number and his parents phone number and then you ask the both of them, what the plans are..

Usually they just go to the dance and then they may go for a bite to eat either at a pancake house or the drive in Sonic type place.

On a first date you tell them to call you when the dance is over and when they are ready to go to the next location.

Or if there is a change in plans, she should call to ask your permission. , You can either give permission and set the rules of this event or suggest they come back to your home with their friends and hang out at your home for an hour. You will have snacks.. etc. Have your daughter text you, if she is not comfortable with what is going on so you can then call her and give a reason for her to be driven home or you will pick her up.

Otherwise she should call about any changes.
In 2 years she will be in college and you will not have any idea what she is doing moment to moment. This is the time for her to learn proper behaviors. She needs to know you trust her to make good choices and how to handle herself. This is the best way for her to practice.

Yes, you are being way too strict if you won't allow your 16 year old to go to the movies with her boyfriend.

You are going to gradually have to become comfortable with her getting in cars driven by other teens. It's very difficult at first, but it's a transition parents must endure.

Invite the boy over to your home for dinner or something so that you can begin to get to know him. If she is going to continue to date him, which is reasonable at 16, you are going to have to start cutting the apron strings.

Absolutely do not sit in the back of a movie theater, that is way over the top.

Listen to Laurie's advice.

In two years she is going to be in college and can go anywhere she wants with any boy she wants...

Give her some nice safe practice of allowing a boy to take her to a movie or a dance. If he doesn't drive safe or acts poorly then she can make the choice to meet him at venues in the future.

If she has a cell phone she can call you if she want to escape from the situation. Give her a code phrase or word to text you if she wants you to come get her.

Promise her no questions asked that you will come.

You have to start letting her go slowly one step at a time.

In my opinion, yes you are being too strict. At 16, unless totally untrustworthy, she should be able to go to the movies with a boy. Give her a curfew and let her go.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Has your daughter done ANYTHING to make you mistrust her?
Has your daughter done ANYTHING to make you believe she will not be where she said she will be?

As to the boy driving? If you can meet him and talk with him - I'd be fine. I'd want to see how he drives down my street - he will have precious cargo in the car with him - so how he drives without her in it will make a difference to me. Otherwise? You are being too strict. She's 16, not 12.

The movies? Again...too strict. My 14 year old goes to the movies with a girlfriend and a GROUP of kids. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Especially if she's done NOTHING to make you think something else is going on....she will NOT be alone with him. Unless it's a movie that no one else wants to see..but really...you are telling her you don't trust her...

From experience?? I can tell you that if you make this boy taboo or say she's not old enough?? you will draw her to him even more...

Tell me what you are afraid of...are you afraid you didn't do a good enough job to instill morals and values in your child???
Have you NOT had the birds and the bees talk with her???
Have you told her YOUR expectations??
What are the consequences to her for breaking the rules??

Breathe. Your daughter is growing up. She will be out on her own in 2 short years...do not have feel you have done a good enough job raising her?? Set the rules and consequences for breaking the rules... and let her go...

I'm pretty sure New Jersey is one of the states with the Graduated Drivers License (GDL) program, which means 16 year olds can have one passenger (not counting their family, so this boy could have your daughter in his car plus, say, his brother and sister, but not his brother and his brother's girlfriend) and cannot drive between 11:01 pm and 5 am except for work or a religious event, and then only with a signed permission slip on company/church letterhead. Some towns make exceptions for a prom or homecoming, and the time restriction is extended to midnight on that night but there still can't be too many kids in the car and they must be headed home and have proof that they were at the prom. And seatbelts are a must.

And I think his car has to have some kind of decal on it that identifies him as a young driver with restrictions. If he's stopped by the police and is in violation, there are some pretty serious penalties. (Not sure about the decal).

So you might ask to meet him at your home, and ask him what his understanding is of his driving privileges (after you've familiarized yourself with the law, and if you can't find it online, go to your local police station or motor vehicles dept and ask). If he doesn't know, that will give you some information to make your decision on. If he's aware, then that will also tell you that he's responsible, or informed at least. And make sure your daughter is very very aware of these laws. Be nice though, don't treat him like you're questioning him in the Inquisition, just tell him you're happy to meet him, serve him some cookies or pizza, and just be friendly.

How strict you need to be depends on your daughter. A 16 year old who skips classes, fails to turn in homework, never does her chores or does them poorly, has lied to you and stolen change from your purse, is always late, is rude to Grandma and is completely unreliable - in my opinion - gets completely different treatment than a 16 year old who does well in school, is active in church or a club or an extra-curricular group or with a healthy group of friends, is helpful and reliable and trustworthy. Of course there will always be the usual and occasional and completely normal whining or accusing you of being the worst mom, or cheerleading practice went late and a homework assignment was missed, but if those are the exception and not the rule, then I think that teen has earned the privilege of being trusted in return.

But take the time to establish the ground rules. If she says she's going to the movies, she's going to the movies. She's not ditching the movie and going to a party in the next town. And picking her up from the mall at 10 pm means 10 pm, not 11:15. And grades must be kept up, and so must piano lessons or cheerleading or dance or softball or whatever she has made a commitment to. Of course, there will still be some restrictions at this age: hours, things she's not going to go to like a fraternity party or a party where the parents won't be home, or an all night drive to see the sunrise. But within reason, like school dances and movies and pizza and football games, some freedom has been earned. Teach her that accountability and trustworthiness equal privileges and respect and trust.

And then let yourself follow through. Tell her you won't be lurking outside the school or the movie theater, but neither will you be going to bed and asleep and just assuming she came in at 11 pm on a Saturday. You'll be checking that curfew. You'll be alert but relaxed. No grilling if she comes in at the specified time. Just say "hi honey, hope the movie was as good as the previews seemed! Are you hungry at all? No? Ok, good night, then!"

And as I have said before, develop a code with her that she can text to you if she is in trouble. If the 16 year old boy says that 5 of his buddies need a ride to a party in the next town, or if he acts like a jerk, or if she's feeling sick, or any one of a million potential problems, have a neutral text or word clue that she can send to you. It could be "42", meaning "call me" (4 letters in call, 2 in me) or she can call you and say "mom I forgot to take my clothes out of the dryer" and you'll know to call her and/or ask discreet yes or no questions. "Are you in an uncomfortable situation?" "Is someone drinking?" My son was told to call and tell me he forgot to give me a phone message and he'd tell his pals that I was going to "freak out". It made me the bad guy and he had a reason to call. I could either give him some guidance, or tell him to call 911, or "ground" him and come get him, having "freaked out" over his not giving me the non-existent phone message.

Hope this helps.

You sit in the back of the theatre? Yeah, you're being too strict.

I can see telling her she has to go with a group, if you really think she needs an extra year before she single dates. And it's fine to drive her to meet him. But it's not like she's 13 or 14. She's 16 now. Sitting with a boy in the movie, if you've taught her well, shouldn't be such a huge deal.

In NJ, you can't drive unsupervised at 16 - so how does he have his own car? Are his parents supervising these dates so that he can drive? Or is someone misinformed on his age? So, since it's illegal for him to be driving her anywhere alone, it's perfectly acceptable that you don't allow that. But sitting in the back of the movie theater or being present on their date - very over protective.

I don't think a 16 year old with a license has a full license, just a probationary one. I doubt it's legal for him to drive anyone but his immediate family. So I'd start by educating her about the law. If he values his license and keeping his car privileges, he'll observe the law. It's too much to expect the kids to realize that they don't have enough experience driving to be distracted with dates or friends in the car anyway, so I wouldn't spend a ton of time trying to convince your daughter of that.

If the kids are going in a large group, I don't think you have to meet him. They will be in a supervised setting with teacher chaperones. She may not be ready for this. If the kids want to meet at the movies, where there is zero supervision and a whole lot of not-so-wholesome activities going on the back row, you might want to encourage a group or at least drop her off there and meet the boy for a few minutes. She may not be ready to have you be in the car chatting up her date for the duration of the ride. However, since he has his own car, you want to be sure that they actually go into the movies and don't jump in his car and take off. We all want to assume that our teens will tell us the truth and not engage is risky behaviors, but that's not always the case.

A lot depends on the type of kid you have and what her history is. Does she give you a lot of back talk, does she lie, does she engage in wild behaviors, is she over-sexualized in her demeanor, does she threaten to run away? Has she gone out with friends in a group before, to the movies or the mall? Or is this her first experience being away from you?

A lot depends on what kind of town you live in. We have a large multiplex theater but pretty much every time we're there, we run into people we know. We let our teens know that someone they know will be in that theater and see them in the lobby or in the seats before the lights go out, so whatever they do will probably be witnessed by a friend of ours. We didn't go sit in the back at age 16, that's for sure, but we didn't have to. I don't know what your situation is.

Do you know the name of the boy or anything about him? Have you asked your friends anything about him?

But at some point you have to loosen up and let her go do some things. I would NOT make her take her sister on one of her first dates with a boy. I wouldn't put the sister in that position.

But I think if you drop her off and meet the boy for a few minutes, then appear to drive off but stop to make absolutely sure that she and the boy actually go in the theater and don't turn around and head for his car, and if you go pick up but arrive 15 minutes early to be sure they are really coming out of the theater (again, without her knowing), you can let them have a little freedom. You have to start some time.

If you have a good relationship with her and you are sure that she would come to you if she were uncomfortable in a situation, that's great. We had one of those "contracts" with our teen (you can find them in articles on line) in which we pledged to come get him with no questions asked and no punishment if ever he was in a bad situation (e.g. drinking or with others who were, in a situation with drugs, being someplace he wasn't supposed to be, etc.). If you have a 15 and a 16 year old, it's time to look into those situations and make contingency plans that put you on the same team.

Short and sweet, if you are really the mom? Totally over protective. Back off.

If you are the teenager? Keep your legs together! Don't let the hormones rule your world!! As long as you live under your mom's roof? Her rules you must follow! Don't give her a reason to mistrust you.

In NJ, just like most places now, you can only have a probationary license at 16 and can't have any passengers legally until you are 17. Which you probably know because your daughter is 16.

Unless you are a troll.

My opinion is it always depends on the child. They are so different. Is she your "wild one" or a "responsible one".? I'd make the call based on that. Love the idea from someone below about having him over for dinner. I would want to know him before she went anywhere with him. Glad I have boys, it's not as complicated... :)

It is fine that you want to know the boy and see what sort of character he has. However, if he has his license, did I hear His Own car? he must be pretty reliable unless you have seen him to screechy wheelies on the street or whatever and his mudflaps covered with gooey dirt. Alas she is sixteen (sigh) and well, I only have sons, but speaking as a sister of many (five other sisters) we all wanted to grow up and be independent. I am sure you have provided her with a good value system and sadly now, take a deep breath and dare I say this? let her go. I am just about absolutely sure she won't let you down. And write down his plate numbers as they drive off.

Check your state laws regarding driving and teens. Some states now have laws limiting the number of passengers a teen driver can have in the car, and some have limits on passenger ages -- so that teens don't load up their cars with a bunch of other teens and then everyone gets distracted. If the boy plans to drive anyone else besides your child he may actually be breaking the law. If this is a group date, I would raise that issue with your daughter and say no. You mention making it a group date - be aware that doing so could possibly mean he couldn't drive them all anyway, depending on your state law.

Don't go and sit in the back. Do drive them if you prefer that. Your rules. Too many crashes with teen drivers in our area have ended up in deaths, even with kids driving who were sober....Balance between hovering too much (which sitting in the theatre would definitely be) and compromising your safety rules (which letting him drive would be, if the issue is a new driver and not just "She's with a boy").

I feel like I'm reading a post from the 16 year old daughter that thinks her mom is too strict and asking us to throw the answers back at her mom. First post, written like a texting child.
I will respectfully not be giving my answer because I do not want to be put in the middle of a fight between a mother and her daughter. Sorry.

How's she going to be able to manage dating and taking care of herself when she's 18 in a few short months..

If you want her to be successful at life you need to let her make mistakes while at home with you there to help her through the jungle of live.

She needs to make mistakes and learn.

Oh good grief.

Our rule was that we had to meet the young man before going out. So, when they would pick up our daughter they would come into the house. We would talk with them a few minutes and then they would go. That was the same rule that I grew up with. Its polite for the young man to come to the door for his date.

That being said, I just can't believe this is written from a Mom. If so, you have some serious control issues. Do not sit in the back of the theatre, do not drive your daughter and her date. Give her a curfew and let her go. She will be going to college in a couple of years, do you plan on moving with her as well? Let her breath.

I would have her wait until she is 17. Yes, a year makes a huge difference in maturity.

At our house...we have a first date rule...first date is at our house...family game night. We want to meet the kids our kids are choosing to spend time with.

Just recently had a very delightful evening with the girl who invited my son to the homecoming dance. We hung out and played "Apples to Apples" for an hour or so. Are we overprotective? I don't think so. Just like keeping our family connected.

If the kids' dates don't want to meet us...I think there's a problem.

At 16, I'd let her date on her own....but not without meeting the date first.

At that age, my daughter drove but her boyfriend didn't. She used my car and picked him up when they went out. I trusted her not to do anything stupid.