I don't know exactly how to explain this. My father is 80 years old. He's in relatively good health. He was a decent provider during my childhood. I still carry a lot of baggage from having him as a father. He is a control freak in every aspect. He doesn't care what anyone's opinion or needs are. He is condecending, negative and he belittles everything my mother says and does. If you're not doing something his way, you're wrong and stupid. He is embarassing to be around in public. He has a superiority complex the likes of which I've never seen in another human being. He's selfish and dismissive. He doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. On a good day, I feel pity for him because I think his personality (or lack thereof) is a direct result of very low self-esteem. On a bad day, I can't stand to be around him for more than 5 minutes. My mother is depressed, withdrawn and nervous because of him. He would rather drive to the emergency room (he's done this several times) and put my mother's life in jeopardy than have someone else drive.
So here's the guilt part. It's father's day. I should want to be nice to him and buy a mushy card for him. Every year when it's time to pick a card, I end up in tears in the card store because there's never a card that says - Thanks, Dad, for showing me the kind of guy I DON'T want to marry. I have no memory of ever enjoying spending time around him. I have no memory of learning anything constructive from him. I have no memory of him happily attending anything I've ever been involved in (school concerts, sports, etc.). I guess you could say I just don't like him. I love him because he's my father, but that's about it. I wouldn't choose to spend time with him if I wasn't related to him. I feel guilty because I know so many people have lost fathers they truly loved and her I am wishing I didn't have to spend time with mine. My husband's father passed away a few months ago and every day I wish he were here. He was a great guy and I miss him. My father makes everyone around him miserable. The only positive thing that I learned from him was to choose a husband who was the exact opposite of him and I did - thank God. My husband is everything to my daughter that my father wasn't. So Moms - is there anyone who can relate to this and more importantly - what do you do with the GUILT??
My dad was horrible, and I have absolutely no guilt that he's not in my life and that I don't celebrate him. He made the choices he did in life, now he has to live with the fact that I want nothing to do with him. No guilt there whatsoever.
My dad just gets a phone call on father's day. I think when I was a kid I got him gifts but as I got older the reality set in that he was the best dad he knew how to be, even though it was a pretty crumy one for the most part. He is better now that I am an adult, however it does not always make up for things he did when I was young, like not even wanting joint custody or visitation of me after the divorce :/
I just remember that he is the best dad he can be and that I would not be this kick as$ person were it not for him and his crumy upbringing and his lack of parenting skills allowing my mom to take over in that way.
Let it go
We can pick many people in our lives to be with, build families with, love.
We cannot pick our parents.
We do not have to like our parents as people.
We do not have to feel guilty about not liking our parents.
As for wishing our parent's were different? Well, you know the saying "if wishes were fishes".
This is the part you need to overcome. You Dad was not the father that you wanted...Oh, I get that. But, he will never be able to be the father that you wished you had. But, from your father you learned what type of man you wanted to be with - what type of father you wanted for your children. So, it turns out to be not a bad legacy.
You don't want to but a mushy card for him - then don't. Buy a funny card, a simple card, or no card at all.
But just let the guilt go.
There is nothing to feel guilty about.
Good Luck
God Bless
OK, I thought you were describing my Dad at first! Seriously, he was much the same as your father. I have tried to stay away from him as well over the years, but the last 6 years I have been one of his caregivers and had to deal with his controlling, demanding, miserable nature on a daily basis. I tried to show him love, regardless of his demeanor, although he was mean and cruel at times.
This Father's Day is very different. I always gave him something, more out of obligation, though I tried to give gifts he'd like. But this year he's in the hospital dying. He is 86, has kidney failure, just had surgery for a large kidney stone that was causing e coli infections, and, last Friday developed sudden dementia. He doesn't know where he is, when my mother tells him she loves him (despite all he put her through, God bless her) he looks at her as if to say, "Who are you?" He thinks my BIL goes to the hospital some evenings and takes him out for dinner at a restaurant, (he doesn't), and that my 10 year old nephew is flying around outside his 4th floor window. My sister made him a collage of pictures of his grandchildren and great-grandchildren for Father's Day, and he seemed to recognize them. This will be his last Father's Day gift.
I would say, focus on the fact that your father was a good provider, trash the guilt and any resentment you have, and praise God that you have a great husband and father for your children. You love your father as I do, even though you don't like him, and that's OK.
GUILT?
Forget about him. Forget about all of the pain that he has caused you and your mother. He did this and let him live with it.
You said "My father makes everyone around him miserable."
I say don't do anything for him tomorrow. Don't even say " Happy Fathers Day."
I say call your mom in the morning and tell her that you need her help at your house and ask her if you can come by to pick her up and then spend the morning with her having breakfast and talking.
Help her enjoy life since he won't do it.
I hope you and your husband and your children have a wonderful day tomorrow.
You.do.not.have.to.feel.guilty.
Write it down, 100 times on a piece of paper if you have to.
I mean it.
To console, yourself. And to reinforce within you, that you do not have to feel guilty.
There is no reason for you, to feel guilty.
I used to have a hard time buying for my stepdad, but he died last year so now I dont have that problem. I was at my moms today and I was looking at the birdbath I bought my stepdad for Fathers Day a few years ago and it made me sad that he wasnt here for me to fret about this year. My mom misses him, I guess that was good enough reason for me to always remember him on Fathers Day.
As for my own dad, I always wish I could buy him something really fabulous, usually I can't afford what I'd like to get. But he was pretty excited about the kindle that arrived on his doorstep yesterday and is having fun figuring it out, I hope.
Hi,
When I read your post, I really relate to you! The only thing that has helped me is remember that all these holidays are just halmark holidays. Every day should be christmas, fathers day, mothers day etc. We should always appreciate our loved ones every day, not just on one day. So when it comes down to it, i don't do some big extravagant thing--I send a card with my appreciation for the father that he is. Not what I want him to be or what I need him to be. Either way, he won't match up to what I need him to be. So, I accept him the way he is. I love the things about him that I can love about him. Try to let go of what he wasn't and focus on what he is now. Does he do anything nice? Anything right? Does he enjoy anything? If so, talk to him about his passions etc. and try not to let the stinky attitude bring you down. GL and hang in there!
M
My dad is OCD and was very difficult to grow up with as a child. Once I was out on my own, our relationship got a bit better and it's pretty good now. But he is very difficult to be around and I couldn't live with him. My mother is selfish to the point of being dangerous in her decision making and my relationship with her is a few phone calls a year. I like it that way, but it was a tough road to walk guilt-wise for quite a while. We feel guilt because we are "supposed" to feel a certain way about our parents, and when we don't it feels wrong. But being a parenting is more than a blood relationship. If a person screws up badly enough, often enough, the "because they're my mom/dad" isn't enough any more to excuse the fact that they're crappy people we wouldn't spend time with if they weren't related to us.
You have to make a choice where you want him to be in your life, how you want to feel about him and deal with him, and then accept the fact that you're going to feel guilt for a time as you adjust. Therapy and time worked for me.
If you feel the need to get a card, go to the dollar store and pick a card there. I love the fact that I only spend 50cents on a card for my mother. I don't buy mushy cards for her - she's gone "religious", so I get her "a mothers day prayer" card that says nothing about my feelings at all. For my dad, since I don't have tons of warm childhood memories, but I do have better adult memories, I find cards that talk about wanting him to have a wonderful day. It helps a lot.
Celebrate your husband and forget the rest.
LBC
My dad was never around when I was a kid, and when he did have me, he let me know what a financial burden I was on him. Now he tries to play the awesome grandpa thing and it makes me crazy!! I also have trouble finding a father's day card for him because I don't feel any of those "great dad" feelings for him at all. I usually try to find a funny card or one that just says "Happy Father's Day" on the inside and nothing else.
My heart goes out to you.
No guilt necessary. You didnt choose him as a father, you arent responsible for the way he behaves and WHY would you want to put yourself and your family in the same place as someone so negative and hurtful? I know that you HAVE to sometimes, but please, do not let him make you pay for the choices he has made. Be grateful that you are smart enough to know better, and marry someone UNLIKE your father. Revel in the men in your life who have been positive influences. Support your Mom and try to get her away from him as often as possible. Smile, kiss him and be pleasant, but remember that you are not like him, and you dont HAVE to like him. We cannot choose our relatives, but we CAN choose not to be like them. Hang in there and love yourself!
Dear Cooking Mom,
I can completely relate to you. Both my parents are not nice people, and after years of battle with them we finally stopped speaking. I thought I would feel guilty about it, but I feel relieved and at peace. All this to say is this; although none of us have much time left with our parents, they've made their bed when it comes to their kids. If they weren't and still aren't loving then why should the kids feel guilty for their parents' bad choices and treatment of us and others. I know it must sound cold when I say that when parents reflect on their lives and don't feel any guilt or humility as to how they treated their kids, then why should we be burdened with the guilt of not liking them as people. My husband is also the opposite of my father and I treat my kids in a total opposite way, in terms of affection, then my mother treated me. The result has been a close knit family rather than secrets and lies and lack of affection and emotion. At this point in our lives our parents should see the light, and if they don't then we trudge on knowing that we are better and warmer people than they are. And that should make you rejoice and sleep better at night.
Hi there,
Well, it looks like you got lots of great responses. Here's my two cents.
I had the same problem, only with my mom, not my dad. She was a controlling, schizoid, alcoholic, narcissist. I can't even remember her
from my youth...I've blocked her for decades. In 2000, I came up to the
Pocono Mts. of PA to "take care" of my elderly parents in their dotage.
I could stand living with my mother almost four years. Then I'd had
enough. I moved to CO and within 6 months, mom had passed from
sudden heart failure...on her birthday! NOW I felt the guilt! My last
memory of her being alive was her turning her head into my father's
chest, crying, as I pulled out of the driveway to go to CO. Maybe she
sensed she'd never see me again. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't
have left. I could have made it through those six months. But, of
course, hindsight beats no foresight. Like you, I loved her because
she was my mom, but I didn't like her at all. Fortunately, I always
let her know I loved her (and only told her once that I didn't like her).
I don't think you should feel guilty about your relationship with your
father. It is what it is. I usually make my cards so they say exactly
what I feel. Perhaps you could, too. Next year...ie., "Happy Father's
Day. Hope you have a nice day." Period.
"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA
Well, I can't relate in terms of my father, he died before I was 2 years old but I felt that way about my mother - my sisters did too. She was neglectful and selfish and somehow expected that when we became adults, we'd be best friends with her. Spending time with her was a misery, but the thing is, it's that person's behavior which causes it. They could choose to change it, but they don't. Everyone makes choices and the people who have lost their beloved fathers don't know about your feelings! Let go of that guilt and do what you can for your father without making yourself feel resentful.
You don't feel guilt. You have dealt with this long enough that you really should be past that. Just accept you have a crappy father. I do too. I'm 44 and I have never met him, no contact whatsoever and he has known how to get in touch with me for 44 years but has chosen not too. My mom isn't really that great of a mom either. I used to hate having to pick a card for her becasue most of them were so mushy about how great of a mother she is and how much I love her. Well, I ended up settling for the ones that simply say "happy mother's day, I hope its great" or bday or whatever. As the saying goes, "it is what it is". So don't stress about this. Be thankful and appreciate the good men in your life and let the rest go. Good luck.
