Adult Friendships

Friendship goes both ways, give and take. As adults we pretty much know if we want to hang around someone or not after so many times of rejection. I have friends that have now become associates. I don't push myself on them if they chose not to be friends. I don't hate them, I would still talk to them on occasion, but I have just decided to move on.

I would probably just let it go, knowing that this is a common thing for her. She probably just met new interesting people who are taking her attention. Kind of like being the toy in the bottom of the toy box.

I think it comes down to whether or not you value the friendship enough, to fight for it. If you really enjoyed hanging out with her and sharing your life with her, then I'd try to reconnect. Maybe bring up the subject by saying, "I've noticed that you seem to be pulling away, is there something I said/did?" Maybe she thought you were pulling away first, or maybe she feels you no longer have as much in common. However, if she's just the type that gets bored with friendships, she may not feel it's a relationship she wants to keep. Or, you may realize you don't care as much about the friendship as you thought. Whatever the outcome, if you care for her and your friendship, it's worth a conversation. Good luck!

If you have seen this pattern in her, then you know it isn't you. So hold back from internalizing this as anything that you did wrong. Also, please don't hold it against her or harbor bad feelings. If you saw this but still let yourself get close to her then she probably fun to hang out with.

I have several 'best friends' that grew up as military brats or similar transient lifestyles and got adjusted to moving every couple of years, starting over with new places/friends/lifestyles and it just became a part of who they are. People who have the gypsy mentality tend to be a bit more charismatic and also a bit less stable in friendships by default. They get burned out honestly from knowing someone inside and out and it can get monotonous.

A few ways I've managed to hang on to these gypsy friends of mine is to acknowledge in a non threatening way that they've moved on - a silly "Goodbye and have fun in the Bahamas!" E Card or basket of cookies with a note that says I miss you but I know we've both been so busy. Let her know that the less frequent visits don't change your feelings and you'll catch up with her in a few months. Move on and enjoy yourself for a bit - try something new and exciting like rock climbing or making your own home videos set to music or anything you haven't done before. When she catches back up to you (and she will), She'll have a few new things to learn from you and will most likely feel compelled to re-spark that friendship.

Good Luck!

Renee,
Just ask her nicely what is happening, and let her know how you feel. You don't have to be angry or upset, just be sincere. Communication and nice honesty is the best on marriages and friendships.
Have a great day!

I'm sorry, its hard when a friendship that long starts to fade. Its awful when your kids miss the friendships too. I agree with Mom4S talk to her it cant hurt, but don't be pushy. Sometimes people are just drifters and can't hold any or many long term friendships. Keep yourself busy and maybe get active in a group of some kind and meet new people ( I know easier said than done if shy) but it will keep you busy and perhaps you can meet a new friends. Encourage your hubby to do just guy things out with the husband and maybe see if you can schedule occasional play dates for the kids if it helps. Good luck.

I love "Mom4s" response, I firmly think it is worth a conversation; however, do not loose yourself in the fight. I have a friend that married a man of a completly different culture and my husband did something innocent to him but her hubby was so offended he has forbidden her to speak to me. It has now been 4 years, she calls me, I cannot call her, come over or anything. It feels like we are having a secret friendship in which we never see eachother. I have written letters, and cards triing to get him to see things are different, and nothing, I am at the point now where I feel that if she valued our friendship as much as I do she would fight harder to keep it, so I am done trying. The point of the story is there are limites in how hard to fight for it. I clearly did not see them, 4 years is a long fight to loose.

I, too, would encourage you not to worry about it so much. Over the last few years I've started to realize that "best" friends are almost impossible to maintain over the various phases of life, and therefore maybe aren't a healthy designation for me anymore. I have quite a few people that I've considered "best" friends at various points of life. But like someone else said, friendships ebb and flow. It doesn't mean you suddenly dislike the person or that they lose their amount of "specialness" to you. It's just that maybe schedules change, you see them less, you're in different phases of life, or whatever. I love all my girlfriends dearly, but I'd call a different one for my different moods or different issues -- for example, one understands my family more, one understands our preschool more, one knows my husband best, etc. So I'll vent to a different one about different issues -- when I can find the time to call anyone, that is! I used to knowingly avoid getting close to new people because I felt guilty that I couldn't even keep in touch with the "best" friends I already had. But I've recently learned that you can have lots of awesome friends, some you've known 2 weeks, some you've known your whole life. And you can greatly benefit from them all. So let this one have some space and let some new people learn more about you. Just my 2 cents. Good luck :o)

I'm a little surprised that so many people have responded to this in the way that they have. SO many people Hurt by friends moving on. People grow, people change. Being friends isn't a bond for life, it's a relationship that will Ebb and flow. The tighter you hold on, the more a friend will twist to escape. Maybe it's because i've moved so much, but....Aren't you allowed to have outside interests from your friends? I should probably not respond to Renne, but rather post my own question about this. I've been purturbed about these things myself, though usually on the other side.

Wow. Thanks for posting this. I have often felt clueless when it comes to maintaining adult friendships and have found myself hurt when friends pulled away. Unlike a romantic relationship where there is usually a "break up" the slow drifting apart of friends without closure is so difficult.
My husband and I are in a similar situation. We've spent a lot of time with another married couple in the past year and a half. They have a child a similar age as our daughter. But since the birth of our second child it has seemed impossible to make schedules mesh with everyone's napping needs. We've hung out less and less and I really feel the absence. Like you, I don't want to force it if there's not a strong connection for them anymore, but it is painful and confusing to be the one out in the cold.
I don't have any good advice since I've never made this happen gracefully. Speaking for myself, I'm going to work on cultivating other friendships and keep my other friends a little further out on the radar but still close to my heart.

Sounds like you were "phased out"....it happens, sometimes deliberately, sometimes, quite passive aggressively. I dont have the heart for it, i have friends i should have phased out but cannot. I also know people who for their own reasons phased me out (i think its because i didnt fit into their single life of partying and spontaneous adventures)and thats fine, i have two kids, they have none, i feel like the blessed one who knows what true fulfillment is. It helps dull the sting. You may not want to find out why she phased you out, so tread with caution about asking. She may not realize she has done this to you, who knows , she may feel as if youve done it to her. You just have to ask yourself if you really want an answer.

If this hadn't happened with other people, I'd suggest asking her nicely if you did something, but since it has happened in the past, I'd let it and her go. I've learned as I've gotten older that people are different in terms of loyalty etc. It's sad and frustrating at times but one thing that's really helped is to now treat people how they treat me. I don't mean it in a spiteful way but if someone was a "daily" friend but she doesn't call or email right back anymore, then I start to act the same way. Typically I'm so conscientious that if a friend calls or emails, I feel the need to return the call or email quickly - even if it's short but just to acknowledge them. I've found taking that off my plate with some people has let me stay friends without getting annoyed or sad if I don't hear right back when it's their turn. And then other friends who are really good about being responsive etc, I'm still the same with. So in her case, I wouldn't stop speaking to her in an angry way but as some people have suggested, put her in a different category and take her for what she is and try to get busy with other people. Like someone said, she likely is fun. I can look at some friends and say they're really not a "good" friend in terms of being super reliable anymore but I find them funny etc so I'll take that aspect but not expect more. Guess I'm trying to say it's about expectations and if you change yours w/ her, it'll help. You can keep the good aspects of her without being frustrated. I don't think you have a lot of choice as sad as it may be. And I don't think at all it's something you've done given her history.

Renee,

Let it be for now, if she initiates an invitation to do something (just the two of you or a family event), accept if you want to or decline. If you wish to keep the line of communication open and stay friends as a family, don't decline just to be spiteful. Your friend just may be of need of some me time. You have the opportunity to show her that you are able to back away too.

Blessings....

Closure is nice, I think. You could say something to her but do you think it would really make a difference. I think I would just forget it and move on and be thankful that she has moved to someone else to do the same. One thing I believe in is karma... eventually she will receive her payback for everyone she has done this to.

In my opinion, you are wasting your time worrying about this. Spend your energy finding new relationships.

I hate that you erased the question. I realize the question based on the responses given.

I would not chase her. Find other friends.

I had a friend, Shirley, who I loved like a relative. She no longer calls but she will send an email every other year to see what I am doing. I think she is jealous of my free spirit. She and I started off teaching together years ago. She stayed in the district. I moved abroad to teach.

She has three grandchildren. I still have none.

I miss her dearly, but I cannot stand the judgment of my 'rambling rose' ways. I pray that one day we will be close again.

It's hurtful, I know, especially if you really enjoy her company and "click" with eachother.

Something I've learned over the years though, it is really isn't intentional to "not get together"...........all families are busy, all families "juggle".....it's just difficult to get together as often as we would like.

If you "wait" for her.....it will hurt more, so keep yourself busy with your family.

I believe that friends come into our life for years, or forever, or only for an hour.......and they can be the best-friend "at the right place, at the right time" just for us when we needed them....just like an Angel.....after that, God has a different plan for them........ and for us, as well.

Value the friendship you had when it was in the moments.........love it and hold onto it.......another friendship is always waiting in the wings :o)

~N. :O)

Hello Renee, I have not read the other responces so hope I am not repeating what has been said a lot.
I am well into my 50's so have learned that adult frienddship is different than childhood or High School friendships. I have friends that I talk to but never do anything with, Friends that were by my side in hard times when my husband was dying but we drifted apart after. I have one friend that literally every day for 30 years we talked on the phone while cleaning house and working on projects so when she moved I was scared I was never going to talk to her again from 6 states away-- well we still talk on the phone and share our childrens lives and grandchildrens experiances.
Every friedship has a time and season and often a reason for being. So nomatter how things stand as your husbands are friends just let it go and be friendly and move on there will be a time for your friendship later she just needs her space now. Have fun making new friends and stretchng and growing in new areas of life.

Perhaps just call her up and say something like, "Hi, just wanted to touch base. I've been missing you. " and see where it goes from there. Or maybe invite her to do something with you and make a similar comment "I've been missing you. Can we get together and (whatever you've decided to ask her to do with you)?" This will give her the chance to either explain why she's pulling away, or to accept your offer and re-connect. Either way, you won't be left wondering.

I had something like this similar happen to me. What I did was I confronted her nicely about it and then gave her a chance. The friendship was great for a year and then she started acting the same way again. The first time I valued the friendship and that's why I cared enough to talk to her about it. When it happened a second time, I realized that I didn't value and care enough about her anymore to make our friendship work. Obviously, she didn't value our friendship anymore. It took me a while and maybe will for you too...to realize and accept that sometimes friends grow apart. I don't think good & true friendships should be high maintenance or be super stressful. I would say if it makes you feel better....talk to her and then move on.

I was in thet exact same situation recently. I have a friend whose friendship I really valued. We met at Gymboree when our oldest boys ( now 9.5 yrs old) were babies. We hit it off quickly, did lots as familis but it seemed over the past 2 yrs, the friendship has dwindled. I don't feel it was due to anything I did So, I emailed her about it (I'm not the best at emotional face-face talks), asking if I'd done anything to offend her& told her how much her friendship means to me. She responded saying she noticed the same thing but thought it was due to our boys & sometimes their love/hate-ish freindship. And that she also valued our friendshp. During this time, she very quickly developed a tight friendship w/another mom we both know. Nothing has really changed, we still don't do that much togther anymore while I see her do all kindsa of things w/this other family. Yep, it hurts. I've never been one to really have a lot of girlfriends & she was one of the first I really had as an adult so it hurts more. Also cuz I know she's very close w/her large, extended family, several friends from high school & her previous job. I know she makes a big effort to keep these people in her life but I haven't noticed the same or me. So, long story short, I've had to let it go. Even tho she doesn't include me in things like she used to or ask me to get together, I still do both for her & her family. I've become friends w/a couple of other moms who we also do things w/as families & had to just let it go.

I have MANY "best" friends.
Some I've known since I was a kid.
We've been in each other's weddings, there for the births of our babies, there when family members pass away, but we can go months without talking to each other and think nothing of it.
No argument. No one upset. They do things with other friends and so do I.
That's the beauty of a secure friendship. Especially the ones you've had the longest.
Life gets in the way for us all and there's no explanation necessary, at least with me and my friends. We e-mail or call and say, "Sorry, it's been so long, but I think of you always. How is everything?"
And we talk like we never missed a single day.
THOSE are the kinds of friendships you can count on, in my opinion.
We all get scattered to the winds from time to time but if I need anything, my friends are right there. The same is true if they need anything.
We don't have to talk to each other a couple of times a week or be included in every single thing for that friendship to still be so meaningful to us.
I had a "best" friend in high school. SHE could have a million friends, and did, but if I wanted to hang out with anyone else, she had a hissy fit. In fact, I ended the relationship with her because it was ridiculous. We met up again several years after graduating and things were fine......as long as I wasn't friends with anyone else.
Her own cousin, who she had brought to my house, stopped by to see me without her one day and when she found out, she freaked! She told her cousin never to trust me because I was after cousin's husband. I'd never even met him. But, those were the lengths she would go to. AND, she told me that her cousin hated my guts.
She stomped out of a baby shower that I was invited to because she was friends with the pregnant woman FIRST. We had kids of our own at the time. How juvenille is that?

My point is that friends having other friends or being a little more distant than usual for a time because they're doing other things doesn't mean they aren't still friends.
The test of a true friendship is when you just don't worry about that kind of stuff.
You give a call. Hey...I've been thinking of you. Everything okay?
Not hearing from someone for a week, or a month, or even a year doesn't have to mean the friendship isn't there.
Just my opinion.
I try to be really good to my friends and remember them with cards for their birthdays and things like that and they do the same for me.
As we become women, we realize that there are never too many friends. And, 99% of the time when we don't hear from each other, it's just life getting in the way. We don't have to take it personally.
We really don't.
Don't assume there's weirdness. Don't assume anything is wrong. Don't think of this person as a "friend hopper".
Just give a call.
You ultimately have the right to decide how much you invest in a friendship and just like any other relationship....it's never exactly equal. But, that can be okay too.
Be a better friend to every body by being more secure in yourself.

That's my advice.

Best wishes.