Friend Doesn't Understand - I'm a BUSY Mom

Next time she accuses you of not being her friend, agree with her and say, "You're right. So stop contacting me."

No need for a dramatic ending... this is not a healthy relationship and neither of you are getting what you need from the friendship. Take some time apart from one another and remember that you don't need to "jump" when she calls next time.

PLEASE, though, don't use the "I'm busier that you are" thing. It's very annoying to anyone on the receiving end.

Just stop responding to her.
Don't take her calls and don't help her anymore.
Block her phone number and emails.
If you do answer a call from her, just cut it short.
You've got other people to talk to and things to do.

Friends make time for each other. They make the other person a priority of some sort.Picking up the phone once a month or every two weeks isn't really all that time consuming.

Your friend sounds immature, but so do you. No offense.

My impression, from what you've written, is that you *do* have time for friends but you don't have time for drama queens.

Downsize the relationship from friend to acquaintance, if that. Stay busy. Stay away. Don't stop to give any big explanations.

If she calls again to ask for help (and you answer the phone - the people who invented answering machines should get extra stars in their crowns), say, "I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope life gets better for you soon. Gotta go. 'Bye." She may not like it, but you don't care.

Your being an introvert doesn't really have anything to do with this. There are some folks who would drain every ounce of energy out of the most extroverted extrovert!

And probably this woman doesn't care for you any more than you care for her. You're just convenient for her now and then.

Well, I'm a lot like you. I don't cultivate my friendships as well as I should. But I've also been on the receiving end of people not calling, and it can hurt. I had one friend who would send out long group emails to all his friends and then get offended when I didn't personally write back to him. When he wrote to me personally, I would write back, but those group emails I tended to read and let go. He would get very angry with me. I eventually let that friendship die out, which is a shame because he was an interesting person, but he had a weird neediness about him that overshadowed the whole thing.
Personally, if you want the friendship to die away, I would not have a confrontation about it. If she directly asks you, I would politely tell her that you don't appreciate her behavior. But otherwise, I would let her quietly slip away. But really, give some thought about how you don't reach out to your friends. A lot of people see that as insulting and even though it's not in your nature (it's not in mine either), it's still not nice and you aren't being a good friend.

It is hard because I don't like to hurt people, but I would be fed up and stressed up enough to say "I guess we bring out the worst in one another. It is better we just go our separate ways so we quit disappointing and hurting one another."
Your family and you do NOT have time for this.

I wish I had a friend who loved and needed me that much. Aging is a lonely time. Make time for her. You are a stay at home mom? Then, invite her to lunch when the kids are asleep, host a yard sale with her, go on a long drive on a Saturday morning (even if you have to take the kids with you).

Your kids will grow up one day and your empty nest will get lonely.

Why are you still even worrying about her? She is not considerate of your feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. She sounds like an abusive friend and you do not need that.

At first I was going to say - even busy moms can find 5-10 minutes to talk every week or two...but some people are okay NOT doing that. However I was going to suggest if you are the type of friend who can talk every 2-3 months and be okay with it but she would prefer some type of communication every week - a text or email should suffice.

However, after reading what else you said, I suggest you delete her phone number or block her calls, ignore emails/unfriend on FB, etc. If she ends up coming to your house or something just explain to her nicely that you feel like she is maniuplating you and you do not have time for childish friendships.

Good luck!

When I first read this, I also thought you could probably carve out 10 minutes a month to initiate the phone call to her. Sometimes people just need to know that they matter. If months and months go by and you just don't have a few minutes to call, that says the person is pretty low on your priority list.

But the more I read, the more I realized that, as others have said, this is just too manipulative and dramatic. I wouldn't just avoid her though - that doesn't work, and she comes up with a major crisis or story to be "worthy" of your time. Ignoring her will just foment more drama - and it's also a little cruel.

I think you need to recognize your role in this - you've always responded when she was in trouble, and you've been very dedicated without, apparently, getting much in return to sustain you. That's probably the underlying reason why you don't initiate the contact over many years - it's too time consuming, and you don't get much back from her.

Ergo - she's really not a friend, is she?

I'd lay it out for her - it's probably best to compose a letter rather than a 'click and send' email that's easy for her to reply to while she's upset or angry. Tell her that the friendship has run its course, that your lives have gone in different directions, that you wish her well, but that you just aren't available for the amount of time that she requires. I think you can mention that she has too many issues for your to devote time to, and you don't think you are all that helpful to her because it doesn't seem to be a friendship that she really enjoys much either, based on her anger level. I wouldn't blame it all on her - you can reference your husband's illness, for example. You can say that you are convinced that continued contact will be unhealthy and make you resent her, which you don't want to do. (Okay, I know you already do - but try to be a little kind about it.) Say that you think she needs a more attentive friend with the necessary time to devote to her significant issues, and you have your own significant issues to deal with. Tell her it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to her to have a relationship that can't provide the amount or type of attention you both need. I'd stop using the word "friendship" and substitute "relationship".

Sign off and wish her well always, but do NOT invite her to write back with any questions or comments! Beyond that, I wouldn't answer her calls or respond to emails. If she writes to you, you can read it of course, but don't encourage or allow regular intrusions or anything that requires an immediate response. If she writes you a letter to say goodbye, great. If she writes with questions or complaints, you can decide whether to respond. But if you respond, it should be AT MOST a brief clarification of something she didn't understand, and absolutely NOT a reiteration of the same reasons you wrote the first time. At most, say, "See, this is what I mean. It just gets you upset, and it gets me upset. We need to move on. There is no future in this relationship. Best wishes."

I'm introverted, too, and I consider people like her one-way emotional vampires. I ditched someone like that a few years ago and I do not miss the drama. At.all. You can either say, "I don't want to be friends anymore" or you can just not respond to her. The latter is juvenile, but if you make yourself unavailable (especially during a crisis) then she will have to find other resources. If you want to end it with an explanation, you can say, "I'm sure you noticed that I didn't say anything after your apology. The reason is it's too little too late. I am getting off this roller coaster because the friendship is unhealthy." And then delete her address from your contact list and number from your phone.

She needs a friend who calls her instead of always having to be the one to initiate. You're sick of the drama. Is there any good part to your friendship???
It sounds a little toxic on both ends. EVERYONE is busy. If you really valued these friendships, you'd make it a priority. She has a point in that regard. It's great that you've been there for her in crisis, but either you both need to rethink or let it go.

What do you do when an ex boyfriend acts like this? Ignore and in a few weeks the problem goes away. It sounds like you have broken up already (yes long time friends break up) you may need to break up again and then treat her as an ex you no longer wish to contact.

I could just let her know that you appreciate the apology, but you think it's time to move on. You are sorry to see the friendship end, but really, it's just too much. If she wants to know why, just tell her that you guys are in different places in life and it's not working for you. Don't get sucked into explaining yourself further and giving her a reason to continue to argue with you or try to wear you down. She sounds like a total drama queen with all her self-induced problems to needs all your attention and energy and ain't nobody got time for that. After that, just stop talking to her - don't answer the phone calls or respond to the e-mails anymore.

The thing about good friendships that each person gets something out of the relationship that benefits them, and this just sounds like she wants someone to sympathize with her and feed into her need for attention and drama - I don't see what YOU are getting out of this. Some people are just the types to suck the life out of everyone else, leaving you feeling exhausted and drained, and that's not how a friendship ought to be.

You are busier than everyone else, so everyone else has to call you? I'm an introvert too. I don't like the phone. So I email. And at least every month or two, I try to drop my good friends and email to set up lunch or dinner or a playdate. It takes less than 5 minutes. So, you're "I'm a BUSY mom" is an excuse that would make anyone mad. Everyone is busy.

That said, it doesn't sound like this is a rewarding friendship for either of you. Let it go. And next time she contacts you (if she contacts you), just say that the two of you don't communicate well anymore, and it's time to move on.

i absolutely would stop taking her calls.

she sounds like one of those people that constantly has self-created drama going on and expects your world to revolve around her. (I mean come on, stds AND an unwanted pregnancy....she STILL hasn't figured out about condoms??)

i started out reading your post thinking, "well you could pick up the phone OCCASIONALLY..." - we can all use a reminder for a little give-and-take. expecting friends to do 90% of the calling (or thereabouts, sounds like you don't do much of it) is kind of off putting and not the best basis for a peer-based friendship....they shouldn't always be the ones to call you. friendship is give and take. you calling shows that YOU care. it says a lot. you should make an effort.

however, this chick is just a drama queen with huge issues and a mean nasty streak. that doesn't sound like any kind of friend, to me. i would, again, absolutely stop taking her calls. i'd be so done.

You answersmed your own questions etc. one apology doesnt make up for the years of her using/taking from you. Friendships are give & take. You also said you recognized its unhealthy! Stop the sad cycle. Get out with your kid(s), join a playgroup, do twelve steps, joun a meet up group for a hobby, heck join a study group for college. Meet other friends, time for new healthier non co-dependent friends! Don't answer the phone!
Good luck,
Pammy

I feel that friendships need to go both ways. I HATE when I'm the only one who calls people or tries to have playdates with someone. I'm actually going through this right now with someone. It's been almost a year since I have seen her. My son keeps asking about her son and wants a playdate. I would call or text her maybe once a month or every other month to see about inviting them over to play. She is either too busy or just doesn't get back to me. Then another couple months go by and she will call. I've talked to her maybe 2 times in almost a year and only saw her once. I am actually going to let her go and drop her as a friend because it's all one way. If I can't have a friend who is willing to put in the same (or even some) of the effort that I put into it, then they aren't worth it.
Since your friend has had a rough time, she might be more needy than usual. I honestly don't think you have been a good friend to her. How hard can it be to pick up the phone and call or text her once a month? Everyone gets busy, but I'm never too busy to pick up the phone and give a friend a call or text or e mail.
Friendships need to go both ways for it to work.That's what friends do

Even a busy introvert can check in w/ friends more often than once a quarter. We're all busy! I'm not much of a phone talker, my friends know this. So I'll send an email, a quick text or a Facebook message just to say hi and do a quick catch up. Then we get together every month or two and hang out w/ our families or go to dinner just the two of us and spend more quality time. That being said, this person seems to *need* more than you can or are willing to give. If you're really exasperated with the situation, next time she calls just tell her that you are sorry, but it seems as if she wants more than you can give and wish her well and be done with it.

May I suggest that this isn't any kind of a friendship at all? This woman is a user, and emotionally abusive person. She's NOT a friend.

Don't call her. Don't answer her calls. Some people are never satisfied, no matter what extent you go to help them. Someone who can't understand your primary duties to your own family is not worth the time or effort you've poured into her.

ETA: As a fellow introvert, I totally understand what you mean about not calling your friends more than sporadically. That's not what we introverts do. Most of us dread phone calls, and only answer them if we MUST.

I think this really has nothing to do with being introverted. I'm introverted, don't mind the phone calls with friends....

This is *really* about her being kind of crappy person to you. My guess is that if it wasn't about "you didn't call me" she would likely find another way to shame you into feeling like the lesser person in the relationship.

You have two options: one would be to continue to ignore her. The other would be to write her a short note and tell her what you have told us :"I don't like being told that I'm not a good friend just because you may not hear from me as often as you like. You have said "XYZ" (use specific examples) and it's hurtful to hear that from you. I shouldn't have to continue to prove my friendship to you, yet you continually accuse me of not being a friend.
So, for the sake of clarity, I think it would be better if you did not contact me any more."

That will certainly eliminate any ambiguity. Don't make it about 'I don't have enough time" or "I'm busy"... we are all busy. We all prioritize what's important to us. Maintaining this sort of relationship need not and should not be a priority for anyone. Put your energy to better endeavors.:)

I say don't have her as a friend. If your LIFE is just so overwhelming for you that you feel your unable to fit another person into it...then don't. It's quite simple actually....Good Luck!

Sorry I'm not being a smart a**. But I really do feel this way. Along my journey, I have dropped a few friends as well. It's okay. The important people you keep around and the not so....you don't.

I had a friend like this. I'm talking EXACTLY like this. I put up with it for years because I didn't want to come off as insensitive to her issues. What I mean by that is she was diagnosed with a Personality Disorder.
Look it up and you will see everything you described her doing. All of their relationships have turmoil, they need them to! That gives them what they are craving. They can be highly manipulative, make guilt trips, very immature for their age. The worse is they have a "fear of abandonment" with even the newest of relationships or friendships. So they put you through the RINGER!!!! Let her go anyway that you have to. Don't engage with her in a back and forth of why. Unfortunately, it WILL NOT change. That's my opinion.
Ps. My best friend has a very busy life. She NEVER calls me, I always call her and we have no issue with it. That's us. That's our routine. If your friends know that about you then and all the others are fine with it the. Please disregard anyone telling you to stop her you need to call her more. Honestly, like with a child, giving in to her like that will only cause her to find MORE issues with you.

She unfortunately is using you. She doesn't know what a real friend is. The way you cut her out of your life is you stop going to her rescue. The next time she calls and is crying to you, you don't answer and or call her back. When she gets mad, you tell her that she told you she wasn't friends and so finally you believe her. Tell her you are not a doormat and she can only be in your life if she acts like a real friend and cares about you.

Don't end it. There's enough animosity and hate and unforgiveness in this world and its not doing anyone any good.

Just leave it be, stay out of each other's way and give yourselves time to heal and grow and mend. Be the bigger person - don't let this affect any priorities in your busy life but maintain a kind and forgiving heart. In time your friendship may be completely different than it is now and you'll both be stronger people.

Just stay busy. You can either talk to her when you can and ignore her rants or ignore her calls altogether.

I'm like you, very busy, any free time is for my family, husband, love my friends but do not have day and night to be with them. I get a little exhausted and overwhelmed, kind of bit off more than I can chew with my job, and try to explain it best I can. I decided if they are truly my friends they are there whether or not I am twentyfour seven and I for them. We do care about eachother but a good true friend gives you space. You can let her know this over and over and you can also start reaching to her. Let her type a paper for you, carry your books, etc. etc. it's the proof in the pudding if she is truly your friend ( I didn't mean that, but turn it around, let her know you are needy too sometimes and you handle it). She will get tired of it and don't let her manipulate you.

She's found a way to emotionally manipulate you with guilt. It's always worked to get you to help. You don't need advice. You need assurance that you are free to NOT rescue her. You know what to do.

When people are using you, they are not your friend.
Some of these people can only be frozen out completely. Never take their phone calls, never answer an email or text. Just don't.

Others can be managed, as it were. They have a problem, you offer a solution WITHOUT involving yourself in that solution. I.e., they tell you their car needs fixed, you tell them about a good garage.
Also, you do not share emotions with them. No outrage for their rage, no joy for their joy, no reflecting their emotions. Sometimes they feed off of your emotion and will drop you if you stop feeding them. Also, stop giving her personal information about your life. How are you? Fine. Etc.

You have decisions to make about this relationship. Stick with them or you will regret it even more later.

She sounds too damn needy and this seems toxic. What might have started out as a friendship has turned into something esle. You are her dumping ground for her messed up life situations. I just wouldn't take any more of her calls or other communications. She's too much work and what are you getting out of this friendship? NOTHING! Let it go. If she doesn't get the hint and asks what's wrong, I would tell her without holding back, but I would still move on. Let her find someone else to latch on to.

I would not write her a letter, or e-mail her, or call.

Wait until she contacts you first.

Then listen. It sounds like the chances are very good that she will be calling because she has some issue and "needs" you yet again. Don't respond much beyond "mmm-hmm" as she explains her need or whatever she wants. Then when she is done, I'd tell her something along these lines: "You know, you and I have a pattern between us. You contact me when something negative is going on with you, and I'm there for you. But I realize that we do not have a lot else in common, or interests or activities that we share, and it's become all about getting through a problem. I have been glad to do that in the past, but I know you'd want me to be honest, and I have to say, I think that just working negative problems together is not a basis for a lasting and close friendship.I know from experience that you can be strong enough to get through this latest problem and I really feel sure you will, but this time I can't (fill in the blank here -- not coming to take you to place X, not offering advice about subject Y, whatever). If that makes you mad, I'm sorry for your being upset but not for being honest."

Or a shorter version would be to tell her, "Gosh, I'm sorry that (bad thing) happened. What is it you want me to do specificially?" Then when she says "I need...." you listen and then reply, "I know you're strong enough to handle this. I have to be in class/I have obligations with the kids/whatever (as long as it's true, don't lie to her -- you ARE busy enough not to jump when she asks)." When she whines that you are not her friend, well, I'd tell her the part about how you have confidence she can move on but you feel you and she have little in common beyond the shared experiences that SHE has brought with her problems.

It is good to be there for a friend. But it sounds like your entire "friendship" is based on her needs and her expectation that you are her sounding board and helper. That is not a friendship. You said in the title of the post that she doesn't understand that you're busy but I think she does understand -- and she just doesn't care, because she comes first in her own mind.

if you really feel the friendship is over (which is a healthy decision at which to arrive, but i'm not sure you're there yet) then you don't have to make her understand why. she won't anyway, will she? it sounds as if she likes to have things all on her own terms, so it's not likely that she'll say 'hey, O., thanks for being so clear and honest with me. i've been a sucky friend and understand why you don't want to be friends with me any more. i'll think about what you've said and be a better friend to the people in my life in the future. thanks for this gift.'
it's not rude to let her slip away. but it will be easier for YOU to deal with her attempts to contact you with a simple, non-confrontational 'sorry, i'm really busy and just don't have time to keep up with social commitments. good luck!' then at least you don't have to duck phone calls.
but DON'T let yourself get drawn back in, either to 'helping' her again or to making long complex explanations for your decision.
sometimes high maintenance friends are worth the work. it doesn't sound as if this is the case.
khairete
S.

I just wouldn't answer when she calls/texts. She'll eventually get the hint. If not and she straight-up asks what's wrong, then tell her. But to me saying something like "I don't want to be your friend anymore" sounds like what I hear my 11 year old GD and her friends saying to each other - childish.