I don't tend to deliberately try to hide things from my friends, but I also don't feel obligated to disclose every little aspect of my life, either.
You've been through an awful lot. Perhaps she didn't want to add to it.
I agree it would have been nice to get a call and let you know she was close by, but she didn't. And, I'm sure it stings that she wasn't exactly stealthy about the whole thing. I disagree with her telling her daughter to keep the whole thing a secret. That pressure shouldn't be put on a kid.
I actually ended a long-term friendship just about exactly one year ago.
My friend tended to be very pushy and it wasn't the first time I had ended the friendship for the way she talked to me sometimes. She DESPISED my ex-husband for being a controlling, abusive jerk, but the truth is, sometimes she was no better. She thought she needed to tell me what to do, when and how to do it, MY life, but HER way, all under the guise of HELPING me.
The very final straw was when she tried to push me into quitting my job to go to work where she works. It's farther away, I'd have to leave even earlier than I already do and get home later than I already do. It wouldn't have been a good move for me. So, she decided that I could just stay at her house during the week and be home on weekends when I didn't have to work a Saturday. Excuse me? I have a kid to get up for school every morning. His school is 10 minutes away.
Nothing about it was good for me. BUT, they needed someone smart and capable so SHE could get a promotion. Well, she wouldn't listen to me that it wasn't in my best interest. As bossy as she was in my personal life, I sure as hell wasn't going to change everything to go to work and get bossed around by her. I got some very mean e-mail and IM's and I just quit responding to her. So....then the "I hope you're not still mad at me" and "You need to quit being a baby about this" messages.
I called her manager and told her I was not interested in the position.
My "friend" was livid! She sent me all this mean stuff and I just never even responded. I'm done. That's it. That's all.
I don't think you've done anything to be a bad friend, but your friend obviously thinks you are overreacting. Maybe you are, but you should have a right to say how you feel as long as you aren't being rude, pushy, or insensitive.
I mean, what's the harm in saying, "It hurt my feelings that you were so close and you didn't even call?"
Anyway, try not to take it personally. She hasn't verbally attacked you or anything. Let the girls have their time together. You don't have to pay for anymore plane tickets or drive 13 hours anymore. It seems like she has more opportunity to come close to your direction. If she's being weird about things, oh well. The girls can still maintain their friendship.
I wish you the best with your husband's health and all the other things going on around you. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Your friend may not know how to be supportive with all of it.
Take care of yourself. Don't worry about her agenda.
Strive to be happy on your own terms.