Wow He Really Just Doesn't Get Valentine's Day

oh my dear, this sounds dreadful.
i'm so sorry THIS is what he thinks is appropriate for valentine's day. *nothing* would be way, way better.
no, you're not nuts. but i hope you get out. it doesn't sound as if things are improving at all.
{{{}}}
khairete
S.

Wow he sounds exhausting to deal with! I am always amazed at the patience that some have when dealing with people who have mental illness. I certainly don't posess it.

You know that saying, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me? ;) Sorry, I would NEVER go to dinner with him on V-day again. I would also probably be looking to find a way to end the misery. Good luck and try to get some fun-time in with the kids instead Friday.

No, your husband had a batshit woo-woo idea, JB. If my husband had been dumb enough to pull a Valentine's Day airing of grievances, I would have just told him off, knocked him over the head with that wine bottle or whatever else I would have put my hands on through my seeing-red vision.

IT'S NOT YOU.

Honestly, no, my husband has never done this. Then again, he thinks beyond himself. I'm sure sorry JB. Maybe tell him that marriage counselors cost about as much as a dinner out, and if he wants to discuss your failings as a wife, you'd like a witness because that's just preposterous.

Hugs to you.

OMG I don't know how you do it.
That's all I can say.

Hey JB, I wish your title wasn't He Really Doesn't Get Valentine's Day, cuz the fact is he really doesn't get anything.

He is focused, same as always, on HIS needs, not yours, not the needs of the marriage either. He is not well. You are.

I'd imagine pretty much EVERY holiday where normal folk get together and show love for each other and gratitude for having each other around is a real problem for him.

Damn. I'm sorry.I 'd like to take you out for a couple and laugh and have fun and to put the whole HIM thing down for awhile.

I admire your durability.

)

There is no way I'd be doing that either. No, you are not nuts.

:(

I think that he is looking for a captive audience vs wanting to do something nice. I would say I would only go if he doesn't air grievances and he agrees to see a counselor. If he's done and not going to see a counselor, I would find one for myself and decide how long I was willing to put up with this kind of behavior. If you are posting here, you probably have kids who are affected by all of this, too.

ETA: Even if he has a mood disorder, that doesn't excuse him from being mean, vengeful and hurtful. He basically berated you in public, which I bet was demeaning. I'd really look at the overall picture and see if you really want to be in this position in a year. If not, change it or end it. I'm sorry. Even a depressed person can be held accountable for his actions. And if he won't keep up his treatment, then you are not dealing with someone who is willing to do his part to help the situation. Neither you nor your kids deserve being his emotional punching bag.

You may be nuts for putting up with this.

Seriously...this is outrageous but if he must maybe you should have a list of your grievances starting with his ridiculous list:)

Nope, Nope, Nope

He has all the romance of a Turnip

I think it is a shame that some people cannot understand that alentines Day is what WE make of it.

Of course we should love each other every day, but to know that all of us that are lucky enough to love others and to be loved are all celebrating at the same time is a pretty wondrous thing.

I concur the two of you should find a good therapist. He can put the money and the work towards really working on this relationship.

If the two of you are so unhappy, I do not understand how or why you are not working on this. I was a child in a home with parents who really no longer loved each other. I may have been young and they thought they put on a good show to everyone else, but they never fooled me. I was the one that told them, "You do not love each other. " They were shocked. I was relieved once they decided their marriage was over. It meant we could all move along with our lives.

You went last year because you didn't see it coming.
This year you do.
You know what "they" say...
"Fool me once....."
HVD!

Nope, that sounds truly horrendous to me. If he is going to use the dinner as a "complaint" session, then I think that I would just rather opt out of it too.

I don't really have any great advice. Just wanted to say that I am sorry you are in such a stressful marriage.
Is it time to end it maybe? If he's unwilling to get the counseling and medication he needs, why should you continue to suffer? I know it's not that easy to just end a marriage, but I have watched unhappy, unhealthy marriages drag on for YEARS. One or both parties unwilling to change, yet they stay. Then all of sudden, one of them just ups and leaves. Shocking the other spouse and family members.
Not sure how old your kids are, but they are more resilient then you'd think. Three years ago my FIL up and announced he had reconnected with college flame, and he wanted out of the marriage. After nearly 40 years! Personally, I was not shocked. I witnessed him be belittled, degraded and brushed off for quite some time.
The kids, all adults obviously, were DESTROYED. Shocked, saddened, just devastated. My MIL claims the marriage had been awful for years but stayed for the sake of keeping the family together.
Had one of them ended it years ago, I think the devastation would have been much less. To this day everyone is divided, and torn by this.
Life is short, we only live once time. Wouldn't it be better to be alone and happy, then married and miserable with no change in sight?
You have to think about you. Your kids will be ok as long as YOU are ok. They at least need one mentally healthy parent!!
Good luck, and cyber ((HUGS))

Sorry I didn't go through and read any of your old posts. But do I recall that your husband might be gay? That's beside the point. What mood disorder are you thinking that he has? By just reading this post, I am going to guess borderline personality disorder or narcissism (or both).

You are not nuts. You are nuts for putting up with this for so long.

Say - nonchalantly - that you have plans and go treat yourself to a nice dinner and/or movie. =)

(I'm sorry to be trite. This stinks and I'm sorry you're going through it. Trying to keep things light is my new coping method since I don't really have the spare emotional energy for people who won't change. I *am* serious about taking some time to get some space and show yourself some love, though.)

I'm so sorry, you are not nuts and just make sure you take care of yourself. If feb is always your tough month, do you think its a SADD thing? Anyway, he needs to figure that out himself.
You enjoy your night with your kids or friends. Tell him to hold his horses and you'll meet when he can start with talking about some positive things about you first. Take care.

What are the other 364 days out of the year like in your relationship? Marriage counseling seems like it would be beneficial. Sounds like your husband needs to be in a room with someone who speaks the truth? Hopefully, he can hear it. You mentioned a "mood disorder." Do you think he really has one? Has he been in treatment for one?

I'm sorry that you don't get to enjoy Valentine's Day. However, I think the LARGER issues is the type of communication that exists in your marriage. Curious, how many years have you been married? Has the communication always been like this? Has he always cornered you with the "list?" That would be so unpleasant to be a part of, so I'm sorry.

You do have the power to make some changes here. Hopefully you have health insurance. If so, I would contact your health insurance to find out what therapists are in your area. Start with yourself. Go see this person. Being in this type of marriage can be crazy-making. Start with discussing these issues and then go on from there.

I have bipolar type 2. If I don't take my meds, by about 2pm I can feel a huge mood swing come on. I still go through hypomanic phases a few times a year and have learned how to direct that energy toward something useful, but I used to choose behavior that was not so...positive. Your husband is selfish and foolish. By not taking his meds he is choosing to damage your marriage. This is not an illness that can be solved with supplements, believe me I tried everything before finally accepting the fact that I may very well have to take my meds every day for the rest of my life if I want to live a fulfilling life.

I do know what he is going through, though. He's constantly ruminating about these issues, but doesn't have the skills to solve the problems. He can't find a way to fit in talking about them in a normal every day conversation, his brain is addled by the depression and exhausted by the mood swings, so that's why he asks to go out to dinner with you. It's safe. You won't be mean or yell.

You do need help, your husband needs help, and you have every right to insist that he gets it. One thing about the meds, the "normal" feeling they give you (if they are working right) makes you feel like your illness may not be real. At the same time, it's not unusual to not feel right about the feeling of being normal, which makes you want to go off of them. I am super super creative when I don't take my meds. I can write beautiful poetry for days, I wish I could explain how insanity can make you feel so alive, but I've never been adequately able to do so to a neuro-typical person. I miss that "alive" feeling, and it took a long time to come to terms with that fact.

Something happened to him in February, something traumatic. If this happens every year, he is working through some memories that he can't make peace with, it might be time for you to find out what it is.

I didn't read the other responses, this is just my take on your situation form what you wrote and from my own experiences with this disorder.

I am so sorry you are living like this. Love the idea of you going to a nice dinner without him!

Instead of planning a nice romantic evening, tell him you want changes or a divorce. Put it all on him. Tell him he is ruining your marriage with his behavior.

wow, I just feel bad for you and your kids... serve him divorce papers for valentine's day and start building a new life for yourself!

I am so sorry...you are really strong that you have put up with him for so long and stayed so clear headed. This is what it is like to live with someone with mental illness. I guess my first thought is I would tell my spouse that he needs to take his mood stabilizers and meds otherwise our marriage is not going to work. You should definitely stay home with the kids...no need to submit yourself to torture again.

You come off so lovely, witty, reflective, loving and totally sane!! I'm just scratching my head why are you still with him? So let me share some highlights of my world.

The father of my two kids (7 and 5) recently seperated (he asked). There were no deal breakers in my world so this came as a huge surprise! I gained so much acceptence around him and his shortfalls. I beleive he is bi-polar but too proud to do anything and he lacks self reflection.

ANYWAY....when HE asked for a seperation, it took me all about 15 hours to totally buy into it. Guess what....me and the kids have never been so happy! He's actually happy too when I have to see him. I love him, we're friends (because of the kids) but I can't believe how much self sacrifices I made to stay "in it." It really wasn't until he moved out that I'm beginning to see the daily compromises I made as well as the kids. The energy has completely shifted.....we're a happy family!

Huge Risk.....BIG RESULTS! We deserve happiness.....life is too short. You would be surprised how much silent tension costs you and your family unhappiness.

S.

My SO is always talking about how it's a halmark holiday. The kids and I have filled out their cards, done random acts of kindness (it's also kindness month-and they're learning about it at school), volunteered to pack food bags for needy, baked cookies for the senior center Vday party, etc, etc, etc. All while he puts shhets in front of doors to stop drafts, walks behind us to tuen off lights in rooms were returning to, and complains if we take too long doing the dishes. Ugh.
When I was a kid there was a cranky old man that sat at his front door and b$%€hed at every kid that used his side walk.
I tell my SO he's that cranky old man, lol.
You do not need a sanity check. He does.
State of the union??

I remember your "epic sock battle" that you described for us on here. I'm honestly surprised you are still with him, going through the same ridiculous things. It absolutely sounds like a toxic marriage. One with an immature, spiteful man who will not take responsibility for his illnesses & take the necessary steps to ensure a healthy fulfilling life for himself & his family. You need to make one for yourself & your kids. Set an example for what people deserve in heathy relationships, cause honey, that ain't it! He needs to figure himself out, on his own. Which he will, once it becomes HIS problem. You are not responsible for his happiness. But you are responsible for your own & your children's.

:-( I don't think you're nuts at all. I think you knew what was coming and learned your lesson last year, so to speak, after he built up your hopes and then he disappointed in a monumental way. He thought he was building a bridge, but his timing was off... and that was very likely due to his disability.

Maybe now that you know ahead of time what the plans are in his mind, you can have that sit-down and clear the air in a discussion, not in a "you do this/are this/I hate this about you" way... not in a scorecard way but in a, "we have trouble communicating so how can we both fix this" way and do it BEFORE the dinner. Maybe agree to counseling ahead of time.

Part of his disorder/s would be that he's going to have a lot of trouble socially, especially unmedicated. He has no brain-to-mouth filter and he can't read or care about others emotions. He's living in a bubble and can't see past his own nose... his own pain and experiences.

The hard thing is the dual frustration of knowing that while he was on medication, he was feeling better and since he felt better he probably thought he was cured and that's why he stopped. That's part of the disorder. They don't realize how they actually are when they're not on the medication during a terrible downswing... they don't realize how damaging they are to their most important relationships. And he won't choose to go back on the meds, you can't really force him, and that's his disorder too. Except that as an adult he's culpable for his own choices... he has to be.

So maybe you need to give him motivation to change his behavior and his choices. Right now he has no motivation. What would motivate him to go back and stay on his meds? What would motivate him to go to counseling? Whatever you choose to motivate him with, whatever ultimatum (if you will) you give him you'll have to be prepared to follow through with it.

I think maybe that's what this represents to you. He doesn't see it, but you do.

I am in a great happy relationship (except the fact he is snoring next to me at the moment lol) but I have been in the worst of the worst too... Do what you think would make you happy and be best for your family. Sometimes a change is hard but for the best. Life is too short not to be happy and feel loved.
Ps It's not you....he sounds like a jerk

Hi JB- I know it's after the fact, but I've been thinking about your post since I read it (and thinking of your other posts as well) and while I certainly don't take ending a marriage lightly, especially where kids are involved, you may need to start to think about how it's affecting the kids living with you guys in this seriously unhappy marriage and how that may affect their relationships as they grow-up. Will your sons think it's ok to treat their wives like you're being treated? Will your daughter settle for being treated like that in her marriage? God knows I have given an awful lot of leeway in my marriage b/c of my husband's toxic upbringing and family relationships, but there comes a time, and only you know when that is, that you have to realize how short life is, how much of yourself you are sacrificing for what gain? If the marriage really is as strained as it sounds, you might be setting a better example for the kids by ending it. Food for thought - best of luck to you, I hope your next post is a positive one!