Financial Disagreements/ Not Pulling My Own Weight at Home

Tell him that you agree he could use a little help around the house and have hired a housekeeper to lighten the load. Then do it.

sounds like counseling could help you guys. You are both having a hard time seeing life through the others eyes and a good therapist could help with that.

I am sorry if I say this harshly I do not mean to be harsh but your husband is an abuser. It's that simple.
He is not supporting you emotionally. He tells you you are spoiled. You are not.
Find out how much it would cost to hire someone to come in a do everything you do now. Total the amount and show him the numbers.
I would probable add up to $30,0000/year or more.
This is your home also and you have the right to make changes. You do not have to live in the shadow of a dead woman. Tell him if he wants to keep you as his current wife ---- changes need to be made. Redecorating to your taste and new carpet are not unreasonable.
Contact Social Security and see waht steps you need to take to get SSI. I know mostly it's a matter of having hyour doctor fill out the paperwork correctly.
As far as a mood disorder --- if I had someone verbally and emotionally I would not be in a good mood either. I recommend counseling for you so you can see that he really isn't a very nice man.

No, you aren't.

Either ignore him and do what you want, or drag him to marriage counseling. Be glad he works 11 hours a day - that way you don't have to be nagged all the time.

What all you get done while you are disabled sounds pretty amazing to me. The last thing you need to do is wear yourself out so that you can't do what you are already doing.

With fibromyalgia, I would think your husband would have some appreciation for your disability, but I guess he thinks everyone should be able to soldier on.

You don't have to prove to him that you can work up to his standards. You have your own standards and that is what is important. You say he loves you - that's great. So ignore his unappreciativeness and do things the way you do and try hard not to care about his expectations. If you don't care about his expectations, it might help improve your "mood".

And since there aren't any kids around, if he starts riding you on the weekend, leave the house so you don't have to listen to it.

Dawn

You are:

Ill with fibromyalgia (which many people unfortunately dismiss and say isn't real)

Suffering a mood disorder (diagnosed?)

Living with someone who may be clinging to a past relationship in his head (does HE tell you that you can't or shouldn't change things around in "his" house)?

Or worrying about that past relationship in your own head (if he doesn't tell you "Leave the decorating alone" but you, yourself, are fearful of changing things)

Aware that your house is in desperate shape but are afraid to even discuss something as simple as paint and carpets

Married to a workaholic, who puts work ahead of you

"Feeling verbally abused and guilty at the same time"

Are you in some form of counseling or therapy? Is that part of working on your mood disorder? If you are not in therapy --please get some soon, to help you figure out why you remain with a miserly, nitpicking perfectionist whom you actually fear. Sorry, maybe he has sold himself to you as a "responsible provider and frugal spender who values hard work" but he sounds like....a miserly, nitpickign perfectionist whom you fear!

You say you love him and he loves you. But he does not value you. How do you know he loves you when he demonstrates that he puts work ahead of you? Why do you love him if you are afraid of even bringing up the most mundane things couples should be able to discuss, like carpets? Do you have activities outside the house, groups you belong to (just you, not both of you as a couple), volunteering you do, etc.? If not -- why not? Because he has indicated he prefers you to stay at home? Because he would argue with you if you said, "I am going to start volunteering at X" and would tell you not to do it?

I hope you see where I'm going. Are you also feeling isolated as well as abused and guilty? Please see a counselor or therapist and ask yourself: Is your husband controlliing you too much by controlling the bank balance and the condition of the house and ignoring your large contributions to the household? This all sounds abusive to me. He may benefit greatly from some serious counseling -- if you can get him to go. But go on your own, even if you must hide money to do it. If you say you want counseling and he says he won't pay for it out of "his" earnings -- well, that's a red flag of control so huge that it would be time to reconsider the whole marriage.

There are two people in this marriage. However you both need to sit down a nd have a long talk about what you plan to do for the rest of your lives together. Write down things and place them on the frig for both to see and view.

You helped him with his bought of cancer I commend you. Many women wouldn't do it. Now that he is better he is taking out some frustration on you. I would have had that stopped a long time ago. Put you foot down and tell him not to talk to you that way.

If you can, find a place of your own and move or tell him to find a place of his own and move. No one deserves to have this treatment at this age in life. Life is too short. And yes, he needs "happy pills" (Zoloft, Lexapro, or whatever) to make him better.

Working all the time is not the answer it is as if he is running away from things or trying to avoid them.

There is only one person responsible for your happiness -- you. Do what you want to make you happy and not worry about him. Life is too short for all this nonsense.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS I know what you mean about being blamed for things. I told my husband a few things and he asked why I was as the way I was and I told him I was tired of being blamed for things I didn't do. It took by shock but he did stop.

You are 52. 4 grown children. Five decades of life experience. What have you learned?

You don't need more people telling you what to do. :)

Good luck!

You put up with a lot more than I would.

I'm currently a stay-at-home mom of two. No, dinner isn't always ready when my husband gets home. My house is cleanable (it would take me an hour or two to get it sparkling), but not clean. My husband would never complain about it. He knows I work my tail off, and I know he does. I would never tell him he doesn't make enough money or spend enough time at the office, either. We each have our jobs, and we respect the other one.

When my friends have husbands who feel they don't pull their weight because they aren't earning money, I always recommend this link:

http://kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/#....

You got great answers from everyone else - Cheryl O has good advice.

You go girl, you can take care of this!

I am also a 51 year old women with fibromyalgia and I do not work outside my home. We also need lots of repairs on our home. My husband works all the time. I am tired all the time, I am in pain all the time....I also do all the chores of the house. I mean all of them. You do lots it seems....and you do not have to explain anything. I know just how you feel. Its really hard to get a family member to understand fibro. Its hard for my husband who thinks I look just fine and should not be tired or in pain. So we have our challenges too. Sounds like if this is the only bump you have, your on a wonderful path. I wish you lots of luck. Check out a site called "fibromates on facebook. They have lots of great advise.

Does he actually understand your disease? People who do not understand it do not understand what the effected goes thru on a daily basis. I think some counciling for both regarding your health issues and marriage/interperson issues and expectations would benefit you both.

Khazie--you have hung in longer without rebelling than I would have made it! LOL

I'll assume money is NOT an issue--other than the fact that he is....um....CHEAP. What you're describing is not frugality or being a penny-pincher. You are describing CHEAP and selfish.

Work together on a budget for re-doing O. room--O. project. Start there.

Good luck. Lord, I can't stand a cheap man! What is he working for if he cannot enjoy ANY fruits of his labor? Perplexing.

Since you're the person noticing there's a problem, it's always good to start with your end of it. That's rather a bummer, but it's the way things work.

So you might start by making sure you're as physically healthy as you can be right now.

Then it would probably be wise for you to see a professional counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go without him. You can learn a lot anyhow, and that may spill over onto him, not to mention making things easier for you.

There's no doubt in my mind that you're "pulling your weight." In fact, your husband couldn't afford to pay you what you're worth! (He has no clue how much you're saving by buying at the thrift store, either. They're great places!)

Please remember that no one in the world feels she is appreciated as much as she should be! But most people work things out somehow. If a counselor can help you in dealing with your own physical challenges at the points where they affect others, then that will lead to how you can manage your husband's shortcomings. When you get to that point, please discuss the concept of the house ownership first. A former or late wife does not have a say in house decoration. And generally, no matter whose name is on the papers, it's "our" house. I'm really concerned about this.

I'm a homemaker married to a man who has some physical problems, and they affect his disposition. I've had to learn and learn how to manage that without either developing a bigger bad disposition than his or shrinking into nothingness. Where home adjustments are concerned, I started using some of my own money for painting and for hiring people to do some work on making the place become better and more comfortable (it's in good repair structurally). Actually, I think this has made my husband re-think his penny-pinching position. That means he sometimes pinches them only half as hard. He sees what can be done on a budget. He grew up being rigorously taught that you didn't spend *anything* you could help spending, and that when you had to spend, you did everything just as cheaply as possible. I can't change that about him. I just do what I can to make things better, and I don't let his disposition tell me what kind of day to have.

I say you do mostly nothing. Seriously. My first reaction was that you might be living together and that you could walk out. Then I realized you are married. You're married? of course you can change the house around, IT IS YOUR HOME... unless he has a condition like OCD where change where absolutely destroy him and you know he would hurt you. Then of course get out.
Next let him grumble, he is jealous because he isn't at home the way you are and even though he chooses to be a workaholic, that is HIS decision and you don't have to believe the things he says or grumbles about. You have just described how hard you work AND ON TOP OF THAT YOU have fibromyalgia. Now in case anyone doesn't know (and I personally don't either) but apparently from a friend of mine, a very young strong looking young man -he indicates it is very, very painful and I wonder how he gets up and works everyday.
He works on you (your husband) out of jealousy. He does not understand your condition and he doesn't realize what pain you are in, emotionally or physically. Take stock, as my mama used to say (and if you can) ignore him. Start doing little things that you can do when you feel alright. New curtains from the thrift shop, paint a cabinet and start socking money away $10 to twenty dollars a week. You will feel empowered. And if you ever have to you will have a few dollars and you can let him know how lonely he would be if you go spend even one night in a hotel. Remember, he may say all you want but you just told us, you are an attractive 52 year old who holds her own and you may find some other guy who likes a little spitfire on the weekend not a stepford wife. You will be fine!

Here are my thoughts.

If you are disabled you should be getting a SSDI check. That is your income and should be treated as such. It is YOUR money.

If you are not disabled enough to get disability you could consider finding something you can do on your own time that will allow you some income. My sister sews pillowcase dresses and sells them on etsy. It gives her something to do and gives her a little pocket money. She can take off weeks at a time or she can work when she feels like it. This is said just so you can feel better about yourself and to have some of your own money.

I would talk to him about a budget. Set it up so you and he both see where the money is going. How you'd both like it to be spent, then write this all down and put a hard copy where both of you will see it every day. My friends had their plan on the inside of a kitchen cabinet. That way when they reached to get a glass it was right there for them to see.

Some people will never quit work and will never think that a person who does not work outside of the home has any worth. That is just a left over concept from their childhood. It is ingrained in their make up.

Having something that is yours and that will allow you to have some of your own money will make you feel better. I know how much fun it is to be able to walk in Walmart and see something I "wish" for and being able to actually decide if I want to spend my money on it is amazing.

He does need to be called on the carpet. He is not thinking clearly. Maybe he is frustrated too. Sitting down and talking about his concerns is important. He needs to be heard as much as you do.

Hi, Khazle:
Show me a woman who feels that her husband deal with her tenderly-
with kindness, good manners, generosity, genuine affection, and understanding--
and I'll show you a happily married woman, regardless of external circumstances that may come against their union as a family.
Show me a husband who feels that his wife deals with him with repect--
admiration, appreciation, upholding his dignity as a man, thankful for his protection and provision--
and I'll show you a happily married man, regardless of the stress he may feel from the outside world.

Change your mood. Note the answer above.
Good luck.
D.

Oh I hate the term mood disorder, I was diagnosed with one as well, and the term mood disorders covers a wide range of mental illnesses, from basic depression to bipolar disorder. First thing you need to do if the mood swings are that bad is find a doctor that will give you a more specific diagnoses so that you can get treatment (or better treatment) because they are not all the same. For example if you gave me antidepressants, I would extremely manic. It is possiable that since you have a mood disorder that maybe you are being a little sensitive (not saying that this is the case, just throwing it out there.) I don't know alot about fibromyaligia, so I can't really comment on it, but I am guessing that is why you are disabled, because most people with a mood disorder (even type 2 bipolar) hold down jobs.

Well, I feel for your husband. Sorry, I know you have illnesses but it sounds like he is struggling with them. Has your mood disorder been diagnosed? Or did you diagnose it? Same for the fibromyalgia. Are you on any meds to help with your conditions? Perhaps he is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do so he works to avoid the problem, your illness.

My best friend has fibromyalgia so I completely understand the pain and the inability to function at times. However, some people, not saying you, use this as an excuse to feel sorry for themselves and not deal with it. There are some meds, lyrica, is one, that works. I suggest you go to your doctor for a full evaluation and see what can be done to help in your mood swings and fibromyalgia. Make him go with you to the doctor. Have the doctor discuss the disease with him and explain how he can help. Also, counseling would be in order. It would help you deal with a chronic illness as well as your husband.

As for the house, if you are living there, its yours too. When he goes to work, go to Home Depot buy some paint and start painting. What is he going to say when he comes home that evening and the room is a different color? Not much!

Hmmm, I also read your last post. When using a public forum, you cannot control responses. I don't think that's what you want....but the good does come with some bad. As an adult, you do have to, not only accept that with grace, but also need to anticipate it too. (insert grimace here, please)

As for this post: my DH is blind when it comes to our home's needs. He does not accept change. He does not see a need for updates. He does not see what's soooo wrong with our home. & the kicker is that he is 100% capable of doing all of the work himself!

I was raised with parents who kept up their home. My Dad touched up the paint regularly thru the year. He was persnickety, & our home showed it. Conversely, my DH was raised in home which was falling down in disrepair...holes in the floor, holes in the walls. 8 kids were raised in a home where Mom worked 2 jobs, & Dad worked 1....& then ended up on disability & living full-time at their lake house. Talk about "wrong"!

So when I discuss home repairs, preventive maintenance, & updating.... my DH turns a deaf ear. & I want to be clear: I am right by his side, working with him. It's not all thrown on him!

The other part of our issue is that I have an in-home daycare. He does not consider this a job. He considers it playtime for me. He thinks I do nothing but watch tv/read all day long. I'm with kids 50+ hours each week, & it's not a "job". I quite frequently have to remind him to suck it up. :)

Is it possible that his inability to understand your medical/mental needs is based on finances alone? Is he feeling the crunch? If you're pinching pennies & living frugally, perhaps he feels a loss of what he had before your illnesses. This does not make him out a "bad guy"....it makes him a "sad/mad guy". & I can understand his needs for a better life.

In no way am I saying that you're holding him back. I am simply saying.... is it possible for you to add to your income somehow? I see that you're a retired teacher/on disability. Does your disability allow for some additional income? Have you ever considered tutoring online? It's a great way to supplement a teacher's salary!

I understand that you're feeling challenged right now. What about local support groups for your medical needs? & does your insurance offer any resources? But, I guess honestly, for me....this all goes back to: perhaps you need to increase your output/income....& he needs to learn to accept his life with a little bit more grace. You guys need to be walking a 2way street, together! Peace!

I just read your 2nd post, so I would like to chime in. If it has not been suggested yet maybe the two of you could sit down and make a list of things that need to get done to upgrade the house to help make it not look so "unkept" then make a list of daily things that the both of you agree will be done and then he can see that things are getting done. As for your mood disorder you and he are both aware of it so that is a good start, He may need to talk to someone about what he feels with whats going on with you medically. Maybe he feels less like a good husband bc he cant "fix" you and make you feel better like you did for him a few years ago. Remind him for better or worse for sick or poor. I do hope things will get better for you. gl

I always suggest this because most women do not know what the side effects are and have no idea how pervasive the symptoms could be on diet, mood, etc.

have you had your thyroid checked?